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Author Topic: kinre short story : a house and 2 ghost  (Read 5915 times)

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Offline kinre

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kinre short story : a house and 2 ghost
« on: July 28, 2012, 08:55:01 AM »










any comment is welcome
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Offline Coryn

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Re: kinre short story : a house and 2 ghost
« Reply #1 on: July 28, 2012, 01:40:46 PM »
interesting. some grammar issues. i'm a little confused as to the gender of the long haired ghost though. the personallity seemed strong and male, though the other refered to it as mdm. which is that supposed to mean madam?

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Offline Nyxy

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Re: kinre short story : a house and 2 ghost
« Reply #2 on: July 28, 2012, 02:45:03 PM »
I chuckled at this it was cute how the ghost were scaring the couple making out there.  Though I did notice like Coryn how confusing the gender of the long haired ghost is. But keep it up Kinre you are getting much better it was a funny story  :heart:
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Offline kinre

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Re: kinre short story : a house and 2 ghost
« Reply #3 on: July 28, 2012, 09:39:09 PM »
well, is a she , well the char may be  a bit like guy but does the drawing look like girl?
, and well yea is madam i guess lol .
all the english is edit by my friend, so i don't know much about it.

but i think it is not importer if is a she or he since there is not much of a point in that .
and if there any problem  do tell me, so i can do better next time.
« Last Edit: July 28, 2012, 10:14:33 PM by kinre »
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Offline Coryn

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Re: kinre short story : a house and 2 ghost
« Reply #4 on: July 28, 2012, 10:23:35 PM »
well the real problem i think comes from the strong presonallity and a lack of details. women can have strong personalities of course, but the face is pretty much gender neutral, and the whole massive robe gives no hints as to her body.

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Offline kinre

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Re: kinre short story : a house and 2 ghost
« Reply #5 on: July 28, 2012, 10:39:58 PM »
hmmm .
well i can't give much detail for a short story like this.
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Offline Coryn

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Re: kinre short story : a house and 2 ghost
« Reply #6 on: July 28, 2012, 10:47:09 PM »
i'm not talking plot wise. but physically.

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Offline kinre

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Re: kinre short story : a house and 2 ghost
« Reply #7 on: July 28, 2012, 11:28:13 PM »
i don't get that  :(
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Offline Coryn

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Re: kinre short story : a house and 2 ghost
« Reply #8 on: July 29, 2012, 12:17:15 AM »
there is no physical indication that it's a woman past the long hair. The face has no real tells, you can't see any of her body because of the clothing.

you know what physical means right?

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Offline kinre

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Re: kinre short story : a house and 2 ghost
« Reply #9 on: July 29, 2012, 12:23:44 AM »
i know what is physical mean.
by the way , how many point will you guy give for this short story?
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Offline RedTea

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Re: kinre short story : a house and 2 ghost
« Reply #10 on: July 29, 2012, 11:58:59 AM »
The idea behind the story is brilliant; it is something pretty original. During the first few pages, I saw some rising action and imagined many potential ways to reach an interesting climax. However, it never got beyond the point. The action became stale. Try to work on that  :thumbsup:

Offline kinre

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Re: kinre short story : a house and 2 ghost
« Reply #11 on: July 29, 2012, 12:19:14 PM »
well.... i don't agree with that or disagree with it. it just.... well you can say  that is my limit ( for now)
so if you got a better ideal for it, you can tell me what is it . maybe i will change it if it better . lol
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Offline RedTea

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Re: kinre short story : a house and 2 ghost
« Reply #12 on: July 29, 2012, 12:28:23 PM »
Quote
that is my limit ( for now)
Negative attitude  :(!

Right now, I am unable to see a premise for the story (Teenage Love leads to ???). I see a possible hypothesis, but not a conclusion.

Try to think of a premise for the story; what are you trying to prove? For example, "teenage love leads to tragedy" would be something interesting. The ghosts would be the vehicle of the story. Think of the actions as a chain of events where A (Teenage Love) -> B -> C -> D -> E (Tragedy,Climax) -> F(alling action) where every letter something more intense/interesting happens until the tragedy occurs. Try filling in the events and see what happens ;).
« Last Edit: July 29, 2012, 12:31:30 PM by RedTea »

Offline kinre

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Re: kinre short story : a house and 2 ghost
« Reply #13 on: July 29, 2012, 12:47:05 PM »
lol
first of all i am a negative person, so i will always think bad thing but, i my self always always do over what other thing is limit, ( although most of the time is i speak wrong english lol)

2nd there is not ideal behind this story there is not meaning in this story and there is no plan for this story too.
and you say filling the event , but there is not event like that( i mean as you your self can't think of anything to add, how can you ask me to think of it.) although it may not be fair to ask you to make a story and add but that is also the limit you can see for this story too, and i find it point less to make more. i am not going to make more story to just make this story feel like is better .

sometime know the limit is better then try to break the limit , and keep doing thing but will not help it better . 

and what you had say is all about planing and i believe planing is not importer , just do the story as you like that the best . if follow the plan too much you will lack the impact  in the story,
and i think the way you trying to make story that is not really good with pic like manga or anime .
because we drawer need to draw pic that fix/match the meaning and make people feel it and if we are unable to do that , we should not make it
cause i myself think that making story the importer is the feeling of the story, show what  you want to show, and not plan what to show then show.
« Last Edit: July 29, 2012, 01:04:55 PM by kinre »
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Offline Nyxy

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Re: kinre short story : a house and 2 ghost
« Reply #14 on: July 29, 2012, 01:26:55 PM »
I don't think Kinre was meaning for this to be a full story, just what we call over here a one shot and it sort of reminds me of a fable.

Basically the story breaks down like this:

Two teen lovers are at an old mansion to make out, the guy is like "hey this is a good place for us to be intimate without being caught."

They begin to go at it all the while not noticing the two ghosts who are the guardians of the house.

The ghosts have dialogue about why the two humans are there then see them begin to make out.

The ghosts are visibly upset and wish to stop such an affront and chase them from their dwelling.

To do this the more dominate ghost (long hair in black robe) pushes an expensive vase, while the more girlier ghost manifests herself saying "boo" and other ghostly moans.

The teens are thoroughly scared by such events and run out of the mansion.

The ghosts dialogue about the events with the girlier one taking most of the credit while the other ghost grumbles about going to bed. They are just happy to have their mansion and solitude back.

Let me know if I missed any parts of this Kinre.  I doubt it was meant to be more then a fable like tale quick and to the point and the message I got is "choose your make out point wisely you never know when a place is haunted by ghosts who get annoyed easily!"  :heart:
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