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Author Topic: BLIND THE FORSAKEN  (Read 2409 times)

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Offline absolutefangirl

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BLIND THE FORSAKEN
« on: September 04, 2011, 09:16:26 PM »
well, I usually draw but I have to have a story to draw by so I wrote this! this is just the prologue, but still!



PROLOGUE
“Have you heard of the Manochi clan?” asked the masked man before me. He had brass knuckles on his fists and he was in a read position. “Excuse me, but could you remove yourself from my path? I don’t want to get dirty and you’re standing on the only dry path in the woods.” I said with a polite smile. The man in my way gritted his teeth. “So you’re not gonna tell me what you know without a reason?” he said through his teeth. I looked at him and cocked my head. “And what are you going to do? Make me talk?” I asked darkly, my eyes glaring.
The man took a step back, thinking about running from me. But he changed his mind and charged. His fist drawn to attack, but it was useless for I was out of the way a second later. My hand crashed into the back of his neck. He fell to the ground, skidding a few feet until he hit a tree head first. Mud covered and bloody, he stood. Shaking he ran again, throwing punches that I dodged again and again until I found a pattern in his attacks.
 Squatting down as fast as lightning, I swept my leg around in a semicircle, sweeping him off his feet, literally. He came crashing down once again. I drew my own weapon and held it firmly. My white dress fluttered as I kneeled down to put a kunai to his throat. But before I pulled the knife across, I unmasked him. He was a store clerk from a small town not far from the woods. I had just left his store not too long ago. I finally drew my knife deeply into his flesh. “Why… Must I do such things?” I said tears coming down my face, washing the blood off of it. My pure white dress was covered in red stains. I stood, my knees covered in mud. FWAP! My wings flew out as I took my long jacket off. I rolled my shoulders and stretched my arms and legs out. I flapped a few times, and I soared up, into the air. Minding the trees… Of course.


so what do ya think??
"What the hell is this cat floating in my house!?"
"Your alter ego is Alice and the Cheshire cat wants you to know you need to kill the jabberwocky, duh."

Offline brodragon7

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Re: BLIND THE FORSAKEN
« Reply #1 on: September 05, 2011, 11:35:37 AM »
I sounds pretty interesting I have to say, good use of First-person and a nice blend of dialog between action sequences but there are a couple of grammatical errors and word play changes you could make. Outside of that though, it's great story so far I'll be waiting for the next installment. 

Offline absolutefangirl

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Re: BLIND THE FORSAKEN
« Reply #2 on: September 06, 2011, 05:07:58 PM »
Thank you!!! I'm not much of a writer so that is a awesome complement!

And as for the grammatical errors, I will try to be more careful next time!

Again, thank you!
"What the hell is this cat floating in my house!?"
"Your alter ego is Alice and the Cheshire cat wants you to know you need to kill the jabberwocky, duh."

Offline brodragon7

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Re: BLIND THE FORSAKEN
« Reply #3 on: September 06, 2011, 05:14:37 PM »
Not a problem happy to help. :thumbsup:

Offline absolutefangirl

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Re: BLIND THE FORSAKEN
« Reply #4 on: September 16, 2011, 10:30:24 PM »
this chapter is sad, at least I think so...



CHAPTER ONE


SEVEN YEARS LATER


The sun was setting over the mountains that separated Kerr form the ocean. “Annii, am I gonna die?” she asked, tears in her eyes. This was only the second time I have seen my mistress cry, and I have known her since we were nine and we are sixteen now. “Of course not you idiot! There’s no way I’ll let you die on me!” I said, with a sad expression. She looked at the ceiling, her unseeing eyes blinking trying to keep from crying in fear. A smile came to her face, another rare thing, and the tears rolled down my face faster and with more force.
“You know, they say, the second before you die, if you’re blind you will see once more. Just so you can see the people around you, in your last moment.” She closed her eyes and a tear came down, stinging a cut on her face. The poison that is running through her veins was deadly, and I had no time to prepare an antidote for such a complex poison.
Even if I used my medicinal powers to filter it out of her blood, it wouldn’t have much effect. I bit my thumb. Damn! I knew no way to even relieve her of her pain. What kind of servant am I!? I allowed her to take a direct hit for me. “Annii, is Nekoko awake?” Kaira asked. “No mistress.” I answered looking nervously over at mistresses’ child lying on her father, asleep. I looked up to see the sleeping face of Akira, mistresses’ husband. Then over a little bit to see Sakura, Akira’s sister, sound asleep.
“Wake them, all of them.” I looked at her, shocked. I would have thought that she wouldn’t have wanted any of them to be bothered with her. That’s how she usually acts. “Quickly...” she said in a strained voice. In a hurry, I shook each one of them. I watched them each jump into battle mode, just as they were taught. “Annii, what’s going on?” Akira asked. I quickly looked behind me and then down at my feet. I could feel the fear emitting off of Akira.
“No…” he whispered, horrorstruck. He pushed me aside and slid beside his wife, who was breathing heavily, trying to bear the pain. “Kaira, what’s wrong?” I could hear soft footsteps that would come from a three year old, walking past me slowly. I looked down only to see Nekoko carefully taking steps, as if the floor might fall from beneath her feet if she walked too carelessly. “Nekoko-sama…” I said, my voice shaking.
“Akira… Sakura… and my dear Nekoko.” Kaira started after they all gathered around her. Kaira had her hand on both Akira and Nekoko’s hands. Caressing them softly like the loving wife and mother she was. “I have sad words to say. I am going to die today and…” she trailed off, tears welled in her eyes. Her air left her lungs and her hands went limp. Tears came to everyone’s eyes, Akira’s usually hard face softened, and his, as well as Nekoko’s, cat ears were back in a submissive gesture.
Suddenly, Nekoko stood; she walked to the other side of her dead mother to me. Right before she struck, I caught her hand. She tried to strike me with the other hand, but I caught it as well. Tears came down her face like a waterfall. “BRING ME MY MAMA BACK!!!” she screamed. “You’re the magic doctor! You can do anything! Please! Bring my mama back!” she cried. “Nekoko-chan…” I whispered. Her arms went dead; she buried her head in my chest. My head lowered until my face was in her hair, right in between her ears. “Oh Nekoko-chan… I am… I am so sorry… I tried, I promise I did… but this time, I had no idea what to do to save your mama, I am so sorry…”
“Annii-san,” Akira put his hand on my shoulder. I looked up at him, and then looked at my mistresses’ body. Letting go of the left side of Nekoko, I touched her arm. It was still warm, but that wouldn’t last for much longer, especially since it was cold outside. Once again I held the crying Nekoko; I carefully unfolded my wings and wrapped us up with their warmth. She fell asleep not much longer after that, she whispered in her sleep a single word; mama. I cried for her, for my mistress, for Sakura, and especially for Akira…

again, I would LOVE feedback!
"What the hell is this cat floating in my house!?"
"Your alter ego is Alice and the Cheshire cat wants you to know you need to kill the jabberwocky, duh."