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Author Topic: "Birna and the tower of death"  (Read 412 times)

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Offline wrathborne

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"Birna and the tower of death"
« on: December 31, 2022, 04:33:47 PM »
Making a  little Manga story thats aimed a little more at younger audiences(13-15). Its meant to be a series of short chapters about a stubborn little farm girl who wants to destroy the tower of death, a mysterious building that appeared in her kingdom long before she was born and is a plague upon the land.

Its a PDF in screenplay format, so its just short form writing essentially. This is meant to be simple story thats fun and doesn't entirely go where you expect it too.

Chapter 1 is simple and focuses mostly on introducing Birna as a character and primarily focuses on her flaws. Just curious how this is! You can read through the 3 and 1/4th pages. Birna has a slightly different speaking pattern than others and that's on purpose. Its an odd quirk I thought was fun.

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1avi7V5tCHBX8GelbDnh_WkciVteFIULu/view?usp=share_link



Offline Coryn

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Re: "Birna and the tower of death"
« Reply #1 on: January 01, 2023, 09:45:42 AM »
It's definitely an interesting tone, lol. I like the concept of the slightly daft farm girl taking in the ominous death tower. A fun little short read. I'm interested in seeing where this goes!

My main comment since this is so short so far is that the tone is a bit swingy. Birna either comes off a empty headed or totally serious, without any room in between. There's some space to blend those two together I think.

Oh, and for future reference, we'd prefer if you can embed your writing into MR directly. For writing people usually just copy the text in directly. You may have to reformat a bit, but please give it a shot. We just want to cut down on making people click on links that could be dangerous.

Will review stories upon request. My latest arc: http://goo.gl/KYgsfF

Offline wrathborne

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Re: "Birna and the tower of death"
« Reply #2 on: January 01, 2023, 01:06:22 PM »
Gotcha, I can embed it!

Yeha, Birna is both empty headed and serious at the same time. I thought it was a fun contrast because she's impulsive and not stupid. She's inexperienced and has to learn on the way, but has her own skillset (which pops up next chapter).

I'm working on the second chapter where she has to fight a giant crap fly to earn some money to buy a map.

Thanks for reading my work!




Offline wrathborne

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Re: "Birna and the tower of death"
« Reply #3 on: January 03, 2023, 01:06:40 PM »
Ok, heres chapter 2 of Birna and the tower of death.

Spoiler
ext.town - day

Birna sits on the sidewalk and holds a sign "warrior for hire" as people walk past her.

BIRNA
C'mon, ya ingrates. I'm broke and need to buy a map and compass

An OLD MAN looks over her sign then at her.

OLD MAN
Are you really a warrior?

BIRNA
Yeh.

OLD
You look like a kid.

BIRNA
I AIN'T a kid, ya idiot! Hire me or get lost!

OLD MAN
Well...Can you handle a crap fly?

BIRNA
A crap fly?

ext. farm - day

Birna and the Old man and his WIFE(OLD WOMAN) stand in front of a solid 6 foot pile of crap beside their farmhouse.

BIRNA
Thats... a huge crap fly nest. How big is it??

OLD MAN
About as big as a sheep?

OLD WOMAN
No, it was the size of a cow!

BIRNA
COW SIZED!? You serious!?

OLD WOMAN
Dear? Is she going to complain about it, or kill it?

A shadow looms above them, all 3 look up. The cow sized crap fly drops a turd on the pile and flies away.

BIRNA
It could have only gotten that big from the towers power. Ok, I'll do it for 10 silver.

OLD WOMAN
5 silver.

BIRNA
Naw, 8 silver.

OLD WOMAN
6 silver.

BIRNA
7 silver or I'll start walkin'!
The old woman chuckles.

OLD WOMAN
No, you wont. If you're willing to kill that thing for just 7 silver you must be really desperate.

OLD MAN
It wouldn't have been so obvious if you asked for more. 6 silver, no more.

BIRNA
...Deal.

Birna sits in a tall tree a few yards away from the crap nest. The Old folks sit in chairs on their law and wait.

In the horizon the fly appears, buzzing towards the farm with a new load for its nest.

Birna unsheathes her sword.

OLD WOMAN
Well, dear? What do you think?

OLD MAN
She's got spunk, but my moneys on the crap fly.

The fly hovers over its nest, Birna leaps from the tree and onto its back. The Fly shoots through the air like a missle.

She clings on the hair on its back and screams as the panicky beast tears through the sky in an incredible speed.

The old folks sip tea and watch Birna ride the crap fly.

OLD MAN
Impressive.

OLD WOMAN
That shes riding the crap fly?

OLD MAN
That she's still alive.

The beast going at full speed towards the house now.

BIRNA
Ya trying to kill us, ya idiot!?

Birna pulls on its hair with all her strength and the flys direction changes upward before it strikes the farmhouse.

The flys wings slow down the higher up it goes, Birna pulls her sword back and slams it into the back of the flys head.

Immeditaly it stiffens and it's wings stop fluttering. Birnas eyes widen.

BIRNA
Uh -oh.

Birna and the crap fly plummet back to the farm and a huge cloud of dust flies into the air on impact.

As the dust clears the old folks stare at a spatter on the ground that used to be a crap fly.
OLD MAN
I'll be. She really did it!

OLD WOMAN
Thank goodness.

Muffled noises come from behind them. They turn to see Birnas legs sticking out of the crap nest.

OLD MAN
Well, if we leave her we save 6 silver.

OLD WOMAN
Dear, she'll die! You can't hide bodies at your age anyways! Pull her out this instant!

Covered in filth Birna groggily stands before the old folks.

OLD WOMAN
Thanks for your hard work!

He drops a small bag of coins in her hand. She looks at the coins and tosses it back to him.

OLD MAN
Whats that for?

BIRNA
Thats for your bath, your soap, and for you to keep your mouths shut.

OLD WOMAN
Deal!
END of CHAPTER 2



Spoiler

Offline NO1SY

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Re: "Birna and the tower of death"
« Reply #4 on: January 03, 2023, 01:48:11 PM »
Cute and simple adventure story so far with solo D&D vibes, or, strangely enough, old short snoopy comics. Still not sold on the screenplay style, because so much richness and depth is lost from the utilitarian language and minor amount of description, but at least it does the job in conveying the plot and puts the focus on the dialogue.

I actually quite like Birna’s sassy character. It lands a lot better in the second chapter, but only because of a couple of stumbles in her dialogue in the first:

“It’s too dangerous to go alone…” doesn’t seem like something Birna would say, rather: “I know it’s dangerous, but someone’s gotta destroy it.”

Also I like the idea behind: “Hoped if ya couldn’t tell I wasn’t a kid ya also couldn’t count.” but this is written in a way that sounds like a non-sequitur (also, not sure how just removing her cloak would reveal visually that she isn’t a child…). I’d probably go for something like: “hoped that your counting was as bad as your ability to tell a girl’s age.

Look forward to seeing more. Good luck!
« Last Edit: January 03, 2023, 03:17:17 PM by NO1SY »

Offline wrathborne

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Re: "Birna and the tower of death"
« Reply #5 on: January 03, 2023, 02:07:38 PM »
Thanks, I'm still a little unsure on some of the lines in ch1 myself, but the "its too dangerous alone" line was meant to also be a legend of zelda reference ;P

Part of the reason I went for a cloak reveal after the line was also that this is the first time you get a good look at Birna(delayed character reveal) but I think it works. Visually its up to me as an artist to make sure Birna doesn't l really look like a kid to help sell the moment though. Still working on an art style for this project.

But some of that is for later.

I'm still sorting out the first story arcs destination for Birna, as well as her next few problems. Gotta give her a more serious monster to fight thats actually causing chaos than a crap fly and introduce some lore for this world. Right now the only thing you guys know is theres a mysterious evil power that corrupts crap flies.

She hasn't had a chance to do anything heroic just yet O.o

Offline NO1SY

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Re: "Birna and the tower of death"
« Reply #6 on: January 03, 2023, 03:20:09 PM »
Honestly, dark mysterious tower warping creatures into monsters of the week whilst Birna ambles her way to destroy it is not a bad way to go in terms of a plot. Sometimes simple is best.

Offline wrathborne

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Re: "Birna and the tower of death"
« Reply #7 on: January 03, 2023, 05:11:23 PM »
Was mostly what I was aiming for, minus a few larger parts of the tale. I'm still sorting out Birnas want vs her need as well as trying to sort out what her major weakness is. While it doesn't have to be earth shattering, its always needed to give a character some solid depth.

Gotta sort out magic, and how I want to handle warriors and other classes.


Offline Coryn

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Re: "Birna and the tower of death"
« Reply #8 on: January 04, 2023, 10:51:38 AM »
NO1SY was pretty on the money with the reference to newspaper comics. This gives me big Non Sequitur vibes (not sure if you get that one in your region or not). In the comic there's an old fisherman who tells wild stories of fighting off sea monsters with a fishing rod or discovering a magical kingdom of fairies on an island after wrecking during a storm (all while sitting at the bar). Definitely a similar feeling to Birna's adventures.

Second chapter does exceed the first. The character feels a lot more consistent and the giant fly as a concept is just irreverent enough while still being anoying. Could have done with a few synonyms for the titular dung pile however.

Will review stories upon request. My latest arc: http://goo.gl/KYgsfF

Offline wrathborne

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Re: "Birna and the tower of death"
« Reply #9 on: January 04, 2023, 11:23:41 PM »
 Gotcha, Well heres chapter 3. It s more kidsy and playful and...needs some more conflict than I had here. Might have to lengthen the short battle she has a bit more. Its meant to be a side chapter  that at the least sets off Birnas first destination really.

Spoiler
ext. road - day

Birna rides on the back of a ox drawn carriage and studies her map.

BIRNA
K...Should be at Grimwald in another day or so. Then I gotta cross the Viladis river.

She rolls up her map.

BIRNA
Thats another 2 days of travel. Wish there was a faster way to get to the tower.

The cart hits a bump.
BIRNA
TAKE IT EASY, WILL YA!? I ALMOST FELL OFF!

The cart suddenly stops.

BIRNA
Oops.

Birnas now trudging down the road with a sour expression.

BIRNA
What a dick! Ain't like I was slowing him down! I was just making sure no one was stealing his wares!

Her stomach grumbles.

BIRNA
Shut up! I hadda use the last of the money on the map! I'll kill something to eat later!

Her stomach grumbles louder.

BIRNA
Dammit.

Birna spots a small creek beside a Forrest.

At the creek, she looks into the water and spots some small fish swimming about.
BIRNA
Bleh...Fish.

She sharpens the tip of a long slender branch into a spear.

Birna hovers the spear above a fish and goes for the kill...But loses her balance and falls into the creek.

BIRNA
Dammit!

She lets out a cry of pain and scrambles out of the creek with a fanged frog chewing on the back of her head.

BIRNA
GET OFF! GET OFF! GET OFF!

The frog leaps off her and bounces back into the water.

BIRNA
Disgusting.

Birnas stomach grumbles and she reluctantly grabs her spear.

She holds the spear and waits...then strikes and pulls out a small fish stuck to her spear!

BIRNA
Got ya!

The frog leaps out of the water and snatches the fish off the spear and lands into the creek with a splash.

Birna stares blankly at her spear then the frog.

BIRNA
Ya realize that frogs can go to hell tool, right?

The frog spits a jet of water in Birnas face.

BIRNA
DIE FROG!

She slams the spear into the creek, again and again missing the frog entirely and it swims under  a small marsh scattering of marsh.

Her eyes dart around the creek, suddenly Birna cries out in pain as the frog chews on her hand, she flings it aside.

The screams in pain again, the frogs now biting the back of her head. She pries the frog off with the spear then  collapses to her knees, frazzled and huffing.

It spits more water in her face.

BIRNA
The hell kind of frog ARE you!?

The frog starts convulsing and spasming around before letting out a huge spray of vomit all over her.

The color drains from her face. She looks down and spots the fish. Dozens of tiny sharp barbs cover its body.

BIRNA
The fish here are poisonous? Could have said something, ya little dickhead!

The frog sprays water in her face again and leaps into the creek with a soft splash.

BIRNA
I really hate frogs.

Back on the road Birna trudges onward looking defeated and irritated. She spots a small apple tree on the side of the road and walks past it.

Her stomach grumbles in protest.

BIRNA
Oh shut up! Ya think I wanna eat something after all that? We're skipping breakfast!

END OF CHAPTER 3

Offline wrathborne

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Re: "Birna and the tower of death"
« Reply #10 on: January 08, 2023, 12:18:59 PM »
Still fumbling to put in a lil more conflict for chapter 3...But chapter 4 is a different beast all together. This was my original chapter 3, but I thought it might be better to have a small funny side chapter before getting into things being a lil more serious. Also introduces the second character of the story.

Spoiler
INT. WOODS - NIGHT

Dusk in a thick Forrest during a storm.  KARL,18, sprints through the rain. He spots a tent and rushes over. He carries a small shield on his back.

KARL
Sorry to intrude, can you share your tent?

Snoring comes from inside the tent. Karl lifts up the flap and looks in.

KARL
Uh...Excuse me?

Birna screams and slams her foot into his face knocking him away.

BIRNA
NEVER enter a ladys tent without permission, ya creep!

KARL
I didn't know, sorry! I need shelter from the storm!

Birna scowls at him, then spots a shield on his back.

BIRNA
Alright, ya can come in, IF ya give me that shield.

KARL
That's my fathers shield!

BIRNA
It any good at keeping ya dry in the rain?

Hes silent and holds up a few coins.

KARL
You can have this, not the shield.

BIRNA
...Deal. But on one condition.

Karls heads sticks out of the tent and he has the shield on to keep himself dry.

KARL
This is ridiculous.

BIRNA
You're too tall to be in here anyways. Stay on your side and I wont stab ya, k?

He scowls.

KARL
Can't I have a blanket at least?

Birna groans and tosses a small blanket on him, it barely covers his legs.
A rumble comes from the distance.

BIRNA
Thunder. Great.

Another rumble, this time the tent shakes. Birnas eyes widen, she grabs her sword.

BIRNA
(whispering)
Hey, creep. Is something out there?

KARL
(whispering)
Keep quiet.

A giant crash makes the ground tremble from its impact.

Karl watches the thing in the woods. Its about the size of a cow, on all fours and has bright glowing eyesthat slowly scan the surroundings...then lock onto the tent.

KARL
(Whispering)
It found us!

Inside the tent brightens up under the things glowing eyes.

It crawls closer to the tent, the brightness intensifies Birna has to shield her eyes from the light now.

Karl trembles and squeezes his eyes shut.

The things directly outside of the tent on Birnas side.

BIRNA
PISS OFF!

The blade thrusts through the side of the tent and sticks into the things eye. A loud croak of pain follows.
Birna rushes out of the tent with her sword at the ready, but its gone.

BIRNA
The hell was that!?

She scowls at Karl.

BIRNA
Ya could have helped, ya dope!

Karls still. Birna lifts up the shield, he's unconscious. She groans and lowers the shield back in place.

Morning.

The suns out, the sky is clear and water droplets trickle down from the trees above Birna and Karl.

Birna rolls up her tent.

BIRNA
K, creep. I'm off.

Karls sits silently under a tree, his expression is both serious and sad.
Birna kicks the tree and water droplets pour down on him. After a moment he blinks and looks at Birna.

KARL
Hmm?

BIRNA
I'm off.

He limply waves goodbye.

BIRNA
Ya know, if ya have this much trouble with monsters yer better off staying home. I can't protect ya all the time.

Karl sighs.

KARL
Yeah, I know.

BIRNA
Ya also might consider giving that shield to someone-

KARL
No.

Birna shrugs and marches away leaving Karl beside himself. He lowers his head.

KARL
I'll never make it to the tower of death like this.

END OF CHAPTER 4


 

Offline Coryn

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Re: "Birna and the tower of death"
« Reply #11 on: January 09, 2023, 09:31:42 AM »
I don'tknow, I think that the frog "fight" is pretty much the length you would want it to be. DBZ this story is not, so a long encounter doesn't really fit the vibe so far. Short and sweet is more fitting for now.

I like Karl so far. He's more grounded feeling than Birna for sure. Looking forward to how he integrates into the story!

Will review stories upon request. My latest arc: http://goo.gl/KYgsfF

Offline wrathborne

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Re: "Birna and the tower of death"
« Reply #12 on: January 09, 2023, 10:43:38 PM »
Good to hear, I try to show off a little bit more of who Birna is in each chapter and that chapter doesn't really show anything new about her. It does let her breathe a bit and be herself which helps but I was working on trying to show a lil more. Other than hating frogs.

The next few chapters will all be their own story since its Birnas first real test Gotta balance out the serious and the silly.

I'm still experimenting with Birnas character design and trying to make her a little stubby. This design is almost there.
https://imgur.com/gallery/k2eydb5
« Last Edit: January 10, 2023, 04:24:43 PM by wrathborne »

Offline wrathborne

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Re: "Birna and the tower of death"
« Reply #13 on: January 11, 2023, 07:35:18 PM »
Still revising Birnas design and keep things simple and fun. Will adjust her arm bands a little more so they have some style to them.


Offline Coryn

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Re: "Birna and the tower of death"
« Reply #14 on: January 12, 2023, 09:54:32 AM »
Fun art style! Gives me real Legend of Zelda: Wind Waker vibes.

I admit, I did imagine her with a short hairstyle like that, but would have expected pants.

Will review stories upon request. My latest arc: http://goo.gl/KYgsfF