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Author Topic: Looking for feedback  (Read 189 times)

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Offline fear0knight

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Looking for feedback
« on: June 22, 2022, 12:20:27 PM »
Hey Everyone.

I'm currently writing a manga and, was looking for some feedback on it.

I have already decided how I would like most of the 1st couple of chapters to play out, That is why some chapters are in a script format instead of a summary format.

Please note that there are spelling and grammar mistakes as I have dyslexia.


Manga Tags:
Fantasy, Isekai, Sci-fi, Action

Manga Summary:
Spoiler
Eleanor was the king's eldest child and next in line for the throne. Everything in her life was perfect. Until her 18th birthday when she was betrayed by the very person, she loved the most. The hero who saved the world from the demon king, Her Sister. Her Sister took everything from Eleanor, Her Family, Her throne, and her future.

In Eleanor's moment of despair, she was teleported to a new world. A world where magic doesn't exist, a world with skyscrapers and flying cars. A world where other girls were saved from the torment of the very heroes that saved their world.

However, heroes don’t take it lightly when their playthings are taken away from them.


Chapter 1, Script Draft 1

Spoiler
Page 1:
In a large colosseum

Takes up a full page
Eleanor's face crying out in pain while several images are around her face.
These images are her perspective of her being attacked. E.g. Getting hit by a mace.
Mage casting fireball..

Eleanor: AHHHH , Someone save me. Help me

Page 2:
large bedroom with en-suite bathroom. Early morning (3.30am) Arthur and Camilla are sleeping

Panel 1:
Arthur suddenly wakes up from his sleep. He’s drench in sweat from the dream he just had.

Arthur: Gasp (heavy breathing)

Panel 2:
Arthur is rushing out of bed coving his mouth

Panel 3:
Arthur entering the en-suite bathroom.

Panel 4:
Leaning over a sink throwing up

Arthur: Blech

Panel 5:
Looking at the bathroom mirror. Face wet from the sweat.
Arthur: Gasp (heavy breathing)

Page 3:

Panel 1:
Arthur back in the bedroom and is getting dressed.
Camilla looking slightly awake sitting up

Arthur: Sorry for waking you.
Camilla: Come back to bed.
Arthur:  I’m sorry but I can’t I’ve got work to do

Panel 2:
Camilla looking at the clock. While Arthur does up his jacket.

Camilla: What work, It's half three in the morning
Arthur: Their something important that needs doing

Panel 3:
Arthur heads over to Camilla

Arthur: I should be free around dinner time if you wish to join me.
Camilla: Fine, Just don’t be late

Panel 4:
Arthur leans into camilla to kiss her on the forehead

Panel 5:
Camilla: Pushes him away

Page 5:

Panel 1:
Camilla Making an EWW face while Arthur stands over the bed

Camilla:  EWW Your breath sticks. Have a mint or something

Panel 2:
Arthur opens the bedroom door to leave the room

Panel 3:
As Arthur about to leave the room, he turns to camilla. Who is now fast asleep again

Arthur Thinking: atleast I don’t keep her up for long

Panel 4:
Suddenly Arthur's face is pale as he can hear screaming

Eleanor: AHHHH

Page 6:

Panel 1:
Arthur is now in a hallway with 4 rooms on the left side. The Right side has several windows and plant pots. Two guards in power armour are at each end of the hallway. Seeing Arthur the guards stand at attention

Arthur Thinking: Her screaming getting worst.

Panel 2:
Arthur power walks through the hallway 2 of the guards are now following him. Outside of the window you can see a sci city

Panel 3:
Arthur Yarwing

Arthur thinking:  I really need a coffee

Panel 4:
Arthur breaths into his hand

Arthur thinking: And some mints.

Page 7:

Panel 1:
Arthur is now in a small room with no windows and only one door. In the room their is a table with a chess board. Arthur and a hooded figure are sitting at the table playing chess

Panel 2:
Arthur head in this hands

Arthur : I can still help hear crys for help even now
Figure: Check


Panel 3:
The Figure looks up at Arthur while Arthur head still in his hands.

Figure: I can save her, you just merely just need to ask.

Panel 4:
A knock at the door

Panel 5:
A maid with a trolly enters the room

Page 8:

Panel 1:
The maid is handing over the coffee to Arthur

Maid: Your Coffee and mints your grace
Arthur: That will be all, Thank you

Panel 2:
The maid bows to the Arthur as he picks up the coffee

Panel 3:
The maid leaves the room however the hooded figure is not their

Maid thinking: Is the king talking to himself again

Panel 4:
Arthur sips the coffee

Page 9:

Panel 1:
Flashes the screaming Eleanor being hit with a fireBall

Eleanor: AHHHHHH, Someone save me.. Please

Panel 2:
Arthur turns to the side and throws up

Arthur: Blech

Panel 3:
Arthur hand on his heart while catching this breath

Arthur: Gasp (heavy breathing)

Page 10:

Panel 1:
Arthur facing the figure

Arthur: Please… Please save her

Panel 2:
The Figure has a creepy smile on his face. No other features can be seen

Figure: Seeing as you asked so nicely

Panel 3:
The figure snaps his fingers


Page 11:

Panel 1:
Birdeye view of the room - A large throne room full of nobles.

Panel 2:
Four girls chatting. Including Eleanor

Noble 1: How is your sister doing? I heard that she defeated the demon king.
Noble 2: I heard that most of her party got killed.

Panel 3:
Eleanor looks a little worried with the news of her sister losing her friends

Eleanor: She doing well… At least that's what she told me in her letters

Panel 4:
Eleanor looks a bit down as her sister is not here

Eleanor: I was hoping she would arrive back in time for tonight.
Noble 3: It's a real shame that she is missing her birthday

Panel 5:
Eleanor looks hopeful

Eleanor: I'm sure father will arrange something special for her

Page 12

Panel 1:
The king is tapping this glass with a fork to get the guess attention
Eleanor is waving bye to her friends as she walking off

Eleanor That is my queue to go, Chat soon

Panel 2:
Eleanor is standing next to the king and queen. The whole room is watching them

King: I would like to start by thanking everyone for coming here tonight to celebrate. We have had a tough couple of years with the demon king pillaging our land but i'm happy to say that those years are behind us

Panel 4:

King: But i'm happy to announce that those years are behind us, As the demon king was slain just the other day, by the royal hero herself. By beloved daughter no less

Panel 5:
Raising His glass

King: Lets all raise a glass to the fallen, to the hero and to the future

Page 13:

Panel 1:
The crowd raising their glasses in celebration

Panel 2:

King: Sadly Persephone is still on her way home so can’t make it tonight but.

Panel 3:
Eleanor is blushing.The kings arms are showing her off

King: my eldest daughter Eleanor is here celebrating her 18th birthday

Panel 4:
The king Gesturing to the ground with his arms

King: So which young nobleman would like to take my daughters hand for the first dance of the night?

Page 14:

Panel 1:
A young noble steps forward

Panel 2:
The noble bows to Eleanor while offering his hand for a dance.

Noble: May I have the pleasure of having the first dance.

Panel 3:
Eleanor Smiles and takes the guys hand

Eleanor: You may

Panel 4:
The two of the head to the center of the hall

Page 15:

Panel 1:
The crowd has crowed around them

Panel 2:
The two of them are dancing

Panel 3:
Eleanor and the noble are smiling while dancing

Page 16:

Panel 1:
Eleanor and the noble are spinning (dancing). Eleanor sees a maid chatting with the king and Queen

Panel 2:
The maid with the king and queen leave the room

Panel 3:
Close up on the king and queens face. They look annoyed

Panel 4:
Eleanor looks a bit concerned

Eleanor Thinking: I hope nothing wrong

Page 17:

Panel 1:
Its the next morning the king and queen are having breakfast. Eleanor enters the room yarwing. The king and queen are chatting about last night.

Queen: I can’t believe the nerve of her…
Eleanor: Morrnning

Panel 2:
The king and queen quickly stop their conversation.

King: Morning dear, did you sleep well last night?
Queen: Morning, Please join us

Panel 3:
Eleanor is curious about what she just overheard. Eleanor walking to the table

Eleanor: I sleep great thanks, what were you two talking about.?

Panel 4:
Eleanor now sitting down. Passing over a fruit bowl to Eleanor

Queen: It’s nothing dear. Here have some fruit
Eleanor: Thank you, Mother.

Page 18:

Panel 1:
Persephone enters the room Smiling

Persephone: Good morning

Panel 2:
The king and queen look displeased

Panel 3:
Eleanor looks overwhelmed with happiness
Eleanor: Sis, when did you get back?

Page 19:

Panel 1:
Eleanor is Hugging Persephone but Persephone not hugging her back

Persephone: I got back late last night.
Eleanor: I missed you so much

Panel 2:

Persephone now hugging Eleanor her face looks like is pressing her anger

Persephone: I missed you too, Sorry I missed last night.

Panel 3:
Persephone and Eleanor are now looking at each other. Both girls are smiling

Persephone: You go to tell me everything that happened

Page 20:

Panel 1:
The king, queen and Persephone, and Eleanor are sitting around the table. Empty food plates are in front of each of them. Eleanor has her arms out wide

Eleanor: and you should have seen the cake it was huge. I saved you a slice as well.

Queen: It's your favorite.. Chocolate.

Panel 2:
Persephone hiding her anger behind a smile.

Persephone: It sounds like a wonderful evening, I'm really a shame that I missed it

Panel 3:
The king looking displeased

King: well it can’t be helped. Just be sure to come to make it to the next one.

Panel 4:
Persephone looks annoyed

Persephone: Sorry father, Next time I will ask the demon king to rearrange this invasion.

Page 21:
Panel 1:
The king is angry

King: Don’t get lippy with me, young lady. You might be a hero but you're still my daughter. You have an duty to attend these events

Panel 2:
The Queen is looking displeased

Queen: Why can’t you be like your sister.

Panel 3:
Persephone slams the table

Persephone: I'm sorry, I'm not the daughter you wanted.

Page 22:

Panel 1:
Eleanor looks upset

Eleanor: Stop this. Please stop fighting why can’t we all get along for once.

Panel 2:
The king and queen look stunned by Eleanor's action

King: Yes you're quite right
Queen: Persephone apologize at once to your sister

Panel 3:
Persephone still annoyed

Persephone: Sorry

Panel 4:
The king passing his cup over the table

King: Persephone mind grabbing me some water
Queen: Make that two dear

Page 23:

Panel 1:
Persephone is pissed off

Persephone: We have servants to do that,

Panel 2:
The king with a serious face:

King: I asked you to do it. Or would you prefer a command?

Panel 3:
Persephone is still annoyed but has a fake smile on her face

Persephone sarcastically: Certainly farther,
Persephone: Eleanor what one as well?

Panel 4:
Eleanor smiling and waving her hands no

Eleanor: I'm good thank you

Page 24:

Panel 1:
Persephone pouring a drink
Eleanor facing her mum and dad and they are facing her

Eleanor: Could you two be nice please it been its been too long since we have all been together
Queen: Your right dear
King: I guess I have been a bit hard

Panel 2:
Hand passing a cup

Persephone: your drinks

Page 25:
 
Panel 1:
They are all sitting around the table

Eleanor: Oh I know, let's have toast

Panel 2:
Eleanor raising her cup

Eleanor: To all being reunited again at last, and to you sis for saving the world,

Panel 3:
The king and queen are about to drink

Eleanor: Oh and to good health

Panel 4:
Persephone smiling and looking at Eleanor

Persephone: your speech still needs work

Panel 5:
Eleanor smiling back at Persephone

Eleanor: it wasn’t that bad was it. What do you think father?

Page 26:

Panel 1:
Eleanor smiling face turning to face the king

Panel 2:

Eleanor's face looks shocked, small blood splatter on her cheek

Panel 3:
Eleanor looks worried, Screaming

Eleanor: mother father

Page 27:

Panel 1:
The king and queen are facing both Eleanor and Persephone The faces are coved in blood
Blood is coming out of their eyes and mouth

Panel 2:
A small panel showing the cup of water being spilled over

Page 28:

Panel 1:
Eleanor is sitting in a hallway opposite a door. Outside the door are 2 guards.
Eleanor's head is in her hands the moon can be seen in the sky from the window

Panel 2:
Close up on Eleanor sitting down

Eleanor thinking: Why.. why is this happening. Everything was meant to be back to how it was.

Panel 3:
Persephone leaving the room

Panel 4:
Persephone sits next to Eleanor

Panel 5:
Persephone's arm around Eleanor

Persephone: I’ve used healing magic to try and help with the pain. But it's not working against the poison.

Page 29:

Panel 1:
Eleanor looking at Persephone tears are running down her face

Eleanor: Why.. Why is this happening sis

Panel 2:

Persephone: Followers of the demon king are probably behind this

Panel 3:
Eleanor looks worried, Persephone now hugging Eleanor

Panel 4:

Persephone: Don’t worry I will protect you, I won’t let anything happen to you, I promise 

Panel 5:
The magic spell is behind Eleanor's head.

Persephone: This will help you sleep

Page 30:

Panel 1:
Eleanor bedroom
Eleanor wakes up in her Bed (springing forward)

Panel 2:
Eleanor's hand on her head

Eleanor Thinking: Aww My head is pounding

Panel 3:
Eleanor leaves her room

Panel 4:
Eleanor standing outside her room. No one is visible

Page 31:

Panel 1:
Eleanor looking worried

Eleanor: Hello,  Anybody here?
Eleanor thinking: where is everyone

Panel 2:
Eleanor remembers Persephone mentioning the Followers of the demon king (Page 29- Panel 2)

Panel 3:
Eleanor looks really worried

Eleanor thinking: I need to find Sis

Panel 4:
Eleanor ran though the hallway

Panel 5:
Eleanor opens a door. Eleanor looking nervous

Eleanor: Sis you in here … something …..

Page 32:

Panel 1:
Persephone's bedroom (smaller than Eleanor's room) Eleanor standing in the doorway
Looking at Persephone and the noble that Eleanor danced with. The noble has a dagger in his hand.

Eleanor: doesn't feel right

Panel 2:
The noble head turns to face Eleanor smiling

Noble: Eleanor … I’m

Panel 3:
Persephone grabs the noble hand

Panel 4:
The noble turns to face Persephone with shock on this face

Page 33:

Panel 1:
The noble dagger is in his heart. This hand is still holding the dagger with Persephone's hand holdings his. Fast move action around the dagger as Persephone casts magic to help stab the noble.

Persephone Shouting: Swift wind

Panel 2:
Persephone runs to Eleanor. The noble body falling over. Persephone has the dagger in her hand.

Panel 3:
Persephone hugs Eleanor. Eleanor looks in shock

Persephone: thank the gods you're safe.
Eleanor: Sis … wh…ats (gulp) Whats ..going.. On

Page 34:

Panel 1:
Persephone looks Eleanor in the eyes Eleanor still looking at the body

Persephone: I need you to listen
Persephone Shouting: Eleanor, Eleanor

Panel 2:
Eleanor looking Persephone Eleanor looking pale

Eleanor: Ye.. Yes Sis
Persephone: We don’t have much time I need you to listen.

Panel 3:

Persephone: General Judes has staged a coup,

Panel 4:
Persephone looks at the floor

Persephone: Mother and father are dead and we are next.

Panel 5:
Eleanor shaking in disbelief. She looks scared and pale

Eleanor: Dead - No it can’t be.
Eleanor shouting: That can’t be true

Page 35:

Panel 1:
Persephone looks Eleanor in the eyes again

Persephone: We have to get out of here now.

Panel 2:
Persephone hands the knife over to Eleanor

Panel 3:

Eleanor pushes the knife away
Eleanor:  I .. I can’t

Panel 4:
Eleanor looks at the body again

Eleanor: That was the guy I danced with

Panel 5:
Persephone also looks at the body

Persephone: He was going to kill you but he mistook me for you

Page 36:

Panel 1:

Eleanor: But .. Why would he want..
Persephone: … are you forgetting that you're next inline for the throne

Panel 2:
Heavy Footsteps can be heard rushing towards them in the hallway

Panel 3:
Persephone hands the knife over to Eleanor again

Persephone: Please take it. It will make me feel better

Panel 4:
Eleanor grabs the knife but is unsure how to hold it effectively

Eleanor: Ok but what will you use

Page 37:

Panel 1:
As Eleanor takes the knife she cut Persephone

Eleanor: Sis are you hurt

Panel 2:
Persephone Smiles at Eleanor

Persephone: I'm fine, it's just a scratch

Panel 3:
Persephone pick up her sword in the corner of the room

Persephone: Anyway, I’ll be using my good friend here

Panel 4:
The door burst open with several armed knights now in the doorway.

Page 37:

Panel 1:
Eleanor turns to face the knight. She looks terrified while holding her knife behind her is Persephone wielding a sword.

Eleanor: Sis help
Persephone Shouting: Swift wind

Panel 2:
Persephone darting towards Eleanor

Panel 3.
Eleanor lying on the floor. Persephone is on top of her. Her sword piercing Eleanor's stomach.
Eleanor has tears running in her eyes and is screaming in pain


Eleanor: AHHHHHHHH

Page 38:

Panel 1:
Persephone looks glad and relieved

Persephone: Guards help before she escapes

Panel 2:
Eleanor trying to speak

Eleanor: Sis,  Wh ..

Panel 3:
Persephone twists the sword as Eleanor tries to speak
Eleanor screaming in pain

Eleanor: AHHHHH

Panel 4:
The guards take away the knife off Eleanor while Persephone and the General look at each other. The General is standing over Eleanor and Persephone, Persephone and the ranked guard have a smile on their face.

General: Thank the gods we were in time to help my queen

Chapter 2, Script Draft 1

Spoiler
Page 1:

Panel 1:
Eleanor is dressed in a prison rag and is tied up in a dungeon

Eleanor (thinking): Why, Sis why you doing this

Panel 2:

Eleanor: Someone please help me

Panel 3:
Two guards enter the room

Guard - No one going too save a traitous slut like yourself
Guard 2 - Anyway its time for execution

Panel 4:
Eleanor looking terrified

Eleanor: My execution

Page 2:

Panel 1:
Guard punching Eleanor in the stomach

Guard: You deaf whore… You are guilty of treason

Panel 2:
Eleanor with tears down her face

Eleanor:No that can’t b…

Panel 3: .
The guard punches Eleanor again

Panel 4:
Eleanor has a pillor around her hands and 2 chains around her neck. Each guard is carrying a chain

Page 3:

Eleanor is in an arch way of a huge colosseum
With a crowd shouting.

Crowd : Traitor, Murder, Kill the traitor,

Page 4:

Panel 1:
Eleanor being draged to the middle of the colosseum
Stones can be seen being thrown at Eleanor
Eleanor is crying

Panel 2:
Eleanor see's here sister in the middle of the colosseum

Eleanor: Sis pleas hel…

Panel 3:
A stone hit Eleanor in the eye causing it to bleed
Eleanor is screaming out in pain AHHHHHH

Eleanor: AHHHHHH

Panel 4:
Eleanor is forced too kneel infront of Persephone.
Persephone raises an hand gesting for the crowd to be silent

Panel 5:
A magic circle appear's infont of Persephone and around Eleanor's neck

Page 5:

Panel 1:
Eleanor is squirming in pain covering he eye the best she can

Persephone: I Queen Persephone II am shocked by my treasonous sister act, The murder of our Father and mother, Your King and Queen, as well as Duke Richard.

Panel 2:
The crowd start shouting

Crowd: Kill the traitor
Persephone: Even so I still see sister I loved and care for. If she confesses and repent for her sins I will show mercy on her

Panel 3:
Persephone looks at Eleanor who is pale with fear

Persephone: So sister what will it be. Mercy or …

Panel 4:
Eleanor no longer has the silent spell around her neck
Persephone leans into Eleanor's ear

Eleanor: Sis please, Why you doing this. I love you

Panel 5:
Persephone looks furious

Persephone:’ WHY WHY

Page 6:

Panel 1:
Persephone stops herself from getting carryed away (Hand over mouth)

Persephone: If you don’t confess I will make you suffer after all we our above the Pit. I'm sure those criminal will love to have you

Panel 2:
Eleanor images her in the pit

Panel 3:
Eleanor crying.

Eleanor : Please sis. I don’t want to die

Panel 4:

Persephone : If you confess, I promice you will not be sentenced to death
Eleanor thinking: What do I do. I don’t want to die

Panel 5:
Persephone: 10, 9…

Page 7:
 
Panel 1:
The look of panic washes over Eleanor face

Panel 2:
The crowd are shouting:

Crowd: Kill the traitor, Burn her alive

Eleanor thiniking: I don’t want to die

Persephone: 2,1

Panel 3:

Eleanor whisping:  I did it.
Persephone: Louder Louder so the everyone can hear

Panel 4:
Magic is infont of Eleanor, tears running down Eleanor's face

Eleanor:  I did it. I killed my mother and father,
Please sister show mercy You promised

Panel 5:
Persephone has a sadistic smile while snapping her fingurs

Persephone: Unlike you I keep my promises

Page 8:

Panel 1
A Giant slug is being dragged from the gate

Panel 2:
Eleanor face looks confused

Panel 3:

Persephone: And for your punishment, I will grant you the wonderful life of being a living training dummy. You will be aloud to eat once a week from the sewage waste. I would say this is a fitting end for someone who only takes from the kindom. Now Its time to give back

Panel 4:
Eleanor face is pale

Eleanor but you said I would be shown mercy

Page 9:

Panel 1:
Persephone Laughing

Persephone:  I promised you that you wouldn't be sentence to death

Panel 2:
Persephone Cast a spell  on the slug and Eleanor
Eleanor crys out in pain

Persephone: Soul Exchange
Eleanor: AHHHH

Panel 3:
Persephone pointing to her old body

Persephone: Dump her old body in the pit I have no need for it

Panel 4:
The guards drag her old body away. Persephone casting a spell on Eleanor slug body

Persephone: Life regen
 Persephone: Nealy forgot about this spell, nnd as promise you won’t die

Page 10:

Panel 1:
Persephone rasing both her arms

Persephone: Now lets the Coronation games begin

Panel 2:
The crowd cheer A group of gladiators line up

crowd: Long Live the queen Long live the Hero

Panel 3:

Persephone: First off lets have the contestidents show us their strengh on our new target

Panel 4:
Eleanor Half slug face half normal face. Her nomal face has tears running while nothing shows on the slug face.

Eleanor Thinking: Help me please ,someone please

Page 11:
Panel 1:
Chapter 1 Page 1 panel 1 is shown

Panel 2:
A light racing through space

Page 12:

Panel 1:
Suddenly Eleanor teleported to a room. Eleanor is panicking. She is naked.

Eleanor: AHHHHHHH
Eleanor: Someone save me Please

Panel 2:
Eleanor looks at her hands starts realise that she is no longer a slug and that her cuts have healed

Panel 3:
Eleanor is hugged behind by a priestess (Illyria) The hug is also adding a white rob coving Eleanor

Illyria carming voice: Don't worry your safe

Panel 4:
Eleanor Looks that the priestess (Illyria), Illyria smiles carming at Eleanor

Illyria: The hero can’t hurt you here.


Page 13:

Panel 1:
Illyria is sitting next to Eleanor. Holding both of Eleanor's hands

Illyria: I’m Illyria, What's your name?
Eleanor still catching her breath: El.. I'm Eleanor. Am I dead?

Panel 2:
Illyria waving her hands

Illyria: Oh no-no-no. You are still very much alive

Panel 3:
Eleanor signs a breath of relief

Panel 4:
Illyria looked pleased.

Illyria - The King heard your cries for help. So he saved you. Just like he saved me. Isn’t that nice of him

Panel 5:
Eleanor looks confused

Eleanor: Saved you?

Page 14:

Panel 1:
Illyria nods while standing up holding both of Eleanor's hands again to help her stand.

Illyria: I’m just like you, a victim of a hero. This place is a sanctuary for people like us.
Eleanor: So where i?

Panel 2:
Both girls are walking towards a window Illyria and Eleanor are looking at each other

Illyria: This is a lot to take in but you have been teleported to another world.
Eleanor: Another world?

Panel 3:
Illyria thinking

Illyria: That's not even the hard bit. This world hmm how to put it. It's very different from the one you're used to.
Eleanor: different how?

Panel 4:
Illyria opened the curtain to the window

Illyria: it will be easier for you to see for yourself

Panel 5:
Eleanor's face is in awe with what she seeing
City reflection in her eye

Page 15:

Panel 1:
A huge sci-fi city with towering buildings with tinted glass. Flying cars, Billboards etc

Illyria: The world is far more advanced than what we are used to

Page 16:

Panel 1:
Eleanor's face is in awe. Illyria standing next to her with an arm behind her to support her in case she faints
Illyria: The world is far more advanced than what we are used to

Panel 2:
Illyria looking at Eleanor's face, Eleanor still looking at the city

Illyria: Come let's get you dressed and grab some breakfast

Panel 3:
Eleanor and Illyria are on a balcony. Eleanor leaning on the banister while Illyria sitting down.
Eleanor is wearing a dress. The table has empty bowls of fruit. “ guards are present

Page 17:

Panel 1:
Illyria holding a cup of coffee.

Illyria - I still remember the 1st time I saw this place it truly is amazing is isn't it.

Panel 2:
Eleanor turns her head towards Illyria

Eleanor: Yeah it's breathtaking, What was your world like?

Panel 3:
Illyria holding a cup of coffee still

Illyria: Probably similar to yours. Beautiful then the demon king attacked. Then shortly after we defeated him, A hero in my world became corrupt. He became worst than the demon king that we fought.

Panel 4:
Illyria has fear in her eye and is trembling slightly. The background becomes dark

Illyria: He.. he

Page 18:

Panel 1:
Eleanor holding Illyria's hands

Eleanor: I understand.

Panel 2:
Eleanor smiling at Illyria to reassure her

Panel 3:
Eleanor now sitting next to Illyria

Eleanor: what's the king like?

Panel 4:
Illyria thinking

Illyria: He’s and kind and just ruler…

Panel 5:
Illyria smiling while nudging Eleanor

Illyria: .. and he cute.

Page 19:

Panel 1:
Illyria: has a serious face

Illyria: and best of all he made this world safe haven for us

Panel 2:
Illyria looking a bit upset:
Illyria:  He’s sadly a little busy today so I will show you around if that sounds good to you

Panel 3:

Eleanor: That sounds nice, but are you positive my sister won’t find me here?

Panel 4:
Illyria's hand on her heart

Illyria: I promise she won’t find you. As far as I’m aware not a single hero has ever existed in this world

Panel 5:
Illyria pointing

Illyria: Plus look that them

Page 20:

Panel 1:
Illyria's hand pointing at a guard

Guard: Fear not princess, As long as I have breath no harm will come to you
Illyria: See nothing to fear.

Panel 2:
Illyria stands up while taking Eleanor's hand while walking to the balcony

Illyria: Come I want to show you something

Panel 3:
Illyria and Eleanor at standing at the balcony looking at the city.

Illyria: See that

Page 20:

Panel 1:
Illyria's hand pointing at a stone building in the city, Eleanor looks confused and Illyria signing

Illyria: That's the Imperial Museum
Illyria: it's a building housing all the history of this place. I recommend heading there once you have time

Panel 2:
Illyria's hand pointing at a Tokyo/ Eiffel tower building

Illyria: Over there is the Imperial Tower. It's a great way to see the city. If we have time we can visit if you like?

Panel 3:
Precious panel but with Eleanor's face looking pleased and Illyria's face

Eleanor:  Really, That would be amazing
Illyria: Of cause, we can. If not today tomorrow

Panel 4:
Illyria pointing at a grand cathedral

Illyria:  And lastly over there is the grand cathedral

Page 21:

Panel 1:
Illyria proudly

Illyria: If you ever need me I’ll likely be there, After all, I am the High stainless

Panel 2:
Eleanor looking hopeful

Eleanor: Would it be ok to visit?

Panel 3:
Illyria's face lights up

Illyria: Of cause. We can go at once if you like.

Panel 4:
Illyria proudly

Illyria: I had a feeling you would be a follower of god

Page 22:

Panel 1:
Eleanor: Yeah if we can. I’ll like to pray to the gods

Panel 2:
Illyria's smile leaves her face

Illyria: Their only one god here

Panel 3:
Illyria looks serious

Illyria: The creator, the god of everything, Life, death, Heaven, Hell

Panel 4:
Eleanor looks like she pleading with Illyria

Eleanor:  But..

Panel 5:
Illyria puts her finger on Eleanor's lips cuting Eleanor's speech

Page 23:

Panel 1:
Illyria is still serious but understanding

Illyria: Look, I understand how you feel, But in this world worshipping gods is a sign of heresy.

Panel 2:
Illyria has a strict face

Illyria: Be grateful that these guards are understanding, Anyone else overhearing you mention gods will burn you alive.

Panel 3:
Eleanor looks sad

Eleanor: I'm sorry I just want to pray to my mother and father and let them know that I'm ok.

Panel 4:
Illyria hugging Eleanor but still looking at her face

Illyria: I understand, I have a private room, that I use to pray to the gods of my world. You can use that

Panel 4:
Eleanor looks relived
Eleanor: that would be great thank you

Page 24:

Panel 1:
Illyria no longer hugging Eleanor. Illyria looks happy

Illyria: Perfect then let's get ready and head out

Panel 2:
Eleanor looks worried

Eleanor: I don’t know if I'm ready to leave, what if something happens

Panel 3:
Illyria looks disappointed at Eleanor

Illyria: Trust me bad nothing will happen, we will be going to the 2nd safest place in the empire

Panel 4:
Illyria points to the guards

Illyria: Plus we will have these guys with us the whole time

Panel 5:
Illyria holding Eleanor's hand as if she is begging

 Illyria: And you did want to pray, after all, I’ll even pray with you if you like

Page 25:

Panel 1:
Eleanor still looks a bit worried

Eleanor: Ok but only for a bit ok

Panel 2::
Illyria is happy

Illyria: Perfect, then let's go

Panel 3:
Illyria looks at the guards

Guard: The security detail will be ready in 20 mins princess.

Panel 4:
Illyria smiling at Eleanor while taking Eleanor's hand. As they are walking back into the palace

Illyria: Wonderful, I can see us being best of friend


Page 26:

Panel 1:
A phone starts ringing.

Panel 2:
An old priest picks up the phone. A voice comes from the phone.

Phone: Everything is set for the saint priestess. This will be your only chance. Best of luck.

Panel 3:
The phone goes dead. Old priest puts the phone down

Panel 4:
The priest starts smiling

Page 27:

Panel 1:
The priest has his arms out in an embrace stance front of him are several other priests and priestess

Priest: Brothers, Sisters, The time has come for us to send this heretic back to her hell and retake are positions that she stole.

Panel 2:

Priest: In the name of the creator. We cleanse the church of her corruption.

Priest and priestess: Latom

Thank you for taking a look and providing feedback.
« Last Edit: June 24, 2022, 11:28:40 AM by fear0knight »

Offline Coryn

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Re: Looking for feedback
« Reply #1 on: June 23, 2022, 12:46:14 PM »
Alright man, you asked and you shall receive. I'm just going to comment as I go along, so hopefully it all tracks on your end.


1. Your summary gives both a fantasy and sci fi setting, but you don't establish what setting were in when we start with the bedroom. The dream seems fantasy, but the bedroom has a lot of modern conveniences. Obviously if this was an actual manga it would be obvious, but as text you still need notes about this kind of thing so the artist knows what to draw.

2. These two are not in love, calling it right now. Camilla thinks her breath doesn't stink at 3am? Kissing aint going to hurt you none hon. Especially on the forehead. What has happened to debtal hygiene in tbr future?! If this guy aint at least hitting some mouthwash before dressing he's a maniac.

3. Ah, power armor. Now we can begin to see the setting.

4. As a general note, you need to do a proof read for grammar and spelling. Lots of little mistakes that will be easy to iron out.

5. More detail on hooded figure please. Seems too important to be nondistinct.

6. I can't help but feel this demon king should have a name? Demon King feels like it is a proper title leading up to something.


*Pausing this review for now. Will return to it later.*

Will review stories upon request. My latest arc: http://goo.gl/KYgsfF

Offline fear0knight

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Re: Looking for feedback
« Reply #2 on: June 24, 2022, 11:27:46 AM »
Hey,

Thanks for taking your time with providing feedback for me.

With the Spelling and grammar note, I do suffer from dyslexia. So there will be spelling and garammer. I will add that to my 1st message as well.

Offline Coryn

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Re: Looking for feedback
« Reply #3 on: June 24, 2022, 02:13:49 PM »
Just remember to run spell check and it should pick up most of the little things I caught.

Will review stories upon request. My latest arc: http://goo.gl/KYgsfF

Offline Suuper-san

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Re: Looking for feedback
« Reply #4 on: June 24, 2022, 04:05:29 PM »
I'm not much of a reader or a writer but I'll give my best thoughts on it.
As a manga artist myself, script format is super useful because the pages are already planned out with the panels, so drawing is a lot easier.

"A world where other girls were saved from the torment of the very heroes that saved their world."
This implies this happens a huge amount? seems a bit strange, unless we're talking multiverse levels of worlds. Most Heros dont betray their kingdoms for starters. also, only girls? seems sexist lol

"Eleanor's face crying out in pain while several images are around her face." "E.g. Getting hit by a mace."
Although this is a "draft script", still a good idea to be specific where possible, i.e. how many shots/angles?

"AHHHH , Someone save me. Help me"
maybe add exclamation marks? "AHHHH!!!! , Someone save me! Help me!", adds emotion and emphasis.
and the same throughout the scripts I dont see much use of commas, hyphens, ellipses etc, which can help dialogue to flow smoother.

"That is my queue to go"
"cue", not "queue"

"my eldest daughter Eleanor is here celebrating her 18th birthday"
"Noble 3: It's a real shame that she is missing her birthday"
I thought it was the birthday of the hero daughter? - they share a birthday? - are they twins?
also, Persephone is younger? and she's out killing demon kings? seems strange if you ask me. Also from another viewpoint, strange that an important princess would be in the frontlines, unless she has an OP magical power that is useful.

"So which young nobleman would like to take my daughters hand for the first dance of the night?"
Just a side point, but in a society structure with kings and nobles etc, seems like she would already have an arranged marriage or a suitor or something already, by 18yo? just a random thought.

Chapter 1 thoughts:
The king is a bit of a douche expecting his daughter back from conquesting to attend this party? Didn't really understand the character relationships there and why the king treated her so badly, so I sort of felt on the side of Persephone to be honest, and she's meant be the villain.

"Eleanor is dressed in a prison rag and is tied up in a dungeon"
she survived being stabbed in the stomach?
also why didn't Persephone just kill her outright like she did the king and queen? seems pointless dragging out keeping Eleanor alive?

Chapter 2 page 1
I think a few shots with an EST of the dungeon, and then the unconscious face of eleanor as she then wakes up would make a nice touch to the scene. Perhaps she wakes up as the guards enter.

"being a living training dummy."
you mean...the slug?

also why are the crowds so hyped? up to this point they must have known what Eleanor was like? seems like there would be discord between the crowd, some would defend her or not believe it?

Overall not really getting a clear motive for Persephone - she honestly seems like she's either become unhinged or she really believes that Eleanor is the traitor. Since it seems like she previously had a really loving relationship with ehr sister, was it all a lie or she's starting to hate her sister over time?

" teleported to another world."
unusual words choice of "teleported" given the typical use of teleport. Perhaps transported/transferred?

"The world is far more advanced than what we are used to"
so all the people who are saved from treacherous heroes are from medieval settings? seems like a chance to throw in quite a few different and unusual settings that the saved characters come from.

"empty bowls of fruit."
you mean empty fruit bowls?

"  He’s sadly a little busy today so I will show you around if that sounds good to you"
maybe "very busy" sounds more appropriate.

"If we have time we can visit if you like?"
she's just been teleported in right? she's has nothing but free time! Maybe "we can go when you are settled down a little more" or something.

"It's a great way to see the city."
That being said the building they are currently on seems to have a pretty decent view anyway.

"Anyone else overhearing you mention gods will burn you alive."
wow this world sucks? just even a mention of it, let alone doing it? maybe this needs toning back otherwise I can't say I'd feel safe hearing that about my new world. also it's meant to be a sci-fi city? and they still burn people alive?
also, isn't this a world for saving people from essentially lots of different cultures? surprising that they have such a low tolerance for other people's beliefs.

Illyria is also a saved person from another world? how come she's so important in this one?

"Latom"
Isn't this just straight from Fire Force? not that you cant use it but people will always instantly think of where it was popularized. Maybe make up your own word, or just use "Amen", or "hear! hear!" which is less culturally specific/more generic.

Chapter 2 thoughts:
I felt that the exposition was great, you explained a lot about the new world, and covered the emotions of the characters white well. But I feel that the story lacks any new direction at the end of chapter 2. There is a mention of an evil cult out to get the saint priestess, but I don't particularly feel invested in her, I want to follow Eleanor's story, but she has no direction at the moment. I.e. what will she be doing with her life from now.



Overall a great start, but a little but of refining needed to make the plot pop more I think.
As Coryn noted, spelling here and there is a bit iffy. Google Docs can also check grammar for you which is really useful, so I recommend that.

Looking forward to reading more.

A reincarnation from medievela to sci-fi hasn't been explored too much (I had one pending to write myself!), so you have a fair amount of freedom to write your world without running into other people's tropes and ideas.
« Last Edit: June 25, 2022, 10:10:12 AM by Suuper-san »
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Offline fear0knight

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Re: Looking for feedback
« Reply #5 on: June 25, 2022, 01:08:12 PM »
Hey,

Thank you for your feedback it was very helpful.

I have edited chapters 1 and 2.



Chapter 1 script draft 2

Spoiler
Page 1:
In a large colosseum

Takes up a full-page
Eleanor's face crying out in pain while several images are around her face.
These images are her perspective of her being attacked. E.g. Getting hit by a mace.
Mage casting fireball, getting stabbed by a great sword.

Eleanor: AHHHH!!!! Someone save me. Help me!!!!!

Page 2:
large bedroom with en-suite bathroom. Early morning (3.30 am) Arthur and Camilla are sleeping

Panel 1:
Arthur suddenly wakes up from his sleep. He’s drenched in sweat from the dream he just had.

Arthur: Gasp (heavy breathing)

Panel 2:
Arthur rushes out of bed covering his mouth

Panel 3:
Arthur enters the en-suite bathroom.

Panel 4:
He’s leaning over a sink throwing up

Arthur: Blech

Panel 5:
Arthur looks into the bathroom mirror. Face wet from the sweat.
Arthur: Gasp (heavy breathing)

Page 3:

Panel 1:
Arthur is back in the bedroom and is getting dressed.
Camilla is looking slightly awake while sitting up

Arthur: Sorry for waking you.
Camilla: Come back to bed.
Arthur:  I’m sorry but I can’t, I’ve got work to do

Panel 2:
Camilla is looking at the clock. While Arthur does up his jacket.

Camilla: What work It's half three in the morning
Arthur: There is something important that needs doing.

Panel 3:
Arthur walks over to Camilla

Arthur: I should be free for dinner if you wish to join me.
Camilla: Fine,Just don’t be late

Panel 4:
Arthur leans into Camilla to kiss her on the forehead

Panel 5:
Camilla: Pushes him away

Page 5:

Panel 1:
Camilla making an EWW face while Arthur stands over the bed

Camilla: EWW your breath sticks. Have a mint or something

Panel 2:
Arthur opens the bedroom door to leave the room

Panel 3:
As Arthur is about to leave the room he turns to Camilla. Who is now fast asleep again

Panel 4:
Suddenly Arthur’s  face turns pale as he can hear screaming

Eleanor: AHHHH!!!!!

Page 6:

Panel 1:
Arthur is now in a hallway with 4 rooms on the left side. The Right side has several windows and plant pots. Two guards in power armour are at each end of the hallway. Seeing Arthur the guards stand at attention.
The power armour is black with a shoulder cape on its right arm. A three-barrel gun is attached to the left arm. In the right hand is a halberd. Blue energy is coursing through the weapon.

Arthur Thinking: Her screaming is getting worse.

Panel 2:
Arthur walks through the hallway two of the guards are now following him. Outside of the window, you can see a sci city

Panel 3:
Arthur Yarwing

Arthur thinking:  I really need a coffee

Panel 4:
Arthur breaths into his hand

Arthur thinking: And some mints.


Page 7:

Panel 1:
Arthur is now in a small room with no windows and only one door. In the room, there is a table with a chess board. Arthur and a hooded figure are sitting at the table playing chess
Horns are coming out of the hooded figure hood

Panel 2:
Arthur's head in this hands

Arthur: I can still help her cry for help even now
Figure: Check


Panel 3:
The figure looks up at Arthur while Arthur's head is still in his hands.

Figure: I can save her, you just merely just need to ask.

Panel 4:
A knock at the door

Panel 5:
A maid with a trolly enters the room

Page 8:

Panel 1:
The maid is handing over the coffee to Arthur

Maid: Your Coffee and mints your grace
Arthur: That will be all, Thank you

Panel 2:
The maid bows to the Arthur as he picks up the coffee

Panel 3:
The maid leaves the room however the hooded figure is not their

Maid thinking: Is the king talking to himself again

Panel 4:
Arthur sips the coffee

Page 9:

Panel 1:
Flashes to Eleanor screaming as she is being hit with a fireBall

Eleanor: AHHHHHH!!!!!, Someone save me... Please

Panel 2:
Arthur turns to the side to throw up

Arthur: Blech

Panel 3:
Arthur's hand on his heart catching this breath

Arthur: Gasp (heavy breathing)

Page 10:

Panel 1:
Arthur facing the figure

Arthur: Please… Please save her

Panel 2:
The Figure has a creepy smile on his face. Horns can be seen coming out of where his eyes should be. There is a single eye in the middle of his forehead

Figure: Seeing as you asked so nicely

Panel 3:
The figure snaps his fingers

Page 11:

Panel 1:
Bird-eye view of the room - A large throne room full of guests.

Panel 2:
Four girls chatting. Including Eleanor

Noble 1: How is your sister doing? I heard that she defeated the demon king.
Noble 2: I heard that most of the party got killed.

Panel 3:
Eleanor looks a little worried with the news of her sister losing her friends

Eleanor: She's doing well… At least that's what she told me in her letters

Panel 4:
Eleanor looks a bit down as her sister is not here

Eleanor: I was hoping she would arrive back in time for tonight.
Noble 3: It's a real shame that she's missing her birthday

Panel 5:
Eleanor looks hopeful

Eleanor: I'm sure farther will arrange something special for her

Page 12

Panel 1:
The king is tapping this glass with a fork to get the guess attention
Eleanor waving bye to her friends as she heads off

Eleanor That is my cue to go, Chat soon

Panel 2:
Eleanor is standing next to the king and queen. The whole room is watching them

King: I would like to start by thanking everyone for coming here tonight to celebrate. We have had a tough couple of years with the Demon Queen Lilith pillaging our land

Panel 4:

King: But I'm happy to announce that those years are behind us, As the Demon Queen was slain just the other day, by my beloved daughter, the royal hero, Persephone.

Panel 5:
Raising His glass

King: Let's all raise a glass to the fallen, to the hero and to the future.

Page 13:

Panel 1:
The crowd raised their glasses in celebration

Panel 2:

King: Sadly Persephone is still on her way home so can’t make it tonight but…

Panel 3:
Eleanor is blushing . The king's arms are showing her off

King: …My eldest daughter Eleanor is here celebrating her 18th birthday

Panel 4:
The king gesturing to the crowd with his arms

King: So which young nobleman would like to take my daughter's hand for the first dance of the night?

Page 14:

Panel 1:
A young noble steps forward

Panel 2:
The noble bows to Eleanor while offering his hand for a dance.

Noble: May I have the pleasure of having the first dance.

Panel 3:
Eleanor Smiles and takes the guy's hand

Eleanor: You may

Panel 4:
The two of the head to the centre of the hall

Page 15:

Panel 1:
The crowd has crowded around them

Panel 2:
The two of them are dancing

Panel 3:
Eleanor and the noble are smiling while dancing

Page 16:

Panel 1:
Eleanor and the noble are spinning (dancing). Eleanor sees a maid chatting with the king and queen

Panel 2:
The maid with the king and queen leave the room

Panel 3:
Close up on the king and queen's faces. They look annoyed

Panel 4:
Eleanor looks a bit concerned

Eleanor Thinking: I hope nothing wrong

Page 17:

Panel 1:
It's the next morning the king and queen are having breakfast. Eleanor enters the room yawning. The king and queen are chatting about last night.

Queen: I can’t believe the nerve of her…
Eleanor yawning: Morrnning

Panel 2:
The king and queen quickly stop their conversation.

King: Morning dear, did you sleep well last night?
Queen: Morning, Please join us

Panel 3:
Eleanor is curious about what she just overheard. Eleanor walked to the table
Eleanor: I sleep great thanks, what were you two talking about?

Panel 4:
Eleanor is now sitting down. A servant is passing over a fruit bowl to Eleanor

Queen: It’s nothing dear. Here have some fruit
Eleanor: Thank you, mother.

Page 18:

Panel 1:
Persephone enters the room Smiling.
Persephone looks almost the same as Eleanor (Showing that they are twins) however her hairstyle is different.

Persephone: Good morning

Panel 2:
The king and queen look displeased

Panel 3:
Eleanor looks overwhelmed with happiness
Eleanor: Sis, when did you get back?

Page 19:

Panel 1:
Eleanor hugs Persephone but Persephone is not hugging her back

Persephone: I got back late last night.
Eleanor: I missed you so much

Panel 2:

Persephone now hugging Eleanor her face looks like is hiding her anger

Persephone: I missed you too, Sorry I missed last night.

Panel 3:
Persephone and Eleanor are now looking at each other. Both girls are smiling

Persephone: So what did I miss last night? Did anything happen?


Page 20:

Panel 1:
The king, queen, Persephone and Eleanor are sitting around the table. Empty food plates are in front of each of them. Eleanor has her arms out wide

Eleanor: And you should have seen the cake. It was huge. I saved you a slice as well.

Queen: It's your favourite. Chocolate.

Panel 2:
Persephone hides her anger behind a smile.

Persephone: It sounds like a wonderful evening, It’s shame that I missed it

Panel 3:
The king looks displeased

King: Well it can’t be helped. Just be sure to come to make it to the next one.

Panel 4:
Persephone looks annoyed

Persephone: Sorry father, Next time I will ask the demon queen to rearrange her invasion.

Page 21:
Panel 1:
The king is angry

King: Don’t get lippy with me, young lady. You might be a hero but you're still my daughter. You have a royal dutyto attend these events

Panel 2:
The Queen is looking displeased

Queen: You really are an ungrateful child, Why can’t you behave like your sister?

Panel 3:
Persephone slams the table

Persephone: I'm sorry. That I’m not the daughter you wanted.

Page 22:

Panel 1:
Eleanor looks upset

Eleanor: Stop this. Please stop fighting, why can’t we all get along for once.

Panel 2:
The king and queen look stunned by Eleanor's action

King: Yes you're quite right
Queen: Persephone apologise at once to your sister

Panel 3:
Persephone still annoyed

Persephone: Sorry

Panel 4:
The king passing his cup over the table

King: Persephone mind grabbing me some water
Queen: Make that two dear

Page 23:

Panel 1:
Persephone is pissed off

Persephone: We have servants to do that,

Panel 2:
The king with a serious face:

King: I asked you to do it. Or would you prefer a command?

Panel 3:
Persephone is still annoyed but has a fake smile on her face

Persephone sarcastically: Certainly farther,
Persephone: Eleanor what one as well?

Panel 4:
Eleanor smiling and waving her hands no

Eleanor: I'm good, thank you

Page 24:

Panel 1:
Persephone pouring the drink back towards us.
Eleanor facing her mum and dad and they are facing her

Eleanor: Could you two be nice please it’s been too long since we have all been together
Queen: Your right dear
King: I guess I have been a bit hard

Panel 2:
Hand passing a cup to the king

Page 25:
 
Panel 1:
They are all sitting around the table

Eleanor: Oh I know, let's have toast

Panel 2:
Eleanor raising her cup

Eleanor: To all being reunited again at last, and to you sis for saving the world,

Panel 3:
The king and queen are about to drink

Eleanor: Oh and to good health

Panel 4:
Persephone smiling and looking at Eleanor

Persephone: you speech still needs work

Panel 5:
Eleanor smiling back at Persephone

Eleanor: It wasn't that bad was it. What do you think father?

Page 26:

Panel 1:
Eleanor smiling face turning to face the king

Panel 2:

Eleanor's face looks shocked, small blood splatter on her cheek

Panel 3:
Eleanor looks worried, Screaming

Eleanor: mother father!!!!!!

Page 27:

Panel 1:
The king and queen are facing both Eleanor and Persephone The faces are covered in blood.
Blood is coming out of their eyes and mouth

Panel 2:
A small panel showing the cup of water being spilt over

Page 28:

Panel 1:
Eleanor is sitting in a hallway opposite a door. Outside the door are 2 guards.
Eleanor's head is in her hands the moon can be seen in the sky from the window

Panel 2:
Close up on Eleanor sitting down

Eleanor thinking: Why... Why is this happening? Everything was meant to be back to how it was.

Panel 3:
Persephone leaving the room

Panel 4:
Persephone sits next to Eleanor

Panel 5:
Persephone's arm around Eleanor

Persephone: I’ve used healing magic to try and help with the pain. But it's not working against the poison.

Page 29:

Panel 1:
Eleanor looking at Persephone tears are running down her face

Eleanor: Why.. Why is this happening sis

Panel 2:

Persephone: Followers of the demon queen are probably behind this

Panel 3:
Eleanor looks worried, Persephone now hugging Eleanor

Panel 4:

Persephone: Don’t worry I will protect you, I won’t let anything happen to you, I promise 

Panel 5:
The magic spell is behind Eleanor's head. Eleanor's head buried into Persephone's shoulder

Persephone: This will help you sleep
Persephone: Sleep
Page 30:

Panel 1:
Eleanor bedroom
Eleanor wakes up in her Bed (springing forward)

Panel 2:
Eleanor’s hand on her head

Eleanor thinking: Aww my head is pounding

Panel 3:
Eleanor leaves her room

Panel 4:
Eleanor standing outside her room. No one is visible

Page 31:

Panel 1:
Eleanor looking worried

Eleanor: Hello,  Anybody here?
Eleanor thinking: where is everyone

Panel 2:
Eleanor remembers Persephone mentioning the Followers of the demon queen(Page 29- Panel 2)

Panel 3:
Eleanor looking really worried

Eleanor thinking: I need to find Sis

Panel 4:
Eleanor running through the hallway

Panel 5:
Eleanor opens a door. Eleanor looking nervous

Eleanor: Sis you in here … something …..

Page 32:

Panel 1:
Persephone's bedroom (smaller than Eleanor bedroom) Eleanor standing in the doorway
Looking at Persephone and the noble that Eleanor danced with. The noble has a dagger in his hand.

Eleanor: ….doesn't feel right

Panel 2:
The noble head turns to face Eleanor smiling

Noble: Eleanor … I’m

Panel 3:
Persephone grabs the noble’s hand

Panel 4:
The noble turns to face Persephone with shock on his face


Page 33:
Panel 1:
The noble dagger is in his heart. This hand is still holding the dagger with Persephone hands holding his. Fast move action around the dagger as Persephone cast magic to help stab the noble.

Persephone Shouting: Swift wind

Panel 2:
Persephone runs to Eleanor. The noble body falling over. Persephone has the dagger in her hand.

Panel 3:
Persephone hugs Eleanor. Eleanor looks in shock

Persephone: Thank the gods you're safe.
Eleanor: Sis … wh…ats (gulp) What's ..going.. on

Page 34:

Panel 1:
Persephone looks Eleanor in the eyes, Eleanor is still looking at the body

Persephone: I need you to listen
Persephone Shouting: Eleanor, Eleanor!!

Panel 2:
Eleanor looking at Persephone, Eleanor is looking pale

Eleanor: Ye... Yes Sis
Persephone: We don’t have much time. I need you to listen closely.

Panel 3:

Persephone: General Judes has staged a coup,

Panel 4:
Persephone looks at the floor

Persephone: Mother and father are dead and we are next.

Panel 5:
Eleanor shakes in disbelief. She looks scared and pale

Eleanor: Dead - No it can’t be.
Eleanor shouting: That can’t be true!

Page 35:

Panel 1:
Persephone looks Eleanor in the eyes again

Persephone: We have to get out of here now.

Panel 2:
Persephone hands the knife over to Eleanor

Panel 3:

Eleanor pushes the knife away
Eleanor:  I .. I can’t

Panel 4:
Eleanor looks at the body again

Eleanor: That was the guy I danced with

Panel 5:
Persephone also looking at the body

Persephone: He was going to kill you but he mistook me for you

Page 36:

Panel 1:

Eleanor: But... Why would he want...
Persephone: … are you forgetting that you next in line for the throne

Panel 2:
Heavy Footsteps can be heard rushing towards them in the hallway

Panel 3:
Persephone hands the knife over to Eleanor again

Persephone: Please, take it. It will make me feel better

Panel 4:
Eleanor grabs the knife but is unsure how to hold it

Eleanor: Ok, but what will you use

Page 37:

Panel 1:
As Eleanor takes the knife she cut Persephone's hand

Eleanor: Sis are you hurt

Panel 2:
Persephone Smiles at Eleanor

Persephone: I’m fine, it's just a scratch

Panel 3:
Persephone pick up her sword and the corner of the room

Persephone: Anyway, I’ll be using my good friend here

Panel 4:
The door burst open with several armed knights now in the doorway.

Page 37:

Panel 1:
Eleanor turns to face the knight. She looks terrified while holding her knife in front of her. Persephone is wielding a sword.

Eleanor: Sis help
Persephone Shouting: Swift wind

Panel 2:
Persephone darting towards Eleanor

Panel 3.
Eleanor lying with her back on the floor. Persephone on top of her. Her sword pierced into Eleanor’s stomach.
Eleanor has tears running in her eyes and is screaming in pain
Eleanor: AHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Page 38:

Panel 1:
Persephone looks glad and relieved

Persephone: Guards help before she escapes

Panel 2:
Eleanor trying to speak

Eleanor: Sis,  Wh...

Panel 3:
Persephone twist the sword as Eleanor tries to speak
Eleanor screaming in pain

Eleanor: AHHHHH!!!!!

Panel 4:
Persephone and the guard captain look at each other. The captain is kneeling, Persephone has a smile on her face

Captain: Thank the gods we were in time to help my queen

Page 39:

Page 1:
Eleanor coughing up blood with tears in her eyes

Eleanor: Wh..y... Sis…

Page 2:
Persephone and the captain stand up while Persephone takes her sword out of Eleanor.

Page 3:
Persephone casts heal on Eleanor

Persephone: Can’t have you dying on me.
Persephone: Heal

Page 4:
Persephone pointing to the guards

Persephone: Take her to the dungeon. I’ll deal with her soon

Page 5:
The guards drag Eleanor.
Eleanor: W..hy.. Si..s…

Page 40:
Page 1:
Persephone and the captain standing next to each other. The other guards have left

Captain: Most of her supporters have been dealt with. Though a few still remain.
Persephone: Have your best men deal with them.
Captain: They are already on it

Page 2:
Persephone Smiling

Persephone: Perfect, Now I can finally get the reward I deserve for saving the world

Chapter 2 script darft 2

Spoiler
Page 1:

Panel 1:
Openings with a location image of a dungeon. The dungeon has a rat in and dripping water.
Eleanor is dressed in a prison rag outfit. Her hands and feet are tied up. She is hanging from the ceiling with her hands in a dungeon Her head is lowered as she is sleeping.

Panel 2:
Two guards enter the room

Guard: Wakey Wakey

Panel 3:
Eleanor is being splashed with a bucket of water. The shock of the water hitting her wakes her up

Panel 4:

Guard 2 - it’s time for execution

Panel 5:
Eleanor looking terrified

Eleanor: My execution??

Page 2:

Panel 1:
Guard punching Eleanor in the stomach

Guard: You deaf whore… You are guilty of treason

Panel 2:
Eleanor with tears down her face

Eleanor: No that can’t b…

Panel 3:
The guard punches Eleanor again

Panel 4:
Eleanor has a pillory around her hands and 2 chains around her neck. Each guard is carrying a chain

Page 3:

Panel 1:
Eleanor is in the archway of a huge colosseum.
Around the colosseum are people being crucified

With a crowd shouting

Crowd: Traitor, Murder, Kill the traitor,

Panel 2:
Close up on a crucified person show one it’s of Eleanor's noble friends from chapter 1
Her mouth is red where her tongue has been cut out
Noble: Sabe me….Pweaze…

Page 4:

Panel 1:
Eleanor being dragged to the middle of the colosseum
Stones can be seen being thrown at Eleanor
Eleanor is crying

Panel 2:
Eleanor sees her sister in the middle of the colosseum

Eleanor: Sis pleas…

Panel 3:
A stone hit Eleanor in the eye causing it to bleed
Eleanor screams out in pain AHHHHHH

Eleanor: AHHHHHH!!!!

Panel 4:
Eleanor is forced to kneel in front of Persephone
Persephone raises a hand gesturing for the crowd to be silent

Panel 5:
A magic circle appears in front of Persephone and around Eleanor's neck

Persephone: Enhance speech
Persephone: Silence

Page 5:

Panel 1:
Eleanor is squirming in pain covering her eye the best she can

Persephone: I Queen Persephone II am shocked by my treasonous sister act, The murder of our father and mother, Your King and Queen, as well as Duke Richard.

Panel 2:
The crowd start shouting

Crowd: Kill the traitor
Persephone: Even so I still see the sister I loved and cared for. If she confesses and repent for her sins I will show her mercy.

Panel 3:
Persephone looks at Eleanor who is pale with fear

Persephone: So sister what will it be. Mercy or …

Panel 4:
Eleanor no longer has the silent spell around her neck and the Loud in font of Persephone  is also removed
Persephone leans into Eleanor's ear

Eleanor: Sis, please. Why are you doing this? I love you

Panel 5:
Persephone looks furious

Persephone:’ WHY WHY.

Page 6:

Panel 1:
Persephone stops herself from getting carried away (Hand over mouth)

Persephone: If you don’t confess I will make you suffer After all we are above the Pit, I'm sure those criminals will love to have you

Panel 2:
Eleanor images her in the pit with the criminals

Panel 3:
Eleanor crying:

Eleanor: Please sis. I don’t want to die

Panel 4:

Persephone: If you confess I promise you, that you will not be sentenced to death
Eleanor thinking: What do I do. I don’t want to die

Panel 5:
Persephone: 10, 9…

Page 7:
 
Panel 1:
The look of panic washes over Eleanor's face

Panel 2:
The crowd are shouting:

Crowd: Kill the traitor, Burn her alive

Eleanor thinking: I don’t want to die

Persephone: 2,1

Panel 3:

Eleanor whispered:  I did it.
Persephone: Louder Louder so the everyone can hear

Panel 4:
The loud magic spell  is infont of Eleanor, tears are running down Eleanor's face

Persephone: Enhance speech
Eleanor: I did it. I killed my mother and father,
Please sister show me mercy, you promised

Panel 5:
Persephone has a sadistic smile while snapping her fingers
The Magic spell is now longer their

Persephone - Unlike you, I keep my promises

Page 8:

Panel 1
A giant slug is being dragged from the gate

Panel 2:
Eleanor's face looks confused

Panel 3:

Persephone: And for your punishment, I will grant you the wonderful life of being a living training dummy. You will only be allowed to eat once a week from the sewage waste. I would say this is a fitting end for someone you only take from the kingdom. Now Its time to give back

Panel 4:
Eleanor's face is pale
Eleanor: but you said I would be shown mercy

Page 9:

Panel 1:
Persephone Laughing

Persephone: Promised you that you won’t be sentenced to death

Panel 2:
Persephone's face next to Eleanor's ear
Persephone has a sadistic smile on her face.

Persephone: How I have longed for the day. I have always hated you sister. Every day I saw you, was a reminder that I was less than you just because I was born 2nd.

Panel 3:
Eleanor’s face next to Persephone's ear
Tears running down Eleanor’s face

Persephone: But have joy know that you won’t suffer alone. Mother and father are suffering too in an eternal nightmare

Page 10:

Panel 1:
Persephone Cast a spell on the slug and Eleanor
Eleanor Eleanor cries out in pain

Persephone: Now… Soul Exchange
Eleanor: AHHHH!!!

Panel 2:
Persephone pointing to her old body

Persephone: Dump her old body the in the pit I have no need for it

Panel 3:
The guards drag her old body away. Standing back up, Persephone casts another spell, Eleanor on in her new slug body

Persephone: Life regen
 Persephone: Nealy forgot about this spell. And as promised, you won’t die

Page 11:

Panel 1:
Persephone raises both arms

Persephone: Now lets the Coronation games begin

Panel 2:
The crowd cheer A group of gladiators line up

crowd: Long Live the queen Long live the Hero

Panel 3:

Persephone: First off let's have the are contestants show us their strength on our new target

Panel 4:
Eleanor Half slug face half-human face. Her human face has tears running while nothing shows on the slug's face.

Eleanor Thinking: Help me please, someone, please

Page 11:

Panel 1:
Chapter 1 Page 1 panel 1 is shown

Panel 2:
Behind her is the Figure wielding a scythe. Horns have replaced where eyes would normally be. The figure has an eye in the middle of his forehead, and white wings coming from his back. Time has been stopped at this moment

Panel 3:
The figure swings this scythe at Eleanor

Page 12:

Panel 1:
Suddenly Eleanor teleported to a room. Eleanor is panicking. She is naked.

Eleanor: AHHHHHHH!!!!
Eleanor: Someone save me Please

Panel 2:
Eleanor looks at her hands and starts to realise that she is no longer a slug and that her wounds have healed

Panel 3:
Eleanor is hugged behind by a priestess (Illyria) The hug is also adding a white rob coving Eleanor's body.

Illyria's charming voice: Don't worry your safe

Panel 4:
Eleanor looks at the priestess (Illyria), Illyria smiles calmly at Eleanor

Illyria: You're safe now. The hero can’t hurt you here.


Page 13:

Panel 1:
Illyria is sitting next to Eleanor. Holding both of Eleanor's hands

Illyria: I’m Illyria, What's your name?
Eleanor still catching her breath: El.. I'm Eleanor. Am I dead?

Panel 2:
Illyria is waving her hands

Illyria: Oh no no no. You are still very much alive

Panel 3:
Eleanor signs a breath of relief

Panel 4:
Illyria is looking pleased.

Illyria - The King heard your cries to help. So he saved you. Just like he saved me. Isn’t that nice of him

Panel 5:
Eleanor looks confused

Eleanor: Saved you?

Page 14:

Panel 1:
Illyria nods while standing up holding both of Eleanor's hands again to help her stand.

Illyria: I’m just like you, a victim of a hero. This place is a sanctuary for people like us.
Eleanor: So where am I?

Panel 2:
Both girls are walking towards a window. Illyria and Eleanor are looking at each other

Illyria: This is a lot to take in but you have been teleported to another world.
Eleanor: Another world?

Panel 3:
Illyria thinking

Illyria: That's not even the hard bit. This world hmm… how to put it. It's very different from the one you're used to.
Eleanor: different how?

Panel 4:
Illyria opens the curtain to the window

Illyria: It will be easier for you to see for yourself

Panel 5:
Eleanor's face is in awe with what she seeing
City reflection can be seen in her eye

Page 15:

Panel 1:
A huge sci-fi city with towering buildings with tinted glass. Flying cars, Billboards etc

Page 16:

Panel 1:
Eleanor's face is in awe. Illyria standing next to her with an arm behind her to support her in case she faints
Illyria: The world is far more advanced than what we are used to

Panel 2:
Illyria looking at Eleanor's face, Eleanor is still looking at the city

Illyria: Come let's get you dressed and grab some breakfast

Panel 3:
Eleanor and Illyria are on a balcony. Eleanor leaning on the bannister looking at the city while Illyria sitting down.
Eleanor is wearing a dress. The table has an empty fruit bowl. Two guards are present in power armour

Page 17:

Panel 1:
Illyria holding a cup of coffee.

Illyria - I still remember the 1st time I saw this place it truly is amazing isn't it.

Panel 2:
Eleanor turns her head towards Illyria

Eleanor: Yeah it's breathtaking, What was your world like?

Panel 3:
Illyria holding a cup of coffee still

Illyria: Probably similar to yours. It was beautiful then the demon king attacked. Shortly after we defeated him, One of the party members in my world became corrupt. He became worst than the demon king that we fought.

Panel 4:
Illyria has fear in her eye and is trembling slightly. The background becomes dark

Illyria: He.. he

Page 18:

Panel 1:
Eleanor holding Illyria's hands

Eleanor: I understand.

Panel 2:
Eleanor is smiling at Illyria to reassure her

Panel 3:
Eleanor is now sitting next to Illyria

Eleanor: So what's this king like?

Panel 4:
Illyria thinking

Illyria: He’s and kind and just ruler…

Panel 5:
Illyria is smiling while nudging Eleanor's shoulder

Illyria: .. and he’s cute.

Page 19:

Panel 1:
Illyria: has a serious face

Illyria: But best of all he made this world safe haven for us

Panel 2:
Illyria is looking a bit upset:
Illyria:  He’s sadly busy today, so I will show you around if that sounds good to you?
Panel 3:

Eleanor: That sounds nice thank you, but are you positive my sister won’t find me here?

Panel 4:
Illyria's hand on her heart

Illyria: I promise she won’t find you. As far as I’m aware not a single hero has ever existed in this world

Panel 5:
Illyria pointing

Illyria: Plus look that them

Page 20:

Panel 1:
Illyria's hand pointing at a guard

Guard: Fear not princess, As long as I have breath no harm will come to you
Illyria: See, nothing to fear

Panel 2:
Illyria stands up while taking Eleanor's hand while walking to the balcony

Illyria: Come I want to show you something

Panel 3:
Illyria and Eleanor at standing on the balcony looking at the city.

Illyria: See that stone building over there.

Page 21:

Panel 1:
1st person view of Illyria's hand pointing at a stone building in the city.

Illyria: That's the Imperial Museum
Illyria: It's also the oldest building in the city

Panel 2:
1st person view of Illyria's hand pointing at a stone building in the city. Chibi face of Eleanor looking  confused and Illyria sighs
Eleanor: Museum???
Illyria: It's a type of building with all the history of this world. It might be worth going there later today or tomorrow to learn about this world.

Panel 3:
Illyria's hand pointing at a Tokyo/ Eiffel tower build

Illyria: Over there is the Imperial Tower. It's a great way to see more of the city. We can add that to the list of places to visit

Panel 4:
Illyria pointing at a grand cathedral

Illyria:  And lastly over there is the grand cathedral

Page 22:

Panel 1:
Illyria proudly

Illyria: If you ever need me I’ll likely be there, After all, I am the High saintess of the church

Panel 2:
Eleanor looking hopeful

Eleanor: Would it be ok to visit there as well?

Panel 3:
Illyria's face lights up

Illyria: Of cause. We can go at once if you like.

Panel 4:
Illyria proudly

Illyria: I had a feeling you would be a follower of god

Page 23:

Panel 1:
Eleanor: Yeah if we can. I’ll like to pray to the gods

Panel 2:
Illyria's smile leaves her face

Illyria: Their only one god here

Panel 3:
Illyria looks serious

Illyria: The creator, the god of everything, Life, death, Heaven, Hell

Panel 4:
Eleanor looks like she pleading with Illyria

Eleanor:  But...

Panel 5:
Illyria puts her finger on Eleanor's lips cutting of Eleanor

Page 24:

Panel 1:
Illyria is still serious but understanding

Illyria: Look, I understand how you feel, But in this world worshipping gods is a sign of heresy.

Panel 2:
Illyria has a strict face

Illyria: Be grateful that these guards are understanding, Anyone else overhearing you mention gods would brand you a heretic.

Panel 3:
Eleanor looks sad

Eleanor: I'm sorry, I just want to pray to my mother and father and let them know that I'm ok.

Panel 4:
Illyria hugged Eleanor but still is looking at her face

Illyria: I understand, I have a private room, that I use to pray to the gods of my world. You can use that

Panel 4:
Eleanor looks relived
Eleanor: that would be great, thank you

Page 25:

Panel 1:
Illyria no longer hugging Eleanor. Illyria looks happy

Illyria: Perfect then let's get ready and head out then

Panel 2:
Eleanor looks worried

Eleanor: I don’t know if I'm ready to leave, what if something happens

Panel 3:
Illyria looks disappointed at Eleanor

Illyria: Trust me bad nothing will happen, we will be going to one of the safest places in the empire

Panel 4:
Illyria points to the guards

Illyria: Plus we will have these guys with us the whole time

Panel 5:
Illyria holding Eleanor's hand as if she is begging

 Illyria: And you did want to pray, after all, I’ll even pray with you if you like?

Page 26:

Panel 1:
Eleanor still looks a bit worried

Eleanor: Ok but only for a bit ok

Panel 2::
Illyria is happy

Illyria: Perfect, then let's go

Panel 3:
Illyria look at the guards

Guard: The security detail can be ready in 35 mins princess.

Panel 4:
Illyria is smiling at Eleanor while taking Eleanor's hand. As they're walking back into the palace

Illyria: Wonderful, I can see us being best of friend

Page 27:

Panel 1:
A phone starts ringing.

Panel 2:
An old priest picks up the phone. A voice comes from the phone.

Phone: The saint princess will be heading to the church shorty. She will be accompanied by the king's newest girl. Praise be the creator

Panel 3:
The phone goes dead. The old priest puts the phone down

Panel 4:
The priest starts smiling sadistically

Page 28:

Panel 1:
The priest has his arms out in an embrace stance front of him are several other priests and priestess

Priest: Brothers, sisters. Our faith is being tested now more than ever. The king has abandoned god in his pursuit of lust. He has brought another heretic to our world.

Panel 2:

Priest: So we must right these wrongs ourselves. In the name of the creator. We must cleanse this world of its corruption before it’s too late.

Panel 3:

Priest: Praise be the creator

Priest and priestess: Praise be the creator