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Author Topic: Looking for feedback  (Read 565 times)

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Offline fear0knight

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Looking for feedback
« on: June 22, 2022, 12:20:27 PM »
Hey Everyone.

I'm currently writing a manga and, was looking for some feedback on it.

I have already decided how I would like most of the 1st couple of chapters to play out, That is why some chapters are in a script format instead of a summary format.

Please note that there are spelling and grammar mistakes as I have dyslexia.


Manga Tags:
Fantasy, Isekai, Sci-fi, Action

Manga Summary:
Spoiler
Eleanor was the king's eldest child and next in line for the throne. Everything in her life was perfect. Until her 18th birthday when she was betrayed by the very person, she loved the most. The hero who saved the world from the demon king, Her Sister. Her Sister took everything from Eleanor, Her Family, Her throne, and her future.

In Eleanor's moment of despair, she was teleported to a new world. A world where magic doesn't exist, a world with skyscrapers and flying cars. A world where other girls were saved from the torment of the very heroes that saved their world.

However, heroes don’t take it lightly when their playthings are taken away from them.


Chapter 1, Script Draft 1

Spoiler
Page 1:
In a large colosseum

Takes up a full page
Eleanor's face crying out in pain while several images are around her face.
These images are her perspective of her being attacked. E.g. Getting hit by a mace.
Mage casting fireball..

Eleanor: AHHHH , Someone save me. Help me

Page 2:
large bedroom with en-suite bathroom. Early morning (3.30am) Arthur and Camilla are sleeping

Panel 1:
Arthur suddenly wakes up from his sleep. He’s drench in sweat from the dream he just had.

Arthur: Gasp (heavy breathing)

Panel 2:
Arthur is rushing out of bed coving his mouth

Panel 3:
Arthur entering the en-suite bathroom.

Panel 4:
Leaning over a sink throwing up

Arthur: Blech

Panel 5:
Looking at the bathroom mirror. Face wet from the sweat.
Arthur: Gasp (heavy breathing)

Page 3:

Panel 1:
Arthur back in the bedroom and is getting dressed.
Camilla looking slightly awake sitting up

Arthur: Sorry for waking you.
Camilla: Come back to bed.
Arthur:  I’m sorry but I can’t I’ve got work to do

Panel 2:
Camilla looking at the clock. While Arthur does up his jacket.

Camilla: What work, It's half three in the morning
Arthur: Their something important that needs doing

Panel 3:
Arthur heads over to Camilla

Arthur: I should be free around dinner time if you wish to join me.
Camilla: Fine, Just don’t be late

Panel 4:
Arthur leans into camilla to kiss her on the forehead

Panel 5:
Camilla: Pushes him away

Page 5:

Panel 1:
Camilla Making an EWW face while Arthur stands over the bed

Camilla:  EWW Your breath sticks. Have a mint or something

Panel 2:
Arthur opens the bedroom door to leave the room

Panel 3:
As Arthur about to leave the room, he turns to camilla. Who is now fast asleep again

Arthur Thinking: atleast I don’t keep her up for long

Panel 4:
Suddenly Arthur's face is pale as he can hear screaming

Eleanor: AHHHH

Page 6:

Panel 1:
Arthur is now in a hallway with 4 rooms on the left side. The Right side has several windows and plant pots. Two guards in power armour are at each end of the hallway. Seeing Arthur the guards stand at attention

Arthur Thinking: Her screaming getting worst.

Panel 2:
Arthur power walks through the hallway 2 of the guards are now following him. Outside of the window you can see a sci city

Panel 3:
Arthur Yarwing

Arthur thinking:  I really need a coffee

Panel 4:
Arthur breaths into his hand

Arthur thinking: And some mints.

Page 7:

Panel 1:
Arthur is now in a small room with no windows and only one door. In the room their is a table with a chess board. Arthur and a hooded figure are sitting at the table playing chess

Panel 2:
Arthur head in this hands

Arthur : I can still help hear crys for help even now
Figure: Check


Panel 3:
The Figure looks up at Arthur while Arthur head still in his hands.

Figure: I can save her, you just merely just need to ask.

Panel 4:
A knock at the door

Panel 5:
A maid with a trolly enters the room

Page 8:

Panel 1:
The maid is handing over the coffee to Arthur

Maid: Your Coffee and mints your grace
Arthur: That will be all, Thank you

Panel 2:
The maid bows to the Arthur as he picks up the coffee

Panel 3:
The maid leaves the room however the hooded figure is not their

Maid thinking: Is the king talking to himself again

Panel 4:
Arthur sips the coffee

Page 9:

Panel 1:
Flashes the screaming Eleanor being hit with a fireBall

Eleanor: AHHHHHH, Someone save me.. Please

Panel 2:
Arthur turns to the side and throws up

Arthur: Blech

Panel 3:
Arthur hand on his heart while catching this breath

Arthur: Gasp (heavy breathing)

Page 10:

Panel 1:
Arthur facing the figure

Arthur: Please… Please save her

Panel 2:
The Figure has a creepy smile on his face. No other features can be seen

Figure: Seeing as you asked so nicely

Panel 3:
The figure snaps his fingers


Page 11:

Panel 1:
Birdeye view of the room - A large throne room full of nobles.

Panel 2:
Four girls chatting. Including Eleanor

Noble 1: How is your sister doing? I heard that she defeated the demon king.
Noble 2: I heard that most of her party got killed.

Panel 3:
Eleanor looks a little worried with the news of her sister losing her friends

Eleanor: She doing well… At least that's what she told me in her letters

Panel 4:
Eleanor looks a bit down as her sister is not here

Eleanor: I was hoping she would arrive back in time for tonight.
Noble 3: It's a real shame that she is missing her birthday

Panel 5:
Eleanor looks hopeful

Eleanor: I'm sure father will arrange something special for her

Page 12

Panel 1:
The king is tapping this glass with a fork to get the guess attention
Eleanor is waving bye to her friends as she walking off

Eleanor That is my queue to go, Chat soon

Panel 2:
Eleanor is standing next to the king and queen. The whole room is watching them

King: I would like to start by thanking everyone for coming here tonight to celebrate. We have had a tough couple of years with the demon king pillaging our land but i'm happy to say that those years are behind us

Panel 4:

King: But i'm happy to announce that those years are behind us, As the demon king was slain just the other day, by the royal hero herself. By beloved daughter no less

Panel 5:
Raising His glass

King: Lets all raise a glass to the fallen, to the hero and to the future

Page 13:

Panel 1:
The crowd raising their glasses in celebration

Panel 2:

King: Sadly Persephone is still on her way home so can’t make it tonight but.

Panel 3:
Eleanor is blushing.The kings arms are showing her off

King: my eldest daughter Eleanor is here celebrating her 18th birthday

Panel 4:
The king Gesturing to the ground with his arms

King: So which young nobleman would like to take my daughters hand for the first dance of the night?

Page 14:

Panel 1:
A young noble steps forward

Panel 2:
The noble bows to Eleanor while offering his hand for a dance.

Noble: May I have the pleasure of having the first dance.

Panel 3:
Eleanor Smiles and takes the guys hand

Eleanor: You may

Panel 4:
The two of the head to the center of the hall

Page 15:

Panel 1:
The crowd has crowed around them

Panel 2:
The two of them are dancing

Panel 3:
Eleanor and the noble are smiling while dancing

Page 16:

Panel 1:
Eleanor and the noble are spinning (dancing). Eleanor sees a maid chatting with the king and Queen

Panel 2:
The maid with the king and queen leave the room

Panel 3:
Close up on the king and queens face. They look annoyed

Panel 4:
Eleanor looks a bit concerned

Eleanor Thinking: I hope nothing wrong

Page 17:

Panel 1:
Its the next morning the king and queen are having breakfast. Eleanor enters the room yarwing. The king and queen are chatting about last night.

Queen: I can’t believe the nerve of her…
Eleanor: Morrnning

Panel 2:
The king and queen quickly stop their conversation.

King: Morning dear, did you sleep well last night?
Queen: Morning, Please join us

Panel 3:
Eleanor is curious about what she just overheard. Eleanor walking to the table

Eleanor: I sleep great thanks, what were you two talking about.?

Panel 4:
Eleanor now sitting down. Passing over a fruit bowl to Eleanor

Queen: It’s nothing dear. Here have some fruit
Eleanor: Thank you, Mother.

Page 18:

Panel 1:
Persephone enters the room Smiling

Persephone: Good morning

Panel 2:
The king and queen look displeased

Panel 3:
Eleanor looks overwhelmed with happiness
Eleanor: Sis, when did you get back?

Page 19:

Panel 1:
Eleanor is Hugging Persephone but Persephone not hugging her back

Persephone: I got back late last night.
Eleanor: I missed you so much

Panel 2:

Persephone now hugging Eleanor her face looks like is pressing her anger

Persephone: I missed you too, Sorry I missed last night.

Panel 3:
Persephone and Eleanor are now looking at each other. Both girls are smiling

Persephone: You go to tell me everything that happened

Page 20:

Panel 1:
The king, queen and Persephone, and Eleanor are sitting around the table. Empty food plates are in front of each of them. Eleanor has her arms out wide

Eleanor: and you should have seen the cake it was huge. I saved you a slice as well.

Queen: It's your favorite.. Chocolate.

Panel 2:
Persephone hiding her anger behind a smile.

Persephone: It sounds like a wonderful evening, I'm really a shame that I missed it

Panel 3:
The king looking displeased

King: well it can’t be helped. Just be sure to come to make it to the next one.

Panel 4:
Persephone looks annoyed

Persephone: Sorry father, Next time I will ask the demon king to rearrange this invasion.

Page 21:
Panel 1:
The king is angry

King: Don’t get lippy with me, young lady. You might be a hero but you're still my daughter. You have an duty to attend these events

Panel 2:
The Queen is looking displeased

Queen: Why can’t you be like your sister.

Panel 3:
Persephone slams the table

Persephone: I'm sorry, I'm not the daughter you wanted.

Page 22:

Panel 1:
Eleanor looks upset

Eleanor: Stop this. Please stop fighting why can’t we all get along for once.

Panel 2:
The king and queen look stunned by Eleanor's action

King: Yes you're quite right
Queen: Persephone apologize at once to your sister

Panel 3:
Persephone still annoyed

Persephone: Sorry

Panel 4:
The king passing his cup over the table

King: Persephone mind grabbing me some water
Queen: Make that two dear

Page 23:

Panel 1:
Persephone is pissed off

Persephone: We have servants to do that,

Panel 2:
The king with a serious face:

King: I asked you to do it. Or would you prefer a command?

Panel 3:
Persephone is still annoyed but has a fake smile on her face

Persephone sarcastically: Certainly farther,
Persephone: Eleanor what one as well?

Panel 4:
Eleanor smiling and waving her hands no

Eleanor: I'm good thank you

Page 24:

Panel 1:
Persephone pouring a drink
Eleanor facing her mum and dad and they are facing her

Eleanor: Could you two be nice please it been its been too long since we have all been together
Queen: Your right dear
King: I guess I have been a bit hard

Panel 2:
Hand passing a cup

Persephone: your drinks

Page 25:
 
Panel 1:
They are all sitting around the table

Eleanor: Oh I know, let's have toast

Panel 2:
Eleanor raising her cup

Eleanor: To all being reunited again at last, and to you sis for saving the world,

Panel 3:
The king and queen are about to drink

Eleanor: Oh and to good health

Panel 4:
Persephone smiling and looking at Eleanor

Persephone: your speech still needs work

Panel 5:
Eleanor smiling back at Persephone

Eleanor: it wasn’t that bad was it. What do you think father?

Page 26:

Panel 1:
Eleanor smiling face turning to face the king

Panel 2:

Eleanor's face looks shocked, small blood splatter on her cheek

Panel 3:
Eleanor looks worried, Screaming

Eleanor: mother father

Page 27:

Panel 1:
The king and queen are facing both Eleanor and Persephone The faces are coved in blood
Blood is coming out of their eyes and mouth

Panel 2:
A small panel showing the cup of water being spilled over

Page 28:

Panel 1:
Eleanor is sitting in a hallway opposite a door. Outside the door are 2 guards.
Eleanor's head is in her hands the moon can be seen in the sky from the window

Panel 2:
Close up on Eleanor sitting down

Eleanor thinking: Why.. why is this happening. Everything was meant to be back to how it was.

Panel 3:
Persephone leaving the room

Panel 4:
Persephone sits next to Eleanor

Panel 5:
Persephone's arm around Eleanor

Persephone: I’ve used healing magic to try and help with the pain. But it's not working against the poison.

Page 29:

Panel 1:
Eleanor looking at Persephone tears are running down her face

Eleanor: Why.. Why is this happening sis

Panel 2:

Persephone: Followers of the demon king are probably behind this

Panel 3:
Eleanor looks worried, Persephone now hugging Eleanor

Panel 4:

Persephone: Don’t worry I will protect you, I won’t let anything happen to you, I promise 

Panel 5:
The magic spell is behind Eleanor's head.

Persephone: This will help you sleep

Page 30:

Panel 1:
Eleanor bedroom
Eleanor wakes up in her Bed (springing forward)

Panel 2:
Eleanor's hand on her head

Eleanor Thinking: Aww My head is pounding

Panel 3:
Eleanor leaves her room

Panel 4:
Eleanor standing outside her room. No one is visible

Page 31:

Panel 1:
Eleanor looking worried

Eleanor: Hello,  Anybody here?
Eleanor thinking: where is everyone

Panel 2:
Eleanor remembers Persephone mentioning the Followers of the demon king (Page 29- Panel 2)

Panel 3:
Eleanor looks really worried

Eleanor thinking: I need to find Sis

Panel 4:
Eleanor ran though the hallway

Panel 5:
Eleanor opens a door. Eleanor looking nervous

Eleanor: Sis you in here … something …..

Page 32:

Panel 1:
Persephone's bedroom (smaller than Eleanor's room) Eleanor standing in the doorway
Looking at Persephone and the noble that Eleanor danced with. The noble has a dagger in his hand.

Eleanor: doesn't feel right

Panel 2:
The noble head turns to face Eleanor smiling

Noble: Eleanor … I’m

Panel 3:
Persephone grabs the noble hand

Panel 4:
The noble turns to face Persephone with shock on this face

Page 33:

Panel 1:
The noble dagger is in his heart. This hand is still holding the dagger with Persephone's hand holdings his. Fast move action around the dagger as Persephone casts magic to help stab the noble.

Persephone Shouting: Swift wind

Panel 2:
Persephone runs to Eleanor. The noble body falling over. Persephone has the dagger in her hand.

Panel 3:
Persephone hugs Eleanor. Eleanor looks in shock

Persephone: thank the gods you're safe.
Eleanor: Sis … wh…ats (gulp) Whats ..going.. On

Page 34:

Panel 1:
Persephone looks Eleanor in the eyes Eleanor still looking at the body

Persephone: I need you to listen
Persephone Shouting: Eleanor, Eleanor

Panel 2:
Eleanor looking Persephone Eleanor looking pale

Eleanor: Ye.. Yes Sis
Persephone: We don’t have much time I need you to listen.

Panel 3:

Persephone: General Judes has staged a coup,

Panel 4:
Persephone looks at the floor

Persephone: Mother and father are dead and we are next.

Panel 5:
Eleanor shaking in disbelief. She looks scared and pale

Eleanor: Dead - No it can’t be.
Eleanor shouting: That can’t be true

Page 35:

Panel 1:
Persephone looks Eleanor in the eyes again

Persephone: We have to get out of here now.

Panel 2:
Persephone hands the knife over to Eleanor

Panel 3:

Eleanor pushes the knife away
Eleanor:  I .. I can’t

Panel 4:
Eleanor looks at the body again

Eleanor: That was the guy I danced with

Panel 5:
Persephone also looks at the body

Persephone: He was going to kill you but he mistook me for you

Page 36:

Panel 1:

Eleanor: But .. Why would he want..
Persephone: … are you forgetting that you're next inline for the throne

Panel 2:
Heavy Footsteps can be heard rushing towards them in the hallway

Panel 3:
Persephone hands the knife over to Eleanor again

Persephone: Please take it. It will make me feel better

Panel 4:
Eleanor grabs the knife but is unsure how to hold it effectively

Eleanor: Ok but what will you use

Page 37:

Panel 1:
As Eleanor takes the knife she cut Persephone

Eleanor: Sis are you hurt

Panel 2:
Persephone Smiles at Eleanor

Persephone: I'm fine, it's just a scratch

Panel 3:
Persephone pick up her sword in the corner of the room

Persephone: Anyway, I’ll be using my good friend here

Panel 4:
The door burst open with several armed knights now in the doorway.

Page 37:

Panel 1:
Eleanor turns to face the knight. She looks terrified while holding her knife behind her is Persephone wielding a sword.

Eleanor: Sis help
Persephone Shouting: Swift wind

Panel 2:
Persephone darting towards Eleanor

Panel 3.
Eleanor lying on the floor. Persephone is on top of her. Her sword piercing Eleanor's stomach.
Eleanor has tears running in her eyes and is screaming in pain


Eleanor: AHHHHHHHH

Page 38:

Panel 1:
Persephone looks glad and relieved

Persephone: Guards help before she escapes

Panel 2:
Eleanor trying to speak

Eleanor: Sis,  Wh ..

Panel 3:
Persephone twists the sword as Eleanor tries to speak
Eleanor screaming in pain

Eleanor: AHHHHH

Panel 4:
The guards take away the knife off Eleanor while Persephone and the General look at each other. The General is standing over Eleanor and Persephone, Persephone and the ranked guard have a smile on their face.

General: Thank the gods we were in time to help my queen

Chapter 2, Script Draft 1

Spoiler
Page 1:

Panel 1:
Eleanor is dressed in a prison rag and is tied up in a dungeon

Eleanor (thinking): Why, Sis why you doing this

Panel 2:

Eleanor: Someone please help me

Panel 3:
Two guards enter the room

Guard - No one going too save a traitous slut like yourself
Guard 2 - Anyway its time for execution

Panel 4:
Eleanor looking terrified

Eleanor: My execution

Page 2:

Panel 1:
Guard punching Eleanor in the stomach

Guard: You deaf whore… You are guilty of treason

Panel 2:
Eleanor with tears down her face

Eleanor:No that can’t b…

Panel 3: .
The guard punches Eleanor again

Panel 4:
Eleanor has a pillor around her hands and 2 chains around her neck. Each guard is carrying a chain

Page 3:

Eleanor is in an arch way of a huge colosseum
With a crowd shouting.

Crowd : Traitor, Murder, Kill the traitor,

Page 4:

Panel 1:
Eleanor being draged to the middle of the colosseum
Stones can be seen being thrown at Eleanor
Eleanor is crying

Panel 2:
Eleanor see's here sister in the middle of the colosseum

Eleanor: Sis pleas hel…

Panel 3:
A stone hit Eleanor in the eye causing it to bleed
Eleanor is screaming out in pain AHHHHHH

Eleanor: AHHHHHH

Panel 4:
Eleanor is forced too kneel infront of Persephone.
Persephone raises an hand gesting for the crowd to be silent

Panel 5:
A magic circle appear's infont of Persephone and around Eleanor's neck

Page 5:

Panel 1:
Eleanor is squirming in pain covering he eye the best she can

Persephone: I Queen Persephone II am shocked by my treasonous sister act, The murder of our Father and mother, Your King and Queen, as well as Duke Richard.

Panel 2:
The crowd start shouting

Crowd: Kill the traitor
Persephone: Even so I still see sister I loved and care for. If she confesses and repent for her sins I will show mercy on her

Panel 3:
Persephone looks at Eleanor who is pale with fear

Persephone: So sister what will it be. Mercy or …

Panel 4:
Eleanor no longer has the silent spell around her neck
Persephone leans into Eleanor's ear

Eleanor: Sis please, Why you doing this. I love you

Panel 5:
Persephone looks furious

Persephone:’ WHY WHY

Page 6:

Panel 1:
Persephone stops herself from getting carryed away (Hand over mouth)

Persephone: If you don’t confess I will make you suffer after all we our above the Pit. I'm sure those criminal will love to have you

Panel 2:
Eleanor images her in the pit

Panel 3:
Eleanor crying.

Eleanor : Please sis. I don’t want to die

Panel 4:

Persephone : If you confess, I promice you will not be sentenced to death
Eleanor thinking: What do I do. I don’t want to die

Panel 5:
Persephone: 10, 9…

Page 7:
 
Panel 1:
The look of panic washes over Eleanor face

Panel 2:
The crowd are shouting:

Crowd: Kill the traitor, Burn her alive

Eleanor thiniking: I don’t want to die

Persephone: 2,1

Panel 3:

Eleanor whisping:  I did it.
Persephone: Louder Louder so the everyone can hear

Panel 4:
Magic is infont of Eleanor, tears running down Eleanor's face

Eleanor:  I did it. I killed my mother and father,
Please sister show mercy You promised

Panel 5:
Persephone has a sadistic smile while snapping her fingurs

Persephone: Unlike you I keep my promises

Page 8:

Panel 1
A Giant slug is being dragged from the gate

Panel 2:
Eleanor face looks confused

Panel 3:

Persephone: And for your punishment, I will grant you the wonderful life of being a living training dummy. You will be aloud to eat once a week from the sewage waste. I would say this is a fitting end for someone who only takes from the kindom. Now Its time to give back

Panel 4:
Eleanor face is pale

Eleanor but you said I would be shown mercy

Page 9:

Panel 1:
Persephone Laughing

Persephone:  I promised you that you wouldn't be sentence to death

Panel 2:
Persephone Cast a spell  on the slug and Eleanor
Eleanor crys out in pain

Persephone: Soul Exchange
Eleanor: AHHHH

Panel 3:
Persephone pointing to her old body

Persephone: Dump her old body in the pit I have no need for it

Panel 4:
The guards drag her old body away. Persephone casting a spell on Eleanor slug body

Persephone: Life regen
 Persephone: Nealy forgot about this spell, nnd as promise you won’t die

Page 10:

Panel 1:
Persephone rasing both her arms

Persephone: Now lets the Coronation games begin

Panel 2:
The crowd cheer A group of gladiators line up

crowd: Long Live the queen Long live the Hero

Panel 3:

Persephone: First off lets have the contestidents show us their strengh on our new target

Panel 4:
Eleanor Half slug face half normal face. Her nomal face has tears running while nothing shows on the slug face.

Eleanor Thinking: Help me please ,someone please

Page 11:
Panel 1:
Chapter 1 Page 1 panel 1 is shown

Panel 2:
A light racing through space

Page 12:

Panel 1:
Suddenly Eleanor teleported to a room. Eleanor is panicking. She is naked.

Eleanor: AHHHHHHH
Eleanor: Someone save me Please

Panel 2:
Eleanor looks at her hands starts realise that she is no longer a slug and that her cuts have healed

Panel 3:
Eleanor is hugged behind by a priestess (Illyria) The hug is also adding a white rob coving Eleanor

Illyria carming voice: Don't worry your safe

Panel 4:
Eleanor Looks that the priestess (Illyria), Illyria smiles carming at Eleanor

Illyria: The hero can’t hurt you here.


Page 13:

Panel 1:
Illyria is sitting next to Eleanor. Holding both of Eleanor's hands

Illyria: I’m Illyria, What's your name?
Eleanor still catching her breath: El.. I'm Eleanor. Am I dead?

Panel 2:
Illyria waving her hands

Illyria: Oh no-no-no. You are still very much alive

Panel 3:
Eleanor signs a breath of relief

Panel 4:
Illyria looked pleased.

Illyria - The King heard your cries for help. So he saved you. Just like he saved me. Isn’t that nice of him

Panel 5:
Eleanor looks confused

Eleanor: Saved you?

Page 14:

Panel 1:
Illyria nods while standing up holding both of Eleanor's hands again to help her stand.

Illyria: I’m just like you, a victim of a hero. This place is a sanctuary for people like us.
Eleanor: So where i?

Panel 2:
Both girls are walking towards a window Illyria and Eleanor are looking at each other

Illyria: This is a lot to take in but you have been teleported to another world.
Eleanor: Another world?

Panel 3:
Illyria thinking

Illyria: That's not even the hard bit. This world hmm how to put it. It's very different from the one you're used to.
Eleanor: different how?

Panel 4:
Illyria opened the curtain to the window

Illyria: it will be easier for you to see for yourself

Panel 5:
Eleanor's face is in awe with what she seeing
City reflection in her eye

Page 15:

Panel 1:
A huge sci-fi city with towering buildings with tinted glass. Flying cars, Billboards etc

Illyria: The world is far more advanced than what we are used to

Page 16:

Panel 1:
Eleanor's face is in awe. Illyria standing next to her with an arm behind her to support her in case she faints
Illyria: The world is far more advanced than what we are used to

Panel 2:
Illyria looking at Eleanor's face, Eleanor still looking at the city

Illyria: Come let's get you dressed and grab some breakfast

Panel 3:
Eleanor and Illyria are on a balcony. Eleanor leaning on the banister while Illyria sitting down.
Eleanor is wearing a dress. The table has empty bowls of fruit. “ guards are present

Page 17:

Panel 1:
Illyria holding a cup of coffee.

Illyria - I still remember the 1st time I saw this place it truly is amazing is isn't it.

Panel 2:
Eleanor turns her head towards Illyria

Eleanor: Yeah it's breathtaking, What was your world like?

Panel 3:
Illyria holding a cup of coffee still

Illyria: Probably similar to yours. Beautiful then the demon king attacked. Then shortly after we defeated him, A hero in my world became corrupt. He became worst than the demon king that we fought.

Panel 4:
Illyria has fear in her eye and is trembling slightly. The background becomes dark

Illyria: He.. he

Page 18:

Panel 1:
Eleanor holding Illyria's hands

Eleanor: I understand.

Panel 2:
Eleanor smiling at Illyria to reassure her

Panel 3:
Eleanor now sitting next to Illyria

Eleanor: what's the king like?

Panel 4:
Illyria thinking

Illyria: He’s and kind and just ruler…

Panel 5:
Illyria smiling while nudging Eleanor

Illyria: .. and he cute.

Page 19:

Panel 1:
Illyria: has a serious face

Illyria: and best of all he made this world safe haven for us

Panel 2:
Illyria looking a bit upset:
Illyria:  He’s sadly a little busy today so I will show you around if that sounds good to you

Panel 3:

Eleanor: That sounds nice, but are you positive my sister won’t find me here?

Panel 4:
Illyria's hand on her heart

Illyria: I promise she won’t find you. As far as I’m aware not a single hero has ever existed in this world

Panel 5:
Illyria pointing

Illyria: Plus look that them

Page 20:

Panel 1:
Illyria's hand pointing at a guard

Guard: Fear not princess, As long as I have breath no harm will come to you
Illyria: See nothing to fear.

Panel 2:
Illyria stands up while taking Eleanor's hand while walking to the balcony

Illyria: Come I want to show you something

Panel 3:
Illyria and Eleanor at standing at the balcony looking at the city.

Illyria: See that

Page 20:

Panel 1:
Illyria's hand pointing at a stone building in the city, Eleanor looks confused and Illyria signing

Illyria: That's the Imperial Museum
Illyria: it's a building housing all the history of this place. I recommend heading there once you have time

Panel 2:
Illyria's hand pointing at a Tokyo/ Eiffel tower building

Illyria: Over there is the Imperial Tower. It's a great way to see the city. If we have time we can visit if you like?

Panel 3:
Precious panel but with Eleanor's face looking pleased and Illyria's face

Eleanor:  Really, That would be amazing
Illyria: Of cause, we can. If not today tomorrow

Panel 4:
Illyria pointing at a grand cathedral

Illyria:  And lastly over there is the grand cathedral

Page 21:

Panel 1:
Illyria proudly

Illyria: If you ever need me I’ll likely be there, After all, I am the High stainless

Panel 2:
Eleanor looking hopeful

Eleanor: Would it be ok to visit?

Panel 3:
Illyria's face lights up

Illyria: Of cause. We can go at once if you like.

Panel 4:
Illyria proudly

Illyria: I had a feeling you would be a follower of god

Page 22:

Panel 1:
Eleanor: Yeah if we can. I’ll like to pray to the gods

Panel 2:
Illyria's smile leaves her face

Illyria: Their only one god here

Panel 3:
Illyria looks serious

Illyria: The creator, the god of everything, Life, death, Heaven, Hell

Panel 4:
Eleanor looks like she pleading with Illyria

Eleanor:  But..

Panel 5:
Illyria puts her finger on Eleanor's lips cuting Eleanor's speech

Page 23:

Panel 1:
Illyria is still serious but understanding

Illyria: Look, I understand how you feel, But in this world worshipping gods is a sign of heresy.

Panel 2:
Illyria has a strict face

Illyria: Be grateful that these guards are understanding, Anyone else overhearing you mention gods will burn you alive.

Panel 3:
Eleanor looks sad

Eleanor: I'm sorry I just want to pray to my mother and father and let them know that I'm ok.

Panel 4:
Illyria hugging Eleanor but still looking at her face

Illyria: I understand, I have a private room, that I use to pray to the gods of my world. You can use that

Panel 4:
Eleanor looks relived
Eleanor: that would be great thank you

Page 24:

Panel 1:
Illyria no longer hugging Eleanor. Illyria looks happy

Illyria: Perfect then let's get ready and head out

Panel 2:
Eleanor looks worried

Eleanor: I don’t know if I'm ready to leave, what if something happens

Panel 3:
Illyria looks disappointed at Eleanor

Illyria: Trust me bad nothing will happen, we will be going to the 2nd safest place in the empire

Panel 4:
Illyria points to the guards

Illyria: Plus we will have these guys with us the whole time

Panel 5:
Illyria holding Eleanor's hand as if she is begging

 Illyria: And you did want to pray, after all, I’ll even pray with you if you like

Page 25:

Panel 1:
Eleanor still looks a bit worried

Eleanor: Ok but only for a bit ok

Panel 2::
Illyria is happy

Illyria: Perfect, then let's go

Panel 3:
Illyria looks at the guards

Guard: The security detail will be ready in 20 mins princess.

Panel 4:
Illyria smiling at Eleanor while taking Eleanor's hand. As they are walking back into the palace

Illyria: Wonderful, I can see us being best of friend


Page 26:

Panel 1:
A phone starts ringing.

Panel 2:
An old priest picks up the phone. A voice comes from the phone.

Phone: Everything is set for the saint priestess. This will be your only chance. Best of luck.

Panel 3:
The phone goes dead. Old priest puts the phone down

Panel 4:
The priest starts smiling

Page 27:

Panel 1:
The priest has his arms out in an embrace stance front of him are several other priests and priestess

Priest: Brothers, Sisters, The time has come for us to send this heretic back to her hell and retake are positions that she stole.

Panel 2:

Priest: In the name of the creator. We cleanse the church of her corruption.

Priest and priestess: Latom

Thank you for taking a look and providing feedback.
« Last Edit: June 24, 2022, 11:28:40 AM by fear0knight »

Offline Coryn

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Re: Looking for feedback
« Reply #1 on: June 23, 2022, 12:46:14 PM »
Alright man, you asked and you shall receive. I'm just going to comment as I go along, so hopefully it all tracks on your end.


1. Your summary gives both a fantasy and sci fi setting, but you don't establish what setting were in when we start with the bedroom. The dream seems fantasy, but the bedroom has a lot of modern conveniences. Obviously if this was an actual manga it would be obvious, but as text you still need notes about this kind of thing so the artist knows what to draw.

2. These two are not in love, calling it right now. Camilla thinks her breath doesn't stink at 3am? Kissing aint going to hurt you none hon. Especially on the forehead. What has happened to debtal hygiene in tbr future?! If this guy aint at least hitting some mouthwash before dressing he's a maniac.

3. Ah, power armor. Now we can begin to see the setting.

4. As a general note, you need to do a proof read for grammar and spelling. Lots of little mistakes that will be easy to iron out.

5. More detail on hooded figure please. Seems too important to be nondistinct.

6. I can't help but feel this demon king should have a name? Demon King feels like it is a proper title leading up to something.


*Pausing this review for now. Will return to it later.*

Will review stories upon request. My latest arc: http://goo.gl/KYgsfF

Offline fear0knight

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Re: Looking for feedback
« Reply #2 on: June 24, 2022, 11:27:46 AM »
Hey,

Thanks for taking your time with providing feedback for me.

With the Spelling and grammar note, I do suffer from dyslexia. So there will be spelling and garammer. I will add that to my 1st message as well.

Offline Coryn

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Re: Looking for feedback
« Reply #3 on: June 24, 2022, 02:13:49 PM »
Just remember to run spell check and it should pick up most of the little things I caught.

Will review stories upon request. My latest arc: http://goo.gl/KYgsfF

Offline Suuper-san

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Re: Looking for feedback
« Reply #4 on: June 24, 2022, 04:05:29 PM »
I'm not much of a reader or a writer but I'll give my best thoughts on it.
As a manga artist myself, script format is super useful because the pages are already planned out with the panels, so drawing is a lot easier.

"A world where other girls were saved from the torment of the very heroes that saved their world."
This implies this happens a huge amount? seems a bit strange, unless we're talking multiverse levels of worlds. Most Heros dont betray their kingdoms for starters. also, only girls? seems sexist lol

"Eleanor's face crying out in pain while several images are around her face." "E.g. Getting hit by a mace."
Although this is a "draft script", still a good idea to be specific where possible, i.e. how many shots/angles?

"AHHHH , Someone save me. Help me"
maybe add exclamation marks? "AHHHH!!!! , Someone save me! Help me!", adds emotion and emphasis.
and the same throughout the scripts I dont see much use of commas, hyphens, ellipses etc, which can help dialogue to flow smoother.

"That is my queue to go"
"cue", not "queue"

"my eldest daughter Eleanor is here celebrating her 18th birthday"
"Noble 3: It's a real shame that she is missing her birthday"
I thought it was the birthday of the hero daughter? - they share a birthday? - are they twins?
also, Persephone is younger? and she's out killing demon kings? seems strange if you ask me. Also from another viewpoint, strange that an important princess would be in the frontlines, unless she has an OP magical power that is useful.

"So which young nobleman would like to take my daughters hand for the first dance of the night?"
Just a side point, but in a society structure with kings and nobles etc, seems like she would already have an arranged marriage or a suitor or something already, by 18yo? just a random thought.

Chapter 1 thoughts:
The king is a bit of a douche expecting his daughter back from conquesting to attend this party? Didn't really understand the character relationships there and why the king treated her so badly, so I sort of felt on the side of Persephone to be honest, and she's meant be the villain.

"Eleanor is dressed in a prison rag and is tied up in a dungeon"
she survived being stabbed in the stomach?
also why didn't Persephone just kill her outright like she did the king and queen? seems pointless dragging out keeping Eleanor alive?

Chapter 2 page 1
I think a few shots with an EST of the dungeon, and then the unconscious face of eleanor as she then wakes up would make a nice touch to the scene. Perhaps she wakes up as the guards enter.

"being a living training dummy."
you mean...the slug?

also why are the crowds so hyped? up to this point they must have known what Eleanor was like? seems like there would be discord between the crowd, some would defend her or not believe it?

Overall not really getting a clear motive for Persephone - she honestly seems like she's either become unhinged or she really believes that Eleanor is the traitor. Since it seems like she previously had a really loving relationship with ehr sister, was it all a lie or she's starting to hate her sister over time?

" teleported to another world."
unusual words choice of "teleported" given the typical use of teleport. Perhaps transported/transferred?

"The world is far more advanced than what we are used to"
so all the people who are saved from treacherous heroes are from medieval settings? seems like a chance to throw in quite a few different and unusual settings that the saved characters come from.

"empty bowls of fruit."
you mean empty fruit bowls?

"  He’s sadly a little busy today so I will show you around if that sounds good to you"
maybe "very busy" sounds more appropriate.

"If we have time we can visit if you like?"
she's just been teleported in right? she's has nothing but free time! Maybe "we can go when you are settled down a little more" or something.

"It's a great way to see the city."
That being said the building they are currently on seems to have a pretty decent view anyway.

"Anyone else overhearing you mention gods will burn you alive."
wow this world sucks? just even a mention of it, let alone doing it? maybe this needs toning back otherwise I can't say I'd feel safe hearing that about my new world. also it's meant to be a sci-fi city? and they still burn people alive?
also, isn't this a world for saving people from essentially lots of different cultures? surprising that they have such a low tolerance for other people's beliefs.

Illyria is also a saved person from another world? how come she's so important in this one?

"Latom"
Isn't this just straight from Fire Force? not that you cant use it but people will always instantly think of where it was popularized. Maybe make up your own word, or just use "Amen", or "hear! hear!" which is less culturally specific/more generic.

Chapter 2 thoughts:
I felt that the exposition was great, you explained a lot about the new world, and covered the emotions of the characters white well. But I feel that the story lacks any new direction at the end of chapter 2. There is a mention of an evil cult out to get the saint priestess, but I don't particularly feel invested in her, I want to follow Eleanor's story, but she has no direction at the moment. I.e. what will she be doing with her life from now.



Overall a great start, but a little but of refining needed to make the plot pop more I think.
As Coryn noted, spelling here and there is a bit iffy. Google Docs can also check grammar for you which is really useful, so I recommend that.

Looking forward to reading more.

A reincarnation from medievela to sci-fi hasn't been explored too much (I had one pending to write myself!), so you have a fair amount of freedom to write your world without running into other people's tropes and ideas.
« Last Edit: June 25, 2022, 10:10:12 AM by Suuper-san »
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Offline fear0knight

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Re: Looking for feedback
« Reply #5 on: June 25, 2022, 01:08:12 PM »
Hey,

Thank you for your feedback it was very helpful.

I have edited chapters 1 and 2.



Chapter 1 script draft 2

Spoiler
Page 1:
In a large colosseum

Takes up a full-page
Eleanor's face crying out in pain while several images are around her face.
These images are her perspective of her being attacked. E.g. Getting hit by a mace.
Mage casting fireball, getting stabbed by a great sword.

Eleanor: AHHHH!!!! Someone save me. Help me!!!!!

Page 2:
large bedroom with en-suite bathroom. Early morning (3.30 am) Arthur and Camilla are sleeping

Panel 1:
Arthur suddenly wakes up from his sleep. He’s drenched in sweat from the dream he just had.

Arthur: Gasp (heavy breathing)

Panel 2:
Arthur rushes out of bed covering his mouth

Panel 3:
Arthur enters the en-suite bathroom.

Panel 4:
He’s leaning over a sink throwing up

Arthur: Blech

Panel 5:
Arthur looks into the bathroom mirror. Face wet from the sweat.
Arthur: Gasp (heavy breathing)

Page 3:

Panel 1:
Arthur is back in the bedroom and is getting dressed.
Camilla is looking slightly awake while sitting up

Arthur: Sorry for waking you.
Camilla: Come back to bed.
Arthur:  I’m sorry but I can’t, I’ve got work to do

Panel 2:
Camilla is looking at the clock. While Arthur does up his jacket.

Camilla: What work It's half three in the morning
Arthur: There is something important that needs doing.

Panel 3:
Arthur walks over to Camilla

Arthur: I should be free for dinner if you wish to join me.
Camilla: Fine, Just don’t be late

Panel 4:
Arthur leans into Camilla to kiss her on the forehead

Panel 5:
Camilla: Pushes him away

Page 5:

Panel 1:
Camilla making an EWW face while Arthur stands over the bed

Camilla: EWW your breath sticks. Have a mint or something

Panel 2:
Arthur opens the bedroom door to leave the room

Panel 3:
As Arthur is about to leave the room he turns to Camilla. Who is now fast asleep again

Panel 4:
Suddenly Arthur’s face turns pale as he can hear screaming

Eleanor: AHHHH!!!!!

Page 6:

Panel 1:
Arthur is now in a hallway with 4 rooms on the left side. The Right side has several windows and plant pots. Two guards in power armour are at each end of the hallway. Seeing Arthur the guards stand at attention.
The power armour is black with a shoulder cape on its right arm. A three-barrel gun is attached to the left arm. In the right hand is a halberd. Blue energy is coursing through the weapon.

Arthur Thinking: Her screaming is getting worse.

Panel 2:
Arthur walks through the hallway two of the guards are now following him. Outside of the window, you can see a sci city

Panel 3:
Arthur Yarwing

Arthur thinking: I really need a coffee

Panel 4:
Arthur breaths into his hand

Arthur thinking: And some mints.


Page 7:

Panel 1:
Arthur is now in a small room with no windows and only one door. In the room, there is a table with a chess board. Arthur and a hooded figure are sitting at the table playing chess
Horns are coming out of the hooded figure hood

Panel 2:
Arthur's head in this hands

Arthur: I can still help her cry for help even now
Figure: Check


Panel 3:
The figure looks up at Arthur while Arthur's head is still in his hands.

Figure: I can save her, you just merely just need to ask.

Panel 4:
A knock at the door

Panel 5:
A maid with a trolly enters the room

Page 8:

Panel 1:
The maid is handing over the coffee to Arthur

Maid: Your Coffee and mints your grace
Arthur: That will be all, Thank you

Panel 2:
The maid bows to Arthur as he picks up the coffee

Panel 3:
The maid leaves the room however the hooded figure is not there

Maid thinking: Is the king talking to himself again?

Panel 4:
Arthur sips the coffee

Page 9:

Panel 1:
Flashes to Eleanor screaming as she is being hit with a fireBall

Eleanor: AHHHHHH!!!!!, Someone save me... Please

Panel 2:
Arthur turns to the side to throw up

Arthur: Blech

Panel 3:
Arthur's hand on his heart catching this breath

Arthur: Gasp (heavy breathing)

Page 10:

Panel 1:
Arthur facing the figure

Arthur: Please… Please save her

Panel 2:
The Figure has a creepy smile on his face. Horns can be seen coming out of where his eyes should be. There is a single eye in the middle of his forehead
White wings lead from his back to the wrist of his hands

Figure: Seeing as you asked so nicely

Panel 3:
The figure snaps his fingers

Page 11:

Panel 1:
Bird-eye view of the room - A large throne room full of guests.

Panel 2:
Four girls chatting. Including Eleanor

Noble 1: How is your sister doing? I heard that she defeated the demon king.
Noble 2: I heard that most of the party got killed.

Panel 3:
Eleanor looks a little worried with the news of her sister losing her friends

Eleanor: She's doing well… At least that's what she told me in her letters

Panel 4:
Eleanor looks a bit down as her sister is not here

Eleanor: I was hoping she would arrive back in time for tonight.
Noble 3: It's a real shame that she's missing her birthday

Panel 5:
Eleanor looks hopeful

Eleanor: I'm sure father will arrange something special for her

Page 12

Panel 1:
The king is tapping this glass with a fork to get the guest's attention
Eleanor waving bye to her friends as she heads off

Eleanor That is my cue to go, Chat soon

Panel 2:
Eleanor is standing next to the king and queen. The whole room is watching them

King: I would like to start by thanking everyone for coming here tonight to celebrate. We have had a tough couple of years with the Demon Queen Lilith pillaging our land

Panel 4:

King: But I'm happy to announce that those years are behind us, As the Demon Queen was slain just the other day, by my beloved daughter, the royal hero, Persephone.

Panel 5:
Raising His glass

King: Let's all raise a glass to the fallen, to the hero and to the future.

Page 13:

Panel 1:
The crowd raised their glasses in celebration

Panel 2:

King: Sadly Persephone is still on her way home so can’t make it tonight but…

Panel 3:
Eleanor is blushing. The king's arms are showing her off

King: …My eldest daughter Eleanor is here celebrating her 18th birthday

Panel 4:
The king gesturing to the crowd with his arms

King: So which young nobleman would like to take my daughter's hand for the first dance of the night?

Page 14:

Panel 1:
A young noble steps forward

Panel 2:
The noble bows to Eleanor while offering his hand for a dance.

Noble: May I have the pleasure of having the first dance.

Panel 3:
Eleanor Smiles and takes the guy's hand

Eleanor: You may

Panel 4:
The two of the head to the centre of the hall

Page 15:

Panel 1:
The crowd has crowded around them

Panel 2:
The two of them are dancing

Panel 3:
Eleanor and the noble are smiling while dancing

Page 16:

Panel 1:
Eleanor and the noble are spinning (dancing). Eleanor sees a maid chatting with the king and queen

Panel 2:
The maid with the king and queen leave the room

Panel 3:
Close up on the king and queen's faces. They look annoyed

Panel 4:
Eleanor looks a bit concerned

Eleanor Thinking: I hope nothing wrong

Page 17:

Panel 1:
It's the next morning the king and queen are having breakfast. Eleanor enters the room yawning. The king and queen are chatting about last night.

Queen: I can’t believe the nerve of her…
Eleanor yawning: Morrnning

Panel 2:
The king and queen quickly stop their conversation.

King: Morning dear, did you sleep well last night?
Queen: Morning, Please join us

Panel 3:
Eleanor is curious about what she just overheard. Eleanor walked to the table
Eleanor: I sleep great thanks, what were you two talking about?

Panel 4:
Eleanor is now sitting down. A servant is passing over a fruit bowl to Eleanor

Queen: It’s nothing dear. Here have some fruit
Eleanor: Thank you, mother.

Page 18:

Panel 1:
Persephone enters the room
Persephone looks almost the same as Eleanor (Showing that they are twins) however her hairstyle is different.

Persephone: Good morning

Panel 2:
The king and queen look displeased

Panel 3:
Eleanor looks overwhelmed with happiness
Eleanor: Sis, when did you get back?

Page 19:

Panel 1:
Eleanor hugs Persephone but Persephone is not hugging her back

Persephone: I got back late last night.
Eleanor: I missed you so much

Panel 2:

Persephone now hugging Eleanor her face looks like is hiding her anger

Persephone: I missed you too, Sorry I missed last night.

Panel 3:
Persephone and Eleanor are now looking at each other. Both girls are smiling

Persephone: So what did I miss last night? Did anything happen?


Page 20:

Panel 1:
The king, queen, Persephone and Eleanor are sitting around the table. Empty food plates are in front of each of them. Eleanor has her arms out wide

Eleanor: And you should have seen the cake. It was huge. I saved you a slice as well.

Queen: It's your favourite. Chocolate.

Panel 2:
Persephone hides her anger behind a smile.

Persephone: It sounds like a wonderful evening, It’s shame that I missed it

Panel 3:
The king looks displeased

King: Well it can’t be helped. Just be sure to come to make it to the next one.

Panel 4:
Persephone looks annoyed

Persephone: Sorry father, Next time I will ask the demon queen to rearrange her invasion.

Page 21:
Panel 1:
The king is angry

King: Don’t get lippy with me, young lady. You might be a hero but you're still my daughter. You have a royal duty to attend these events

Panel 2:
The Queen is looking displeased

Queen: You really are an ungrateful child, Why can’t you behave like your sister?

Panel 3:
Persephone slams the table

Persephone: I'm sorry. That I’m not the daughter you wanted.

Page 22:

Panel 1:
Eleanor looks upset

Eleanor: Stop this. Please stop fighting, why can’t we all get along for once.

Panel 2:
The king and queen look stunned by Eleanor's action

King: Yes you're quite right
Queen: Persephone apologise at once to your sister

Panel 3:
Persephone still annoyed

Persephone: Sorry

Panel 4:
The king passing his cup over the table

King: Persephone mind grabbing me some water
Queen: Make that two dear

Page 23:

Panel 1:
Persephone is pissed off

Persephone: We have servants to do that,

Panel 2:
The king with a serious face:

King: I asked you to do it. Or would you prefer a command?

Panel 3:
Persephone is still annoyed but has a fake smile on her face

Persephone sarcastically: Certainly farther,
Persephone: Eleanor what one as well?

Panel 4:
Eleanor smiling and waving her hands no

Eleanor: I'm good, thank you

Page 24:

Panel 1:
Persephone pouring the drink back towards us.
Eleanor facing her mum and dad and they are facing her

Eleanor: Could you two be nice please it’s been too long since we have all been together
Queen: Your right dear
King: I guess I have been a bit hard

Panel 2:
Hand passing a cup to the king

Page 25:
 
Panel 1:
They are all sitting around the table

Eleanor: Oh I know, let's have toast

Panel 2:
Eleanor raising her cup

Eleanor: To all being reunited again at last, and to you sis for saving the world,

Panel 3:
The king and queen are about to drink

Eleanor: Oh and to good health

Panel 4:
Persephone smiling and looking at Eleanor

Persephone: your speech still needs work

Panel 5:
Eleanor smiling back at Persephone

Eleanor: It wasn't that bad was it. What do you think father?

Page 26:

Panel 1:
Eleanor smiling face turning to face the king

Panel 2:

Eleanor's face looks shocked, small blood splatter on her cheek

Panel 3:
Eleanor looks worried, Screaming

Eleanor: mother father!!!!!!

Page 27:

Panel 1:
The king and queen are facing both Eleanor and Persephone The faces are covered in blood.
Blood is coming out of their eyes and mouth

Panel 2:
A small panel showing the cup of water being spilt over

Page 28:

Panel 1:
Eleanor is sitting in a hallway opposite a door. Outside the door are 2 guards.
Eleanor's head is in her hands the moon can be seen in the sky from the window

Panel 2:
Close up on Eleanor sitting down

Eleanor thinking: Why... Why is this happening? Everything was meant to be back to how it was.

Panel 3:
Persephone leaving the room

Panel 4:
Persephone sits next to Eleanor

Panel 5:
Persephone's arm around Eleanor

Persephone: I’ve used healing magic to try and help with the pain. But it's not working against the poison.

Page 29:

Panel 1:
Eleanor looking at Persephone tears running down her face

Eleanor: Why... Why is this happening sis

Panel 2:

Persephone:  The followers of the demon queen are probably behind this

Panel 3:
Eleanor looks worried, Persephone now hugging Eleanor

Panel 4:

Persephone: Don’t worry I will protect you, I won’t let anything happen to you, I promise 

Panel 5:
The magic spell is behind Eleanor's head. Eleanor's head buried into Persephone's shoulder

Persephone: This will help you sleep
Persephone: Sleep
Page 30:

Panel 1:
Eleanor bedroom
Eleanor wakes up in her Bed (springing forward)

Panel 2:
Eleanor’s hand on her head

Eleanor thinking: Aww my head is pounding

Panel 3:
Eleanor leaves her room

Panel 4:
Eleanor standing outside her room. No one is visible

Page 31:

Panel 1:
Eleanor looking worried

Eleanor: Hello,  Anybody here?
Eleanor thinking: where is everyone

Panel 2:
Eleanor remembers Persephone mentioning the Followers of the demon queen(Page 29- Panel 2)

Panel 3:
Eleanor looking really worried

Eleanor thinking: I need to find Sis

Panel 4:
Eleanor running through the hallway

Panel 5:
Eleanor opens a door. Eleanor looking nervous

Eleanor: Sis you in here? Somethings not …..

Page 32:

Panel 1:
Persephone's bedroom (smaller than Eleanor's bedroom) Eleanor standing in the doorway
Looking at Persephone and the noble that Eleanor danced with. The noble has a dagger in his hand.

Eleanor: ….right

Panel 2:
The noble head turns to face Eleanor smiling

Noble: Eleanor … I’m

Panel 3:
Persephone grabs the noble’s hand

Panel 4:
The noble turns to face Persephone with shock on his face


Page 33:
Panel 1:
The noble dagger is in his heart. This hand is still holding the dagger with Persephone's hands holding his. Fast move action around the dagger as Persephone cast magic to help stab the noble.

Persephone Shouting: Swift wind

Panel 2:
Persephone runs to Eleanor. The noble body falling over. Persephone has the dagger in her hand.

Panel 3:
Persephone hugs Eleanor. Eleanor looks in shock

Persephone: Thank the gods you're safe.
Eleanor: Sis … wh…ats (gulp) What's ..going.. on

Page 34:

Panel 1:
Persephone looks Eleanor in the eyes, Eleanor is still looking at the body

Persephone: I need you to listen
Persephone Shouting: Eleanor, Eleanor!!

Panel 2:
Eleanor looking at Persephone, Eleanor is looking pale

Eleanor: Ye... Yes Sis
Persephone: We don’t have much time. I need you to listen closely.

Panel 3:

Persephone: General Judes has staged a coup,

Panel 4:
Persephone looks at the floor

Persephone: Mother and father are dead and we are next.

Panel 5:
Eleanor shakes in disbelief. She looks scared and pale

Eleanor: Dead - No it can’t be.
Eleanor shouting: That can’t be true!

Page 35:

Panel 1:
Persephone looks Eleanor in the eyes again

Persephone: We have to get out of here now.

Panel 2:
Persephone hands the knife over to Eleanor

Panel 3:

Eleanor pushes the knife away
Eleanor:  I... I can’t

Panel 4:
Eleanor looks at the body again

Eleanor: That was the guy I danced with

Panel 5:
Persephone also looks at the body

Persephone: He was going to kill you but he mistook me for you

Page 36:

Panel 1:

Eleanor: But... Why would he want...
Persephone: … are you forgetting that you next in line for the throne

Panel 2:
Heavy Footsteps can be heard rushing towards them in the hallway

Panel 3:
Persephone hands the knife over to Eleanor again

Persephone: Please, take it. It will make me feel better

Panel 4:
Eleanor grabs the knife but is unsure how to hold it

Eleanor: Ok, but what will you use

Page 37:

Panel 1:
As Eleanor takes the knife she cut Persephone's hand

Eleanor: Sis are you hurt

Panel 2:
Persephone Smiles at Eleanor

Persephone: I’m fine, it's just a scratch

Panel 3:
Persephone pick up her sword and the corner of the room

Persephone: Anyway, I’ll be using my good friend here

Panel 4:
The door burst open with several armed knights now in the doorway.

Page 37:

Panel 1:
Eleanor turns to face the knights. She looks terrified while holding her knife in front of her. Persephone is wielding a sword.

Eleanor: Sis help
Persephone Shouting: Swift wind

Panel 2:
Persephone darting towards Eleanor

Panel 3.
Eleanor lying with her back on the floor. Persephone is on top of her. Her sword pierced into Eleanor’s stomach.
Eleanor has tears running in her eyes and is screaming in pain
Eleanor: AHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Page 38:

Panel 1:
Persephone looks glad and relieved

Persephone: Guards help me before she escapes

Panel 2:
Eleanor trying to speak

Eleanor: Sis,  Wh...

Panel 3:
Persephone twist the sword as Eleanor tries to speak
Eleanor screaming in pain

Eleanor: AHHHHH!!!!!

Panel 4:
Persephone and the guard captain look at each other. The captain is kneeling, Persephone has a smile on her face

Captain: Thank the gods we were in time to help my queen

Page 39:

Page 1:
Eleanor coughing up blood with tears in her eyes

Eleanor: Wh..y... Sis…

Page 2:
Persephone and the captain stand up while Persephone takes her sword out of Eleanor.

Page 3:
Persephone casts heal on Eleanor

Persephone: Can’t have you dying on me.
Persephone: Heal

Page 4:
Persephone pointing to the guards

Persephone: Take her to the dungeon. I’ll deal with her soon

Page 5:
The guards drag Eleanor.
Eleanor: W..hy.. Si..s…

Page 40:
Page 1:
Persephone and the captain standing next to each other. The other guards have left

Captain: Most of her supporters have been dealt with. Though a few still remain.
Persephone: Have your best men deal with them.
Captain: They are already on it

Page 2:
Persephone Smiling

Persephone: Perfect, Now I can finally get the reward I deserve


Chapter 2 script darft 2

Spoiler
Page 1:

Panel 1:
Openings with a location image of a dungeon. The dungeon has as rats in and dripping water. Eleanor is dressed in a prison rag outfit. Her hands and feet are tied up. She is hanging from the ceiling by her hands. Her head is lowered as she is sleeping.

Panel 2:
Two guards enter the room

Guard: Wakey Wakey

Panel 3:
Eleanor is being splashed with a bucket of water. The shock of the water hitting her wakes her up

Panel 4:

Guard 2 - it’s time for execution

Panel 5:
Eleanor looking terrified

Eleanor: My execution??

Page 2:

Panel 1:
Guard punching Eleanor in the stomach

Guard: You deaf whore… You are guilty of treason

Panel 2:
Eleanor with tears down her face

Eleanor: No that can’t b…

Panel 3:
The guard punches Eleanor again

Panel 4:
Eleanor hits the floor as the guards untie her

Page 3:

Panel 1:
Eleanor has a pillory around her hands and 2 chains attached to the collar around her neck. Each guard is carrying a chain

Eleanor is in the archway of a huge colosseum.
The colosseum is crowd shouting

Crowd: Traitor, Murder, Kill the traitor,

Page 4:

Panel 1:
Eleanor being dragged to the middle of the colosseum
Stones can be seen being thrown at Eleanor
Eleanor is crying

Panel 2:
Eleanor sees her sister in the middle of the colosseum

Eleanor: Sis pleas…

Panel 3:
A stone hit Eleanor in the eye causing it to bleed
Eleanor screams out in pain AHHHHHH

Eleanor: AHHHHHH!!!!

Panel 4:
Eleanor is forced to kneel in front of Persephone
Persephone raises a hand gesturing for the crowd to be silent

Panel 5:
A magic circle appears in front of Persephone's mouth and around Eleanor's neck

Page 5:

Panel 1:
Eleanor is squirming in pain covering her eye the best she can

Persephone: I Queen Persephone II am shocked by my treasonous sister act, The murder of our father and mother, Your King and Queen, as well as Duke Richard.

Panel 2:
The crowd start shouting

Crowd: Kill the traitor
Persephone: Even so I still see the sister I loved and cared for. If she confesses and repents for her crimes will show her mercy.

Panel 3:
Persephone looks at Eleanor who is pale with fear

Persephone: So sister what will it be. Mercy or …

Panel 4:
Eleanor no longer has the silent spell around her neck and the Loud spell infont of Persephone is also removed
Persephone leans into Eleanor's ear

Eleanor: Sis, please. Why are you doing this? I love you

Panel 5:
Persephone looks furious

Persephone:’ WHY WHY.

Page 6:

Panel 1:
Persephone stops herself from getting carried away

Persephone: If you don’t confess I will make you suffer After all we are above the Pit, I'm sure those criminals will love to have you

Panel 2:
Eleanor images her in the pit with the criminals

Panel 3:
Eleanor crying:

Eleanor: Please sis. I don’t want to die

Panel 4:

Persephone: If you confess I promise you, that you will not be sentenced to death
Eleanor thinking: What do I do. I don’t want to die

Panel 5:
Persephone: 10, 9…

Page 7:
 
Panel 1:
The look of panic washes over Eleanor's face

Panel 2:
The crowd are shouting:

Crowd: Kill the traitor, Burn her, Chop of her head

Eleanor thinking: I don’t want to die

Persephone: 2,1

Panel 3:

Eleanor whispered:  I did it.
Persephone: Louder Louder so everyone can hear

Panel 4:
The loud magic spell  is infont of Eleanor, tears are running down Eleanor's face

Eleanor: I did it. I killed my mother and father,
Please sister show me mercy, you promised

Panel 5:
Persephone has a sadistic smile while snapping her fingers
The Magic spell is no longer there

Persephone - Unlike you, I keep my promises

Page 8:

Panel 1
A giant slug is being dragged from the gate

Panel 2:
Eleanor's face looks confused

Panel 3:

Persephone: And for your punishment, I will grant you the wonderful life of being a living training dummy. You will only be allowed to eat once a week from the sewage waste. I would say this is a fitting end for someone you only take from the kingdom. Now Its time to give back

Panel 4:
Eleanor's face is pale
Eleanor: but you said I would be shown mercy

Page 9:

Panel 1:
Persephone Laughing

Persephone: I Promised you that you won’t be sentenced to death

Panel 2:
Persephone's face next to Eleanor's ear
Persephone has a sadistic smile on her face.

Persephone: How I have longed for this day. I have always hated you. Every day I saw you, I was a reminder that I was less than you just because I was born second

Panel 3:
Eleanor’s face next to Persephone's ear
Tears running down Eleanor’s face

Persephone: I’m going to enjoy watching you suffer

Page 10:

Panel 1:
Persephone Cast a spell on the slug and Eleanor
Eleanor Eleanor cries out in pain

Persephone: Now… Soul Exchange
Eleanor: AHHHH!!!

Panel 2:
Persephone pointing to her old body

Persephone: Dump her old body in the pit I have no need for it

Panel 3:
The guards drag her old body away. Standing back up, Persephone casts another spell, Eleanor, now in her new slug body

Persephone: Life regen
Persephone: Nearly forgot about this spell. as promised, you won’t die

Page 11:

Panel 1:
Persephone raises both arms

Persephone: Now lets the Coronation games begin

Panel 2:
The crowd cheer As group of gladiators line up

crowd: Long Live the queen Long live the Hero

Panel 3:

Persephone: First off let's have the contestants show us their strength on our new target

Panel 4:
Eleanor Half slug face half-human face. Her human face has tears running while nothing shows on the slug's face.

Eleanor Thinking: Help me please, someone, please

Page 11:

Panel 1:
Chapter 1 Page 1 panel 1 is shown

Panel 2:
Behind her is the Figure wielding a scythe. Horns have replaced where eyes would normally be. The figure has an eye in the middle of his forehead, and white wings coming from his back. Time has been stopped at this moment

Panel 3:
The figure swings this scythe at Eleanor

Page 12:

Panel 1:
Suddenly Eleanor teleported to a room. Eleanor is panicking. She is naked.

Eleanor: AHHHHHHH!!!!
Eleanor: Someone save me Please

Panel 2:
Eleanor looks at her hands and starts to realise that she is no longer a slug and that her wounds have healed

Panel 3:
Eleanor is hugged behind by a priestess (Illyria) The hug is also adding a white rob coving Eleanor's body.

Illyria's charming voice: Don't worry your safe

Panel 4:
Eleanor looks at the priestess (Illyria), Illyria smiles calmly at Eleanor

Illyria: You're safe now. The hero can’t hurt you here.


Page 13:

Panel 1:
Illyria is sitting next to Eleanor. Holding both of Eleanor's hands

Illyria: I’m Illyria, What's your name?
Eleanor still catching her breath: El.. I'm Eleanor. Am I dead?

Panel 2:
Illyria is waving her hands

Illyria: Oh no no no. You are still very much alive

Panel 3:
Eleanor signs a breath of relief

Panel 4:
Illyria is looking pleased.

Illyria - The King heard your cries to help. So he saved you. Just like he saved me. Isn’t that nice of him

Panel 5:
Eleanor looks confused

Eleanor: Saved you?

Page 14:

Panel 1:
Illyria nods while standing up holding both of Eleanor's hands again to help her stand.

Illyria: I’m just like you, a victim of a hero. This place is a sanctuary for people like us.
Eleanor: So where am I?

Panel 2:
Both girls are walking towards a window. Illyria and Eleanor are looking at each other

Illyria: This is a lot to take in but you have been teleported to another world.
Eleanor: Another world?

Panel 3:
Illyria thinking

Illyria: That's not even the hard bit. This world hmm… how to put it. It's very different from the one you're used to.
Eleanor: Different how?

Panel 4:
Illyria opens the curtain to the window

Illyria: It will be easier for you to see for yourself

Panel 5:
Eleanor's face is in awe with what she seeing
City reflection can be seen in her eye

Page 15:

Panel 1:
A huge sci-fi city with towering buildings with tinted glass. Flying cars, Billboards etc

Page 16:

Panel 1:
Eleanor's face is in awe. Illyria standing next to her with an arm behind her to support her in case she faints
Illyria: The world is far more advanced than what we are used to

Panel 2:
Illyria looking at Eleanor's face, Eleanor is still looking at the city

Illyria: Come let's get you dressed and grab some breakfast

Panel 3:
Eleanor and Illyria are on a balcony. Eleanor leaning on the bannister looking at the city while Illyria sitting down.
Eleanor is wearing a dress. The table has an empty fruit bowl. Two guards are present in power armour

Page 17:

Panel 1:
Illyria holding a cup of coffee.

Illyria: I still remember the first time I saw this place it truly is amazing isn't it.

Panel 2:
Eleanor turns her head towards Illyria

Eleanor: Yeah it's breathtaking, What was your world like?

Panel 3:
Illyria holding a cup of coffee still

Illyria: Probably similar to yours. It was beautiful then the demon king attacked. Shortly after we defeated him, One of the party members in my world became corrupt. He became worst than the demon king that we fought.

Panel 4:
Illyria has fear in her eye and is trembling slightly. The background becomes dark

Illyria: He.. he

Page 18:

Panel 1:
Eleanor holding Illyria's hands

Eleanor: I understand.

Panel 2:
Eleanor is smiling at Illyria to reassure her

Panel 3:
Eleanor is now sitting next to Illyria

Eleanor: So what's this king like?

Panel 4:
Illyria thinking

Illyria: He’s and kind and just ruler…

Panel 5:
Illyria is smiling while nudging Eleanor's shoulder

Illyria: .. and he’s cute

Page 19:

Panel 1:
Illyria has a serious face

Illyria: But best of all he made this world safe haven for us

Panel 2:
Illyria is looking a bit upset:
Illyria:  He’s sadly busy today, so I will show you around if that sounds good to you?

Panel 3:

Eleanor: That sounds nice thank you, but are you positive my sister won’t find me here?

Panel 4:
Illyria's hand on her heart

Illyria: I promise she won’t find you. As far as I’m aware not a single hero has ever existed in this world

Panel 5:
Illyria pointing

Illyria: Plus look that them

Page 20:

Panel 1:
Illyria's hand pointing at a guard

Guard: Fear not, As long as I have breath no harm will come to you
Illyria: See, nothing to fear

Panel 2:
Illyria stands up while taking Eleanor's hand while walking to the balcony

Illyria: Come I want to show you something

Panel 3:
Illyria and Eleanor at standing on the balcony looking at the city.

Illyria: See that stone building over there.

Page 21:

Panel 1:
1st person view of Illyria's hand pointing at a stone building in the city.

Illyria: That's the Imperial Museum
Illyria: It's also the oldest building in the city

Panel 2:
1st person view of Illyria's hand pointing at a stone building in the city. The faces of Eleanor looks confused and Illyria sighs

Eleanor: Museum???
Illyria: It's a type of building with all the history of this world. It might be worth going there later today or tomorrow to learn about this world.

Panel 3:
Illyria's hand pointing at a Tokyo/ Eiffel tower build

Illyria: Over there is the Imperial Tower. It's a great way to see more of the city. We can add that to the list of places to visit

Panel 4:
Illyria pointing at a grand cathedral

Illyria: And lastly over there is the grand cathedral

Page 22:

Panel 1:
Illyria proudly

Illyria: If you ever need me I’ll likely be there, After all, I am the High saintess of the church

Panel 2:
Eleanor looking hopeful

Eleanor: Would it be ok to visit there as well?

Panel 3:
Illyria's face lights up

Illyria: Of cause. We can go at once if you like.

Panel 4:
Illyria proudly

Illyria: I had a feeling you would be a follower of god

Page 23:

Panel 1:
Eleanor: Yeah if we can. I’ll like to pray to the gods

Panel 2:
Illyria's smile leaves her face

Illyria: Only one god is worshipped in this world

Panel 3:
Illyria looks serious

Illyria: The creator, the god of everything, Life, death, Heaven, Hell

Panel 4:
Eleanor looks like she pleading with Illyria

Eleanor:  But...

Panel 5:
Illyria puts her finger on Eleanor's lips cutting off Eleanor

Page 24:

Panel 1:
Illyria is still serious but understanding

Illyria: Look, I understand how you feel, But in this world worshipping gods is a sign of heresy.

Panel 2:
Illyria has a strict face

Illyria: Be grateful that these guards are understanding, Anyone else overhearing you mention gods would brand you a heretic.

Panel 3:
Eleanor looks sad

Eleanor: I'm sorry, I just want to pray to my mother and father and let them know that I'm ok.

Panel 4:
Illyria hugged Eleanor but still is looking at her face

Illyria: I understand, There are private rooms in the cathedral, that I use to pray to the gods of my world. You can use them

Panel 4:
Eleanor looks relived

Eleanor: that would be great, thank you

Page 25:

Panel 1:
Illyria no longer hugging Eleanor. Illyria looks happy

Illyria: Perfect then let's get ready and head out then

Panel 2:
Eleanor looks worried

Eleanor: I don’t know if I'm ready to leave, what if something happens

Panel 3:
Illyria looks disappointed at Eleanor

Illyria: Trust me bad nothing will happen, we will be going to one of the safest places in the empire

Panel 4:
Illyria points to the guards

Illyria: Plus we will have these guys with us the whole time

Panel 5:
Illyria holding Eleanor's hand as if she is begging

 Illyria: And you did want to pray, after all, I’ll even pray with you if you like?

Page 26:

Panel 1:
Eleanor still looks a bit worried

Eleanor: Ok but only for a bit ok

Panel 2::
Illyria is happy

Illyria: Perfect, then let's go

Panel 3:
Illyria look at the guards

Guard: The security detail can be ready in 35 mins.

Panel 4:
Illyria is smiling at Eleanor while taking Eleanor's hand. As they're walking back into the palace

Illyria: Wonderful, I can see us being best of friend

Page 27:

Panel 1:
A phone starts ringing.

Panel 2:
An old priest picks up the phone. A voice comes from the phone.

Phone: The saint princess will be heading to the church shorty. She will be accompanied by the king's newest girl. Praise the creator

Panel 3:
The phone goes dead. The old priest puts the phone down

Panel 4:
The priest starts smiling sadistically

Page 28:

Panel 1:
The priest has his arms out in an embrace stance front of him are several other priests and priestess

Priest: Brothers, sisters. Our faith is being tested now more than ever. The king has abandoned god in his pursuit of lust. He has brought another heretic to our world.

Panel 2:

Priest: So we must right these wrongs ourselves. In the name of the creator. We must cleanse this world of its corruption before it’s too late.

Panel 3:

Priest: Praise be the creator

Priest and priestess: Praise the creator

« Last Edit: July 10, 2022, 08:24:24 AM by fear0knight »

Offline fear0knight

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Re: Looking for feedback
« Reply #6 on: July 10, 2022, 08:38:04 AM »
Chapter 3 script darft 1


Spoiler
Page 1:

Panel 1:
Eleanor and Illyria are walking down the hallway 2 guards are following them

Panel 2:
Illyria: So we will be taking a car to the church…It’s sort of like a horseless carriage

Panel 3:
Eleanor Worried

Eleanor: Horseless??? It's not going to crash is it

Panel 4:
Illyria: Oh no-no. It's perfectly safe. I use it all the time

Panel 5:
Eleanor has a sigh of relief

Page 2:

Panel 1:
Eleanor looks worried and embarrassed

Panel 2:
Eleanor embarrassed, leans into Illyria’s ear

Eleanor: Hmm, where’s the restroom?

Panel 3:
Illyria turning

Illyria: Ah, then we will need to go this way then.

Panel 4:
Illyria and Eleanor head to into the bathroom. The guards wait outside

Page 3:

Panel 1:
Illyria and Eleanor in the bathroom with several stalls and sinks

Illyria: We have a private bathroom in our rooms but this was the closest one

Panel 2:
Illyria and Eleanor looking at a toilet in a stall

Illyria: This is the toilet
Panel 3:
Illyria waving her hand in front of a scan - Toilet flushing

Illyria: When your finished, wave you're here and it all automatically flush

Panel 4:
Illyria pointing to the sinks

Illyria: Then you can wash your hand over their

Panel 5
Illyria showing how it works

Illyria: Place your hands here.

Page 4:

Panel 1:
Illyria still showing how it works

Illyria: It will add water, Soap and dry your hands see

Panel 2:
Eleanor looks a bit confused

Eleanor: Ok I think I get it

Panel 3:
Looking pleased

Illyria: I’ll be outside if you need me

Panel 4:
Illyria is leaving the room to the hallway

Page 5:

Panel 1:
Illyria leaning against the wall waiting
Camilla is walking down the hallway talking to two noble girls a guard following them

Panel 2:
Illyria and Camilla looked at each other with disapproval

Panel 3:
Camilla stops in front of Illyria
Camilla is looking smug
Camilla: Not with your fanatics I see, did they finally come to their senses??

Panel 4:
Illyria is looking smug

Illyria: Arthur asked me personally to look after the new girl today

Page 6:

Panel 1:
Camilla looks annoyed

Camilla: New girl??

Panel 2:
Illyria looks pleased as he has one over Camilla

Illyria: Oh yes, Arthur has saved another girl. She was also a princess

Panel 3:
Illyria is looking Camilla up and down

Illyria: She’s much younger than you and between you and me...

Panel 4:
Illyria leaning into Camilla with a hand by her mouth

Illyria:...I think she is also a virgin.

Page 7:

Panel 1:
Illyria standing straight again looking pleased

Illyria: So maybe the king won’t need a harlot like yourself anymore

Panel 2:
Camilla looking furious

Camilla: A harlot

Panel 3:

Camilla: I am the first girl he saved

Panel 4:
Camilla reassuring herself

Camilla:  and I’m his favourite, otherwise, why would he make such an effect to ask me out on a date tonight

Panel 5:
Camilla's noble friends trying to get Camilla away from Illyria

Noble girl: Come on Camilla the commoner is not worth it

Page 8:

Panel 1:
Camilla storms off while Illyria is waving goodbye - Camilla's perspective

Camilla thinking: I can’t wait for that whore to be begging for my mercy

Panel 2:
Camilla imaging Illyria begging for her mercy - 1st person

Panel 3:
Illyria is waving goodbye while Camilla storms off - Illyria's perspective

Illyria thinking: I can’t wait to see her face when she loses her little game

Panel 4:
Illyria imaging Camilla begging for her mercy - 1st person

Page 9:

Panel 1:
The bathroom door opens

Panel 2:
Eleana is looking wet and embarrassed in the doorway

Eleana: Errrr… I might need a change of clothes

Panel 3:
Illyria looking at Eleana

Illyria: How did you get so wet
Eleana: The tap doesn’t work correctly

Page 10:

Panel 1:
Illyria looks at Eleana in disbelief

Illyria: Really… the tab doesn’t work, Not that you used it wrong
Panel 2:
Eleana is pointing to the sink from the door. The sink spraying water everywhere

Eleana: No I used it how you showed me …see

Panel 3
Illyria is looking confused about how she broke the sink.

Illyria: But how…. How did you break it?

Panel 4
Illyria sighing, Eleana looking at Illyria

Illyria: Well… what is done is done. Let's get you dressed again

Page 11:

Panel 1:
Illyria and Eleana leave a lift Eleana clinging onto Illyria and her legs are shaking Eleana is wearing a different out.
They are in a car park. A limo with several guards around it. It has its door open towards the girls.

Illyria: It’s over now. See solid ground
Eleana: I’m not going in that thing again

Page 12:

Panel 1:
Illyria showing Eleana the car with her spare arm while Eleana is still clinging onto Illyria

Illyria: This is the car we will be taking

Panel 2:
Illyria and Eleana enter the car

Panel 3:
Illyria does Eleana's seat belt

 Illyria: This is just in case their an accident

Panel 4:
Eleana looking worried

Eleana: I thought you said this was safe

Panel 5:

Illyria  Oh it is. but it's just to be on the safe side

Page 13:

Panel 1:
looking nervous about being in the car.

Eleana: How fast will it go?

Panel 2:

Illyria: No idea, but we are already moving and you don’t feel a thing

Panel 3:
Eleana looks relieved. Illyria looking at Eleana

Eleana: What sort of magic does this car use?

Panel 4:
Illyria looking as if she just remembered something

Illyria: Oh I totally forgot to explain magic.

Page 14:
Billboards in the background are for military recruitment.   Billboards updates / carries on per panel
All billboards play are playing the same video

Panel 1:


Illyria: So magic in this world doesn’t exist at all

Panel 2:

Illyria: However if you know magic from your world then you can still channel it in this one

Panel 3:
Illyria looking curious

Illyria: Do you happen to know any magic?

Panel 4:
Eleana shakes her head

Eleana: I was never able to use magic. Can you use it?




Page 15:
Billboard now playing adverts however the bottom has a new panel playing
The bottom headline talks about the noble victim being named as the lastest death by the acid killer
Billboards updates / carries on per panel

Panel 1:
Illyria looking proud

Illyria: Of cause, I can, What kind of priestess would I be if I couldn’t use healing or light magic

Panel 2:
Eleana liking excited

Eleana: Could you show me some light magic, please I always loved watching it

Panel 3:
Illyria looking serious

Illyria: Sorry, but I only use it in emergencies. 

Panel 4:

Illyria: I just can’t risk lowering my mana in case I need to use it

Page 16:

Panel 1:
Eleana is looking disappointed looking out the window

Eleana: Yeah. That makes sense

Panel 2:
Eleana just now realises that she can see the world outside the window
Eleana's face is in awe

Panel 3:

Illyria: Yeah these windows are tinted so we can see out but they can’t see in

Panel 4:
Eleana looking out the window
Illyria turns to the guard with them
The guard with them looks higher ranked than the other guards you have seen - His visor is currency raised

Illyria: I wasn’t expecting you to join us Wilhard. Arthur that worried something might happen to us

Page 17:

Panel 1:
Eleana Turns her head to the guard

Eleana: Were not in danger are we?

Panel 2:
Wilhard looks calm and friendly

Wilhard: Don’t worry, you're not in any danger. If you were I doubt you would even leave the palace

Panel 3:
 
Wilhard: The king asked me to come to make sure you don’t push yourself too much.

Panel 4:

Wilhard: After all, you have only been in our world for a couple of hours

Page 18:

Panel 1:
Eleana looking calm again

Eleana: Yeah that makes sense

Panel 2:
Eleana looking back out of the window

Illyria whispered to Wilhard

Wilhard: Some followers of the cardinal are currently at the cathedral. Though it's not uncommon for them to be at the church

Panel 3:

Wilhard: Arthur and I agreed it would be best for me to accompany you both to be on the safe side.

Panel 4:
Illyria Smiling

Illyria: Arthur??? When did you become so casual calling him by his name?


Page 19:

Panel 1:
Wilhard confused

Wilhard: I always call Arthur when it's not formal

Panel 2:

Illyria: I know, I’m just pulling your leg

Panel 3:
Wilhard hand on his ear

Wilhard: Understand. We have arrived

Panel 4:
The car is pulling up to the front of the cathedral
Police are outside the cathedral along with civilians
Priests and Priestess are entering by the left door and leaving by the right door
The middle door is reserved for nobles are high ranking officials
Wilhard is standing by the door as Illyria leaves the car
Four other guards standing around the car


Page 20:

Panel 1:
Eleana is leaving the car.
She is looking around in excitement
Illyria is taking Eleana's hand so she doesn't get lost

Panel 2:
Illyria and Eleana are walking to the great door of the cathedral
Priests and Priestess are bowing their heads to them
civilians are taking photos on their phones and waving
Illyria  is looking and waving at them
Eleana is looking at the building
Two guards are at the rear, two guards are at the front and Wilhard is leading the way

Crowd:
It’s the Saint Priestess.
Princess
Who’s the other girl


Panel 3:
Illyria talking into Eleana

Illyria: Don’t worry this pretty normal around here


Page 21:

Panel 1:
They are all entering the cathedral. Except for 2 guards who are waiting outside
The sides have huge pillars
The floor has gold artwork on it
Priests and Priestess are chatting all around
The centre of the building has a statue of god in an embracing stance
The statue looks nothing like how god really looks


Page 22:

Panel 1:
They are walking through the church
Eleana is looking around
Illyria pointing to the statue

Illyria: That Statue is of the creator

Panel 2
The statue is now behind them
Illyria pointing to the ceiling

Illyria: That painting is showing when the creator came and blessed this world

Panel 3:
They are now all outside a large door. Two looking security priests are standing by it


Page 23:

Panel 1:
The guards open the door to them
Illyria clinging to Eleana's arm

Illyria: She’s with me

Panel 2:
Illyria and Eleana start walking through the door
Wilhard and the other guard attempt to follow

Panel 3:
The security priests' hands are on their holstered batons

security priest 1: Sorry but you don’t have permission to enter

Panel 3:
The guards take up a combat stance

Wilhard: Illyria!!! Tell your dogs to sit

Panel 4:
Illyria looking serious
Eleana looks worried

Illyria: Only true believers are allowed beyond this door


Page 24:

Panel: 1

Illyria: You lot can wait for here. We won’t be long

Panel 2:
Wilhard looking serious

Wilhard: Tell them to stand down or they will be gunned down

Panel 3:

Wilhard: The king ordered me to stay with you both

Panel 4:

Wilhard: So let us pass unless you want your dogs to stain the walls

Page 25:

Panel 1
Illyria waving her hand

Illyria: You only needed to ask nicely Wilhard

Panel 2:

Illyria: You can join us but the other two can wait here how does that sound?

Panel 3:
Wilhard is annoyed as he walks forward

Wilhard: You two wait here

Panel 4:
Illyria is looking pleased

Illyria: See was that so difficult
Wilhard thinking: But you were the one making it difficult

Page 26:

Panel 1:
The three of them are walking down a hallway
Other priests and priestesses are walking as well. They look high-ranking and some of them even look like the security priest

Panel  2:
Illyria using a touch screen computer panel on the wall. Eleana looking at it in confusion

Illyria: let's see which room is free…

Panel  2:

Illyria and Eleana are looking at each other

Illyria: …AH room 19 is currently free

Panel 3:
They start walking through the hallway again

Eleana: what was that thing???

Panel 4:

Illyria: Oh that's called an interface, I can show you how they work later

Page 27

Panel 1:
Eleana looking pleased

Eleana: That would be great thank you

Panel 2:

Wilhard: Try not to overdo it, princes…

Panel 3:
Wilhard hands over his mouth stopping him from saying, princess

Wilhard: *Cough*… How would you like to be addressed?

Panel 4:
Eleana thinking

Eleana: oh I forgot I'm no longer a princess

Page 28:

Panel 1:
Eleana looking pleased

Eleana: Then just call me Eleana

Panel 2:
Eleana waving her hands

Eleana: Wait wait….

Eleana: So when the people said princess earlier they were talking about you???

Panel 3:
Illyria showing off her hand showing off an engagement ring
Illyria is looking pleased and proud.

Illyria: Well of cause they were after all I am engaged to the king


Page 29:

Panel 1:

Eleana: Congratulations… So when is the wedding??

Panel 2:
Illyria is smiling but hiding how annoyed she is

Illyria: Thank you, A date has not yet been set…

Panel 3:
Outside room 19

Illyria: …and here we are

Panel 4:
Illyria is opening the door
Illyria: Me and Wilhard will be waiting outside

Panel 5:
Eleana entered the room

Page 30:

Panel 1:
The room has a table and a cushion to kneel on
On the table, is a candle

Eleana starts kneeling down on the cushion

Panel 2:
Eleana lights the candle

Panel 3:
Eleana praying

Eleana: Oh holy Mother of light and heaven please hear my prayer.
I hope these words can still reach you. Even from this world
I would like you to please let my mother and father know that I’m alive and well


Page 31:

Panel 1:
Tears running down Eleana's eyes Behind her is God with hands about to wrap around Eleana's face.

Eleana: and that I miss them so much

Offline fear0knight

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Re: Looking for feedback
« Reply #7 on: August 07, 2022, 12:44:14 PM »
Done some major changes to chapter 1 as well as editing it layout

Spoiler
Page 1:

Panel 1:
INT - Colosseum Hallway - Late morning
Angle: Front-facing full body shot of Eleanor and the guards

Eleanor has a pillory around her hands and 2 chains attached to the collar around her neck.
She is wearing a torn prison outfit and looks slight bruised. Tears are running down her face
Two guards are escorting her. Another guard is following her. The guards in front of her are holding a chain.

Eleanor *Scared* (Thinking):
Why Sis

Panel 2:
Angle: Back-facing body shot of Eleanor and the guards

Eleanor and the guards are In front of them is the Colosseum gate, A crowd can be seen in the Colosseum stands

Eleanor *Scared* (Thinking):
Why are you doing this to me?

Panel 3:
EXT - Colosseum archway - Late morning
Angle: Back-facing body shot of Eleanor and the guards

Eleanor is looking out to the colosseum arena and its large crowd

Eleanor *Scared* (Thinking):
What did I do to deserve this?
Page 2:

Panel 1:
EXT Colosseum arena - Late morning
Angle: Angled bird eye of the crowd looking down at Eleanor in the archway
SFX: Colosseum is crowd shouting

Eleanor is being led out to the arena ground
In the middle of the arena is Persephone standing and waiting


Crowd (shouting):
Traitor!!
Murderer!!
Kill the traitor!!

Panel 2:
Angle: Front-facing shot of Eleanor

Eleanor being dragged to the middle of the colosseum
Stones can be seen being thrown at Eleanor

Eleanor *Scared and crying*:
Please stop

Panel 3:
Angle: Front-facing shot of Eleanor

Eleanor being dragged to the middle of the colosseum

Eleanor *Scared and crying*:
I don’t do anything wrong
Page 3:

Panel 1:
Angle: Shot of Eleanor facing towards Persephone who is standing in the middle of the colosseum

Eleanor *Scared and crying*:
Sis, please…

Panel 2:
Angle: upper body shot of Eleanor
A stone can be seen heading toward Eleanor’s face

Eleanor *Scared and crying*:
Stop this

Panel 3:
Angle: upper body shot of Eleanor
SFX: Screaming - Eleanor
SFX: Cheering - Crowd


A stone hit Eleanor in the eye causing it to bleed

Eleanor (screaming in pain):
AAARRRGGGHHH!!!

Panel 4:
Angle: upper body shot of Eleanor
SFX: Screaming - Eleanor

Eleanor and the guards are near Persephone
Eleanor is trying to cover her eye the best she can

Eleanor (screaming in pain):
AAARRRGGGHHH!!!
Page 4:

Panel 1:
Angle: side back of Eleanor and the guards

Eleanor is kicked from behind by the guard causing her to fall to her knees.
Persephone is standing in front of her

Panel 2:
Angle: upper body shot of Persephone

Persephone raises a hand gesturing for the crowd to be silent

Panel 3:
Angle: upper body shot of Persephone

Persephone is casting a magic spell
A magic circle appears in front of Persephone's mouth

Panel 4:
Angle: Eleanor's neck

A magic circle appears around Eleanor's neck

Panel 5:
Angle: Full body of Persephone standing infont of Eleanor

Eleanor is squirming in pain covering her eye the best she can
Persephone is talking to the crowd

Persephone:
 I, like many of you, are shocked,
 by my treasonous sister's deed…

Page 5:

Panel 1:
Angle: Full body of Persephone standing infont of Eleanor

Persephone:
The murder of my mother and father

Panel 2:
Angle: Long shot of Persephone gesturing to the crowd

Persephone:
Your King and Queen

Crowd (shouting):
Kill the traitor!!

Panel 3:
Angle: looking up at Persephone

Persephone looks at Eleanor in disgust

Persephone:
Even so, I still see the sister I loved and cared for

Panel 4:
Angle: Behind Persephone's head as she looks down at Eleanor

Eleanor is looking at Persephone terrified with tears in her eyes

Persephone:
If you confess and repent for your crimes I will show you mercy
Page 6:

Panel 1:
Angle: close up on Persephone

Persephone's face is smug

Persephone:
So what will it be, dearest sister?

Panel 2:
Angle: Eleanor's neck

The silent spell around Eleanor's neck shatters

Panel 3:
Angle: Side Angle of Persephone and Eleanor

Persephone standing over Eleanor
The magic circle infont of Persephone has also now gone
Eleanor still coving her eye

Eleanor *Pleading and scared*:
Sis, please. Why are you doing this? I love you

Panel 4:
Angle: close up on Persephone

Persephone *furious* (shouting):
WHY WHY!!

Page 7:

Panel 1:
Angle: close up on Persephone

Persephone stops herself from getting carried away by placing a hand coving her mouth

Panel 2:
Angle: Persephone looking down at Eleanor

Persephone *irritated* :
If you don’t confess I will make you suffer after all we are above the Pit,

Panel 3:
Angle: full body shot of Eleanor

Eleanor images her in the pit with the criminals (Dark background)
 her body is naked and hands are grabbing her all over from the darkness

Persephone:
I'm sure those criminals will love to have you


Page 8:

Panel 1:
Angle: Eleanor looking up at Persephone

Eleanor *Scared and crying*:
Please, sis, Don’t do this. I love you

Panel 2:
Angle: Persephone looking down at Eleanor

Persephone:
If you confess…
I promise that I will not sentence you to death

Panel 3:
Angle: Close-up of Eleanor

Eleanor *Worried* (thinking):
What do I do? I don’t want to die

Panel 4:
Angle: Close-up of Persephone 

Persephone *looks bored waiting*:
10, 9…

Page 9:
 
Panel 1:
Angle: Close-up of Eleanor

The look of panic washes over Eleanor's face

Panel 2:
Angle: Eleanor looking at the crowd

Eleanor is scared

Crowd (Shouting):
Kill the traitor
Burn her alive
Chop off her head

Panel 3:
Angle: Eleanor looking at the crowd

Crowd (Shouting):
Kill Her already
Hang the traitor

Eleanor *Scared* (thinking):
I don’t want to die

Panel 4:
Angle: Close-up of Persephone

Persephone *looks bored waiting*:
2,1

Page 10:

Panel 1:
Angle: Close-up of Eleanor her head is lowed (looking at the ground)

Eleanor *scared, Tears running down her face* (whispering):
 I did it.

Panel 2:
Angle: Persephone looking at Eleanor

Persephone casts a magic spell is infont of Eleanor

Persephone *Pleased*:
Louder, so everyone can hear

Panel 3:
Angle: Eleanor looking at Persephone

The loud magic spell is infont of Eleanor, tears are running down Eleanor's face

Eleanor *scared, Tears running down her face*:
I did it. I killed my mother and father,
Please sis, show me mercy
you promised

Panel 4:
Angle: Close-up of Persephone
SFX: fingers snap

Persephone snapping her fingers
The Magic spell is no longer in front of Eleanor

Persephone *sadistic smile*:
Unlike you, I keep my promises

Page 11:

Panel 1
Angle: Showing a giant slug is being dragged from the gate

Persephone:
And for your punishment,

Panel 2:
Angle: behind the slug facing towards Eleanor and Persephone

Eleanor's face looks confused looking at the slug
The slug is being dragged toward the middle

Persephone:
 I will grant you the wonderful life of being a living training dummy.

Panel 3:
Angle: Eleanor looking at Persephone

Persephone *sadistic smile*:
 I would say this is a fitting end for someone
who is always taking from the kingdom

Page 12:

Panel 1:
Angle: Close-up of Persephone

Persephone *sadistic smile*:
Now Its time to give back

Panel 2:
Angle: Close-up of Eleanor

Eleanor's face is pale with fear

Eleanor *terrified*:
But you said I would be shown mercy?

Panel 3:
Angle: Close-up of Persephone
SFX: Laughing

Persephone *Laughing*:
I promised that I won’t kill you

Panel 4:
Angle: Persephone and Eleanor

Persephone leaning into Eleanor's ear
Persephone has a sadistic smile on her face.
Eleanor looks terrified


Page 13:

Panel 1:
Angle: Side view of Persephone next to Eleanor

Persephone's face next to Eleanor’s ear


Persephone *Angry*:
How I have longed for this day. I have always hated you, Eleanor
Every day I saw you, was a reminder that I was less than you

Panel 2:
Angle: Side view of Eleanor next to Persephone
 
Eleanor’s face next to Persephone's ear
Tears running down Eleanor’s face

Persephone *Angry*: 
Just because I was born second
 I’m going to enjoy watching you suffer

Page 14

Panel 1:
Angle: Persephone looking down towards Eleanor and the slug

Persephone standing up in front of Eleanor
The Slug is now next to Eleanor

Panel 2:
Angle: Persephone looking down towards Eleanor and the slug

Persephone raised her hand up to cast a spell
Persephone cast a spell on the slug and Eleanor

Persephone:
Now… Soul Exchange

Panel 3:
Angle: Eleanor and the slug

A Magical light circle is underneath Eleanor and the slug

Eleanor (screaming in pain):
AAARRRGGGHHH!!!

Panel 4:

Angle: Persephone pointing to Eleanor's old body

Eleanor’s old body is collapsed on the floor

Persephone:
Dump her old body in the pit I have no need for it

Page 15:

Panel 1:
Angle: Persephone looking at Eleanor now in her the slug body

The guards drag her old body away.
Persephone casts another spell

Persephone *looking like she just remember something*:
 Nearly forgot about this spell.
as promised, you won’t die

Panel 2:
Angle: Persephone looking at the crowd

Persephone raises both arms and is talking to the crowd. A magic circle is now in front of Persephone

Persephone:
I Queen Persephone II and the royal hero hereby commence
The coronation games

Panel 3:
Angle: top-down angle
SFX:  Crowd cheering

gladiators are entering the arena from the arena entrances

Crowd (Cheering):
Long Live the Queen
Long live the Hero

Panel 4:
Angle: Persephone looking at the slug and gladiators

The gladiators are surrounding the slug and are facing Persephone

Persephone:
Now gladiators show us your strength

Page 16:

Panel 1:
Angle: close up on Eleanor face

Eleanor Half slug face half-human face. Her human face has tears running while nothing shows on the slug's face.

Eleanor *Scared*:
No please don’t

Panel 2:
Angle: Looking up at the gladiator

A gladiator with a mace Standing over Eleanor body

Eleanor *Scared*:
Please don’t do this

Panel 3:
Angle: Looking up at the gladiator
SFX: Screaming

A gladiator with a mace smashes it into Eleanor's face

Eleanor screaming:
AAARRRGGGHHH!!!

Panel 4:
Angle: lose up on Eleanor
SFX: Screaming

Eleanor's face appears as a half slug and half human
No damage or tears are shown on the slug side
While tears and blood can be seen on the human side

Eleanor screaming:
AAARRRGGGHHH!!!
Someone, please save me!!!!

Page 17:

Panel 1:
INT Arthur bedroom - Early morning 3.30am

Angle: close up on Arthur
SFX:  Arthur Gasping

Arthur suddenly wakes up from his sleep. He’s drenched in sweat

Arthur (heavy breathing):
Gasp

Panel 2:
Angle: close up on Arthur

Arthur rushes out of bed coving his mouth

Panel 3:
INT Arthur en-suite bathroom
Angle: close up on Arthur

Arthur enters the en-suite bathroom

Panel 4:
Angle: close up on Arthur
SFX: Blech - Arthur throwing up

Arthur leaning over a sink throwing up

Arthur:
Blech

Page 18:

Panel 1:
Angle: close up on Arthur
SFX: Gasping - Arthur

Arthur is looking at the bathroom mirror. Face wet from the sweat.

Arthur (heavy breathing):
Gasp

Panel 2:
INT Arthur bedroom
Angle: behind Arthur looking toward Camilla

Arthur is getting dressed
Camilla is sitting up looking slightly awake

Camilla:
Come back to bed.
Arthur:
 Sorry for waking you.
I’m sorry I can’t, I’ve got work to do

Panel 3:
Angle: Behind the clock, Camilla looking at the clock Arthur does up his jacket in the background

Camilla *Confused and half asleep*:
What work? It's half three in the morning
Arthur:
There is something important that needs doing

Panel 4:
Angle: Arthur walks over to Camilla

Arthur:
 I should be free around dinner time if you wish to join me?
Camilla:
Fine, Just don’t be late

Page 19:

Panel 1:
Angle: Close up on Arthur and Camilla

Arthur leans into Camilla to kiss her on the forehead

Panel 2:
Angle: Close up on Arthur and Camilla
SFX: EWW - Camilla

Camilla Pushes Arthur away while making
Arthur stands over the bed

Camilla *EWW face*: 
EWW,
Your breath sticks. Have a mint or something
Arthur *looking down embarrassed *:
Will do

Panel 3:
Angle: Arthur looking at Camilla

Arthur standing by the door looking at Camilla. Who is now fast asleep again

Arthur (Thinking):
At least I don’t keep her up for long

Panel 4:
Angle: Close up on Arthur
SFX: Screaming

Suddenly Arthur's face is pale as he can hear screaming

Eleanor (Screaming):
AAARRRGGGHHH!!!

Page 20:

Panel 1:
INT bedroom hallway
Angle: behind Arthur

Arthur is now in a hallway with 4 rooms on the left side. The Right side has several windows and plant pots. Two guards in power armour are at each end of the hallway. Seeing Arthur the guards stand at attention

Arthur (Thinking):
Her screaming is getting worst.

Panel 2:
Angle: Side angle of Arthur and guards
SFX: Yarwing - Arthur

Arthur walks through the hallway two of the guards are now following him. Outside of the window, a sci city can be seen

Arthur *Yarwing* (thinking):
I really need a coffee

Panel 3:
Angle: Close up on Arthur
SFX:  Sniffing

Arthur breaths into his hand and smells his breath

Arthur (thinking):
And some mints.


Page 21:

Panel 1:
INT Chess Room
Angle: top-down - Showing off the room

Arthur is now a small room with no windows and only one door. In the room, there is a table with a chess board. Arthur and God are sitting at the table playing chess

Arthur's head in this hands

Panel 2:
Angle: Arthur and god

God is playing chess and his focus is on the board

Arthur *head in hands*:
 I can still help her cry for help even now
God:
Check


Panel 3:
Angle: Arthur and god

The figure looks up at Arthur while Arthur's head is still in his hands.

God:
 I can save her, you merely need to ask

Panel 4:
Angle: Close up on the door
SFX: Door knocking

A knock at the door

Panel 5:
Angle: Close up on the door and the maid

A maid with a trolly enters the room

Page 22:

Panel 1:
Angle: close up on the maid and Arthur

The maid is handing over the coffee to Arthur

Maid:
Your Coffee, and mints your grace
Arthur:
That will be all, Thank you

Panel 2:
Angle: close up on the maid and Arthur

The maid bows to Arthur as he picks up the coffee

Panel 3:
Angle: Angle showing the room

The maid leaves the room however God is not there

Panel 4:
Angle: Close up on Arthur
SFX: screaming

Arthur sips the coffee
However, the background is screaming Eleanor by being hit with a fireball

Eleanor (screaming):
AAARRRGGGHHH!!!

Page 23:

Panel 1:
Angle: Close up on Arthur
SFX: Blech - Arthur throwing up

Arthur turns to the side and throws up

Arthur:
 Blech

Panel 2:
Angle: Close up on Arthur
SFX:  Arthur Gasping

Arthur's hand on his heart as he catching this breath

Arthur (heavy breathing):
Gasp

Panel 3:
Angle: Close up on Arthur and God

Arthur looking at  God

Arthur *Pleading*:
Please… Please save her

Panel 4:
Angle: Close up on god

God has a creepy smile on his face. No other features can be seen

God *creepy smile*:
Seeing as you asked so nicely

Page 24:

Panel 1:
EXT Colosseum arena
Angle: Large angle of the Colosseum
SFX: Crowd is cheering

A female barbarian is swinging her large sword at Eleanor in her slug form

Panel 2:
Angle: Shot of Eleanor and god

Behind Eleanor is the god with a floating scythe
Time has been stopped at this moment
The sword swing is stopped in motion

Panel 3:
Angle: Shot of Eleanor and god

God lightly moves a hand causing the scythe to swipe at Eleanor

Page 25:

Panel 1:
INT A small room with a single door and window - around 12 pm
Angle: Close up on Eleanor
SFX: Screaming

Eleanor has been teleported to a room. She is naked in the middle of the room

Eleanor *Panicking* (screaming):
AAARRRGGGHHH!!!
Someone, please save me!!!

Panel 2:
Angle: Close up on Eleanor
Eleanor looks at her hands and starts to realise that she is no longer a slug and that her wounds have healed

Panel 3:
Angle: Close up on Eleanor and Illyria

Eleanor is hugged behind by Illyria The hug is also adding a white rob coving Eleanor's body.

Illyria's *calmly*:
Don't worry your safe

Panel 4:
Angle: Close up on Eleanor and Illyria

Eleanor looks at the priestess (Illyria), Illyria looks at Eleanor

Illyria * smiles calmly*:
You're safe now.
The hero can’t hurt you here.

Page 26:

Panel 1:
Angle: Eleanor and Illyria

Illyria is sitting next to Eleanor. Holding both of Eleanor's hands

Illyria:
I’m Illyria, What's your name?

Eleanor *catching her breath*:
 El.. I'm Eleanor

Panel 2:
Angle: close up on Eleanor

Eleanor *Worried*:
Am I dead?

Panel 3:
Angle: Close up on Eleanor and Illyria

Illyria is waving her hands

Illyria:
Oh no no no. You are still very much alive

Panel 4:
Angle: Close-up of Eleanor

Eleanor signs a breath of relief

Panel 5:
Angle: Eleanor and Illyria

Illyria *pleased*:
The King heard your cries to help. So he saved you.
Just like he saved me. Isn’t that nice of him

Page 27:

Panel 1:
Angle: Close-up of Eleanor

Eleanor *confused*:
Saved you?

Panel 2:
Angle: Eleanor and Illyria

Illyria nods while standing up holding both of Eleanor's hands again to help her stand.

Illyria:
I’m just like you, a victim of a hero 

Panel 3:
Angle: Eleanor and Illyria

Both girls are standing up

Illyria:
This place is a sanctuary for us

Panel 4:
Angle: Eleanor and Illyria

Both girls are walking towards a window.  The blinds on the window are closed

Eleanor *confused*:
A sanctuary?

Panel 5:
Angle: Eleanor and Illyria

Both girls are walking

Illyria:
This is a lot to take in but
you have been teleported to another world

Page 28:

Panel 1:
Angle: Eleanor and Illyria

Eleanor *confused*:
Another world?
Illyria:
That's not even the hard bit.

Panel 2:
Angle: close up on Illyria

Illyria *thinking*:
This world hmm… how to put it

Panel 3:
Angle: close up on Illyria and Eleanor

Illyria:
 It's very different from the one you're used to.

Panel 4:
 Angle: close up on Eleanor

Eleanor:
Different how?

Panel 5:
Angle: behind Eleanor and Illyria

Illyria opens the blind to the window

Illyria:
 It will be easier for you to see for yourself

Page 29:

Panel 1:
Angle: close-up on Eleanor's face

Eleanor's face is in awe with what she seeing
City reflection can be seen in her eye

Panel 2:
Angle: showing the city from the window

A huge sci-fi city with towering buildings with tinted glass. Cars, Billboards. And a monorail train.

Page 30:

Panel 1:
Angle: close up on Illyria and Eleanor

Eleanor's face is in awe. Illyria standing next to her with an arm behind her to support her in case she faints

Illyria:
The world is far more advanced than what we are used to

Panel 2:
Angle: Eleanor and Illyria

Illyria looking at Eleanor's face, Eleanor is still looking at the city

Illyria:
Come, let's get you dressed and get something to eat

Panel 3:
EXT - Place balcony
Angle: large angle of Eleanor and Illyria

Eleanor leaning on the bannister looking at the city while Illyria sitting down holding a cup of coffee.
Eleanor is wearing a dress. The table has an empty fruit bowl. Two guards are present in power armour

Illyria:
I still remember the first time I saw this place it truly is amazing isn't it?

Page 31:

Panel 1:
Angle: close up on Eleanor

Eleanor's head is facing Illyria

Eleanor:
Yeah, it's breathtaking, So what was your world like?

Panel 2:
EXT - fantasy city with a busy market street
Angle: looking down the street

Illyria (Narration):
 Probably similar to yours. It was beautiful

Panel 3:
Angle: looking down the street

The fantasy city is now on fire with people dead on the floor
Demons are seen in the street


Illyria (Narration):
but then the demon king invaded

Page 32:

Panel 1:
EXT - Clifftop
Angle: behind the hero party facing the demon king

Flashback to Illyria and a party fighting a demon king - His weapon is a spear

Illyria (Narration):
Me and the other heroes rallied and defeated him

Panel 2:
Angle: close up on Dante

Dante is tied up and blindfolded. He is standing on the edge of a cliff
Tears are running down his face
A spear is shoved into his heart

Illyria (Narration):
However, our victory was short-lived

Panel 3:
Angle: Looking up from the edge of the cliff

Dante is falling from the cliff the spear still through him
Standing on the cliff edge are the heroes including Illyria
Illyria is praying

Illyria (Narration):
The demon king managed to corrupt one of us

Panel 3:
Angle: close up on Dante

Dante has shadow thrones wrapped around him
A single eye is showing with blood around it the other eye is covered up

Page 33:

Panel 1:
INT - Fantasy church
Angle: Illyria and Dante

Silhouette of Dante standing over Illyria

Illyria (Narration):
He was worst than the demon king

Panel 2:
EXT - Place balcony
Angle: close up on Illyria face

Illyria has fear in her eyes and is trembling slightly. The background is dark

Illyria *scared*:
He.. he

Panel 3:
Angle: close up on Illyria and Eleanor

Eleanor holding Illyria's hands snapping Illyria out of her flashback

Eleanor:
I understand.

Page 34:

Panel 1:
Angle: close up on Illyria and Eleanor

Eleanor is smiling at Illyria to reassure her

Panel 2:
Angle: Illyria and Eleanor

Eleanor is now sitting next to Illyria

Eleanor:
So what's this king like?

Panel 3:
Angle: close up on Illyria

Illyria *thinking* :
He’s a kind and just ruler…

Panel 4:
Angle: close up of Eleanor and Illyria

Illyria is nudging Eleanor's shoulder

Illyria *Smiling*:
... and he’s cute

Page 35:

Panel 1:
Angle: close up on Illyria

Illyria *happy*:
But best of all he made this world a safe haven for us

Panel 2:
Angle: Eleanor and Illyria

Illyria *looks a bit upset*: 
He’s sadly busy today,
so I will show you around if that sounds good to you?

Panel 3:
Angle: close up of Eleanor

Eleanor:
That sounds nice thank you,
but are you positive my sister won’t find me here?

Panel 4:
Angle: close up of Illyria

Illyria's hand on her heart

Illyria:
I promise she won’t find you.
Not a single hero has ever existed in this world

Panel 5:
Angle: Illyria pointing

Illyria:
Plus look that them

Page 36:

Panel 1:
Angle: Illyria pointing at the guard

Guard:
Fear not, As long as I have breath no harm will come to you
Illyria:
See, nothing to fear

Panel 2:
Angle: Eleanor and Illyria

Illyria stands up while taking Eleanor's hand while walking to the balcony

Illyria:
Come I want to show you something

Panel 3:
Angle: behind Eleanor and Illyria on the balcony looking at the city

Illyria:
See that building all the way over their?

Page 37:

Panel 1:
Angle: 1st person view of Illyria's hand pointing at a nuclear powerplant in the water
it’s a bit hard to see

Illyria's head is showing in a bubble

Illyria:
That building powers the entire city


Panel 2:
Angle: 1st person view of Illyria's hand pointing at a stone building in the city

Illyria's head is showing in a bubble


Illyria:
That's the Imperial Museum
It's also the oldest building in the city

Panel 3:
Angle: 1st person view of Illyria's hand pointing at a stone building in the city

Illyria's and Eleanor's head is showing in a bubble


Eleanor *confused* :
Museum???
Illyria *sighs*:
 It's a type of building with all the history of this world.
It’s worth checking out at some point


Page 38:

Panel 1:
Angle: 1st person view of Illyria's hand pointing at a Tokyo/ Eiffel tower build

Illyria's head is showing in a bubble


Illyria:
Over there is the Imperial Tower.
 It's a great way to see more of the city.
We can add that to the list of places to visit

Panel 2:
Angle:  1st person view of Illyria's hand pointing at a cathedral

Illyria's head is showing in a bubble

Illyria:
And lastly over there is the grand cathedral

Panel 3:
Angle:  1st person view of Illyria's hand pointing at a cathedral

Illyria's head is showing in a bubble

Illyria *proudly*:
If you ever need me I’ll likely be there, After all,
I am the High saintess of the church


Page 39:

Panel 1:
Angle: Close up on Eleanor

Eleanor *hopeful*:
Would it be ok to visit there as well?

Panel 2:
Angle: Close up on Illyria

Illyria *Happy*:
Of cause. We can go at once if you like.

Panel 3:
Angle: Close up on Illyria

Illyria *proudly*:
I had a feeling you would be a follower of god

Panel 4:
Angle: Close up on Eleanor

Eleanor *Happy*:
Yeah if we can. I’ll like to pray to the gods

Panel 5:
Angle: Close up on Illyria

Illyria's smile leaves her face

Illyria:
Only one god is worshipped in this world

Page 40:

Panel 1:
Angle: Close up on Illyria

Illyria *serious*:
The creator, the god of everything, Life, death, Heaven, Hell

Panel 2:
Angle: Eleanor and Illyria

Eleanor *pleading*:
 But...

Panel 3:
Angle: Eleanor and Illyria

Illyria puts her finger on Eleanor's lips cutting off Eleanor

Illyria:
Angle: Illyria

Panel 4:
Illyria is still serious but understanding

Illyria *serious but understanding*:
 But in this world worshipping anything but the creator is heresy

Page 41:

Panel 1:
Angle: Illyria

Illyria:
I know this might be hard to accept
but you need to understand why.

Panel 2:
EXT - A ruined modern city
Angle: Street view of a ruined day city a Mushroom cloud can be seen

Illyria (Narration):
Here religion has caused more wars than anything else
One of which nearly destroyed every living thing

Panel 3:
EXT - Place balcony
Angle: Close up on Illyria

Illyria:
So a single religion was created to help stop…
The world from being destroyed

Panel 4:
Angle: Close up on Illyria

Illyria:
Those who worship other gods or actively work against
humanity are branded heretics

So do you understand?

Page 42:

Panel 1:
Angle: Close up on Illyria

Illyria:
So do you understand?

Panel 2:
Angle: Eleanor and Illyria

Eleanor *looking sorry*:
Yes I understand
Illyria:
Good

Panel 3:
Angle: Eleanor, Illyria and a guard

Illyria *strict face*:
Just be grateful that these guards are understanding,
Anyone else won’t be

Panel 4:
Angle: Close up on Eleanor

Eleanor *sad*:
 I'm sorry, I just want to pray to my mother and father
and let them know that I'm ok.

Page 43:

Panel 1:
Angle: Eleanor and Illyria

Illyria hugging Eleanor but is still looking at her face

Illyria *upstanding*:
I understand, There are private rooms in the cathedral.
I use to pray to the gods of my world.
You can use them if you like.

Panel 2:
Angle: close up on Eleanor 

Eleanor *relived*:
that would be great, thank you

Panel 3:
Angle: Eleanor and Illyria

Illyria no longer hugging Eleanor

Illyria *happy*:
Perfect then let's get ready and head out then

Panel 4:
Angle: close up on Eleanor

Eleanor *worried*:
I don’t know if I'm ready to leave through,
what if something happens

Panel 5:
Angle: Eleanor and Illyria

Illyria *disappointed*:
Trust me bad nothing will happen,
we will be going to one of the safest places in the empire

Page 44:

Panel 1:
Angle: Eleanor, Illyria and a guard

Illyria points to the guards

Illyria:
Plus we will have these guys with us the whole time

Panel 2:
Angle: close up on Eleanor and Illyria

Illyria holding Eleanor's hand as if she is begging

 Illyria *begging*:
And you did want to pray, after all
I’ll even pray with you if you like?

Panel 3:
Angle: close up on Eleanor and Illyria

Eleanor *a little worried*:
Ok
but only for a little bit

Panel 4:
Angle: close up on Eleanor and Illyria

Illyria *Happy*:
 Perfect, then let's go

Page 45:

Panel 1:
Angle: Illyria and the guards

Illyria looks at the guards

Guard:
The security detail can be ready in 35 mins.
Illyria:
Wonderful

Panel 2:
Angle: Eleanor and Illyria

Illyria is smiling at Eleanor while taking Eleanor's hand. As they're walking back into the palace

Illyria *happy*:
I can see us being best of friend