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Author Topic: I did some progress - "Zenus Chronicles - Blood Lake Arc"  (Read 569 times)

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Offline JGun8494

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I did some progress - "Zenus Chronicles - Blood Lake Arc"
« on: June 05, 2021, 12:30:56 PM »
I did a start of a story here. If it has any problem please tell me so that I can improve.

Spoiler
"WAKE UP BLAKE!!". Blake woke up from unconsciousness saying "Ain't I dead?? What happened??" and opened his eyes realizing that he is at the center of a large crater at a beautiful grassland and surrounded by a large number of medieval soldiers. "BLAKE, WE HAVE BEEN SURROUNDED." The voice of a girl speaks to him in his mind.

The soldiers cuffed him taking him somewhere across the woods to the capital of the kingdom. He doesn't show any resistance. While taking him the captain and the vice captain of the group discussed-

CAPTAIN: "Looks like the ancient prophecy of the Black Wolf is real. Same time interval, same place, same wolf shaped crater as in the prophecy. What do you think Arlos??"

VICE CAPTAIN - ARLOS: "Yes Captain. Looks like it. But we don't have proof that he was really summoned by the world itself. There is a possibility that somebody would have cast a high level magic and kept an unconscious man wearing weird clothes just for pulling pranks or any big plan."

CAPTAIN: "*Laughing* Anyway he is going to get sacrificed or made a Gladiator in the Arena. Both ways to die serves the king."

ARLOS: "*Sigh* Unimaginable power isn't it?? That's our King. Too much lust on power. But this guy doesn't look strong as the prophecy told."

CAPTAIN: "You see, we are gonna meet the king in person. So, don't spill your words to him like that. If it's impossible then just shut up. You don't have to speak a word."

ARLOS: "YES, CAPT..."

*A sound of strong wind strangely howling inside the woods.*

CAPTAIN: " Shh.. Can you hear that??"

*The sound stopped*

ARLOS: " Must be the wind Captain. Or any wild beast or monster. Might have ran away sir. Nothing to worry about."
------

They didn't notice that some of the trees inside the woods were getting dissipated into small particles in the air.

They reached the capital city. It was huge although the major part of the city is occupied by the poor, the other minor part is for the nobles and the large royal castle made of only white marble and gemstones is at the centre. There wasn't much population in the nobles when compared to the poor.

They went inside the king's throne room. It was a large and spacious place for just a king and some ministers.

The King was sitting on his throne and the ministers were sitting in front of him facing each other.

KING: "So this is the wolf from the prophecy. WELL DONE!! Uh who are you??"

CAPTAIN - MAXIS: "Your Majesty, It is Maxis."

KING: "Yeah Maxis. Did he show any abilities to resist from restraining??"

MAXIS: "No sir, he didn't even resist. His eyes looks like a dead man's eyes. Looks like he suffered from great pain.

KING: *Approaches the restrained Blake, lifts his head* "Put him in the Arena prison. We will have the game tomorrow. *Whispers inside Blake's left ear* Show me my future abilities as much as you can."

KING: *Goes back and sits on the throne* "You may take him."

MAXIS: "Yes, your Majesty."

BLAKE: *Grins and thinks within* "Looks like I don't have to die yet. Things are going to get interesting."





« Last Edit: June 14, 2021, 01:02:25 AM by JGun8494 »

Offline Action Animation

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Re: I did a story start here. - "Zenus Chronicles - Blood Lake Arc"
« Reply #1 on: June 10, 2021, 08:37:53 PM »
Wow! Seriously wow, this is leagues above your last story, in fact i had to double check to make sure this was the same user^^
First of all your story direction is much easier to follow and the spacing/dialouge has improved drasticly ^^
Well done, its abit short to get a full grasp of your story just yet
But what i do see does shows promise^^
Looking forward to your updates
-Action

Offline JGun8494

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Re: I did a story start here. - "Zenus Chronicles - Blood Lake Arc"
« Reply #2 on: June 13, 2021, 02:26:33 AM »
Really, Thanks!! I did continue some part of the story and unlike this I think it has a lot of errors. If any, please give feedback.

Spoiler
It was sunset. Maxis brought Blake to the prison for gladiators inside the arena. Blake saw prisoners training in one big stone prison room. That room had various weapons known and unknown, bunch of dummies and at the center is a large table full of protein foods, milk and beer. The prison looked more like the merge of training ground and a tavern. Some were training, some were drunken and dancing and fighting each other.

BLAKE: "Why are they enjoying even though they are prisoners??"

MAXIS: "So you can talk."

BLAKE: "Of course I can. Anyway, I asked why."

MAXIS: "That's because most of them are gonna die tomorrow in the game. No one knows who is gonna kick the bucket and who won't. That's why they are enjoying today. You're gonna participate in that game too. The king expects so much from you."

BLAKE: "So this is where I am gonna stay today huh??"

MAXIS: "No, you belong to a different room with royal facilities. As I said, the King have expectations in you." *mumbling* "Or should I say that he has expectations on your powers??"

They reached the room he is gonna stay. It was a square room as large as the past room but with dark blue marble walls, 4 large chandeliers at 4 corners, royal bed on one side, weapons and dummies on the other side and at the center is a large dining table with premium foods like lobsters and gooses.

MAXIS: "Well, this is your room to stay for tonight. Unlike me you're lucky to eat those foods. I can only eat that in my dreams." *Maxis's stomach grumbles* "*Sighs* Seeing that makes me hungry. Okay then, I'll be going."

Maxis was leaving the room but Blake stopped him.

BLAKE: "Wait. Why don't you eat the food with me now??"

MAXIS: "But they are meant for you."

BLAKE: "One person can't finish that amount of food. And in exchange answer my questions. You don't have to answer the questions if it is a kingdom secret. Deal??"

MAXIS: "Okay if you say so."

They started eating. Blake was calm and composed seeing Maxis eat the food like a barbarian.

BLAKE: "You'll choke if you eat like that."

MAXIS: "Oh sorry! But I can't control myself over the taste and texture of the food. So, Aren't you asking anything??"

BLAKE: "Mmm.. What prophecy were you people talking about??"

MAXIS: "Oh about the prophecy of the pitch black wolf. About 15 years ago, when sage Alma was a child, she stated the prophecy that today at noon, the world would summon the pitch black wolf. That wolf will have unimaginable powers and will decide the fate of the world and disappear. But before disappearing if somebody kills the wolf, then they will get the wolf's power to change the fate of the world. I know only about this much. You need to ask her if you want more details."

BLAKE: "Tell me who sage Alma is."

MAXIS: "Oh yeah. Sage Alma is a person who can see the future and the princess of this kingdom." *Getting excited* "Her looks are divine *made an irritating face* unlike the greedy king. She doesn't like her father at all."

BLAKE: "Because he is greedy??"

MAXIS: "Because he is greedy. Yeah, you understand things fast."

BLAKE: "So, What type of game is gonna happen tomorrow??"

MAXIS: "Killing game it is. Otherworlders like you call it A BATTLE ROYALE."

BLAKE: "So, those Gladiators enjoying together today are gonna fight each other huh?? It looks cruel."

MAXIS: "IT IS CRUEL. Cruel yet interesting. Only one person will be alive at the end. But I think tomorrow not one of the gladiators out there will go out alive as you participate.

BLAKE: "Well, you'll see what's really gonna happen tomorrow."

MAXIS: "Any other questions??"

BLAKE: "It is enough for now."

Blake and Maxis finished eating and Maxis left telling gratitude to Blake. Blake was lying down in the bed.

BLAKE: "Hey Mai, what is your opinion of us living in this world??

THE VOICE IN HIS HEAD - MAI: "Yeah Blake, living in this world sounds good unlike going to the world whose people betrayed you to attain your tech.

BLAKE: "I think so too. By the way, the king looked exactly like your father with a beard.

MAI: "Yeah I noticed that. By the way, I've been waiting to get an apology from you. So what are you gonna say Blood Lake??"

BLAKE: "Why?? Because I tried to kill myself??"

MAI: "*Irritated* You promised me to give me a life as a human. And yet you decided to commit suicide by yourself."

BLAKE: "That's why you teleported me in some sort of a world with remote technologies??"

MAI: "You owe me an apology 1st."

BLAKE: "Okay okay, I apologize for being so selfish."

MAI: "*Shouting* Stop acting as if you know everything. You don't understand me. I just want us to be together until the end but you just think I am an artificial intelligence created by you and so I could take on any word you say. Admit that you are wrong."

BLAKE: "Yeah, you are right. I really didn't know what to do when the people around me, especially my friends betrayed me. I won't do that again."

MAI: "I apologize for shouting too. I thought I would lose you. Just don't leave me alone."

BLAKE: "I won't. *yawns* I am gonna sleep. Can't wait for tomorrow. G' Night."

Blake slept. After some time, somebody knocked the door waking him up. He opens the door.

BLAKE: "*With a tired face* Oh Maxis what is it this time??"

MAXIS: "Come on out. It is already noon and it's time for the game to start."

MAI: "Blake, I've scanned this world and found out that this world has smaller size than ours."

BLAKE: "Oh so that's why it seemed like I overslept. Let's go Maxis."

MAXIS: "*Whispering* Don't call my name in front of everyone. They will propagate it and I will be in trouble."

BLAKE: "Those things doesn't matter. This is gonna be the last day we meet."

The gladiators were coming out to the center of the arena and Blake came out at the last. The sun and the sky were blue. The arena was large and the spectators were shouting barbaric. The king, ministers had a comfortable place to spectate. They closed the gate where the gladiators came out from. Pike men surrounded the gladiators like a ring and pointed their pike at them. A group of archers and magicians using unidentified weapons were at the top of the enclosed walls.

KING: "Let the games begin."

The pike men started moving towards the center slowly and some gladiators started killing each other, some were running away and the pike men killed them. Those who escaped those pike men became prey to those archers and magicians. The crowds were shouting the names of the infighters to whom they gambled on.

Blake noticed a gladiator with a saber approaching him to slash yet he did nothing. But the moment he swung the saber towards him, everything Blake considered a lethal weapon disappeared like the tree. Both the gladiators and the soldiers except magicians became barehanded. The crowds became silent. Stormy clouds began to appear on top of the arena. The winds were strong enough to tear the kingdom flags in the arena. Red lightning were seen lurking like a snake in the storm. Blake started flying up creating an ominous feeling in the people's minds. At the same time, a large muscular human shaped thing about three times the height of the arena gradually appeared from the base. It looked like it was made of some dark metallic component. It had horns pointing the direction of the head and had no front part of the head except jaws. Instead there existed a throne perfect for Blake to sit.

The instant Blake sat on the throne two massive black wings appeared from the thing all of a sudden. The wings surrounded the arena freaking the people out over there including the king.

KING: "Fear Wielders!!! Throw everything you can onto it. Incapacitate that monster without killing the black wolf. I want his powers."

The magicians threw various spells at the thing and its wings but it didn't work. While Blake's mind was just out of the situation thinking about how they were producing the elements such as fire, lightning and stuff.

BLAKE: "Mmm.. I couldn't analyze a thing on how they make those stuff. Mai, can you analyze that??"

MAI: "I analyzed their bodies. They have one more bladder near hypothalamus which secretes a liquid when a person reminds of their greatest fear."

BLAKE: *Acting* "Woah, ALIENS!!! They are gonna eat us."

MAI: *Continued Acting* "Oh please, don't eat me or Blake. We aren't that tasty."

BLAKE: "Anyway, what can we do about your fath *coughs* the king??"

MAI: "You were about to say my father right?? Anyway, look at him. The KING is panicKING. Show him how you warn BLOODLAKE."

BLAKE: "Okay, here we go."

Blake lifts his hand pointing the king on the opposite side. Suddenly the hand elongates at the speed of a sniper bullet and "BAM!!" grabbing the neck of the king forcefully. The next thing the king saw was the throne of Blake approaching him at the same speed crashing on the floor ending in front of him.

BLAKE: "*Coming close to the king* What you see is not a power but a curse worse than death. I lost my everything after attaining it. I won't let any person have the same fate. Do you understand??"

The king couldn't answer as he became petrified on seeing his abilities.

Princess Alma lives in a large wooden mansion a a few hundred metres near the arena. While these things happen, she and her attendant saw the ominous abomination standing near the arena panicking people over there.

ALMA: "Wilma!! Prepare the Silver Ring forces. We are gonna evacuate the people from there."

THE ATTENDANT - WILMA: "Yes, princess" *Goes away to prepare the princess's personal forces*.

Alma and her forces came to see what's happening over there. They saw the king strangled by someone who's behind all this commotion.

WILMA: *Pointing the spear at Blake* "Stop this ruckus and surrender at once. Don't make me say the other time."

BLAKE: "And who the hell are you??"

Blake saw a group of women soldiers protecting a young lady. As he saw the young lady he fell in confusion. The giant and the storm disappeared. A winged jetpack appeared on him and he flew away escaping the arena. After Blake escaped the arena,

WILMA: "Are you alright King?? We'll kill that monster as soon as possible."

KING: "*Shouting* Don't kill him you imbecile. Alma, it is the black wolf as you said. *Laughing lunatic* I want that power so much."

Alma didn't try to comfort her father even after he went through this disaster. She just saw the people and realized that there were no casualties except the gladiators who killed themselves.

ALMA: "*Thinking* After he created all this disaster, he killed nobody?? What type of a person is he?? *Calls Wilma* Wilma, Prepare a search party. We are finding him as soon as possible."

While Blake landed in an uninhabited grassland.

MAI: "Did you notice??"

BLAKE: "Yeah I did. She looks exactly like you."

MAI: "What do you think of this??"

BLAKE: "I think that you failed in teleportation but successfully done dimensional travel."

MAI: "Which means an another you may exist here right??"

BLAKE: *Excited* "Things are getting more interesting."

Offline JGun8494

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I did the second part - "Zenus Chronicles - Blood Lake Arc"
« Reply #3 on: June 17, 2021, 04:40:17 AM »
Well, this is the second part of the series. The intro and the first part of the series are in the link below.

http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php/topic,20827.0.html

The second part,
Spoiler
It was sunset. Blake became hungry and went back to the city reaching at night. It was a lively market street. But when he came, the civilians glared at him strangely. He realized the soldiers were looking for him. He even saw a bounty notice with a picture of him painted with ink pinned on a notice board.

BLAKE: "Woah!! Look at this. I have 200,000 gold coins bounty on my head and given nobility. It says 'Clues to find: He wears strange clothes. Capture him alive.' Wait, that doesn't even look like a clue. Is an open leather trench coat and Tuxedo shirt and pants looks strange here??"

MAI: "It is a clue, Blake. Look behind you if you want proof."

BLAKE: "*Looks at back* Oh f**kin god!!"

30 to 40 people were there with ropes, lassos, bolas and other weapons to restrain him.

A BOUNTY HUNTER: "Surrender to our organisation without making a scene. Resisting will only bring you pain."

BLAKE: "Woah scary!! *Whispers* A good chance to exercise before eating. *Announces the bounty hunters* Lookin for money huh?? I will give you double the reward ONLY IF YOU CATCH ME."

He ran away from them making a tall, broad and unbreakable wall behind. The hunters had no choice but to go around through the next street.

BLAKE: "*Thinking* They must have gone around. Okay then, let's climb this wall to the rooftops."

Blake climbs to the rooftop and finds out a tall bell tower. He climbs the tower and looks at the city. It was like orange stars in a night sky.

BLAKE: "*Looking at the city from up* Yep, I've decided. Since no one here knows my identity, I am gonna live here and make this world as my sandbox."

MAI: "I've been thinking about the same thing. We will live here together till the end."

Blake noticed the bounty hunters dispersed and searching for him everywhere. So, he beat the bell out loud making the people pay attention. He then taunts the bounty hunters to come up and catch him.

BLAKE: "Hey, I'm over here. You guys are so wimps. More than 30 are chasing me in this place. Yet no one caught me."

Everyone below became so silent including the bounty hunters too.

BLAKE: "I got sick of this. I am so hungry and I will be going now. You can't catch me anymore."

Blake jumped down a place without people around. The clothes he wore changed into a cloth jacket, waist coat and leather pants of medieval times so he could mingle with the people. He came out to the streets and-

BLAKE: "*Asks a stranger* Hey you, Can you show me a place to eat??"

STRANGER: "Yeah, *Points out to a place nearby* That place is a famous tavern. Not just foods but various things are great over there.

Blake then went into the tavern for food. It was lively over there until he came. Everyone became silent and gazed at him as he went inside. He sat near a dining table and a waitress approached him. She looked like an innocent young lady about the age of 20s.

WAITRESS: "What is your order??"

BLAKE: "Impress me. Beautiful!!"

WAITRESS: "*With a shy face* Yes, thank you for ordering."

BLAKE: "*Thinking* Looks like she is the secret for this tavern to be popular. *Asks everyone* Why are you guys gazing at me??"

Three rowdy mercenaries approached him and-

FIRST MERCENARY: "I've never seen this face here before. So, you're new huh??"

BLAKE: "Yeah, this is my first time coming here. Come sit here. Let's have a talk."

SECOND ONE: "You wanna know what to do for eating here??"

BLAKE: "I am so hungry. What should I do??"

FIRST ONE: "You need to pay us money."

BLAKE: "How much??"

The waitress brought out the ordered food but looking at them she hesitated to come over to that table.

BLAKE: "*To the waitress* Aah!! Come keep it here, beauty. No one's gonna do anything to you."

WAITRESS: "*Nervous* Yeah okay!! *Keeps the food at the table and goes back.*"

THIRD ONE: "*Beats the table and shouts* DON'T YOU DARE IGNORE US!!"

BLAKE: "I asked you how much money you wanted."

FIRST ONE: "For now, give me everything you have."

BLAKE: "*With a worried face* Eh!! You guys can't carry it."

SECOND ONE: "You are just one person. We are 3. Of course we can carry everything from you.

BLAKE: "Well, I don't have an end to the amount of my valuables I carry."

THIRD ONE: "*Shouting* DON'T BEAT AROUND THE BUSH AND GIVE US EVERYTHING YOU HAVE. YOU WILL PAY IF YOU MAKE US ANGRY."

Blake glared at the third mercenary which made them silent for some time. He then starts eating the food and-

BLAKE: "*With food in his mouth* So you want unlimited valuables huh??"

FIRST ONE: "Well, you know where our conversation ends up."

SECOND ONE: "Yeah, we want your so called unlimited valuables."

BLAKE: "Well then, I'll give you the gift of Midas."

SECOND ONE: "And what is it??"

BLAKE: "Anything touches you or touched by you will be turned into pure gold no matter what that thing is. How about that??

THIRD ONE: "Great!! Give that gift to us fast."

The clothes and slippers of that mercenaries turned into pure gold. They became astounded but the third mercenary checks it by touching the table where Blake sat. It turned into gold too.

FIRST ONE: "*Excited* Hey b*tch!! Give us every food you have now. Of course we will pay you with our gift.

SECOND ONE: "*Excited* We don't have to do those dirty jobs again. Those are meant for poor."

THIRD ONE: "BOO YEAH!! We are gonna buy the whole kingdom."

BLAKE: "*Mumbles* These guys are real idiots. They are gonna see the real fear of greed."

Waitress brings all the food as they told. While Blake ate his food and observes them on how they react to the consequences.

THIRD ONE: "*To the waitress* One more order. I order you to join my future harem. You're gonna be the 1st person. *Grinning hysterical* I will take a very good care of you."

The environment became so silent. The waitress started trembled in fear about what they are gonna do next.

BLAKE: "*Calls the waitress* Hey angel, come on over here."

WAITRESS: "*Approaches Blake trembling* What is your order sir??"

BLAKE: "*Whispers* Don't be afraid. I told you before that no one is gonna do anything to you. *He created two ice creams and invites her to sit next to him giving one of them* Here this is a popular food from my lands. Just rest here and watch what happens next."

The three took a bite of the foods.

ALL THREE: "*Spits out the food* Yuck!! What the hell is this??"

They realized that the food they took was turned into gold. They took a cloth to cover the hands and ate but doesn't work and their mouth touches while eating.

THIRD ONE: "*Approaches Blake and grabs his clothes* WHAT DID YOU DO??"

Blake's waistcoat too turned into gold.

BLAKE: "Well, you asked for it and I gave it. By the way thanks for giving me this waistcoat."

The triggered mercenary lifted his hands to touch him. But instead half his fingers got burnt into ashes like a burning cigar. He immediately brought back his hand and cried from pain.

THIRD ONE: "*Shouting* IT HURTS!! IT HURTS!!"

Seeing the third mercenary, the other two tried to escape.

BLAKE: "Wait!! Don't you want to undo the curse??"

They had no choice but to wait.

BLAKE: "*To the waitress* Do you want to ban them from coming to this tavern??"

WAITRESS: "Yes, they come and cause ruckus all the time. But I can't as they work for the Sai Axe Organization. If they find out that this is happening, then they won't hesitate to kill us."

BLAKE: "Sai Axe?? Whatever.*Keeps a sticky drone in and out of the tavern* I guarantee that they can't pull a scratch on you."

Blake then focusses on the mercenaries. The fingers of the third mercenary regenerated.

BLAKE: "*To the mercenaries* Don't come here again. I'll be honest. You'll get burnt to crisp if you do. Now disappear before I change my mind."

As they ran away from the tavern,

WAITRESS: "Didn't you lift the curses??"

BLAKE: "First of all, they don't even have that curse. Such curses don't exist at all."

WAITRESS: "Then how??"

BLAKE: "*Looks away and bluffs* I am sort of an alchemist. So, I tricked them. *Confidentially* But don't worry. It's gonna be a real deal for them if they come back. *Escapes from the conversation* Well then, it's time for me to go. See ya later."

Blake comes out of the tavern not knowing what was gonna happen next. Alma and the search party surrounds him.

MAI: "Hey Blake, I am starting to get confused whether this happens all the time or we've been having Deja vu.

BLAKE: "Why do this always happens to us?? *Gets prepared to escape*"

ALMA: "WAIT!! We need your help. We're not here to capture you."

BLAKE: "*Gazes at Alma's desperate face and* Ah!! What a pain!! Can't help it. I'm listening."

If you guys find any error (Both in story or in grammar and story writing skill.) Feel free to reply.

BTW I won't post the continuation of the story as it would be boring to read this than see this in picture or visualization. But I assure you that there will be lots of intense mind blowing contents in the upcoming part.

Offline Coryn

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Re: I did some progress - "Zenus Chronicles - Blood Lake Arc"
« Reply #4 on: July 15, 2021, 12:27:51 PM »
Hey JGun, I'm still working on that review, but in the meantime I merged your two topics. Please limit yourself to one topic per story per board. That will make things much more convenient for others to find and keep track of. Thanks.

Will review stories upon request. My latest arc: http://goo.gl/KYgsfF

Offline JGun8494

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Re: I did some progress - "Zenus Chronicles - Blood Lake Arc"
« Reply #5 on: July 15, 2021, 01:09:16 PM »
Yep!! Will do next time. Thanks for the info!!

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Re: I did some progress - "Zenus Chronicles - Blood Lake Arc"
« Reply #6 on: August 03, 2021, 02:14:26 PM »
Alright JGun, you asked for a review so here it is. I'll start with the short version you originally requested, then get into the details. Remember, I'm not here to call you out, mock you, or otherwise make you feel bad about your work. Everything I say comes from a place of love, and an earnest desire to help you improve. You can take my advice or leave it, it's all up to you.

The short version: 4/10. You have the bones of a good story, but you're lacking a lot in execution. The plot itself has promise, but there are issues with characterization, pacing, descriptive clarity, and dialogue. I know English isn't your first language, so I'm sure a lot of the flaws stem from that. However, I'm going at this as an English speaker, so I can't help but point out that you have room to improve if you want to write in English.


Alright, I hope that didn't come across as too harsh. I'm just being frank. Let's get into the real meat and potatoes of it, and see where you can't improve.

1. Obviously, your English. Now don't get me wrong, I understand the struggle. You wouldn't want to see how good my writing is in Spanish, lol. I also recognize that this is the hardest thing to improve for a writer who isn't a natural English speaker. Heck, I've been speaking it my whole life and I still struggle. But if you want to take things to the next level, you have to work on it. Keep steady progress and effort though, and eventually you will be rewarded! There are a lot of people who have come to MangaRaiders over the years in your position, and their English always improved immensely over time as long as they stuck with it. You will too as long as you keep practicing.

2. Tense. Again, this probably plays a lot into point one, but your use of tense flips constantly between past and present. Now, there is no right or wrong tense to choose, it depends on your preference and what you think is best for the story, but it needs to be consistent. Just in the first paragraph, these are the times you flip-flop:

"WAKE UP BLAKE!!". Blake woke  (PAST) up from unconsciousness saying (PRESENT) "Ain't I dead?? What happened??" and opened (PAST) his eyes realizing (PRESENT) that he is at the center of a large crater at a beautiful grassland and surrounded by a large number of medieval soldiers. "BLAKE, WE HAVE BEEN SURROUNDED." The voice of a girl speaks (PRESENT) to him in his mind.

Remember that with past tense, actions are described as having just happened, while in present tense, actions are described as happening in the same moment they are presented. As a good rule of thumb, past tense verbs tend to end with "d", while present tense verbs tend to end with "s", or take on no extra letters.

For example, for past: "He jumped over the guards as they collided with each other in the alley". And for present: "He jumps over the guards as they collide with each other in the alley".

3. The dialogue does not convey the thought process of the characters very well. Everything is immediate. Most lines of dialogue either just dump exposition (basically all the dialogue between the guards and the king in the first chapter), or seem only useful for advancing the plot without adding characterization. No one seems to be thinking through things, which is where you get a lot of characterization. The conversation between Blake and Maxis is a perfect example. Maxis takes up Blake's offer immediately. If he's really a rule following soldier, he's not going to break protocol the second Blake offers him food. Especially with a very casual line like  "Okay if you say so." Where is the internal conflict here?

Now, I'll grant you that Blake does have some internal monologue, which is good, but it suffers from the same basic issue. He never gets stuck on any one thing. In fact he seems to barely care what is happening to him. It's just a case of "and now the next thing happens". Why doesn't he care a little more about his situation? Why doesn't he want to play these scenarios out with a little more caution? Obviously he is powerful, sure, but without consideration for other people in using those powers, even for a moment, he stops being a character and starts just being a plot device.


4. Which brings me to Blake's powers. They come across, in a word: omnipotent. He immediately breaks out some unparalleled ability, and always seems to have the perfect ability to counter whatever situation he's in. Now, you seem to be hinting at all of it being some sort of illusion he's creating, but even if that's true, it still reads as OP to me. In the multiple scenarios he's been in so far, at no point did any of them feel life threatening, even though you set them up that way. By the time we get to the brigands in the bar, there's no tension left in the conflict.

A good protagonist needs to be limited in their abilities, and those abilities need to be clearly defined. This creates tension, and leaves room for the reader to speculate about how the protagonist is going to escape the situation. But you're lacking this right now. Blake's powers are essentially a deus ex machina on command. At no point do I feel like he's actually in trouble of even being harmed. He's so powerful in fact that I'm practically rooting for the antagonists just to land a hit on him. Nobody wants to read a story about an untouchable god. There's no drama there.

Now don't get me wrong, I come from a place of understanding here. When I was a much younger writer I committed the same fallacy and created such a character as well. Over time though I came to realize that if a reader can't foresee the limits of a character, then they stop caring about them. Even if you know they'll win in the end, you want them to struggle to get that win. Even Goku gets beat up for half the fight.

5. Finally, pacing. You're actually not too bad on this front on the macro scale. The overall beats of the story are happening pretty evenly so far. But it's the minor beats that are speeding by. The beats within the beats if you will.

For example, right at the beginning we're introduced to Blake, and by the end of the first chapter he's escaping a gladiatorial ring because the king has some mysterious purpose for him. That's all fine. Come the end of chapter 2, Blake has gotten into a fight with some dudes in a bar, and was then accosted by a princess looking for his help.

On the surface, those story beats all sound pretty reasonable, but between the two parts you have posted, they each run at drastically different rates. Chapter 2 is fairly sedate, but chapter 1 is running at a mile a minute. The overall is fine, but while chapter 2's pace feels good, chapter 1 feels like it's got too much stuff crammed in.

Breaking chapter 1 down (and I'm including the little prologue bit): We meet Blake, then Blake is escorted to the castle, then Blake meets the king, then Blake is sent to a holding chamber, then he eats dinner with a guard, then he's thrown into the arena and does some magic, then we skip away to the princess, then back to the arena, then back to the princess, then back to Blake to close things out.

Chapter 2 meanwhile: Blake wanders into town, he gets into a confrontation at the bar, there is a chase scene through the city, Blake meets the princess again.

Breaking things down like this, it's easy to see that the two aren't weighted equally. From my position, it feels like a lot of what happens in chapter 1 isn't useful. Blake's meeting with the king lasts a whole, what, 30 second? How does that benefit the reader? Does his dinner with the guard have a purpose considering he immediately disappears? Do we care about the inner squabbles between the soldiers considering we just met these guys and they're already being portrayed as bumbling idiots? Are they supposed to be taken seriously or not?


So, with all of this I hope I'm not throwing you off continuing. These are just honest thoughts I had in reviewing the piece. I think you have potential here, but you're lacking the experience needed to catch on to some of these things yet. And there's no shame in that! We all get better by trying! Lord knows that if I went back to my old stuff I could find just as many ways to tear it apart. But these aren't attacks, they're all valid critiques that I hope will drive you to continue on and make this story the best it can be!

Let me know if you have any questions or follow ups. I'm here to help.

Will review stories upon request. My latest arc: http://goo.gl/KYgsfF

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Re: I did some progress - "Zenus Chronicles - Blood Lake Arc"
« Reply #7 on: August 29, 2021, 09:40:02 AM »
My apologies I did not notice you already posted^^ furthermore I realized I never gave you an in-depth review of your previous bit so go ahead and put them all together in the reply
Hope the review helps, my notes will be placed along during the story^^


Spoiler
WAKE UP BLAKE!!". Blake woke up from unconsciousness saying "Ain't I dead?? What happened??" and opened his eyes realizing that he is at the center of a large crater at a beautiful grassland and surrounded by a large number of medieval soldiers. "BLAKE, WE HAVE BEEN SURROUNDED." The voice of a girl speaks to him in his mind.

The soldiers cuffed him taking him somewhere across the woods to the capital of the kingdom. He doesn't show any resistance. While taking him the captain and the vice captain of the group discussed-

CAPTAIN  : "Looks like the ancient prophecy of the Black Wolf is real. Same time interval, same place, same wolf shaped crater as in the prophecy. What do you think Arlos??"

VICE CAPTAIN - ARLOS  : "Yes Captain. Looks like it. But we don't have proof that he was really summoned by the world itself. There is a possibility that somebody would have cast a high level magic and kept an unconscious man wearing weird clothes just for pulling pranks or any big plan."

+
 Action = curious that they would talk about this prophecy exposition right in front of him or at least within earshot. Especially since this is information they are both aware of

perhaps if the conversation was more of a deniability and acceptability between the two

quick example of what I mean
1 = captain-

2 = it is just a coincidence

1 = but Sir, the size, shape, even the location, is exactly as it was described in the-

2 = not another word about it soldier

this way we kind of get a hint that this was foretold in some way while still remaining a conversation between two people who share the same info

++

CAPTAIN  : ".Laughing. Anyway he is going to get sacrificed or made a Gladiator in the Arena. Both ways to die serves the king."

ARLOS  : ".Sigh. Unimaginable power isn't it?? That's our King. Too much lust on power. But this guy doesn't look strong as the prophecy told."

CAPTAIN  : "You see, we are gonna meet the king in person. So, don't spill your words to him like that. If it's impossible then just shut up. You don't have to speak a word."

+
 Action = if this is a part of a prophecy that is not only well known to the king but as well as the soldiers to be a threat or of some concern

wouldn't they kill him here and now? Since they plan to do it anyway?

After all they are bringing somebody that could potentially be the downfall of their entire way of life
+
ARLOS  : "YES, CAPT..."

.A sound of strong wind strangely howling inside the woods..

CAPTAIN  : " Shh.. Can you hear that??"

.The sound stopped.

ARLOS  : " Must be the wind Captain. Or any wild beast or monster. Might have ran away sir. Nothing to worry about."
------

They didn't notice that some of the trees inside the woods were getting dissipated into small particles in the air.

They reached the capital city. It was huge although the major part of the city is occupied by the poor, the other minor part is for the nobles and the large royal castle made of only white marble and gemstones is at the centre. There wasn't much population in the nobles when compared to the poor.

They went inside the king's throne room. It was a large and spacious place for just a king and some ministers.

The King was sitting on his throne and the ministers were sitting in front of him facing each other.

KING  : "So this is the wolf from the prophecy. WELL DONE!! Uh who are you??"

CAPTAIN - MAXIS  : "Your Majesty, It is Maxis."

KING  : "Yeah Maxis. Did he show any abilities to resist from restraining??"

MAXIS  : "No sir, he didn't even resist. His eyes looks like a dead man's eyes. Looks like he suffered from great pain.

KING  : .Approaches the restrained Blake, lifts his head. "Put him in the Arena prison. We will have the game tomorrow. .Whispers inside Blake's left ear. Show me my future abilities as much as you can."

KING  : .Goes back and sits on the throne. "You may take him."

MAXIS  : "Yes, your Majesty."

BLAKE  : .Grins and thinks within. "Looks like I don't have to die yet. Things are going to get interesting."


It was sunset. Maxis brought Blake to the prison for gladiators inside the arena. Blake saw prisoners training in one big stone prison room. That room had various weapons known and unknown, bunch of dummies and at the center is a large table full of protein foods, milk and beer. The prison looked more like the merge of training ground and a tavern. Some were training, some were drunken and dancing and fighting each other.

BLAKE  : "Why are they enjoying even though they are prisoners??"

MAXIS  : "So you can talk."

BLAKE  : "Of course I can. Anyway, I asked why."

MAXIS  : "That's because most of them are gonna die tomorrow in the game. No one knows who is gonna kick the bucket and who won't. That's why they are enjoying today. You're gonna participate in that game too. The king expects so much from you."

BLAKE  : "So this is where I am gonna stay today huh??"

MAXIS  : "No, you belong to a different room with royal facilities. As I said, the King have expectations in you." .mumbling. "Or should I say that he has expectations on your powers??"

They reached the room he is gonna stay. It was a square room as large as the past room but with dark blue marble walls, 4 large chandeliers at 4 corners, royal bed on one side, weapons and dummies on the other side and at the center is a large dining table with premium foods like lobsters and gooses.

MAXIS  : "Well, this is your room to stay for tonight. Unlike me you're lucky to eat those foods. I can only eat that in my dreams." .Maxis's stomach grumbles. ".Sighs. Seeing that makes me hungry. Okay then, I'll be going."

Maxis was leaving the room but Blake stopped him.

BLAKE  : "Wait. Why don't you eat the food with me now??"

MAXIS  : "But they are meant for you."

BLAKE  : "One person can't finish that amount of food. And in exchange answer my questions. You don't have to answer the questions if it is a kingdom secret. Deal??"
+
 Action = sounds rather strange that he would limit his questions himself

perhaps while they are eating he asked something vital and is told that he can't have that answered. Then he could say he understands and leaves it?

Then again if Mai can scan a planet and even people's biology, shouldn't she be able tell him more information while he was coming here? While he was handcuffed and brought to the kingdom or brought down to the gladiators den?

+
MAXIS  : "Okay if you say so."

They started eating. Blake was calm and composed seeing Maxis eat the food like a barbarian.

BLAKE  : "You'll choke if you eat like that."

MAXIS  : "Oh sorry! But I can't control myself over the taste and texture of the food. So, Aren't you asking anything??"

BLAKE  : "Mmm.. What prophecy were you people talking about??"

MAXIS  : "Oh about the prophecy of the pitch black wolf. About 15 years ago, when sage Alma was a child, she stated the prophecy that today at noon, the world would summon the pitch black wolf. That wolf will have unimaginable powers and will decide the fate of the world and disappear. But before disappearing if somebody kills the wolf, then they will get the wolf's power to change the fate of the world. I know only about this much. You need to ask her if you want more details."
+
 Action = if this king is so power-hungry and believes this prophecy to the point that he organized a small army to capture Blake then wouldn't he have killed him right then and there?

Especially since he was told Blake had not shown his powers but is aware that this ability is enough to change the fate of the world so it must be something very powerful.

Wouldnt it be extremely risky to let Blake awaken powers of this magnitude?

Instead of just killing him and learning the powers are himself?

+
BLAKE  : "Tell me who sage Alma is."

MAXIS  : "Oh yeah. Sage Alma is a person who can see the future and the princess of this kingdom." .Getting excited. "Her looks are divine .made an irritating face. unlike the greedy king. She doesn't like her father at all."

BLAKE  : "Because he is greedy??"

MAXIS  : "Because he is greedy. Yeah, you understand things fast."

BLAKE  : "So, What type of game is gonna happen tomorrow??"

MAXIS  : "Killing game it is. Otherworlders like you call it A BATTLE ROYALE."
+
 Action = so people being someone from another world are a common occurrence here?

Judging by Blake's laid-back demeanor I'm guessing this is not his first rodeo
+
BLAKE  : "So, those Gladiators enjoying together today are gonna fight each other huh?? It looks cruel."

MAXIS  : "IT IS CRUEL. Cruel yet interesting. Only one person will be alive at the end. But I think tomorrow not one of the gladiators out there will go out alive as you participate.

BLAKE  : "Well, you'll see what's really gonna happen tomorrow."

MAXIS  : "Any other questions??"

BLAKE  : "It is enough for now."
+

 Action = I'm surprised Maxie didn't have any questions for Blake, such as why he is taking all this information in such stride
+
Blake and Maxis finished eating and Maxis left telling gratitude to Blake. Blake was lying down in the bed.

BLAKE  : "Hey Mai, what is your opinion of us living in this world??

THE VOICE IN HIS HEAD - MAI  : "Yeah Blake, living in this world sounds good unlike going to the world whose people betrayed you to attain your tech.

BLAKE  : "I think so too. By the way, the king looked exactly like your father with a beard.

MAI  : "Yeah I noticed that. By the way, I've been waiting to get an apology from you. So what are you gonna say Blood Lake??"

BLAKE  : "Why?? Because I tried to kill myself??"

MAI  : ".Irritated. You promised me to give me a life as a human. And yet you decided to commit suicide by yourself."

+
 Action = if Mai has the ability to teleport him then why remain in the prison?
+

BLAKE  : "That's why you teleported me in some sort of a world with remote technologies??"

MAI  : "You owe me an apology 1st."

BLAKE  : "Okay okay, I apologize for being so selfish."

MAI  : ".Shouting. Stop acting as if you know everything. You don't understand me. I just want us to be together until the end but you just think I am an artificial intelligence created by you and so I could take on any word you say. Admit that you are wrong."

BLAKE  : "Yeah, you are right. I really didn't know what to do when the people around me, especially my friends betrayed me. I won't do that again."

MAI  : "I apologize for shouting too. I thought I would lose you. Just don't leave me alone."

BLAKE  : "I won't. .yawns. I am gonna sleep. Can't wait for tomorrow. G' Night."

Blake slept. After some time, somebody knocked the door waking him up. He opens the door.

BLAKE  : ".With a tired face. Oh Maxis what is it this time??"

MAXIS  : "Come on out. It is already noon and it's time for the game to start."

MAI  : "Blake, I've scanned this world and found out that this world has smaller size than ours."

BLAKE  : "Oh so that's why it seemed like I overslept. Let's go Maxis."

MAXIS  : ".Whispering. Don't call my name in front of everyone. They will propagate it and I will be in trouble."
+
 Action = didn't the king also call him by that name?

Also the prophecy says whoever kills him gets the power to change the fate of the world so wouldn't the random gladiator who happens to stab him in the chest,

wouldn't they get the power? So either Blake's power does not appear and a random gladiator now has it
or
Blakes power does activates and he turns the tables on the king
or
Blake's powers activate but somehow a gladiator gets a lucky shot in and now has the power to change the fate of the world, wouldn't he turned his attention for revenge to the authority that kept him holed up in the squalor a.k.a. the king?

Talking for the king's behalf I don't understand his plan or why he thinks this is his best option For gaining power
+
BLAKE  : "Those things doesn't matter. This is gonna be the last day we meet."

The gladiators were coming out to the center of the arena and Blake came out at the last. The sun and the sky were blue. The arena was large and the spectators were shouting barbaric. The king, ministers had a comfortable place to spectate. They closed the gate where the gladiators came out from. Pike men surrounded the gladiators like a ring and pointed their pike at them. A group of archers and magicians using unidentified weapons were at the top of the enclosed walls.

KING  : "Let the games begin."

The pike men started moving towards the center slowly and some gladiators started killing each other, some were running away and the pike men killed them. Those who escaped those pike men became prey to those archers and magicians. The crowds were shouting the names of the infighters to whom they gambled on.

Blake noticed a gladiator with a saber approaching him to slash yet he did nothing. But the moment he swung the saber towards him, everything Blake considered a lethal weapon disappeared like the tree. Both the gladiators and the soldiers except magicians became barehanded. The crowds became silent. Stormy clouds began to appear on top of the arena. The winds were strong enough to tear the kingdom flags in the arena. Red lightning were seen lurking like a snake in the storm. Blake started flying up creating an ominous feeling in the people's minds. At the same time, a large muscular human shaped thing about three times the height of the arena gradually appeared from the base. It looked like it was made of some dark metallic component. It had horns pointing the direction of the head and had no front part of the head except jaws. Instead there existed a throne perfect for Blake to sit.

The instant Blake sat on the throne two massive black wings appeared from the thing all of a sudden. The wings surrounded the arena freaking the people out over there including the king.

KING  : "Fear Wielders!!! Throw everything you can onto it. Incapacitate that monster without killing the black wolf. I want his powers."

The magicians threw various spells at the thing and its wings but it didn't work. While Blake's mind was just out of the situation thinking about how they were producing the elements such as fire, lightning and stuff.

BLAKE  : "Mmm.. I couldn't analyze a thing on how they make those stuff. Mai, can you analyze that??"

MAI  : "I analyzed their bodies. They have one more bladder near hypothalamus which secretes a liquid when a person reminds of their greatest fear."

BLAKE  : .Acting. "Woah, ALIENS!!! They are gonna eat us."

MAI  : .Continued Acting. "Oh please, don't eat me or Blake. We aren't that tasty."

BLAKE  : "Anyway, what can we do about your fath .coughs. the king??"

MAI  : "You were about to say my father right?? Anyway, look at him. The KING is panicKING. Show him how you warn BLOODLAKE."

BLAKE  : "Okay, here we go."

Blake lifts his hand pointing the king on the opposite side. Suddenly the hand elongates at the speed of a sniper bullet and "BAM!!" grabbing the neck of the king forcefully. The next thing the king saw was the throne of Blake approaching him at the same speed crashing on the floor ending in front of him.

BLAKE  : ".Coming close to the king. What you see is not a power but a curse worse than death. I lost my everything after attaining it. I won't let any person have the same fate. Do you understand??"

The king couldn't answer as he became petrified on seeing his abilities.

Princess Alma lives in a large wooden mansion a a few hundred metres near the arena. While these things happen, she and her attendant saw the ominous abomination standing near the arena panicking people over there.

ALMA  : "Wilma!! Prepare the Silver Ring forces. We are gonna evacuate the people from there."

THE ATTENDANT - WILMA  : "Yes, princess" .Goes away to prepare the princess's personal forces..

Alma and her forces came to see what's happening over there. They saw the king strangled by someone who's behind all this commotion.

WILMA  : .Pointing the spear at Blake. "Stop this ruckus and surrender at once. Don't make me say the other time."

BLAKE  : "And who the hell are you??"

Blake saw a group of women soldiers protecting a young lady. As he saw the young lady he fell in confusion. The giant and the storm disappeared. A winged jetpack appeared on him and he flew away escaping the arena. After Blake escaped the arena,

WILMA  : "Are you alright King?? We'll kill that monster as soon as possible."

KING  : ".Shouting. Don't kill him you imbecile. Alma, it is the black wolf as you said. .Laughing lunatic. I want that power so much."
+
 Action = if she could see the future and make a prophecy around Blake was this detail of the king failing not told?

And if she can see the future couldn't he use that to track Blake down?
+
Alma didn't try to comfort her father even after he went through this disaster. She just saw the people and realized that there were no casualties except the gladiators who killed themselves.

ALMA  : ".Thinking. After he created all this disaster, he killed nobody?? What type of a person is he?? .Calls Wilma. Wilma, Prepare a search party. We are finding him as soon as possible."

While Blake landed in an uninhabited grassland.

MAI  : "Did you notice??"

BLAKE  : "Yeah I did. She looks exactly like you."

MAI  : "What do you think of this??"

BLAKE  : "I think that you failed in teleportation but successfully done dimensional travel."

MAI  : "Which means an another you may exist here right??"

BLAKE  : .Excited. "Things are getting more interesting."

+

was sunset. Blake became hungry and went back to the city reaching at night. It was a lively market street. But when he came, the civilians glared at him strangely. He realized the soldiers were looking for him. He even saw a bounty notice with a picture of him painted with ink pinned on a notice board.

BLAKE  : "Woah!! Look at this. I have 200,000 gold coins bounty on my head and given nobility. It says 'Clues to find  : He wears strange clothes. Capture him alive.' Wait, that doesn't even look like a clue. Is an open leather trench coat and Tuxedo shirt and pants looks strange here??"

MAI  : "It is a clue, Blake. Look behind you if you want proof."

BLAKE  : ".Looks at back. Oh f..kin god!!"

30 to 40 people were there with ropes, lassos, bolas and other weapons to restrain him.

A BOUNTY HUNTER  : "Surrender to our organisation without making a scene. Resisting will only bring you pain."

BLAKE  : "Woah scary!! .Whispers. A good chance to exercise before eating. .Announces the bounty hunters. Lookin for money huh?? I will give you double the reward ONLY IF YOU CATCH ME."

He ran away from them making a tall, broad and unbreakable wall behind. The hunters had no choice but to go around through the next street.

BLAKE  : ".Thinking. They must have gone around. Okay then, let's climb this wall to the rooftops."

Blake climbs to the rooftop and finds out a tall bell tower. He climbs the tower and looks at the city. It was like orange stars in a night sky.

BLAKE  : ".Looking at the city from up. Yep, I've decided. Since no one here knows my identity, I am gonna live here and make this world as my sandbox."

MAI  : "I've been thinking about the same thing. We will live here together till the end."

Blake noticed the bounty hunters dispersed and searching for him everywhere. So, he beat the bell out loud making the people pay attention. He then taunts the bounty hunters to come up and catch him.

BLAKE  : "Hey, I'm over here. You guys are so wimps. More than 30 are chasing me in this place. Yet no one caught me."

Everyone below became so silent including the bounty hunters too.

BLAKE  : "I got sick of this. I am so hungry and I will be going now. You can't catch me anymore."

Blake jumped down a place without people around. The clothes he wore changed into a cloth jacket, waist coat and leather pants of medieval times so he could mingle with the people. He came out to the streets and-

BLAKE  : ".Asks a stranger. Hey you, Can you show me a place to eat??"

STRANGER  : "Yeah, .Points out to a place nearby. That place is a famous tavern. Not just foods but various things are great over there.

Blake then went into the tavern for food. It was lively over there until he came. Everyone became silent and gazed at him as he went inside. He sat near a dining table and a waitress approached him. She looked like an innocent young lady about the age of 20s.

WAITRESS  : "What is your order??"

BLAKE  : "Impress me. Beautiful!!"

WAITRESS  : ".With a shy face. Yes, thank you for ordering."

BLAKE  : ".Thinking. Looks like she is the secret for this tavern to be popular. .Asks everyone. Why are you guys gazing at me??"

Three rowdy mercenaries approached him and-

FIRST MERCENARY  : "I've never seen this face here before. So, you're new huh??"

BLAKE  : "Yeah, this is my first time coming here. Come sit here. Let's have a talk."

SECOND ONE  : "You wanna know what to do for eating here??"

BLAKE  : "I am so hungry. What should I do??"

FIRST ONE  : "You need to pay us money."

BLAKE  : "How much??"

The waitress brought out the ordered food but looking at them she hesitated to come over to that table.

BLAKE  : ".To the waitress. Aah!! Come keep it here, beauty. No one's gonna do anything to you."

WAITRESS  : ".Nervous. Yeah okay!! .Keeps the food at the table and goes back.."

THIRD ONE  : ".Beats the table and shouts. DON'T YOU DARE IGNORE US!!"

BLAKE  : "I asked you how much money you wanted."
+

 Action = I am actually enjoying this cheeky sarcasm

+
FIRST ONE  : "For now, give me everything you have."

BLAKE  : ".With a worried face. Eh!! You guys can't carry it."

SECOND ONE  : "You are just one person. We are 3. Of course we can carry everything from you.

BLAKE  : "Well, I don't have an end to the amount of my valuables I carry."

THIRD ONE  : ".Shouting. DON'T BEAT AROUND THE BUSH AND GIVE US EVERYTHING YOU HAVE. YOU WILL PAY IF YOU MAKE US ANGRY."

Blake glared at the third mercenary which made them silent for some time. He then starts eating the food and-

BLAKE  : ".With food in his mouth. So you want unlimited valuables huh??"

FIRST ONE  : "Well, you know where our conversation ends up."

SECOND ONE  : "Yeah, we want your so called unlimited valuables."

BLAKE  : "Well then, I'll give you the gift of Midas."

SECOND ONE  : "And what is it??"

BLAKE  : "Anything touches you or touched by you will be turned into pure gold no matter what that thing is. How about that??

THIRD ONE  : "Great!! Give that gift to us fast."

The clothes and slippers of that mercenaries turned into pure gold. They became astounded but the third mercenary checks it by touching the table where Blake sat. It turned into gold too.

FIRST ONE  : ".Excited. Hey b.tch!! Give us every food you have now. Of course we will pay you with our gift.

SECOND ONE  : ".Excited. We don't have to do those dirty jobs again. Those are meant for poor."

THIRD ONE  : "BOO YEAH!! We are gonna buy the whole kingdom."

BLAKE  : ".Mumbles. These guys are real idiots. They are gonna see the real fear of greed."

Waitress brings all the food as they told. While Blake ate his food and observes them on how they react to the consequences.

THIRD ONE  : ".To the waitress. One more order. I order you to join my future harem. You're gonna be the 1st person. .Grinning hysterical. I will take a very good care of you."

The environment became so silent. The waitress started trembled in fear about what they are gonna do next.

BLAKE  : ".Calls the waitress. Hey angel, come on over here."

WAITRESS  : ".Approaches Blake trembling. What is your order sir??"

BLAKE  : ".Whispers. Don't be afraid. I told you before that no one is gonna do anything to you. .He created two ice creams and invites her to sit next to him giving one of them. Here this is a popular food from my lands. Just rest here and watch what happens next."

+

 Action = if he could spawn food seems rather strange that he went on for so long being hungry
+

The three took a bite of the foods.

ALL THREE  : ".Spits out the food. Yuck!! What the hell is this??"

They realized that the food they took was turned into gold. They took a cloth to cover the hands and ate but doesn't work and their mouth touches while eating.

THIRD ONE  : ".Approaches Blake and grabs his clothes. WHAT DID YOU DO??"

Blake's waistcoat too turned into gold.

BLAKE  : "Well, you asked for it and I gave it. By the way thanks for giving me this waistcoat."

The triggered mercenary lifted his hands to touch him. But instead half his fingers got burnt into ashes like a burning cigar. He immediately brought back his hand and cried from pain.

THIRD ONE  : ".Shouting. IT HURTS!! IT HURTS!!"

Seeing the third mercenary, the other two tried to escape.

BLAKE  : "Wait!! Don't you want to undo the curse??"

They had no choice but to wait.

BLAKE  : ".To the waitress. Do you want to ban them from coming to this tavern??"

WAITRESS  : "Yes, they come and cause ruckus all the time. But I can't as they work for the Sai Axe Organization. If they find out that this is happening, then they won't hesitate to kill us."

BLAKE  : "Sai Axe?? Whatever..Keeps a sticky drone in and out of the tavern. I guarantee that they can't pull a scratch on you."

Blake then focusses on the mercenaries. The fingers of the third mercenary regenerated.

BLAKE  : ".To the mercenaries. Don't come here again. I'll be honest. You'll get burnt to crisp if you do. Now disappear before I change my mind."

As they ran away from the tavern,

WAITRESS  : "Didn't you lift the curses??"

BLAKE  : "First of all, they don't even have that curse. Such curses don't exist at all."

WAITRESS  : "Then how??"

BLAKE  : ".Looks away and bluffs. I am sort of an alchemist. So, I tricked them. .Confidentially. But don't worry. It's gonna be a real deal for them if they come back. .Escapes from the conversation. Well then, it's time for me to go. See ya later."

Blake comes out of the tavern not knowing what was gonna happen next. Alma and the search party surrounds him.

MAI  : "Hey Blake, I am starting to get confused whether this happens all the time or we've been having Deja vu.

BLAKE  : "Why do this always happens to us?? .Gets prepared to escape."

ALMA  : "WAIT!! We need your help. We're not here to capture you."

BLAKE  : ".Gazes at Alma's desperate face and. Ah!! What a pain!! Can't help it. I'm listening."

Final thoughts
I'm actually pretty interested with the ideas you have here, if I have it down correctly judging by the tone and dialogue
the story follows Blake who has the power of a God (due to his technology) and will either be this world's salvation or its last breath as he turns it into how he put it" sandbox"

I do enjoy the idea that there is another godlike being as himself in this world and I look forward to when two unstoppable forces meet

It lets you have the power fantasy when among those considered normal in this world while still being able to have the battle and story escalate when Blake meets his other self

Other than the few marks I left above, I did enjoy the story

The biggest issue I had was Blake's personality being inconsistent with what were told about him being suicidal before

after all from him being captured by soldiers to being captured again by Alma soldiers he is

laid-back and indifferent with Max

energetic and playfully maniacal with the king

cheeky and egotistical with his talks about the world being his sandbox and his time at the tavern really does feel and sound like someone who has these abilities and childishly uses them

so his talk about suicide really does feel off since he shows no sign or even a minuscule amount of anger or resentment about the betrayal of his friends in fact other than us being told he tried to kill himself because of it

 he really doesn't seem to care that it happened at all

so unless it's extremely vital that suicide is the reason he teleported here i would recommend shaving that part off

Other than that some of the dialogue could be sharpened up to sound like a conversation rather than an exposition dump^^

And as you're aware there are grammatical errors but I am the last one who has any right to correct that

hopefully you decide to post more in the future
Ill be looking forward to it
– Action
« Last Edit: September 03, 2021, 09:00:30 AM by Action Animation »