Need some feedback on a plot I'm working on...

[wrathborne]

I've had this idea in the back of my head for...God, almost 17 years now. The sudden and tragic death of Kentaro Miura, of whose work was an inspiration to me and god knows how many others got me thinking back to this story and finally trying to bring it to life. It's a medieval fantasy, magic, action, some supernatural horror elements and drama. I'd say its kind of shonen with some seinen elements, or the other way around.

It's about orphaned siblings, a young priest and his sister struggling to survive the world they live in. By working for the church the priest has ensured that he and his sister have a place to stay. They're forced to move around a lot due to the fact that his sister is ostracized and a target due to her appearance. Her skin and hair are ghost white, she has fangs, and unusual eyes that glow in the dark. She has no chance for the normal life she desperately wants. She hides her appearance under cloaks and a plague doctor mask.

This is a very chaotic world that they live in, the serfdom are now freemen but the knights only protect the nobility and the nobility only protects villiages that pay a protection tax. Violent gangs of thieves are everywhere and there are worse things out there in the world, like witches that prey on humanity.

The first small story arc I was looking at having was the 18 year old Priest coming to terms with the fact his 13 year old sister will never be able to have a normal life and either she is sent to a nunnery, or he'll have to take care of her for the rest of his life. Then theres her desires that come into play as well as what she's willing to endure to survive in a world she cant blend in with as well as the odd supernatural changes that started to happen recently.

Not sure how well I described stuff, its a few hrs past my usual bedtime and I was trying to word this correctly.

[Coryn]

I mean you seem to have a solid setup. In terms of your first Arc description, it really sounds more like a description of an entire story though. That struggle of finding a normal life or giving up and being forced to hide away in a convent could easily serve as the driving force that keeps the characters in motion throughout the course of the story. Assuming they get around to traveling at some point (because why have an elaborate fantasy world if you don't get to see it), I could see this dillema driving the siblings from town to town and kingdom to kingdom as they search out a solution.

It gives me vibes of both Spice & Wolf and Somali and the Forest Spirit. Both shows revolve around a similar plot to what I described above, but with each taking a different twist on the idea. But both fit into the basic travelogue format, which is pretty underutilized in my humble opinion 


Anyway, welcome to MR dude! You should introduce yourself up in the Welcome Center!

[wrathborne]

Actually the main story is the brother and sister working with a thief and a wizard as a team of peacekeepers (mercenaries) that clear out bands of brigands or monsters while avoiding dealing with the nobility. The reason this is the main story is because the sister is a Jekyll and Hyde character, the Hyde side is violent and unstable but very good at fighting and killing brigands and monsters. Neither side of the sister wants the same thing and the crazy side brings a LOT of unwanted attention.

[Jackhammer]

What I would bring to the table is the Nobility aspect of the story. I think that side has a lot of potential. If you don't want to delve too deep in to the scheming side, you could maybe portray only the effects shown to villages. Random raids from a neighbouring fiefdom, sudden increase in bandit attacks, people forced to banditry due to overtaxation, people paid to become bandits and raid neighbors, sudden outbursts of plague, the town guards vanishing overnight.

That way you can bring the darkness of greed and the disregard of peasant life up and front. Maybe even make it a thing, where the sister questions whether she would really want to have a normal life if at any point she could be mugged, violated and killed and not necessarily in that order.