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Author Topic: Eclipse [Prototype]  (Read 2752 times)

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Offline Suuper-san

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Re: Eclipse [Prototype]
« Reply #15 on: June 06, 2021, 05:46:14 PM »
Chapter 9 - Collateral Damage

Chapter 9 - Collateral Damage































Bonus: Chapter Title Pages 2-5
Spoiler







Thoughts:

I felt Sam should have been a lot more angrier at Jake than what he was, but the trouble I had was getting Sam to calm down would have been harder afterwards, so I had to make his reaction dealable with in the rest of the script. I think partly I’m thinking too realistically for Sam’s reactions - in other words, how someone in real life would react, whereas most civilians in any action story seem to adjust magically to deal with saving the world or whatever’s going on. It makes for a good story, but I imagine in reality most would be having panic attacks all over the place if aliens attacked or a comet was coming to the earth etc. So to some extent, you have to make your characters unrealistic to make the story interesting, otherwise they would never be capable of greatness. Therefore my character writing could use a lot of upgrading then, I think.

Also I’m recycling character designs from my other stories since my sketchy art can only distinguish between about ~10 characters easily with just the face. Nia is meant to be dark skinned, but since I’m not using tones properly in my manga I wasn’t sure how to show that properly. Also did I even mention her name? lol

Also I limited Heather’s healing ability because in the original story, although never explained, Joshua has an untrained healing ability as well, which is crucial to the climax of the story. I don’t really know where I wanted to take that now the story is leaning in its own direction.

Talking of injuries I think everyone got off quite lightly for being in an explosion and falling debris. I thought that from ages ago but I couldn’t figure out how to fix the story to avoid that inconsistency, even with them being superpowered it’s not like it makes them any tougher, although a lot of stories lean that way for adding more eaction easily.

Also I tried to make Annabelle a sort of tsundere but wasn’t sure about her dialogue at all so meh.
Not sure why Annabelle says thanks or why in that specific scene she is stundere.

Also at the end I’m not sure if Sam should have been proud of Emily or not. Because he’s conflicted.

So a lot of script issues this time.

enjoy.
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Offline Suuper-san

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Re: Eclipse [Prototype]
« Reply #16 on: June 13, 2021, 04:07:35 AM »
Bonus: Chapter Title Pages 6-9
Spoiler







Just the chapter title pages this week, see my writing thread for why.
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Offline Suuper-san

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Re: Eclipse [Prototype]
« Reply #17 on: June 20, 2021, 05:47:02 PM »
Chapter 10 - A Powerful Ally

Chapter 10 - A Powerful Ally





































Chapter 11 - The Lightening Load

Chapter 11 - The Lightening Load

































Chapter 10 choughts:

I wanted to really show off Jake’s abilities as being quite over powered but I found it hard to imagine what powers he has, but also how to show them in the best way. Since it borders on action shots, which I’ve hardly done, it was all new territory with showing cool poses and angles for things.
Also, it’s a kamehameha lol

I really wanted to do a double page spread, simply to test my ability to draw one at all (the workflow), so I threw that in for practice purposes. I think it fitted though for epicness. This scene was also a way to practice writing and drawing action and use of powers without the trouble of writing combat sequences between several opponents, so it’s a cop out that still gives me experience.


Also kinda skimmed past a super important point that a lot of the members are orphans or ran away from home because of the negative view of those with Abilities. Would definitely be good to get more emotion in that, or focus specifically on a few members and their actual stories rather than just cramming it into one general statement.

Also why does Cleo type on her keyboard hwne she’s a technopath and doesn’t need to even touch the computer to operate it? That’s because she’s used to hiding her ability and by habit she touches the keys even when she uses her ability. Should really mention this kinda of stuff.

Chapter 11 thoughts:
It was hard writing the pep talk/instructions Jake/Danny give to Emily, partly because my power system is barely written at all, I’m just going with BnHA/X-Men vibes and so didn’t really think about how one would train their ability or improve it, other than just practicing and trying really hard. So that portion is just energetic space-filling I’m afraid. But at the end of the day, it’s fiction, so I guess it almost fits anyway.

But I also managed to fit some exposition in, like basic explanation of the powers themselves, which probably should have been mentioned earlier, but I’m getting used to working out the things I want to include, when.

There’s no amazing reason why Emily’s ability is Gravity Manipulation - it’s just that I always had that as her ability from the beginning, but it’s easily mistakable as telekinesis, especially since it’s not like you can have a test which tells you what your ability is.

The flight scene didn’t come across as I wanted, I was hoping for a much cooler presentation with her going into the air and everyone watching in suspense and excitement.

enjoy.
« Last Edit: June 21, 2021, 02:26:55 AM by Suuper-san »
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Offline Suuper-san

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Re: Eclipse [Prototype]
« Reply #18 on: July 14, 2021, 02:34:53 PM »
Chapter 12 - Returning Troubles

Chapter 12 - Returning Troubles

































Thoughts:

Literally so much fail in this chapter lol. But it’s all useful experience.

The art quality is exceptionallylow, I started to get confused with characters and stuff. See my writing thread for why. Basically I stopped caring about that level of quality and just trying to finish the project quickly.

Well this was as close as I could get to “bad guys doing bad guy stuff (TM)” this time around. So many unknowns, like the dialogue they would use, the actions they would take, and so on. So I just sort of went along the only route that presented itself although I didn’t really like it. It gave me a chance to try and almost get some action and fight scenes between ability users. None of it feels like it would fit in my story really, at least how I originally intended the story to go. They don’t sound bad-guy enough basically, although they are small fry in the grand scheme of things. The entire plot lacked coherence on every level, but at least I have the experience of doing it, so I can do a better shot next time. I find it hard to write “bad guy” stuff since really I’m a cute girls doing cute stuff kinda guy, so any sort of tension is beyond me, both in ability but also in style preference :P

I tried to show that one of them had an invisibility power but that was difficult with my sketchy style and lack of experience. Also it may come as a surprise since I didn’t really lay out the types of powers that people could have and so it sounds more convenient than anything else.

Also I wasn’t sure about both Joshua and Danny being so gung-ho in the fight. Danny understandably gets excited but Joshua I typically show as being nervous and careful, so perhaps he was just caught up or anxious about Annabelle being in trouble and wanted to save her quickly.

This also raised a lot of questions about other members on the base, as well as the base operation - what happens in emergencies like this, etc. And so really this prototype method is working well because it’s making me aware of plot holes and loops that need fixing up. In the future I’m seeing this prototype method working just on the writing side to quickly try out chapters and see how they feel, without too much serious connecting all the dots. Given the writing side is quite quick I should be able to write ahead and quickly notice issues and stuff. I’ve almost got a new workflow in my head for that.

Also as a sheer fluke I managed to end the volume on a largish cliff-hanger. I guess sometimes I get lucky. It would be nice to be able to plan an entire volume to have it sort of fit an arc or semi-arc in it so it doesn’t feel like the volume cuts at a weird place, but I imagine most long running manga just crop at whatever number of chapters without really worrying about that.

enjoy.
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Offline Suuper-san

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Re: Eclipse [Prototype]
« Reply #19 on: July 20, 2021, 05:40:30 AM »
Volume 1 Bonus Chapter

Volume 1 Bonus Chapter










Bonus - Chapter Title Pages 10-12

Spoiler





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Offline Suuper-san

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Re: Eclipse [Prototype]
« Reply #20 on: July 21, 2021, 01:11:21 PM »
Bonus Sketches

Spoiler

































These sketches are for padding the chapters to make sure the pages end up on the right even/odd combination.
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Offline legomaestro

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Re: Eclipse [Prototype]
« Reply #21 on: July 28, 2021, 06:52:10 AM »
Pretty cool sketches too.

Here is my readthrough so far and holy heck dude your output is always so amazing. I'll get to your other manga in due time but props.

Suuper Eclipse Mega Review
Spoiler
Chapter 3

Dressing up scene pretty cool. Also like her pouty 'hmph' face haha.

The physics of your comics is cool stuff. A small detail like a bottle tipping over and rolling is nicely executed in 3 panels. I feel there should've been an eye-opening gesture of some sort though for when he heard the noise.

And hahahaha Emily in a gang would work for some reason. I always like moe-kind of characters surrounded by ridiculously punky types haha. Biker gang for the win!

"I'm a criminal now!" This guys' standards are so on point I actually felt how exasperated he is by being forced into this situation haha.

Memory erasure can be a super dark power in the wrong hands. Pretty nifty ability in general security-wise haha.

Joshua looks like he needs more than that coffee hahahaha.

Whaaat how can people think this base isn't cool enough!? Blind, the lot of them!

I was with Emily with the 'yes please!' bit. Props on showing emotion so well too suuper.

And I know this sort of training room is a standard troupe in media but this strongly reminded me of an anime... I barely remember anymore. Gah which one was it. There were robots and stuff. It was a fun action sequence too.

Jake the shadowy figure dun dun duuuun. Emily is nervous as heck, but I can understand. Dude is huuuge.



Chapter 4

Phew his expression turning out to be kind really put me at ease haha.

And ooof that is a bit of a... erm low-power ability hahahaha. Well, he makes up for it with brawn, and for recon it can be super useful too. I wonder if there's more nuance to his detection, can he sense for example how powerful someone is?

Pfft he technically did ask some questions there hahahaha.

The team really feels welcoming.

I wonder if Sam can repair organic material. Could be used as a cheat healing ability haha.

OH NO I KNEW JAKE WOULD FIND HIM OUT

Nuuuuuuu the secret is out.



Chapter 5

Oof now that I think of it hiding the ability for years is pretty high level secret-keeping haha.
And wowee Emily is more powerful than I thought. And 'Not again' means she defintely went through something like this in the past huh. I see.
Jake all nonchalantly floating hahahaha.
Hahahah the zero-grav shenanigans. Poor R. But yesss I love that sort of ability. If he's good at hand to hand combat it could really be a trump card against other ability users haha.
She cutely fell asleep after healing everyone haha. Nice.
Sam is always so logical about his thought process. And yeah R is perfect for this kind of situation as well. Plus the healing if anything really goes awry. Emily is in good hands methinks.
Hey the market value of that chair went up by being repaired haha! And I didn't know he could shatter things too. That's cool.
Oh hoooo Jake has sensed how strong he is hehe.
Sams' suspicious pointing finger expression was on point haha. And Jake is too likeable haha. I think the siblings are in good hands.



Chapter 6

Oh gawd their parents abandoned them. Oddly enough I was 'hoping' (wrong word) they'd gone on a mission or something or even died protecting their children? Weird hope to have but abandonment just sucks.  Or maybe they were just worried and really did leave to find a way to protect them? One can hope.
Also Sam is a good bro.
Hahaha Jake has found a new handyman (But I bet he's invested in having Sam level up his ability too)
Emily being in a good mood put a smile on my face.
Oh gawd the slice ability is some seriously dangerous stuff. It's in good hands since Sam is so logical and kind. Wouldn't want to imagine it in the hands of a jerk.
Having to say the command is an interesting limitation. (And yes, Sam, you are now Handyman Sam the Repairman hahaha)
'This isn't even your final form' Hahahaha. But I have a feeling between that and Jakes' comment this is true.
Also Emilys' blush is too cute.
And also Sam is too cool of a big bro.




Chapter 7
Nice establishing shot
Laura is kawaiii
Pfft I THOUGHT EMILY JUST SPILLED ALL THE BEANS ON THE SPOT hahahahaha. It would be so much like her.
They read you like a book Emily. Keep the secret!
You're 110% being suspicious Emily haha.
Awww Laura wants to tell them, but alas, dem the rules haha. I bet Laura has one though!
They looked so serious around the table till Jake broke the ice haha. He's always so cheerful.
'What are you posing for!" bahahaha I was asking the same thing. Wonder how the test would go and yes please don't light fires underground what of the oxygen supply haha.



Chapter 8
Great chapter title cover (In general all of them are pretty nifty. Props)
"They downed it in one shot!" Hahahahaha I've seen people like that. Like bro like sis haha.
Oh gawd they exploded!
Like how they're reacting in tact to the situation but holy heck man people almost died. Don't play with fire near explosions goshdarnit.



Chapter 9
Jake is über strong.
And I guess them glowing with one eye each means they're supposed to work together to fulfill the potential of their powers haha.
INB4 Sam shall climb the ranks along with Annabel.
Seriously though that was super dangerous.
Sam and Emily really were impressive with their rescue haha. They didn't freak out at all.
'Small misunderstanding' I would be pissed there too haha.
Honestly at such an incident if my sibling were in trouble I'd nope out of there real quick. That level of incompetence is ridiculous hahaha. Train Emily on your own Sam!



Chapter 10
Sam is too smart to fall for your lies, Emily hahaha. And he really might be leading the base himself at this point. I'd vote for him for sure haha.
And I know the feel about homework Emily... Too well *sob*
'I'll wipe their memories and send them home!" Was said with such cheery optimism but woweee I'm terrified of her ability haha. You literally can't do anything if she gets the drop on you, even if you're combat based haha.
'It was a lot of water though!?" Hahahah I see the gag sides are in this manga a lot too. Good stuff.
Jake is a cooler guy than I thought, and makes sense he literally helped war orphans and stuff. Bet he's military or something haha.
Wait the room is full of nanomachines? Jeez Eclipse is better funded than I thought. I keep on underestimating it because of how young and inexperienced its members seem haha.
Wait I thought Jake could only detect!? Holy heck lasers!?
WAIT HE HAS SIX ABILITIES!? OK i'll never underestimate him again hahaha. I totally thought he was underpowered.
 Jake is OP. Awesome.
250 KG is a cool weight to be able to lift. Also I wonder how the nanomachines gain their weight. Density shifting I guess? Love that tech forever.

Nani that's not her ability!?


Chapter 11

GRAVITY YESSS
And the explanation of visualization makes sense.
And love the technicality of how careful to be when lifting things telekinetically.
Oh oh the eye contact thing can be a problem if she wants to defend the base haha. Can someone just wear sunglasses?
And oh yes this also means she can add gravity to objects too right? GOOO EMILY.
"The secret is confidence! And imagination!" A motivating quote for the ages haha.
"With willpower and guts!" Hahahaha
I wanted to cheer for her when she started floating hahaha. Nice scene.
"What if I had been making a coffee!?" This woman understands priorities hahaha.
Technopathy is awesome too.
"The Raging Stars" Hahahaha it almost sounds cheesy, but I bet they've got muscle to back it up. And wait, is the boss nervous? He's sweating while saying 'They'll regret it!"

Chapter 12

Annabel industrious as ever. Sweeping leaves and stuff haha.
And nice erasure
They chloroformed herrrrrrr. NUUUUUU. STOOOOP. DONT KIDNAP HER. Also what the heck where are the security cameras! Someoneeee
Oh gawd Eclipse really needs to be careful if they can be found out this easily haha. I share Sams' frustration.
Hahaha they got wiped in a few moves haha.
The brother sister duo is on the case. Prepare to feel paiiin!

Bonus Chapter
Hahaha you did 4komas like they do on mangas as well. Holy heck 12 chapters dude. This really is enough for a volume.
Pffft poor Sams' ability is too interesting to not ssee used.
Sam noticed hahahaha.
Emilys' convoluted answer has left me twisted haha.
Luck!? Hahahaha
Oh gawd he burnt the entire kitchen. And the other dude is worried about his pie hahahahaha. Priorities.
And I'd cheat like that too especially at Jenga.
The base really needs to update its secret-keeping protocols lel
Hey adding mud really does enhance the feeling hahahahaha.

Offline Suuper-san

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Re: Eclipse [Prototype]
« Reply #22 on: July 29, 2021, 03:51:19 PM »
@Lego many thanks for reading and giving a review! it means a lot!!
Since I don't plan on writing any further in the story I'll reveal a few spoilers in response to your comments.
Several of your critiques align with my own observations that I have written for each chapter as I posted.

Chapter 3:
I think Sam didn't hear the bottle falling but rather heard the door click, so Emily was just worrying that Sam might have woken up at that point.
Yup training room is a must-have in any story. Makes sense for the most part :)

Chapter 4:
Sam can't repair organic material or damage it, so he's not useful as a healer.

Chapter 5:
Most of the other characters such as Reese are quite shallow, so I hadn't given them much thought. Giving him good hand combat skills makes sense.
I specifically mentioned his other power here so it didn't feel like I pulled it out of the air the next chapter lol

Chapter 6:
You are correct with your parent-related deductions. They did indeed try and protect them, and are still alive, but kept prisoner by some other unwritten evil organisation. Sam can't remember clearly from the trauma related to this event and he never saw them afterwards so he drew the wrong conclusions as well.
Sam indeed incredibly powerful in his final form. Partly why his ability is so nerfed is that his own hatred towards his ability sealed it away. i.e. "I wish I never had this ability!">the ability attempted to comply. When his ability is unlocked by Jake later, Sam also remembers the true reason why his parents left to protect them (although I haven't really thought it out)

Chapter 7:
I hadn't intended on any of her school friends having abilities, the chances are that she would know already, as only Emily keeps it such a strong secret whereas others are more open.

Chapter 8:
Yes in reality this should have gone a lot worse. It basically didn't because I didn't want a super depresing story with death, but I also didn't know how to scale the explosion back to make it "safer".

Chapter 9:
I hadn't intended on Emily only having one glowing eye (did she have the other one closed perhaps?), although the connection you draw is pretty cool.
And yes they probably should have left and never looked back ahahaha

Chapter 10:
I did try and add a little humour, although there weren't too many places for it in this story.
Jake is pretty OP, even within the organisation he's one of the top. His personality though makes it hard for him to work with others and so he was assigned this branch because it was out of the way and kept him from making trouble just by being himself. I sort of wanted a Fairy Tail Makarov feel to him, that he's powerful but wants the young ones to learn things for themselves and only helps when they are in mortal danger.

Chapter 11:
I tried to add some nice explanations to the abilities but it was all just random tbh. I didn't give it much thought and just said what came into my head first.
I didn't intend the boss to be nervous, the sweat drop was probably me just drawing one on reflex late at night trying to get the pages finished ahahaha
The overall gang structure is unknown and I didn't really think much about it to be honest :P

Chapter 12:
The entire structure of Eclipse is an utter mess, both in canon and also in my head. Far too little planning went into this and the project has really taught me a thing or two about what needs planning, and how much is important.

Yup gotta have bonus 4komas right :P

And...enough for a volume you think? say no more, it is done!



Volume 1 Cover



Bonus: Printed Copy

Spoiler



Major statistics dump and rambling to follow, but otherwise this project is now complete!
« Last Edit: July 29, 2021, 03:54:34 PM by Suuper-san »
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