July 27, 2021, 11:20:06 AM

------------------------------------------

If you have Login Problems Use the Login in Top Menu Bar


------------------------------------------
If you have a problem registering here, Leave a msg at our FB Page >> Here.

Plz Don't use Hotmail to Register. You might not receive Activation mail. Use Other free mail provider like Gmail or Yahoo.






Author Topic: Eclipse [Prototype]  (Read 873 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline Suuper-san

  • Level 0 Writer
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 6007
  • Gender: Male
  • Anyone need a wall of text?
    • View Profile
Eclipse [Prototype]
« on: April 11, 2021, 09:57:46 AM »
Please read my disclaimer if you would like to critique (basically don't critique minor details since I'm only focusing on expressing the core of the idea)
But if you seriously want to mention more fine details then go ahead, it may still be useful to me but I dont want to waste your time.

This is a prototype manga as it is basically in draft format, both script and art. I intend at some point to completely rewrite it and produce it at a proper quality level, although there will always be the allure of the next shiny story.

Eclipse

Blurb

The world is just not ready to accept that some people have supernatural abilities. Emily wants to use her powers to help people, but her brother is afraid she will put herself into dangerous situations. Perhaps she can find her purpose with the secret organisation known as...Eclipse.

Chapters

Chapter 1: My Purpose






































Chapter 2: The Dark Moon
































Chapter 3: Into the Deep

































Chapter 4: Brother and Sister

































Chapter 5: Powerful Emotions



































Chapter 6: Stronger Bonds

































Chapter 7: Hidden Truth
































Chapter 8 - Danger From Within


































Chapter 9 - Collateral Damage
































Chapter 10 - A Powerful Ally






































Chapter 11 - The Lightening Load


































Chapter 12 - Returning Troubles


































Volume 1 Bonus Chapter









« Last Edit: July 20, 2021, 05:41:08 AM by Suuper-san »
Art: Manga / Fanart / Requests (closed) / Other Art | Manga Stories & Projects
Other Stuff: Tutorials / Craft | Feedback & Critique Welcome!

Offline Suuper-san

  • Level 0 Writer
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 6007
  • Gender: Male
  • Anyone need a wall of text?
    • View Profile
Re: Eclipse [Prototype]
« Reply #1 on: April 11, 2021, 10:04:08 AM »
Chapter 1: My Purpose

Chapter 1: My Purpose





































Thoughts:
This is a rewrite of my Dark Strike one-shot. not because I particularly wanted to redo it, but because while drawing the one-shot I wrote a lot of ideas about how the story could develop and carry on, and it become my most developed idea by the end.
So why look elsewhere when you have a story that's already half-developed, was my thoughts.

I made Emily and Sam siblings this time, which makes it easier to have conflict between them but also to resolve it as well, and when they have close moments it won't be misread as romance (if they weren't related)

The chapter script I wrote actually extended far beyond what this chapter shows, I had to cut the script in half to make it fit within 16-20 pages, which is my weekly target. So the manga ends on a less powerful cliffhanger than I would have liked, but tolerable I think.
Also goes to show that I have no sense of pacing in my manga planning so far as I tried to fit too much into a single chapter in the first place.

Overall I liked the pacing and the camera angles although some shots are a bit stale in composition. A couple of panels dont quite show the reaction/expression I would have liked too, but that's practice.

There also was a problem with making the speech bubbles fit inside the panels, I fixed the method for the other stories but this one I noticed too late to fix it.

The text was also extra badly aligned in the bubbles, that was a workflow issue and the other stories have better aligned text. I don't want to actually spend time aligning the text or formatting it to read nicely, because that takes a lot of time for basically nothing gained.

Anyways, enjoy.
« Last Edit: April 11, 2021, 02:20:21 PM by Suuper-san »
Art: Manga / Fanart / Requests (closed) / Other Art | Manga Stories & Projects
Other Stuff: Tutorials / Craft | Feedback & Critique Welcome!

Offline Suuper-san

  • Level 0 Writer
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 6007
  • Gender: Male
  • Anyone need a wall of text?
    • View Profile
Re: Eclipse [Prototype]
« Reply #2 on: April 18, 2021, 11:36:49 AM »
Chapter 2: The Dark Moon

Chapter 2: The Dark Moon































Thoughts:
This was the second half of my chapter 1 script so hopefully the story sounds a little more understandable now.

In my story when the "Users" activate their ability their hair floats and their eyes turn white. In my sketchy style this is super hard to notice and looks quite strange compared to when I did it in in Dark Strike. So I'm thinking it might just be the style limit. And yes Sam only has one eye glow white for reasons lol.

I think overall the story went OK but I struggle on the conflict to make it believable.

Also Sam was hiding his power the whole time, I'm not sure how I feel about that as a backstory but it fits in with how he views them and thinks that they shouldn't be used (also spoilers)

I think I could have had some more BG panels in the middle of the chapter when all of them are chatting, I think I didn't really have a good grasp of where they were and so it was harder to get an idea of what exactly was in the background anyway.

last two pages are my favourite.

anyways, enjoy.
« Last Edit: April 25, 2021, 07:01:21 AM by Suuper-san »
Art: Manga / Fanart / Requests (closed) / Other Art | Manga Stories & Projects
Other Stuff: Tutorials / Craft | Feedback & Critique Welcome!

Offline legomaestro

  • High Chancellor of Righteousness
  • Global Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 20360
  • Gender: Male
  • real life has wack graphics
    • View Profile
Re: Eclipse [Prototype]
« Reply #3 on: April 20, 2021, 09:58:31 AM »
Ooh interesting switchup with the characters.

I particularly liked the panels where Emily was going out, and the end scene of chapter 2. And haha does their boss have mind-reading abilities?

Dude I'm awed at this. Actually hearing about your productivity was one thing but seeing how much you've drawn is super cool hehe keep at it.

And I know the suffering that sticking speech bubbles and text in the panels brings. In certain cases go wild and let the speech bubble flow into (for instance, you could introduce J with a speech-bubble that overlays the panel as he says 'Danny!' then the next page reveals him.

New characters also sometimes need a huge panel shot. It helps the reader focus on their introduction, and you can use the BAM panel to show their pose, demeanour and make the reader interested in the new character.

Otherwise dude keep at this holy heck hahaha!

Also I'm really worried about Emilys' naivete too. But I trust Sams' ability to protect her.

Also screw those two bastards. Danny and J should roast them from inside out.

Offline Manimal

  • God Of Thunder & Rock 'n Roll
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 4087
  • Gender: Male
  • Bama Lama Bama Loo
    • View Profile
Re: Eclipse [Prototype]
« Reply #4 on: April 20, 2021, 11:24:27 AM »
Oooh, manga X-Men. The set-up is done well and you are able to get into the story right away. Your storytelling is fast paced and you give enough details to understand the characters and conflicts. The world is very easy to get into here and it's understood what's going on from only a bit of detail in the opening. For a small critique I found some of the action scenes in the building a bit tiny hard to follow and when the two girls were in the same scene sometimes I wasn't sure which was which. That's just me though. Once again I feel like you got the pacing and storytelling just right here and delivered only the important details. Well done!

Offline Suuper-san

  • Level 0 Writer
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 6007
  • Gender: Male
  • Anyone need a wall of text?
    • View Profile
Re: Eclipse [Prototype]
« Reply #5 on: April 25, 2021, 08:38:11 AM »
Chapter 3: Into the Deep

Chapter 3: Into the Deep
































Thoughts:
I tried out using solid tones for page 3 of this chapter but it took too long compared to hatching, and while I am keen on picking up a good workflow for colouring, I can't afford the page ink time to increase otherwise I can't do 4 weekly series, so I gave up instantly.

this chapter really got hacked and chopped up from both ends, so it barely passes as a proper planned chapter. I ran out of page space as the chapter was too long, and so had to cut the chapter at a more annoying point than I had wanted.

Once again I don't introduce new characters with any flare, and especially with my sketchy style it's getting harder to tell the larger cast apart now. Not quite sure how I'll handle that but I think I've been paying a little more attention to the face structure, especially the eyes.

My characters aren't really well designed, in fact most of them aren't at all, that's partly the purpose of this project is to determine how much designing characters and settings need in the future. I'm also hoping that as I get on top of the workload that I can have a tiny bit of character design even for my sketchy manga.

anyways, enjoy.


Feedback

@Lego

Quote
does their boss have mind-reading abilities?
Glad that came across. I do explicitly state it in chapter 3 but if the art conveyed it on its own then I'm happy.

Quote
New characters also sometimes need a huge panel shot.
Yeah I'm totally struggling with impactful character introductions, I'm not insanely bothered with it because of dealing with so many other things but I'll get round to making more bammy introductions at some point.

Quote
Also I'm really worried about Emilys' naivete too. But I trust Sams' ability to protect her.
It doesn't cause as many issues as it probably should, to be honest, at least I haven't planned anything in that regard. And yes Sam is very protective.

Quote
Also screw those two bastards. Danny and J should roast them from inside out.
Yeah :P
I don't know if they'll turn up again

@Manimal

Quote
Oooh, manga X-Men.
Yeah..... lol. The moment I added a civil war in the backstory I noticed that too. I'm not insanely bothered by that but I'm not deliberately trying to make it similar in any way to X-Men.

Quote
The world is very easy to get into here and it's understood what's going on from only a bit of detail in the opening.
Glad to hear it

Quote
When the two girls were in the same scene sometimes I wasn't sure which was which.
Dude I was drawing them and even I got confused between them lol.
I think the low quality sketch style isn't suited for portraying character likeness too well, it's sort of only a draft style, I might add a little character arrow to make it clear in difficult scenes

 
Quote
I feel like you got the pacing and storytelling just right here
Thanks! I'm clueless when it comes to pacing so if it comes across well then that's just fluke ehehehe

Art: Manga / Fanart / Requests (closed) / Other Art | Manga Stories & Projects
Other Stuff: Tutorials / Craft | Feedback & Critique Welcome!

Offline Coryn

  • Director of the MR Science Division
  • Global Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 21213
  • Gender: Male
  • Secretly a 13 year old girl.
    • View Profile
Re: Eclipse [Prototype]
« Reply #6 on: April 25, 2021, 09:13:41 AM »
Well Suuper, you're doing a good just b of self analysis because you've already commented on some of the main things I was picking up on. Mainly the characters getting lost between the rapid introductions and the lofi style.

I do have some larger points that I think will pass muster of your disclaimer though.

1. In your little flashback sequence, it would be nice to get a liiiitle more context about how people came to blame the ability users for the war. In the flashback, you make it sound like the people without the abilities started the war, but then later say people blame the ability havers. It's like you're alluding to a specific inciting incident, but skip past it in the spot we would expect you to tell us about it. If they're basically superheroes, it makes one yearn for some initial super villain.

2. In chapter 1, you flash by a lot of powers in short order that all seem to be the same (fire balls?). With the hair floating combo, it's impossible to get a read on who is who. I only bring this up because it seems like an issue that won't go away even with an upgrade in art quality. Giving more visually distinct powers will also be good shorthand for the reader going forward.

3. One wonders about the mechanics of the powers when you introduce Sam having powers as well. He specifically says his ability out loud, whereas none of the other characters do. Seems odd.

4. If boss lady can read minds, then she shouldn't be worried about Emily being a spy, so it's very strange for her to bring it up. If anything she should have just acted like a metal detector almost. Scan someone at the door before they're let through.

5. Even without the light details, you are introducing a lot of characters very quickly. From a pacing standpoint, it seems better if you can keep Emily's introduction to this organization a little deeper into the story. Maybe have her test happen away from the headquarters, so you can drop in new characters a little more slowly. As it is, it feels like we missed a chapter 2.5 when Emily became trusted enough to come inside the HQ.

6. As a final note (and this is a bit nitpicking about the logic): Since this organization seems to be run almost exclusively by teenagers, then no, I am not at all surprised that they are all asleep at 7am (except the dozen of them we see who are awake, which contradicts your earlier statements).


Anyway, good stuff so far! I hope I didn't get too into the weeds for your taste.

Will review stories upon request. My latest arc: http://goo.gl/KYgsfF

Offline Suuper-san

  • Level 0 Writer
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 6007
  • Gender: Male
  • Anyone need a wall of text?
    • View Profile
Re: Eclipse [Prototype]
« Reply #7 on: April 25, 2021, 10:18:51 AM »
@coryn thanks for the feedback!
this is almost the perfect level of feedback I'm looking for, to attack the issues with the main plot and core story.

The art style is really just to draft/represent the script idea, so it's not a "final" version at all. It's very close to a first draft style. Ideally I'd like to work with just a script and have no art, but I think it's crucial to develop both skills at the same time hence me producing low quality pages.

OK so to answer your questions I'll have to give away quite a bit of spoilers, although this is a developing story so that's how it goes. If you think certain points should have been mentioned explicitly then it would be good to know if I should have put some things in when I didn't.

1) I didn't want the intro to be too long so I abbreviated it heavily from the idea in my head. Basically when the Users start to appear, enough of them used their abilities for breaking the law, stealing/robbing/shoplifting etc, which led to other normal criminals joining in the chaos, making it worse. The general public reacted in panic and hate (especially with regard to mind-reading, invisibility and other "questionable" Abilities), rioting and pouring fuel on the flames. This led to "good" Users getting doxxed and the like, which led to more Users reacting to protect themselves.
The army involvement also had Users, although they were heavily under the army's control (brainwashed etc) because the army also didn't trust the Users but their powers were too useful to ignore (mind-reading for example)
That's the reason the organisation is operating in secret, they view themselves as superheros (especially the younger ones), but the public is heavily suspicious of them still. It's changing towards acceptance, but just not yet.

2) That's probably because fireballs are the easiest to draw, I really should have given one of the thugs a different power, but fire is pretty threatening and powerful so gangs would want pyrokinetic ability Users in their ranks.

I'm also struggling on the range of powers I want to have in my story, I'm not going as creative as x-men or BnHA because I'd rather work with a smaller range of abilities given the high rate I'm developing my story.
Generally anything that alters the body is out (i.e. transforming), so I'm going with elemental for the most part, with telekinesis, telepathy, and some other random default powers like healing because I like that.

Sorry about the hair floating, I don't know why I added that feature. I just like drawing floating hair ehehe
EDIT: I completely forgot the hair floating is just because any ability will alter reality around the user, and so small objects will float regardless of ability. hair being light, floats the easiest. a User using a powerful ability would have other objects float too, such as their clothes or pieces of rubble etc.

3) That's well noticed, and it's deliberate. Sam's ability, while currently being nerfed (he only has one eye glow as well), is incredibly powerful and basically is a "power of words" ability, where what he says, becomes real or effected. So in the whole story only he has to say his ability out loud, and he uses other words as well for different effects. Later on he uses "shatter" to break apart rubble.

I'm fluffing around the exact reason since I don't know it, but all Abilities are based on some part of the brain being developed and "connecting" to some other plane of reality to affect the current reality. I suppose in Sam's case, his ability is also connected to the speech part of the brain. That sounds good enough. But without being explained, it certainly seems strange, I can understand that. I dont know how I would fix that. A few chapters down I do directly point out that he has to say the command out loud and how that differs from others.

4) There's a couple of limits on mind-reading abilities, as well as the character herself.
Annabelle has a cliched "mind reader reads the minds of their friends and finds out that they're lying to her" backstory, and so while not always an issue, she doesn't like using her ability out of old trauma. That's why she sadly responds to Emily saying "that's a cool ability" with "no, it really isn't". perhaps that needed more emphasis.

Also mind-reading is not an all-powerful ability (everyone in-universe thinks it is though), you can only read what the mind "freely gives", so it's harder to read secrets that people are heavily protecting and so-on. that was the general idea.

5) yeah no idea on rate of introducing characters yet, that's a tough cookie tbh
As for Emily's "test", the actual boss is super open minded and accepts anyone at first glance, to the mind-reading girl's dismay. This specific branch of the organisation is more like an orphanage and the boss views himself like everyone's uncle and picked them off the streets basically. Given this leads into them fighting quite a lot it's a bit of a paradox, but generally children are stronger and so he honestly believes they'll be fine.

Quote
As it is, it feels like we missed a chapter 2.5 when Emily became trusted enough to come inside the HQ.
That's because of the boss being so accepting that even the mind-reader girl knows that Emily is going to be accepted and so she goes along with it, but complains the whole way.

6) that's two-fold again. Time passed without warning, so the chapter ends at 9am. I had no way of passing the time without spamming another chapter of random touring the base, and so just jumped. That's probably my largest "deliberate" mistake so far. sorry :P
And secondly, the base is technically part of a larger organisation, there are actual rules and regulations, none of which are being followed in this branch, which is why Annabelle gets so frustrated because she's a stickler for the rules.
The other branches are much more considerably adults and operate more regimented army style.

Hope that answered your queries, as I said, let me know if those justifications could or should have been included in the chapters somewhere, but mostly everything I have said will come out in the next 10 chapters or so. so I think it's the order of exposition that's an issue.
« Last Edit: April 25, 2021, 11:52:32 AM by Suuper-san »
Art: Manga / Fanart / Requests (closed) / Other Art | Manga Stories & Projects
Other Stuff: Tutorials / Craft | Feedback & Critique Welcome!

Offline Coryn

  • Director of the MR Science Division
  • Global Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 21213
  • Gender: Male
  • Secretly a 13 year old girl.
    • View Profile
Re: Eclipse [Prototype]
« Reply #8 on: April 26, 2021, 11:49:54 AM »
So I'd say that in general, you could stand to include all those lines of reasoning, or at least allude to them. I don't think you need to go over the top. For instance with the intro, I think like two extra panels will get you there. Just a basic "the ability users split into factions, some violent gangs, others protectors ". Then with the being let into the base, a simple line like "it's fine, the boss literally doesn't turn anyone away. It's actually super annoying."

So minor things really, but they head off questions early on.

Will review stories upon request. My latest arc: http://goo.gl/KYgsfF

Offline Suuper-san

  • Level 0 Writer
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 6007
  • Gender: Male
  • Anyone need a wall of text?
    • View Profile
Re: Eclipse [Prototype]
« Reply #9 on: April 27, 2021, 02:53:20 AM »
Quote
or at least allude to them
I think this makes sense. otherwise the readers think that it's a plot hole or poorly written. So you have to deliberately point it out so it's clear "there's something more going on" or "oh that's why he/she did that"

trouble is because you know your story (including the things you dont mention in chapters) yourself it's hard to imagine what questions other people have. you have to be really aware of the information you're giving out, compared to what you have avaliable.
Art: Manga / Fanart / Requests (closed) / Other Art | Manga Stories & Projects
Other Stuff: Tutorials / Craft | Feedback & Critique Welcome!

Offline Suuper-san

  • Level 0 Writer
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 6007
  • Gender: Male
  • Anyone need a wall of text?
    • View Profile
Re: Eclipse [Prototype]
« Reply #10 on: May 02, 2021, 04:26:12 PM »
Chapter 4:Brother and Sister

Chapter 4:Brother and Sister
































Thoughts:

Once again a main character is casually introduced...and I’ll do it again so help me.
Not much really happens in this chapter, not sure why but that’s how it spaced out. I had to chop the ending off as I ran out of pages again and so the chapter ends not where I would have liked.

Getting quite stuck on personalities and staying in character for each person’s dialogue. I think I’m messing up pretty badly on certain character’s reactions, which in turn affects the flow of the plot. There are a lot of places where if you asked me to justify it I just wouldn’t have a clue. Problems everywhere but I trudge on.

anyways, enjoy
Art: Manga / Fanart / Requests (closed) / Other Art | Manga Stories & Projects
Other Stuff: Tutorials / Craft | Feedback & Critique Welcome!

Offline Suuper-san

  • Level 0 Writer
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 6007
  • Gender: Male
  • Anyone need a wall of text?
    • View Profile
Re: Eclipse [Prototype]
« Reply #11 on: May 09, 2021, 01:12:16 PM »
Chapter 5: Powerful Emotions

Chapter 5: Powerful Emotions


































Thoughts:

The flow of this chapter is utterly chaotic, there were many things I wanted to add, and didn’t know where to put them or how, and so it feels very disjointed. I decided far better to throw in everything I wanted and see how it failed, than to avoid it because it will fail. That way I learn more, but it’s very stressful ahahaha.

I also casually introduce a super important member of the story who can cancel abilities because there’s always one of those right.

I don’t really know what I’m doing with most of my characters so the mid-plot around chapter 10 and onwards gets quite choppy, also because it involves super powered fights which I have no idea how to choreograph. I’m going to go with generic bad guys first which are easily beaten which saves any sort of in-depth fight planning, but I’d like to get into some really complex fights if I can. Also while I know the major story arc it has no details, so I don’t know how to fill it out. Again the “prototype” status is helping to just go with whatever I can do and learn how to do it better next time.

Also hinting at Sam’s ability being more powerful that even he knows. Not sure how I want to progress with Sam’s ability since it is very powerful but I don’t want it to take away from Emily as a main character.

The script was also super difficult...it’s hard to write believable arguments or persuasive speeches and control the flow of the mood as it escalates and calms etc, so this is a super learning curve for me, and thank goodness I’m not doing a proper manga because I would hate myself for the quality of the writing :P
But even in my own opinion a lot of the script is cringy or plain wrong a lot of the time. Still working on a method to improve that...

but whatever, enjoy.
« Last Edit: May 09, 2021, 02:05:06 PM by Suuper-san »
Art: Manga / Fanart / Requests (closed) / Other Art | Manga Stories & Projects
Other Stuff: Tutorials / Craft | Feedback & Critique Welcome!

Offline Suuper-san

  • Level 0 Writer
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 6007
  • Gender: Male
  • Anyone need a wall of text?
    • View Profile
Re: Eclipse [Prototype]
« Reply #12 on: May 16, 2021, 06:32:02 PM »
Chapter 6: Stronger Bonds

Chapter 6: Stronger Bonds
































This was an interesting chapter because it was quite dialogue heavy in the first part. I tried to make Sam’s reasoning sound good, and it led into a good chance to reveal the state of the parents , who are not, as we might have thought, dead. I couldn’t get the emotions right, nor the exact words I wanted annoyingly.

Writing characters reconciling after an argument is quite difficult because you have to control how the emotions flow and how they react accordingly to each other’s statements. I think I did alright, but I could definitely have done better.

Also the entire house scene I thought of on the spot, although I did have a question mark over what happened when they got home I didn’t think it would spill into a whole half chapter. It fits nicely into how the characters would have acted I think. At this point I’m definitely starting to think it doesn’t matter what route you follow in your story, it will be just as interesting if you write it well. But the style will change how it feels, like if it’s a slow emotional piece or a fast action piece, even if the plot is arguably the same but you just focus on different aspects.
Also while I originally had the house scene as basically filler, it ended up being a bonding scene between Sam and Emily, and a little exposition, so while it originally was filler it became useful in the end. This makes it incredibly difficult to know what parts of my plot to expand into more substance and which parts to gloss over. I think perhaps it almost doesn’t matter as long as you cover everything you wanted to.

The panel count per page was 6/7 mostly which was pretty high. I tried to keep within my target page amount of 16-18. That’s the dialogue’s fault as it kept generating panels for each exchange.

Also drawing people hugging while sitting down...nope.

anyways, enjoy.
Art: Manga / Fanart / Requests (closed) / Other Art | Manga Stories & Projects
Other Stuff: Tutorials / Craft | Feedback & Critique Welcome!

Offline Suuper-san

  • Level 0 Writer
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 6007
  • Gender: Male
  • Anyone need a wall of text?
    • View Profile
Re: Eclipse [Prototype]
« Reply #13 on: May 23, 2021, 07:25:39 PM »
Chapter 7: Hidden Truth

Chapter 7: Hidden Truth































Bonus: Chapter 1 Title Page
Spoiler

Thoughts:
This was basically a break/breather chapter, and I wanted to add some school friends. I’m not sure how much plot is around the school or her friends. In the original story one of Emily’s friends was injured by a User and so that fuelled plot and emotions, so I might be able to do something like that again, so I want to build up the friendships, either way it makes the story fuller.

Also mysterious Special Police Task Force is mysterious. I have ideas for them but no idea where to put it. My plot organisation could certainly use some levelling up. Well not really organisation but development. I’ve got seeds of ideas but not sure how to develop them properly yet with the constraints of a half-built story.

The second half sets up the next few chapters, but really this and the next section of story isn’t meant to be here in terms of plot consistency (as mentioned by Coryn too). This sort of contrasts with the previous “easily accepted” plot but I basically wanted to do a “fake mission to test the mettle of the new members”. I don’t know why it’s here other than it seemed like a standard thing that does happen in a bunch of stories, so I figured I’d trial it out and see how it came across. In terms of writing it gives me a way to create tension in a much more controlled manner, and to avoid external conflict, i.e. creating new bad guys, at the moment. So I’m using it to ease me into action and tension, rather than it being something that belongs in the plot. In retrospect it should have happened before any mention of acceptance happened but there you go. Getting lots of experience with failure with these projects.

enjoy,
« Last Edit: May 23, 2021, 07:46:08 PM by Suuper-san »
Art: Manga / Fanart / Requests (closed) / Other Art | Manga Stories & Projects
Other Stuff: Tutorials / Craft | Feedback & Critique Welcome!

Offline Suuper-san

  • Level 0 Writer
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 6007
  • Gender: Male
  • Anyone need a wall of text?
    • View Profile
Re: Eclipse [Prototype]
« Reply #14 on: May 30, 2021, 07:14:43 PM »
Chapter 8 - Danger From Within

Chapter 8 - Danger From Within

































Thoughts:
This carries on the fake emergency plot. But I tried to put a twist on it in that it goes wrong and so the threat is very real. But in reality if they had, I don’t know, run away or something, how that would affected their “accepted” status.
This is really where the “prototype” status of the stories is coming into its own, the plot has holes but really I’m just trialling ideas out in a stress-free manner. There’s a lot of post justification that I can throw in like “it gives Sam and Emily a chance to work together”

I couldn’t write the individual events as well as I would have liked, so it’s not as dire of an emergency as I wanted, but it was borderline how I imagined it. Partly when it comes to problems and solutions, you have to put a lot of barriers in the way so that your characters are justified in solving the problem the way you intended. I feel like a DnD GM to be honest, not that I’ve ever done it but I imagine it’s similar to this.

Also aside from the plot itself, I found myself imagining more cinematic shots for this chapter, not that many made it to the final draft but I found myself thinking more about the presentation of the panels and plot, rather than just focusing on the characters faces when they speak, focusing on the action and the environment.

I would have loved to show the water level rising slowly, but to draw any sort of water is a pain, so it just jumped up when it was plot time :P

anyways, enjoy.
« Last Edit: May 30, 2021, 08:12:59 PM by Suuper-san »
Art: Manga / Fanart / Requests (closed) / Other Art | Manga Stories & Projects
Other Stuff: Tutorials / Craft | Feedback & Critique Welcome!