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Author Topic: Criticism and comments needed  (Read 312 times)

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Offline Megane

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Criticism and comments needed
« on: March 13, 2021, 04:21:30 PM »
Yuito Doujinshi HxH

It all started when an elderly of the clan was worried about the clan future and prosperity, so he made a nen pact and sacrificed himself along with other elderly in order to become power and guidance for the next generation. The story starts with a utopia like clan known for their ritual of sacrificing elders, the clan size is large around 50 clan members.
The main character is yuito and his twin brother yuki there is also his sister hanae  .

The boy father kazuki was against him marrying his sister saying he should marry an outsider its better than way since the clan had cases where mutations happen when they give birth from siblings where the mutations can be diseases and even become hereditary if the mutant isn’t isolated in the clan and prevented from giving birth, the father was against the clan rules and policy of marrying relatives to keep their superior genes. The mother was against defying the can rules saying they will be treated as outcast. Even yuito agreed with his father and decided not to marry hanae for now.

Now yuito was treated as an outcast and exiled from the village for defying the clan rule. His twin brother yuki was born without nen powers so envied yuito from their childhood for having powers and hating the fact they were born twins as yuki thought the fact they were born twins so the other twin may have took things from him thus hating yuito from birth.

Yuito He is the most handsome member of the clan, but he is the weakest after his twin brother.
Hanae had a curse on her for disobeying the clan saying this is true there were cases of mutations happening before but the eder didn’t care so Yuito was mad

Now yuito sets out on a journey to find anyone who can dispel the curse that was placed on Hanae.
Now yuito had gone out of the clan as he wonders the world he sees different cultures and tribes in other villages than his. He gains their trust and he eventually meets a nen cleanser who deals with the art of nen. He says in exchange for some of his sister life force he will lift up the curse.

One of the tribes is known for their utopia belief where they are kind and have great hospitality.
Yuito thinks for a while and agrees so he travels back to his village as he is going back he hears news of a certain village that it was attacked by a band of theives, it was the same band of thieves that was hired by a dictator but he doesn’t know that. Originally the dictator caught the wind of this device where he heard that for generation after generation the clan had sacrificed elder members to become power for next generation.

So he goes back to his village only to find destroyed buildings, people are gone and even his sister was captured. His twin brother volunteered to be a guinea pig for this device where he thought he might be able to finally gain power and beat yuito.

yuito found a few injured as they were the guards they tell him that they were attacked by a band of thieves and that there was a guy they called him Akui and that he stole the device of sacrifice and they heard him saying that he wants to test it first on the clan members as he captured them all and imprisoned them, now yuito is scared as he is the weakest of them all. The nen cleanser stays behind as yuito selects only a few of the guards who were injured and takes them with him.

Now yuito sets out on an another journey to find the mastermind behind the kidnapping of
His clan members. He finds the place where they are being kept it’s a lab. The guards attacked the building and yuito goes in only to find the same band of thieves that attacked the clan there along with his twin brother now yuito is furios on his brother for betraying the clan.

He fights back but unable to beat them he lost to them. Now he was captured

Yuito is put In an isolated chamber and they begin the sacrificial ritual and  As yuito says their name one by one this is a tragedy that befauls on yuito where he said their name one by one as they are sacrificed in front of him

They plant a curse on his sister in case that if he betrays them she will have to die.  He is forced to work for them as they are also holding his sister as hostage.

 He is controlled by them and he is forced into working into assassination missions.

Yuito meets with the nen cleanser and brings his sister to the cleanser so to remove the curse the price is some of yuito life-span but it gets removed

Yuito now fights his twin brother yuki and wins against him and he almost killed him saying he will never forgive him for betraying the clan and using the device for personal gains as this was against the clan rules

The story now begins with revenge, yuito sets out for the dictator and kills most of his soliders, then he finds the dictator and tortures him, he becomes power hungry person, he sacrificed most of the dictator soliders for power, and ends up killing the dictator eventually.

He eventually forgives his brother as they are from the same blood and flesh.

He marries someone from outside the clan but he decides to seal the device in his child instead.

After this is another story to be continued

End of the story…

Offline Action Animation

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Re: Criticism and comments needed
« Reply #1 on: March 13, 2021, 09:57:30 PM »
Rather difficult to leave any comments or criticisms since this here is more of a outline than a story, unless your needing to be critiqued on something specific