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Author Topic: This is part of one of my superheroes' story inside my franchise.  (Read 831 times)

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Offline JGun8494

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Hello! This story I uploaded is a chapter of one of my superheroes' story in my franchise but since this is the first time, I would have made mistakes or my writing style would be a bit boring. So if any of you reading this have found a mistake, Feel free to reply it here. I will change the style according to it. I don't know how to post it. So I'll post as a spoiler.

Spoiler
THE MERCHANT OF SIN: SIN COLLECTOR

CHAPTER 1: Raiya becomes a Superhuman.


The Shadow Organization "World Benders" continued to do experiments on orphan children and pregnant women under poverty. Raiya Shiroyuki was just a 6 month baby when he was rented to them by his own family in return for family needs and allowance for the next 10 years. The experiment on him was fortunately successful. He was the fourth successful experiment out of a near thousand experiments.

Inside the research laboratory:
"God, a success after a long time." the assistant scientist says with a relieving look in the face. "I don't believe in god. I believe in superiority." the chief scientist replied with pride. "Don't you just beat around the bush and tell me what you modified in this experiment." angrily interrupted by the head of the organization through an encrypted call in a speaker. "Oh pardon me, unlike the first successful experiment this experiment is unimaginably fast at analyzing, learning and exploiting what he learnt and this ability exceeds human limits." the chief scientist replied. "Sounds like he is just an extraordinary human." the head said. "What if I say that he will surpass me, the scientist with most scientific knowledge and skills who is given the CODENAME: APOLLO in just after 5 years from now?? His IQ will increase exponentially and his decisions will be the wisest. I am sure of it." the scientist replies him with a challenging face. "Oh then he has a chance to become the heir of this organization against the first experiment. And don't you speak to CODENAME:CHRONOS like that. You are just APOLLO." warned by the head to the chief scientist. "Okay then, I will be looking upon your life Raiya Shiroyuki. I know you won't let us down. <Laughs Evil>" the head ends the call.

Raiya Shiroyuki has a family of mother and an elder sister with 7 year age difference. His father was a miner and died of pneumoconiosis (the miner disease) during the day he was born. His mother hated him from his birth thinking that he is a cursed child because of her husband's demise. She hated him until he returned from the laboratory after renting. He was pale and looked almost dead. That was the time she realized that she gave her own son to do a dangerous experiment just because of her self satisfaction and regretted a lot. She cannot raise him as a normal mother as seeing him would remind her of that day. Raiya hadn't laughed or cried ever since that day.

When he was two years old, he was always alone silently looking at books and watching TV programs which are meant for way too higher education while his sister plays with dolls and friends. Her mother one day sees him alone and lonely and tries to speak with him and nurture him. But he looks at her mother with an empty facial expression as if he was dead already. Her mom felt heartbroken seeing his face but didn't give up. She then brought the photo of the family, pointed at herself in the photo and said to him "This is mommy. Say MOMMY." He looked at the photo and his mother repeatedly. She again said "Say MOMMY" but she was shocked the reply she got from him. He replied "Why??". She thought it was just a coincidence as a baby can say anything without a meaning. She asked "What??" in shock. But he asked "Why??" repeatedly this time like a question. Her mother was in a dilemma whether to be happy for him saying his first word or feel sad for why he said the answer. She started crying as she thought it was her own mistake that she didn't take her responsibilities as his mother and even didn't treat him as her son for sometime. She hugged him tightly and repeatedly saying "I am Sorry!! It is my fault.." while crying. In a minute, he started patting his mother's head saying "MOM, DON'T CRY. MOM, IT'S OKAY." while being hugged. Hearing this she got relieved from all those regrets she had and cried with relief. Mirai Shiroyuki, his sister peeked inside and shocked seeing him speaking and shouted "Rai-chan Spoke!!!". Her mother sees her and says "Yes, he spoke." with a relieved crying smile.

When Raiya turned seven years old, he had no friends due to his behavior which is different from normal children of his age. He can't make any facial expression and he doesn't really care about it. He hated going to school because school to him is just useless as the academics inside schools are inferior, he runs and exercises a lot to gain stamina and maintain his health, and is satisfied with what he does. One more reason is that, he decided to keep his skills a secret. So, he started to live without any contact to the outer society. Mirai often gets in quarrel with him as she feels envious as he is an unimaginable genius but she is a complete idiot when it comes to academics. She shouts "Why this boring brother got such a gift while I didn't get such skills??" every time the quarrel ends.

Mirai slacks all the time and one day when her final exams got near, she started skimming her books but didn't understand anything in Math and Science. It was night time she shouted "Why can't I understand this??" and throws the book away and lied down in her bed giving up. Awoken up from sleep and seeing this, Raiya said her "It is not the fault of the book that you can't understand. Give your books more respect". Raiya replied angrily "I know and I don't want you to say that to me. Even you throw your books after you read.". "Shall I help you??" he asked calmly. She replied "Huh?? Why should I require your help??". "Oh then I'll go back to bed. Good Night." he said and while leaving she pulled him over and said "Won't you help me if I didn't ask for your help??". He replied "I won't. I will help you only if you ask me to help me politely.". She did as he told after a long argument. He decided to help her and his help in academics became an interesting course to her. She moreover longed to get his help. Teaching her was one of the great time period to Raiya everyday.

Because of his tutoring got the top grades of the school while the other schoolmates were shocked to see a slacker get top grades. At home when she showed her report to him, "So, you got the top grades." he asked. "Yeah! So what?? Are you jealous??" she replied. He stares at her as if with a plain face as if he wanted something in return. "What are you looking at??" she asked and he replied "Nothing. Let's get to the topic." and while he continued teaching her, she interrupted and said "Thank you for teaching me!!" in a shy manner. "Being shy at your own brother just for thanking, YOU ARE THE MOST TSUNDERE PERSON I'VE EVER SEEN." he replied. "What the heck are you telling to your own sister??" she asked. "But spending time like this is not bad!!" he said and smiled. She took a photo of him and then called her mother and "OH MOMMY, RAI-CHAN SMILED FOR THE FIRST TIME JUST NOW." she shouted. Her mother came with tears so fast from her work just to see his smile. That was the first time he smiled after all.

CHAPTER 2: Raiya gets to know about the cruel world.

Offline Action Animation

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Re: This is part of one of my superheroes' story inside my franchise.
« Reply #1 on: March 13, 2021, 08:58:31 AM »
Sorry I'm sad to say I'm not too keen on mistakes or narrative errors I am more focused on the plot/consistency of stories
if that's all right, would me to make a full review?
– Action

Offline JGun8494

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Re: This is part of one of my superheroes' story inside my franchise.
« Reply #2 on: March 15, 2021, 12:11:55 AM »
Yeah!! Go on I am listening. :D :D

Offline Action Animation

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Re: This is part of one of my superheroes' story inside my franchise.
« Reply #3 on: March 15, 2021, 02:03:49 AM »
apologies i sent that reply without checking the spoiler tab and now I do have some suggestions ^^

it seems your story above is a mix of outline/narrative. both seem to switch very quickly

+
"When Raiya turned seven years old, he had no friends due to his behavior which is different from normal children of his age. He can't make any facial expression and he doesn't really care about it. He hated going to school because school to him is just useless as the academics inside schools are inferior, he runs and exercises a lot to gain stamina and maintain his health, and is satisfied with what he does. One more reason is that, he decided to keep his skills a secret. So, he started to live without any contact to the outer society. Mirai often gets in quarrel with him as she feels envious as he is an unimaginable genius but she is a complete idiot when it comes to academics. She shouts "Why this boring brother got such a gift while I didn't get such skills??" every time the quarrel ends"   
+

this here is a key example, for one bit you skim the story briefing us on Raiya personality then come to a sudden halt when the actual story comes into play

it makes the story very hard to follow and extremely jarring. Although i can tell you have a lot of ideas and judging by the pace and style you want to get to the meat of the story ASAP, which I and many others here can relate to

but the job of a writer is to pace our work and give details that allow the reader to visualize your story and become a part of it

here is a example

+
Inside the research laboratory:
"God, a success after a long time." the assistant scientist says with a relieving look in the face.
+
be it a script for someone to draw or a novel its still important to give us a little context then just "research laboratory"
so here would be a basic example, although I recommend not following my example exactly since novel format is not my forte, its just to give a idea ^^

the smell of chemicals hung in the air as an excited scientist paced around the edges of his laboratory. the room was packed with machines and beakers each filled with unknown liquids and experiments

this small example gives your readers a layout of the area, allowing them to settle in and witness where the story takes place

a decent way to start (till you find your own rythem) is to describe the area any time the location changes, especially if the characters preform any actions or dialogue

this next bit is subjective to my own preference, so do keep that in mind

but i find part where the story drops exposition of a character to be rather distracting

+

When Raiya turned seven years old, he had no friends due to his behavior which is different from normal children of his age. He can't make any facial expression and he doesn't really care about it. He hated going to school because school to him is just useless as the academics inside schools are inferior, he runs and exercises a lot to gain stamina and maintain his health, and is satisfied with what he does.
+
 
im sure you have heard of the saying
"show don't tell"

instead of dropping this exposition onto the reader, you could instead show it
set up a location of Raiya being alone being either mean or perhaps avoidant of people

then perhaps someone tries to talk/be very nice to him and Raiya does not know what to do and the person gets angry/annoyed/both
or something

then we can get the idea that Raiya has trouble making friends and during the story we see he cannot make any facial expressions and learn that he is unable too

but if you must get that stuff down quickly then it might help if someone is talking about Raiya to another person perhaps a teacher? or someone of note?
that way the description above can be given more organically

so on and so forth

and finally it would help to figure what kind of Narrative structure you want for the story 

1st person. when we are in the head of a single character hearing their thoughts while others around them are a mystery
ever read goosebumps by R.L Stine? or any book that focuses on the words "I" and "me" or "we" 
   
3rd person. when we focus on multiple characters, which you can dive into each of their minds and read out their thoughts or just ones you select
 
harry potter is a good example of this style or any book that focuses on the words "he," "she," "it," or "they"     

and that's about it for suggestions if you have any questions or if you need me to clear up something let me know ^^
-Action
« Last Edit: March 15, 2021, 02:19:55 AM by Action Animation »

Offline JGun8494

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Re: This is part of one of my superheroes' story inside my franchise.
« Reply #4 on: March 15, 2021, 04:24:38 AM »
It seems you are absolutely right... I felt that reading my story seems dry in opposite to what I've visualized but I didn't know how to bring it. Showing our visualization in our written work as you suggested looks great idea. I will post the story again after editing. Thanks a lot for your help.  :thumbsup: :thumbsup:

Offline JGun8494

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Re: This is part of one of my superheroes' story inside my franchise.
« Reply #5 on: March 30, 2021, 03:37:01 AM »
I had a lot of thinking and I tried it a lot of time but it is hard to be a manga writer especially not with my story as it has things which cannot be interpreted by just writing because each person has each perspective views on what I write. So I decided to make arts of it so as to make it more understandable. Of course I have experience in drawing 2D-3D art but you can't expect a manga artist from me as my hands are a bit shaky recently. But I have a motive to publish my story as a manga for sure. I just don't want what I thought all these days just to go to waste.

Offline Coryn

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Re: This is part of one of my superheroes' story inside my franchise.
« Reply #6 on: March 30, 2021, 02:06:09 PM »
Good luck with the change of direction! Remember though that people having different interpretations of your work isn't necessarily a bad thing. It can definitely be frustrating as an author, but we can only do our best to convey our own thoughts. Often times someone else will take it and find something that you never intended, but at the same time enriches the experience of the reader. It's like having a child. You can do your best to raise them right, but eventually they have to make their own way in the world.

Will review stories upon request. My latest arc: http://goo.gl/KYgsfF

Offline Suuper-san

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Re: This is part of one of my superheroes' story inside my franchise.
« Reply #7 on: March 30, 2021, 03:14:34 PM »
Quote
It's like having a child.
Well that's both delightful and fear-inducing if ever I heard a parallel :P
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Offline JGun8494

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Re: This is part of one of my superheroes' story inside my franchise.
« Reply #8 on: April 02, 2021, 02:10:19 PM »
It is not like that. The way I think about a story contains stuffs such as cinematography and view stuff. So it is best to show it in art rather than writing it.

Offline Action Animation

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Re: This is part of one of my superheroes' story inside my franchise.
« Reply #9 on: April 27, 2021, 08:29:11 PM »
It is not like that. The way I think about a story contains stuffs such as cinematography and view stuff. So it is best to show it in art rather than writing it.

Personally it is your call but there are ways to tweak your writing to explain it more as a stage play or a script^^
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