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Author Topic: Criticism and comments needed  (Read 681 times)

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Offline Megane

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Criticism and comments needed
« on: March 03, 2021, 05:44:57 PM »
the story starts with ami yuuta  ami was administrated to a hospital where she was chubby, normal girl with normal hair. she was comforted by her mother and given a good luck charm or a four leaf clover.she got scared when they brought a chemotherapy IV Drip with radical sign on it. |she refused at first to get the drip but her mother came to comfort her and signed papers and got out.she lost hair drastically and became skinny. she was comforted by her mother one last time where it shows loving emotion of her mother to her daughter.the girl was sent to ER where they did a surgery on her and the doctor came out of the ER with a normal face and gave them a thumbs up her mother cried in tears with a happy face.
The end...

this is supposed to be a silent manga

Offline KeanFox

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Re: Criticism and comments needed
« Reply #1 on: March 04, 2021, 07:22:03 AM »
To be honest, reading it I was expecting an Isekai twist.

For Criticism.
I see nothing drastically wrong with it. It's straightforward.

Offline MK

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Re: Criticism and comments needed
« Reply #2 on: March 05, 2021, 11:47:37 PM »
The story needs more substance at the start, the audience needs to build a connection with the mc to have a strong emotional effect on them.  The first part should delve into Ami's life and some of her daily activities.

You mentioned that she is chubby, that is something that you could add more onto.  When she wakes up she could be looking in the mirror in disappointment or depression.  Many people often reflect on how they see themselves.  Another question would be is she bullied for her looks, if she is then that could compound more on how she feels when she comes back home.

How does she find out that she has cancer?  Usually people only go to the doctor if they feel sick or someone close thinks they are sick.  Does someone find her passed out like a teacher or family/friend? (If she is bullied then she might not have friends)

Once you have the news then there should be a focus on her internal feelings when she is alone to think about what she just heard.  Also considering the other things I mentioned, would she feel as if life isn't fair.  Someone who is already in that downward spiral of emotions would think about suicide.  If you want it to turn into a happy story then the character needs to find some inner strength to live on.  Sometimes it's family/friends but other times it's pure instinct when they try an attempt, basically the will to survive even if it is painful.

When they overcome all these things then we can add in the resolution of going through the process of cancer treatment.  Don't just skip to when she is recovering.  To get the true feeling it would be things slowly being added on that makes it more for her to overcome.  The first time the iv is put in he arm to becoming paler due to being inside/sick as you're basically killing your body to get rid of the cancer.  Then you got the hair loss and this is when she should again look at herself in the mirror.  Reflect on her thoughts, her doubts, her fears of death, the pain of being awake.  All those feelings for life.

The recovery, this is where the character has overcome the cancer.  She escaped death and now wants to live a more full life.  All this time being in the hospital she still needs to return to school.  The teachers most likely will have a surprise welcome back/congratulations on recovery even if the class itself might not be the friendliest they still would be a part of it.  Then with the reoccurring theme, you could have her look in the mirror fully recovered and maybe with a little time skip included with longer hair.

As you can tell I put in several different ideas to really extend the writing and how it feels like everything in the world is working against her versus finding out she has cancer and has to undergo treatment.  There could be other routes, like if she wasn't bullied/depressed before cancer then a the focus would be on regret of not doing enough in life and unfairness of how she wouldn't be able to live through events such as marriage.

I hope that this serves as a good example of sending an audience through a rollercoaster of emotions and that you keep writing more.