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Author Topic: Zinegarth (Story hoping to draw)  (Read 759 times)

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Offline KeanFox

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Zinegarth (Story hoping to draw)
« on: December 03, 2020, 07:38:45 PM »
Zingarth Extravaganza is a shonen fantasy adventure story. My goal is to draw 60-100 pages first chapter.
Here we have a world, characters, summaries etc that hopefully give a general idea of what's the story about. I'll add more concept art when I have time to draw.

I'm open to anything, feedback, suggestions, noting off the table. Even If you ask how it ends, If I know I'll answer it.   
I want to know is the story making sense.

I'm aware of my grammar shortcomings. If someone willing to helps make it readable for English readers for $5. It's around 2000 words

There is a TLDR section in the back for the skim readers.

World backstory

Zingarth Extravaganza
The story takes place on a planet called Methra. In its skies, there is a heavenly object called the Zindisk. It radiates Zin energy. Those who learn how to harness it gain control over its aspects.

So, on Methra there is a thing in the sky that gives everyone powers.
Everyone on Methra can learn to control zin energy.

A group of scholars called the Coelux society dedicated their life to observing and deciphering the Zindisk secrets. They discovered a cosmic event. Every couple hundred millennia, a piece of the Zindisk break off and goes flying into space like a comet. 

What started as a handful of scholars in an observatory. Over the years turned into a bustling city. The whole city is a mega-machine built for the sole purpose of guiding the Zindisk shard safely into Methra then securing the shard inside the machine

Everyone thought of the Coelux society as a bunch of kooks. Until the day it happened. 

The Coelux succeeded in guiding the shard into their city. They declared only themselves be allowed to study and observed the shard up close. Altho they are open to sharing the knowledge.

Lucky for everyone else.
The presence of the shard can be felt throughout Methar. Like a pulse wave. People who learned how to attune their body to the shard wave increased their abilities tenfold.
In one nation people built machines that can be attuned to the shard wave to perform Zin abilities.

Fast a few years forward. It is a new world. Mega machines doing the unthinkable. People that can do fantastical things. Cities sprouting everywhere. The world is ruled by three nations. The Coelux society in their unpenetrable city closed on itself. Nothing gets in or out.
Espionage attempts by the three nations failed.

The world is dependent on shared energy. A couple of shard blackouts where the shard wave goes dim. The Coelux was accused of brewing something sinister. The nation demanded the control of shard must be shared between the Nations. The Coelux responds with radio silence, igniting the war. What started as three nations against the Coelux, fastly devolved into an all-out war between the Nations to get control of the Shared first. Coelux used the power of the shard, crippling the armies descending at their borders, destroying themselves in the process. The shard was lost.

The aftermath
In the aftermath. With the shard lost. Every piece of machinery attuned to the shard stopped working. People fought over what little they had left. It would have been endless fighting until no one left standing. Until a man named Luces managed to unite the nations. To prevent a war from happens again. A pact made. To never let anyone get a hold of the shard ever again. Coelux members and anyone that can attune to shard or hold the shard knowledge be hunted down and killed on the spot. An organization called LucesPax formed from what left of the nation's armies To keep the pact.

That's the world backstory.

80 to 50 Years Later
No one has seen a Coelux member for the last XX years.
Some got hunted down and killed. Someone went undercover. Some got displaced in time and space by the Coelux elders as last resort to save them.

A hint of the past world exists. Like machines and such.

Part of the people prefers living in small villages. Part live in the thriving three nations capitals.

LucesPax is worldwide and is involved in every aspect of everyday life. With a newly open recruiting wing.

Ha! Gotcha! its a magic school story

Young people join the Pax. Among them, our main characters. Each with their reasons. Mainly to do the right thing. As they go on missions. They find that the "right thing" is not easily defined. They might have to take matters on their own.

The main characters short descriptions

Donna is an apprentice alchemist working in a shop in a rural village.
The shop is run by her and her teacher name Shaull. who adopted her and taught her the trade. One day Shaull goes missing. Rampaging through his stuff she finds that he used to be a member of the Pax. Hard to believe because he showed detest for them. She takes a journey to the PaxHQ to try to find him.

Shaull backstory
Doona's grandfather was on the run for being suspected of hiding shard info. Shaull and his squadmates are the ones that found and killed him. Not knowing that Doona and her twin in the next room. They put the twins in an orphanage and vow to never speak of it.

Shaull rekt with guilt. Faked his death. Gose back and adopt Doona.
The reason he missing because he heard someone killing his old squadmates. So he goes to stop him. I'm thinking it's an evil twin.

I was told sounds like the plot of the show Monster. I didn't watch it tho

When Krev was young. His father forced Krev and his little brother Kerro into experimentation intended to unleash shard powers in them.
The younger brother showed promising potential so the father but the brunt of the experiments on him. While belittling Krev for being weak.
To protect his little brother, Krev planned to escape with his little brother. But Kerro was weak from the experiments causing him to get sick and die while on the run. Krev lives with guilt daily.
While living as a homeless punk, he runs into Doona. Tag along and eventually join the PaX

Krev wants to never see his father again. But that's a demon he as to defeat on day.

His father is on the Pax wanted list. Like a ghost, leaving a trail of botched experiments in his wake.

Yolce Q R-U011
Born and raised in a mining/detention camp. Where the detainees were forced to mines essential mineral used in zin energy shielding. Long exposure to that mineral causes loss in the ability to control zin energy and other health problems. That's why Yolce and all the detainees don't have powers. The guards kill Yolce's father in front of him causing him to unlock his shard power. He ends up joining the PaX.

This is where I see the story going
Donna, Yolce, and Krev meet at the pax training camp and become close friends. At the camp, they get trained to be part of the pax. Later they go on small missions. Start easy fun and games. Then get put into weird situations where they have to make hard decisions.

The three main characters find that one of them(Yolce) have shard powers. The three has to stand by their friend against impossible odds. They have to protect him from her own PaX brethren. Later revealed that Yolce can sense where the lost shard is. His ability to sense it makes him lose his grip on reality. Also having that ability makes him a target for all types of rogue organizations.

First chapter summary
Donna on her way to the PaX HQ. It's her first time out of her village. wide-eyed and filled with wonderment she gets pickpocketed by Krev. She gives chase till she corners him in an alley. Turn out It a trap!!. As a part of his initiation to this gang. Krev was asked to lure someone to be mugged, robbed, etc Krev feels bad about it, tries to help Donna escape but gets caught and beat up badly. They managed to defeat the gang but Donna loses all of her stuff. Even her train ticket. Krev insists on tagging along and the journey starts.

General info and summaries

What's the Zindisk?
Zindisk is a coin-shaped heavenly object. stationed in place at the edge of the solar system. Does not rotate on itself or revolve around the sun. Divided into sections each representing one aspect of Zin. each aspect has a symbol carved on the Zindisk surface. Zindisk can be seen clearly at night in Methra. 

People of Methar have an extra organ that stores Zin energy. With training, the base zin energy can be turned into the ten aspects of zin.
There is no affinity to any type of power. people chose what they want to learn and master.

What are the aspects of zin?
Zinergy: base zin energy
Glyph: Controlling the zin by writing the Glyphs.
Nature: Elementals of nature. Fire, water, earth, etc
Harmony: Using zin energy to restore, purify, and heal. Harmonics is a sub-part of it that involves using sounds.
Physical: Body enhancement and modification
Mental: Mind powers. Mind control, telepathy, and such.
Alchemy: Using zin energy to blend, fuse, and divide components
Necro: Controlling cadavers, animating constructs
Space: Controlling space and dimension
Time: Controlling time

The Glyphs
Every power type has a corresponding glyph. When a glyph is drawn and imbued with zin it activates. When you put zin in a fire glyph you get fire.

There is a glyph for every power type. Numbers glyphs, commands glyphs. People still discovering new glyphs
Gets advanced when combining glyphs. Combination of fire, time, and numbers glyphs you get delayed activation of that glyph. Useful timer compo called the ticking glyph.
Ice glyph in a box that's a refrigerator. Add air glyph to that, you get an air conditioner, and so on.
The drawback is that if you want that refrigerator you gonna have to keep putting your zin energy in it to keep it running.

Someone might use a space glyph to call you from afar just to ask. Is your refrigerator running?
Will yes indeed my good sir. Someone animated it with necro glyph. 

There is a Zindisk in the sky, which is the source of all powers.
A group of scholars called the Coelux society summons a shard of the Zindisk to earth.
Now the Shard is a source of infinite power that anyone on the planet can tap into.
People fight over it. Death and destruction. The shard is lost.
In the aftermath, the nations made a pact, and an organization to keep it
A pact to stop anyone from finding the shard. Using shard powers is forbidden. Coelux to be killed on site.
Most of the Coelux are killed. Scattered to the winds, living undercover. Hunted down
A couple of years later the organization is worldwide and in control. Like a world "police"
The main characters join the initiate program that trains young people to be part of the organization
The three main characters become close. One of them turns up to have shard powers, with the ability to sense where the Shard is.

« Last Edit: February 24, 2021, 02:59:42 AM by KeanFox »

Offline NO1SY

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Re: Zingarth (Story hoping to draw)
« Reply #1 on: December 04, 2020, 09:59:36 AM »
Heya KeanFox!

Been a while since I have looked at new story ideas here, and I usually avoid doing so until there is an actual chapter written, but you've put a lot of effort into planning this out so I wanted to offer a few comments.

First off, I absolutely love the artwork you have posted here, the first 2 pictures in particular really drew me in (I could imagine hanging them on my wall!)

I also really like the look of your magic system. I'm rather partial to glyph/rune-based magics, and I think the method of combining glyphs for varied effects is pretty neat. It also allows you to scale your characters' magic powers in a steady and structured way throughout the story - they can start with learning basic glyphs, then some more complex ones and some minor combinations, and then they can start combining them in more and more creative ways to produce greater effects. Moreover, the magic seems fairly well tied into the world building, which is always better than having a magic system that arbitrarily sits on top and separate from the actual world. It gives an added element of discovery to your story: characters can re-discover how to power up some of the old machines that remain in the world from the past, which can be far more complex and high tech than anything that was allowed to survive to the present day in your world - so a great opportunity for treasure hunting plots and powerful artifacts etc.

Your backstory seems solid enough, with no major holes that I think would need patching. Nothing ground-breaking, but not bland either. It sets a solid foundation for the state of the present day world, which is really what you want from it. A recommendation I do have however, is to write out some short stories from the Coelux Society, and flesh out some of their discoveries. And also some short stories from the war between the nations. Then populate your world with these stories so that your characters can encounter them. It will make your world feel like it has been living and breathing for all of those centuries prior to the present day story.

Lastly, I think you will need to expand on planning for your present day story a little. At minimum I would suggest creating a much larger cast of side characters - such as teachers, friends, aquaintances and rivals; the various faction leaders and several faction agents; and then also major and minor antagonists. You should try to work out a general personality, motivation and short/long term goals for each of them so that when they populate your world, even if they aren't the focus of your plot, your story feels rich and lively - otherwise you risk everything feeling flat...

Also, I feel like fleshing out better plans for character arcs for each of your main characters is important, or at least having a better idea of what story your characters are going to play a role in shaping. Being "put in weird situations" is very vague and I feel that you will struggle to generate a compelling narrative with this as the foundation. I recommend:
- Give each character a goal that will motivate them to take specific actions throughout the plot of your story: i.e. "What does your character want?"
- Come up with some hurdles that the character must overcome to reach those goals: "i.e. "Why can your character not have what they want?" - Think more along the lines of a character flaw or a tie to the past or a lack of strength etc. These are different to random challenging situations the characters may find themselves in, which do not progress the character narratives very well but can be used as one off learning opportunities to facilitate the next point:
- Come up with a story arc that will develop the character so that they can conquer the hurdles and achieve their goals: i.e. "What is your character doing to get what they want?"

Magic school settings are fairly solid blank canvases for a broad range of storytelling opportunities, and situated in a well conceived world such as yours I think that there is a good foundation for a really compelling story here. I look forward to seeing you pull it off.

P.S. If I have time I can proof-read a bit for free once you have a draft of some chapters written.
« Last Edit: December 04, 2020, 07:36:10 PM by NO1SY »

Offline KeanFox

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Re: Zingarth (Story hoping to draw)
« Reply #2 on: December 09, 2020, 01:59:54 AM »
Thank you! NO1SY Your comment is more than I hoped for. Very helpful tips and feedback. And thanks for the offer, really appreciate it.
Thank you for liking the drawings. All this will give a push and a boost for the coming posts

The chapter won't be as text-heavy because I plan to post a drawn rough storyboard draft. 

From here concepts and summaries might take a while depends on how 2021 treat us

Offline KeanFox

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Re: Zinegarth (Story hoping to draw)
« Reply #3 on: February 24, 2021, 07:23:55 AM »

The Zindisk is a big part of the story at the same time it's a passive one. Just celestial body in outer space, minding its own business. Just happens that it radiates energy that gives people powers.

Here is one of the drawings I made of the Zindisk. I feel a drawing will get the idea across.
General info related to the Zindisk. known by many names. Cosm peak. Its ancient, origin unknown.
Its believed that the Zindisk seeded life on the Methra. But those just theories.

People of Methra are more active during the night. Because of Zindisk, the night takes a life of its own. All sorts of fluorescent flora and fauna thrive on zin energy become active at night. If you are one of those adventurers who trying to get work done you better be up all night.

The seasons are determined based on how far or close Methra to the Zindisk. Methra distance to the Zindisk affects people's powers levels. (Might be interesting, people have less/more powers during certain times of the year. Idk)

Online Suuper-san

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Re: Zinegarth (Story hoping to draw)
« Reply #4 on: February 24, 2021, 01:09:41 PM »
I like it, very cosmic item feeling!
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