Nuuu please don't even hint at how a manga ends. That synopsis was a bit too revealing for my tastes. A title drop was enough: Definitely going to check it out. Ane Doki. Good stuff.
Also Anzu really did tug at my heart strings. Definitely remember this story. You should get an illustrator for it dude and publish it for sure. I also hope to eventually read the entirety of Death By Girlfriends
1.
It was a beautiful Sunday morning in Sapporo, or at least it was for all but one man who stayed in his apartment and didn't even bother to open the blinds after waking up. That sorry, sorry man is Giuseppe Himura. If you were to look upon his frizzy, curly mess of a hairstyle, you'd weep for his lack of care and grooming. If you were to look into his dark, baggy eyes, you'd cry out in agony for his criminally poor sleeping habits. If you were to look through his closet, only to find shirts and shorts, you'd scream in anger for his savagely disgusting sense of fashion. The truth is, Giuseppe is just a normal, working man like everyone else. And today, he had no reason to be happy. He promised to visit his father today, early in the morning. In prison.
- Forum formatting is hard, but for such a great opening the mush of words together doesn't do it favours. It feels like 3 (good) paragraphs put together in one bunch. Otherwise I relate to you, Giuseppe-san.
-What does his name mean anyways?
2. And so, Giuseppe bitterly arose from his bed like a corpse from its coffin.
- Hm. I get the imagery but it feels wordy for some reason? I'd prefer even an ironic voice that said 'The corpse named Giuseppe rose from its bed' or 'The bitter man rose from his coffin' or something alone those lines. If anything, I heard that the rule of thumb for good writing is avoiding as many words that end with '-ly' as possible. So yes.
3. He dragged his fat into the bathroom in his zombified, half-asleep state.
- After 'corpse' I was totally convinced that the man was tired as heck and was not in the mood for waking up haha. I mention this critique only because you wanted to mention colour more, but this hinders the first colour 'cyan' that shows up in the story. Cut the waking up moodiness short so that the light shows more?
4. Sharp, radiant beams of cyan light sliced through the gaps in his closed blinds, shining upon his pale face in stripes.
-Always loved seeing such scenes in anime haha
5. He turned on the faucet and gathered a pool of ice-cold water in his hands, splashing his face with it. He repeated this a few times before drying himself off. He look in his mirror for just a split second, only to flinch and recoil at what he saw staring back at him. He continued his daily routine of brushing his teeth and other general grooming practices with same amount of dejected autonomy. When he was cleaned up enough to look presentable, he threw on some clothes, a white, long-sleeved shirt and black pants, and grabbed his car keys.
-Formatting funk here like the opening paragraph again. Great wording, but I feel like it's blocked up without pause or timing.
6. Giuseppe drove all the way out to the prison for what amounted to a forty-five minute drive.
- I don't understand this sentence?
7. The scenery of Sapporo may as well have been a greyscale void to him. The various antique shops, cafes, and high-rise corporate offices all blended themselves into a fuzzy, abstract painting. Usually, he could at least enjoy a nice, quiet drive, but today was just not the day.
-Nicely done. Would be even cooler with descriptions of what Sapporo should be like or even the kind of car Giuseppe drives. Is it a sports car? A rental? Something with an interesting colour? It'd make me relate to his lost hobby of driving.
8. He felt like a ghost as he exited the car and went through the prison's front office, dealing with more of the soul-sucking bureaucracy of the prison staff.
- For one thing, after the metaphors of corpses and death and abstracts the word 'ghost' feels like a weak description. But mainly saying 'He felt like' feels different from the original narrative voice that was saying matter-of-factly what Giusseppe was like.
9.
When he got in and sat down behind the glass barrier between him and his father, he immediately wanted to get out. His father's face face was scarred with wrinkles.
*one face
10. His hair was straight and neat unlike his son's, and it was kept at a short length. He was a fairly muscular man with a gentle smile that betrayed the darker impulses that landed him in prison to begin with.
-It feels a bit spoilerish that I know that this gentle-looking father is actually someone who did something bad. Leave that tid-bit of 'darker impulses' for later maybe?
11. "Hey." Giuseppe said in a flat tone. "How are you holding up?"
12.Nori Himura, Giuseppe's father, smiled at his son. "I'm doing alright. What about you?"
- Name should've been introduced earlier methinks.
13. Nori sighed. "Well, you know, friends will help you get through tough times in life. It's always good to have some friends. You should go out more. You're young, you're handsome, and you've got your whole life ahead of you still. Twenty-two years old is the prime of a man's life, my son."
"Look, please stop calling me that. I hate it when you call me your son."
- It feels too wordy for such emotionally charged scene. For one the father sounds super old by enunciating every word. Along with Giuseppes' sentence. I try to imagine it in a scene and it comes off as if he's explaining his feeling to an audience rather than telling his father off.
14. "Just....just promise me you'll make some friends, okay? Just go out into the world. Laugh, cry, get angry, get jealous, fall in love, accomplish your dreams. Don't let my mistakes stop you from being you."
- 100% wish my dad said this to me haha.
15. "I understand." Nori said. "There's no need to rush. Someday, you'll find the strength to go see her again. Once you do, you might be able to see the world in a whole different light."
- I like how the narrator in this case doesn't reveal any more than the dialogue. It makes me as a reader ask 'who is 'she'?' It makes me try to come up with the expressions that father and son are having. I'm confident that they are not positive expressions, but it still leaves a lot of room for imagination.
16.
Giuseppe left the prison, happy he no longer had to look his father in the eye. Every visitation seemed to yield the same conversation, to which Giuseppe would always provide the same answers. It had been that way for more than a year. Every conversation followed the same loop, a loop that only made him more aware of the cyclical nature of his everyday life. Work, eat, sleep, and do it all over again.
- This cheapens the actual moment as it happened. I feel like this should've been mentioned before the visit, or just left out so that we see the interaction between father and son undiluted without commentary.
17. Giuseppe returned home and spent most of the day watching T.V., attempting and failing at continuing his attempts to learn how to draw, and listening to the 70's hard rock records his mother had given him when he was twelve.
- What TV did he watch? Was it news? What is '70s hard rock'? I as a reader would sure as heck love to know what he listened to just for fun. (Just googled and i'm listening to Strutter by KISS. Fun track!)
18. Even though they had his mother in them, he didn't believe his father deserved a place in his home.
- I understand what you were trying to show here, but this feels like a wordier version of 'He only had the family photos because his mother was in them' or 'He only liked the photos because his mother smiled around his father'. If anything, if Giuseppe dislikes his father so much, I would like to at least see some conflict or understand explicitly why he wouldn't cut his father out of every photograph.
19. He began taking the photos and ripping him out of them, putting the ripped sections into the garbage. When his fit of resentment subsided, he grabbed his phone and keys and took out the garbage.
- Oh gawd. Ignore my first comment.
- Anyhow this is a scene that warrants more attention than described. It's way too short and explanatory. More action, less description methinks.
20. The sun was close to setting. Even someone as miserable as Giuseppe could see that despite the negative events of the day, it was still a beautiful day, and beautiful days, in his mind, deserved walks. And so he walked, and walked, and walked. Through the busy Sapporo streets and into the more quiet and secluded areas of the neighborhood.
- Wait does Sapporo have quiet and secluded areas?
- Can totally appreciate the good feel of taking a fantastic walk.
21. "What kind of father tries to say sorry after all these years for what he's done?" Giuseppe murmured, using nature as his confessional. "I can't wait until he's put down."
- Harsh
22. He had walked into a jagged, hilly area covered with meadows of flowers and yellow dandelions.
- I think it'd be better to mention 2 random flower names rather than 'flowers and yellow dandelions'
23. "Is that a church? Hmm...Well, I'm all the way out here, may as well check it out. At the very worst, it will be a messy building. At best, I'll get to sit alone in church like I used to do."
- Interesting best-worse scenario there, sir.
24. There were pristine statues of the Virgin Mary, of child angels, a Pieta replica, and high, vaulted ceilings bearing the faded Renaissance artwork of Jesus, Saint Paul, and other religious figures. The pews were separated by a long red rug that led all the way down to the podium. Behind the podium was a large statue of Jesus nailed to the cross, and an organ that sat facing the podium.
- Great description. I just feel like the colour/texture of the building is missing. Is it gray marble or brown stone?
25. The church itself was wide, with plenty of space between the walls. It looked as if the church could hold about several hundred people at once. The floor was messy, as some bits of the roof had fallen off. Being abandoned, this was never cleaned up. There were some plastic sheets draped in the back section of the church, as well as some crucifixes and other religious ornaments next to the podium.
- Wait this feels redundant after Giuseppe explicitly stated how he thought about the church?
26. Giuseppe liked this building.
- I guessed haha.
27. Giuseppe lowered his butt on the seat, only to find he had rudely sat on what looked like a diary.
- 'Lowering your butt on a seat' feels like a roundabout way to say 'took a seat' If I try to imagine this sentence in manga terms, then i'd see a 3 panels where a character raises their butt, then there is a closeup on the butt as it zooms in / lowers onto the camera. It would look interesting yes, but feels inappropriate to mention/depict in this context
28. "Anzu's diary, do not steal?" Giuseppe said, reading the lazily scribbled title of the diary. "Who's Anzu?"
- Rule 1 of writing diaries: Do not mention that people should not steal them haha
29. Realizing he had just cursed in a church, and on a Sunday, no less, Giuseppe slapped his hand over his mouth.
"Wow, cursing on a church on a Sunday? Man, you're pathetic!" Anzu scorned.
- Damn Giuseppe, not even a villain would do that.
30. "Well, I'm certainly dead inside if that's what you mean."
- Hahaha
31. Anzu turned around to think, turned around again, and delivered a swift and mighty kick to Giuseppe's testicles.
- WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
He fought very hard not to cry out in pain, but spoke in a high pitched voice because of the kick.
-Felt much too long of a description for the immediate pain of being kicked in the balls. It's like saying: 'George was shot in the knee' and then saying 'Because of the pain of the bullet, George fell to the ground and grabbed his knee and cried out in pain'. The reader knows how serious the event was, so describing the after effects rather than showing the after effects feels weak.
32. "Why did you do that?!?!?"
"I'm so confused...you actually felt that?" Anzu questioned, her head slightly tilted to the side.
- Evil. Anzu-chan is evil
33. Anzu let off a suggestive gesture, which seemed as if she was stroking two phallic objects in the air.
- I can't imagine the gesture at all? Is it like she's jerking off two 'phallic objects' or... ?
-also lol
34. "Are you trying to pull a fast one on me or something? This isn't Yotsuya Kaidan." Giuseppe said.
- Just googled this. Will definitely look into it!
35. "Ugh!" Anzu groaned. "Just forget it! How did you even end up here anyway? Nobody's come up here, ever!"
"Well, I uh...I just kinda took a walk, made some turns, and then whoosh! I was here all of a sudden. Haha, funny right?"
- Indeed. One would suspect that it was perhaps... fate.
36. "More like pathetic."
- Or pathetic. Jeez, Anzu is harsh.
37."Right...ghosts..." Giuseppe sighed, seeing the young girl was insistent on keeping her ghost story going.
- Giuseppe I can relate but no seriously she's a ghost.
38. "It's a pleasure to meet you too, Giuseppe. Sorry about tackling you earlier. I just don't like it when people touch my stuff."
- Wait how can you touch him when he shouldn't be able to see you? Anzu-chan is a poltergeist not a ghost! Or wait are there other classifications for that sort of thing haha.
29. "Yeah, I love it!" Anzu smiled. "It's so peaceful, isn't it?"
- Honestly, I'd like to be able to do that too at a point.
30. Giuseppe faked a convincing enough smile. "Ah! Nothing!"
- The 'faked a convincing enough smile' feels too on the nose. The narrator in this story reveals too much sometimes at random, but then also lets the characters act and live out their lives other times. I feel like it'd work better if the narrator had one style of telling the story rather than jumping between the two extremes. I don't know if I'm supposed to know how miserable Giuseppe feels or if I'm supposed to learn about how he feels. Those are two important differences.
31. The two conversed about their interest, their hobbies, and what makes them tick. Neither of them were expecting it, but they had gotten totally lost in pleasant conversation. What should've been a quick, albeit bizarre meeting of two people, turned into several hours of conversation. The sun had fallen and the moon had risen. Moonlight shone through the colored window panels, and the church grew cold and dark.
- Wait wait wait what are Anzus' hobbies? What are Giuseppes' hobbies? What do they like? What makes them tick?
32. "Ah crap! I didn't realize I stayed here so long. I should get going. It was wonderful meeting you, Anzu."
-I really wish I knew what Anzu liked that'd make the depressed Giuseppe say something so open and positive. Especially after their first meeting.
33, "Please?" Anzu begged. "I haven't...I haven't had company in a while."
- Hmmm. Poor Anzu-chan
34. Giuseppe stepped up on the podium, and Anzu brought out a portable lantern to illuminate the area. She laid down two sets of blankets and two pillows for each set. She even had a spare mattress to share with Giuseppe.
- Ah. Never mind. If she can handle lanterns and blankets and pillows then Anzu is powerful enough of a ghost to tackle a human being. Ignore #38
35. "I don't even remember the last time I had a sleepover!" Anzu squirmed with glee.
- Same, same Anzu-chan.
36."I'm serious! Let me follow you around. Watch how people walk right through me! They can't even hear me when I scream!"
- The sad thing is that I bet she's tried that several times.
37. "If you somehow manage to pull that off, I'll bake you brownies. How about that?" Giuseppe offered, feeling pretty confident in his betting luck.
- I have a feeling you'll lose this one, Giuseppe.
38. On their way there, Anzu yelled and screamed at the people walking by, but nobody paid any attention to her. Giuseppe was shocked that nobody would even bat an eye to a screaming girl this early in the morning.
- What did Anzu yell and scream exactly? Did she say words or just go REEEEE. It's an important difference because I'd understand if she's so far gone she just makes humanless screams, but I sort of imagine with her sassy persona she teases the bystanders or something. What is Giuseppe doing exactly during all of this? Is he apologizing? Is he flinching when she screams? Can he hear how loud she is? Does he hide himself?
39. "Why are you such a nonbeliever? I really am dead, Giuseppe." Anzu said. "I guess this means you can worship me now and do stuff like give me food tributes!"
- Haha.
40. And there he had it. No one heard her scream. A woman ran right through her, and the man before him now coudln't even see the seventeen year old girl standing right next to him.
*couldn't
41, "Are you okay? You look like you're about to give birth or something." Anzu said with a worrisome tone.
- Hahahahahahaha
42. Giuseppe tugged at the collar of his shirt, suddenly feeling as though it were strangling him. "You're....you're really dead. Hang on, I need a minute to catch my breath."
- Wait he doesn't at least think he's crazy?
43. "Your breath smells like cocks." Anzu said, pinching her nose.
- Wow hahahaha I forgot how foul mouthed Anzu was.
44. Giuseppe's shock began to turn into sympathy for the young girl. If Anzu truly was a ghost, she died at a mere seventeen years of age. She probably didn't get to experience much in life other than school.
- Yeah that definitely sucks.
45. "All I know is that I awoke in the graveyard next to the church three years ago, and I stayed there ever since. I tried talking to people, but they never even looked at me. I tried singing to people, but they couldn't hear me. I even saw a woman crying in the park once, but she didn't respond when I tried to console her. I realized I was dead, and that nobody cares about me. It's been that way for three years. But the good news is, I met you! And for some reason, you can see me."
- You are a shiningami, Giuseppe.
46. Anzu crossed her arms and gave Giuseppe a sour look. "Oh hey, I have a great idea! Let's just go ahead and let a bunch of strangers touch a seventeen year old girl's diary! Wow, I'm so smart!"
- How did the diary even end up at the church, I wonder? Hmm...
47. It couldn't be more obvious Anzu was insulting Giuseppe.
- Hmmm
48. "No! You'll be a distraction! I still need to grasp the fact that you're not actually alive right now. Feel free to use my T.V., listen to my music, and eat my snacks. Just don't break anything, alright?"
- Giuseppe is a good guy haha.
49. Giuseppe got his suit on, fixed his tie, and headed off for work.
- Wait whats' Giuseppes' job?
50. "Hmm....what's this? Buffalo-Shylock? I hope he won't mind if I play something off of his computer."
- Literally never heard of Buffalo Shylock before. Listening to a song by them now. Damn, 1973. Holy heck this is old... And epic. Gotta love these guitars (Volcanic Rock) .Pure rock.
51. "Oh, hell yes!" Anzu cheered.
- Indeed.
52. Perhaps Anzu took it too far when she began to do an air guitar solo, but for a girl that's been dead, she had never felt so alive.
-It's never taking it too far to do an air guitar.
53. "Ohh...the false ending before it picks up again!" Giuseppe smiled.
When the song picked up again, Anzu rocked her head and jumped on top of the couch. Giuseppe had taken off his tie and shoes and joined her on Mount Sofa, where they sang the final part of the song together.
"Pay me! Oh Shylock! Pay me! Oh Shylock, babe!"
- Haha. Would totally love to see this part animated
54. "Chicken salad is fine if you have potato bread."
"Aha! Even you know that potato bread is the best kind of bread there is! Well done, Anzu."
- Wait a minute... Ghosts can eat food?!
55.
That night blissful, windy night was consummated by nothing more simple and straightforward than chicken salad sandwiches and cheesy horror films on television. Before they knew it, the time to go to sleep again had come. Anzu and Giuseppe took turns brushing their teeth and taking showers, even though Anzu probably didn't have to take showers anymore.
-Does she even need to sleep? Wait can ghosts even go to sleep?
56. Anzu shrugged. "Wouldn't know. Never tried phasing through stuff. I'd be scared of phasing through much more than walls, like falling through the street and finding myself underground, or maybe falling all the way down to the center of the earth!"
- Eh?! But she didn't mind the runner running through her, and she can eat food, and carry pillows and blankets. She's really never tried to phase before?
57. "Is that really okay then? Can I live here?" Anzu asked, her eyes sparkling with hope.
- You know you want to Anzu chaaan
58. Anzu leaped up and spread her arms and legs wide as she landed on Giuseppe's soft and comfortable queen-sized bed and dug herself into the covers.
- Giuseppes' got some good cash monehs to own such a bed haha.
59. "Anzu? Anzu? Wow, she's really sleeping." Giuseppe whispered in astonishment. "Lucky her. I still can't believe she's dead. She's pretty lively for someone who's supposed to be deceased. Though, I wonder. She said she was seventeen, right? What on earth, or who on earth would kill a seventeen year old girl?"
- Just putting this out there, but she could've died of natural causes too, Giuseppe-san
60. It was a beautiful Monday night in Sapporo, especially for Giuseppe Himura. Iff you were to look upon his frizzy, curly mess of a hairstyle, you'd weep for his lack of care and grooming. If you were to look into his dark, baggy eyes, you'd cry out in agony for his criminally poor sleeping habits. If you were to look through his closet, only to find shirts and shorts, you'd scream in anger for his savagely disgusting sense of fashion. The truth is, Giuseppe is just a normal, working man like everyone else. And today, he had every reason to be happy.
Against his best efforts, he had made a friend.
- In the context of the first paragraph this is a great ending to the first.
Haven't thought of Anzu in a long bit. Definitely remember the feels-trip that this story gave me haha.