1UP Manga One-shot

[iver-l]

Hello guys, I'm new to the forum and this is my first post.

I've written this manga one shot called '1UP'

Genre: Science Fiction/Psychological/Action-Adventure/Fantasy

The premise/plot is as follows;

The mind is central to everything we as humans do. It is an eden, one that must be kept free of monsters (Fear, Sadness, Anger and other negative emotions). But what happens when those monsters are allowed to run wild? Friends Rin, Katana and Iko find out when they play the 1UP programme for the first time.

Feel free to have a read of it and let me know what you think!

[Coryn]

An interesting read! (Also: welcome to MR! I moved your topic to a more appropriate board).

The art is really good, and you can out together a fight that's fun to follow with the eye. I did find the setup a bit confusing though. The characters seem to be digital, talk about not being human, and can interact with human minds like they're a video game system. And yet the characters do act fully human, even before they realize that the candy was drugged. All in all who and what they are doesn't read super well.

The dialogue was also pretty heavy. I won't say it's bad, because it wasn't, but your characters are pretty talkative. When you're filling up half the page with dialogue, it's hard on the eye, and really bofs down the otherwise we'll paced action.

Overall though you're doing very well! I hope to see more from you soon!

[iver-l]

thanks for the welcome and the feedback bro!

this is the first thing I've ever written so I'm still learning how to articulate a story in he best way possible. a lot of the stuff I write is quite text heavy so im trying to brush up on that especially coz for manga text isn't necessarily meant to be dense, but at the same time I feel like manga can be a bit diluted text wise.

but im working on some more stuff which I can hopefully share in the forum soon!

[Coryn]

Sounds good!

Dialogue of course is a very subjective thing. You can definitely go heavy on it, but it needs to be in keeping with the theme of the rest of the story. Since you are mixing high action with long speeches, it clashes somewhat. But as you say, we're all still learning here. Good luck on your next endeavor!

[MoonFlame]

Quite good actually, your work is gorgeous.

The Dialogue is indeed a bit heavy, but this can be improved with time, at least you have a lot of story to tell.

The concept is also a breath of fresh air, quite interesting i have to say, keep up the good work. I was a bit confused at the beginning, but isn't so hard to put the pieces together and understand the overall idea.

[Suuper-san]

interesting story and awesome art!
I also thought there was quite a bit of text in some places, but it's very difficult to explain the concept of your story without it being a wall of text, so it's a tough one to get right.
totally looking forward to seeing any more of your art, or any more story :)

[legomaestro]

Really top notch art here iver and an interesting read! Love all the effects, the backgrounds, the characters and panelling. Really interesting concept too! I wish they won in the end or at least had one last dialogue after failing the mission, because for a one shot it felt super abrupt. But I enjoyed it more than got put off by it.

Really nicely done man!

[KohakuRiver]

This is really pretty, I'm sorry I'm not good at critiquing but I like the whole sci fi future aesthetic! :)