April 18, 2024, 03:49:25 AM

------------------------------------------

PLZ READ THIS ALL ACTIVE MEMBERS


------------------------------------------
CLICK Here.

------------------------------------------




Author Topic: Commander. WIP (Place holder title)  (Read 2113 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline swearzy

  • Conspiracy Theorist.
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 855
  • Gender: Male
  • I come with tin foil hats a many!
    • View Profile
Commander. WIP (Place holder title)
« on: August 02, 2015, 02:34:43 PM »
Yet another flavour to the mix. Started writing while watching tv for no apparent reason, turned out better than I thought. I want to keep the chapters short, around 8-900 words.

Chapter one - Men can't fly.
Naim woke to the claxons of his alarm hopping around on the bedside table. Shifting he tapped the top of the device, the claxon died and a short clip played.

"The time is 7:00am, good morning Naim."

Naim groaned and swung his legs off the side of the bed. Looking across the room a pile of boxes stood with his name plastered and the side.

"Glad I'm moving out of this *censored* hole, you'd be proud dad." He grabbed his phone and checked the time again, 7:03. Two messages recieved, one from Shala.

'Hey Naim, I can't wait to see you after all these years. You're lucky to have gotten a place in the acadamy, let alone the dorm next to mine.. haha! Anyway, I'll see you soon bai~ <3'

"Good lord, what trouble am I getting into.." He got up and walked to the bathroom, relieving himself he turned to the basin the cracked mirror jaded his reflection. He was a handsome man with sharp features, sharp eyes and shortly cropped hair. He lent down and washed his hands before splashing his face with the cold water.

The devices on his ears glowed and subtle blue, he ran his fingers of them. A black shroud covered the whole ear, preventing any natural sound entering.

"They said I'd get used to wearing these damned things quickly.. Bloody annoying if anything." Banging errupted from the door.

"I ain't got all day boy! Open the door."

"Oh *censored* I forgot they were coming to take my stuff, Just a second!" Naim ran out of the bathroom and through to the front door. He double checked by looking through the security cam, the man was dressed in blue overalls a scanner was on his belt and he had a trolley with him. A hat covered his face.

Naim slid the dead bolt open, and began to twist the door knob. The man kicked the door in, Naim was swept off his feet landing meters away from the entrance stunned. He walked in over the door checking his corners painting the room with the muzzle of the gun, satisfied he was alone he walked over toward Naim.

"You are Naim right?"

"What's it to you.." Naim croaked as he clutched his side, a rib had snapped.

"Lets just say I got the wrong door on the level below." He pulled a bloodied knife from a sheath on his leg. He licked the blade, pointing the gun at Naim.

"Why, are you here to kill me?"

"Yup its your lucky day" His ear devices started to glow white indicating he was enjoying this moment. The man took a step closer and squat. He tapped the knife on Naims ear pieces and put the gun on his forehead.

"Take them off."

"No, what a stupid question." The man licked his lips and moved the pistol to his shoulder and shot. Naim winced as a hole opened up, blood flowing freely. The slide caught open on the empty magazine lock.

"Woops, It seems I enjoyed myself down stairs hahahaa!"

"*censored* you." Naim rocked up and head butt him, breaking his nose and pushing him off balance. Falling on his arse, he let go of the pistol sliding out of reach. Naim jaunted up and knocked him on his back, grabbing the knife hand he wrestled to get it free. Putting all his weight on the knife, slowly decending to the mans jugular, he managed to slip it to the side. It caught on his ear piece sliding it off, revealing a ghost white ear. The fear in the mans eyes were real now. He lost.

"Stop." Naim smiled as he stood up over the man, the man stopped.

"Get up and bring two chairs." The man as if a trance stood up and collected two chairs and placed them infront of Naim.

"Sit." The man sat, Naim turned the chair around and sat, leaning his arms on the back rest.
"Please let me g-."

"Shut up." The man obeyed and shut his mouth.

"Now, we shall talk. What is your name?" The man looked away but his mouth opened reguardless of what he willed it to do.

"Jon."

"Okay, Jon. Who sent you here?"

"A.. a middle man."

"The name of your contact?"

"Mmmmmmmmathew." Resisted all he could but he gave in to the command.

"And, where will I find this Mathew?"

"At the golden sun." The man sighed and slumped in his chair. A knock came from the hallway. Another man in blue overalls.

"Uhh am I interrupting?"

"No, not at all." Naim got up from his chair and greeted the man, slipped a wad of cash into the mans chest pocket.

"You didn't see anything did you?"

"N..nothing at all sir."

"Fantastic! My boxes are in the next room if you would, please."

"No problem." The man walked over the rubble and collected the boxes and left immidiately.

"Now... what to do with you." Naim looked out toward the balcony. Jons eyes widened like saucers. Naim smirked.

"You can fly right? Once I leave the room you are to fly. Understand?" Im so glad I used false details to rent this place."

Naim went to the bathroom and looked over his shoulder. The wound was clean, he began to stitch the front himself. Using a mirror he managed the back as well. Refreshed he bid his good byes to Jon and left the room with his satchel. He heard faint screaming and an abrupt stop. Taking the elevator down and walked out the door to see ambulances and police cordoning off the front of the apartment building, blending with the crowd he disappeared.



Offline swearzy

  • Conspiracy Theorist.
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 855
  • Gender: Male
  • I come with tin foil hats a many!
    • View Profile
Commander. WIP (Place holder title) Chapter 2 Seeing Double
« Reply #1 on: August 05, 2015, 11:45:54 PM »
Chapter Two - Seeing Double
After the little tussle with the would be assasin Jon, Naim cased out the Golden Sun. After sitting across the road a cafe for the morning he noticed one gentleman sitting by himself, weirdly dressed people would greet him sit down for a few minutes and then leave again.

"Odd.. they must be other muscle for hire. They seem to be in high demand." Naim whispered to the small thumb sized camera. A buzzing sound emitted from his satchel, his cell phone was ringing. He retrieved it and to his utter dismay Shala's caller ID was pasted over the screen.
"... if I miss this..." he rolled his eyes and pressed the green button.

"H..hey" he managed to slip in before a barrage of insults rocked his ear drum.

"WHATEVER DONT JUST HEY ME AFTER NOT ANSWER MY CALLS FOR LIKE THE GAZZILLIONTH TIME" Shalas' barage continued. She got no reply and stopped yelling.

"Have you cooled down now?" Naim asked, Shala sighed heavily.

"Yes. Now.. Where the hell are you? You were supposed to be here like 3 hours ago." It was obvious she was still mad.

"I stopped for breakfast." He said lightly.

"Uhuh, just like you. Your boxes are stacked up outside your dorm room blocking the damn hallway, get your ass here ASAP." She hung up. Naim tossed his phone back in his satchel.

"Two near death experiences in one day.. as if one wasnt enough." He smirked, waving to the waiter for his bill he paid and left leaving the man a tip.

Walking down the street he noticed a homeless man sitting in sight of the Golden Sun. He stopped and pulled a green card out of his wallet.

"Oi old man, that shady looking fella that gets all the strangers at his table. You know when he leaves there?"

"Yeah, but a hunnit credits ain't gonna get whacha wanna know." The man tipped his hat back and looked Naim in the eye.

"Sure what ever hows 500?" Naim replied pulling a red card from his wallet. The old man snatched the cards from his hand.

"They call him Bikkie."

"Pff Bikkie? Really?" Naim laughed

"Yeah, he always has a tin of biscuits with him. No one knows if there is actually any bikkies in there. As I was saying he don't leave the pub, he owns it." The old man put the cards into his jackets pocket.

"Ah I see, thats a bit of a small set back buuut it should work out." Naim rubbed his chin and glanced over at the bar.

"What will?" The old man asked raising his brow.

"Never you mind old man, thanks anyway." Naim turned and walked up the street.

"I ain't old." He whispered. Searching through his box, checking to see where the boy went. Retrieving a cell phone.

"Hey Bikkie, yeah its Tiny expect a visitor ok."

"No worries." Bikkie hung the phone up and a tall man sat down, wearing a feather in his hat.

"A visitor huh? Looks like Im lucky to get the easy job tonight heh."

"Ah, Sliver.. You guessed that right. I want him alive and able to speak, don't *censored* it up or you'll get half a commision." Sliver rolled his eyes and stood up from the table.

"Sure thing...boss." He made his way through the crowded bar and onto the street.

"Naiiiiiiiiim!" Running echoed throughout the building. Looking around Naim couldnt see where she was. He kept close to the wall and peered around the corner, 'Clear' he thought. The running stopped as the hairs on his back stood up. A chill went down his spine, he walked out knowing the the hallway beyond was clear only to be assaulted by a bear hug and a tongue shoved in his mouth.

"Naim what took you so long.." Shala said as she withdrew from her assault.

"I missed you soo much." Naim wiped his face and continued to walk down the hallway, ignoring her.

"Naiim don't ignore me, ok I'm sorry for that but-" She trodded after him grabbing the corner of his shirt.

"But what? You can't just do what ever you want." Rounding the the next corner he saw the boxes stacked infront of his room.

"I said I was sorry.." She slid her hands around his waist and hugged him tightly, exagerating her womanly features.

"Please.. forgive me? She buried her face in his back and sniffled. Naim heaved a heavy sigh.

"Fine I forgive you, but you are forbidden from coming into my room." He slid out of her grasp and shut the door, sliding the dead bolt across.

"O...ok well I will see you tomorrow then." The sound dulled coming through the locked entrance. Steps trailed off and A door shut heavily in the next apartment.

"I'm gonna need more locks.." He pulled his wallet clear of his satchel and looked at the photo contained within.

"Ahhh now you've done it.." Naim wiped his face, tossing his wallet on the floor landing open. The picture was of Naim a few years earlier in between indenticle twins.

"I know she trys her hardest but she can't replace you." He took a sleeping tablet and fell asleep leaning on the door
« Last Edit: August 06, 2015, 08:34:04 AM by swearzy »

Offline a

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 657
  • Gender: Male
  • Does the censor work here? *censored*, *censored*? Ok?
    • View Profile
Re: Commander. WIP (Place holder title)
« Reply #2 on: August 06, 2015, 12:23:04 AM »
Hiya! Cool story you've got here! Just a fun little thing; I'd avoid writing "the time is 7:00am", it feels really unnatural and I'm pretty sure including numbers like that is frowned upon.


There's also a couple of spelling errors in it, such as "Acadamy" (Academy) and a few grammatical errors! (he turned to the basin the cracked mirror jaded his reflection). Similarly, using the same adjective twice in one sentence seems to be a bit boring to read. Instead of writing "Sharp features, sharp eyes", try something like "Sharp features, striking eyes". I actually probably wouldn't write 'sharp features' then continue with explaining the features, but that's just me. Features adds the implication that everything is already sharp, so undue explanation is contradictory.


anyway, i won't sit and crit everything, because it's probably unwanted! You have a nice story coming on, but remember! Your character should face challenges, pitfalls and triumphs that we can watch him build too!


« Last Edit: August 06, 2015, 01:17:08 AM by DatMangaRaaider »

Offline Icanttakecritiscism

  • Get out of the way peasant
  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 120
  • Gender: Male
  • Ew you faggot
    • View Profile
Re: Commander. WIP (Place holder title)
« Reply #3 on: August 06, 2015, 05:01:09 AM »
If someone doesn't want or listen to critiscism, they shouldn't post in the "critique" type forum.

Offline swearzy

  • Conspiracy Theorist.
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 855
  • Gender: Male
  • I come with tin foil hats a many!
    • View Profile
Re: Commander. WIP (Place holder title)
« Reply #4 on: August 06, 2015, 08:33:16 AM »
Ya its here to be critiqued upon, using a tablet atm so its frustrating trying to correct everything. XD. Cant afford to fix my pc anytime soon so its better than nothing. Thanks Ill look into these things. Read the whole thing if you want too lol.

Offline Icanttakecritiscism

  • Get out of the way peasant
  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 120
  • Gender: Male
  • Ew you faggot
    • View Profile
Re: Commander. WIP (Place holder title)
« Reply #5 on: August 06, 2015, 10:49:06 AM »
What is wrong with your pc?

Offline swearzy

  • Conspiracy Theorist.
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 855
  • Gender: Male
  • I come with tin foil hats a many!
    • View Profile
Re: Commander. WIP (Place holder title)
« Reply #6 on: August 06, 2015, 11:00:52 AM »
Power surge, killed the psu and my monitor.  :(  Got layed off a few months ago so yah, good news though I may be in for some work soon so once my finances are cleared up then I can start doing that.

Offline swearzy

  • Conspiracy Theorist.
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 855
  • Gender: Male
  • I come with tin foil hats a many!
    • View Profile
Commander. WIP (Place holder title) Chapter 3: Dining with doubt.
« Reply #7 on: August 13, 2015, 12:29:57 PM »
I may have gone a tad over the word limit.. lol.

Chapter 3 - Dining With Doubt

Naim slid down the door in a heavy sleep, snoring loudly.

"Naim.." a voice called to him.

"Wake up honey." It called once again.

"Soon.. please leave me.." Naim whispered lazily.

"I don't want to leave you again." The voice now sounded distant. Naim opened his eyes, to find he was where he was sleeping against the door of his new room.

"Ugh I don't wanna get up." Naim complained as he lifted himself up off the tiled floor. He stretched his hands down to his toes trying to coax the kinks out of his back from his awkward sleeping position.

His phone vibrated in his pocket. Slipping it out, he flicked the screen on. 32 new messages recieved. All from Shala, he checked the newest one.

"Its midday, no point in showing up now. I'll be home soon." His eyes widened.

"Holy crap! Its one pm... Oh well, what done is done." He smirked. He thought tonight was the night he'd pay a visit to his soon to be aquaintance. A quick knock emmited through the door.

"Naim? Are you home?.. Are you still mad at me for yesterday?" It was Shala at the door, distress obvious in her voice. Naim opened the door, to which Shala was not expecting and flushed red as she turned away.

"So? Are you?" She asked again. Peeking meekly for a reaction. Naim raised his eye brow and crossed his arms.

"No.. but your actions yesterday were totally unacceptable." Shala turned to face Naim and lowered her head.

"I'm sorry, to the deepest depths of my heart. Ill try to refrain from further instances of lust." She giggled.

"It.. it's not funny..." Naim tried not to smile. He now flushed a shade of red.

"So what are you going to do for supper?" She walked in the door, pushing past Naim.

"Uhh food y'know .. the usual. Its edible. Oi I didn't even say you could come in?" She disappeared into the apartment ignoring what he was saying. Is she really going to do this all over again, he considered moving houses but didn't want to go to all the effort getting a place which needed to be paid for. He sighed loudly.

"Whats up with you?" Shala called out from within. The alluring scent of frying meat wafted out to the entrance. Following the smell all the way to the kitchen, it looked as if a hurracane hit it. He dismissed his anger as his stomach growled, realising how famished he was.

"Help yourself to my stores by all means." Naim exclaimed annoyingly.

"Be glad this woman will cook for you." She turned and winked. She sent confusing messages at the best of times.

"I don't mind you using my stuff, but being polite about it would be nice. I had orginally planned to eat out tonight."

"Oh really?  Where at?"
 
"At uhh, the golden sun." She cast a disgusted look as she finished his sentence.
"What?" He asked in response.

"Nothing.. who are you going with?" She flipped a steak over pressing it into the grill, the sizzling became more exaggerated.

"No one really." He took a seat at the counter, leaning his elbows on it. Porcelain clattered on the table as Shala pulled out plates.

"Well, if you want.." She responded eagerly.

"Want what?"

"I could accompany you." Turning, Shala opened the refridgerator. A sudden realisation flashed over Naim, another trap set by the hunter. He rolled his eyes while she was turned.

"Ah. Well.. Mmmm..." Naim paused for a moment, thinking what ever he said could turn into a land mine. Shala started to serve the food and then looked at Naim,  placing her hand on her hip.

"Ah?" She raised her brow. Naim looked away trying to register a response to his mine sweeper. To which none came. There was no way he could investigate Bikkie and keep her entertained. Nor afford to go to the Golden Sun two nights in a row. Now between a rock and a hard place there was only one way out.

"S... sure why not." He forced a crooked smile. He then started to slice his steak up. Shala pulled out a bottle of pepper sauce and drowned her plate in it, lathering it over everything.
"Really? You still ruin your food with that?" Naim pointing at the mostly empty bottle of sauce with his fork.

"Its a free country aint' it?" Sitting down across from him she stirred everything together into one big pile of sludge.

"Fair enough, I guess" Naim shivered at the sight of the monstrousity.

"So tomorrow night? At the Golden Sun right?" She asked with a mouth full of food. Scooping the remnants up and downed it with speed.

"That's the plan." He replied unenthusiastically watching her horrible table manners, starting to regret agreeing to her offer. Naim finished his plate and stood up, gathering her plate aswell wondered over to the sink and washed them both.

"Ok, well I can't wait to be honest." The excitement rezonated in her tone, finally she thought time to try and get closer to Naim and make him mine.

"So... do we have class tomorrow?" Naim wiped his hands dry on a small towel and leant on the counter.

"Yes, at two pm only for 2 hours. Don't forget to make a reservation otherwise we wont get a table. Actually... I'll do it coz..  you'll forget." She smiled happily, standing up and headed toward the door.

"Good night, sweet dreams." Shala said, the door closed soon after with a satisfying click.

"Good night Shala... Kaela... She just had to say it like her." He walked to his bed and layed upon it still, watching the ceiling fan rotate slowly. His mind wondered, maybe I should just forget about her. I don't think I'll ever find her.