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Author Topic: Looking for tips on my story "The Devil Within"  (Read 1009 times)

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Offline GoneEmpty

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Looking for tips on my story "The Devil Within"
« on: September 21, 2014, 08:34:33 PM »
Hi MR,

Sorry for the repost. Just had to fix some issues in the story and wanted to add a little more.

It's a horror/psychological thriller (maybe a manga or a short story)

Summary of the story so far.

A young boy name Alex goes through a tragic event where he loses his father, mother, and sister to a house fire. Alex become mentally scarred from this event and is sent to a Mental Hospital in a big city where he meets a kind doctor name Dr. Delgado. Alex will spend three years of his life in the hospital and spends one year out of the hospital with meeting with Dr. Delgado. During this time Alex adapts to a normal life while trying to deal with his past. On the anniversary of his families passing he plans to meet with his grandparents to go to their tombstones to show respect. However, while Alex was visiting his family’s tombstone he has a mental breakdown and being to "dream" about that night when his family died. Alex blames himself for everything that happened that night and especially for his little sister’s death. Alex tells no one about his mental breakdown and goes home after visiting his family tombstone. Early in the next morning Alex receives a phone call saying that his grandparents have both passed away and now Alex is truly alone.

Alex then moves back to his hometown where he will deal with his issues or may not.

Spoiler
“The Devil Within”
Nothing Happens by Chance

Setting- In the middle of the night in a small town in Japan, there was a two story house that laid in darkness. The family of four that lived in the house was sound asleep when an electrical fire started in their living room. The family’s fire alarms failed to go off for some reason as the fire engulfed the rest of the first floor. The smoke from the fire rushes up to the second floor and enters a room with a door that was left open. The room belongs to a young boy named Alex that is currently in middle school and likes to leave his windows open at night.

Alex- Mom… Dad… What’s burning?

Action- Alex rubs his eyes as he gets out of his bed to turn on his lights.

Alex- (Coughs) What time is…

Action- Alex turns on the lights in his room and sees a thick black cloud of smoke entering through his open door. He quickly crouches to the floor to avoid breathing in the toxic smoke and grabs a piece of clothing off the floor to cover his mouth. Alex crouch walks into the hallway and goes towards his six years old little sister’s room.

Alex (while crouch walking to his sister’s room)- MOM, DAD FIRE!! FIRE!!

Action- Alex reaches his sister’s door and tries to open her door. However, Alex can’t get the door to budge to his sister’s room. Alex tries to call out to her.

Alex- EMA ARE YOU OK?

Emily-…

Alex- EMA. EMA!!

Action- Alex starts slamming the door when Alex’s Dad and Mom open their bedroom door can quickly rush to Emily’s room.

Alex’s Dad- Is Emily still in there?

Alex- I don’t know! She won’t answer me!

Alex’s Mom- EMILY ARE YOU IN THERE!! ANSWER ME!!

Setting inside of Emily’s room- Emily has wrapped herself up in her covers while holding a pink stuffed rabbit. When she hears her mother calling her she remove the cover from her face and says…

Emily- Mommy?

Alex’s Mom- Emily, thank God!

Emily-Mommy!! I’m scared!! I can’t see you!!

Alex’s Mom- We’re coming honey don't worry! Mommy and Daddy are right outside your door.

Alex’s Dad- Emily wait for us on your bed… and cover your face with your PJ’s, ok.

Emily- O...Ok

Action- Alex’s Dad stands up and begins to ram door with his entire body. The door does not budge.

Alex’s Dad- D*mm*t! Emily I know I told you to wait on your bed but can you go to your door and see if there's something in the way.

Emily- Ok…

Action- Emily drops out of her bed holding her pink rabbit and slowly crawls to her door.

Emily- A huge piece of wood is in the way.

Alex’s Dad- …Did it fall from your ceiling?

Action- Emily looks up at her ceiling to see if the wood feel from there, and she sees a huge hole in the ceiling.

Emily- There a big hole in the roof.

Alex’s Mom- If that’s a beam…

Alex’s Dad- Alex take your mom outside and wait for me and Emily.

Alex- I’m not leaving without Ema!

Alex’s Dad- GO!

Action- Alex’s Mom grabs Alex’s hand and takes him down the hallway and down the stairs to the front door. When they reach the door a loud bang rings throughout the house.

Alex’s Mom- Alex go outside and wait for me. I’m going to check on your dad.

Alex- I’m going with you!

Alex’s Mom- NO!! Stay outside and wait for me.

Setting- Alex goes outside and runs to the street to see if any first responders have arrived and his mom runs back upstairs to check on his dad. A minute has gone by and no one has come out of the burning house yet. Alex looks to Emily’s window to see if he can tell what’s going on. He sees a figure in the window that is obscured by the smoke. The figure reaches for the bottom of the window to open it and Alex takes off run to the window.

Alex- Emily jump out the window, I’ll catch you!

Action- While Alex is run to the house a loud crack ring through the air and the suddenly the house caves in. The figure along with the house disappears into a pile of burning wood.

Alex- EMAAAA!!! (The right half of Alex’s body is violently jerked backwards)

Setting- A long piece of wood has flown from the house and impaled Alex’s right shoulder. Alex collapses on the ground in front of is burning house. The last thing he hears and sees is the sound of sirens coming towards him and his family home in a pile of burning ashes. Alex fades in and out of consciousness and only sees the inside of an ambulance, rushing through a hospital, an ER sign, and then his grandparents next to his bed in the hospital.

Four Years Later

Setting- A sound of a cell phone ringing echoes through a single apartment and the call ID says Dr. Delgado (A phycologist at a mental hospital).

Alex- Hello Dr. Delgado, how are you today?

Dr. Delgado- I’m do well Alex how about you?

Alex- Feel better each day doctor.

Dr. Delgado- Well that good to hear, but you know why I’m calling you, right.

Alex- Yes ma’am today is the anniversary of that tragic day…

Dr. Delgado- Do you have any planes to meet with your grandparents?

Alex- Yes actually, I’m going to meet them in my hometown for lunch and then we’re going to go to their tombstones to show our respects.

Dr. Delgado- It good that you acknowledge what happen that day and that you are willing to take it on one step at a time.

Alex- Yah, slowly but surely I’m copping with it better each year.

Dr. Delgado- Well I’m glad to hear that from you Alex. It quite clear to me that you’ve made great improvements on your mental health since you’ve left the hospital a year ago.

Alex- Thank you, for the kind words Dr. Delgado and I have felt like I’ve made good improvements when it comes to my past to.

Dr. Delgado- On a side note, how do you like living alone now for a whole year?

Alex- It’s been great. As you already known I got a new job at a restaurant and I’m dating a girl from my high school for half a year now and I still loving my small apartment.

Dr. Delgado- Good to hear as always Alex. Well I’ll be calling tomorrow morning to see how everything is going and then we’re back on to our normal meetings calls every Sunday.

Alex- Ok, then I’ll be expecting your phone call tomorrow morning and then we’re back to normal. Alright, is that all Dr. Delgado?

Dr. Delgado- Yes that all Alex.

Alex- Well, then have a nice day doctor.

Dr. Delgado-You to Alex and good luck.

Setting- The phone call ends and Alex gets ready to take the train to meet his grandparents in his hometown for lunch. The train arrives in Alex’s hometown ten minutes early so he sits on a bench outside the station and wait for his grandparents to come and pick him up. While Alex sits on the bench he sees his middle school friends riding by on their bike but Alex does not call out to them as they rode past. Then Alex gets picked up by his grandparents and taken out to lunch to a local restaurant.

Alex’s Grandfather- So how’s life in the big cities Alex?

Alex- Loud and busy but at the same time the city is very peaceful.

Alex’s Grandma- I can’t imagine how you sleep at night with all that noise.

Alex- You get uses to it, almost like a fan on at night while you sleep.

Action- Alex’s Grandma looks to be a little anxious and seems like she has something to say.

Alex- What is it Grandma, you look like you’ve got some big secret you want to tell me?

Alex’s Grandma- It not that honey, it’s just that…

Alex’s Grandfather- We got a new dog last week.

Action- Alex’s Grandfather looks at Alex’s Grandmother with a deep stair and looks slightly angry.

Alex-Real what type of breed did you get!?

Alex’s Grandfather-I think it name is Husky.

Alex-Oh, is it the breed of dog that pull the salads in the snow right?

Alex’s Grandfather- Yah that’s the one and her name is Spike.

Alex- Why Spike if you don’t mind me asking?

Alex’s Grandfather- She got a tail that look as sharp as a spike so Spike.

Action- Alex’s Grandma cuts in…

Alex’s Grandma- No, that wasn’t want I wanted to tell you. I wanted to ask you if you will be alright doing this visit?

Action- Alex’s Grandfather’s face suddenly goes to happy to angry while Alex’s face stays the same. 

Alex’s Grandma- Alex, just last year you were too afraid to come out here but now your fine?

Alex’s Grandfather-What are you trying to say? That he should of staid home and acted like it never happen?

Alex’s Grandma- No, Alex look, I just don’t want you to rush this ok. You’ve only been out of the hospital for a year now and this is your first time you’re seeing their tombstones. I’m just nervous that you’ll have some type of relapse or something.

Alex’s Grandfather- He’ll have to do this at some point in his life so way not now with two people that loved him since he was born.

Alex’s Grandma- I just don’t want to lose him again.

Alex’s Grandfather- He…

Alex- Look you two, I known you’re both thinking of what would be best for me and I’m truly great fully for that. But yes Grandma, I’m afraid of what might happen when I see their tombstones for the first time but sooner or later I need to move past this point in my life before it consumes me. So I’m choosing to do this for my own sake despite my fears.

Alex’s Grandma- But we can wait Alex. It doesn’t have to be on the day of it anniversary does it?

Alex- No it does have to be today grandma. However, if I overcome today than I can finally say that I’ve past that tragic day and I can leave it were it should stay. In the past…

Action- Alex’s Grandfather looks at Alex and seems to be happy for him while Alex’s Grandmother begins to cry.

Setting- They finish their meals in silence and then head to where Alex’s family tombstones are located. When they arrive they spend a little time looking for the stones and when they find the stones they all look at them quietly. Alex’s Grandparents say a few words and then bow and leave (leaving Alex alone at his family’s tombstones). Alex drops to both his knees before their tombstones and looks up to their names.

Alex thinks to himself- Why me? Why am I alive? Why did you take Ema from me? Why did you take my parents from me? Why, why ,why…

Action- Alex begins to cry while bring up his hands to whip of his tears.

Alex thinks to himself- I could have done more. I could’ve helped my dad open Ema’s door. I could’ve tried to have my mom stay with me outside. But most of all, I COULD’VE RAN FASTER TO EMA’S WINDOW! She didn’t open the window to jump because I wasn’t there to catch her. I WAS TO SLOW! SHE DIED BECAUSE I WAS TOO WEAK. I FAILED EVERYONE! AS AN OLDER BROTHER AS A SON, I FAILED THEM ALL. WHY ME! WHY AM I ALIVE!

Action- Alex suddenly falls to the ground and has a flashback to right before his family home collapse.

Setting- Alex is standing in his front yard watching his house burn down, when he suddenly remembers that Emily is in her window wait for Alex to catch her. Alex takes off running to her window and is screaming…

Alex- EMA DON’T WORRY I’LL CATCH YOU!

Setting- However, this time around in Alex’s dream there is no smoke block out the dark figure in the window and Alex can clearly see Ema standing in the window. Ema’s lips are moving but Alex can’t hear her because he’s still too far away but he can tell what she says by the way her lips move.

Emily- Hurry up big brother…

Alex was screaming- Emily jump out the window, I’ll catch you!

Emily reaches for the windows bottom- But I’m afraid of…

Setting- The house caves in on itself an again and Alex is hit with the wood again which wakes him up. Alex wakes up in front of his family’s tombstones in a cold sweat and holding the part of his shoulder that was hit with the wood. Alex stands up and wipes the sweat of his face and bows to his family’s tombstones and says…

Alex- I’m sorry Emily I was not fast enough to save you and no matter how many times I try I will never forgive myself for that.

Setting- Alex turn away from the tombstones and walks out to meet his Grandparents.

Alex’s Grandma- Well Alex, how are you feeling?

Alex- I’m still not over it but I think I have made great progress today.

Alex’s Grandparents- That great Alex!

Alex-You think?

Alex thinks to himself- They don’t need to know, right?  It probably best if they don’t know, and besides I can control these memories and know they are no longer on my mind every day. I'm fine. 

Action- Alex’s Grandparents give him a huge and congratulate him on his final steps of recovery and then they get back in their cars and take Alex to the train station.

Setting- Alex is back home in his single apartment and getting ready to go to bed for the night. After Alex has fallen asleep he gets a call early in the morning with by a unknown man.

Alex-… Hello?

Unknown- Hello, are you Alex Carter?

Alex- Yes I’m Alex Carter. Who is calling me at 9 AM on a Sunday morning?

Unknown- This is Deputed Marcuse from North Fields (Alex’s hometown), and I’m call to report the passing of your Grandparents.

Action- Alex face turns completely white with horror as a face of uncertainty overcomes him.

Alex-W...Wh…What…?

Deputed Marcuse- They were found deceased this morning by members of their church group when they missed a meeting and were concerned about them.

Alex W…Wh…What?

Deputed Marcuse- The community of North Field is mourning with you Alex and we are sorry for our lost.

Alex-…

Deputed Marcuse- Alex? Are you still there?

Alex- Yes…

Deputed Marcuse- Do you want to give you a number to call for support?

Alex- No… Thank you though. Is that all?

Deputed Marcuse- Alex will you be ok?

Alex- Yes… is that all?

Deputed Marcuse- Yes, I’m sorry for your lose.

Action- Alex hangs up the phone and sits in his bed for about an hour. Then the phone ring and the caller ID say Dr. Delgado and Alex just lets it go to voice mail.

Setting- Little past 6 PM now and someone is knocking on Alex’s door. Alex has yet to get out of his bed and shows no sights of wanting to answer the door. Then the person behind the door says…

Unknown- Alex are you in there? It’s Dr. Delgado.

Alex-…

Dr. Delgado- I’m coming in, ok?

Action- Alex hears the doors unlock and then footsteps entering his apartment.

Dr. Delgado- Alex?

Action- She walks around Alex’s apartment looking for him and then she opens the door to Alex’s bed room. When the door opens Alex suddenly breaks down and cries. Dr. Delgado runs over to Alex’s bed and sits next to him.

Dr. Delgado- It’s ok Alex… I’m here now… It’s ok…. I heard the new when I got home and rushed over here.

Alex- I’m alone now…. They looked fine yesterday… I don't understand?

Dr. Delgado- Alex you’re not alone, I’m here right?

Alex-…

Action- Dr. Delgado goes and huge Alex and lets him cry on her shoulder for a few hours.

Alex- What do I do now?

Dr. Delgado- You take as much time as you need Alex and I’m going to be right by your side until the very end.
 
Action- Alex looks at Dr. Delgado and wipes his face with his shirt as he stops crying and says…

Alex- You will never leave Dr. Delgado? 

Dr. Delgado- Alex I’ve known you for four years and I would never leave you alone because I see you as my on flesh and blood.

Alex (starts to cry again)-…Thank you…


Thank you,
GoneEmpty
« Last Edit: September 27, 2014, 09:31:30 PM by GoneEmpty »
"Don't fear failure...in great attempts  it is glorious even to fail" Bruce Lee