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Develop Your Story / Re: Children of Valhalla
« on: May 25, 2010, 09:08:46 PM »
I'll just copy and past the 1st chapter.
Chapter 1: A Haven Invaded
Itsuki and Colin are standing on a rural road facing each other. It’s dark and there is a silhouette of a city in the background. Their weapons are drawn; Itsuki wields a naginata, Colin has a rapier. Itsuki and Colin swipe at each other tentatively a few times. Itsuki rushes forward his naginata electrically charged. The attack hits the mark. Cut to the face of a young man with an impressed look on his face.
Young man: I used to hear stories about people like you, but I never thought I’d meet one of you. It has to be intense being the way you are.
Itsuki: (shrugs) I guess there are some intense feelings, but being so used to it kind of takes away the luster.
Pan out slightly, Itsuki and the young man are on a construction site; they are both wearing construction worker uniforms and hard hats. They are sitting on a makeshift bench. A whistle blows.
Itsuki: Break’s over.
They walk toward the site where it is apparent that a house is being built. A montage of Itsuki working is seen; he hammers nails into the frame of the house, saws into a board, and helps set cinderblocks. Time is shown passing while this is happening. It’s dark and Itsuki and the young man from before begin walking home together. As they have a conversation, images of them moving through the town are shown. It is a small rural Japanese town.
Young Man: Tell me more about you’re fighting style.
Itsuki: I used a naginata.
Young man: Why lightning?
Itsuki: You know what lightning can do. That kind of immense power is very appealing.
Young man: How much voltage can you produce?
Itsuki: (Face fault) How would I ever know that?
The two come to a fork in the road
Young man: You should show me some of your old moves some time.
Itsuki: Sure Sure (unenthusiastic)
Young Man: See you tomorrow
The two part ways. Itsuki walks to his house.
Itsuki: He thinks it’s so cool. Was I like that before the luster tarnished?
He enters his house which is a small cottage and heads to his bedroom. He hangs his vest and hard hat up on hooks near the door. He heads toward his bed room and stops in the living area. He turns to his left and looks at the naginata mounted on his wall. He stares at it with detached curiosity
Itsuki: Three years since then, *censored*.
Itsuki grabs a bottle of whiskey from the refrigerator. He sits on the couch and takes a sip. He leans back and looks up at the ceiling.
Itsuki’s thoughts: How many people?
He takes another sip then looks at the bottle disgustedly.
Itsuki’s thoughts: Vile
He pours the whiskey down the sink and heads to his bedroom. He sprawls out on his bed carelessly and falls asleep. Show the moon, then the next panel shows the sun to indicate the passing of time. Itsuki walks down the road and meets his friend at the fork and they continue on their way to work. Itsuki looks up at the sky as they walk.
Young man: So, what’s your record?
Itsuki: Hm, sorry I zoned out. What are you babbling about now Takashi?
Takashi: Your victory record, how many people have you defeated?
Itsuki: (uncomfortable and hesitant) I….didn’t really keep count of that.
Takashi: It must have been a lot though
Itsuki: (withdrawn) I guess
They arrive at work and begin building the walls of the house.
Takashi: Who’s going to live in this house anyway?
Itsuki: Some rich newlyweds, I think
Takashi: Why would rich people come to a nothing town like this?
Itsuki glances to the side and smiles ominously.
Itsuki: (SFX shrug) To get away, It’s peaceful here.
Takashi: Is that why you moved here?
Itsuki: I guess
Takashi: You always give those answers.
Itsuki: (Withdrawn) Hmm.
SFX: WHOOSH! A gust of wind blows by aggressively kicking up dust and pebbles. This beats furiously at Itsuki’s back then dies down quickly.
Takashi: That’s an odd gust.
Itsuki: (Ominously) That wasn’t natural.
Takashi: What?
Itsuki: Wind does not behave like that. It was focused on this point, on me
Takashi: What do you mean?
Itsuki: It was an attack.
Itsuki turns toward the direction of the gust. His line of sight is followed to a man standing in the middle of a construction site with a smirk. He is wearing a casual summer outfit and is holding a metal claw weapon. Itsuki steps forward hesitantly until he is within spitting distance of him.
Itsuki: (Annoyed) What?
Stranger: My name is Nori Takahashi.
Itsuki: (Interrupting) I know why you’ve come, and you’ve come in vain. I won’t fight you.
Nori: I worked very hard to track you down and you deny me?
Itsuki: You don’t think there was a reason for my being hard to find? Bother someone else.
Itsuki turns and starts to walk back to where he was working
Nori: Coward!
Itsuki: (unmoved) Whatever you say.
Wind begins picking up again and pushes at Itsuki’s back again.
Itsuki: (Without looking back) You’re acting like a child. Please just go home.
Nori: Where is your pride as warrior?
Itsuki: (Dryly) That stupid *censored* doesn’t work on me. Just tell anyone who asks that I surrendered. I begged for mercy. I admit my inferiority.
Nori: I will not be written off.
The wind picks up violently as a storm starts in the immediate area. A plank flies toward Itsuki’s back. He turns quickly and thrusts his hand forward. A short burst of lightning shatters the board to pieces. Itsuki glares.
Itsuki: Leave now
The wind blows by at high speed. Itsuki steps away but the wind grazes his cheek leaving a cut.
Itsuki’s thoughts: *censored*. He’s not going to stop.
Nori charges forward and bears his claw. Itsuki sidesteps and grabs Nori’s wrist. He punches Nori in the face sending him reeling backwards.
Itsuki: Please just leave. You don’t have a chance.
Nori rushes forward again and unleashes a flurry of swipes. Itsuki dodges the constant barrage. Nori begins to send blasts of air through his slashes making it more difficult to dodge. Itsuki is grazed many more times but continues to dodge.
Nori: Fight back
Itsuki: Fine!
Itsuki strikes his opponent in the chest with a quick burst of electricity. Nori reels back in pain. Nori regains his balance and continues his assault. He is frustrated so his attacks are clumsier.
Itsuki: (Matter-of-factly) You’re being too predictable
Itsuki ducks underneath a swipe and gives Nori a harsh body uppercut knocking him on him on his back. Nori stands up shakily.
Nori: I’ll show you, trying to act so cool.
Nori begins to summon a massive amount of wind. Itsuki looks alarmed as the wind gets furious.
Itsuki: You’ll kill yourself that way, you *censored*ing idiot!
Nori: Shut up!
Itsuki’s thoughts: This place will come down on top of us.
Itsuki brings a charge to his hand. He struggles greatly against the intensifying wind. He sends a bolt of lightning through the air striking Nori. He screams loudly and drops to his knees in pain. The wind lets up as Nori trembles clutching his stomach. He looks up at the approaching Itsuki and glares.
Nori: I’m, uhhh, not done yet
The wind begins to pick up violently again.
Itsuki: Yes you are
Itsuki quickly runs through the wind and grabs Nori by the throat. Itsuki sends electricity through Nori’s body. Nori screams in horrible pain as his hair burns and his skin chars. The screaming eventually stops. Nori’s body is now a blackened corpse. His mouth is wide open in pain. He turns and begins to walk away.
Itsuki: Too much
Itsuki drops to one knee. Takashi runs toward his fallen friend.
Takashi: (Extends his hand) Itsuki, c’mon
Itsuki takes his hand and is helped to his feet. Takashi loops his arm around his shoulder and helps him onto the makeshift bench.
Itsuki: He’d have died anyway, you know. With all that he was doing, he was killing himself and didn’t even see it.
We…worked hard on that house Takashi.
Takashi: You were defending yourself. Relax, it’s over now.
Itsuki: Is that what you think?
Last panel is Itsuki with a dead stare
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What do you think?
Chapter 1: A Haven Invaded
Itsuki and Colin are standing on a rural road facing each other. It’s dark and there is a silhouette of a city in the background. Their weapons are drawn; Itsuki wields a naginata, Colin has a rapier. Itsuki and Colin swipe at each other tentatively a few times. Itsuki rushes forward his naginata electrically charged. The attack hits the mark. Cut to the face of a young man with an impressed look on his face.
Young man: I used to hear stories about people like you, but I never thought I’d meet one of you. It has to be intense being the way you are.
Itsuki: (shrugs) I guess there are some intense feelings, but being so used to it kind of takes away the luster.
Pan out slightly, Itsuki and the young man are on a construction site; they are both wearing construction worker uniforms and hard hats. They are sitting on a makeshift bench. A whistle blows.
Itsuki: Break’s over.
They walk toward the site where it is apparent that a house is being built. A montage of Itsuki working is seen; he hammers nails into the frame of the house, saws into a board, and helps set cinderblocks. Time is shown passing while this is happening. It’s dark and Itsuki and the young man from before begin walking home together. As they have a conversation, images of them moving through the town are shown. It is a small rural Japanese town.
Young Man: Tell me more about you’re fighting style.
Itsuki: I used a naginata.
Young man: Why lightning?
Itsuki: You know what lightning can do. That kind of immense power is very appealing.
Young man: How much voltage can you produce?
Itsuki: (Face fault) How would I ever know that?
The two come to a fork in the road
Young man: You should show me some of your old moves some time.
Itsuki: Sure Sure (unenthusiastic)
Young Man: See you tomorrow
The two part ways. Itsuki walks to his house.
Itsuki: He thinks it’s so cool. Was I like that before the luster tarnished?
He enters his house which is a small cottage and heads to his bedroom. He hangs his vest and hard hat up on hooks near the door. He heads toward his bed room and stops in the living area. He turns to his left and looks at the naginata mounted on his wall. He stares at it with detached curiosity
Itsuki: Three years since then, *censored*.
Itsuki grabs a bottle of whiskey from the refrigerator. He sits on the couch and takes a sip. He leans back and looks up at the ceiling.
Itsuki’s thoughts: How many people?
He takes another sip then looks at the bottle disgustedly.
Itsuki’s thoughts: Vile
He pours the whiskey down the sink and heads to his bedroom. He sprawls out on his bed carelessly and falls asleep. Show the moon, then the next panel shows the sun to indicate the passing of time. Itsuki walks down the road and meets his friend at the fork and they continue on their way to work. Itsuki looks up at the sky as they walk.
Young man: So, what’s your record?
Itsuki: Hm, sorry I zoned out. What are you babbling about now Takashi?
Takashi: Your victory record, how many people have you defeated?
Itsuki: (uncomfortable and hesitant) I….didn’t really keep count of that.
Takashi: It must have been a lot though
Itsuki: (withdrawn) I guess
They arrive at work and begin building the walls of the house.
Takashi: Who’s going to live in this house anyway?
Itsuki: Some rich newlyweds, I think
Takashi: Why would rich people come to a nothing town like this?
Itsuki glances to the side and smiles ominously.
Itsuki: (SFX shrug) To get away, It’s peaceful here.
Takashi: Is that why you moved here?
Itsuki: I guess
Takashi: You always give those answers.
Itsuki: (Withdrawn) Hmm.
SFX: WHOOSH! A gust of wind blows by aggressively kicking up dust and pebbles. This beats furiously at Itsuki’s back then dies down quickly.
Takashi: That’s an odd gust.
Itsuki: (Ominously) That wasn’t natural.
Takashi: What?
Itsuki: Wind does not behave like that. It was focused on this point, on me
Takashi: What do you mean?
Itsuki: It was an attack.
Itsuki turns toward the direction of the gust. His line of sight is followed to a man standing in the middle of a construction site with a smirk. He is wearing a casual summer outfit and is holding a metal claw weapon. Itsuki steps forward hesitantly until he is within spitting distance of him.
Itsuki: (Annoyed) What?
Stranger: My name is Nori Takahashi.
Itsuki: (Interrupting) I know why you’ve come, and you’ve come in vain. I won’t fight you.
Nori: I worked very hard to track you down and you deny me?
Itsuki: You don’t think there was a reason for my being hard to find? Bother someone else.
Itsuki turns and starts to walk back to where he was working
Nori: Coward!
Itsuki: (unmoved) Whatever you say.
Wind begins picking up again and pushes at Itsuki’s back again.
Itsuki: (Without looking back) You’re acting like a child. Please just go home.
Nori: Where is your pride as warrior?
Itsuki: (Dryly) That stupid *censored* doesn’t work on me. Just tell anyone who asks that I surrendered. I begged for mercy. I admit my inferiority.
Nori: I will not be written off.
The wind picks up violently as a storm starts in the immediate area. A plank flies toward Itsuki’s back. He turns quickly and thrusts his hand forward. A short burst of lightning shatters the board to pieces. Itsuki glares.
Itsuki: Leave now
The wind blows by at high speed. Itsuki steps away but the wind grazes his cheek leaving a cut.
Itsuki’s thoughts: *censored*. He’s not going to stop.
Nori charges forward and bears his claw. Itsuki sidesteps and grabs Nori’s wrist. He punches Nori in the face sending him reeling backwards.
Itsuki: Please just leave. You don’t have a chance.
Nori rushes forward again and unleashes a flurry of swipes. Itsuki dodges the constant barrage. Nori begins to send blasts of air through his slashes making it more difficult to dodge. Itsuki is grazed many more times but continues to dodge.
Nori: Fight back
Itsuki: Fine!
Itsuki strikes his opponent in the chest with a quick burst of electricity. Nori reels back in pain. Nori regains his balance and continues his assault. He is frustrated so his attacks are clumsier.
Itsuki: (Matter-of-factly) You’re being too predictable
Itsuki ducks underneath a swipe and gives Nori a harsh body uppercut knocking him on him on his back. Nori stands up shakily.
Nori: I’ll show you, trying to act so cool.
Nori begins to summon a massive amount of wind. Itsuki looks alarmed as the wind gets furious.
Itsuki: You’ll kill yourself that way, you *censored*ing idiot!
Nori: Shut up!
Itsuki’s thoughts: This place will come down on top of us.
Itsuki brings a charge to his hand. He struggles greatly against the intensifying wind. He sends a bolt of lightning through the air striking Nori. He screams loudly and drops to his knees in pain. The wind lets up as Nori trembles clutching his stomach. He looks up at the approaching Itsuki and glares.
Nori: I’m, uhhh, not done yet
The wind begins to pick up violently again.
Itsuki: Yes you are
Itsuki quickly runs through the wind and grabs Nori by the throat. Itsuki sends electricity through Nori’s body. Nori screams in horrible pain as his hair burns and his skin chars. The screaming eventually stops. Nori’s body is now a blackened corpse. His mouth is wide open in pain. He turns and begins to walk away.
Itsuki: Too much
Itsuki drops to one knee. Takashi runs toward his fallen friend.
Takashi: (Extends his hand) Itsuki, c’mon
Itsuki takes his hand and is helped to his feet. Takashi loops his arm around his shoulder and helps him onto the makeshift bench.
Itsuki: He’d have died anyway, you know. With all that he was doing, he was killing himself and didn’t even see it.
We…worked hard on that house Takashi.
Takashi: You were defending yourself. Relax, it’s over now.
Itsuki: Is that what you think?
Last panel is Itsuki with a dead stare
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What do you think?
