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Messages - WriterExtremist

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Develop Your Story / Re: Fallen Ztorm - Idea for a Manga
« on: May 02, 2017, 03:33:33 AM »
Okay guys, I worked on the second part here.  Now the first part at the top acts more like a Prelude that reaches into the future of the basis of the story a little bit after the actual starting point so PART 2 is going to technically be your CHAPTER 1.  I hope you guys like it.  BTW, I know that I am far from being a good writer even though I have practiced for years lol So please be gentle with me XD

Also, let me know if there are any key points or important things missing that should be in the story or would make the story even better.  Thanks!

CH. 1
I’ve always avoided the spotlight.  I never did like the attention.  Too many faces.  Too many voices.  I need silence almost all of the time.  That is, unless it is the sound of war.  For some reason I have always been fascinated by it.  The way difference of opinion can turn into an argument and an argument into a fight and a fight into a full-fledged declaration of lifelong bloodshed.  However, even though I found peace in war, I still felt as if it was my responsibility to keep it under control.  I felt it was my mission to step forward and take the frontlines for everyone else and fight these battles myself.

I was born with random appearing disabilities.  Not a single doctor could understand why I kept developing these problems.  One day I would be fine and the next day I would be paralyzed from the waist down.  One day I’d be able to speak clearly and the next I could barely mutter a word.  These disabilities continued to encase my body in a cell in which I could not break out.  My mother and father had me placed in the care of a mechanics biologist who studied my slow physical decline and would constantly take notes about his observations.

The one part of my being that I never lost, ironically, was my hearing.  I say it is ironic because I had to listen to him record his thoughts and opinions every single day almost 24 hours a day and, if that wasn’t enough, his constant repeat of labeling me as ‘Subject X115’ was driving me insane.  I wasn’t meant to be someone's lab experiment.  I needed help to cure whatever was causing these problems not help to understand them.  He put me in a chamber like machine that I laid inside multiple hours a day.  I am guessing it was monitoring my life signs and mental strength.

According to the biologists recorded notes it had been about 3 months before he implemented, as he called it, operation Z-Storm.  At this time a bunch of his staff members appeared and rolled me into another room.  An operation room.  I don’t know what happened between that time and the time I reawoken but I can tell you I was no longer just flesh.  My entire biological structure had been tampered with and rearranged.  I was a monstrosity or at least that is what I thought at the time.  I could have left.  They gave me that option.  But they also encouraged me to stay.  To adapt to my new body.

I didn’t see any point in leaving.  What was there for me out there in the real world after being stuck in this lab for God knows how long.  I trained my new body and soon realized I had been given strange abilities.  I was faster, stronger, better than any man or woman at their best.  I could trigger parts of my brain that reacted by making it seem as if time had slowed significantly.  I could draw power from my new mech suit straight into my cerebral cortex and build up massive amounts of radiant energy that I could then release in the form of a weaponized attack.  I could control the direction of my energy and even become it as it would shoot out from my body.  I had become a living weapon but at what cost?

Several months had gone by when I awoke to a caved in laboratory.  Dead bodies surrounded me.  Some I could easily tell were lab associates but then there were others that were unfamiliar to me.  All I could tell was that they were military by their uniforms but their faces were distorted as if someone had re-molded their bodies into something hideous.  Not soon after I stepped out of my resting chamber something alerted my mech suit and I activated my receivance protocol.  My helm rose up over my face and a recorded video message appeared.  It was the biologist that made me what I am.

“(gunfire sounds and screaming in the distance) Subject X115...Sam...you are in danger.  I regret to inform you that I never told your parents the entire truth about this project of mine.  I did want to help you regain all that you lost but, my methods, they weren’t exactly...legal.  Anyways, I need to make this quick.  I can hear them getting closer.  The last time you shut down I delayed your awakening sequence because I knew they were on to me.  I do not regret my success in creating you.  You are very special and I know you will change the world and someday the world will accept you.  Unfortunately, that day is not today.

By the time you wake up it will have been several months.  27 months to be exact.  This chamber will keep your energy levels steady for that time period and will force you awake when the time has come.  By the time you come to, the world may not be what you remembered it.  One thing I learned about these guys, they have created a toxin that is supposedly used for disabling anyone almost instantly and placing them in a comatic obedient state where the body is dead but the mind is very much awake but tapped into a human controller.

The thing is, I studied this toxin and it is unstable.  There is no way that this substance would have had any of the effects that they were hoping for and now their mindless uncontrolled results are here.  Here to kill us.  Here to kill you.  This was, no doubt, the order sent into these subjects minds before they turned completely.  I may be dead by the time you awake but don’t let that stop you from bringing these people down, that is, if they are still alive.  (horrific screeching and door banging followed by the sound of a door being broken in) You will have much to fight through when you wake up but please remember, you were given a second chance for a reason.  Save us.  You are the only one who ca….(Distortion followed by feed end)

Believing something like this was the last thing I wanted.  I was hoping this was all just another elaborate training run to test my response to something so devastating as world annihilation.  I kept telling myself that all of this was not real.  That any moment the man who rebuilt me would walk through some hidden door and fill me in on what my training was for the day.  However, oddly enough, something was telling me that this was very real and that I needed to see for myself how bad the world had really gotten in those 27 months. 

I hurried on down the damaged corridors and continued to rush by numerous bodies both lab and mutant military.  I then passed one room that caught my eye.  It was the weapons chamber and I could feel a surge of energy coming from inside a containment barrel.  Surprisingly, the computer that was keeping it contained was still operational.  When I looked at it, it read “Would you like to Sync to Subject X115?”.  It wasn’t until then that I noticed a body off to the right of the desk.  It had been decapitated.  I used my DNA scanner to reveal who this was before he was killed. 

It took no time at all before my scanner matched the DNA.  It was the biologist.  As I stood there looking at the body I realized that I had never even known him by his name.  Thomas Jade Rikafel, married with 3 kids.  2 boys, 1 girl...3, 7, and 12 and a wife named Mercy.  My new body did not allow me to show much emotion.  I could smirk and frown but for the most part I kept a neutral facial stance.  I soon became curious about what was in the containment barrel and turned my head back over to the computer where it still read “Would you like to Sync to Subject X115?”

I reached out and clicked ‘yes’.  Immediately, my system started retrieving and downloading data.  My suit began to charge and parts of it began shifting and changing.  The containment barrel then unlocked and opened up.  Right there in front of me was an indescribably large sword that seemed to be charging in the same manner as my suit.  My mech suit gave off another alert and as it came up and covered my face once again words appeared before my eyes. 

“Grab weapon to complete mech sync process.”.  I walked up to the sword and removed it from the casing.  All of a sudden, my suit dramatically started changing shape.  It started multiplying pieces of the suit and creating more armor for my body.  I looked more like a warrior now than a half skinned, half robotic freak.  The sword started to glow and so did my suit.  I could feel the energy from my suit merging with the energy from the sword and as the sync completed my battlesuit removed itself but did not revert back to my previous one but to a sort of light armored suit instead.  I placed the sword in the holster that had formed on my back and as I took one last look at Thomas’ dead body I continued to the surface.  As I approached the last of what was blocking the sky I could not yet see a thing and as I made my way outside the sky was dark red, the air smelled of charcoal and debris was floating in rhythmic patterns all around me.  I crawled up the rocky hill and as I looked back I realized that I was standing inside an enormous crater.

Yet, nothing could have prepared me for what I saw next as I reached the top.  It was complete and total horror.  My eyes shook with fear and rage and, even though I could not show it, it was very much there.  Many miles in front of me was a city laid to waste, burned to a crisp, and yet still in flames as it continued to fall apart and crumble to the ground.  I took some few more steps toward the burning city and fell to my knees.  It was true.  It was all true.  Every word of it.  I wanted to stay there and just give up.  Unfortunately, I had a mission to complete.  I had to find who did this and make things right, if that was even possible now.  I stood to my feet and progressed forward toward the city.

I was only a quarter of the way there when I stopped.  I felt something that was not normal.  I couldn’t make out whether it was just my mech suit or my bio-energy detecting abnormalities in the life forces around me.  But there were no life forces anywhere.  How could there be?  I stood there for a moment longer and then looked up.  I don’t know why I did I just felt like I needed to and that is when I saw them.  The destroyers of the world.

Develop Your Story / Re: Fallen Ztorm - Idea for a Manga
« on: April 30, 2017, 10:10:28 AM »
Yea, BUT with these powers it only seems as if he is overpowered.  I want to work on creating a character that LOOKS like his attacks are incredibly strong but in his reality they are only a fraction of his true power that he has yet to make known to himself and be able to unleash.  Honestly,  for me to continue this I need some visual stimulation.  It is hard for me to write something that I can not TRULY imagine.  I mean, I can see it in my mind but I can't see exactly how it will look if drawn out so first I need screenshot drawings to gain inspiration for this character because, right now, all I know is that he is pretty badass XD

Develop Your Story / Fallen Ztorm - Idea for a Manga
« on: April 02, 2017, 01:02:54 AM »
The following Scene is just a bit of an idea I had for a manga.  My choice vocabulary is limited so please bare with me as you will notice a lot of repeated words lol  I would like someone to take this idea and make it great.  I would love to help or at least sit in on it but its fine if i can't.  Right now, I want to know what people think of this idea and if with some tweaking and rearranging this idea could go somewhere.


Fallen Ztorm

Scene 1
A young man dressed in a long trench coat, and a fighting uniform underneath, stands in the center of an open deserted area.  He looks up into the sky while resting the open palm of his hand on the hilt of his sword.  The strong wind lifts the bottom of his coat and holds it adrift in the heavy breeze.  Dark red tinted clouds engulf the sky.  Thunder strikes all around and it begins to rain starting slow and then picking up.  The young man sees something approaching from the sky as it falls some distance in front of him creating a small crater.  A creature of indescribable horror emerges from the crater, growls at the young man, and then lets out a loud roar.  More creatures, like the first, start falling from the sky in limitless numbers.  As the creatures continue to fall from the sky, those on the surface start surrounding the young man.  He looks around at all of the monstrosities and readies his right clenched hand that has a mechanical looking exo-skeleton attachment that extends to his shoulder.  He brings his arm out in front of him and then slams his fist on the ground.  The ground moves out in all directions around the young man in a wave that pushes outward as huge chunks of the surface break off and is tossed up into the sky throwing the creatures back, except for the first fallen creature.  It stretches its mouth to a length disturbing to any human being as it lets out a terrifying roar.  It rushes at the young man at an alarming rate of speed but the warrior is faster as he dodges swing after swing from the abomination and connects his own punches to the skeleton-like creature.  It is thrown back but maintains its balance.  It roars yet again and begins to grow and cover itself with dark blackened flesh.  It attempts to land a blow on its target again but the young man moves even faster around the creature.  He jumps away, jets into the air, and looks down at the monstrosity.  His eyes begin to glow bright red as he shoots a beam of light from both eyes right at the creature.  The bright red beam wraps around the creature like an anaconda.  The young man then whips his head upward tossing the creature into the air.  He removes his blade from the holster, holds it at the center of his body, swiftly moves his blade in a pattern of strikes.  The mans left arm releases electricity that moves to his hand and then onto the blade as his blade extends toward his target.  The creature is reduced to ash as it falls to the ground.  The young man turns to see the limitless number of zombie-like beings continuing to fall to the ground and then, out from the clouds, a creature of great power appears.  It looks just like the others but stands as tall as a transformed zombie and is wearing an old and torn uniform.  It is the leader; the Queen.

Develop Your Story / Re: The Fade (Please Comment & Help Me Improve)
« on: March 05, 2017, 08:35:47 AM »
I dont have time right now to respond fully to this but I can say that I am not taking any ideas from any other stories.  This is because I don't read much of anything or watch much of anything so all of this is just me throwing in what makes sense.  Throwing in what would most likely happen in a certain situation.  Its just using my common sense to create the story.  These parts of the story though are just rough draft and can be changed but if they don't make sense to me I may find it quite hard to form a story from them. XD

Manga Writer workshop / Re: Poetry House
« on: February 02, 2017, 03:02:37 PM »
Nice. :)

Develop Your Story / Re: The Fade (Please Comment & Help Me Improve)
« on: January 22, 2017, 12:04:20 AM »
Anybody able to comment on this?

Develop Your Story / Re: Practice Makes Perfect
« on: January 20, 2017, 06:17:36 PM »
I have added the next scene.  Tell me what you think.

Develop Your Story / Re: Practice Makes Perfect
« on: January 20, 2017, 10:54:46 AM »
Correct. He was just there at the time. A terrible place to be at the wrong time. They are afraid of a rumor becoming reality and they are taking all precautions which is clouding their judgment.

Develop Your Story / The Fade (Please Comment & Help Me Improve)
« on: January 20, 2017, 01:35:25 AM »
Okay, so this is a personal matter of mine.  I am pretty sure that the majority of people that are a part of this forum are experts in Manga.  So, I thought I would work on my Manga-worthy writing skills.  Please tell me what you think of the following and please provide me with any comments, opinions, and/or ideas to help make my story better.  Would also be really cool if I found someone who actually wanted to draw for this small project of mine but that is not really priority lol  So here it is.  PS.  Apologies if some of the sentences are under the incorrect "tense" lol I tend to do that by accident.

The Fade

Intro Scene - The Accused
The young boy stands at the center of a room with his hands bound in front of him.  A group of powerful individuals are seated behind a medium that comes up to their waists.  They are 10 feet above ground as they look downward and scoff silently at the boy.  The boy begins to shed a tear and wipes it with his arm the best he can.  The man in the center of the others stands to his feet.  “Order!”  The room grows silent.  “Jason Bullock, you have been accused of speaking out against the way of our people.  You stand accused of taking part in deplorable acts that have tainted our society.  In the end, my dear boy, your sins have placed you here before us, today.  We offer you the chance to tell us where the others are so that your sentence may be of lesser consequence and yet you persist in hiding them from us.”  The boy begins to beg as the man continues.
“This, furthermore, places you at the center of this harmful group you call “The Remoted”.
“Please, I didn’t do anything wrong! You have to believe me!  I have nothing to do with them!”
“Because you refuse to tell us where your friends are stationed, you will be punished in the most severe way known to our people.”
“You can’t do this! I beg of you, please don’t do this! I didn’t do anything wrong! I didn’t do
anything wrong!”
“Your sentence, as agreed upon by the society of Elders, is banishment to “The Fade” where you will spend the rest of your days slowly and painfully deteriorating into nothingness but never dieing.  This, is now your destiny.”
“No, please.  No.  You can’t.  I didn’t...I didn’t do anything wrong.  What? No! You can’t! You can’t! 
Please, anything but that! No!”
The elders all stand and repeat the head elders words, “This is your destiny.  This is your destiny.  This is your destiny.”  They lift and place their hands over a screen that appears in front of all of them as they stand.  A hand recognition from all elders initiates a protocol called “Away to the Fade” and the area around the boy begins to twist and spin.  As metal platforms begin to move left and right and all around the boy he is hit with a thin beam of electricity.  As the platforms begin to slow and fall back into place, the boy is nowhere to be found.  The elders look around at each other as they nod in satisfaction.  “It is done.”, the head elder begins.  “Finding the others in this cult is more important than ever, now. We must find them all before it is too late and the world becomes dust under his arrival.” 
The boy attempts to rise from the ground as he feels intense pain surround his entire body.  He begins to cry out at the inability to endure such excruciating agony.  “Why! I didn’t do anything wrong!”  He falls to his knees after attempting to walk, blinded to everything around him.  The fog is surprisingly sharp as it cuts at his skin with every movement.  The rocks at his feet burn at a temperature far hotter than the sun yet only causes him more pain instead of it killing him.  Every breath he takes is a difficult one as if he is in a solid cage with no air. 
He tires himself out as he continues to cry out for help.  And as he does, his pupils begin to melt from his eyeballs and are replaced with a large red pupil that almost covers his entire eye.  His crying continues as he sits there knelt down on the surface trying to see through the never-ending mist.  Screaming...and cursing those who sent him there.

Scene 1 - The Start of Something New
As the moon shines in the sky, a young woman is running down a dim lighted alleyway frantically looking behind her at every possible moment.  Her running is stopped by a tall fence that blocks her way.  She begins to climb over it but as she reaches the top her shirt becomes snagged.  Desperately trying to break loose, her shirt rips revealing a portion of her waist but freeing her and allowing her to jump over to the other side of the fence.  As she continues to run she sees shadows of a creature moving incredibly fast around her.  The young woman keeps running until she is thrown off balance and falls to the ground.
She lifts her head up toward an unlighted corner of a dead end and a large creature appears out of the dark.  It appears to be 9 feet tall as its dark red bleeding eyes approach the woman.  The creature's arms follow behind it with its very thin 4 feet long claws treading the ground.  It appears to have the structure of a serpent with its neck able to twist and turn in every direction.  Its bleeding eyes are soon followed with a horrific face that appears to show centuries of agony and terror.  As it moves closer the girl hears its high-pitched screech overlapped by other multiple voices echoing painful misery. 
The girl realizes she is trapped and begins to scream for help but her voice only lets out a sound a little louder than a whisper.  Her fear chokes her as sweat covers her face and she prepares for death.  Just then a voice is heard.  “Acrolyte, you will not be damning anyone tonight!”  The creature lets out a scream as if alerting someone.  Two shadow beings rise from the ground and meet the other creature looking ready to attack.  The young woman musters up enough courage to get up and run for cover. 
As she finds somewhere to hide she looks up into the sky and sees a ball of fire crash down to earth striking the monstrous creatures.  However, it is realized that they are unaffected by the blast is they reform from the ground.  She then notices a large trash receptacle lifted from the ground and morphed into a star-like object with many long sharp-pointed edges.  At the center of the object, it glows as it is furiously tossed toward her enemy.  It knocks one of the creatures back pinning it against the wall and then it explodes.  The creatures molecules are scattered but the attempt is a failure. 
The creature fades into the ground and then re-emerges to continue the fight.  “Our attacks aren’t working!”, one voice calls out.  “I don’t understand.  They’ve always worked before!”, another voice echoes out.  The creatures begin their attacks as their sharp claws are released from their being and sent skyward.  “Look out!”, the same first voice shouts out in panic.  The young woman hears the sound of the sharp claws come in contact with an object followed by an “Oof!”  The woman quickly turns and screams as a person falls behind her. 
It is a man looking to be in his late 20s or early 30s.  He is wearing a white jacket that falls to his ankles.  His dirty blonde hair lies flat on all sides and stops at his shoulders with his bangs sloppily reaching halfway down his face.  He lifts himself off of his back,  grabs his forehead, and shakes his head trying to recover from the hit and fall.  “They’re growing stronger.”, he calmly states as the man is then met by two others, a man and a woman, who seem to fall from the sky the same as he.  He rises to his feet and looks in the direction of the creatures as the other two mimic his stance from behind. 
The woman shakes in fear and wonder not knowing whether or not the three people standing before her can see her.  The man who seems to be the one in charge continues.  “There is only one thing I can think of that will permanently destroy these Acrolytes.”  The woman turns her head to him in disbelief.  “But that will kill you.”
“Maybe.”, he responds with a straight face.  “But, it’s our only option now.”
“I can’t let you do that, I won’t!”
The man looks back at his female friend as she speaks up once again.  “We can find another way.  We’ve done it before and we can do it again.  There’s still time to…”
“Jade, we’ve known for a while now that they were learning; adapting to our attacks.  It was only a matter of time before this was going to happen.  You knew that, I knew that,  Riff knew that.”, the man interrupts.
Jade tries to show a brave face as she sheds a single tear for her friend.  The man turns and grabs Jade’s hands.  “Besides, I will never truly be gone.  My essence will continue into the next chosen host and my memories will be their memories.”,  he calmly says as he kisses her on the forehead.  “I will never be too far away and you can always count on me to be there, no matter what.”  Jade looks the man deeply in the eyes and they kiss passionately.  “I will always love you, Kai.”, Jade says as she breaks their kiss.  Kai smiles softly first at Jade then at Riff.  “I’ll see you in the next life, Kai.”, Riff responds.
Kai nods to Riff and then looks forward at the enemy that seems to be looking around for its prey.  “You might want to take this young lady out of the area as well.  This blast is going to be big.”, he says as he turns to look at the young woman still hiding from the battle.  “I hope you are alright.”  Riff looks over and sees the young woman partially hiding.  “Well, well, how long have you been hiding there?”  Riff smiles at the young woman and reaches out his hand.  “Come now, we aren’t going to hurt you.  In fact, we need to get you to a safe distance right away.”  The woman grabs Riff’s hand as he pulls her up.  “What...what about you?”, she says looking at Kai.  “Don’t worry about me.  This ends today.  You’ll be safe from here on out, trust me.”  He looks up at his team.  “Go, get her out of here, and don’t come back.  This power is highly unstable and will pull you in if you are inside the blast radius.”  Kai momentarily looks the young woman in the eyes.  “Good luck.”, he says as he places his hand on her shoulder.  He then turns toward the enemy once more and jets forward at the creature continuing the fight alone.  They all look at Kai for only a moment longer before they take off into the sky.  The only thing that follows them is the sound of a large blast that forms a mushroom cloud in the distance for a moment and then collapses on itself almost immediately.  The three of them land and look once more in the direction from which they came.  Jade has a look of dreadful defeat on her face.  “He’ll be back, Jade.  Don’t you worry about that.”  Jade looks over at Riff.  “I know that.  It’s just...it won’t be him.”  Beams of light flash through the midnight sky and fade away into the distance.  “I wonder who he’ll come back as this time.  Maybe it won’t even be a human.”, Riff claims as he laughs to himself.  “Not funny, Riff.”  Riff continues to laugh as he continues. “Hey, who said you can’t make love to an animal?”  Jade throws a punch at Riff which lands right on his arm as she forces a smile.  “Ow! Damn, for a girl you sure do punch hard.”
“For a man, you sure whine a lot.”
Riff laughs again for a moment and then looks over at the young woman they brought to safety.  “Do you know your way from here?”
“Yes.  Thank You.”, she responds.
“It’s no problem.  We’re here to protect.”
“Be safe young one.”, Jade says as she and Riff turn and take off.
The young woman, to avoid any other scarring events from popping up around her, decides to make her trip back home a quick one.  She hurries down street after street until she reaches her home.  She walks up to her door and reaches out to grab the handle,  A light then shoots downward and lands right in front of her floating in place.  She jumps back and falls to the ground.  The large orb seems to look her over and as it gets closer she crawls backward until a visible force stops her in her tracks.  She becomes frightened once again and as the orb swiftly launches itself at her she lets out a scream.

Yea, I'm not making a big deal about it anyways.  It's what it is you know?  If you want to help out you can if not thats totally fine. :)

You see.  Thats the problem with this world nowadays.  They are all money hungry and wont do anything unless compensation is involved.  All of this stuff people say about cost for their services is in my opinion pretty much being paid simply for their time.  I mean, is drawing utensils and equipment really that expensive that you cant afford it yourself?  And if it is how is it that you dont have a job that pays well enough to be able to purchase these items on your own? Im confused at this.  I could pay artists out of my own pocket but it wouldnt be very much.  However, i do understand where you are coming from and again like i told the other guy i am not doubting my project at all.  I am simply trying to keep myself from getting ripped off. :)

Manga Writer workshop / Re: Write A Story in 6 Words
« on: January 06, 2017, 11:24:18 PM »
Held tight, a broken gaze; Cradle.


Please direct message me at your earliest convenience.


You are correct in stating that what I said makes it SOUND like I do not believe this project will succeed.  However, we must look at reality here.  Even if you put your soul into a project and believe with all of your heart that the project will become huge it still remains at a 50/50 chance.  Therefore, I am taking precautions in case, after numerous attempts at making a story great and believing it will be great, the project IS a complete bust.  This will ensure that my money does not go to waste and I'm pretty sure that there are those out there that would not give you your money back if the project is a flop and I, definitely, can not risk that even though I would probably NOT ask for it back if their side of the project was done tremendously well.  Other than that, we ARE currently in the story making phase and trying not to leave out any important details.  Thanks for the other advice. :)

I would like to personally add that  why on earth would I pay someone for art or writing if in the end it doesn't succeed?  That, in my opinion, is throwing away money.  If I am going to pay someone I want to be certain that the story we develop is actually going to go somewhere.  Also, if the story IS a success then I can easily offer my team a greater amount of cash than I would originally be able to give.  I'm thinking of the big picture here and since I have a mediocre job I would NEVER be able to acquire a team like I have now with the paycheck I bring in now.  However, I am super generous so if this was to take off and I am hoping and praying it does, my team can be sure to receive a very nice percentage of the earnings possibly even a greater percentage than what "I" will accept.  It may not seem, right now, like I am looking out for my team but I am and they trust me enough to see this project through.  That is all I ask from them.  Their work and their ideas remain their own inside and outside of our team.  If things don't work out they are free to take their ideas elsewhere but I am going to commit everything I can toward keeping this team alive and running toward success.

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