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Messages - Hira

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1
Thank you for the suggestions, I will keep them in mind as I revise and continue to write!

2
Appreciate the ongoing assistance, with the introduction of the MC's name, I was planning to have him introduced in the 2nd chapter (where he visits his older sister), but I could think of a way to introduce him earlier if that'd be better.

I agree that there are both pros and cons to both perspectives of writing. For now I'll stick with the first person perspective.

For converting this story into a manga, I can picture certain scenes and how they could be drawn out as a manga, but for now I'll focus on making a good story.

At the beginning, there is little dialogue as it is a scene where the MC is working alone in his garage, but I plan to have more dialogue as the story progresses. I planned the beginning to be more of an introduction to the world before the action truly begins. But looking back, I can see that it may cause the first chapter to become boring which is not good. Would it be best to space out the information to lessen the amount provided to the reader at one given time?

Additionally, yes I will work on finding the balance between good description and too much description. You answered the question that I planned to ask of whether providing more in-depth descriptions on imortant scenes was alright, so thank you again.

I'll be revising the intro chapter, so it may take longer to post than the synopsis and brief history. Thank you for sticking with me!

3
Develop Your Story / Re: Lancers of Venda - Sci-Fantasy
« on: June 25, 2016, 11:04:16 PM »
Hello, thank you for taking the time to write feedback for me, there was a lot of information that I found helpful.

I will definitely be writing a story synopsis to explain the world. At first I wrote this story without the intention of showing anyone, but realized that people would not know the story like I would unless I wrote a synopsis, So I will be editing in a story synopsis when I get enough time.

As for the first person perspective, I was trying to tell the story from the perspective of the main character, his thoughts being the narration of the story. This was more of an experimental approach on my part. I normally write in 3rd person omniscient/3rd person limited. Would it be better to write in 3rd person limited for this story?

Since I was writing in first person, I did not introduce the character's name as I was trying not to force an introduction and let it happen naturally as the story unfolded. I realize now that this may be counterproductive as it may lessen the connection the reader would have with the character if they did not know his name until later on.

For the suggestions on chapters and when to start new chapters, thank you. I always tend to have more condensed chapters and I do start chapters when there's a change in setting/topic. However, I am guilty of stopping chapters abruptly when the action is just about to begin. Very true when you brought up the example of watching anime and being cut off from a resolution. I will keep that in mind when I find the urge to split chapters.

For the vehicle name, I will be changing it, I just don't like the sound of Skystrider and I don't want people to read it as "Sky-Rider".

I feel like I have improved a bit when it comes to writing, though I still need a lot more improvement. Originally, I would have written walls of text without any form, but now, I think that I have improved from that. However, I do agree that I overly explain scenes. Mostly because I wanted to, like you said, paint a picture. I remember when I first showed my friend my stories, he mentioned that I shouldn't over describe things. I remember him telling me, "I don't want to read a book that spends 3 chapters describing what an elf is." Since then I've tried to tone down the descriptions. I'll tone down a bit more now and leave more to the imagination of the readers :). I've realized from both my friend and your feedback that it may be better to leave more to the reader's imagination than trying to force my image onto them.

Again, thank you for the detailed feedback. I'll probably be writing up a synopsis of this story and rewriting the first chapter, fixing the problems that you pointed out. I don't have a lot of time to write, so it may take a while, but I hope that you can find the time to provide your feedback again in the future.

*EDIT* I have already added a brief history and a synopsis of the story.

4
Develop Your Story / Re: Laef
« on: June 21, 2016, 09:25:13 PM »
I read through it, with the description of the panels, I thought that it was fairly easy to follow. Would like to read more :).

Aside from that, I'm not very experienced, but I don't have anything else to comment about.

5
Welcome Center / Re: Hello World
« on: June 20, 2016, 04:17:50 PM »
Thank you for the welcomes and positive words! I have just posted my first topic in the Develop Your Story section.
Hopefully you have the time to read and provide some feedback.

6
Hello everyone. This is going to be my firsts story post to the forums. I would like to get some feedback on how my writing and grammar is and whether this work is something that would turn into an interesting story.

A Brief History of the World ***NEW***
Spoiler
On the planet of Aran, an apocalyptic event has decimated its surface, leaving nothing behind but a sea of lava. However, equipped with Proto-Reactors, the major cities managed to save its inhabitants by taking refuge in the sky. These cities rose up from the ground, taking the land around them and creating floating islands capable of sustaining life.

In the aftermath of the calamity, life slowly became peaceful again. The cities grew and re-populated. Technology became evermore advanced as life continued passed the catastrophe for more than a century. But the peace was never meant to last. Ten years prior to the present, Molten Beasts began emerging from the wastelands below. The first year of the Molten Beasts’ arrival was horrendous. Molten Beasts freely flew into the cities and slaughtered many citizens. The massive guns surrounding the cities, remnants of a war long forgotten, were not mobile enough to combat hordes of monsters.

Venda, the largest city of Aran, proposed the Lancer Initiative to combat this newfound threat. Taking the racing vehicles, the Sky-Strider, used in Sky Circuit Racing (SCR, the current, most prominent sport in Aran), the Lancer Initiative modified them for combat, fitting them with energy shields and removing the handlebar controls in favor of a single handed maneuver stick. Additionally, they developed weapons capable of withstanding the lava that ran through each Molten Beast like blood. These weapons became the most effective way in killing the monsters.

To this day, the Lancers have protected Venda and the other cities from certain destruction at the hands of the Molten Beasts. They have become such a success that skilled individuals and squads became famous among the populace, equal to that of an SCR Champion. Lancers have since become a pillar of popular culture in Aran next to Sky Circuit Racing.

Synopsis of the Story ***NEW***
Spoiler
The story follows the protagonist, Roy Maverick, a skilled engineer and operator of Sky-Striders. From a once renowned family of operators, Roy was disciplined at birth to operate and maintain a Sky-Strider. However, as one of the few remaining members of his house, Roy has allowed the family’s name to fall to that of an urban folktale.

Roy has since become an illegal Sky-Strider operator, Un-registered to the Sky Circuit Racing organization, the Lancer Initiative, or any other official body that sanctions an individual’s use of a Sky-Strider. As such, he is operating against the law. However, this does not stop him from assisting the Lancers’ operations in defending Venda from the Molten Beasts as an unidentified vigilante. Roy’s illegal actions soon lead to him being caught and imprisoned. During his short stay in prison, he is visited by a Lancer squad captain, James Vanderlain. James offers Roy a position in his squad. After brief negotiations, Roy becomes an honorary member of the Lancers.

Roy then attends the Lancer Orientation where he is shown the basics of what it takes to be a Lancer. Naturally, Roy’s skill as an operator outshines the new recruits and he is soon authorized for real combat. As his continuous efforts in the Lancer Initiative rockets him into fame, so too does it put him in more danger. Eventually, Roy’s heroism culminates into an attempted assassination on him by an underground organization that worships the Molten Beasts, The Harbingers of the True God. These cultists aim to hinder and terrorize anybody who goes against the will of the so called “Molten God”.

After the failed assassination attempt, Roy and the Lancer Initiative begin to fight back against the cultists, eventually leading to the dissolution of the group and the end to the inner turmoil of Venda with the leader of the cultists saying in his dying breath, “The last days are upon you. Will you not acknowledge his power after you lose everything dear to you?” Because of this, Roy grows increasingly more wary as to the reason the Molten Beasts appeared and the reason behind the catastrophe.

Roy’s suspicions come to fruition when the Molten God reveals himself as a massive Molten Beast. The ensuing battle involving thousands of Lancers and tens of thousands of Molten Beasts is gruesome and hard-fought, leaving the city of Venda in shambles and many people dead. However, in one final ditch offense by the Lancer Initiative lead by Roy, they manage to defeat the Molten God. As the Molten God falls back into the wasteland, the hordes of Molten Beasts crumble and return to the sea of lava beneath Venda. The planet of Aran has once again entered a period of peace with Roy becoming the legendary hero that brought about a brighter tomorrow.

Characters I have so far: Brief Intros
Spoiler
Roy "Rust Rider" Maverick - The protagonist and narrator of the story. A highly skilled engineer and Skystrider operator from a formerly well-known family. Vigilante defender of Venda.

Lia Maverick - Roy Maverick's older sister and the last remaining Maverick next to Roy. She is crippled and can no longer operate a Skystrider.

Mary "Sky Queen" Windheart - An SCR (Sky Circuit Racing) Racer. She is the undefeated champion and the eventual love interest of Roy Maverick.

James Vanderlain - Skilled Lancer and combat captain of the entire Lancer organization. Though he captains the entire Lancer offensive, he has a personal squad of Lancers that accompany him into combat like other squad leaders.

Joshua Reed - A skilled Lancer and eventual rival/best friend of Roy Maverick. He is in James Vanderlain's Lancer squad.

Melody Reluvia - A Lancer who transfers from another city, Lessiria. She joins James Vanderlain's Lancer squad.

Izzy Maybel - An amazing engineer who is assigned to James Vanderlain's squad. The younger sister of Joy Maybel.

Joy Maybel - A Lancer under James Vanderlain and the older sister of Izzy Maybel.

Karen Ashton - Founder of the Lancers and part of the Venda Governing Council. She is like the mother figure to the Lancers.

Gallon Faraway - A rival squad leader to James Vanderlain who looks down on him. He thinks that he should be the captain of the Lancers instead of James.

Jack Jones - A Lancer in James Vanderlain's squad.

So those are the characters that I have thought up for now. I have a bigger bio on all of them which details their involvement in the story, but I do not want to spoil the entire story just yet :).

Next, I'll move on to an introduction chapter to the story and the world. I tried my best to write this and would like some feedback on where I stand skill wise and how I can improve (Also if the story is interesting and if you would like to read more). I cannot tell you guys how many times I come back to chapters that I write to constantly revise, reword and rewrite. As a writer, I'm never satisfied with what I write and always try to write it better. I realize that I'll never be able to achieve a "perfect" chapter so I've decided to show this chapter to more people and get unbiased feedback.

Intro Chapter: First Version
Spoiler
I lay underneath a heap of rusting metal that I called my Skystrider. It hovered above me elegantly, unbefitting of its exterior looks. A Skystrider is a high octane motorcycle-like vehicle used to dart through the skies, but my Skystrider definitely did not look the part. One glance at it, and people would think it was scrap metal, but I’d like to think that I’m the best engineer and operator in Venda. As such, this Skystrider is the best one out there as well.

The smell of grease mixed with sweat and oil filled the air in my garage. The wrench in my hand twisted until the final bolt between its hook and heel was tightly fixed. I let out a sigh of relief as my hands fell to the floor in exhaustion, the wrench landed with a clang as I let it slide out of my grip.

 I lay underneath my old Skystrider for what seemed to be forever, my chest quickly rising up and down as I caught my breath. Sweat rolled down my forehead and onto the concrete floor. I lifted my arm and wiped my forehead with the back of my hand, leaving behind a black smudge of grease.

Closing my eyes, I listened to the wind blowing into my opened garage door. I could hear the distant engines of Skystriders rocketing through the air at the Sky Circuit Racing Stadium, the crowd cheering and the announcer bellowing out the winner over the speakerphone as a foghorn roared, “Mary Windheart, the Sky Queen, with another landslide victory! Stay in your seats folks as we’ll shortly be proceeding to the podium for an after race interview!”

A grin beamed across my face as I chuckled, “Ha, Sky Queen, pretentious much?” I suppose I shouldn’t be questioning nicknames. Mine was no better.

I used my legs to push myself out from underneath my Skystrider before sitting up and looking out at the horizon beyond my garage doors. My house lay on a floating island near the outskirts of Venda. There were only a few meters of land surrounding it before the ground gave way into the vast skies surrounding the city. Below, a churning ocean of lava that the survivors of the catastrophe correctly named, “The Molten Wasteland”, was all that was left of the once beautiful planet of Aran.

If you asked almost anyone, they would say that the wasteland below was a repulsive reminder of the darkest time in history that happened a century ago, but if you asked me, looking past the history and the millions of lives lost, the wasteland has its charms. Don’t get me wrong, the event was a tragedy, but the result produced something strangely beautiful. The contrasting glow of red and orange emanating beneath Venda and the greenish blue aura winding through a night sky riddled with billions of stars is hypnotizing. The setting sun amplified the effect ten-fold.

The scene in front of me was almost enough to help me forget about the new dangers lurking on this planet. With the molten catastrophe came a period of unusual quiet. Calm before the real storm.

Ten years ago that calm ended. Terrifying horrors began flying up from the abyss, the Molten Beasts. Molten Beasts are giant flying creatures that vary in size and look. However, all of them have wingspans of over thirty feet, razor sharp talons accompanied with a gaping maw of jagged teeth for devouring humans and sharp tails used for sneakily impaling their opponent from unexpected angles. Their rocky exterior is accented with red lava that glowed through the cracks of their armor and through the sockets of where their eyes were meant to be. Though the massive turrets surrounding the city are enough to hold them back, smaller guns do next to nothing to their hardened rock armor. Even with the Proto-reactor, which allows the city to freely fly through the sky and constantly be on the move, Molten Beasts always found us. As such, a mobile force was petitioned as a first line of defense against these monsters. Bring the fight to them before they even get to the city.

Enter the Lancers, an organization of brave hearts and elite soldiers founded by a member of the Venda Governing Council, Karen Ashton. These soldiers were trained to operate modified Skystriders equipped with an energy shield which protects the rider from debris and flying lava. These shields are tough, but it does not make an operator invincible. For the offensive, Lancers wield enhanced spears and lances capable of piercing a Molten Beast’s armor and withstanding the lava which flows through them like blood. I have no clue on the tech behind those weapons, but they are the only effective and sustainable way of defending this city. Perhaps they were made of the same material as my dagger, the one that was handed down to me by my late grandfather. Dragon’s Steel he called it, a rare metal. Highly unlikely that it could be mass-produced on a level that could outfit thousands of Lancers. Their weapons are a mystery.

Sirens blared.

I snapped myself out of my mindless stupor and jumped to my feet.

Night fell upon Venda like a mother blanketing her child in preparation for bed, but the nights in Aran brought nightmares. I could hear the hints of panic in the once excited announcer at the S.C.R. Stadium. He spoke over the speakerphone, “L-ladies and gentlemen please remain calm and head for your homes. The after race proceedings have been cancelled. I repeat, the after race proceedings have been cancelled.”

It’s time.

I raced over to the workstation that sat on one side of my garage and reached for my dagger, strapping it onto my belt.

Reaching into my pocket, I pull out a red bandana and wrap it around my face to conceal my identity. There’s no time to change, so a tank top and workpants would have to do.

I quickly moved back towards my Skystrider and swung my leg over the hunk of machinery.

Pulling out a key from my pocket, I jammed it into the ignition and twisted. The engine roared to life as I placed my left hand onto the maneuver stick of the vehicle. I looked down at the dashboard and see my family’s insignia, “Maverick”.

Hundreds of Lancers soared past my house at shocking speeds; their thundering engines drowned out the sound of my idled Skystrider and shook the foundations of my house.

I looked up and watched for a moment as the Lancers bolted towards the battlefield. I took a deep breath as my left hand slowly pushed the maneuver stick of my Skystrider.

 My Skystrider listed forward.

So that was the beginning of my story. I'm not sure whether I should continue this chapter or start a new chapter for the next part. I've looked back at my work and have seen that I can combine this chapter with the next chapter. I'm not very good with separating my work into chapters and almost all the time I split chapters that could be combined together in order to create a sort of tension and for the reader to want to read what happens in the next chapter. This method of mine results in having over 40 chapters in a book which I think may be too much. Any thoughts?

Also, a small thing, I've named the vehicles in my story "Skystrider", but I'm not sure if that is a nice name for it. It is a placeholder name, until I find a better one, or if its not actually that bad.

Additional feedback would be appreciated - the interest of the story, the grammar, paragraphing/format, changes to the chapter, etc. Naturally I would like to eventually convert this and my other works into a manga, but I do not have the talent needed for that. I'm horrible with paneling and drawing, but I hope my story telling makes up for that!

7
Welcome Center / Hello World
« on: June 20, 2016, 01:14:29 AM »
Hey everybody, I'm a new member who enjoys writing stories and watching anime. Since I was a child, I loved to make stories and have made a couple of "comics" during my childhood. I'd like to think I have a big imagination. However, I do not have a lot of experience outside of just word vomiting onto a page whenever an idea hits me. I write stories very sporadically and tend to put a story away for months before coming back to it. Writing is more of a hobby for me, but I would like to improve and possibly turn this hobby into something more by getting support and motivation to write :).

Currently, I have three stories that I am creating and have only shown my writing to one of my friends who has been a significant help in advancing my writing. However, I have finally built up the confidence to show more people my work and hopefully get some constructive feedback. I will hopefully (If I don't get caught up with my schedule) be posting some chapters of these stories for feedback. Though I love writing, I am actively running a business and may not have time to consistently post my stories.

Here are the titles that I am working on:

1. Red of Clover [Name may be revised]: A really long Fantasy story that I had finished only to get scrapped. Now I am rewriting it again. This story spanned over four books (Each over 75k words in length). I would like say that this is my biggest work and will take the longest to finish now that I am rewriting it. My dream is to make this into a long running manga like Naruto, One Piece, etc.

2. Lancers of Venda: The most recent Sci-Fantasy story of mine that I am writing and probably the best show of my current writing skills. I will be posting chapters of this story for feedback on my writing and how interesting the story is.

3. Contracts: A Sci-fi story that was sent to the back burner. I have the general idea and direction of this story, but have constantly struggled to produce writing that I feel is right. Every time I start writing for this story, I just scrap the intro and keep on redoing it.

Aside from writing, I also dabble in music production and am slowly learning how to draw... (Emphasis on 'slowly')

Anyway, I hope I'm not rambling. This was an introduction to myself and the works that I plan on posting to this forum. Hopefully I don't lose my confidence!

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