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1

Manga Creations / Immortal

« on: October 10, 2021, 05:43:25 AM »

Hey raiders, here's the first chapter of my novel Immortal.

It's a story that a long time ago I posted here as it was intended to be manga. (You can find it here although I advise not reading it to avoid spoilers with the worse version of the story.)

Anyway, this time I did finish it in novel format and now I'm at the editing phase. It's going a bit slow since until now I mostly did it with a workshop group who wasn't really the target audience. Hope the raiders would give me a bit more motivation to get it into the state it should be in.

Anyway, I'll be posting the chapters weekly or bi-weekly so please enjoy the story and all feedback is welcome.

Chapter 1: Vile Immortal

Spoiler

The immortal grunted as they dragged him across the town. The pain lingered throughout his body as it ground against the muddy streets of Zehar.
His skin was dark gray, but it hardly showed through the amount of dirt gathered on his body. No one bothered to clean him since he was a vile immortal.
There was no place for immortals in the world of ohrols, despite them being born from those same ohrols and looking no different. At least they would have looked the same if ohrols didn’t take care of that. To keep themselves safe from immortals, ohrols withheld food from them which gave immortals their corpse-like appearance.
The immortal was grateful for the scorching sun that burned his skin from above. If it weren’t for it, the muddy streets of Zehar would have been packed with ohrols, that have nothing but hatred for him. The sun kept regular ohrols in their mud-brick houses, while the slave ohrols were at work elsewhere.
The soldiers were the only ones who were out at noon in Zehar, so the immortal only had to deal with the two soldiers that dragged him. The male soldier was tall and bulky, wearing a helmet to show off an air of importance. The female soldier left her head uncovered, letting her long dark-blue hair guard her dark-gray skin.
The female soldier stopped. “Why should I be dragging you?” she kicked the immortal.
The kick forced the air out of his lungs. A long time ago, that would have provoked a reaction from him, but now he was resigned to his miserable fate and awaited the day they would finally manage to kill him.
“What is with that look!” the soldier shouted as she kicked him once more. “Stand up and walk!”
“Stop it, Tertia! You know that simple kicks won’t make it listen,” the other soldier said, “For these monsters, you need at least something like this.”
The other soldier struck with his halberd, breaking the immortal’s neck. The pain overwhelmed his body. Within seconds, the head snapped back, making it look as if no damage was done to him.
“You know these monsters don’t listen unless you do at least something like this,” the soldier said with a smug face.
“You are right!” Tertia unsheathed her sword and stabbed the immortal in the back. As Tertia pulled out her sword, a small amount of blood spurted out. Seconds later, all the blood returned to the immortal’s body and with it Tertia’s sword.
After a few stabs, Tertia reached into her pocket and took out a vial with a light-blue liquid in it.
The other soldier grabbed her hand. “Don’t be stupid! Why would you waste scaturr’s spit on this filth? It won’t change anything. And you know there’s a decline in scaturrs lately.”
“It’s just for fun. I won’t use a lot,” Tertia said. “Besides, I paid for it.”
The other soldier released Tertia’s hand. “Bah! Do what you want.”
Tertia dripped scaturr’s spit on the tip of the sword and put the vial away. She stabbed the immortal once more, and with the effect of the spit, blood gushed out furiously.
“Why won’t you die, monster?!” Tertia said as she continually wounded the immortal.
The immortal wondered why everyone called him a monster as he never harmed a single ohrol throughout his long life. Soon enough, those thoughts left him as the pain of being killed repeatedly overwhelmed him. Even though his body recovered after every wound that the soldier inflicted, the pain was unbearable.
He wanted the pain to stop. Only listening to the orders made the torture stop. That was one of the few things he learned about the ohrol world. The pain never stopped, unless you obeyed. And for immortals, that worked only sometimes.
The immortal mustered the tiny amount of strength he had in him to rise. He lifted his chest, but another stab slammed him to the ground. The pain was excruciating. He had to stand up. Once more he tried to lift his body, and another stab brought him back to the floor. He cried out in pain.
“What was that?” Tertia muttered.
“I think it is trying to stand up,” said the other soldier.
Tertia looked at the creature and saw the immortal struggling to get up.
“You finally learned!” she said, sheathing her sword. “Get up and walk!”
As the soldier stopped attacking him, the immortal tried to stand up. His hands trembled as he pushed against the ground. He got onto his legs, making his entire body shake. With no muscles to move his bones, everything was a struggle.
He cursed his body for being born the way it was. Other immortals that he met were released from their suffering after some time. The priests always found a way to get rid of the immortals. He saw many of them being killed with his own eyes, but he was the only one who was truly immortal. No method the priests used on him would end his suffering.
“Let’s go!” Tertia said.
He started walking behind the soldiers. The immortal mustered up enough strength for a few slow steps before the soldiers got so far away that the rope pulled him to the ground once more.
Tertia looked at him and sighed before she turned forward. “Guess I have to drag you there in the end.” She started pulling him by the rope once more.
They reached one of the buildings the immortal despised, the barracks. They were filled with young ohrol soldiers listening to their instructor explaining how they should attack their enemy. The immortal shivered as, within moments, those instructions were meant to be tested on him.
“Hold your swords properly when you strike,” the old ohrol instructed. His coarse voice spread throughout the training grounds. The two soldiers with the immortal walked up to them. Tertia pulled up the immortal by the rope and threw him in front of the young soldiers.
“Here you go! Enjoy cutting the monster up,” she said and walked away.
The old instructor looked at the immortal on the ground who refused to get up as that delayed the inevitable pain. “It is of no use like this,” the instructor said to Tertia, who was already at the doors.
“Cutting it up is all this monster is good for,” Tertia laughed.
The instructor frowned and raised his voice, “They sure need to practice cutting up the opponent, but when they will fight in battle, their opponent won’t be lying on the floor like this one here.”
Tertia stood at the entrance. “What else do you want from me? I already brought it here.”
“Get it up!” the instructor said. “Or should I speak with your superiors once more, Tertia?”
“Fine.” Tertia sighed. She walked up to the immortal, crouched down, and grabbed him by his dirty hair. She lifted his head to whisper into his ear.
“Will you get up by yourself? Or—” Tertia grabbed her sword, “— should we repeat our play from moments ago?”
The pain still lingered in his body. He rose as fast as his frail body allowed.
“Smart boy,” Tertia snickered.
“That’s much better!” the instructor said as the immortal stood up.
“Well. That’s it from me. Have fun being cut up, monster!” Tertia said to the immortal and slapped him on the back. The slap was weak, but it knocked the immortal back to the ground.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to do that.” Tertia laughed at his fall. “Here, let me help you.” She grabbed the immortal, squeezing his hands tighter than necessary and propping him up like a sack of dirt.
Tertia hung her arm around the immortal’s neck, talking into his ear. “Now, I want you to cooperate with them, otherwise I will get in trouble. Understood?”
The immortal didn’t care what would happen to her, but listening reduced the pain. And considering how much pain the trainees were about to cause him, he nodded.
“See, no trouble. It’s not that bad if you listen. We could even be friends,” she said.
The soldier’s words amused him. Immortals had no friends. As soon as he learned that no one would help him, the immortal stopped remembering faces. There was no point in trying. He would outlive them all.
“I would love to watch you during the training”— Tertia laughed —”but I have other things to do. I’ll come to pick you up later. Then you can tell me about all the fun you had today.”
The immortal faced the trainees, bracing for all the pain that awaited. He went through the training sessions thousands of times, and he never got used to the pain that accompanied them. He wished for a day when he would be released from the pain to come.
He wished for death to free him.

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

2

General Discussion / What do you want to have explained before requesting/accepting commission

« on: September 22, 2021, 09:54:21 AM »

Early in this year, I started to work on turn-based RPG (heavily inspired by JRPGs) which uses manga as a story-telling mechanism.
I commissioned one artist to make the art for the game, but that collaboration kinda flopped. I even wanted to post a lot about the project here on the forums but things went downhill as soon as I started.
The flop might have been due to my project requiring art to be done digitally, while the artist had little experience with it. Turns out, we were both naive and thought that the artist could easily adjust to making digital art, but as it proved difficult the artist started to be less engaged in the project and unfortunately the collaboration had to end.

Now I'm preparing myself and the project for another search for an artist. This time I want to have the expectations of the artist and the explanations of the project done to the best it can be so that I do not end up wasting another 6 months or a certain amount of money to end up with no results.

So I'm wondering what kind of things you like to have prepared/documented as a writer who is commissioning for the artist, or the other way around, what thing you like to know before taking a commission as an artist?

I am aware that the project on hand is a video game, and not manga, but the nature of this collaboration is to be virtually the same as manga, as all the game elements are handled purely by me and the artist has little to worry about those things.
Any advice would be welcome as I definitely plan to post the commission here as well, and hopefully find someone to work together with.

3

Manga Art Gallery / Nephtyke Art

« on: June 10, 2021, 09:23:23 PM »

I'll be posting some art for a Manga JRPG called Nephtyke that I'm working on in this Gallery.
The art is by an artist that I'm collaborating with, but she is not on the forum. (At least not yet, but might convince her join)

For a start, here's concept art for the game's villain Ea.



Ea is a tectodian made invulnerable by a Life Elementalist.
She is now leading the tectodians of the Tectos Kingdom in a war to destroy Center Duality and enact revenge on the tectodians of the Duality for betraying their people.

4

Welcome Center / After long years of absence, I'm back

« on: June 09, 2021, 09:35:05 AM »

Hi everyone,

not sure if anyone even remembers me as I was active about 7-8 years ago and no idea how many from back then are still active.

I used to write about chapters for a manga that I wanted to make called Immortal.
You can find the writings of it here: https://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php/topic,11692.msg194927.html#msg194927
Unfortunately, I didn't finish it in this post as back then there didn't seem to be much interest around it. I think the post was read only about a couple of hundred times. But now that I checked it, that number grew quite a lot, and I actually wrote the story in book format through to the end. So if anyone is still interested let me know and I might start posting it on the forum.

Besides that, I actually managed to move to Japan, so I live and work here now, but not yet on a manga.
However, I did find an artist to work with and started to work on a new project. It's a manga JRPG called Nephtyke and will be posting a lot about it here.

Hope I'll have fun with everyone here as I used to years ago.

5

Manga Creations / Answer

« on: September 01, 2014, 06:04:12 PM »

Ok I wrote a short story for Hanabi to practice his drawing.
Genre is horror. (Hope it is scarry at least a bit)

It only has one character called Sora.
Sora's description:

Spoiler

Sora is a Japanese student in her early twenties. She has short black hair. She is 174 cm tall and is very thin. Wear jeans with red t-shirt.

Story script:

Spoiler

PAGE 1

Panel 1:
DESCRIPTION:
Young blonde girl is surounded by a bunch of monsters whose eyes are glowing red
DIALOGUE:
Monsters: Huuuuuman. Human. Human. HUUUUMAAAAAAN.

Panel 2:
DESCRIPTION:
Everything is black
DIALOGUE:
Girl: Kyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh!!

Panel 3:
DESCRIPTION:
A cinema. At the top of a panel is a screen on which are credits shown. Bellow the screen are seats and people watching the movie.

Panel 4:
DESCRIPTION:
Sora shown from her profile view. She sighs.
DIALOGUE:
Sora: Boring.

Panel 5:
DESCRIPTION:
Sora is getting up from her seat.
DIALOGUE:
Sora: What happened with horror movies? They used to be much scarier.

PAGE 2
Panel 6:
DESCRIPTION:
Sora walking through the streets, she is shown from her profile view. In front of her is a guy who seems to be in his thirties. His wearing a hoodie and is smoking a cigarette. He is holding a book under his arm.
DIALOGUE:
Sora: Don’t know why I keep watching those horror movies when they stopped being scary.

Panel 7:
DESCRIPTION
Sora and a guy bump accidentally.
DIALOGUE:
Sora: Sorry.

Panel 8:
DESCRIPTION:
The guy pays no attention to it and keeps walking. Sora gets angry, turns around and yells at the guy.
DIALOGUE:
Sora: Hey, at least apologize if you don’t hit someone.

Panel 9:
DESCRIPTION:
A book that that guy was holding under his arm is on the floor. The book has hard black covers with some golden lines on it and in the middle is written “ANSWER” with huge letters.

Panel 10:
DESCRIPTION:
Sora picks up the book.
DIALOGUE:
Sora: Eh!? What’s this? He must have dropped it when we bumped earlier.

Panel 11:
DESCRIPTION:
Sora holds the book up with her right hand and is shouting.
DIALOGUE:
Sora: Hey! You dropped your book.

PAGE 3
Panel 12:
DESCRIPTION:
There are few random pedestrians shown but no sight of that guy.
DIALOGUE:
Sora: Eh?! Where did he go?

Panel 13:
DESCRIPTION:
Sora opens a book.
DIALOGUE:
Sora: Maybe there’s some information about him in the book.

Panel 14:
DESCRIPTION:
An empty page of the book is shown. In it is written “Do you want to know the answer?” with black ink. On some letters there are drips of ink. (All of the letters in the book are written this way.)
DIALOGUE:
Sora: What the hell is this? Creepy.

Panel 15:
DESCRIPTION:
Sora turns the book around.
DIALOGUE:
Sora: Seems that there’s no info about him anywhere. I’ll drop this at police station tomorrow then.

Panel 16:
DESCRIPTION:
Sora is in her home, sitting by the desk and is reading something on her PC. The book is to her left side.
DIALOGUE:
Sora: I’m bored. Might as well see what’s in this creepy book.

Panel 17:
DESCRIPTION:
Sora is holding the opened book. She has a puzzled face.
DIALOGUE:
Sora: Do you want to know the answer? Answer to what?

Panel 18:
DESCRIPTION:
Sora turns a page.

PAGE 4
Panel 19:
DESCRIPTION:
Another page of the book with “The answer to what has been bothering you lately” written.
DIALOGUE:
Sora: What’s bothering me lately!? Is it about the movies?

Panel 20:
DESCRIPTON:
Sora turns the page again. She seems a bit troubled.
DIALOGUE:
Sora: This is getting more and more creepy.

Panel 21:
DESCRIPTION:
Another page, this time a map is drawn. At one part there is written “Shibuya station”. There is an arrow pointing at a small pathway. “Go there” is written at the end of arrow.
DIALOGUE:
Sora: Shibuya station? This is a map of the neighborhood. It’s telling me to go to alley near that ramen shop. What’s there?

Panel 22:
DESCRIPTION:
Another page. “The answer to your question” is written this time.

Panel 23:
DESCRIPTION:
Sora is walking through the streets holding the book in her hand. She seems a bit frustrated.
DIALOGUE:
Sora: Can’t believe I’m doing what a book is telling me to do.

Panel 24:
DESCRIPTION:
Two buildings with a dark alley between them.
DIALOGUE:
Sora: This is it. What now?

PAGE 5
Panel 25:
DESCRIPTION:
Another page. “Go through the alley” is written this time.

Panel 26:
DESCRIPTION:
Sora is looking at the alley, she has a puzzled look.
DIALOGUE:
Sora: Go through? Doesn’t this alley have a dead end?

Panel 27:
DESCRIPTION:
Sora is walking in complete darkness. Nothing can be seen besides her.
DIALOGUE:
Sora: How can this place be so dark?

Panel 28:
DESCRIPTION:
Sora is still walking in in darkness. Now she seems frustrated.
DIALOGUE:
Sora: How long is this alley?

Panel 29:
DESCRIPTION:
Sora notices the light in front of her.
DIALOGUE:
Sora: Ah! There’s the end!

Panel 30:
DESCRIPTION:
Sora walks into the light.
DIALOGUE:
Sora: Finally!

PAGE 6
Panel 31:
DESCRIPTION:
Sora is surounded by the same mosters from the first panel.
DIALOGUE:
Monsters: Huuuuuman. Human. Human. HUUUUMAAAAAAN.

Panel 32:
DESCRIPTION:
Everything is black
DIALOGUE:
Sora: Kyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh!!

Panel 33:
DESCRIPTION:
Book is dropped on the floor and is open. “This is your answer” is written.

I left the end for self interpretation, but not sure if there can be any other interpretation beside the one I have. So post what do you think the answer is so I can see if there can be some difference. Also give your opinions on other things as well.

6

Develop Your Story / Need help with title

« on: August 25, 2014, 06:17:11 PM »

So I was planning to write a story for one-shot manga but can't decide on the title for it.

Manga would be about death god/angel/ whatever kind of guy from the world of the dead, who works in a squad that is responsible for preventing people from suiciding.

At first I planned to make it bigger and still may expand it someday, but for now I'll keep it to only one-shot. Also I had some ideas for other squads that would have their own manga and be related to this one.

Some of my ideas for the title were:
Shinigami:suicide squad - not really sure about this one since I feel like the word shinigami is abused lately and people will mostly associate with bleach. Also might abbreviate it to SSS. Abbreviation wouldn't be good if I decided to do other manga related to this one

Death god: suicide squad - not really fit since the character doesn't have any godlike powers except traveling between the world of dead and living.

Reapers: suicide squad - this one doesn't really fit since character doesn't reap souls, in fact he prevents people from killing themselves.

I'm mostly going for the suicide squad part since there might be other squad's manga in the future.


So tell me which one you prefer, or give me some of your own ideas.

7

Manga Artists Wanted / Writer searching for an artist to create a duo

« on: August 13, 2014, 07:31:28 PM »

I'm looking for an artist with whom I would be working on creating manga. Unfortunately, I can't pay anything (for now), and instead am going for the shared profit method.

For the start I want to make a smaller manga so that we could develop our teamwork.
The manga I had in mind to be working on is this: http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php/topic,11692.0.html

If you want I can PM you in short how story fully develops and the plot twists.
Also we would make an agreement on how I should format the script and about other work if the need for it arises.

After doing one or two smaller mangas, and if the artist would still be up for it, then we would start with making one of my bigger stories and try to get published. Not neccesarily that we won't try to get smaller ones published as well.

8

Discussions / Immortal: Discussion thread

« on: August 12, 2014, 07:23:00 PM »

Here you can post your thoughts, impressions, critiques and whatever else you want to say about manga Immortal.
Link to the chapters: http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php/topic,11692.0.html

9

Manga Creations / Immortal : chapter #13 is out

« on: August 03, 2014, 04:45:05 PM »

This is my first work that i will be posting here.
Genre is action, supernatural, seinen. Manga should have around 30 chapters/ 4 volumes.

To discuss the story head to the discussion thread here: http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php?topic=11749.msg196189#msg196189

Chapter 1 (last modified 17. 03. 2015.)

Spoiler

SCENE:
Dark hallway. Two guards dressed in plate armor are dragging a guy who is nothing but skin and bones. His skin is covered in dirt and his hair is very long and messy. He has a big scar around his chest that seems like burn mark, but it’s barely noticeable from the dirt on his skin.

DIALOGUE:
Guard 1: Stop dragging your feet.
Guard 2: Why don’t you walk on your own, you piece of *censored*.

ACTION:
One of the guards kicks the guy in ribs.

DIALOGUE:
Guard 1: Can’t wait to see you get cut up.

ACTION:
They exit through the hallway and enter into training grounds.

SCENE:
Training grounds, there are bunch of young soldiers standing in line all pumped up. In front of them is an old instructor. 2 guards came with the guy next to instructor.

DIALOGUE:
Guard 1: Here you go boys. We brought some meat for testing your skills.

ACTION:
Guards throw the guy onto ground.

DIALOGUE:
One of the trainees: There is barely any meat on him to train on.

ACTION:
All of the trainees start laughing.

DIALOGUE:
Instructor (angrily): Enough! Meat is not a problem when you cut someone up, bones are. And he has plenty of bones for that.

ACTION:
Guard kicks Solus.

DIALOGUE:
Guard 1: Get up, you piece of *censored*.

ACTION:
Another guard picks him up and makes him stand.

DIALOGUE:
Guard 2: If you listen to what we say, it’ll be over faster.
Instructor: You, boy! (points at one of the trainees) Show me how deep you can cut.

ACTION:
Young trainee walks up to instructor and Solus holding his sword in hand.

DIALOGUE:
Trainee 1: So what should I do first?
Instructor: How about you try cutting his head off?
Trainee 1: OK.

ACTION:
Young trainee raises his sword.
He cuts Solus’ head off in one swing.
Solus’ head flies off, while his body falls to the floor.

DIALOGUE:
Instructor: Very good, but try not to telegraph your attacks so much.

ACTION:
Solus’ head, which is on the floor, starts rolling towards the body.
Soon after, it connects with the body.
Solus gets up as if nothing happened to him.

DIALOGUE:
Trainee 2: It really is as if nothing happened to him.
Trainee 3:  Being immortal is so great. You can’t die no matter what.
Trainee 2: It’s not so great. Haven’t you heard what they do to them?
Trainee 4: Besides, a lot of them can still die if they are killed plenty of times in a short period.

ACTION:
Instructor sends Trainee 1 back.

DIALOGUE:
Instructor: Alright, who’s next?

ACTION:
Another trainee comes up.

DIALOGUE:
Instructor: Let’s see you try piercing his heart.

ACTION:
Trainee stabs Solus in his heart.
As trainee pulls his sword out, blood gushes out of him.
But even before reaching the floor, blood returns to Solus’ body.

DIALOGUE:
Instructor: Much better. Next!

SCENE:
Streets of lower Zehar. Pathways are mostly muddy and houses resemble those from ancient Egypt. There are plenty of people on the street that are covered in mud and are quite skinny from not eating well. Same 2 guards are dragging Solus through streets. They arrive to the fat slaver.

DIALOGUE:
Slaver: Oh, welcome back. Was he of good use today?
Guard 1: Yes. Trainees cut him up really well.
Guard 2: Here’s the payment.
Slaver: Thank you. Could you guys take him to his cell please?
Guard 1: Sure thing.

ACTION:
Guards throw Solus in his cell.

DIALOGUE:
Guard 1: Until next time, you trash.

SCENE:
Some other day, Adal is walking through streets of lower Zehar. He is alone. On the streets there are a lot of skinny and dirty people.

ACTION:
Adal walks to the slaver’s house while avoiding other people.

DIALOGUE:
Slaver: Lord Adal, to what do we owe the honor of your visit?
Adal: I came to buy this immortal that you have.
Slaver: I must ask you for what purpose do you need him.
Adal: I need him for training purpose. I want to get rid of my bad habit.
Slaver: Ah yes, of course. No one even buys him for anything other than cutting him up.

SCENE:
Dark room that has nothing in it, Solus, who is nothing but skin and bones, is lying on the floor, while slaver is at the entrance of the room.

DIALOGUE:
Slaver:  Get up, you piece of trash. From today on you got a new master.
Solus: Ugh...

SCENE:
Spacious dark room, which resembles some kind of solitary, with only one small window, but still has a comfortable bed and table in it and few more things which make it resemble normal room at least a bit. One in the room is Solus lying on the bed.

ACTION:
Door opens and Adal enters holding a bowl in his hand. He puts the bowl on the table and then turns towards Solus.

DIALOGUE:
Adal: Hope you like the place. You will be spending a lot of time here. You must be wondering why I bought you. I heard that you were used only for killing practices. Well, rest assured. My plans for you are a bit…

ACTION:
Adal smirks.

DIALOGUE:
Adal: …different. You see... 2 years ago, I bought a slave under pretense that I would train him to    become my personal guard. However, he was meant to be replaced by you.
I even gave him different role. I sent him to Kalligan to spy on that rotten prince Mael for me. According to his report, Mael is preparing for war. As soon as his grandfather dies, he will attack us.
But I already have a plan for building a special army, which you will lead. With you, our army should be superior, and so it will crush his puny ambition of being better than me.

ACTION:
Solus slightly opens his mouth.

DIALOGUE:
Solus: Uhm...
Adal: Oh, so you finally decided to join the conversation. Go on. Say what you want.
Solus: Why are you so sure that I will do what you want? My whole life, I’ve been tortured by noble scum like you. Why should I trust you? What can you give me to get my loyalty?
Adal: What I can give you and what I will give you is...

ACTION:
Adal spreads his arms wide.

DIALOGUE:
Adal: ...Life!!!
Solus (puzzled): Life? You do realize that I am immortal? I have more life than you will ever have.
Adal: Yes. You might have plenty of life in you, but...
Adal: Can you say that you truly lived so far?

ACTION:
Solus stays silent, unable to find an answer to the question.

DIALOGUE:
Adal: That’s what I thought.
Solus:  Then show me this life that you will give me.

ACTION:
Adal takes a bowl from the table and offers it to Solus.
   
DIALOGUE:
Adal: For now I can offer you only small part of it, but here you go. Eat up.

FLASHBACK: Seeing the bowl with food, Solus remembers the time he got food from another stranger.

SCENE: Wide square, Solus is put in shackles. People passing by don’t even pay attention to him.

ACTION:
One woman covered in robes approaches him and starts looking around to see if someone is looking.
After confirming that no one is looking, she extends her arm in which she holds bread covered in dirt.

DIALOGUE:
Woman: I know it’s not much… here, eat this.

ACTION:
Solus bites the bread and swallows it.
One kid notices them and starts yelling.

DIALOGUE:
Kid: She’s feeding the immortal!!!

ACTION:
2 guards hear him and start running towards them.

DIALOGUE:
Guard 1: Oi, stop that!

ACTION:
The woman runs away.

DIALOUE:
Guard 1: Go after her, I’ll deal with the immortal.

ACTION:
One guard runs after the woman, while the other approaches Solus.
He grabs the pole that was next to Solus and grabs Solus by his jaw.
He starts showing the pole deeply into Solus’ throat.

DIALOGUE:
Guard 1 (Yelling): Throw that up, you trash.

ACTION:
After some time, Solus throws up everything he ate.

DIALOGUE:
Guard 1: I better not see you eat again!

END OF FLASHBACK, return to previous scene with Solus and Adal

ACTIONS:
Solus jumps away from the bowl and starts screaming.

DIALOGUE:
Solus: NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!
Adal: No need to be afraid, no one will see you eat it. Besides, I'm in much worse situation if they see me give you food. They would just make you throw up the food, but they would execute me on the spot.

ACTION:
Adal hands the bowl once more.

DIALOGUE:
Adal: Come on now.  Eat up.

ACTION:
Solus takes the bowl but hesitates to eat at first. After gathering up his courage he puts a spoon in his mouth. After he tastes the food his eyes tear up and he starts smiling.

DIALOGUE:
Solus: What is this? I never thought that food could be so great.
Adal: So? What do you say? Would something like this be enough for you to believe in me?
Solus: If this is only small part of the life that you will give me, than I want to see the rest as well. You can count on me.
Adal: Very well then. Be sure to eat up everything I give you. As soon as you gain some strength, we will start with the training.

SCENE:
Same room, but here Solus has a bit of muscle mass. Adal is holding a wooden sword in his hand.

DIALOGUE:
Narrator: A few weeks later...
Adal: Ok, it's time to see what you can do without any training.

ACTION:
Adal keeps striking with his sword. Solus manages to dodge all of his attacks. After few attacks, Adal wipes the sweat off his face.


DIALOGUE
Adal: I see that your dodging instincts are quite developed. Being able to avoid any kind of injury is very crucial for concealing the fact that you are immortal. If someone finds out that you are immortal, it's over for both of us.
ACTION:
Adal shows concern on his face.

DIALOGUE:
Adal: I would be executed, while you would most likely end up the same way as First immortal did. That's why I must make sure that you can prevent any kind of injury.

ACTION:
Adal gives a shield to Solus.

DIALOGUE:
Adal: Along with your ability to dodge, you will be protecting yourself with this. Now pick it up and show me what you can do with it.

ACITON:
Adal attacks Solus. Solus blocks the attacks with the shield.

SCENE:
Same room, this time Solus has fully developed body and bones can’t be seen anymore. Both him and Adal have wooden swords in their hands and are attacking each other.

DIALOGUE:
Narrator: About a year later...
Adal: You improved your technique quite a lot. And your body looks completely normal now. Because of that you are moving out of this dark place and you are allowed to move around my mansion, as well as talking with other people in this mansion.

ACTION:
Adal gets out of the room.

DIALOGUE:
Adal: Now come this way.

SCENE:
House hallway. Amana stands at the entrance of Solus’ room and Adal and Solus just got out of the room.

ACTION:
Amana wipes off the sweat on Adal’s forehead.

DIALOGUE:
Adal: This girl here is my best maid. No one can beat her in cleaning.
Amana: Thank you, lord Adal. My name is Amana. I will take you through house now.
Amana: Come this way.

ACTION:
Solus and Amana walk through the hallway. Solus is looking around the hallway.

SCENE:
Solus’ new room that has much more light and the furniture is brighter.

DIALOGUE:
Amana: This will be your room from now on.

ACTION:
Solus gets amazed by his new room.

DIALOGUE:
Amana: Quit spacing out. I have to show you other places. Besides, I don’t want to waste my time on you.

SCENE:
Empty dining room and in the back are open door to the kitchen where Elle is visible.

DIALOGUE:
Amana: This is where you can come to eat. Further down, you can see the kitchen. The girl you see there is Elle. She is our cook. Now, let's move on.

ACTION:
Elle, who is in the kitchen, notices how Solus is watching her and smiles at him. Solus spaces out. Amana tries to talk to him but he doesn’t react.

DIALOGUE:
Amana: Hey. HEY!
Solus: Uh…
Amana: Don’t uh to me. Move on. Lord Adal is waiting for you in the yard.

SCENE:
Back yard of Adal’s mansion.  It is mostly muddy but has traces of grass here and there. The ones present are Solus and Amana.

DIALOGUE:
Amana: This is where you will be training from now on. Now, get ready for training. Lord Adal will be with you in a moment.

ACTION:
Amana leaves. Solus looks around the yard and at that moment Adal approaches.

DIALOGUE:
Adal: So how do you like our new training place?

Solus: Well, anything is better than that dark hole we were practicing in previously.
Adal: Anyway, we should continue.

SCENE:
Dining room. Solus sits at the table. Elle is giving him food.

DIALOGUE:
Narrator: Later that night.
Elle: Here you go.
Solus: Can I ask you something?
Elle: Eh? Sure.
Solus: Are you the one that cooked my food since I came here?
Elle: Yes, it was me. What about it?
Solus: Your food is amazing. I’ve never thought that food could be so tasty.

ACTION:
Elle starts acting all high and mighty.

DIALOGUE:
Elle: Well, of course it's amazing. I cooked it. There is no better food in whole world than mine.

ACTION:
Solus gets confused by her reaction. Seeing his face, Elle gets embarrassed.

DIALOGUE:
Elle: Would you mind if I sit here for a while?
Solus: Go ahead.
Elle: Name's Elle. What's yours?
Solus: Solus.
Elle: Solus, eh? So Solus, what were you doing before that neat freak bought you?
Solus: Neat freak?
Elle: Lord Adal of course. Maybe he didn't show it so much around you, but he can’t handle anything dirty. Once I accidentally gave him a spoon that had tiny spot on it. He just sat there for half an hour struggling to pick it up, but in the end he didn't even eat until I gave him another spoon.

ACTION:
Both Elle and Solus start laughing.

SCENE:
Back yard of the mansion. Both Adal and Solus are holding the wooden swords. In addition, Solus has a shield in his left arm.

DIALOGUE:   
Narrator: Half a year later.
Adal: Seems like I can continue with the next stage of my plan. From now on you will go with me whenever I go outside the mansion. But before you get to see the outside world once again, I have something for you.

ACTION:
Adal shows armor to Solus.

DIALOGUE:
Adal: I got this made for you. This will help to protect you from injuries. Go on. Put it on.

ACTION:
Solus puts the armor on.

DIALOGUE:
Adal: It fits you quite well. Here. This is also for you.

ACTION:
Adal gives a longsword and a kite shield to Solus.

DIALOGUE:
Adal: Now, are you ready to come back into the world?
Solus: Yes.
Adal: Then it’s time for us to go.
Solus: Go where?
Adal: To talk with our king.

Chapter 2 (Last modified 17. 03. 2015.)

Chapter 3(Last modified 17. 03. 2015.)

Chapter 4(Last modified 17. 03. 2015.)

Chapter 5(Last modified 17. 03. 2015.)

Chapter 6(Last modified 17. 03. 2015.)

Chapter 7(Last modified 17. 03. 2015.)

Chapter 8(Last modified 17. 03. 2015.)

Chapter 9(Last modified 17. 03. 2015.)

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13




Short character description:

Spoiler

Solus (Main character)
Height -1.80 m. Medium body build. Short black spiky hair. Physical age – around 20, real age 146 after intro.
Equipment: Long sword and kite shield. Fully covered in plate mail.
He hates most of the people, and doesn’t like to talk with them. He is quite distant to others, except for Adal and Elle, and slightly less distant with Renos and Egil. Most has serious face, unless around Elle, or when he gets pissed off by Renos or Egil. Despite his immortality, he is afraid of death, or the pain that death brings with itself to be more precise. As story progresses he overcomes his fear.

Adal (Noble that gathers army of slaves)
Height -1.70m. Has slender figure. Long white hair. Wears some fancy clothes that nobles would wear. Always has a handkerchief to protect himself from dirt and other “disgusting” things. Age 31.
Obsessed with cleanliness and always holds himself as if anything dirty could kill him. Most of the time he holds himself seriously unless he confronts something unclean.
His father was great soldier and acquired nobility through his military efforts. Since his father was soldier, Adal was forced to train, and become soldier as well. At young age he was training along with Mael and bunch of other kids. Among that group he was the strongest and was called genius for combat. However, his obsession prevented him from becoming real soldier.


King Darius(king of Zehar)
Height -1.65m. Quite fat and hairy. Black balding hair. Age 45.
He is laughing most of the time. Is slightly crazy. Spends his days doing nothing  but having fun.

Hon (One of kings 2 bodyguards)
Height -2.22m. Very buffed body. Brown crew cut hair.
Equipment: Single edged greatsword, or greathammer, never both at the same time. Fully covered in plate mail. Age - 36.
He is considered to be the strongest person in Zehar. He is combat freak, and is always taunting people as if he wants to fight them to which most of the people get too scared, which entertains him a lot. He is quite friendly towards Solus, for which he has a special reason that will be revealed later in story.

Rinus (Other kings bodyguard)
Height- 1.73m. Has slim figure. Has short blonde hair. Age – 19.
Equipment: Double daggers. Wears leather armor.
Very straightforward person. He always warns Hon and king not to joke around and to get serious.

Elle (Adals cook)
Height - 1.68m. Has slim body. Long wavy blonde hair. Age 23.
Very friendly and always smiles. Likes to cook and gets full of herself whenever someone compliments her.
 
Avner (side character in Zehars main army, acts as a bodyguard for one of the nobles)
Height - 1.82m. Has medium body build. Has short brown hair and bear. Age - 31.
Equipment: Double katanas. Covered in plate mail, but never wears helmet.
Very hateful person. Hates Adal and his slave army. When he was young he was training along with Adal, but Adal was always better than him, hence his hatred for him.

Renos (supporting character from slave army)
Height - 1.71m. Has slim figure. Long black hair tied up in pony tail. Age – 23.
Equipment: Short sword and round shield. Wears chainmail like the rest of the slave army.
Is very friendly, and always helps others. Likes to tease Solus along with Egill. Admires Adal a bit too much. He is second strongest in slave army.

Egill (supporting character from slave army)
Height -  1.90m. Large bodybuild, but smaller than Hon. Has short sloppybrown hair and beard. Age – 28.
Equipment: Halberd. Wears chainmail like the rest of the slave army.
Very friendly and likes to tease Solus. Never takes things seriously, until certain point in story when he changes completely.

Mael (King of Kaligan, prince in the intro)
Height - 1.84m. Medium body build. Long dark red hair. Age 31.
Equipment: Greatsword. Body fully covered in plate mail except his head.
When he was young, he was training in the same group as Adal and Avner. Holds a grudge against Adal, since Adal was always better and wants to surpass him.

Ilarion(Strongest person in Kaligan)
Height - 2.11 m. Large body build, but slightly smaller than Hoa. Has short gray hair and beard. Age -53.
Equipment: Mace and shield. Fully covered in plate mail. In battles he is most of the times on a horse.
Very loyal towards Mael. Want to fight with Hon, who is considered to be strongest.

Amana (Adals maid)
Height 1.64. Slim figure. Black hair, just below ears. Age 27.
Unlike Adal, she is not obsessed with cleanliness, but likes to clean everything quickly so that Adal would praise her. Holds herself seriously most of the time, except when she is being praised by Adal or when she is imagining being praised by Adal.

First immortal
Height - 2.02m. In the beginning he has medium body build, but at the moment he becomes the emperor he has very large body build. Black short hair. Like every immortal he looks like he has around 20 years, but at the moment he gets sealed he is already around 300 years old.
He wears normal clothes and uses his fists as weapons.
He doesn’t care about anyone else but himself, and is scared of someone being stronger than him. That’s why he kills everyone he consider to be a threat.

Ideon (one of normal soldiers of Kalligan’s army)
Height – 1.83m. Medium body build. Long brown hair. Age 23.
Equipment: Longsword. Body covered in platemail.
He is very cheerful person and always smiles, even when he is in battle. Although he doesn’t like Mael very much, he fights for the sake of his kingdom.

Kingdom of Zehar description

Spoiler

Kingdom (castle) has two parts.
Lower parts where normal people live, that has most of the pathways muddy. Only road that is paved is the one that connects the castle entrance and the upper parts. Houses in the lower parts look like the houses in ancient Egypt. On the streets are many people and kids that are dirty and starved. Occasionally, there would be a corpse left to rot.
Upper parts have paved roads and all the houses are like mansions from the middle ages in Europe. Only nobles and soldiers live there. At the top part of the upper parts is king’s place.

I kept the description of characters short, since i want to leave more space for the artist himself, and of course if needed I would discuss about it in more details later. Also, there is posibility for changing names of characters, since my naming sense isn't really greatest, and all of these are just from random name generator. Same goes for the title of manga.

Do you guys think that there is enough of things in first chapter to hook readers into it, or do you think it lacks a bit? I want to know that since I debated if I should combine this chapter and next into one or not. Also do you think that transitions between scenes are bit vague or not?

Looking forward to your comments.

10

Welcome Center / Pavo

« on: August 03, 2014, 04:28:23 PM »

Hi, i'm Pavo (not my real name, but this is my pen name that I plan to use).
I come from Croatia. I'm 21 years old male. And I write stories for my manga.

I came to this forum in search of an artist that would like to create manga with me. At first I planned to work with someone from my country, but unfortunately didn't succeed in finding an artist (those that I found actually gave up before even doing something). Hope I will have more luck here. I'll be posting my stories here frequently.
Didn't plan to do mangas my whole life, so I devoted to it a bit late, and didn't have time to practice drawing, and along with it I'm not really talented for it, which puts me in a bit of trouble of needing another person to create my work.
My favorite anime/manga is gintama, although I like Fairy Tails art styl the most.
My other hobbies are game, and I'm actually participating in making of one now.
Thank you for having me.