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Post by: wrathborne on August 13, 2021, 01:35:13 AM
So here is the logline(synopsis)
A stubborn tomboyish reporter in 1930s Texas must to save her family's newspaper discovers gangsters have opened a door to Eldritch horrors in her town.
I started on this a few days back and got what is essentially episode 1. It's meant to be to the point and a little brisk (kind of simple too). But I had 3 areas I wanted to focus on: A fun protagonist who stands out from the crowd, an interesting mystery, and a bit of a slow build up in terms of the horror part. So I'm mostly looking for feedback on these 3 elements. Any feedback is appreciated.
I did my best to try to match the tone of a 1930s horror film as well as the dialogue. I used a fair amount of 1930s slang in this, if it gets confusing just ask. Not all the 30's slang is easy to understand.
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1rABBCwduCU9RJsZBscSvOjgZGXavXWep/view?usp=sharing
Oh, here's the protagonist character design. I'm still adjusting it some.
(https://i.imgur.com/hIh4v2C.jpg)
Post by: NO1SY on August 14, 2021, 08:35:20 PM
I just finished listening to an audiobook of the Complete Works of H. P. Lovecraft on Thursday so your promise of a lovecraftian style story brought me here.
I gave the document you shared a read. I have made highlights with a few comments and proofreading notes here: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1WFuhwdpUYhw3pTouS5c4IumjuiAsQ176/view?usp=sharing
In response to the feedback you were looking for on the story, it's a little early to tell how successful you are with only 1 chapter, but I do have some first impressiosns:
Spoiler
1. I think some extra work needs to be done to flesh out Sheena as a character in this opening chapter if you want her to stand out as a protagonist. So far it has been hard to connect with her to that extent because we don't really experience anything that makes her extraordinary or extraordinarily endearing. This is fine for a lovecraftian-esque character, but doesn't sound like what you are going for. To make characters feel a cut above the rest, more real and alive, and then easy to connect with, there are two things to try: 1. write in some idiosyncracies at least one of which is charming; 2. write a scene that ingratiates the character to the reader.
2. Hard to comment on the mystery yet.
3. The slow build to the horror feels a bit more like a switch has been flipped than the pervasive and growing uneasiness of lovecraftian horror or the building suspense of Poe. This is not helped by the jokiness in the front half of the chapter, then the complete tonal shift when Sheena goes to visit the mansion. The only way that I can see to improve this is to weave in some small horror elements throughout the earlier parts - reports of an unnatural number of missing pets, upsurge in illness or sudden comas, people seeing movements in shadows or feeling constant paranoia, a drunk man raving, weird unsettling dreams, strange items or idols turning up or strange symbols graffitied onto walls, an influx of unfamiliar people to the small town other than just the gansters, unsettling sounds from dark alleys or from around corners, birds falling from the sky, etc... These types of things can be sprinkled tastefully in through the narrative via side characters' experiences, the newspaper, the radio and Sheena's story, and they could help build that atmosphere you are hoping for. So far the scene with the gangsters and the suitcase does way more work than the zombies in the well and the dark figure in the window....
To summarise my other thoughts on your writing:
Spoiler
Your writing got a bit sloppy towards the back half - I hope I caught all the issues but could probably do with another proof read...
I'm not a huge fan of screenplay scripts anymore because the narration always comes across as one dimensional, matter of fact and skewed towards only setting scenes visually without the depth that other sensory information brings.
On top of this, you do not use thoughts/internal monologuing at all, which is something that is used a lot in comics and literature but is left mostly to subtext, expression and visuals in screenplays - a lot of potential information for readers is missed here.
My comments may come across as critical, but I hope that you find them useful and perservere with writing your story. I wish you the best of luck!
Post by: wrathborne on August 15, 2021, 03:30:30 AM
Yeah, in regards to the slow build I need a little more work on that. I realized that when I finished page 10. Might have an answer or two regarding that so there's a little more to it.
As for Sheena, I think she stands out a bit more than that (this is all I'll push back on.) and in 1936 a woman going off to a mansion to snag a gangsters photo solo is pretty extraordinary. But I suspect you mean an extraordinary trait, like high intelligence or will power as per the standard "best of humanity against the unknown in order to show how insignificant humanity is" theme. I'll see what I can do. Part of the screenwriting approach is building someone up and show this side of them as things gradually get worse.
As for an Idiosyncrasy, great idea. So I barely have 9 and a quarter pages written and purposely made sure everything was brisk and too the point in order to have some space to add in a little something later.
A big part of why things are the way they are here is my respecting the era the story takes place in and what's mild too us now, would have been pretty big back then. I'm having to write this story with the usual screenwriting craft in mind, following 1930s horror film tone/society/slang/rules, and then mixing in Cosmic horror.
There IS a method to my madness though. Hell, theres even a reason the story takes place in Cross Plains if you know your history.
Thanks for the criticism, I'll see what I can do and you may be right entirely about making Sheena stand out more.
Post by: KatDeMilo on August 15, 2021, 09:04:44 AM
When, you get to the art stage I'll be keen.
However at first glance of the post itself, I'd definitely give this a shot if it was a description for a comic/manga.
Also kinda dig the art direction.
Hope you progress further. Got my interest with this one.
Post by: NO1SY on August 15, 2021, 03:42:34 PM
Sloppy in the back half how? Gotta elaborate a little further.
Just in regards to spelling and grammar. Nothing major.
As for Sheena, I think she stands out a bit more than that (this is all I'll push back on.) and in 1936 a woman going off to a mansion to snag a gangsters photo solo is pretty extraordinary. But I suspect you mean an extraordinary trait, like high intelligence or will power as per the standard "best of humanity against the unknown in order to show how insignificant humanity is" theme. I'll see what I can do. Part of the screenwriting approach is building someone up and show this side of them as things gradually get worse.
I agree that a woman in 1930s America aspiring to be anything other than a nuclear family housewife would be pretty extraordinary in the literal sense of the word, but I think you have to go further in showing Sheena's drive to do what she wants, and her struggle to overcome prejudices, in this case. I don't think that she necessarily has to be "gifted" in any way, but her characterisation just needs to be stronger than it currently is for her to be a more memorable/standout protagonist when compared to other similar protagonists across comics/literature.
Good start overall though.
Post by: wrathborne on August 16, 2021, 02:38:09 AM
I'm opting to create an original evil for the story so I can have some of my own rules to play with. That way I have a little more control over what happens, how it happens, and how the evil god operates. Rather than have a great evil like Cthulhu, Dagon, or the Yellow King I've doing a lesser evil. Even a lesser god can cause the catastrophes all over the world and crush humanity.
But a god that takes time to influence people, instead of the instant subjugation of the Yellow King after seeing his symbol, gives me time to transform characters slowly. Rather than focus on madness outright this one causes greed, addiction, paranoia and finally drains the believers sanity and leaves them as husks of dead meat.
I call this one the "Bronze Baron". Baron Harkonnen was a partial inspiration for the name and concept. But its a background evil, the foreground is the cult and mafia who I'm still working on properly sorting out.
Post by: wrathborne on September 04, 2021, 02:32:55 AM
This series has a name now "Dollars of the damned".
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1PjoG0J1qceYi-YDb7Bn_BhnLK2fLzzf5/view?usp=sharing
Post by: wrathborne on October 04, 2021, 11:13:15 PM
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1Epy6agdM20XkKKFjXaVUFj6XSVYJfWtf/view
Even finished off Sheena's design.
(https://i.imgur.com/D1WEU0G.png)
(https://i.imgur.com/63Yf9hz.jpg)
Did my best to match the era this takes place in, which is why it reads a lot like an old horror film from the 30's, but I'm getting there.
Protagonists goal is clear, so is her motivation. I changed things up in the finale to be weirder instead of straight horror and it still starts of light and gets darker as it goes on. Have to get a chapter done doen now O.o;
Post by: wrathborne on December 31, 2022, 04:40:00 PM
Even managed to win 2nd place in a webisode pilot screenwriting competition with it(No money sadly :/). If life hadn't hit me so hard the past 7 lmonths now I might have gotten the next part of the story sorted out and stuff :/
https://drive.google.com/file/d/11AdiHRnKd_jrQ4NeX-wodd4M1zUy8eRS/view?usp=share_link
Post by: Suuper-san on January 03, 2023, 05:03:55 AM
and well done on getting 2nd in the competition! even if there's no prize I'm sure it'll give a boost of confidence :D
Post by: NO1SY on January 03, 2023, 01:15:53 PM
I noticed a couple of remaining proof-reading errors, and a couple of stilted lines of dialogue (e.g. “Drake won’t leave you in a trash can if he catches you” completely ignores the context of her previous encounter with Drake, and can be fixed simply: “Drake won’t just leave you in a trash can if he catches you again”) that may have kept you from the top spot, but keep it up.
The characterisation and the weird horror elements are much improved from the last time I read, and made it more enjoyable for me overall. So I look forward to any future chapter drafts you want to share :)
Post by: ronD on February 20, 2023, 05:47:25 AM
Indeed, you have done a good job. There are some details to take into account as @NO1SY said, but I want to congratulate you.
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Post by: legomaestro on February 21, 2023, 08:59:44 AM
Otherwise love it to heck. Great character design and I want moooar Lovecraft in my life in general haha. Great stuff and I really haven't read scripts in ages so this was a treat. Keep at this and please let her have a happy ending...
Please?
