here we are a review of your first 3 chapters, I split my edits within the story with
Spoiler
Chapter 1
The immortal grunted as they dragged him across the town. The pain lingered throughout his body as it ground against the muddy streets of Zehar.
His skin was dark gray, but it hardly showed through the amount of dirt gathered on his body. No one bothered to clean him since he was a vile immortal.
There was no place for immortals in the world of ohrols, despite them being born from those same ohrols and looking no different. At least they would have looked the same if ohrols didn’t take care of that. To keep themselves safe from immortals, ohrols withheld food from them which gave immortals their corpse-like appearance.
The immortal was grateful for the scorching sun that burned his skin from above. If it weren’t for it, the muddy streets of Zehar would have been packed with ohrols, that have nothing but hatred for him. The sun kept regular ohrols in their mud-brick houses, while the slave ohrols were at work elsewhere.
The soldiers were the only ones who were out at noon in Zehar, so the immortal only had to deal with the two soldiers that dragged him. The male soldier was tall and bulky, wearing a helmet to show off an air of importance. The female soldier left her head uncovered, letting her long dark-blue hair guard her dark-gray skin.
The female soldier stopped. “Why should I be dragging you?” she kicked the immortal.
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Action = curious that nothing provoked this action, perhaps if something out of his control caused her flimsy patience to snap, like his body/ skin was caught on something for a moment making the female soldier put a little extra effort in for the thing she hates or something else mundane
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The kick forced the air out of his lungs. A long time ago, that would have provoked a reaction from him, but now he was resigned to his miserable fate and awaited the day they would finally manage to kill him.
“What is with that look!” the soldier shouted as she kicked him once more. “Stand up and walk!”
“Stop it, Tertia! You know that simple kicks won’t make it listen,” the other soldier said, “For these monsters, you need at least something like this.”
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Action = if she knew that simple kicks would not make Him listen then why would Msoldier have to remind her? It's seems they have been dragging him for awhile so i'm surprised that they didn't try this method at the start when they met him otherwise why would they resign to dragging him and then only to try to get him to walk later on
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The other soldier struck with his halberd, breaking the immortal’s neck. The pain overwhelmed his body. Within seconds, the head snapped back, making it look as if no damage was done to him.
“You know these monsters don’t listen unless you do at least something like this,” the soldier said with a smug face.
“You are right!” Tertia unsheathed her sword and stabbed the immortal in the back. As Tertia pulled out her sword, a small amount of blood spurted out. Seconds later, all the blood returned to the immortal’s body and with it Tertia’s sword.
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Action = Wait, does this mean the blood pulled her sword back into his wound?
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After a few stabs, Tertia reached into her pocket and took out a vial with a light-blue liquid in it.
The other soldier grabbed her hand. “Don’t be stupid! Why would you waste scaturr’s spit on this filth? It won’t change anything. And you know there’s a decline in scaturrs lately.”
“It’s just for fun. I won’t use a lot,” Tertia said. “Besides, I paid for it.”
The other soldier released Tertia’s hand. “Bah! Do what you want.”
Tertia dripped scaturr’s spit on the tip of the sword and put the vial away. She stabbed the immortal once more, and with the effect of the spit, blood gushed out furiously.
“Why won’t you die, monster?!” Tertia said as she continually wounded the immortal.
The immortal wondered why everyone called him a monster as he never harmed a single ohrol throughout his long life. Soon enough, those thoughts left him as the pain of being killed repeatedly overwhelmed him. Even though his body recovered after every wound that the soldier inflicted, the pain was unbearable.
He wanted the pain to stop. Only listening to the orders made the torture stop. That was one of the few things he learned about the ohrol world. The pain never stopped, unless you obeyed. And for immortals, that worked only sometimes.
The immortal mustered the tiny amount of strength he had in him to rise. He lifted his chest, but another stab slammed him to the ground. The pain was excruciating. He had to stand up. Once more he tried to lift his body, and another stab brought him back to the floor. He cried out in pain.
“What was that?” Tertia muttered.
“I think it is trying to stand up,” said the other soldier.
Tertia looked at the creature and saw the immortal struggling to get up.
“You finally learned!” she said, sheathing her sword. “Get up and walk!”
As the soldier stopped attacking him, the immortal tried to stand up. His hands trembled as he pushed against the ground. He got onto his legs, making his entire body shake. With no muscles to move his bones, everything was a struggle.
He cursed his body for being born the way it was. Other immortals that he met were released from their suffering after some time. The priests always found a way to get rid of the immortals. He saw many of them being killed with his own eyes, but he was the only one who was truly immortal. No method the priests used on him would end his suffering.
“Let’s go!” Tertia said.
He started walking behind the soldiers. The immortal mustered up enough strength for a few slow steps before the soldiers got so far away that the rope pulled him to the ground once more.
Tertia looked at him and sighed before she turned forward. “Guess I have to drag you there in the end.” She started pulling him by the rope once more.
They reached one of the buildings the immortal despised, the barracks. They were filled with young ohrol soldiers listening to their instructor explaining how they should attack their enemy. The immortal shivered as, within moments, those instructions were meant to be tested on him.
“Hold your swords properly when you strike,” the old ohrol instructed. His coarse voice spread throughout the training grounds. The two soldiers with the immortal walked up to them. Tertia pulled up the immortal by the rope and threw him in front of the young soldiers.
“Here you go! Enjoy cutting the monster up,” she said and walked away.
The old instructor looked at the immortal on the ground who refused to get up as that delayed the inevitable pain. “It is of no use like this,” the instructor said to Tertia, who was already at the doors.
“Cutting it up is all this monster is good for,” Tertia laughed.
The instructor frowned and raised his voice, “They sure need to practice cutting up the opponent, but when they will fight in battle, their opponent won’t be lying on the floor like this one here.”
Tertia stood at the entrance. “What else do you want from me? I already brought it here.”
“Get it up!” the instructor said. “Or should I speak with your superiors once more, Tertia?”
“Fine.” Tertia sighed. She walked up to the immortal, crouched down, and grabbed him by his dirty hair. She lifted his head to whisper into his ear.
“Will you get up by yourself? Or—” Tertia grabbed her sword, “— should we repeat our play from moments ago?”
The pain still lingered in his body. He rose as fast as his frail body allowed.
“Smart boy,” Tertia snickered.
“That’s much better!” the instructor said as the immortal stood up.
“Well. That’s it from me. Have fun being cut up, monster!” Tertia said to the immortal and slapped him on the back. The slap was weak, but it knocked the immortal back to the ground.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to do that.” Tertia laughed at his fall. “Here, let me help you.” She grabbed the immortal, squeezing his hands tighter than necessary and propping him up like a sack of dirt.
Tertia hung her arm around the immortal’s neck, talking into his ear. “Now, I want you to cooperate with them, otherwise I will get in trouble. Understood?”
The immortal didn’t care what would happen to her, but listening reduced the pain. And considering how much pain the trainees were about to cause him, he nodded.
“See, no trouble. It’s not that bad if you listen. We could even be friends,” she said.
The soldier’s words amused him. Immortals had no friends. As soon as he learned that no one would help him, the immortal stopped remembering faces. There was no point in trying. He would outlive them all.
“I would love to watch you during the training”— Tertia laughed —”but I have other things to do. I’ll come to pick you up later. Then you can tell me about all the fun you had today.”
The immortal faced the trainees, bracing for all the pain that awaited. He went through the training sessions thousands of times, and he never got used to the pain that accompanied them. He wished for a day when he would be released from the pain to come.
He wished for death to free him.
Chapter 2
The slums in the Kingdom of Zehar were in such a poor state that it put to question whether Zehar deserved to be considered a kingdom. The upper parts of the Kingdom weren’t a pleasant sight, while rest was a disgrace.
Adonia hated walking through the streets of Zehar, and the slums frightened her. The surrounding dirt sent shivers down her spine. She couldn’t stop imagining what kind of disease she could pick up.
On several occasions, she stopped and wished to turn back, but her task was too important. She couldn’t let her fear get in the way of achieving it. After all, it was for the sake of making Zehar a better place.
Adonia rushed to the slaver, assuring herself that she would be fine as long as no one touched her.
She knew that she would attract attention from the residents of the slum. Her olive-green hair and light-gray skin, heritage from her Remserian grandfather, were rare for an ohrol in the west. Even her clothes brought attention to her. Her black coat was more radiant than any of her surroundings.
But, it wasn’t her appearance that made her stand out the most. It was her demeanor. Her every movement screamed that she was a noble. As her eyes moved from one thing to another, the disgust on her face became more prominent.
While she rushed towards the slaver, one of the young ohrols came up to her, asking for money. The sight of the mud-covered brat approaching her made Adonia jump back in panic.
“Stay away from me!” Adonia ran in the opposite direction in order to avoid any disease. That brought attention to surrounding ohrols and everyone went after her in order to get money.
“No!” Adonia’s eyes teared up as she realized she had gotten further from her goal.
And the only way back was through the filth-covered ohrols. As the crowd approached her, she turned once more not caring that she was getting further. As long as she stayed clean, she didn’t care.
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Action = Interesting character quirk that clashes with her ideals
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In the distance, a soldier was dragging something.
“All right, all right you filth,” the soldier shouted, pulling out her sword as she reached Adonia. “Leave Master Adonia alone.”
Adonia didn’t know the soldier, but considering that the soldier addressed her as Master and not a Lady, meant she was part of the King’s army. Most likely Adonia’s trainee at some point.
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Action = Nice little deduction here
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Neither the soldier’s command or the brandishing of her sword made the filthy ohrols go away. Adonia was ready to run and leave the soldier as the decoy.
“Monster!” one of the ohrols screamed and the whole crowd scattered in no time.
It was the sight of an immortal that made the ohrols leave. It astonished Adonia how such a frail creature could instill fear in others. It barely looked alive, yet everyone feared and hated it.
“Thank you, soldier!” Adonia said as she calmed herself down. “What’s your name?”
“Tertia,” the soldier answered.
Tertia looked young, barely in her twenties, which meant that she had been among the recent Adonia’s trainees. The name also seemed familiar, but Adonia couldn’t remember why. “I must ensure you get rewarded for your effort,” she said.
“I didn’t do much.” Tertia pointed to the immortal she was dragging. “It was my friend over here who scattered them away.”
It surprised Adonia to hear anyone call an immortal their friend, but she tried not to judge. After all, she was screaming a moment ago from being chased by slaves.
“Unexpected to find you here, Master?” Tertia said. “Aren’t you deathly afraid of the dirt?”
“It’s terrifying!” Adonia whispered.
Tertia scratched her head. “Then, why would you ever come to these parts? You’ll find nothing but that in the slums.”
“I’m going to the slave master,” Adonia replied.
“Ah, yes, that makes sense.” Slavemaster was the only reason anyone would visit slums.
Tertia glanced at the immortal, then back to Adonia. “Actually, I was just taking my friend to him.”
“I didn’t know people befriended immortals,” Adonia said, looking confused.
“If you give them the right motivation, they can be friendly,” Tertia said with a laugh. “Anyway, I can escort you to the slave master,” she added.
“That is very kind of you, soldier,” Adonia sighed in relief knowing that she wouldn’t have to go alone through that foul place anymore.
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Action = This seems rather off, if Adonia is someone in power and has no problem telling someone why she is here and wants her to even accompany her, Then why couldn't she use her status or her soldiers to bring the slave master to a more comfortable meeting place?
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When they arrived at the slave master’s house, Adonia relaxed. As soon as they entered, they were greeted by the sweet smell of flowers and a dirt-free room. Adonia felt as if she woke up from a bad nightmare. They were greeted by the silence, except for the sound of water in the back.
“Master Borus, I brought back the immortal,” Tertia shouted. The sound of water stopped. Soon, a thin man draped in clear white robes appeared, rubbing his mustache. Borus had a habit of doing that, which sent shivers down Adonia’s spine. She couldn’t stop thinking how much filth he gets on his face by doing that.
“Oh! Lady Adonia—” Borus was surprised. “I only expected young Tertia here to bring back the immortal. But having a Lady here is always great,” Borus grinned, still rubbing his mustache.
Adonia turned her face away as she felt her stomach betray her. She had been foolish for believing that she would be safe in the house when the slave master was no cleaner than any of the slaves he owned.
Looking away, Adonia answered. “I met the soldier on the way here. I was in a bit of a pinch with the crowd and she saved me from the filthy fiends outside.” Adonia started looking around the room in hope that it would help avoid facing Borus’s dirt-packed mustache-covered face.
“Oh. I’m glad that didn’t deter you from coming here. If you asked me, I would enslave every single one of those wretches on the streets outside,” Borus said.
It astonished Adonia that he would say it so blatantly, considering that everyone in Zehar knew what he did with ohrols in slums.
“So, are you here for a male or a female?” Borus exclaimed. “Adult, kid? Strong? Weak?” Borus got all excited ignoring Tertia, who had brought the immortal.
“Since Tertia saved my life, I think it would be fair if her business gets attended to first,” Adonia said. Tertia’s sigh of relief confirmed that Adonia’s assumption was right.
“That’s right, that’s right. Just give me the rope and you can go,” Borus said, not even looking at Tertia.
“You don’t want me to carry him to his cell?” Tertia asked.
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Action = I understand the immortals are hated beings, but if this guy is running a business then wouldn't he have something that would make transporting the immortals easier for his customers? And is he charging the army [that is protecting the Kingdom] for the immortal?
If not, why would they need to bring him back? Since he cannot die and is not being taken care of, wouldn’t tying him to a heavy rock or a pole at the barracks be more efficient? And if that is not the case this practice seems to have gone on for a long time since the Immortal noted how he hatted going to the Barracks, so why was the old commander so annoyed with how the immortal could not stand? Wouldn't that be normal isn't this what they normally paid for?
And if he wanted an immortal to have the energy to stand but still be unable to fight back, then wouldnt tying him to a pole and letting his soldiers stab him be the same thing?
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Borus walked over to the soldier and grabbed the rope from her hand. “It’s fine. We don’t want the Lady to wait,” Borus rushed the soldier out. Even though the army frequently paid to use the immortal for their exercises, they never paid as much as nobles did for slaves.
It disgusted Adonia how Borus rushed the soldier out. The money was all that mattered to him.
As Tertia exited, Borus turned towards Adonia with a big grin on his face. “Now… We can get down to business.”
“Yes,” Adonia said with much less enthusiasm than Borus. Partly because she saw Borus’s face once more.
“I must say you arrived at the perfect time. I just washed a new batch of slaves. They are all clean, just the way you want them to be,” Borus dragged the immortal to the doors leading to the back. “Please come this way.”
“There will be no need for that,” Adonia said.
“How come?” Borus was confused.
Adonia looked at the immortal.
“Oh! Could it be that you are here for this one?” Borus asked.
“That is correct!”
“Splendid!” Borus grinned from excitement.
Adonia knew that Borus was excited about her buying an immortal because he expected to get free money. That was how buying immortals worked in Zehar.
Someone would buy an immortal, have their way with it, and then they just hand it back to the slave master once they got bored.
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Action = then why would the armys ever return an immortal since there are always new recruits to train?
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Borus didn’t lose anything in those cases. It thrilled Adonia to know that that wouldn’t happen this time.
She needed the immortal permanently for her plan.
“I must say it is quite unusual of you to buy an immortal,” Borus said.
Adonia couldn’t blame the ohrol for such assumptions. She was reluctant to buy regular slaves since they were extremely filthy. And immortals were considered the most hideous monsters by all ohrols. Buying an immortal was the last thing anyone would expect from her.
Just what she wanted them to think.
“Unfortunately, I cannot go into details with you about my reason,” Adonia said, still looking at the immortal. Despite the immortal’s muddy skin giving her the chills, she wouldn’t stop looking at him. The immortal seemed resigned, compared with his old self from a couple of years ago. She would have to reignite the flame of rebellion within him if he were to serve his purpose.
“Suffice it to say, I will be using him in a similar way as the army does,” she added.
Hearing those words, the immortal looked at Adonia, meeting her eyes. Adonia smiled, for she saw the embers of his spirit within those eyes and knew her goal was achievable.
“Use him as the army does?” Borus said, interrupting Adonia’s thoughts. “You mean, use him for training?”
“Yes,” she confirmed.
“Oh!” Borus clapped his hands. “Lady Adonia will return to the battlefield? That’s good news for Zehar’s army. Will we perhaps witness the greatness of the Sword and Shield of the Separation War once more?”
“I am sorry to disappoint you, but the immortal is not for my training. And I’m afraid Prince Mael has other plans, so our duo will not be revived,” Adonia said, finally looking at Borus. She instantly regretted it, seeing Borus once again rub his mustache. “I need him to train my disciple.”
“A disciple?” Borus said with a sigh. “I’m sure he will be of good use for Zehar’s army, even though he will never be as great as you, my Lady.”
“No, no! My disciple will be greater than me,” Adonia faced the immortal. “There’s fierceness hidden deep inside him, and I will turn that fierceness into a blade that will protect Zehar.”
“That sounds like your disciple might become as strong as General Hon,” Borus exclaimed.
Adonia knew that the filthy ohrol had nothing but money on his mind. She could see it in his eyes how he was thinking about the possibility of another war. After all, the Separation War earned him all his slaves and fortune.
“No! Not as strong as General Hon.” she denied.
Borus slumped hearing her words.
“I will make sure he becomes stronger than General Hon,” Adonia said. For the sake of Zehar and its citizens, she needed to achieve that.
“Stronger!” Borus rubbed his hands. “Then what are we waiting for? Just give me the gold and the immortal is yours. Start with the training of your disciple as soon as possible.”
“My thoughts exactly,” Adonia said, pulling out a bag of gold.
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Action = all above was a very smooth exposition, well done
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As Borus reached out to grab the bag, she pulled it back remembering how Borus was rubbing his mustache with that hand.
“What’s wrong my Lady?” Borus looked at her.
Adonia needed the immortal. She reached out with the bag once more, trying not to touch Borus’s hand. As her hand almost touched Borus's, she yanked it back.
“I’ll just do it like usual,” she said and scurried to put the gold on the table. With that done, the only thing left was to take the immortal. She needed to take the rope from Borus, which was also in his hand. She grabbed the rope by the part in the middle between the immortal’s neck and Borus’s filthy hand. She didn’t want to risk catching anything from either of them.
With the immortal in her possession, Adonia didn’t wait long to leave the house.
“There is more gold here than I charge for immortals,” the Borus said.
“That is because you will not be getting him back.”
Chapter 3
The dimly lit room that the immortal found himself in confused him. He was locked into the underground room which was rather expected for his kind. But the candle left on the table baffled him. No one bothered to leave any light for him before, they didn’t see the reason for it.
He didn’t know how much time had passed since the noble who bought him left there. The passage of time was rather troubling for him. The idle days would pass in a blink of an eye. Days when others had fun with him, on the other hand, lasted for ages.
The feeling that the trouble he would be put through would last even longer made him hate his immortality more than ever.
The room he was in sent chills deep down into his bones. The shadows cast by the flickering light danced on the walls as if they were laughing at him. And he couldn’t figure out what was the weird smell that covered the whole room.
It might have been a new poison that the noble was about to test on him. But, the priests always said how the poison without a smell was the best. And if it could be judged by the pain that those poisons caused, the immortal had to agree. So the unusual smell put him at ease for a bit.
The only expected item in the room was a single desk upon which the candle was left. The tables were always there to hold all the tools for the amusement of his owner.
The object right across the table was something he had never seen before. It was slightly longer than the immortal’s height and was at least twice as wide as he was. Its upper side was soft to the touch and on top of it was a big cloth and a bag filled with something even softer. He couldn’t understand the purpose of this object in the room.
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Action = interesting as well as sad, but i am surprised he knew what everything else in the room was except the pillow and bed
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The biggest mystery of all was the flower on the table. He rarely saw them on the streets of Zehar and this one wasn’t even growing from the soil. Instead, it was in the water. He didn’t know what the purpose of the flowers was, but his body trembled as he realized that he might find out soon.
The immortal’s thoughts were interrupted as the door creaked open. He turned to see Adonia enter carrying a bowl on a tray. He was struck by the sweet smell as Adonia passed him.
“My name is Adonia,” she said, introducing herself. The immortal made no response.
Adonia waited for a moment, but no answer came.
“I hope you like your room.” She put the tray on the table and turned towards the immortal. “You will be spending some time in here, so I want you to be comfortable.”
The immortal couldn’t figure out the reason behind the ohrols behavior.
“Well… Do you like the room?” she repeated.
The immortal stared without an answer. He was unsure what was there to like about the room. It was filled with things he had never seen, and the weird smell unnerved him. Unfamiliar things scared him the most as he didn’t know what kind of pain he needed to prepare himself.
“Don’t tell me that you are in such a horrible condition that you cannot even speak,” Adonia sighed. “Although, judging by your looks, that wouldn’t be a surprise. Those filthy priests don’t know how to handle a living creature.”
“I can speak,” the immortal said.
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Action = surprised he spoke? Is it because Adonia called the priest filthy and thus trusted her enough to speak?
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“Oh, great!” Adonia smiled. “I was afraid that I would be the only one talking here.”
The question of the purpose the noble had brought him here shrouded the immortal’s mind. There was always a reason for buying him. No one would spend money to let him enjoy himself. The pleasure was the last thing ohrols wanted immortals to have.
“And?” Adonia stepped closer to the immortal. She winced as she glanced at him and stepped back once more.
“And what?” the immortal raised his voice.
“Do you like the room?” Adonia was still smiling.
“I—” the immortal hesitated. “I don’t know. I’ve never been in a room like this. I feel uncomfortable.”
“Oh, well that’s not good. I wanted you to feel comfortable. I even gave you one of the softest beds I could find” she said.
“Bed?” the immortal was confused. “What’s that?”
Now, the noble finally showed what the immortal expected to see. Disgust and anger were no longer hidden on her face. This eased his worries, as it was something he experienced. There was less worry about what she would do to him. It would be similar to his previous experiences.
“That thing over there,” Adonia pointed at the big object across the table. “It is for you to sleep on. Please tell me you have used one before.”
“For sleep?” the immortal looked at the bed. “No matter what you do to me, I don’t intend to sleep on it.”
“You don’t intend to sleep on it?” Adonia was puzzled. “Why? It is comfortable and I thought you would be glad not having to sleep on the ground for once.”
“Why would I want to sleep? I always get those horrible visions. I see! You just want to watch me suffer by the visions?” The immortal lashed out. Adonia’s intentions were now clear to him. She was like other nobles, but instead, she would torture him with unusual methods.
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Action = despite all the talk from before of him being so submissive to how the world works i'm surprised he can talk to the buyer[who he suspects more torture from] so casually and then agressivly, perhaps if there was build up tension he kept from the training that day, speaking softly like a whipped dog trying his best to be in his slavers best graces to prolonge any upcoming pain but the suppressed emotions begin to build up as he responds to Adona and when it gets close to the Bed dialogue, it was the straw that broke the camels back and Immortal lashes out all his anger and aggression from that day and thus speaks to Adona as he never would to other slavers
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“Horrible visions? You mean nightmares?” Adonia said. “But dreams can be good as well. Do you not dream of a better life?”
“Good dreams?” the immortal asked. “The only thing I see in my sleep is all of the methods the Surem’s priests used trying to kill me. And there is no such thing as a better life for us immortals. The only thing that could make it better is death.”
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Action = then why would he consider these visions? Did he mean just seeing stuff in general? Wouldnt he think that his nightmares are apart of the priests torture? Him relieving experiences they already did to him?
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“Death? That won’t do.” Adonia turned to the table and dragged her finger around the bowl she set there. “I was about to give you quite the opposite.”
The immortal swallowed hard, wondering what the noble was about to do to him. There was no guessing what kind of poison she held in the bowl.
Adonia sighed and turned to face the immortal. “Aren’t you curious what I’m about to offer you?”
“Whatever it is, it couldn’t be good for me,” he answered.
Adonia slammed her fist on the table, startling the immortal.
“Did those wretched Surem’s priests ruin you so far that it’s impossible to speak with you?” she said through her teeth.
The angry outburst frightened the immortal, but it relieved him at the same time. When they were angry, ohrols resorted only to beating him. And the pain from it would vanish soon.
Adonia looked at the immortal and the anger vanished from her face. The immortal trembled as he realized how different she was from other nobles. The unfamiliarity terrified him.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to frighten you,” Adonia said. She reached out with her hand but pulled it back. “I have no intention of hurting you.”
He didn’t believe her. The last time an ohrol convinced him that they wouldn’t hurt him was the time he was tortured the most.
“I want to help you.” She smiled, the same way the ohrol which used those tactics smiled.
“Why would you want to help me?” he asked. Perhaps he couldn’t avoid the torture, but he could at least try to ruin her fun of manipulating him.
“Because I want your help back.”
“What could I do? I’m nothing but a pile of bones,” he said, looking at his famished body.
“For now,” she said with a wicked smile. “Allow me to explain.”
The immortal took a deep breath. His first attempt at revealing her lies failed. Adonia seemed smart, but he wouldn’t let her deceive him.
“As you might know, our kingdom of Zehar is very close to the kingdom of Kaligan,” Adonia said.
“I heard about it,” the immortal answered.
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Action = feels a little odd he heard of this, but it's also odd that Adonia continues to explain despite his answer but goes on to explain as if he said nothing kinda gives a presentation feel
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“During the war with the Bynor Empire eight years ago, they were our biggest allies. However, that was thanks to our late king and current king of Kaligan being friends. The same cannot be said about the poor excuse of our King Bel, who cares about nothing but himself, and Kaligan’s prince Mael who hungers for power.”
“We are not allies anymore?” the immortal asked.
“No, we are still allies,” she said. “For now, that is. The current king of Kaligan is very sick and it is a matter of time when the illness will claim him. And when Mael becomes king, I doubt things will remain the same.”
“You mean there will be war?” the immortal said looking Adonia in the eyes once more.
“That is correct!” Adonia said.
“And why do you think that?” the immortal asked.
“I knew that Mael was hungry for power the moment I met him. He always tried to be at the top. The only thing he wanted was to be better than anyone else in the army during the Separation war, including me.”
“You fought in the war?” The immortal’s eyes widened hearing that a noble fought in the war. He knew that nobles would fund the war and send troops of their own. But to hear that one of the nobles fought in the war herself astonished him.
“I did fight, but that is beside the point here.” Adonia went back to her explanation. “When our late king passed away I sent a spy to check on Mael since there was no doubt that he would attack us.”
The immortal had no idea what a spy was. Surem’s priests never bothered to teach him about his kind, even less about the rest of the world. He was sure that Adonia used words he didn’t know to confuse him. That way it would be easier to manipulate him.
“Did he attack us?” he asked to move away from things he didn’t understand.
“No, he didn’t. But he’s raising an army and within a couple of years, he will surely attack,” Adonia said. "To counter his plan, I will raise a more unified army and keep Zehar safe from the danger, both internal and external.”
“And you need my help so that the soldiers could practice on me,” the immortal said.
Her intentions were obvious to him now.
He sat onto the bed and sighed in relief as he successfully avoided her deception. Now he was ready for what awaited him.
“Don’t put me up with those two incapable instructors who think that the way to raise a soldier is to let him cut up someone,” Adonia said calmly, but the immortal could feel the anger she tried to suppress. “There’s a reason why the soldiers I train are considered the best, and that is not achieved by letting them hack someone up and calling it training.”
Finally, he met the elusive instructor. He knew there were three of them, but only two used him for their instructions so he always wondered what kind of an ohrol was the third one.
+
Action = the exposition above felt a little heavy and non organic since it's just Adonia laying down facts and Immortal just being there not really contributing, perhaps if it was more of a exchange of information, after all wouldn’t anything involving war be something Immortal knows about since he goes to the barracks often? I'm sure between the stabs and slashes he would hear why these soldiers are preparing for battle as they gouge him throughout the day
Adonia could ask him what does he know about the Kingdom and Immortal could tell what he knows but as he delivers the surface facts that originally Adonia listed above
she instead could either correct his assumption or dive into deeper detail about what is going on behind the scenes so that way the two can bounce off each other similar to what you did before with Boris and Adonia
+
“They always justify it by calling you a monster,” Adonia continued her rant. “But to me, it only proves that they are the monsters, not you. How could they even call you a monster, when you’re in such a miserable state.”
Her words surprised the immortal. “You don’t think I’m a monster?”
“Again” — she let out a deep sigh — “don’t lump me in together with the rest of the idiots who take whatever Surem’s priests tell them as absolute truth. Just because one immortal was a monster, doesn’t mean the rest are.”
The immortal felt hatred in Adonia’s words when she mentioned death god’s priests. It was the same as he felt about them.
Before he said anything, she continued her explanation.
“I would be in command of the army, but someone needs to lead the army in battle.” She pointed at the immortal. “I need someone strong. Someone who will be able to defeat Mael in a fight. There is no way that a normal ohrol would be able to defeat him. And I cannot let General Hon take the credit for it. That is why I need your help.”
“And why would I help you?” The immortal got angry. “After all I went through. After all the pain those like you caused me, you think I will help you?”
"Like I said-" Adonia tried to explain but the immortal cut her off.
“Do you realize how many times I was burned, impaled, poisoned, and whatnot, just because those like you decided I was a monster?” The immortal's body started to hurt from his shouting. He didn’t have enough strength for it, but he couldn’t keep his anger in. Ohrols caused him unbearable pain, and his cursed body never let it end. It always recovered to receive more pain.
There was no greater pain than pain of the death itself.
“I never did anything wrong to anyone! And still, ever since I was born, ohrols wanted me to die.” He swung his hand as strongly as his non-existent muscles allowed him to. Tears dripped down his face. They were one of the few things that didn’t return to his body after being separated.
“After all that I went through,” his voice became frail, “You think that I would help you?”
“Of course not,” Adonia answered. “I already told you that I would give you something in return for your help.”
“The only thing that would satisfy me is death," he said. "And I doubt you could give me that."
“What if I gave you the opposite?” Adonia asked unbothered by the immortal’s outburst.
"And what is that?"
Adonia once more touched the bowl that she set on the table. "Life!"
“Life!?” the immortal’s shout echoed through the room.
He started laughing.
“Life? I’m immortal. I have more life in me than you ever will. And you think you can give me life?”
“That may be true,” Adonia answered calmly. “But can you truly say that the way you lived until now can be called life?”
The immortal didn’t answer her, he just stood gritting his teeth.
“I will show you that there is much more to life than just being alive,” she said.
The immortal paused for a moment. He breathed deeply. “And how will you do that?”
“With this,” Adonia picked up the bowl from the table. “Unfortunately, it is nothing special for now since I don’t know if you could take anything more.”
The immortal leaned in to see what it was. As Adonia turned and put forward the bowl, he saw that there was soup inside of it.
“No!” the immortal jumped back. “No!”
Adonia took another step forward, but the immortal moved back, stumbling onto the bed.
“No!” the immortal trembled. He tried to run further but a wall behind him would not let him through. “I’m not going to eat. I knew you wanted to torture me.”
+
Action = was it not a struggle to even stand before his endless stabbing at the barracks? How is he able to move so much and so easily all of a sudden?
+
A long time has passed since he tasted the food, but the aftermath of it was etched deep down into his memory.
An old female ohrol gave him an apple, or at least something resembling it. Even though it was half rotten, he had bitten into the apple and regretted his decision for multiple reasons. The taste of it was worse than the sludge Surem’s priests were feeding him with when he was a child.
But even more so, he regretted eating the apple because two soldiers saw everything that happened. The female ohrol fled the scene but stood no chance to outrun a young soldier. The soldier cut off her head with no hesitation. There was no hope for anyone who fed immortals. It was an act seen as allying oneself with immortals, which is the greatest sin an ohrol could commit.
Only Surem’s priests were allowed to feed the immortals. Priests knew how to make immortals grow enough to be useful but still kept them from being a threat.
What the other soldier did to him made the immortal scared of tasting food ever again.
+
Action = i'm curious, if a immortal ate himself say he chomped off his own finger for food, would the finger grow back? or would it just pop out of his mouth and place itself back where it was?
+
The soldier drove the pole of his halberd down the immortal’s throat to make him throw up. It lasted for half a day, and the pain of it echoed in his mind for weeks.
“You think I don’t know what happens when someone feeds an immortal?” Adonia said standing in front of the bed. “Do you think I would do this knowing that I would be executed on the spot?”
The immortal scratched the walls with his bony hands, but the walls wouldn’t let him through.
“Don’t worry,” Adonia reassured him. “Nothing will happen. No one is here to see me feed you. Or to see you eating.”
The immortal looked around the room. No one else was in the room, but he couldn’t shake the feeling of being watched. The flickering candle lit the room, but it could help conceal the parts of it as well. The immortal couldn’t trust ohrols.
“I assure you, no one will come into this room,” Adonia said. “I made myself very clear to the servants. No one is allowed to come to the basement. After all, I have no intentions of dying.”
"I'm not eating it," he cried out. "You're not going to fool me."
"Believe me, it's not what you think."
She tried putting the bowl in immortal's hands, but he used all his might to get away from it.
Adonia sighed. "You're leaving me no choice. If you won't take it, I will have to convince you by force."
As she decided to switch to a forceful approach, the immortal realized what he was doing. He reverted to his old self, trying to resist. But he never gained anything from resistance, only obedience reduced the pain.
He reached out to take the bowl and be done with it. The sooner he eats the damn thing, the sooner will she leave him alone.
“I see that you finally realized that I have no intention of hurting you,” she said and handed the bowl.
He grabbed the bowl from the Lady and pulled it closer. She smiled. They always smiled before making him feel the pain.
As he brought the bowl closer, the sweet smell of the soup overcame his senses. Everything else in the room vanished in the moment. The sweet smell must have been used to cover the presence of poison which would cause him pain.
“Eat up,” Adonia said with a smile.
+
Action = as practical as Adonia is, i'm curious if she has a backup plan for immortal, since he could easily feign allegiance until he is strong enough and equipped to betray her and her cause
+
The divine smell of the soup drew his attention away from the wretched noble. Even the anticipated pain vanished from his thoughts. He wanted to consume the soup. If the smell was so sweet, then the taste must be as delightful as the death that avoided him for ages.
He grabbed the spoon and put it into his mouth. The warmth spread through his bones in an instant. His mouth overflowed with pleasure and he could no longer feel his body. Such poison was never used on him before. If he could no longer feel his muscles from a spoonful of the soup, he wondered would the rest be able to separate him from his cursed body.
The immortal grabbed the bowl and drank the soup directly from it. He felt nothing but a warmth within him.
Once he opened his eyes, he hoped that he would be in the other world. In a world where he was no longer immortal. A world without pain.
Seeing the Lady smile at him shattered the illusion. He was still latched by his curse.
“How do you like it?” she said.
“I—” the immortal paused. He was disappointed and relieved at the same time. The warmth lingered in his body, but he couldn’t shake off the unusual feeling in his stomach. “I don’t know,” he immortal answered.
The smile vanished from the Lady’s face.
“I expected more,” Adonia said. “I suppose a simple soup wouldn’t be enough to get you to cooperate. I should bring something better.”
“Simple soup?” the immortal was puzzled. The soup removed the ever-present pain from his body, and she dares call it simple.
“Wait!” The immortal thoughts finally caught up with the senses from his body. He no longer felt the pain in his body. “There’s no poison, is there?” he asked.
“Why would there be any poison? I told you that I want your help.”
Adonia grabbed the bowl from the immortal and carried it to the table. The mellow fragrance of it continued to fill in the room.
“I was afraid that your body might not be able to take anything besides the simplest of soups,” Adonia said. “But I suppose I will have to bring something better to have you on my side.”
“Better than this?” The immortal refused to believe that there could be anything greater than the absence of pain.
“As I said, I would give you a proper life in exchange for your help. And this soup is the smallest fraction of it. And it will be yours to enjoy if you agree to hel—”
“I’ll do whatever you want me to do,” the immortal interrupted. He didn’t care what the Lady wanted from him, as long as he would feel no pain.
+
Action = felt a little off that he is so eager to join her so he wouldn't feel no pain for a cause that will lead to exactly that, it also feels a little off that Adonia is so accepting of his answer as well, knowing his history of suffering and betrayal was all looked over for a bowl of soup, feels like there needs to be a bit more build up then just a single night and a single conversation
+
“I’m glad to hear this,” Adonia smiled. “I hope that we will get along well…” Adonia paused.
“I just realized how rude I was,” she said, bowing her head slightly. “I never asked for your name.”
“Name?” the immortal asked.
“Yes, your name! I was talking with you all this time without asking for your name. What is your name?”
“My name?” the immortal paused. “I have no name.”
“That is no good. Every ohrol needs a name.” Adonia said. “It would be unnerving to not have a name to call you by. What do others usually call you by.”
The immortal lowered his head looking at the shadows playing on the floor. “Monster,” he whispered.
+
Action = i like the emotions and buildup to that line
+
Adonia raised her voice. “Don’t say that! You’re not a monster. It’s those filthy Surem’s priests who put it into your head. But I will prove them wrong. You’re not a monster.”
The immortal looked up. The anger covered her composed face each time she mentioned the priests. He couldn’t blame her.
“If there’s nothing, I will give you the name,” she said.
“Give me the name?” the immortal asked.
“Yes. And I just know the right one!” Adonia exclaimed. “Solus!”
“Solus?”
“Solus!” she said. “From now on, you will be called Solus. I hope you are happy with your name, Solus.”
“I’m—” he paused, feeling thrilled “—happy with it.”
It wasn’t really the name itself that made him happy. He couldn’t stop smiling because, for the first time in his cursed life, someone didn’t call him a monster.
“And why is this name right for me?” Solus asked Adonia.
“I based it on my father’s name,” she said. “He was a child of a foreigner, despised by everyone around him for his difference. And he changed his destiny through effort. I thought you might do the same. I believe you can show to ohrols that you are not a monster they think you are.”
“I don’t care what they think,” Solus said. “Just give me more of the food you promised and I’ll do whatever you want.”
“Splendid,” Adonia said, smiling.
all and all this was a very fun read, a lot of build up and ominous intrigue with the worlds history and characters, so far Adonia has my personal interest and im curious to see what her plans are in later chapters.
other then the issues i listed about throughout the story. this is a solid entry for the slow burning/ dark storys that i myself am a major fan of ^^