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Author Topic: A Short Story By Yours Truly  (Read 761 times)

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Offline Coach Fro

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A Short Story By Yours Truly
« on: December 02, 2013, 10:39:40 AM »
So in one of my Writing Classes We had to write our own short stories. First, the professor had us write within a 300 word range. Then he told us to bump it up to  800 words. Once we did that, he told us to bump it back down to 750 and then he gave us feedback. The final draft is due this week and I thought I'll let guys see what I came up with. Hopefully, you guys will like it. I personally didn't feel it like that. Still, I thought I did decent enough.
[h]

Fro's Short Story

         The night air was cold and suffocating. Sheets of Ice covered the ground and ice sickles dangled from the edges of houses and frozen tree branches. Roosevelt Street was nearly consumed in total darkness. Every lamppost on the block had been shut off. Felicia, a light skinned trick with a curvy figure stood right under one of the dead lamppost. Her sweat pierced through the cold like spear through stone and trickled down from the third eye tattoo on her forehead onto the deep knife scar on her right cheek. Her body shook rapidly. Her knees were slightly bent, seeming as if she was getting ready to collapse on the ground.
   
       The cold touch of the metallic, black handgun froze her hands stiff. She stared into her best friend Angie’s eyes, a small petite Latina who was lying on the ground in a fetal position. She was trembling as much as Felicia was. Felicia didn’t want to do it. She tried to her lift up her arm, but the pressure overwhelmed her so much that her arm fell back to her side and swayed uncontrollably from left to right.
   
       The other members of the Trap Lords were glaring at Felicia. They had all their arms folded and their faces were stone cold. Some were tapping their feet repeatedly on the concrete while others were chewing hard on gum that had already dried out. She knew what had to be done. Angie double-crossed the gang, so now she had to suffer the consequences. And if Felicia had a problem with that, then she would be killed for being disobedient
   
       Pedro, the Head Lord of the gang, was the one orchestrating the dilemma. He was a tall, bald and muscular guy with a faded goatee and snake tattoos that intertwined from the back of his head all the way to the front. He was Felicia’s lover and Angie’s older brother.
   
      Pedro became impatient and stormed up to Felicia. He placed his hand on her shoulder. The warm touch of his large hand sent a flurry of mixed emotions running through her mind.

       Felicia always had a thing for guys tougher than her. Even though she likes to be the one in charge, she couldn’t help but get turned on whenever a man is able to take control of her. That’s probably why she liked Pedro so much. Out of all the boys she fooled around with, Pedro was the one guy she always came back to, even though he often mistreated her. That’s probably why she hated Pedro as much as she liked him.

        “Hey”, he whispered in her ear, getting closer to her, wrapping his hands around her waist. “So is you gonna shoot this bitch or what?”

        Her mind went blank for a moment. Her body began to move on its own as if Pedro’s words had hypnotized her. Like a mindless Zombie, she raised her arm and pointed the gun at Angie. But as she did that she saw the tears in Angie’s eyes. Her tears reminded her of all the times she had to save Angie’s ass whenever she got herself into trouble. That’s how their friendship started. She couldn’t bear the idea of not being able to save Angie, let alone killing her. That’s when she snapped. Turning around, she held the gun point blank in Pedro’s face. Pedro’s eyes widened, shocked by Felicia’s sudden transformation.

      “NO!”

       Bang!

Messatsu...



Offline legomaestro

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Re: A Short Story By Yours Truly
« Reply #1 on: December 02, 2013, 11:11:46 AM »
Remember to give it a title.

Flash fiction huh. Pretty nice for a short, though I hate all characters mentioned somehow haha.

I think you went a bit over the top with the 'sweat piercing through the cold like a spear through stone' bit, so with that and other metaphors maybe you could consider toning them down a little.

I like how fan fiction delivers slices of stories in such a quick and powerful way.


Offline Coach Fro

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Re: A Short Story By Yours Truly
« Reply #2 on: December 02, 2013, 11:23:24 AM »
Ha Ha Thanks Lego. I agree with you on the metaphor. I was just in that mode where I don't care about what I write.

As for the characters, Im actually building upon them in another class.  Right now I'm writing short bits of these characters for assignments and what not. I'm actually starting to like Felicia as I write about her more. Still don't like Pedro tho lol.

This assignment irritated me tho. Figuring out how to write a story within a certain amount of words frustrated the hell out of me. It was stii fun tho and I'm glad I did it.
Messatsu...



Offline legomaestro

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Re: A Short Story By Yours Truly
« Reply #3 on: December 02, 2013, 12:17:58 PM »
You seem to be enjoying your writing classes. That's fun. Do you show your work to other students or even discuss it?

Offline Coach Fro

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Re: A Short Story By Yours Truly
« Reply #4 on: December 02, 2013, 12:27:47 PM »
Yeah we read our work aloud and sometimes we address our work to one another as a letter.  After our work is read the teacher would ask us to recall parts of the story that stood out to us. It's a very hands on kind of class.
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Offline legomaestro

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Re: A Short Story By Yours Truly
« Reply #5 on: December 02, 2013, 12:30:08 PM »
Sounds interesting. Do people give artsy critiques or are they straightforward?

Offline Coach Fro

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Re: A Short Story By Yours Truly
« Reply #6 on: December 02, 2013, 12:41:11 PM »
Usually Straight forward. But, the teacher is the person who gives all the feedback.  Sometimes the other students will remain quiet and won't say anything unless the teacher calls them out.
Messatsu...