Blue (working title)

[LazyDude]

OK I AM FINALLY GONNA WRITE A PSYCHOLOGICAL THRILLER!!!!!!! 

Ok I really think this story will be the next Death Note or Code Geass.    All I really wanna do is write atleast 5 chapters on this for since allot of things are still a bit not-planned. And my shonen are more precious to me (MY PRECIOUS!!!!!!! )

On to the story. My story is mostly about a guy with black hair and dark blue eyes. (Idk his name since I have no idea where I am setting it in either America or Japan ) He is basically a normal joe with problems and very religious. He receives a note that appeared in his face. That simple note sent him on a mission to kill in the name of his god or justice. He then meets a girl that gives him a god-like ability. With this he takes the world by storm by the alias Giggles (he laughs like the joker).

I might post chapters but I wanna know if the idea is decent enough.

[Gemu Osama]

sounds cool, but don't force a supernatural element into a story if it does not need to there. you have a really good concept even without the superhuman abilities. so maybe decide weather you want this story to be a realistic psycho-thriller or a supernatural-thriller.

[50 Words for Paipis]

I like the character's nickname.

One thing: in fiction, there's no such thing as a normal joe. We only say "normal joe" when we aren't paying attention to the details of the character. If you write a psychological thriller, you have to, as the name implies, explore the psychology of the characters. You can put any killer you want in the villain helm, but, unless you give it depth, which will take a careful and detailed understanding of the characters, it will fall flat.

In terms of depth, Death Note and Monster are great examples to follow. (I've not actually watched Code Geass, ashamedly.)

[Lumaria]

Have some modesty. you shouldnt be quick to call your work the next code geass or death note.

First off i dont understand the idea. it looks like its trying to have the same hook as deathnote (mysterious note) and then fode geass (god like ability). But how do these fit together?

First off such a simple average character shouldnt be a selling point. sell what kind of person he really is. also this little note made him out to become a killer for god/justice. How? Death note for example (mostly the anime) in the beginning was that light noticed the book and contemplated on retrieving it. when he did he even speculated on trying it out. what does your note do?

Regardless the beginning is far too close to death note.

for later on he gains a new ability from someone but how? it seems like its turning left with the note andsuddenly turn right with this new godlike ability.

[legomaestro]

Well if you're enthusiastic about the idea try it out to see how it goes! right now it sounds a bit too much like death note (a note appears, killing in the name of justice) so i'd rather see what actually happens and what you have in mind. Write while the inspiration is still fresh.

If he is really an average joe it would be interesting to see how he chooses his targets. There is this manga, Junk, where the author was trying to make a super hero out of an average joe. It was interesting to see how cheap this average joe's thoughts were. He went around attacking people who talked bad about him on internet forums, and almost got caught numerous times. It wraps itself up by having a conspirancy in the end, but I really liked that manga because it pulled off its theme well.

[LazyDude]

Have some modesty. you shouldnt be quick to call your work the next code geass or death note.

First off i dont understand the idea. it looks like its trying to have the same hook as deathnote (mysterious note) and then fode geass (god like ability). But how do these fit together?

First off such a simple average character shouldnt be a selling point. sell what kind of person he really is. also this little note made him out to become a killer for god/justice. How? Death note for example (mostly the anime) in the beginning was that light noticed the book and contemplated on retrieving it. when he did he even speculated on trying it out. what does your note do?

Regardless the beginning is far too close to death note.

for later on he gains a new ability from someone but how? it seems like its turning left with the note andsuddenly turn right with this new godlike ability.

Ah yea your right but I feel like this idea is my second best yet  .

I do have to be honest it does fit together in a weird way (well at least right now since everything isn't planned yet and when I write my thrillers I plan absolutely everything.) I can guarantee the girl and the note are related. And idk if I am right but I think you may have misunderstood what I typed (But it could be my poor wording) But the note is just a regular piece of paper that told him to do something. And since he is this normal guy. His life is just the regular routine. Each day he never did anything differently. I did this so regular people could relate to him.

About the ability. That part may have been very cliche but its brings in that girl who is a very interesting character. And it gives my MC an interesting catch-phrase or well catch-fix (Lol idk).

I will try to clarify when i put out my 2 chapters. I would really like if you could come back and read it if you can.

[Lumaria]

nope. i understood everything. i know the note and the woman are connected. it still seems like two different turns. one leaning toward death note, then suddenly one leaning toward code geass.


every day routine doesn't really relate to anyone. sure everyone can relate to how boring life can be, but it's not the smartest move. it's like saying this character has no personality. every story has a different type of personality and character. their lives may be routine but their always different. and its still relatable.

he should still be interswting as a character. it doesn't really explainhow he gets to that point.

everything i said still stands. i hope you read more into the point of what i was trying to say.

[LazyDude]

Well if you're enthusiastic about the idea try it out to see how it goes! right now it sounds a bit too much like death note (a note appears, killing in the name of justice) so i'd rather see what actually happens and what you have in mind. Write while the inspiration is still fresh.

If he is really an average joe it would be interesting to see how he chooses his targets. There is this manga, Junk, where the author was trying to make a super hero out of an average joe. It was interesting to see how cheap this average joe's thoughts were. He went around attacking people who talked bad about him on internet forums, and almost got caught numerous times. It wraps itself up by having a conspirancy in the end, but I really liked that manga because it pulled off its theme well.

I am really glad that people are saying its like death note (because I took quite a bit of inspiration from Darker Than Black [MC are pretty similar] and The Joker from Batman) But of course i will try to make it as unique as possible.

Oh btw is Junk a webcomic? or is it still developing? or is it published? In any case the author seems pretty good.

[Lumaria]

i really think you should consider making your work more original. a (death) note drops on his face (ground) and suddenly random character gets it. light was a character who was smart but bored made it his mission to get rid of all evil and become the god of this world. your character is just plain old average, which means he has no selling point, which means to the common reader he's boring. 

if you want your series to be like death note in a good way, bring the things that made death note for what it is, which is much more than a notebook (nor a note paper) in your story.

[LazyDude]

nope. i understood everything. i know the note and the woman are connected. it still seems like two different turns. one leaning toward death note, then suddenly one leaning toward code geass.


every day routine doesn't really relate to anyone. sure everyone can relate to how boring life can be, but it's not the smartest move. it's like saying this character has no personality. every story has a different type of personality and character. their lives may be routine but their always different. and its still relatable.

he should still be interswting as a character. it doesn't really explainhow he gets to that point.

everything i said still stands. i hope you read more into the point of what i was trying to say.

Oh alright I understand.

But I did plan on making him different (Him receiving the note makes him show his true personality). I just neglected to post that (sorry). But thats why I want to post my chapters before people can fully judge it. I can clarify through the story lol. And I guess "average joe" was bad wording on my part. I really meant that he is a very dull and boring person but completely straightforward and religious lol.

But I would still really like it if you judged my chapters once they are out.

[Lumaria]

i think you should just say that he's religious and not dull and boring.

[LazyDude]

i really think you should consider making your work more original. a (death) note drops on his face (ground) and suddenly random character gets it. light was a character who was smart but bored made it his mission to get rid of all evil and become the god of this world. your character is just plain old average, which means he has no selling point, which means to the common reader he's boring. 

if you want your series to be like death note in a good way, bring the things that made death note for what it is, which is much more than a notebook (nor a note paper) in your story.

Ah sry I keep posting late lol. Well I do plan on small changes. But my character may be boring to some people but his interactions with other characters make him interesting like I have seen with other works.

[Lumaria]

then boring shouldn't be the selling point. its best to sell what really makes up your character....

how is he boring? how is he dull? just because he's just like us? then maybe the idea is to sell that he's a normal guy. whats his personality like? blank? colorless? you mentioned he's religious, which means he can't be average, he has to have some morals that others dont always agree with it.

[LazyDude]

i think you should just say that he's religious and not dull and boring.

Ah forever late. Well he is… um… boring religiously :not understand: . What I mean by that is that even though he is religious. he is still very boring with that which will be pretty clear when I write

[Lumaria]

i have no interest in reading a character that can be both religious, and make that aspect of him go to waste....lazydude....seriously consider dropping the "dull and boring".