3rd Hikari series vote

[hikari]

So as some as you guys and gals may know, I normally do 3 series' which is a chapter per series per week. But one of my series', Card
Scan is giving me trouble. Currently I'm writing EXO (shonen battle) and Import (shonen), I want to write something darker, a senien if possible. And seen as Card Scan is the weakest link, it may lose its place. So, I want you guys to choose a series for me to write. How does this work? Well, I will upload the first chapters of 5 series' here, the first week will be card scan seen as its finished. When I have uploaded all 5 chapters, I will open a vote. You will have the options of either of the 5, and the addition to say "they're all dog turd, use none... in fact stop writing, you are a disgrace!" ...wow, that was weird...moving on, if you choose this option I will think of a new series and add it to this list and if THAT isnt good enough then I will only use EXO and Import. Vote if you wish, I dont really mind and if you can't choose between 2 then be extremely picky, I will grant one person the ability to vote twice if I feel like it but I can only do it once (its basically me voting for one in your steed). Anyway thanks, oh and the chapters will be uploaded every wednesday, ciao


Ok peeps, voting has closed and the winner is Evil Hero, it won with a total of 5 votes. Thank you to anyone who voted or even just read them, im currently writing the 2nd chapter now (its 2 days after the deadline for voting), and it should be up tomorrow!!!!

[Maihime]

This should be good

[legomaestro]

Well if this is what you want that's okay, but you should really trust in your own feelings as a writer. You will always meet someone who hates or likes your story. Yes, to an extent it's good to know which seems the most interesting, but i think you should make your own choice when making the story.

.

[Crazycone]

I agree with Legomaestro...
You aren't working for someone, therefor you should sieze the moment to work on something you're truly passionate with. Don't write something just because you want to write it and then show it to people, write it because you want to play with the story, because you want to be the one pulling the strings in the story. If you want to sell it, that doesn't change anything, just the fact that you MUST keep the reader's hope at the border.

I don't think you should have us vote, whatever we say will just hurt you unless everyone says that they liked your series... but then again, if we do that then we wouldn't be doing anything good. You should re-read your stories and choose the one's that you like the most, then ask yourself "If someone else had wrote this, would I read it with the same passion?". If the answer is no, then throw it away and work on something else.
You wan't to publish this, don't you? Then this is a time where you should be EXTREMELY picky (unless you are a genius), if you have even the slighest doubt that this isn't going to get published, then MAKE IT BETTER OR THROW IT AWAY!

I haven't read your stories, but I just felt that I had to post this.
Good luck, and may the force be with you!

[50 Words for Paipis]

I only wish I could write three series at a time. I tried to write a second (Crom Killet), but ended up abandoning it.

[legomaestro]

It's generally not a good idea to have many projects at once. Not sure if some professionals are better at doing that but I've found it to be a stressful experience.

[hikari]

Writing more than one series per week is fairly easy for me thanks to my laid back college timetable. As for choosing which story to use...I dont mind what I write, ive never been a very decisive person

[hikari]

well, as promised... here is the first chapter of Card Scan:

Spoiler

(Start 12 years from the present date)
News: Welcome, in today’s news... bear escapes from its enclosure in the local zoo, killing a total of 3 people, taxes have risen another 25% this means that the price of all household items and food have risen by a quarter of their original price, the war may be over but there are still people missing in other countries. It’s not all bad news however, the popular children’s card game TYKI has begun mass production, and Dr Hanabira of Scythe Corporation has added a special card to the fray. We are being told that this card has the ability to grant one wish from any user, here is what the boss of the corporation had to say about the topic
Scythe boss: We engineered this card to give any user one wish. So people of the world, search as far as you can, this fun game is for your future
News: There you have it. Although the Scythe leader shows this as a fun game for people to take their minds off all that happened, one man had a different thought pattern, here are the thoughts of Dr Hanabira...
Yui (6): Look daddy! You’re on TV! (Smile)
-SILENCE-
Yui: Daddy?
(Dr Hanabira is gritting his teeth, his eyes show fear)
Dr Hanabira (on news): This may be aimed for fun but after all that happened do you really think it’ll be that easy!? PEOPLE LOST FAMILY! SOME LOST EVERYTHING! AND YOU DON’T THINK THAT THEY’LL WANT TO DO ANYTHING ABOUT THAT!?
Scythe boss: Ha-ha, of course people have lost a lot, and that’s why we have done this... so it takes their minds off it-
(Dr Hanabira punches the boss)
Dr Hanabira: YOU FU-
News: Sorry for that folks, some awful scenes here. Dr Hanabira was fired after this, does this mean that there will be no more of these special cards? Guess again... the Dr’s intern has taken over and is creating more cards for you people to enjoy. This has been all, good bye for now-
(The TV is turned off, Yui turns to her father. Dr Hanabira is still gritting his teeth, anger and fear are written over his face)
Dr Hanabira: ... (Quietly) Idiots!
Yui: (Turns her head so that its diagonal, confused look on her face)
Dr Hanabira: Yui, listen to me... We are leaving here, go pack your bags
Yui: But why-
Dr Hanabira: JUST DO IT!
(Yui is scared tears are starting to appear, the Doctor hugs her)
Dr Hanabira: I’m sorry! I’m sorry! Just please go and pack your stuff, quickly
Yui: Daddy? What’s wrong?
Dr Hanabira: It’s nothing, Don’t worry about it, I’ll keep you safe no matter what... go on, I’ll be waiting here for you (wipes away Yui’s tears)
Yui: Ok! (Smile)
(Yui runs upstairs, the doctor looks out of the window and sees a mob of people fighting with the special cards, and people are being killed)
Dr Hanabira: I’m sorry to you all... it’s all my fault, if I hadn’t made those damn things, the world would be fine. People are killing others for that one card. That company... if I’d only spoken louder, they would have heard my voice... but they’re ears were covered by that money grabbing company
(There is a bang at the door; it is getting louder... the door breaks down)
Local: There you are doctor!
(The man is drenched in blood. His shouts are too quiet for Yui to hear)
Local: Where is it!?
Dr Hanabira: You’ve killed people for your own gain. I won’t reveal it’s location to someone so selfish!
Local: Heh we’ll see about that!
(Change to Yui)
Yui: (Smile) I’ll take you and you and... Hmm, not you! You were a gift from that man who fired Daddy!
(Yui zips the suitcase shut)
Yui: Aaaaaall done! (Smile)
(Yui walks out of her door, she is walking down the stairs)
Yui: (Smile) Daddy! All done!-
-SHOCK-
(Dr Hanabira is lying on the floor drenched in blood, his left arm and right leg have been severed)
(Yui is paralysed by fear and shock)
Dr Hanabira: YUI! RUN!!!!
(Yui doesn’t move)
Local: I didn’t know you had a daughter Doctor! She’ll be perfect! As you know I’ve been thrown in prison for raping small children... I pleaded not guilty. Well guess what. It WAS me!
(The Doctor’s eyes open fully in shock and fear)
Dr Hanabira: You wouldn’t dare!
Local: Try me! (Grabs Yui) Either you tell me where the “Shooting star is... or you witness the rape of your very own daughter!
Yui: Help! (Crying)
Dr Hanabira: LET HER GO!
Local: Tell me where the card is!
Dr Hanabira: I... I didn’t hide it... the company did
-SILENCE-
Local: LIAR!
(Dr Hanabira activates a “black card”. This turns him fully red, he goes straight through the man, and Yui is safe)
Local: You... that... (Fall to the floor, is dead)
(The doctor runs over to Yui and hugs her)
Dr Hanabira: You’re ok! I’m here, the bad man is gone (Looks up at her) are you hurt?
Yui: (Shakes her head)
Dr Hanabira: Ok. We are getting out of here grab your stu-
(A pulse of pain hits the Doctor)
Dr Hanabira: Gu-
(Yui turns to him)
Dr Hanabira: GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(The doctor falls to the floor in pain. Yui runs to him)
Yui: DADDY!
Dr Hanabira: (Thoughts) I forgot about the draw backs of the card. Block out the pain! Block out the pain! Be strong for Yui!
-SILENCE-
Dr Hanabira: Yui... I need you. To be calm, ok?
Yui: Ok (Confused)
Dr Hanabira: I’m... I’m... Gonna die Yui
(Yui has tears in her eyes... she shows shock and fear)
Yui: No! Don’t die!!
Dr Hanabira: I’m sorry... Yui, but you have to be brave... you have to fight. (Reveals a TYKI scanner and 4 cards, as well as 3 glass healing cards) Take these, please do me a favour... please... don’t die (Tears are flowing from his eyes)
Yui: Please!! Don’t leave me alone! (Crying)
Dr Hanabira: Be safe... my beautiful little girl... I love you (shuts eyes)
-SILENCE-
Yui: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! DADDY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
Yui (18 Years old, present date): He did everything to protect me... his last words were not screams of pain or pleading for his life... they were to keep me alive, to keep me from feeling alone
(Shows present day Yui)
Yui: 12 Years after that I have lived to fight. To fight for a goal. My mother died at birth, and my father promised to keep me safe... but because of them he’s dead as well. I have taken the cards; I have taken the scanner... I have taken lives. I fought everyday, even before I was 10. I have made no friends in fear that they were selfish enough to kill me for their own dream. I have searched miles and miles for the “shooting star” card.
(Yui stands up from; she was sat near a tree before. She begins walking down a road. She notices a bandit camp full of innocent people as slaves, mainly women and children)
Yui: I’ve changed though; I will protect those who only want to live a normal life, for those who had nothing to do with this world full of death. I will see my father again; I don’t plan on dying though. I will resurrect him!

[legomaestro]

http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php/topic,8672

[hikari]

The second option for you who are bothered... is a little series I like to call Killjoy.

Spoiler

Killjoy

Pilot Chapter
(We are in a dark, empty room. The walls are black and lifeless. There is a hole in the crease between the roof and the wall, one beam of light is hitting a boy who is asleep. The boy, is our main character Tetsuo Araki aged 18. The light wakes him up)
Tetsuo: (slowly sitting up, Yawns and stretches then looks around) Well… can’t say I’m not used to this, waking up in a place that I have no idea of. Must’ve been an awesome night… still, I think trying to remember last night should probably wait till I find out where I am
Voice: So you are fond of things like this? (Modified voice)
(Tetsuo jumps back in fear and shortly shouts in fear)
Tetsuo: Holy crap! That scared the hell outta me!
-SILENCE-
Tetsuo: Wait… where are you? And… why is your voice so weird?
Voice: I am quite far away from you, but I have bugged the room you are currently in… I have placed transmitters and some other technical gadgets that I doubt you really care about. What this means is that I can see and hear you, but you can only hear me. And the voice thing… let’s just say that it will make the game we are going to play a lot more interesting
Tetsuo: Game?
Voice: Yes… you see, a while back I saw something on a show. It was a death match where these people where on an island and it was every man for himself. I thought, wouldn’t it be fun to do that? Well… don’t worry, I changed the rules
Tetsuo: O…k…
Voice: How about this, before I explain the game, you can ask me a few questions about: where you are; where I am; who I am… you know, the general things
Tetsuo: Okay then… where am I?
Voice: You are in an abandoned shack just outside of a city
Tetsuo: What city?
Voice: Asakusa
Tetsuo: I’m that far away?! I live in Shinjuku!
Voice: Yes, unfortunately for you, this game must be played where you have no connection to family
Tetsuo: What’s that supposed to mean?
Voice: We’ll get to that when I explain the game rules
Tetsuo: …why aren’t you showing yourself?
Voice: Because if you knew who I was then it’d be much easier for you.
Tetsuo: *sigh* is this “game” mandatory?
Voice: Well, no
Tetsuo: Then sorry to say this but I won’t be playing this game, I’ll be heading home
Voice: Are you sure?
Tetsuo: (Stands up, turns to the door but looks behind himself) Yeah, I’ve got to study so I can get into a good university… well, nice talking to you I guess
(Tetsuo walks to the door, he reaches the handle)
Voice: (Without changing his voice, the tension explodes) but… who will help your friends?
-SILENCE-
Tetsuo: What do you mean?
Voice: You were brought to this city with 4 others, 3 male and one female. Shigure Kouen, Kazuki Amuro, Arita Satsuki… and Yuri Inoue
Tetsuo: (Shock) how do you know their names?!
Voice: It’s as I said before, they were brought here with you. But for them, I didn’t allow them to play the game… they will become your reward if you win
Tetsuo: Where are they!?
Voice: Why, they are with MY friends… why don’t you use the camera behind you? There is a recording on there just for you
Tetsuo: Recording? Of what?
Voice: You’ll find out
(Tetsuo turns around and searches for the camera, it is behind some rubble, he picks it up, turns it on and presses play. The screen is split into four separate recordings, each with one of Tetsuo’s friends. Behind all of them is a dark figure. Tetsuo’s friends are all tied up in dark dreary rooms like he is)
Kazuki: You gotta let me go man! I’ve got tests to do, you have no idea how pushy my parents are!
Arita: Let me go, now! I could take all of you right here you cowards!
Shigure: …
Yuri: Please… just let me go!
(The video turns off)
Voice: As you can see, your friends aren’t exactly in the best position either
Tetsuo: What do you want with me? With them?
Voice: Didn’t I explain before? I’m always bored you see… and then I saw that on a show, and it looked so interesting. I decided to remake it with you as the player
Tetsuo: I thought you changed the rules of it? Why do you need them?!
Voice: I did change the rules, but they didn’t make the game non-lethal. In fact, this could make it more of a blood bath. Now then… will you leave or will you partake?
Tetsuo: Let them go and I will
Voice: But then you’d lose your motivation for the end game, besides… it makes things easier for us if it’s just you. The rules are simple Mr Araki. You will be placed in the city you are near to, If you don’t get there 18 minutes after I have told you all the rules then I will personally kill all of your friends
Tetsuo: Why 18 minutes?
Voice: We had one of the people, who set this up, run the length you will. It took him that long, if you take longer then they will die, if you are faster than he will die. The rule you must remember is that you must kill at least once a day
Tetsuo: What!?
Voice: I don’t like to be bored for long, if you only kill once every few days then I’ll just kill you and get one of your friends to do this ordeal. Your targets are the four people who were in the rooms with your friends, they are what I call “Generals”, and you will not know their names or faces so you will have to figure out for yourself. But don’t worry, they will be on the city streets daily so that you have a chance to see and kill them. They were all on death row, but I saved them… and now they are willing to die for the sake of my entertainment
Tetsuo: but… but what if I kill a civilian by mistake?!
Voice: You will have to, although thanks to a special machine you went in, every time you kill someone… you will see their past, their happiness, and their sorrow. It could even kill you.
Tetsuo: So you are putting innocent people in danger?! You monster!
Voice: What do I care? They are all trash anyway. Oh and if you get arrested then the killing people rule will not apply, but you must break out within 10 days. It may be sick but at least we are a little reasonable
Tetsuo: Thinking of innocent people killing innocent people for fun is reasonable?!
Voice: (Laugh) Innocent!? You?! HA! You are such a joker! But seriously, you should start thinking which is most important to you: Your humanity; or your friends
Tetsuo: …
Voice: If you find out who a general is, you must kill him. They will not try to kill you unless you attack them… we can’t be letting you die without putting up a fight. Once you kill a general, take his wallet, there should be a key and one of your friend’s names on a piece of paper along with an address. Go to the address and let them go, they have to leave the city, they cannot participate, If they do help you then the entire city will die via nuclear bomb… I will leave well before it hits. For you to leave this place, you must kill all 4 generals as well as me. I will not be easy to find, I will stay outside all day and all night however I will not leave the spot I am in. If you kill me then the people who work for me will not harm you or your friends. As for food and water, there will be a fully functioning apartment for you in the heart of the city, your rent will be paid for you, the food will be dropped off by one of my workers, as long as you do nothing to bother him, he will continue to drop off the essentials, provoke him and he won’t buy you anything, kill him and obviously he won’t get you anything and I will not get you another person to run such errands
Tetsuo: What about my friends? Can I keep them in that apartment?
Voice: As long as you don’t plot anything then yes, I pay for everything anyway. If you kill a general, you will see their past but it won’t harm you, they have all killed and lived lives full of murder and hatred and they are fine with it, torture them if you want but they will not reveal anything to you. Am I clear?
Tetsuo: …
Voice: Cheer up Araki-kun. We are going to have lots of fun together!
Tetsuo: …What do I call you?
Voice: hmm? I don’t know… I can’t tell you my real name because it would make things easier for you… how about Puma
Tetsuo: Fine
Puma: The last thing you need to know is the method of killing. You can kill how you want, beating to death, burned, hung, shot, decapitated… it’s up to you. But I have given you some basic weapons, tap on the wall near to you, if it sounds hollow then break it
(Tetsuo finds it and punches through it, then pulling his arm out which removes most of the dry wall. There is 3 large boxes of pistol ammunition, a small Glock and a pair of BC-41’s (A knuckleduster combined with a small blade, originated in Sheffield, England) Tetsuo picks them up)
Puma: Now you have stealth weapons and one just in case you have to blow someone’s face off… I doubt you’ll need to but you never know… the time to get to the city starts… now, good luck… I look forward to seeing this play out
Tetsuo opens the door and sees a beautiful, peaceful city in the distance)
Tetsuo: I will save you guys. Puma…GAME ON! I’M COMING FOR YOU!!!!!

[50 Words for Paipis]

Read the first option. Will read the second option soon.

The first one still feels like a shonen series. It lacks the realism of a seinen series. For instance, the news report moves way quicker than normal news reports, and what would normally be referred to as a CEO in a formal setting is referred to as a "boss." Those little details are very important to the atmosphere of the story. I realize that writing something realistic is very difficult, and it takes a bit of adjustment and lots of research, but it is definitely worth it.

[hikari]

Read the first option. Will read the second option soon.

The first one still feels like a shonen series. It lacks the realism of a seinen series. For instance, the news report moves way quicker than normal news reports, and what would normally be referred to as a CEO in a formal setting is referred to as a "boss." Those little details are very important to the atmosphere of the story. I realize that writing something realistic is very difficult, and it takes a bit of adjustment and lots of research, but it is definitely worth it.

I didnt want Card Scan to be Seinen, but I wanted it to be a dark shonen, so itd have shonen elements but itd have a much darker storyline. As for the 2 points, I noticed about the length of the news report, I was thinking it could come on just before a show comes on, that just shows snippets of the news, it happens all the time where I am. As for the CEO thing, I didnt even notice, ill have to change that soon. Thanks for your help Paipis-san! ^^

[IronQuill]

ill check it out when the 5 options are up, probably easier to compare.

[hikari]

Here is Evil Hero

Spoiler

Chapter 1
(A woman is walking down a street, it is very late. A man sees her and follows her. She gets cautious and walks faster, but she is cut off by another man who is a friend of the first guy, they corner her and grapple her, making her unable to move her arms or legs, she cannot escape)
Man 1: (Grin) what’s a pretty girl like you doing out this late? You could’ve been kidnapped. That’s why we are here, we’re gonna protect you and make you feel good while we wait for sunrise
Man 2: Holy crap man! This is awesome! I never thought that I’d get to do this with such a hottie. Do me a favour and say “Aaah” for me, I’ve got a surprise for ya! (Evil laugh)
Unknown: What are you? A dentist?!
(The men, out of surprise, jump backwards and start looking around)
Man 1: Where are you, coward?! Come out so I can remodel your face!
(A shadowed figure appears behind Man 1)
Unknown: Two guys against one girl… and I’m the coward
(Man 1 turns around but the figure disappears)
Man 2: Hey! Where is he?!
Man 1: What are you asking me for?! I can’t see *censored* either!
Unknown: Peekabo!
(Man 1 looks down, the figure is there. The figure uppercuts the man then disappears again)
Man 2: DAMN IT!? WHERE THE *censored* ARE YOU?!
(The man blinks, when his eyes re-open, the figure is right in front of him)
Unknown: You need your eyes tested? Because you didn’t see anything… (Murderous tone) Right?
(The man is filled with fear… he runs away. The figure unties the girl and walks a little away. The girl gets up)
Girl: WAIT!!!
(The figure stops)
Girl: Don’t I get to thank you?
Figure: Sorry ma’am, but I don’t do this for that. I save people because…
(The figure turns, he is wearing a mask but the girl instantly recognises him, he is the local hero… Kuroda)
Kuroda: It’s my duty (Smile)
(Kuroda disappears. The girl is in awe, she is able to get back home safely, but just to be safe, Kuroda watches her until she gets to her house from above)
Kuroda: I wonder if that line works well with the ladies… it’s the first time I’ve ever said it before. Maybe I should have seen if she would offer me a kiss for the trouble… wait, what the hell am I thinking, she was almost raped I doubt she wants to do something like that
(Camera goes into Kuroda’s brain. Kuroda has a split personality, his Kuro side and his Tenshi side… they act as an evil side and good side, the personalities are prone to arguments because they are polar opposites but they never have violent fights… well, no one is ever hurt. In fact the different sides are pretty good friends)
Kuro: Whaaat?? It’s not like we would’ve been asking her to jump in a bed with us… it’s only a kiss
Tenshi: Are you forgetting what that book said about girls? They are very delicate, so after such a traumatic experience she probably just wants to go home and sleep… poor girl, I don’t blame her
Kuro: Poor girl? Poor us!!! We have never even been in a long conversation with a girl our age, don’t you think it’s time to attempt to get a girlfriend?!
Tenshi: Whaddya mean attempt?! We’ve been trying for years, but ol’ “I just wanna be a normal student” up there, our success rate has hit rock bottom
Kuroda: (Chibi) WILL YOU GUYS SHUT UP!? It’s not like we don’t have a chance…
Kuro: We’re doomed
Kuroda: KORA!!!! (Hey!!!) >///<
Narrator (Kuroda’s thoughts): Hi! Well… as you probably gathered, I’m a superhero, I go by the name of Kuroda… it sounds cool and it also rhymes with my real name. When I was born, I found out that my father was an arch angel, and my mother was one of the 9 demon saints of hell, they loved each other very much, so much so that they sealed themselves into human forms and lived here on earth. They gave birth to me, but then they had to leave, demons and angels can’t be away from their real homes for too long otherwise they’ll be killed by their kin… and that’s what happened to ‘em. But, luckily for me, they left me a gift in their DNA that transferred to me… the powers of a demon over lord and a high priest of heavens golden gates. Ever since I was young, I’ve lived on my own, so teaching myself to control my powers was forgotten as learning to read, write and cook became my priorities. But for some reason, these two little guys appeared and helped me tame my power. They are Kuro of hells dawn and Tenshi of the life elixir. They’re cute aren’t they? (Smile) They are chibi forms of me so I just class them as younger brothers. I was never really alone with these guys being with me… and when I felt really depressed, they’d always make me feel better. They’re the reason I’m still alive to this day
Kuro: Hey… you do know that we are hearing all of this don’t you
Tenshi: Wow, how embarrassing
Narration: The only problem is that I never have any secrets (T-T)
(Time skip. Kuroda arrives at the local police station. He walks in with the two men from before)
Officer: K-Kuroda! (The officer is female)
Kuroda: That would be me (Smile). Can you lock these two up for me, they won’t need prosecuting, and a day in jail will probably be enough. I’ll fill in the report on them
Officer: B-but don’t you need their personal details?
Kuroda: Waaaaaay ahead of ya! (Kuroda has the licence of both men)
Officer: I see… but isn’t profiling them the job of the sergeant with the help of the witness?
Kuroda: I was a witness, and witness’ can fill in the gaps that a sergeant can’t on their own… so it’s perfectly fine for me to do it
Officer: Ah, I guess I need to read up on the rules of this city more
Kuroda: I wouldn’t worry about it, our law has changed to make it easier for me to get around and help people when they are in need… it’s a little strange but the crime rate has dropped drastically because of it
Officer: I’m not sure about that, the crime rate has dropped all thanks to you
Kuroda: (Blush) …
Lieutenant: having fun are we Kuroda?
(Kuroda notices the lieutenant)
Kuroda: Lieutenant… how are you sir?
Lieutenant: Better now that there are two less criminals on our streets… good job
Kuroda: Thank you, sir!
Lieutenant: Miss Hinamori, show Kuroda to his room
Officer (Hinamori): Yes sir! Come with me Mr Kuroda.
Kuroda: Sure, see you later Lieutenant
(Kuroda follows Hinamori. They are upstairs, they stop at a door)
Hinamori: Here we are
Kuro: Holy Hell!! There is a girl with us… why is this so exhilarating!?
Tenshi: Just because she can’t hear us doesn’t mean you have to shout
Kuro: But, this situation is soooooooo…
Tenshi: exhilarating?
Kuro: That too
Tenshi: (Facepalm) Idiot
Hinamori: Is there any way I can be of service?
Tenshi & Kuro: TOO HOT!!!!!
Kuroda: ummm… well it’s my first time in a place like this, I normally sleep on the roof, so I don’t know where everything is, could you help me?
Hinamori: s-sure
(Kuroda opens the door, the room is huge, it has 4 rooms that are all the size of a huge hotel room… the kitchen, bathroom, bedroom and living room)
Kuroda: Wow! This room is awesome!!!
Hinamori: This room would normally cost £500,000 per night, but because of your service to the city, it’s free of charge. The first room is the living room, you have a computer, Italian furniture, a tv, radio and a wooden table carved by one of the greatest designers in the world. The bathroom is made of marble, the bath holds 3 people. The bedroom is simple, all that is in there is the king size bed, but you don’t have to worry, you’ll definitely be able to sleep in there
Kuro: With you here we don’t exactly want to sleep
(Everyone hears this)
Hinamori: ….
Kuroda: KURO, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?! Sorry, Hinamori…
Hinamori: who is Kuro? (still blushing)
Kuroda: …well, I do owe you at least that for your troubles. There are two other voices in my mind, they are Kuro and Tenshi. They are my darkness and my kindness
Hinamori: Really?! What do they look like?? Can I see them?!
Kuroda: Sorry, but no one other than me is able to see them. But you can probably imagine what they look like… imagine me
Hinamori: Ok…
Kuroda: In chibi form!
Hinamori: …
Kuroda: Kuro wears a red suit, he has black hair. Tenshi has a white suit and has blue hair… they are the exact opposite but I see them as my brothers
Hinamori: Chibi?
Kuroda: Yeah…
Hinamori: …Kawaii (Blush)
-SILENCE-
Kuro: EHHH?!
Tenshi: …I’m, in love…
Kuroda: (Laugh)
(Time skip. Hinamori has told Kuroda where everything, they have even talked about more personal matters… it went on for a good 2 hours)
Hinamori: This was fun, I never imagined that I’d get to be friends with the famous Kuroda… you wanna do this again?
Kuroda: Sure!
Hinamori: Good! I look forward to it, I gotta go, I bet my roommate is worried about me
-SILENCE-
Kuro: (Hinamori can’t hear them) We can’t just leave it like that can we?
Tenshi: Like what?
Kuro: Well, friend zoned (called a friend when you want to be more)
Tenshi: Relax, he ain’t experienced with girls, he doesn’t know how to talk to them. But right now, he is determined
(Kuroda grabs Hinamori’s sleeve)
Hinamori: Kuroda? Is there something wrong?
Kuroda: Want to know who I really am?
Hinamori: …eh?
Kuroda: Well? What do you say?
Hinamori: Why would you let me see who you are?
Kuroda: Because… I want to be more than friends
Hinamori: w-WHA???!!!! (Chibi blush)
Kuroda: After just talking to you for 2 hours… I’ve been captured, I’ve never felt like this before. If I’m with you then I feel like I don’t need this mask to feel so powerful
Hinamori: Wait… will I even know who you are without your mask?
-SILENCE-
Kuroda: Good point
Kuro: Wow, that’s our scholar for ya
Kuroda: Then I guess I’ll just have to tell you my name as well
Tenshi: are you sure this is a good idea?
Kuroda: Do you guys trust me enough?
Kuro: …I guess we do… but remember the last time this happens, if this turns out like then, don’t say we didn’t warn you
Kuroda: (To Hinamori) It’s really sudden, I know… but I’ve never felt this way before, and it seems weird to say that these 2 hours have been enough for me to like you this way, but they really have… so stay with me! (Takes off his mask)

[legomaestro]

You should format your stories properly in order for them to be read.

http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php/topic,8672