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Author Topic: "Charmed" Finished Chapters  (Read 831 times)

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Offline Emocookie41

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"Charmed" Finished Chapters
« on: September 19, 2013, 06:02:44 AM »
Setting: Charmed is set in a fictional city that doesn't seem to have a name as of the moment.

Plot: Catherine is a young demon who has been sent into the mortal realm in order to forge contracts with humans and become a full fledged demon. Her Great Great Great Great Grandmother was a famous demon who ended the first and last Great War. She also created Charms, little figures that contained the powers of each demon and their humans.

Now Centuries later evil Demons have come up with a new plan to amass power. Take all the humans that seem fit as Charms and kill all the ones they don't want. During her quest to collect Charms Catherine must fight against the evil ones in an attempt to not only save the lives of humans and demons everywhere but to keep the world from collapsing into a second Great War.

Characters:

Most of the characters aren't clearly defined yet. I'll update this section when they are clearly set.

Catherine Languish: A young demon who just turned 16. Shy and timid she has always led a fairly sheltered life for a demon. She has discovered that she has a fear of speaking with humans and has a tendency to get lost in thought. With very little confidence in her abilities, she really has no wish to acquire more power. She has waist length dark green hair, red eyes (blue contacts for around humans), and is very lolita like.

Paul Languish: The father of Catherine he is very protective of his daughter and dotes on her constantly. To him she will always be his little girl and he doesn't wish for her to grow up. Though he seems carefree he is a very powerful demon. His hair is the standard Languish dark green, with bangs that fall over his red eyes. He dresses like a gentleman, a dark, demonic, gentleman.

Theresa Languish: The mother of Catherine she is disapproving of both her daughter and her husband. She is always dressed elegantly and doesn't stand for any waste of time or energy. She believes that her daughter must always bring respect to the Languish name.

Notes: This is my first manga story/script so I look forward to all the advice. Please do not be shy to leave me a critique good or bad. I wish to improve myself as much as possible. If you don't wish to post critiques on here please feel free to message me.

Edit: Here is the link to the discussion thread. Thanks Lorenx for the tip, didn't realized how cluttered it might get.
http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php/topic,8555.0.html
« Last Edit: September 19, 2013, 05:02:05 PM by emocookie41 »

Offline Emocookie41

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Re: "Charmed" Finished Chapters
« Reply #1 on: September 19, 2013, 06:04:11 AM »
"Charmed" Prologue

Spoiler
Scene:
Images of dark shadows.

Narrator: Since the beginning of time there have always been magical beings of great power. They ruled in the shadows, preferring the company of themselves to that of mortals.

-Show images of beautiful people with demonic shadows-

Narrator: Demons…  Beautiful creatures gifted with great power. Being devious creatures they wreaked havoc across the mortal realm for many years.

-Images of burning buildings, dying people-

Narrator: Though they cast fear into the hearts of mortals there were many who felt drawn to the power of these creatures and many more who fell in love with their beauty. These mortals offered up themselves, to work as slaves, to any demon that would take them.

-Images humans with shackles and greedy eyes-

Narrator: Promised power, wealth, love… Pawns were born. It was soon learned that a demon that took a human under their care would eventually grow stronger beyond comprehension.

-Images human and demon making pact-

Narrator: Mixing blood and soul created an unbreakable bond between the Master and their slaves. And the more slaves the Master had the more Power they were given and the more power that they craved…

-Images of war and chaos-

Narrator: Many demons used their newfound power to wage wars against other demonic houses. They upset the balance of power that had held the realms intact for so many millennia. For many centuries the demon world and the mortal realm were tossed into a chaotic red sea of war until finally one demon and her pawn sought to end it…

-Images of Catherine the first and her pawn Castiel sealing all the pawns into charms-

Narrator: Her name was Catherine Languish and with her pawn, Castiel, she sealed the powers of the contract into a silver bracelet. This bracelet held inside it the power to contract with humans and for every contract a charm was made to hold in check the powers.

-Images of charms, bracelet, and peace-

Narrator: And so… The wars ended and the power was contained. From then on every demon was only allowed to keep a small amount of “Charms”. Once a demon has reached her day of coming into their powers they are sent out into the mortal realm to find their “Charms” and to eventually become recognized as a fully-fledged demon… Worthy of their house…

Offline Emocookie41

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Re: "Charmed" Finished Chapters
« Reply #2 on: September 19, 2013, 06:05:19 AM »
"Charmed" Chapter one Part one

Spoiler
Chapter One
Part One

Scene:
A young and innocent bedroom. Catherine is lying asleep curled up around a pillow wearing her nightgown. Blankets are wrapped around her ankles.

-The maidservant yanks open the curtains and light floods in. Catherine moans and starts to blink-

Servant: Ms. Languish please wake up! Today of all days you shouldn’t sleep in!

-Catherine buries her face in the pillow and hides under her blanket. The servant comes over and yanks the blankets off of her and topples Catherine to the floor with it-

Catherine: Ow!

–rubbing head and looks around shocked-

Servant: Oh look at you! Not dressed, your hair a mess! We hardly have any time! And today of all days!

-Catherine looks at the clock-

Catherine: Oh my gosh! Why didn’t you wake me earlier!!

–Panics about and starts to get dressed in a hurry. Runs around trying to brush teeth and hair at same time, servant straightening her clothes-

Servant: I did! And every time you said you would be up in a few minutes!

-With toothbrush in mouth-

Catherine: And you believed me!! (Awnd oou buhleeved Mi!)

-Show Catherine getting calmed down, servant exasperated, getting dressed neatly-

Catherine Narration: My name is Catherine Languish. I am a demon of the Languish House and am never allowed to forget it.

My Great Great Great Grandmother was the demon that ended the Great War and also the reason why everyone is in such a fuss today.

You see… Today is my 16th birthday… The most important day in a young demons life… The day she leaves home and comes into her Demonic Power.

I know I should be excited as all other demons are but… I’ve never been away from home… And I don’t really want to gain more power… but now I am being sent away, expected to bring pride and respect for the name Languish.

Scene:
Fancy living room. Catherine’s Mother is sipping her tea with a bored Male Pawn waiting behind her. Catherine’s father is pacing around nervously with a Female Pawn watching him with an amused look on her face. They both look over at Catherine as she enters the room.

-Mr. Languish rushing over to his daughter-

Mr. Languish: Catherine! There you are honey! Look at you all grown up!

-Catherine blushes. Mrs. Languish puts down her tea glass with a noticeable clink-

Mrs. Languish: -Looking Scary- Paul, stop that right now. Today she stops being your precious child and starts becoming an adult.

-Catherine looks down at the floor. Good mood gone as her parents begin to argue-

Catherine Narration: My parents have always been fighting. I don’t think that I can remember a single time where they looked happy together. I thought that maybe today… They would get along…

Sometimes I wonder… How did too people who hate each other so much find enough tolerance to make a child?

Catherine: I’m sorry Mother.

-Mother glares at Catherine-

Mrs. Languish: Don’t apologize; your father is the one who is acting like an idiot.

-Mr. Languish glares at his wife-

Mr. Languish: Today she leaves this house and starts on a journey. Who knows when the next time I see her will be!

-The Female Pawn of Mr. Languishes clears her throat and steps forward-

Languish Pawn Female: Mr. Languish, why don’t you and your daughter sit down and I’ll explain what will be happening.

-Mr. Languish sighs and relaxes, tossing a smile to the Pawn-

Mr. Languish: Of course.

-Catherine sighs in relief and sits between her mother and father. Mother obviously uncomfortable-

Languish Pawn Female: First let me say “Happy Birthday Catherine”

–Catherine nods and smiles a little –

Languish Pawn Female: As you know today you will be sent into the world of the mortals. It has been arranged for you to attend a human school in order for you to have access to the greatest variety of possible “charms”.

-Holds up a small bracelet and hands it over to Catherine. She looks at it shimmering in the light before putting it on-

Catherine: It’s so pretty…

-The Pawn smiles-

Languish Pawn Female: While at the human school you will be posing as one of them. In the olden days this was quite difficult to do but now a days with all that human technology it has become much easier to hide your more… demonic features.

-Maid hands Catherine a bag. Catherine looks inside it curiously –

Languish Pawn Female: This bag contains everything that you need to pass as a human. Contacts, blue, to hide your red eyes, a cell phone to be used to communicate with any humans, some money to see to your expenses, the school uniform that you will be wearing, some trendy human clothes, and of course, an encyclopedia on human behavior.

-As every item is listed it is shown in a pile on her lap. Catherine looks overwhelmed-

Languish Pawn Female: That last item is by far the most important. When a human looks at it all they will see is a normal boring encyclopedia, but when a Demon uses it they will be able to see the true contents.

-Catherine Nods and flips through it curiously. There are images of human physiology, instructions on how often to breathe and blink. Mrs. Languish clears her throat-

Mrs. Languish: Now that you have everything you need it is time for you to be on your way.

-Mrs. Languish stands up primly and Catherine stumbles up out of her spot, blushing. Mr. Languish gets up quickly and glares at Mrs. Languish-

Mr. Languish: Theresa! It is her birthday! Shouldn’t we allow her to stay and celebrate with family before tossing her into that filthy mortal realm?!

-Mrs. Languish hands on hip-

Mrs. Languish: Today she is an adult Demon, Paul! How is she supposed to grow into a respectable Demon of the Languish clan when you keep coddling her like this!

-Catherine looks between the two, obviously agitated. Mr. Languishes Pawn looks amused while Mrs. Languishes pawn looks bored-

Catherine: Papa… It’s okay… It is better that I get going now and not waste any time. I am sure that there is a lot that I will have to see today…

-Mr. Languish sighs in defeat and gives her a hug-

Mr. Languish: I know honey… I just don’t want to lose my precious little demon…

-Catherine smiles and hugs him back-

Catherine: You’re not losing me. I’ll call every night and let you know how I am doing!

-Mrs. Languish is impatiently tapping her feet. The maid servant gathers up the items and puts them back into the bag before handing them to Catherine who has let go of her father-

Maid Servant: It is time that we get going, Miss. The sooner the better. We have quite a lot to do today.

-Catherine nods and gives a polite goodbye to her family. Father looking teary eyed, mother looking impatient. The maid then has them leave via teleportation (glowy light).

Offline Emocookie41

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Re: "Charmed" Finished Chapters
« Reply #3 on: September 19, 2013, 06:06:19 AM »
"Charmed" Chapter one Part Two

Spoiler
Chapter One
Part Two

Scene:
Catherine and the servant are standing in front of the gates to the school. The school is large and old with many windows, a huge fancy driveway, and two large wooden doublewide doors. On either side of the main building you can see a smaller mansion looking building, the boys and girls dorms. The main gates into the school are black and gothic, with spikes at the top.

-Catherine looks up at the gates in awe as the maid servant moves forward to open them-

Servant: Let us go Miss Languish. There is a lot that we will be discussing today and we are already late.

-Catherine snaps out of her dazed look-

Catherine: Of- of course!

-Catherine blushes and hurriedly follows. The maid servant takes her into the main building first and shows her around. Catherine is barely listening as she is escorted around the empty building, looking in awe at the lockers, empty class rooms. Bathrooms, cafeteria, gym, and the stairs to the roof. The tour continues back outside in front of the Boys Dormitory-

-On the way to the Boys Dormitory, Catherine not looking in front of her as she turns a corner runs into Jon-

Catherine: Ah!

-She lands on her butt and stares incredously at the boy staring down at her, just as surprised as she-

Catherine Thoughts: A human!

-Jon comes out of his shock-

Jon: Oh! I am so sorry! Here let me help you!

-He hurriedly helps pick up the contents of her spilled bag. Catherine snatches it back and hurriedly gets to her feet-
-Straightening her clothes and looking embarrassed-

Catherine: It-t’s okay! I’m fine!

Jon: Are you sure? Why don’t you let me-

-Catherine doesn’t stay around to listen to the rest of his sentence. She drags her servant with her in the direction of the girls dorms and slams the door behind her as she enters the building. She left Jon behind looking confused “What a strange girl”-

Scene:
A nice entry to a building with a few paintings on the wall. Catherine panting from the run and blushing. Servant looking angry.

Servant: Miss Languish! You’ll never get a Charm if you treat all humans you meet like that!

Catherine: I- I’m so sorry! It was just so sudden! And he saw me! I’m not even wearing the contacts!

-Ruffles through the bags until she finds the contacts. The servant sighs and shakes her head-

Servant: You can put those on in your room. I suppose it was natural for you to react like that… but next time something like this happens remember: Don’t make a scene! It leaves a bad first impression.

-The servant heads down a hall and Catherine follows, apologizing again. They enter her dorm room. It contains a small bed, desk, computer, window, closet, and fully stocked book case-

Servant: This is your bedroom.

-She waves her hand as to show the room and Catherine moves over to the bed and puts down the bag-

Servant: Before I go there is one last thing that I need to show you.

-She points to the computer and it flickers onto an e-mail page, Catherine looks at it with curiosity-

Catherine: What is that?

Servant: This is what is known as Demon Mail. Once you have acquired a Charm this is where you will find jobs for you and your pawn to perform.

-Catherine nods with understanding-

Catherine’s Thoughts: I remember. Papa told me that I would have to do jobs for other higher-powered demons in order to gain more respect and to make myself stronger…

Servant: This is also how you can get into contact with your family and myself if you are ever in trouble. All important contacts have already been registered with your account. Do you understand how this works Miss Languish?

Catherine: I think I do…

Servant: Good. Now that everything is done I suggest you take some time to familiarize yourself with your schedule and your items. Goodbye Miss Languish and good luck.

-The servant disappears with the same light as before. Catherine looks around at her surroundings, examining all the different items and begins to unpack-

Catherine Narration: My 16th birthday and I am in an unfamiliar room all by myself.

Even though I am here I still find it hard to believe that I really am on my own…

I keep expecting Papa to show up with that big goofy smile of his and shout “SURPRISE!” and take me home telling me that he would never allow his sweet little girl to go out on her own…

Who cares about Power and respect? He would say…

-Finishes unpacking and lays down on her bed-

Catherine Narration: What am I thinking? I’m a demon… I should care… I should really care…

-It had gotten dark outside and Catherine rolls over onto her side and yawns, closing her eyes-

Catherine: Goodnight Papa… -Whispered and falls asleep-

Offline Emocookie41

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Re: "Charmed" Finished Chapters
« Reply #4 on: September 19, 2013, 06:07:15 AM »
"Charmed" Chapter two Part one

Spoiler
Chapter Two
Part One

Scene:
Catherine stands in front of a classroom politely while an older teacher introduces her. In the back of the class, sleeping is Xander while near the window is Jon. Most of the class is mumbling too each other about her green hair while Jon is staring at her surprised.

Classmate 1: -whispering- Look at her hair! Do you think she dyed it?

Classmate 2: -whispering- Of course! No way is that natural!

Classmate 3: -whispering- That’s weird! Only weird people would dye their hair something like that!

Catherine blushes and shifts around uncomfortably but locks eyes with Jon before looking down in embarrassment.

Catherine Thoughts: It’s the boy from yesterday! I wonder if he remembers… Of course he remembers! I acted so weird.

-The teacher coughs and Catherine is shaken out of her thoughts. Startled she realizes none of the students are talking and everyone is looking at her expectantly. She realizes the teacher had asked her to introduce herself and she hadn’t noticed-

Catherine: Oh! I-I’m sorry!  My name is Catherine Languish! I am pleased to meet you!

-Blushing she does a polite bow to the class and the teacher sighs-

Teacher: Miss Languish please take your seat. And also, do try to pay some attention.

-Catherine blushes furiously as a few students laugh and she makes her way to the empty seat in the middle of the classroom. Taking out her textbook, she tries to pay attention to the class but her thoughts keep wondering-

Catherine Narration: What am I doing here? I know that I should be looking for possible Charms but… Everybody already thinks I’m so weird…

-Catherine fiddles with her bracelet nervously for the rest of the class-

Scene:
Time has passed and the bell has rung for lunch. Catherine stares down at the food she had bought earlier that morning. She doesn’t feel very hungry. Jon comes up behind her.

Jon: Um. Hi!

-Catherine jumps, startled that someone has spoken to her. She blushes and looks down-

Catherine: H-hi!

Jon: I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to scare you. I just never got a chance to introduce myself yesterday. Mind if I eat lunch with you?

Catherine: Oh um sure. –Surprised-

-Jon scoots a desk over close to her and sits down opening up his lunch-

Jon: My name is Jon. It is nice to meet you.

-Jon smiles warmly at Catherine-

Catherine: I’m Catherine!

-Jon laughs a little-

Jon: I know. You introduced yourself at the start of the class.

-Catherine blushes-

Catherine Thoughts: I can’t believe I just said that!

Jon: You know you don’t need to be so shy. I’m not going to make fun of you or anything.

Catherine: I-I’m sorry. I’m just not used to talking to Hu- People!

Catherine Thoughts: Oh no! I almost said humans!

-Jon looks at her curiously-

Jon: Were you homeschooled or something?

Catherine: I’m sorry but … I don’t think that I am feeling well.

-Catherine stands up quickly, grabs her bag, and runs out the door leaving her lunch on the table. A few students and Jon look surprised at where she ran out-

Jon: She has a habit of doing that doesn’t see?

-He leans back in the chair and stairs at the ceiling with a sigh-

Jon Thoughts: Is it something wrong with me?

Scene:
Catherine is on the rooftop with the door behind her wide open. She is bent over panting after having ran all the way there. Xander is on the top of the entrance behind her. She doesn’t notice his presence but he notices her.

Catherine: Why did I run away again? He was just being friendly…

-Flashback to him picking up her stuff the day before and smiling at her today. Catherine straightens up and walks over to the fence near the edge of the rooftop. She leans over it and stares down. Xander is watching her from his spot, wondering what she is doing up here-

Catherine Narration: Maybe it is a good thing that I can’t make any friends… Maybe if I just don’t find a Charm in a month or so Papa will let me come back?

Mother would be mad… I can see what she would say.

-Image of Mrs. Languish scolding Catherine-

Mrs. Languish: A disgrace! A complete and utter disgrace! Never in all the centuries since before your Great Great Great Great Grandmother Catherine the first has a languish brought such shame into their house!

Catherine Narration: I doubt she’d be happy with me even if I managed to get the max amount of charms… She would probably just ridicule my choice of Charms…

But Papa… Papa would be happy wouldn’t he?

-Image of Mr. Languish hugging Catherine-

Mr. Languish: Oh honey you know I never wanted you to leave! If only you had told me that you wanted to stay! You can stay as long as you want. Charm or no Charm you will forever be my little girl!

Catherine Narration: -Sighs- No… No I am sure he would be disappointed in me as well… Just why didn’t he tell me it would be so hard… Why can’t I just go home!

-Catherine leans hard into the fence in anger and it gives way. For a moment she is falling forward but then Xander wraps his arms around her from behind and pulls her back. Her heart beating quickly she looks up and sees Xander for the first time. He looks down at her and smiles-

Xander: Careful Broccoli head. It’s dangerous up here…

-Xander lets her go and she turns and looks at him flustered. She bows-

Catherine: Thank you! Thank you very much!

-The bell rings as Xander walks away with his hands in his pockets. He doesn’t reply to her and just gives a lazy backhanded wave before disappearing through the stairwell. Catherine stares after him bewildered. Before realizing that the bell has rung for class to start-

Catherine: Oh no! I’m going to be late to class! I’m never going to pass as a human like this!

-She rushes off to class-

Offline Lumaria

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Re: "Charmed" Finished Chapters
« Reply #5 on: September 19, 2013, 02:15:35 PM »
This is interesting. I really feel that the prologue could be shorter or be merged with chapter 1. I will read more and let you know what I think. (Or if you prefer, make a charmed discussion thread so that it won't clutter your chapters)
Stop playing victim....you know what you did.