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Author Topic: Ghosts of the past (Manga Script)  (Read 1899 times)

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Offline Crazycone

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Ghosts of the past (Manga Script)
« on: September 11, 2013, 10:50:44 PM »
Name: Undecided (Some names I like are: Ghosts of the past, Souls of reckoning, Ghosts of reckoning, The spirits inside of us, Steam Angels, Leapers: {insert name2 here}, Storm of memories.) Please reply with any name suggestions! :D

In a post-apocalyptic future, all cities and nations have been wiped out by the 4th Great War, and the sudden explosion which was named “The Great Flash”. Only a few history books remain, yet, each of the three remaining nations have different opinions of what really happened during the war. Rio Black, after carelessly getting involved in the investigation on the Flash, finds out that death and ruins wasn’t the only thing left behind by the explosion. Now he must embark in a journey to find the truth behind the Great Flash, and stop the three nations from wiping out what remains of humanity.

Tags and themes:  Steam-punk
  • Action
  • Adventure
  • Drama
  • Sci-fi (Mixed with fantasy)
  • Shounen
  • Military

Setting: A post-apocalyptic world, where radioactivity has mutated many life-forms.

*Classroom scene. Camera behind teacher*

Teacher 1: Rio, would you please read the third sentence in page 302?

*Stands up as he begins*

Rio: From the moment an individual gains the gift of memories, and the capability to make choices, a great responsibility lies in their hands. Through darkness and light, a single choice and action can change the course of history, our present, and affect the future as a whole.

*Students begin to speak loudly, the teacher is barely heard*

Teacher1: Silence!
*Students keep talking. A few remain silent.*
*Close-up of Rio sighing and sitting in his chair. An expression of tiredness can be seen.*
*Bell rings. Rio, along with the rest of the classmates, leaves the room.*


Student1: Hey are you up for some games tonight?

Rio: Not today Milo, I’m not in the mood.

*Milo smirks in sight of the comment*

Milo: Well, that’s new, coming from you…

*Single scene of Rio walking to his house. The city is partially in ruins, a lot of smoke and pollution can be seen. He walks along a path, where the whole city can be seen, along with multiple factories, and a sky-ship station.*

Rio: I’m home!

*Camera behind Rio. Top of the door. The bag-pack can be seen resting on the floor next to him. Dark lightening.*

Rio: Right, there’s no one here… there hasn’t been anyone for the past six years…

*Rio lays on the wall, on the same corridor. He lets himself fall into a sitting position on the floor, while holding a computer-like object.*
Rio (thinking to himself): Every day is the same… I’m not even sure I can call this place home anymore, not without Dane here.
*Scenery shifts to night. Rio leaves the house for a walk. *
**Background change: Rio makes his way to a mountain path that leads to a barren valley; there is a chicken-wire fence with a sign that states “Not trespassing!”**
*A loud sound is heard followed by a cry of pain, Rio rushes inside to see what happened, and finds a crashed motorcycle-like vehicle, a sword laying on the ground, and a badly-hurt male1.*
*Another motorcycle can be seen at the distance, it stops next to the one that crashed. Male2 is wielding a big sword. *

*Male2 approaches Male1 with the intention to kill him, sword in hand*
*Rio runs towards Male1, to help him to his feet.*


Rio: Stop! (Second bubble *Rio thinks to himself* “What am I doing… I’m not a hero.”) {<--Maybe a close-up of his face, with dark lightening, would be better?}

Male2: *yells in an unknown language*

*An expression of fright can be seen in Rio’s face*

Rio: I don’t know what you’re saying!

*Male1 suddenly grabs Rio’s hand, and quickly stands up, pulling Rio downwards.*

Male1: Quickly, take this someplace safe! *Hands Rio a glowing vial.* Run!

*An expression, hybrid between fright and confusion can be seen in Rio’s face as he backs away.*
*Male2 yells in a strange language one more time as he charges towards Male1*
*Without looking back, Rio runs towards the village. The sound of clashing metals is heard.*


Rio (thinking to himself): What is this? Who are those guys?! {Maybe take the dialogue away from this scene.}

**Background change: Slope road that leads to the village, mountain at one side, cliff with city-light scenery on the other.**

*Rio trips, and falls on top of the vial. An expression of fright can be seen in his face*

Rio: The vial!?

*Stands up. His shirt is now wet with the glowing liquid that was once inside the vial. He has a few cuts in his hands. The liquid is half-frozen and cold*

Rio (thinking to himself): I gotta get out of here!

*Runs towards his house. Leaves the broken glass and spilled liquid behind.*

**Next day**


*Rio wakes up. Camera on roof, looking down towards the bed, where Rio is waking up.*

Rio (thinking to himself): What a strange dream…

**Background change: Walking towards school. Scenic, cliff-side road.**

**Background change: In front of school. Milo bumps into Rio**

Milo: Good morning sunshine!

*Rio ignores him… he seems phased out*

Milo: Rio?
Rio (still looking sleepy): Oh its you..

Milo: Who else would it be, I am the only person that talks to you other than Mia.

*They walk inside. Front door.*

*Sitting in the classroom*

Milo: Are you ok? You look like you had a bad case of nightmares...

Rio: Yeah… I had a pre- *doesn´t finish sentence*

**Close-up of half of his face. He looks outside of the window, Male2 is standing outside, staring at him.**

*Rio looks at his hands, the cuts from the night before can be seen.*

Rio (looking frightened and in a rush): Listen. Yesterday I went on a walk to Alagan Valley. I know that we aren´t supposed to go there, but I heard a noise and suddenly these men – (doesn’t finish the sentence.)

*Male2 isn’t outside anymore*

Milo: You did what?! You know its extremely forbidden to-

Rio: I know but some guy was hurt, and he gave me a vial. Then this other guy showed up with a huge sword, so I ran.

*Milo has a look of confusion*

Rio: I fell down and the vial broke! (Next bubble “Now he’s outside!”)

Milo: Rio, you don’t make sense. There’s no one out there.

Rio: I saw him through the-

*The window breaks, and Male2 jumps in wielding a big sword.*

Male2: *yells in a strange language as he pushes one of the kids aside*

Rio (Surprised, as well as scared.): Look man, I broke the vial. (Next bubble “I’m sorry!”

*Male2 points the sword towards Rio.*
Male2 (angry): Leaper!

*Milo steps away*

Milo: Rio?!

**Scene change: Rio tries to escape by running down the stairs, but a big crowd is coming up, blocking the way.**

*Rio turns around, and runs up the opposite stairs, which lead to the roof*

**Scene change: School roof. Rio is trapped in the school’s roof.**

*Male2 rushes out.*

Male2: *Yells something in an unknown language*

Rio (frightened): I don’t understand, why does this happened to me?! I should have left!

*Male2 charges towards Rio and grabs his hand. *
*Male2 thrusts the sword into the ground as he says something in an unknown language*
*Rio pulls his arm away with all his might, and makes a run for it*
*Rio jumps off of the roof, trying to make it to the next building.*


**Scene change: Rio falling down.  He isn’t that far away from the next building**

Rio: Is this how it ends? My life… I wish I could have said goodbye... I'm sorry Mia, Milo...

*He makes a last stretch towards the edge, but doesn’t reach.*
*Rio’s body disappears (replaced by little dots) and reappears closer to the edge of the next building, he grabs on to it.*
*Rio (with a look of astonishment) looks back at Male2, who is raging, and has a look of confusion.*
*Milo appears on the roof of the building, and offers his hand to Rio*


Milo: Hurry!

*Rio grabs on to him, and climbs up*

Rio: Run!

*Male2 jumps, and barely reaches the roof of the second building. *
*They go down the stairs, bumping into an old man*
Old Man1: Hey, watch it!
*Background change: Alley. Both, Rio and Milo hide behind a square trashcan*
*Male2 keeps walking, and doesn’t notice them. A couple of tears can be seen coming from Rio´s right eye.*

**Camera: Half of Rio´s face, enough for the tear to be seen, and his hand covering his mouth to prevent sounds from coming out, and to see the man walk right past them.**

*Both kids stand up, and run towards the road, which is surrounded by a small Kiosk market on either side. A lot of people are walking around.*
Rio: He wants to kill me, I know it!

Milo: Lets go to the sky-port. Mia should be arriving soon, plus it should it packed with guards.

*Still walking through the market. Long distance camera: the sky-port can be seen in the distance.*

Rio: He called me a leaper… any idea what it is?

Milo: No, but I don’t think it is a good thing.

*They arrive at the entrance of the sky-port. Some guards check them, making sure they aren´t hiding any weapons.*
*They go through an elevator that takes them to the top floor*


Milo: You look that way, I’ll look this way.

*From Rio’s side, a young girl with red hair is struggling with her bags*

Rio: Found her…

Mia: Rio, Milo! (next bubble “Give me a hand with the bags!”)

*Milo throws a bag over his shoulder, so does Rio. Mia is left with a small purse.*

Mia (gliggling): Ain’t I lucky to have such manly men to help me out?

Milo: How was the trip?

Rio: The trip? A psycho is following me around, and you ask about her trip?!

Mia: What are you talking about?

Rio: Some guy is following around, with a huge sword. (next bubble: I almost died)

Mia: Wait, start from the beginning.

*Rio tells the story of how he broke the vial*

Mia: My dad works at the lab, maybe he can tell us about the liquid.

*They leave the sky-port, and make their way to the laboratory.*

*As they walk through the market* Rio: Wait, I’ll go get the shirt, maybe it hasn’t dried up.

*Scene of Rio looking for the shirt in his dirty room*

*Rio runs out, to meet with the others at the market. Male2 can be seen in the background, stalking them.*

Rio: Alright lets go.

*They arrive at the lab*

*Mia knocks on a door that leads to the main room.*

Mia: Dad?

*A door opens, and a man wearing a lab-gown comes out. He rushes to hug his daughter.*

Scientist1: Mia so nice to see you!

Mia: I was only away for one week!

Rio: Hi Mr. Hamilton!

Milo: Hi Mr. Hamilton, how’s the research going?

Mr.H: It’s going great, tha-

Mia: Dad we came because there’s something we want you to check out.

*Rio extends his hand, holding the shirt where the liquid spilled.*

Rio: I got handed a vial containing this strange liquid yesterday.

*Mr.H eyes open wide as he examines it*

Mr.H: Who gave you the vial?!

Rio (with a look of confusion, obviously lying.): Some strange man just randomly gave it to me.

Mr.H: Follow me, let’s go somewhere more private.

*They leave the corridor, and walks towards another room. Mr.Hamilton’s office. He locks the door.*

Mr.H: I know you’re lying Rio Black. (next bubble “No one could have given you this –randomly-.”)

Rio’s eyes open wide, knowing he had been discovered.

Mr.H: This is residue from the Great Flash, twenty-three years ago.

*Scenes from the explosion are showing.*

Mr.H: There wasn’t only one flash, there were multiple. Washington, Kyoto, Berlin, Ottawa, those were the place affected by the flash. It had a radius of one-thousand meters.

*Scene of the radius of the explosion above a city.*

Mr.H: The people that were in the center of the electromagnetic explosion were killed, and the ones that survived got affected by the radiation…

*Close-up of Mr.Hamilton’s face.*

Mr.H: Not even schools are allowed to teach this, so keep this in extreme secrecy!

*Scene of woman being held in labs, and several scientists performing tests on them.*

Mr.H: Some of the people that survived, mostly women, were affected by the radiation.

Mr.H: Mutations didn’t appear until it was too late to stop them, ethics didn’t permit us to do it…

*Scene of a baby in the womb, and another being born.*

Mr.H: The next generation of children, the sons and daughters of those women that survived the explosion… those were the ones that actually mutated.

*Scene of Mr.H along with the others.*

Mr.H: The law of particle travel states that a single particle can travel faster than a set.

Mr.H: The electromagnetic explosion severed the bond between particles, which is the reason of why the victims in the center didn’t survive.

Mr.H: Those who were far enough, produced an offspring that could control this particle mutation.

*Scene of some children, in the military, saluting their superior.*

Mr.H: Some are still being held in labs; others are used by the military of any of the three nations, others are lucky enough to live disguised as normal people.

*Rio’s eyes open wide as he Mr.Hamilton says the next sentence.*

Rio: Particle travel or leaping, that is how the mutation is called.

*A few screams are heard outside the room*

Mr.H (sighs):   What now…

*Close up of Mr.H’s face:  an expression of fright and confusion, as if he had seen death itself.*

*As he opens the door, he reveals a massacre. Bodies of multiple scientists are laying on the floor, dead. Blood is spilled as puddles across the floor, and a single shadow of a tall man holding a sword can be seen on the wall.*

END OF CHAPTER 1

If you have any comments, or suggestions, please reply! This is my first time writing a script, or a manga, so all help is welcomed with open arms!

Thanks for reading :) I'm sorry if its long, or bad, this is my first time ever writing a script... :S

PS: If it is good, I hope no one steals it... CUZ I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN!

I HOPE YOU ENJOY! (I will post the story-boards soon!)
« Last Edit: September 12, 2013, 09:16:57 PM by Crazycone »
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Offline midsummer_feast

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Re: Ghosts of the past (Manga Script)
« Reply #1 on: September 11, 2013, 11:41:14 PM »
this sounds intressting =^,^=

good writing  :biggrin:

and i lookes forward to the next chapter....






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I am a somebody, that ain´t nobody. In different from everybody... anybody?..
my work:
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Offline LazyDude

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Re: Ghosts of the past (Manga Script)
« Reply #2 on: September 12, 2013, 06:54:55 AM »
Pretty interesting

Offline Lumaria

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Re: Ghosts of the past (Manga Script)
« Reply #3 on: September 12, 2013, 03:40:41 PM »
diffficult to judge the plot at this moment but at least its mostly consice. an issue is that some scenes are severely rushed, especially when it comes to the important stuff. Another issue is don't refer to the character's like as  a "story". in real life, one wouldn't do that.
Stop playing victim....you know what you did.

Offline Crazycone

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Re: Ghosts of the past (Manga Script)
« Reply #4 on: September 12, 2013, 05:58:00 PM »
Can you give an example of a rushed scene?
What do you mean by "don't refer to the characters as a story"?

@LazyDude and midsummer_feast Thanks :D

Edit: NVM I got what you meant by "story". When Rio refers to his fall as the end of his story.
I will fix it right away :D
I still need the example of the rushed scene though, so I can fix them, and prevent it from happening again.
TY for the feedback :)
« Last Edit: September 12, 2013, 06:18:08 PM by Crazycone »
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Offline Lumaria

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Re: Ghosts of the past (Manga Script)
« Reply #5 on: September 12, 2013, 07:13:43 PM »
*Milo has a look of confusion*

Rio: I fell down and the vial broke! (Next bubble “He wants to kill me!”)

Milo: Rio, you don’t make sense. No one is trying to kill you.

This scene in particular. What made him believe that guy is coming to kill him?
Stop playing victim....you know what you did.

Offline Crazycone

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Re: Ghosts of the past (Manga Script)
« Reply #6 on: September 12, 2013, 07:18:18 PM »
@Lorenx1
Hmm.. You're right. Ill take care of it.
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Offline Lumaria

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Re: Ghosts of the past (Manga Script)
« Reply #7 on: September 12, 2013, 08:10:14 PM »
also consider more scenes. and see if it goes too fast. i didn't realy get a good feel on this characters personality or the world. everything seemed to happen fast for a post apocalyptic setting.

it's like he's living in a normal world...but not. expand the beginning more to show more of the daily life of this main character or hint more to his dail life and his persona.
Stop playing victim....you know what you did.

Offline Crazycone

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Re: Ghosts of the past (Manga Script)
« Reply #8 on: September 12, 2013, 09:14:40 PM »
I can't do that. I am planning to have the main character grow differently after the events from chapter one, and if I explained how he was before, it would be a waste do to the fact that I will change his personality completely. He is a normal guy at the beginning, I explain it in the new edit of all chapter 1.

Each character has a different personality at the beginning, but since the events have 100% to do with Rio, I want to focus on his shock rather than his ancient personality. Once he find out what he is, and where he came from, he starts to see the world from a completely different perspective. The first scene at the school, was just to hint that Rio was an average teenager, spending his afternoons playing games, or at his house.

I don't really know if you like the script of not, but I have the tendency to "not spoil". I hate to spoil the things I write to other people, so Ill prefer if you figure out why I chose to jump direcly into the plot by reading. :) If not, I could tell you by PM.

Perhaps think of it the same way as the manga "Deadman Wonderland", or the movie "Book of Eli". :D I hope you enjoy it! Here's a sheep --> :sheep:
« Last Edit: September 12, 2013, 11:59:30 PM by Crazycone »
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Offline h_musick

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Re: Ghosts of the past (Manga Script)
« Reply #9 on: September 12, 2013, 11:24:08 PM »
I like this idea of jumping right into the plot, I think you can make it work well. Remember that that basic plot chart crap is just what teachers go by in school, and if you read you will know that you don't have to follow it to have a good (or great) story.
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Offline Lumaria

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Re: Ghosts of the past (Manga Script)
« Reply #10 on: September 13, 2013, 12:16:56 AM »
It depends on the style. A lot of manga does jump in but clarifies as the story goes through. Heck, novels do this all the time.


I'm not convinced though for this...you already make it sound like what we see in chapter 1 is ancient history...but it doesn't mean what you reveal now doesn't make what we see irrelevant.

It's like you're saying "I don't want to clarify that these trees ever had green leaves, all I want to do is focus that their now red." You also have to consider this is a post-apocalyptic setting...there's little room for "normal"

Also note that developing a character and a rapid change doesn't sell...almoost sounds like you don't want to develop his old persona because you don't want it to take up time in the story.
Stop playing victim....you know what you did.

Offline Crazycone

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Re: Ghosts of the past (Manga Script)
« Reply #11 on: September 13, 2013, 08:55:58 AM »
Maybe thats because I'm doing this the same way I would write a novel...

I don't want to explain how the MC was before, because he is AVERAGE, he has the same routine every day, as any normal teenager. I will explain more about the life there as the story goes, I thought the manga-pictures would have been enough to give the reader a feel. You have to keep under account that this is just a script, in manga you tell the story with pictures, so without them... this is incomplete. Yes, it is post-apocalyptic, but you will soon learn why Rio's life is almost 100% normal, it is all part of the story. Once I get to episode 4, I am hoping to give the reader a grasp of the first story arc.

Anyways, to answer that: I decided to jump right into ARC1 in order to set up a hook for the reader, as well as a state of confusion for the feel of the whole series. I tried to leave the reader with many questions:
How can he leap?
Was his mother one of the test subjects?
Who is Dane?
Who is Mia, and where did she go before this started?
Why was his father so happy to see her, even though she left for 1 week?
Why aren't they allowed to go to the mountain-valley behind the city?

This is just the first episode. I left many questions unanswered because they are all spoilers, and what fun would it be if I revealed everything in the first episode? I am trying to tie every single detail to the over-all plot. Remember pictures tell the story as well, I was trying to give the reader a feel of the plot with the pictures. This is a manga script, so it is not complete without the actual manga-pictures.

Other than that, I am trying to leave the reader with the same feel as the anime's Shinsekai Yori, and Deadman Wonderland. I want each episode to answer some questions, but drop a hell lot more to be answered. This will create a feeling of confusion, and if combined with good lightening and pictures, a taste of melancholy for the serie. In reference to Deadman Wonderland, I want to include the "jump right into the plot" idea, to immediatly give the MC a reason to do whatever he is doing. If the MC has a clear goal in mind (not exactly clear right now), the reader will have an idea of what the serie is about, like in Code Geass or Deathnote.

Spoiler
I still want freaking-amazing-unexpected-plot-twists, so I want the reader to have an idea of where this is going, but due to the state of confusion, he doesn't have the "grip" in the right hole... suddenly: PUM! WRONG B*TCH!

I hope this answered your questions :) Thanks for the feedback! :D
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Offline Lumaria

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Re: Ghosts of the past (Manga Script)
« Reply #12 on: September 13, 2013, 09:45:55 PM »
Yeah...but there's not much importance to them....You're making us ask questions, but not in a way where the reader knows it was intentional. And that's probably because your trying too hard for novel format. Keep in miind, novels don't explain a whole lot right off the bat, but they make up for it with describing their surroundings and making the setting solid.

Also, this state of confusion, isn't really confusing for the reader, but rushed. I also started out my story with "confusion" when it came to introduction. But I still had plenty of room to make my character concrete...

You don't have to give "answers" but provide "relevancy". I highly suggest you don't throw away a characters old persona simply because you want the change tto be important. It makes it "less" important.

There's a difference between "rushing" and "jumping". And I see rushing because I see areas where you could've established a personality. But instead made him into those characters that does what the author makes him to do and say.

Why did he feel he had to lie? And it wasn't even a "good" lie? You haven't established his character. And that's something you need to do. I don't have questions. I only ask them and hope it can be revealed.


don't consider relevant aspects as trash just because you want the sense of jumping in.
Stop playing victim....you know what you did.

Offline LazyDude

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Re: Ghosts of the past (Manga Script)
« Reply #13 on: September 14, 2013, 04:11:06 PM »
I kinda agree with Lorenx1 on the part of showing what the character was like before he grows so much differently. It makes the shift of his personality so much more interesting and can be taken seriously. You dont have to go so far into like a backstory though. Because putting back stories in psychological thrillers can be challenging to pull off perfectly. (If it is a psychological thriller i kinda guessed lol  ;D )

One thing I think you should do is place small key factors about the MC in the story. Usually this makes the reader almost guess on what type of person he was before without having to show a day of his life. You could even just put this in his thoughts.

And I also think she was a little right on the setting being impossible to stay locked on to. It is the artists job to convey the setting with pictures. But you should also show put in many examples of how the world is. Like for example you said The great flash only left a few nations. You could make some one say something like this:


Homeless Guy1: PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!!!! THE GREAT FLASH WAS A PUNISHMENT FROM GOD!!!!! YOU MUST STOP ALL THIS USELESS BLOOD SHED!!!! THERE ARE SO VERY FEW HUMANS LEFT!!!!! PLEASE!!!!

Or something like that. To really convey the setting not only in pictures but also in what characters say and do.
« Last Edit: September 14, 2013, 04:13:26 PM by LazyDude »