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Author Topic: Fallen Immortalia  (Read 1368 times)

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Offline AFallenSoulCries

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Fallen Immortalia
« on: September 13, 2013, 10:49:11 AM »
"The Fallen has no right to reclaim his place in Nieve Teavas..."
-Lucis Cornelious (one of the antagonist in Fallen Immortalia)

Ciaossu! We meet again guys! And as promised in the forum, I'm gonna post something about my story here. If you have read my post in the Welcome Center, you would know that this is a fairly new concept that I've thought of as a result of combining my two previous ideas. And as mentioned, I have an artist who is willing to work with me and he will be sending me his drawing of this story's main character (based on the description that I've given him) probably this weekend so we could see if our ideas and style preferences match. Nevertheless, he also seems to be quite interested and serious as I am in making this project.

And as this concept is "fairly new" to me, I am still on the process of finalizing and organizing this story. So, I am currently searching for another member to join us, preferably an artist who is willing to take part in the creation of the "whole picture". And with an "artist taking part in the creation", I don't mean to say that I'm gonna ask you to write chapters or stuffs like that. What I mean is I will be asking your ideas from time to time cause I believe that the artist has to have equal say in the concept/storyline cause its not so nice to draw something you don't really like, right? Anyway, I think I've said enough so without further adieu, I present to you the basic concept behind Fallen Immortalia.

Spoiler
Fallen Immortalia takes place in a world called Leighfenheim (lai-fen-haim). Leighfenheim is a world wrapped with mystery and magick. Surrounding Leighfenheim is a River of Magick called "Nemir Vita" (if you know Final Fantasy VII, then Nemir Vita is pretty much like the Lifestream). Nemir Vita is the source of the planet's energy and power needed for continued survival.

Two different yet closely similar beings inhabit Leighfenheim. The humans and the Neserhelms.

The Humans
As the name implies, humans are humans. They don't have any sort of innate power or energy. They don't possess high speed regeneration. They live to a ripe age of 80-100 years. In short, they're just your typical, ordinary humans (but that would be a little boring, right?  :-\). However, they are able to summon and channel the power of the Nemir Vita through magickal items called Relicks. The strength and capability of a human to summon the magick of the Nemir Vita depends on the "pureness" of his soul. The purer the soul, the greater power and magick can be summoned. (A "pure" soul is defined as a soul which does not harbor any ill or negative feelings towards another.) Every soul has its own color (eg. yellow, blue, red, etc.). A pure soul emits light shade of color (ie. light blue, light yellow, light red, etc.) while a corrupted soul emits a dark shade of color (ie. dark blue, dark yellow, dark red, etc.) which will eventually turn black.

The humans are under the sovereign rule of the Supreme Ruler residing in Nieve Teavas (heaven or paradise). When a human dies, his soul goes to Nieve Teavas to be reunited with the Supreme Ruler but only if he maintains the "pureness" of his soul. A human whose soul turns into black completely will be reincarnated over and over again until such time that he can die while maintaining a "pure" soul.

Relicks used by humans to channel the power of the Nemir Vita:

Spirit Cards
Chains
Oral Incantations
Magick Circles
Gem Pendants
Weapons

Normally, humans are only able to master the use of one of the six Relicks but in some cases, talented and gifted humans can master up to four Relicks.


Now, off to the MAIN cast:

The Neserhelms
Neserhelms are beings endowed with the power to call upon the Nemir Vita directly. While humans channel the power of Nemir Vita through magickal items, Neserhelms are able to summon them directly at will by using their bodies as mediums. They are born with innate magickal power. They have high speed regeneration. They live for a very long time. Neserhelms are somewhat "immortal" creatures tasked with maintaining the balance of Nemir Vita. However, since eternal life is not considered to be a good thing by most Neserhelms, their "end goal" is to go back to Nieva Teavas (heaven or paradise) and be reunited with the Emperor after living for a very long time. And the only way for Neserhelms to die (they call it the "freeing of the soul") is if they had successfully accomplished the 3 distinct missions given to them by the Emperor before they were given life. These missions are not known to them. The missions are given before their are sent to live a life on Leighfenheim as Neserhelms but they don't actually remember them when they are already living on Leighfenheim. So, after completing these 3 missions, the door to Nieve Teavas opens to them.

It must also be noted that eventhough the Neserhelms live amongst humans, they are not under the jurisdiction and rule of the Supreme Ruler (the God who rules the humans); hence the Supreme Ruler has no control over the Neserhelms. The Neserhelm's God is called the "Emperor" who is living alongside the Supreme Ruler in Nieve Teavas (heaven or paradise). The Emperor and the Supreme Ruler are best of friends.

And more importantly, Humans, until now, were never aware of the existence of Neserhelms.

This was the situation of the Neserhelms until three thousand years ago. When the "Fallen Soul Calamity took place.

During the Fallen Soul Calamity, the Emperor did something which almost killed half of the human race on Leighfenheim. This event caused the Supreme Ruler to go berserk and raise his sword against his best friend. He banished the Emperor from Nieve Teavas and sealed him away to Hellia Villa (hell) with no chance of escaping and going back. He then cursed all of the Neserhelms. The curse was that, they were to roam Leighfenheim for eternity unless they form a contract with a human and grant 3 of that human's wishes but these wishes are not known to them. Since the humans are not aware of the existence of the Neserhelms, they can't go on telling them what their wishes are. And the Neserhelms are also not allowed to tell the humans they've formed a contract with that they're Neserhelms. If they do that, then they lose all hope of ever going back to Nieve Teavas. So, they have to really follow that human around and get to know them so they could "guess" and find out what those 3 wishes are. And how can the secret contract be made with only the Neserhelm knowing? See, the Neserhelms do not know that they're Neserhelms when they are born on Leighfenheim. Inside every Neserhelm is a seed. A seed that connects them to Nemir Vita. A seed that determines the value and nature of their soul. And the contract between a human and a Neserhelm can be made when that human has caused the Neserhelm's seed to awaken. When a Nershelm's seed awaken, he becomes fully aware of what he is as well as the human he has now a contract with. And so, he follows this human around until he can grant him his 3 wishes. And humans just thought that they're either blessed or lucky seeing that their wishes have been granted.

Neserhelms must also protect the humans they've formed a contract with. It is considered a mortal sin if Neserhelms are unable to grant the 3 wishes before the human dies. In that event, the Neserhelms are thron into Hellia Villa to suffer forever.


Let's now go to our main character:

The main character of Fallen Immortalia is a guy name Aion Gaybriel Deifer who was a Neserhelm.

700 years before the actual storyline:

Aion was an orphan left in the care of the prominent human family, the Deifers. He was a talented and gifted lad that everyone had high expectations of him. During a rather comical incident, he happened to meet a red haired girl named Fenshudence Kaylah Marie from one of the respected family, the Lairei. Kylah was the youngest of the 5 siblings and the only girl in the family. Despite the fact the she came from a skillful family, she is rather clumsy and fails in almost all of her classes, even unable to do the basics in Relick Magick. After meeting Aion, she becomes attached to him and follows him around. One day as she was strolling in the woods, a group of Anyvies (to be explained in the later part) attacked her. Seeing that she is unable to wield Relicks properly, she became an easy target. Her death was certain if not for the fact that Aion arrived to save her. She was so surprised and overjoyed at the same time knowing the Aion came for her. Weeping in his arms, Aion's seed was awakened. Following the awakening of his seed, Aion became aware of his true identity as a Neserhelm. Even though he was pretty annoyed with Kaylah, he had no choice but to follow her around so he could go back to Nieve Teavas. It may seem like hell to stick around with the person you hated the most but he endured. As time passed by, he was able to grant 2 of Kaylah's wished. He was just one wish away from seeing Nieve Teavas when a certain misfortune visited him. One fateful night, when the moon was unusually giving off a crimson light, Aion felt like his soul was being forced outside of own his body and everything went black. When he finally regained consciousness, he was shocked to see Kaylah bathing in her own blood in front of him. Beside her was a dying message written in blood that says:

"Will my life be enough, Aion?"

After the terrible episode, Aion was so sure that he was going to be thrown to Hellia Villa when the Supreme Ruler announced that he was giving Aion a chance. Confused, Aion asked why he was the only one to commit the crime who was being spared. The Supreme Ruler just answered that his was a special case.

Being a criminal, Aion was branded with the "Mark of Exilul". The Mark of Exilul is the brand given to Neserhelms who had committed serious crimes. Neserhelms are forbidden from touching, much less interacting with those branded by this mark. So, following the events, no Neserhelm welcomed Aion in their homes and in their lives. They treated him as if he did not exist.

The chance that the Supreme Ruler gave Aion was that, he would be allowed to go back to Nieve Teavas if he could fulfill Kaylah's last wish. But with Kayla dead, Aion was left with no clues on how he could accomplish this. He roamed aimlessly through out Leighfenheim, dealt with underground mercenaries in order to survive, became an assassin for money, slept on the streets and live an unsightly life. He roamed the earth for more than a hundred years in search of an answer, changing his name and identity but his appearance doesn't change.  This kind of life continued on until he happened to meet Regis Xavier Forrtier.


Actual Story Timeline:
Regis Xavier Forrtier (human) was the founder and head of the Sanctum. The Sanctum is the most prominent and respected School of Magick in Leighfenheim which trains humans to be expert Relick weilders. He saved Aion from being killed by the "Clock", an infamous underground mercenary that deals with black market assassinations. Since then, Aion has been living under Regis' care and has been helping him run the Sanctum. Regis is also one of the few humans granted with the knowledge of the existence of Neserhelms. Since no Neserhelm would help Aion, he took him in and has been helping him find the answer as to how he could fulfill Kaylah's last wish but with no luck so far. Regis daughter, Geniveive, who is also a human, has the ability to see through the Neserhelm's seeds.


Main Antagonist:
The main antagonist of Fallen Immortalia is the organization called "The Shadow of the Unlighted Moon". This organization is composed of Neserhelms loyal to the Emperor. Their extreme hatred and disdain with the Supreme Ruler gave birth to a dark aura called the Thanato Materia. The Thanato Materia stains the Neserhelm's seed and contaminates it. A seed corrupted with the Thanato Materia loses its purity and therefore cuts its connection with the Nemir Vita and relies on the dark aura for power and energy. Neserhelms who have even the slightest ill and negative feelings stuck up are easy target for the Thanato Materia. After corrupting and residing in a Neserhelm's seed for quite some time, the Thanato Materaia takes on a physical form and becomes an Anyvie. An Anyvie is a representation of the evil hiding beneath every Nerserhelm. Anyvies are killing machines bent on destroying the whole humankind. The Shadow of the Unlighted Moon's true goal is to cause a war between humans and Neserhelms and free the Emperor from Hellia Villa.

The Thanato Materia does not only affect Neserhelms but humans as well. Humans affected with the Thanato Materia lose their sanity and becomes Pseudo-Anyvies.

Humans, though unaware of the existence of the Neserhelms, recognizes the existence of the Thanato Materia.


Leighfenheims Government:
Leighfenheim's government is divided into two:

The Ypsilos Altus which constitutes the legislative and executive body and
The Dynamis Extracto which constitutes the judiciary body and military defense.

The Ypsilos Altus is headed by the Deux Primo. The Deux Primo's job is comparable to that of a country's president or prime minister. The Deux Primo is a genius who is said to appear only once in every generation gifted with the ability to control all the six Relicks. The Deux Primo is then aided by the "Council of Nobles" called the Kyrios comparable to that of a country's senator. The Kyrios are composed of heads of the 12 Noble Families of Leighfenheim.

The Dynamis Extracto on the other hand is headed by the General called the Selee no Fareya who is rumored to rival the strength of that of the Deux Primo. The General is also aided by 12 skilled lieutenants called the Adjutors. To be able to become an Adjutor, one has to master at least 3 Relicks.


The Ypsilos Altus and the Dynamis Extracto are said to work hand in hand together but they never intefere with each other's business and are said to have a cold relationship with each other.
 

Well, that's all for now. I'll be adding some details eventually.

Any (and ALL KINDS) of criticisms are very much welcome people! I'm used to hearing them all the time so, bring them on! I accept all kinds of criticisms and I take them objectively. I don't hold grudges over what people say so yeah. I'm cool. ^^

And if anyone finds this story intriguing and wants to help out, then please feel free to PM me.

And ARTISTS! Yeah. If any artist wants to try this one out, then please PM me as well.
(----THROWS AROUND AN ARTIST BAIT---)


"The color red has long been a part of my life..."
-Aion

Love and Kisses,

AFallenSoulCries

« Last Edit: September 13, 2013, 11:39:01 AM by AFallenSoulCries »

Offline kinre

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Re: Fallen Immortalia
« Reply #1 on: September 13, 2013, 12:16:38 PM »
it seem to me you are making game now, and not a story.

from what i see, now you are making all the detail/information you think will be use, but i think these detail/information will only make the story harder to make.

you are making story base of detail/information that you make bit by bit, but you should make the detail for the story.

making detail is good but only make it for the story need.

and i don't think you will understand what i mean.

p.s i really think you are making a game and not a manga/story.
trying to be pro drawer

Offline AFallenSoulCries

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Re: Fallen Immortalia
« Reply #2 on: September 13, 2013, 06:46:35 PM »
Hello there! Thanks for the feedback! I appreciate it.  :thumbsup:

Yeah, this seems like a game but since I'm still on the process of finalizing everything. And like I said, this is just the basic concept with which the story is gonna be based from. I laid out and described the whole universe that is Leighfenheim. I described the beings living in it (humans and Neserhelms), the kind of world Leighfenheim is, as well as the societal structure (the form of government and rule that they have) and how they will be governed. And uhmm, I think all the details I have presented will be beneficial in the creation of the story and through it I could create sub-plots and stuffs that would connect with each other (like Regis is actually the Deux Primo in disguise or he could actually be the leader of "The Shadow of the Unlighted Moon"). Anyway, I haven't fully finalized the whole picture yet so some stuffs could still be added or deducted.

Again, thanks.  :dance: :dance: :dance:

Love and Kisses,
AFallenSoulCries

Offline kinre

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Re: Fallen Immortalia
« Reply #3 on: September 14, 2013, 03:33:05 AM »
well.... if you believe what you do is right i will not say much but you are not making a story yet, you have no story now.
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Offline Lumaria

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Re: Fallen Immortalia
« Reply #4 on: September 14, 2013, 03:44:35 AM »
If this is the basic concept...you have waaay too many details to cover. You could see how intimidating it is.


For 1: You have too many titles for too many events. And not only that but they have long names. You don't have any defining names? If you plan to reveal all this in detail, then great. But I'm telling you, you have too much.

Have you thought up how you're going to reveal all this without being rushed or forced?
Stop playing victim....you know what you did.

Offline AFallenSoulCries

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Re: Fallen Immortalia
« Reply #5 on: September 14, 2013, 04:05:44 AM »
@Lorenx1

Yeah, I have to agree with that. I thought about it the whole day and I was like WOAH! :omg:
How am I gonna reveal all of it in order without having it rushed? The details are overwhelming.

I really need to go over it again and take out some stuff. Since this is two of my stories combined, I piled up way too much.

Thanks! xDDD

And to any site MOD or ADMIN: I think I posted this in the wrong forum. This should be in the Develop your story corner, right? Would you be kind enough to move this there? Thank you!