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Author Topic: Dark Peak  (Read 4665 times)

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Offline Darksquirrel

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Re: Dark Peak
« Reply #15 on: April 02, 2013, 01:07:35 PM »
That's certainly original. I'm assuming you've worked a lot on the background(Well, either that or you made up loads of ancient names as you go along, like me lol)? I'd say you need to work a bit on your punctuation and grammar. For one thing, you shouldn't use "he's" as a possessive, as it is a connotation for "He is". I'm not trying to be pedantic, but critique is what this forum was made for. I'm looking forward to the next part, as the little ginger girl is promising to be quite a comedic/wacky character :)

Also, would you mind giving me some thoughts on the badger story? I've posted the first chapter but I just want to see what people think of it.
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Offline eldritchmaestro

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Re: Dark Peak
« Reply #16 on: April 02, 2013, 01:28:58 PM »
Well it's a little bit of both in terms of world building. I have some mythology i developed way back when so i remember bits and pieces of how it works. After writing a purely 'felt-out' draft i've been able to refine it and solidify the backstories much better. Going over it again i've spotted quite a few crazy mistakes, and even now i'm not sure if the island makes much sense.

Ah and understood about the he's. It's supposed to be written 'his'. It slipped my radar thanks.

Offline Darksquirrel

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Re: Dark Peak
« Reply #17 on: April 02, 2013, 03:09:42 PM »
Well it's a little bit of both in terms of world building. I have some mythology i developed way back when so i remember bits and pieces of how it works. After writing a purely 'felt-out' draft i've been able to refine it and solidify the backstories much better. Going over it again i've spotted quite a few crazy mistakes, and even now i'm not sure if the island makes much sense.

Ah and understood about the he's. It's supposed to be written 'his'. It slipped my radar thanks.

What I got is that it's some "out of the way" island where not much happens. And something about monarchs  :blush:

I'm hoping that's accurate lol
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Offline eldritchmaestro

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Re: Dark Peak
« Reply #18 on: April 03, 2013, 03:54:09 AM »
Yeah that's good enough haha. You don't really need to care about the world anyways. Victor doesn't anyways.

Offline Darksquirrel

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Re: Dark Peak
« Reply #19 on: April 03, 2013, 05:44:48 AM »
That seems fair. I know Tolkien did the LOTR trilogy from the viewpoint of a hobbit, so one didn't always get the full picture.
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Offline KagePen

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Re: Dark Peak
« Reply #20 on: April 03, 2013, 07:56:38 AM »
Yosh! The story's getting more interesting haha :D This would do well as a novel or light novel, not a manga though, the vast amount of description would add too much narration and that would totally kill it. But its a very good story :thumbsup: I'm looking forward to more ! :biggrin:

Offline Darksquirrel

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Re: Dark Peak
« Reply #21 on: April 03, 2013, 08:22:33 AM »
^ It would look great in the anthology as a short story.
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Offline KagePen

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Re: Dark Peak
« Reply #22 on: April 03, 2013, 08:28:02 AM »
Definitely! ^^

Offline eldritchmaestro

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Re: Dark Peak
« Reply #23 on: April 03, 2013, 09:59:34 AM »
Thanks I really appreciate it. It's actually what I'm aiming for. I'm going to illustrate it with 1 to 3 pictures when i submit it. I just hope it's not too large.

Offline KagePen

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Re: Dark Peak
« Reply #24 on: April 03, 2013, 10:10:39 AM »
That'll work perfectly lego!  :push:

Offline eldritchmaestro

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Re: Dark Peak
« Reply #25 on: April 07, 2013, 05:47:32 AM »


Hm, i'm okay with the story, but i'm not too happy with the writing. I prefer shorter faster sentences than long descriptions. Next time i guess. Two more posts and then i'm done.


     

   Her call echoed throughout The Den. Everyone froze for a moment. Others seemed used to her constant intrusions, but the newcomers couldn’t help but look.
     "My name is Millandria Rosella Skywind! I'm a magus in training and people call me a genius which is incidentally true! I can do 20 pushups without stopping so i'm pretty energetic even though I’m beautiful. I can memorize anything that I’ve read so long as it's interesting! If it's boring i forget it so unfortunately i'm not too good at healing spells hahaha!"
     "I don’t even know how to react to that.” Victor commented.
     "Er. Millandria?..." Bax began to say but she had one final thing to say. She put her hands on her hip,
     "Don't worry! If you’re evil i'll just turn you into a good person and so i don't discriminate! You can talk to me since i'll be sitting over there chatting with Big bro Bax. Unfortunately i am not interested in love now so don't get any funny ideas! I'm only 15 years old after all haha!"
She was oblivious to the resulting silence. She walked over to the bar and took a seat next to      Victor, for some reason whispering her order,
     "Two cups of milk please Bax."
     "Y-yes. Coming right up."
     She looked over at the beers at Victor's table, "Beer is bad for your health you know. You should at least try to drink one at a time."
     "I don't drink beer."
     "Liar! Look! you’re in a bar!"
     "Stop being childish. One thing does not mean the other.”
     "Yes it does!"
     "You ordered milk."     
     She laughed, "Milk isn't beer. I~di~ot.”
     Victor stood up and knocked on the counter, "I'll be going now Bax."
     "Oy... Victor... Calm down. If you really are in a hurry just suck it up.”
     “I can’t deal with this kind of person.”
     “You’ve dealt with worse, Sad Hero. Entire armies and a band of mismatched heroes couldn’t possibly be as bad as her. Come on, here's some water for real now."
     “Bax I hate it when you talk about me like I’m not there. I’ll hex you.”
     There was a flash of light and Bax’s head turned into a frog. He seemed used to it though and he carefully poured a glass of water for Victor,
     “Usually you say that as a warning Millandria. Could you turn me back please?”
     “Hmph.”
     A flick of her finger and his face returned.
     “Honestly…” Bax wandered off to attend to other patrons who had neared the counter.
     When Bax came back he saw no progress was being made. Victor was silently sipping at his water and Millandria was drinking her milk.
     "So... Will you introduce yourself already?" Bax said to Victor.
     “Two more cups please.” She said. “My chest doesn’t grow on magic you know.”
     “Yes yes Millandria.” He said as he poured two more cups. He glanced at Victor, who seemed to have no intention of talking. Bax sighed heavily, “Millandria. There's someone who needs your help."
     Bam! A loud crash as she set her tumbler on the counter,
     "Really!? Someone wants to go on an adventure with me!?"
     "N-no not really, please calm down Millandria."
     She seemd a little sad as she sat down, "Hmph. I hope it's not a healing job or anything petty like that. I'm not a salesperson i'm a magus! A beautiful lady magus of adventure!"
     Bax stared at her. He's annoyance showed on his usually mild face. Finally he stated it simply,
     "Millandria, meet Victor. Victor, meet Millandria. Chat well."
     "Oy- Bax!" Victor sputtered.
     "No. Deal with this yourself. Like I said, I doubt your chances of getting back to that hill again."
     Victor watched as Bax escaped to another corner of the counter, cleaning the table top that was already pretty clean.
     It looked like Victor was on his own for now. This really was against everything he had aimed for on that hill. At this rate he would get involved. The only hope he had was to get it all done and over with as soon as possible without falling in too deep, and finally when he dispelled the curse he would be free to do what he wished.
     "So... strange sad looking man, what do you want? And like i said i'm not a salesperson." She seemed a little annoyed.
     That's my expression you fool. Victor thought and started calmly.
     "My name is Victor."
     "My name is Millandria. I am a beautiful genius magus."
     Victor deleted that sentence because he didn’t know hot to respond to it.
     He proceeded to show her his tatoo. She blushed furiously, "W-what are you doing? Your stripping!? I told you I’m not interested in- "
     Victor showed her the tatoo. "Of course not. I'm showing you this tatoo." He had said that obvious sentence to stave off the many stares that he had received because of her comment.      Their attention didn’t immediately vanish, however.
     "Oy... who's that strange guy... he's really talking to that girl?"
     "You don't know? It's Victor. The Sad Hero."
     "Oh... I thought that trash was rotting away on a hill somewhere."
     "Guess he got hungry."
     "Hahaha..."
     Victor heard every word perfectly well. He didn't have time to deal with them. He continued,
     "I got cursed by this tattoo all of the sudden, and i want to know a way to remove it. Help me. I'll recompense you with any amount of money you want."
     "No." She said resolutely.
     "If you don't work for money then i have some rare magic books i'm sure you'd be interested in reading."
     "No. You know what i want."
     Victor sighed, he bent down and unlocked the trunk. Opening it, he showed the girl one white bound hardcover of one of the books Reichstein had left him.
     "Defense spells for foolish depressed heroes?" Millandria stifled a laugh as she read a paper note that was caught in the teeth of the first page. Victor hurridely snatched it away and tore it up,
     "The one who gave it to me is a bit of a comedian. But he’s an a-grade magician. Immortal Reichstein."
     "Uncle Reichstein? Really?" Millandria’s expression changed.
     “Uncle… Reichstein?” Victor tried to catch Bax’s eyes for confirmation, but he was busy polishing the clean counter and ignoring the conversation.  Victor spilled his water on purpose just to spite him.
     Millandria removed her hood, delicately balancing the book on her knees. She flipped through the pages of the book like it was made of glass.
     She looked up to him, "This book... how did you get it? Even Reichstein didn’t teach me anything on this level. He’s left you his Grimoire, his life’s work!”
     Victor was a bit surprised. He had no idea that’s how precious the books were. Before Victor could reply she wrote something in the air quickly, and a light blue rune appeared there. It crackled for a few seconds, flashing electricity, and she closed the book. Her playful demeanor was gone for a while. There was something akin to fear and awe in her eyes...
      “Impressive.” But Victor knew that this was beyond the level of ‘impressive’. Performing a spell that quickly simply didn’t happen. It just didn’t.
     Millandria was leaning in with interest. Something seemed to be dawning on her.
     “Wait. Depressed guy, thin as a stick, strange black clothing, perpetual circles under his eyes... and a broken runesword... you .... you’re The Sad Hero?"
     Victor didn't wish to respond. He simply spoke, "Will you be able to dispel this or not?"
     She grabbed both of Victor's shoulders, "Are you’re really him? Victor The Sad Hero? The man who ended the last war? Then ran away? What- i thought this rock wasn't so amazing. So an amazing person like you was really here!"
     Victor looked around once. People were starting to notice him. He brushed off her hand, "So can you help me get rid of this or not? The books are pretty good right?"
She just stared at him.
     "Skywind.” Victor prompted.
     "Eh? Ah- sorry." She shook her head and held out her hand tentatively, "Erm... excuse me."
Victor just stared at her, and she leaned forward to look at the tatoo. She pressed over it, seeming to knead it with her hands. She blushed as she did so.
     "Um... i'm not too good at rune reading as much as my other magic but... this seems hm..."
     She rubbed the back of her head "You need erm..." She seemed to look in the air for a moment, then at the side, as though remembering something, "The Ale of Bictor."
     "The… Ale of Bictor?" Victor frowned, "Are you sure? What is this?"
     "It's not something that's specific for this." She stuttered, "This is a pretty heavy curse so you'll need The Ale of Bictor to get rid of it. It's like a do-it-all draught that cleanses a large amount of curses. Even some cast by gods."
     Victor rubbed his face in frustration and leaned back, "So it's serious? What does it do?"
     "F-for now... nothing. It's probably going to activate in a month from now or after. I think. From what I can see."
     "You think?"
     "I can't help it! It's written in some dead language and even my Babel Eyes don't help - they're supposed to be able to read most ancient languages but i can barely make out what it's saying."
     "So where can i get this Ale?"
     "It's somewhere pretty far away. So you'll definitely need a-"
     "No."
     Victor stood up. "You can keep the trunk. I won't need it. I don't really have enough time to study those magics."
     "W-wait!" She jumped in front of him, "You can't be serious. Only I and my family know about The Ale. And even if you got to it you need a spell to get rid of all the defensive magic, and to collect The Ale itself!"
     "I'll figure it out when i get there."
     "It's in a remote place! Very far far away!” She was sweating now, “You won't be able to hire anyone."
     "I know what you want. I said no."
     "Why?" She punched him in the shoulder. "I can help you!"
     "I have my reasons."
     "I won't charge anything!"
     "No."
     "Fine. Just know that if you don't find it as fast as you think you can, you're gonna die."
     "Die?" Victor looked at her.
     "That’s what’s going to happen when it activates."
     “And of course you only mention this now."
     “Because it’s not something to worry about with me around!”
     “If you’re lying…” Victor spoke with a different tone of voice that sent chills down her spine.
     "Yes! Ah- no I’m not- so will you go with me?”
     “Fine.” Victor stood up and started walking towards the exit, “Let’s go.”
     “Yes!” She jumped up and hopped around. One person nearby choked on his drink.
     "Okay, i've had enough of this farce." Someone spoke up loudly.
     It was a man in a cloak like the rest of them. He was flanked by two other figures. He stood up proudly, ripping off his cloak to reveal gold armour that was in top condition. Despite its impressive craftsmanship it clearly bore marks of use. Undoubtedly he was a man who had been in many battles.
     "Lazarus Fang. Knight of Wind."  He introduced himself. He had blonde hair and a face almost bordering on beauty. He wore flashy silver earrings and his sheathed sword had jewels inset in the hilt.
     Victor kept on walking towards the exit. The man calling himself Lazarus grabbed Victor's left shoulder to hinder him.
     "You're Victor. The sad, sad cowardly hero right?"
     Victor looked at him.
     "Firstly, I just want to say, bravo on ending the war. Hero." He smiled derisevly, "Of course, i'd also give you respect, if you didn't just go and completely disappear after that. It's good and all to use your sword to end battles, but what good is it if you don't follow through to the end?"
     He grabbed Victor's shoulder harder. Victor flinched a little at the strenght, and Lazarus grinned, "Did you know? After you defeated Arctus it seems his high priests were still around. They managed to transform countless people into the undead. They've gained enough force and are now a constant bane to the mainland. An evil band of undead, made up of men, women, children alike. Do you have any idea how many have been killed because of them? How many are facing a fate worse than death?"
     Victor looked up at him with empty eyes. "What do you want me to say?”
     Why did I say that? I should’ve just groveled and let him humiliate me. Dammit this is troublesome.
     Lazarus snarled.
     Smash! Victor was slammed across the room and he slammed his head against the counter, sliding down until he sat.
     I must admit I did not see that punch. Victor thought weakly. His nose was broken.
     Victor snapped his nose back in place and wiped away the blood.
Millandria was shouting, “What by Sybord was that for? Don’t go calling Victor a coward just because you’re a jealous insecure fool!”
     Victor didn’t even look at her. He walked forwards towards Victor, intending to finish the job. Victor found he could barely move.
     Ugh. I haven't eaten in days and i walked non-stop.
     Lazarus stopped, looming over Victor, "I know we're supposed to act like we don't know eachother on this island. It's only proper etiquette. Even if one of those damned priests was in here I wouldn’t acknowledge them. I know this." He raised his voice, "But if anyone, i mean anyone, no matter what god demon or nothing you are behind - is against me killing this man, then go ahead and resist  me. I'll take my leave."
No one spoke.
     He unsheathed his sword, "Victor. Everyone loathes you. Die." He raised his blade.
     "No!" Millandria began to draw something, but suddenly her left wrist was snatched up and a dagger was at her throat. One of Lazarus's companions had come for help, and like Lazarus her speed was also astounding.
     The after wind of the person's move blew off the hood, and it revealed a beautiful yet fierce looking girl.
     "Nele Fang. Squire of The Knight of Wind. Don't move at all." She said. There was already blood at the tip of her blade. She wasn't joking around. Millandria remained still.
Victor struggled to get up, amazed at how weak he felt.
     Lazarus swung down the blade.


- continued

Offline Corycaly

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Re: Dark Peak
« Reply #26 on: April 07, 2013, 02:45:53 PM »
Don't forget to format your pages so we can include yoru story in the anthology!

Offline eldritchmaestro

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Re: Dark Peak
« Reply #27 on: April 07, 2013, 04:46:01 PM »
Sure thing. I should make image files right?

Offline Corycaly

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Re: Dark Peak
« Reply #28 on: April 08, 2013, 02:40:46 PM »
You are right. You can use our template to have the right settings!

Offline Corycaly

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Re: Dark Peak
« Reply #29 on: April 09, 2013, 05:59:29 PM »
Note to all Anthology participants.

I will check files settings for each project, so please send me all your pages!
Contact me by pm so I can give you my email if necessary.