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Author Topic: (cool name here)  (Read 811 times)

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Offline mangadude

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(cool name here)
« on: October 15, 2012, 01:15:15 AM »
this just poped in to my head and this is the prologue so tell me what you think(i just hope you can read it really) :dontknow: :dontknow:

        In Manga Raider City many people are disappearing slowly but surly. At first it was people that were new to the city and we thought that they were just moving on or something. But eventually people who have made this place their home would just up and vanish without even an letter about what has happened or were they went, when they will be back. They didn't take any thing with them it’s as if they just dissolved away in to nothing. It what ever IT is has even token two moderators. If something is not done soon the utopia while become an empty shell of it’s once glory. That is why I have called this meeting for you to know that what we have feared is true. The air in the room has become very tense. Hasith continues to say, that some one or something in the city is attacking our members. The giant group of people start to whisper among one another, is it Spam ninja doing this, how can it take mods, what if it’s one of use, but their hasn't been Spam ninja in forever. 
        Hasith as if he herd all of the questions answered, we do not think that it is Spam ninja at this time in fact we think that the reason we have had this period of peace is because of what ever is causing this. Further more we have never seen anything of this nature in any of our members fighting style before the fighting grounds were destroyed. We also do not know how it could take two of our mods from use this thing is like nothing we have seen before. You are our last resort to save Manga Raiders City. After that we were told to stay alert and that we will start the search for this thing tomorrow the only thing that could have made the slightest noise when leaving would had been crickets. Because to be frank Avery body was terrified nothing like this has ever happened before most of use probably thought that this couldn't happen and was hoping this was a nightmare. What ever it is doesn't care what it is taken Spam ninja or member. What could do this? The admin can’t even figure out that and we’re supposed to stop this.
How… …
« Last Edit: October 15, 2012, 01:47:56 AM by mangaDuDe »
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Offline Minorin_Fumiko

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Re: (cool name here)
« Reply #1 on: October 15, 2012, 05:46:02 AM »
sounds interesting  :thumbsup:
Blehhh!

Offline Coryn

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Re: (cool name here)
« Reply #2 on: October 15, 2012, 05:15:39 PM »
Not a bad plot shaping up. Though you definitely need to work on you're writing.

For the most part, your greatest failing is that everything is smashed together. There's no natural breaks really. You've got the two paragraphs but it still suffers from "giant block of text syndrome." This problem usually fixes itself naturally when you format for dialogue. But here you didn't. Remember the rule of thumb is to always start a new line when there is a new speaker. So always remember to have paragraphs within a piece of dialogue, and also double space, this helps cut down on the clutter as well. So let's go ahead and see what that would look like, without altering any of your wording. Don't forget to use quotation marks either to mark dialogue.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"In Manga Raider City many people are disappearing slowly but surly. At first it was people that were new to

the city and we thought that they were just moving on or something. But eventually people who have made

this place their home would just up and vanish without even an letter about what has happened or were they

went, when they will be back.

     They didn't take any thing with them it’s as if they just dissolved away in to nothing. It what ever IT is has

even token two moderators. If something is not done soon the utopia while become an empty shell of it’s once

glory. That is why I have called this meeting for you to know that what we have feared is true. The air in the

room has become very tense."

    Hasith continues to say:

    "That some one or something in the city is attacking our members."

    The giant group of people start to whisper among one another, is it Spam ninja doing this, how can it take

mods, what if it’s one of use, but their hasn't been Spam ninja in forever. 

Hasith as if he herd all of the questions answered.

    "We do not think that it is Spam ninja at this time in fact we think that the reason we have had this period

of peace is because of what ever is causing this. Further more we have never seen anything of this nature in

any of our members fighting style before the fighting grounds were destroyed. We also do not know how it

could take two of our mods from use this thing is like nothing we have seen before. You are our last resort to

save Manga Raiders City."

     After that we were told to stay alert and that we will start the search for this thing tomorrow the only thing

that could have made the slightest noise when leaving would had been crickets. Because to be frank Avery

body was terrified nothing like this has ever happened before most of use probably thought that this couldn't

happen and was hoping this was a nightmare. What ever it is doesn't care what it is taken Spam ninja or

member. What could do this? The admin can’t even figure out that and we’re supposed to stop this.

How… …

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Better yes? Feels more free and open. You're second issue is purely grammatical and spelling in nature. This mostly comes from experience of course, but here are some tips: Never be afraid you use commas. Remember that a comma marks a break in the way a sentence should be read. Like a pause in someones speech. So if you read it out loud and it feels like there should be a pause, there should probably be a comma. Specifically, commas almost always belong before conjunctions. See here: http://www.englishclub.com/grammar/conjunctions.htm

2nd tip: Always be on the look out for the punctuation you're using. There are a lot of questions here with no question marks. Make sure to give a read through and make sure there is the correct punctuation.

3rd tip: This has to do with the spelling. It's understandable that you won't have the best spelling if you're a non native speaker, so it's doubly important that you use a word processor with a spell checker. I suggest microsoft word, but most word processors will have a spell check somewhere. Make sure to use it because a lot of the errors I see are easy fixes.

So, one last edit with grammar and spelling fixed up. Again i'll preserve your actual words. But will add or subtract minor things as needed. Things like conjunctions or tense fixes.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"In Manga Raiders City, many people are disappearing slowly but surly. At first it was people that were new to

the city, and we thought that they were just moving on or something. But eventually, people who had made

this place their home, would just up and vanish without even a letter about what had happened or where

they went, when they will be back.

     They never take any thing with them. It’s as if they just dissolved away in to nothing. It, what ever IT is,

has even taken two moderators. If something is not done soon, this utopia will become an empty shell of its

former glory. That is why I have called this meeting, for you to know that what we have feared is true."

The air in the room has become very tense. Hasith continues to say:

"That someone, or something, is in the city and attacking our members."

    The giant group of people start to whisper among one another. Is it spam ninjas doing this? How can it take

mods? What if it’s one of us? But their hasn't been spam ninjas in forever. 

Hasith, as if he heard all of the questions, answered:

    "We do not think that it is spam ninjas at this time. In fact we think that the reason we have had this period

of peace is because of whatever is causing this. Further more, we have never seen anything of this nature in

any of our member's fighting styles before Mortal Combat was shut down or since. (Canonical fix on my part.

MC maybe be done with but battle in one form or another is fairly common -Coryn) We also do not know how it

could take two of our mods from us. This thing is like nothing we have seen before. You are our last resort to

save Manga Raiders City."

     After that we were told to stay alert, and that we will start the search for this thing tomorrow. The only

thing that could have made the slightest noise when leaving would had been crickets. Because to be frank,

everybody was terrified. Nothing like this had ever happened before. Most of use probably thought that this

couldn't happen, and was hoping this was a nightmare. What ever it is doesn't care what it is taken, spam

ninja or member. What could do this? The admins can’t even figure out that, and we’re supposed to stop this?

How?...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So, I can by no means guarantee that I fixed everything. Probably missed a few tense issues. But I want you to compare all three versions and make note of what changes each time. Even if you only manage to correct a few of your habits, you'll still be better than you were, and that's what counts. Slow, steady improvement.

PS: One of your common spelling mistakes was "use" in place of "us". See the definitions for both.

http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/use
http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/us

Hope this all helped. And for the record: I will not be doing this rewrite thing again. All on you from here on out.

Will review stories upon request. My latest arc: http://goo.gl/KYgsfF