September 16, 2019, 08:51:45 PM


If you have Login Problems Use the Login in Top Menu Bar

If you have a problem registering here, Leave a msg at our FB Page >> Here.

Plz Don't use Hotmail to Register. You might not receive Activation mail. Use Other free mail provider like Gmail or Yahoo.

Author Topic: A short story  (Read 718 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline Nyxy

  • Disciple of the Muses
  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 426
  • Gender: Female
  • I write what I imagine.
    • View Profile
A short story
« on: January 11, 2012, 07:34:07 PM »

“I collect such pretty things, things you cannot see. Hearts and souls bound together by roses all near and dear to me. If I find you’re pretty enough, your heart soon shall be locked.  Accept my gift for no one resists the power of my box.”


Keigo Ohmiya was on his way home after practice, he took his normal route heading down Ashbury road. The climate seemed pleasant many people walking about without jackets or coats though it was only spring.  As he crossed the main intersection a strange girl dressed in Gothic Lolita clothes crossed at the opposite section of the road. At first it looked  as if she was just passing him by.  But suddenly she turned and called to him


Keigo turned and stared at her, the girl truly stood out in the costume he wondered if she was off to cosplay, or if it was her normal wear.  She wore black platform Mary Jane’s, her tights were grey with pink stripes.  Her skirt was layered black silk topped with rose printed lace, with a ruffled pink petticoat underneath. She had on a black velvet short coat with white laced sleeves that poured from the cuffs.  Around her neck a pink bow with black lace trim.  Keigo caught a slight glimpse of a black laced bra his face blushed and he looked up politely.

Her eyes caught his attention they seemed pinkish red, Keigo thought it was possibly contact lenses. They made her pupils seem larger than a normal persons but not unattractively so. Her hair was a mass of soft platinum curls adorned with black rose hair clips pulling it up and away from her face and a large bow holding it in a partial bun at the top of her head. Compared him in his fitted jeans and short sleeved t-shirt with his lucky number nine on the left pocket he felt under dressed in her presence. The atmosphere around them was strange, even though she stood out with her attire people passed them by heading to their own personal destinations.   

Keigo studied her waiting for the reason she stopped him. While he thought she was kind of cute, he felt her skin too pale for his taste. Compared to the type of girls he mainly found attractive she was definitely the polar opposite. He preferred them, tanned and refined, long dark hair, slim body. That was the perfect woman for Keigo, in fact his latest girlfriend a fellow student fit the bill just nice. A girl like this stopping him on a busy street would never be one he would take seriously.  The girl smiles at him catching him off guard her eyes seemed to twinkle,

“I have a token for you, my beloved.”

She addressed him, Keigo stared in shock by her declaration of love and her gift. The box itself seemed strange enough; it was wrapped in a grey silken cloth that had black lace cut out heart patterns stapled to it.  The top lid held a fancy black bow that resembled the lace petticoat of the girl’s strange attire.  She handed it to him once again calling him her beloved and walked away. Keigo frowned calling after her

"Hey I don't really want,"

But she was gone before he could finish disappearing into a sea of pedestrians.  Keigo stares at the box something about it unnerved him. Perhaps it was the forward way she approached him? Or the strange Gothic girly decor of her present to him? He should throw it away; Keigo pondered doing so as he continued his way home. Carrying it up his street he felt dumb for keeping it, yet did not have the heart to just trash it.  As he got to his apartment he saw a dumpster he could have tossed it into but walked up the stairs and headed inside.

"Well I guess I can get rid of it later."

He surmised then sat it on his coffee table.   It sat there all night he mostly ignored it letting it sit there unopened.  By morning he readied himself for class. He was a third year student at the University and star on their baseball team. He had plans on making a name for himself maybe even going overseas and playing professionally. Many said he had what it took to do so and Keigo often daydreamed about it. After showering and shaving he pulled on his casual attire and was about to make his way out. He paused as he noticed the box again something seemed off. He suddenly felt the need to watch over the box. Keigo sat down on the couch in front of the box and watched it. A cold chill went down his spine as a sound came from the box. At first he thought he was hearing things but the sound grew. It was a soft girlish voice singing to him.

"Open up me up and you will find the secret to your heart inside. It's no use you cannot flee. Soon your love belongs to me."

This was followed by giggling. Keigo freaked out and tried to get away.  He got as far as down the block before he was compelled to return. After that the box did not sing but its mere presence had an affect on Keigo.  He did not wish to do much of anything outside of watch it fighting an inner battle between wanting to be rid of it and answering the seductive caress of its beckoning to open it.  He ate in front of it, then paced. He curled up on the couch staring at it but still refused to open it.

Two days pass and he had yet to open the strange package. Keigo walked back and forth pacing in his living room floor, his eyes holding a look of wariness and slight madness.

"I won't open it no matter how tempting."

"yes you will"

It seemed to giggle at him again. This time he heard distinct laughter teasing him mocking his resolve

"you will open me"

The box taunts  him,  he grunts in frustration;

“What kind of weird person just gives you a box on the street anyway?”

He frowns at it again, by now he was definitely afraid to touch it. He kept replaying their meeting in his mind. Her smile he remembered the smile on her face, the girl seemed so happy to give him the gift but why? He did not know her, she did not seem to be anyone that his friends would know either. Though a star athlete at school Keigo rarely paid any mind to those not in his circle of friends. This girl with her flashy clothes would have stood out though. What was her angle?

Keigo knew he was a looker; he was tall and lean from playing ball all the time and wore his blonde hair in wavy cut that gave him a playful boyish look. Many girls tried to approach him; he had received many tokens of affections from notes to baked goods. It had been that way since high school. Many said the same things they loved his hair or his sincere eyes. Girls were predictable to him. Keigo figured this girl had to be a groupie from his games, but why did she disappear after giving him such a strange box? None of the situation made any sense to him, he only knew that something from that box kept called to him. And it frightened him yet tempted him at the same time. He runs a hand threw his hair in frustration then paces again

“It will be night fall soon”

he mutters staring at the box again.

"Pick it up throw it out!"

He yells at himself but continues to stare. The sun was setting and a shadow cast over head made him shiver. He sighs getting up and going out to get a tea. At the machine the urge to get back to his place overwhelmed him. Rushing back drink in hand he went back to the couch and sat staring. His phone rang the instant message picking up.

"Keigo you missed a few days of class, do you need me to bring you notes? Call me its Ayane." 

He ignored the message staring at the box. The sun had finally set and darkness filled the room save the street light which seemed to eerily focus on his gift. The box in that light took on a sinister quality shadows seemed to rise from it the decor looked more velvet now then silk.

"Open me Keigo"

The thought sounded clearly spoken this time. He shivered reaching his hand out then pulling back.


He turned away.

"Please Keigo open me."

He shivered staring at the box again

"my resolve"

he said softly before standing up he leaned down pulling the top from the box and looking inside.


Those were the last words Keigo uttered before disappearing.  When Ayane and a few of his friend stopped by out of concern the next day, the door was unlocked.  The apartment was seemingly intact, save a trail of black lace heart cut outs that started from the living room table towards the door.


"I knew you would accept my love darling."

The girl sighed happily as she walked down the street then began to softly sing;
“Inside my box your heart was claimed and never will we part again. Have no fear you cannot flee.  All your love belongs to me.” 

She smiled looking into the opened box.  Inside a doll like Keigo laid on its side, a look of horror across his face. Next to him were several others all their faces twisted in shocked horror, they had become her beloved and would be with her always.


Wrote this when I was in a dark mood after my marriage ended thought how fun it be if a witch went around making men her dolls hope you enjoy reading it.

**Re edited with tips hope its easier to read can't seem to format my text right though trying to do so.**
« Last Edit: January 12, 2012, 01:03:03 AM by Nyxy »
In my mind there are thousands of stories all waiting to be told to others. Tune in the the MR Cast for all things Manga Raiders.

Offline Coryn

  • Director of the MR Science Division
  • Global Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 20646
  • Gender: Male
  • Secretly a 13 year old girl.
    • View Profile
Re: A short story
« Reply #1 on: January 11, 2012, 08:37:31 PM »
interesting concept. story is solid. few logistical things.

Pacing: The story moves pretty fast. I understand it's a short story and you do cover a few days but it still needs to flow better. more than anything. and i stress YOU NEED PARAGRAPHS. they help break up the story and give the reader's eyes a break.

Tense: You're still switching between past and present. Even if it's something you've finished already. Go back and fix it up. This applies for all issues. It's things like this that help you be better in the future.

Details: I'm always a fan of doing a lot of details. But you might have gone a little bit overboard, specially with the witch. And especially since this is a short story, you don't need too much. Learn to use "blanket words" you said lolita early in the description. which really is for the most part all you needed to say for a story of this length. Though at times you have details that serve no purpose. With the witch you at least have them describing a major character. But the girlfriend, it's not needed to know what she looks like. if you wanted the audience to know that the two girls clash, that's pretty much exactly all you should say.

Will review stories upon request. My latest arc:

Offline Robs_ugly_artwork

  • Here one second, gone the next... *poof* Ninja vanish
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2050
  • Gender: Male
  • Planting the Seeds of Destruction...
    • View Profile
Re: A short story
« Reply #2 on: January 11, 2012, 09:07:28 PM »
Ohh, I so wanna read this but, the giant text wall is holding me back!  :( .. Please break it up into some nice readable paragraphs. Thank you.
Judge a person NOT by their weakness.. but, by their strength.