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Author Topic: Coryn's Saga Arc 3  (Read 11325 times)

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Offline legomaestro

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Re: Coryn's Saga Arc 3
« Reply #120 on: April 14, 2018, 08:34:08 PM »
Review for Old Scars into Open Wounds
OLD SCARS INTO OPEN WOUNDS


0. Why is the song so awesome? You know what, new rule: Thou shalt not post a story without an accompanying song. You've got goodish  taste in music in general but this song has definitely enhanced the experience for reading this chapter Coryn.



1. Between the four of them, Colt, Coryn, Jack, and October had led what could be described as

long and eventful lives. In all this time, they had each encountered, been a part of, or otherwise

witnessed many events that could be classified as ‘miracles’. The definition of what constituted a

miracle changed of course. Certain species would classify flying as a miracle, but such a

classification would make little sense to a people born with wings. Because of this, miracles

depend entirely upon the observer to determine whether they deserve the distinction. Despite this

limitation, it can be universally agreed upon that resurrection from the dead will classify as a

miracle in almost every case.


* Something missing between 'What consituted a miracle' sentence and 'certain species'. If you put a minor story of evolution that builds up and leads to the word 'species' the awe at flight would be more pronounced, especially if you threw an aloof example in the middle of the text e.g Rasputin or something or if you glided at least over the fact that October is not even human (anymore? I don't remember if she's an original vamp or not)



2. Some universes have special attributes which make resurrection less of hurdle of course.

But even in these rare places, bringing one’s self back from the dead is no Sunday drive.

- Good to know that there are still rules out there.



3. Now, the oncoming storm clouds



took on an ominous tone they had not possessed just a few minutes earlier.
- Better written with a forward flowing sense of time rather than revisionary e.g 'clouds rolled over the sky. They gradually took on an ominous tone. OR e.g the gray clouds that floated about gradually took on an ominous tone they had not possessed just a few minutes earlier.




4. Naomi’s arms snapped to her sides as Eva’s strings closed around her midsection. She

cocked her head back to see an arrow of yellow energy pointed squarely at her back. “Don’t

make a move.” Said Camarin. Whether Naomi would try to return to Shiro’s side or not, she

wasn’t going to be given the chance.

- Dun dun dun



5.
  Coryn’s sword fell lightly at his side, and his piercing eyes bored straight into Shiro. It

was without doubt Shiro’s energy that he felt, but there was something wrong to it. He felt like it

was coming from far off, like his body had come ahead of his soul. The feeling was deeply

unnerving, but none of the Five were intending to let Shiro live long enough to find out what was

producing that notion.

- Why, just why do they still want to murder him. Seriously The Five are more lenient to eachother than Shiro. Like he freaked out ONE time. Are you telling me that any of the others have managed to be immortal without screwing over something badly?




6. Blades of ice and steel came at him from above and below, but a twist of the chain sent

his own blades on intercept courses.

- So Kubo Tite. Epic action stuff as always.



7. Coryn spun a kick into Shiro’s side

while he was occupied holding the blade back. The blonde would have to worry about how Shiro

had known what he was doing later.

- Funny, almost never seen Coryn never having the right words to say.



8. Shiro broke free of the ground, but the ice which had encased his lower leg remained, and forced his movements into and awkward cadence.

- For once in my life I read an anime story where the ice guy doesn't just make refridgerator ice that doesn't do anything really damaging or helpful. Jack is proving to be useful in cool ways, man.




9.  Call it petty revenge if you want, but I had

time to kill! You may have stopped my attempt to destroy the Kurousen, but the God War has

broken out, and you sure as hell can’t put a stop to that yourselves!” He let the blade fly loose.

- Man God Wars don't sound like anything fun or even reasonable... Things are hitting the fan I see.


10. “You make me so sad Coryn. You can’t see the bigger

picture of things.”

- Can you please first explain yh




11.  “You four are the first to bear witness to my prophesy. Before I am through, you will lay

dead upon these stones.”

- Just need to comment that the song really goes in at this point. (And several other points in the chapter but yeah here it happened to reach the crescendo and it was so damn cinematic you have no idea)




12.   It was on the tip of his tongue, but Coryn’s concentration was broken when Shiro noticed

his gaze. Suddenly the air was cut off from Coryn’s lungs. His windpipe collapsed inwards as a

great pressure was applied to it.

- One of the first times that I legit almost felt the pain that Coryn or other immortals felt. The whole passage including this sudden twist gave me a visceral taste of the actual pain and action involved in being an immortal fighter (other than Shiros death in CS 2). So if you know how you wrote this passage, repeat this sort of thing and spread this mojo because it definitely hits.




13. The traitor writhed in pain, but as he fell to

his knees, something even more remarkable occurred. Coryn’s energy traveled out from Shiro’s

body, soaring off in tight bands in all directions. It was as if Shiro was being tethered by reality

itself. Some strands disappeared straight into the ground below him, others were lost in the sky

above.


- I've watched enough anime to understand that white energy flows out of Shiro as he loses it, but you assumed that everyone knew what Coryn's energy looked like - is it electric, like water? Is it fast or slow? What is Shiro doing as these currents emanate from him?




14. “Shiro…you haven’t resurrected yourself at all. You’re still dead.”

Shiro looked up at him with distain. He tested out his restored limb as he spoke.


- Dammit I don't even know what's happening here. Is this some DBZ permanent death stuff? If yes then Shiro was madder than I thought. Die man. The afterlife is better than the neverlife.


15. “And baby, there ain’t no way I’m letting that happen!”

- Man there's gotta be a wicked song for this part of the story at least. Although tbh the themesong has still been pretty good so far so yeah.


16.    Jack and Coryn came at him at once. Shiro let himself fall back as Jack swung a newly

formed blade at him. His palms hit the cold stone and he pulled up into a flip as Coryn stabbed

out to spear him. The tip of Coryn’s sword skirted past its target as Shiro twisted, and was

knocked clean of its owner’s grasp as the glowing chain whipped back around and caught

Coryn from the side. Coryn had slid across the courtyard and slammed into the castle wall by the

time Shiro completed his maneuver. Shiro turned his head up and expected to see Jack suffer the

same fate, but was caught at a disadvantage when Jack snapped Coryn’s blade from the air, and

with his own ice saber, met Shiro’s energy-form with both weapons. The white energy was

cleaved through, and Jack turned to his opponent.


- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EieA3KIykjg
I accidentally started listening to this song at this section, and it doesn't fit at all, but for this session it was awesome 'I ain't in no hurry, you go run and tell your friends you're losing touch, fill your friends with rumours of impeding doom'. I imagined it perfectly. Like I saw a Tarantino esque  scene where Shiro is twisting and turning fighting all of The Five and everyone is reacting like the Power Rangers do (With all those small boxes showing their faces in some moments and all their exagarrated reactions when they're attacked)

Guh, never mind.



17. For a moment it was unclear who would win the contest, but Jack had made a

mistake. In his inexperience with the weapons, he had not gotten close enough to Shiro.

- Dammit. Ice guys always lose afterall.


18. This time, Shiro did not have the opportunity to defend

himself with enix, and resorted to blocking October’s rain of blows with his bare flesh.

- Does enix take long to form or was it a matter of resources as in he had already used it to defend against others?


19. With no other recourse, Shiro took a gamble. He

concentrated as much energy as he could just above his solar plexus.

- Did Shiro seriously think he could take everybody on? If even one of his attacks could get blocked then what the hell is he doing? He risked so much, and he's going to get his ass kicked again.  That's not to say that he doesn't deserve it, though. He's shown zero concern or interest for his subordinates so yeah please get beaten in an embarrasing manner.


20. The pair paused for just a moment. Camarin spoke a few words, and together, they

sped off towards the recovering Shiro.

- Idiots...


21.   When the chaos had ended, and Shiro offered to let them serve as

his guard, Alexis had said much of the same as Naomi just had. There was no other hope for

their lives, and when it had come time for Naomi to decide for the group, she had taken the same

path. “He’ll kill us all, either way…”

- Wait a goshdarned minute they were beinge stockholmed the entire time? I thought they joined for a reason! Either nega-morals are weird as heck, or I've got to reexamine how much I feel sorry for Shiro's subordinates.

22. Even if Alexis had been brainwashed and raped.


....

....

.... wut.

... Wow, just wow.

... *censored* Shiro.




23.    Naomi forced her foot to get back flat against the ground. As she pushed herself back up,

her black katana formed itself in her hand. As she straightened her back, she caught fire. Scarlet

energy roared around Naomi, and as she dropped into a rushing stance, she concentrated every

inch of it into her blade.


- I-ke, Naomi!



24.  Red fire fueled her

speed, and like a rocket, she closed in.


 - I- KEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEH



25.  “I’m going to end you, Shiro!”

- End him.



26. . He blade was already in motion.

***her


27. But try as she might, Naomi

could not match Shiro’s speed.

- dammit


28. The blade had been melted all the way down, and only the half-charred hilt

remained.


-Chikuso



29.  The madman glared at him for

just and instant, and disappeared in a flash of white.



- COWARD



30.  Coryn did not meet her directly. Instead, he waved the ruined grip in October’s direction,

and started to wander towards the castle gates. October followed quickly after him, and together,

they arrived at the grand doors. Together, they pushed them open, and let in the rain.


- Surprisingly cinematic scene. Totally heard that deluge of rain as the gates opened...


31. Before them,

laying crumpled at the base of the ruined woodcut of Amaterasu, was the burnt form of Naomi

Amano. No movement remained. There she rested, blackened, and still.


- Man, *censored* you Shiro



General Thoughts



- Weird. You've got this thing where you describe actions in a reviewer's voice - they've already happend but you explain how they end up i.e like I said on comment 3. Personally it feels weird to read, especially because I've seen you do more staccatto direct action in stuff like Mortal Combat, but the nature of the chapter made this style of yours quite fitting, so to be honest ignore everything I ever say on that front (I think I mentioned the same on the Bleach fan fic review somewhere, so yeah) This might be something of your own style that you need to nurture rather than avoid.

I hope sincerely that Shiro was always this bad of an asshole. If you turned him into this rape allowing creature of the night because I felt sympathy for his disembowlent then CHEAP MOVE DUDE. But yeah, otherwise I pretty much do want him to end. Bastard has no redeeming qualities anymore.

I wish The Five would talk to eachother more. I assumed when I first got into CS that ther'd be at least fan art or fan fiction or background stories that'd flesh out the relationship between The Five, but the more I read the more I notice that it'll be necessary for this merry group of immortals who've already had every possible emotional drunken party of honesty with eachother to set aside all small talk to deal with the very real threats that confront them in this concluding volume of CS. I don't know how you could swing it, but it'd seriously be nice to have more hints at The Fives' backstories somehow somewhere.

Otherwise it was a pretty fun chapter. And now I think you don't quite need to read more novels, you need to see more television! Or anime. I  mean hell yeah for language you'll get what you need from reading legit prose works, but I don't think anything can give you passion for finishing your story other than imagining it on the big screen or absorbing inspiration from that source. I suggest this very subjectively because I'm rewatching Kill Bill, and it's the first time I've rewatched an old school classic like ever, and now I know the appeal: There is merit to rewatching old classics. It's like doing repetitions (e.g pushups) for the creative brain.


So thankful for a new chapter dude, and so soon! I thought I'd need to be reading this ages later. Good stuff. Keep at it, and cheers!



Offline Coryn

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Re: Coryn's Saga Arc 3
« Reply #121 on: April 14, 2018, 10:37:52 PM »
0. Oops. This may be the wrong time to mention that you weren't supposed to click on the song until after reading the chapter. But if you liked reading to it, all the better. I don't know, I guess I've always preferred to keep song postings out of CS, despite using them almost every where else.

1. I definitely  could have expanded that more, but I was in a rush to get to the fight. Apologies.

October is a born vamp, but it's necessary to expand the scope of who is and who is not 'human' when you get into territory like this.

2. Always rules, even if they don't seem apparent from a real world perspective.

3. The storm clouds we're unfortunately added in towards the end of the chapter when I realized I wanted the storm for the last scene. So I get where this is coming from.

4. Indeed.

5. There's a difference between a single freak out or mistake and straight up turning evil demigod and rampaging across the universe for a couple millennia. Like I've been saying all along: Shiro became an evil *censored* bro.

6. Thanks.

7. Part of this Arc is definitely about fixing mistakes of the past. Mine, specifically. Coryn never came across quite the way I wanted him to. Sure, he's flippant and all that, bit I never wanted him to be some ubermensch who's always on the ball with everything. So apologies if anything you read in this Arc feels slightly like a retcon. (It totally is maybe kinda) although I promise there won't be plot changing consequences. (This is why I always vowed to start over from the beginning when I finished this Arc)

8. Remember that sentiment in a few comments time. Also remember how you said it last time. Jack is valid in all ways. This just wasn't a good day for anyone.

9. Nope. Bad times for all.

10. I think you forgot to finish this one...

11. Again, really glad this worked out, although unintentionally.

12. I'm trying to be more visceral with the combat. Bleach style is good for big, showey scenes, but I've found I really like it when you can feel the pain as a reader.

13. This goes back to my earlier 'sins of the past' comment. I fall so often into the pitfall of assuming anime knowledge. So I need to get a better vocabulary for how these things look. Especially because I do want the movements of energy to differ between characters and points in time. I guess it's fair to say that I always want the motion of enix to match the emotion of the character in that moment. I do after all refer to a person's enix as their life force in a way. So to me it makes sense to tie it directly to their hearts.

14. I recognized this problem while writing, but didn't know how to fix it properly (you don't want to read the first draft on this bit). But in essence, what Shiro is doing is essentially making a marionette of his own body. He's stretched out his soul until he could grab it, but he's still like, totally dead, and now really *censored*ed up because his soul has been spaghettified as well. But as I tried to get across in the beginning, while death can be escaped, it's not easy, and it's certainly not what Shiro has done. It's like trying to reach the remote from your bed, not wanting to actually leave bed, and then getting stuck on the floor with one foot in bed and a hand on the remote.

15/16. Yeah something like that. I was at least trying to be cinematic there.

17. Refer to above comment.

18. Yes and yes. More juice takes longer to build up, and you can't build up any if there's no gas in the tank.

19. Shiro... is not well.

20. Brave idiots.

21. They were coerced, although it's not like their ideologies didn't match up somewhat. But to put a button on the rest of that relationship: Nega-girls are evil, but they had a personal code. Shiro is just plain evil without regard and can't feel emotional connections with other beings but himself.

22. I've been saying that *censored* for years. Although don't think of this as like, an attack on the street sort of situation. More like the abusive partner thing with an incredibly off kilter power balance.

23-25. I'm glad you're feeling it.

26. Oops.

27-29. I mean there was really only one way this was going to end.

30. Thanks.

31. Glad you're finally on board.



Wrap up: yeah, I'm working on that style thing. 'legit prose' as you say has finally taken root in me. Although I do want to draw a balance between the stucato stuff and what you're describing, although to be honest, I can't really see it in there personally. It's just how I've naturally developed as a writer after all. It's in the DNA somewhere, so I'd better nurse it, otherwise exorcising it shall be mighty troublesome.

I get what you mean about the Five interacting, and I take that back to my writing wrongs comment (get it? Badum tish. *Is violently pulled off stage). I swear I shall make them into the immortal buddies I've always wanted them to be. But I can't swear Shiro was always evil. We've already established that he wasn't.


As for getting this one out quickly, well... well maybe like, come back in a week's time for the next chapter? Cause it's like... already written and just needs editing.

Will review stories upon request. My latest arc: http://goo.gl/KYgsfF

Offline legomaestro

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Re: Coryn's Saga Arc 3
« Reply #122 on: April 15, 2018, 11:43:29 AM »
What the hell did you eat man? You haven't done two chapters in a year in ages ye bastard. Looking forward to it. Because I'm pretty much done nitpicking at your writing style I think I'll just look for typos and grammos and say which parts worked for me... Along the usual questions.





Ah, 10 was 10. “You make me so sad Coryn. You can’t see the bigger

picture of things.”

- Can you please first explain how you're still alive?

What was naturally already answered.


P.S that writing wrongs pun was abomnible... I'll steal it.

Offline Coryn

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Re: Coryn's Saga Arc 3
« Reply #123 on: April 15, 2018, 03:10:38 PM »
Technically it'll be the fourth chapter released this year. I'm really steam rolling it. (We'd be farther if I didn't have so many other stories I'm working on right now too...)

Will review stories upon request. My latest arc: http://goo.gl/KYgsfF

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Re: Coryn's Saga Arc 3
« Reply #124 on: June 10, 2018, 05:28:28 PM »
And here it is. A little later than anticipated, but life led me to taking a few weeks off writing progress. Anyhow, this kicks off the next round of story postings. And the next CS chapter is already 60ish% done, so we're well on our way to the next release period.

(I'm also hoping this chapter reads a little better on mobile. I remixed my formatting a little bit, so I'm no longer jerry-rigging my paragraph spacing. It's been a hold over from the early days (hello there microsoft word 1995). So let me know how it holds up on your end.)


MARTIAN DREAMERS

MARTIAN DREAMERS

It was, by a rough consensus, their third night out on the dunes of Mars. Coryn had sworn he had marked the position of Phobos when they first arrived. Colt argued that it had actually been Deimos which had been in the sky. October didn’t know which was which off hand, so argued that they both could have been right. Jack had still been asleep at the time, and so did not cast a vote. Shiro, on the other hand, simply offered that it felt like they had slept for roughly two days. So, while it was still a rough consensus, it could still be called a consensus. The group agreed to this much, woke Jack, and went about making the place a little more comfortable for themselves.

   Coryn half walked, half slid down the red dune before him. He had lost track of his coat and shoes hours ago, so sand squeezed up between his toes with every step. Sometimes he would discover an open pocket just below the surface, which would lead to his foot plunging deep into the sand, and he could feel a collection of dust growing in his rolled-up pant legs. Still, his forward momentum continued. October clung drunkenly to his arm. At first, he had accepted her offers to hold his beer while they made the more treacherous maneuvers, but it seemed she was deducting a tax each time he let the bottle leave his hand. While annoying, it was easily remedied. Behind them stretched a trail of empty brown bottles, and between them and that trail, treaded Jack. He had hoisted the cooler onto his back, and was slurring a jaunty tune as he hiked along. More than once on their trek, he had compared the sand dunes to snow dunes. October and Coryn weren’t convinced it was a perfect parallel, but their fair-haired friend seemed unbothered, so they left him to his own beer slinging devices.
   It was a good thing too, that they were all pitching in to the path back. Only after a mile out, had they realized that they hadn’t told Shiro and Colt which direction they were headed in. Or, for a matter of fact, that they were leaving their little base camp at all. The two were engaged in some alcohol inspired play-wrestling at the time, and the trio told themselves it would have been a shame to have broken up the fun. But, they had taken the supply of cold beverages with them, so it could only be a matter of time before Colt and Shiro sprinted after them. Until then, the three gathered weren’t going to be ashamed of finishing off the cooler themselves. It wasn’t their turn to make a beer run, (it was Colt’s), and if he didn’t make the effort to help himself before that, it was his own loss. Although it would be everyone’s loss if he used it as a pretext not to bring snacks back for the rest of them.
   It was doubtful though, that a lack of snacks, or temporary lapse in the alcohol supply would dampen their spirits. Three days earlier, they had survived the fight of their lives, been completely drained of energy, and passed out on the nearest soft surface. In this case, that happened to be a version of Mars from an unknown dimension, well short of their actual destination. Above all however, it had marked the first time the five of them had ever cooperated as a group. They had all met one another at some time or the other. Primarily through hanging around Coryn, but separately on occasion as well. In this instance however, they had each gathered to fight a common enemy. Despite themselves, they found that they had each enjoyed the experience immensely. The life of the traveling immortal will often be a lonely existence, but here they had each found people who they could count on. Not only to fight by their sides, but to be alive they next time they needed an alley, or just a friend. For the first time, each of these disparate individuals found themselves friends who they could share in, and enjoy a life without end with. This was not a conclusion they had reached immediately, but eight hours of ceaseless carousing has a way of putting things in context.
   They crested another dune, and Coryn shook off October so he could make his way back down the side they had just come up. “Keep going. Bathroom.” Jack danced around Coryn as they passed, still singing to no one but himself but for that brief exchange, and Coryn snatched a fresh refreshment from the cooler. As his friends passed out of sight, Coryn turned to the side, unzipped his fly, and let nature take its course. While he relieved himself, he looked into the night sky above, and located the pale blue dot which signified Earth. “Dear…Earth scientists. Please disregard the local atmospheric anomaly on the planet of Mars. It’s just that our beer kept evaporating, and it was like…really cold…and…” Coryn’s thought process trailed off into silence as he finished up. He began to push back up the rise, but before he had taken five steps, October’s voice rang out over the desert.
   “Coryn! Get your ass up here! We found it!”
   Sure enough, as Coryn caught up to the pair, he saw their target. An exploration rover was picking its way across the sand at a little less than the speed of a snail. Jack had plopped the cooler into the sands, and had turned it in to a makeshift chair. October meanwhile, was bothering the robot. She poked and prodded it, testing out each surface and material. Coryn was surprised she hadn’t already accidentally ruined it. The camera ‘eyes’ of the machine were tracking her movements the best they could. While Coryn didn’t know what time it was back on Earth, he could only imagine some poor, unpaid intern freaking out in a lonely control room during the nightshift. By the time Coryn reached her, October had already resorted to making faces and rude gestures to the rover. It turned to look at him, and for an expressionless robot, Coryn imagined he could see a look that said: ‘please help me’ on its rectangle of a face. Coryn shrugged at the machine, and moved over next to October. “I just said I wanted to see it, not that I wanted you to punch it.”
   Her face was the picture of indignance. “I didn’t punch it! I just, jabbed it a little! Besides, it doesn’t look any worse for wear.” Indeed, from the look of things, the robot looked like it had been through a few storms at least. Coryn suffered from a sudden bout of paranoia, and scanned the sky to make sure they weren’t about to be squashed as the poor rover’s replacement came crashing down on to their heads. October was not distracted however, and was now just staring into the camera’s oculus. “Do you think anyone’s watching us? Anyone human, I mean.”
   Coryn reflected back to the intern in his mind. “I think even if anyone is at the controls, they won’t get the signal for a few minutes.” He didn’t know for sure, but it sounded good.
   “Kiss me.” Said October.
   The order gave Coryn a start. October’s advances were usually in jest, but it seemed now that her drunkenness had led her to become deadly serious. Normally he would reject her out of hand, but his usual resilience to the technical existence of their marriage was muted by the drink. And besides, it was a night to celebrate. On tonight of all nights, he owed her that contract. Coryn grabbed ahold of his wife, pressed his lips against hers, and leaned in.
   In Coryn’s mind, the intern came to a stop, a bright red phone in one hand, a telecom radio in the other. Voices shouted frantic words out of them, but he could only watch on like it was one of the great romances of all time. After all, it wasn’t every day you could see two people who had managed to stay married after two-thousand years. Most people wondered how they could stay together for just fifty, Coryn imagined.
   The couple were then interrupted, by a much more concrete observer. Jack’s voice rang out from behind them. “Just so we’re clear. I am watching, and I find it disgusting!” He took another swig of beer before rolling his eyes, just in case his glibness was not completely apparent. October and Coryn broke apart, and Coryn shouted back at his friend.
   “Oh, don’t be shy Jack! Get over here, I’ll kiss you too! We can all be on the jumbotron down at the space center!”
   Jack dropped his bottle and clutched the area above his heart. He spoke with all the cheese of a freshman drama student. “Oh Coryn, I never knew that’s the way you felt about me! I’m coming dearest! Take me into your arms!”
   Coryn replied in kind. “Of course, Jack! Where would I ever be without you!” The pair began to run in fake slow motion towards each other, or perhaps standard drunken motion, but were interrupted as a dark figure crashed into the desert between them. In the resulting sand spray, Coryn was caught by surprise as an arm wrapped around his neck, and took him to the ground. He felt himself sliding down the dune, and by the time the dust cleared, it was clear who the culprits were. Shiro and Colt had finally caught up, and had decided it was the perfect time to give their friends a scare. As it conspired, all five of them were now in a tangled bunch which had come to rest about halfway down the hill of sand. Colt and Shiro were laughing so contagiously that it eventually spread to the other three, and for a time, they simply convulsed on the ground together. Slowly, the laughter petered out, and they rearranged to be a little more comfortable. They took a moment to just catch their breath, and then enjoyed the silence. After a minute of just enjoying the peace with each other, Jack spoke. “Y’know guys, I’ve really had a good time with everyone this last week.” A general agreement went up, and the group reflected on their adventure together. Tales were shared from different perspectives. It was argued who saved who, who actually needed saving, and who ‘had it totally under control, honest’. Finally, when there was a break in the conversation, Shiro said what everyone had in the back of their minds.
   “If it’s cool with everyone, I think we should make this official.”
   Colt cocked his head up. “What exactly are you proposing Shiro?”
   “Well…” Said Shiro. “I was thinking that we should…I don’t know. Make a pact, I guess? We should agree to keep being comrades, and always come to help each other when they need it. I just-” He was interrupted by his own burp, but October went on to finish the thought for him.
   “I was thinking the same thing Shiro. We’re good together, we should keep it that way.”
   “Yeah. Thanks October. So, does anyone disagree?”
   October squeezed Shiro’s arm to show her appreciation. Once more they fell into silence. There were no sounds of disapproval. Instead, they only pulled themselves in closer. The decision understood, Coryn spoke up, his tone clearly jocular. “Alright then, we’ll need a name. I won’t be part of a group if we don’t have something awesome to call ourselves!”
   “The…Magnificent…Something?” Offered Jack.
   “Unfinished thoughts don’t count.”
   “The Colton Lynch Gang?” Presented Colt.
   “No.” Replied everyone else.
   “The Faceless Ones?”
   “Sounds too sinister.”
   “White Roses?”
   “What does that even mean?”
   “White Snake?”
   “That’s a band! And they’ll probably sue us.”
   “The Protectorate?”
   “Closer, but a bit high-handed, isn’t it?”
   “The Rolling Stones?”
   “Also, a band…”
   “Bad Ass Mother *censored*ers?”
   “I like it, but I think it goes without saying.”
   “The…Eternals?”
   Again, they fell to silence. Together, the five of them stared up at the stars. They sparkled so incredibly brightly on that world without lights, and the immortals on the surface below felt at once unending and insignificant against them. Finally, someone spoke. “Let’s call ourselves the Eternal Five. After all, we aren’t just going to live forever. We’re going to do it together.”

   Coryn racked his memory to recall who had said those words. No matter how hard he tried, he could not place a name to it. Time had obscured the details, and now what remained was drawing distant from his conscious mind. He came back to himself, and remembered he was sitting on the roof of Amaterasu Castle, back in the universe where it still bustled with life. Far below in the garden, a voice was calling up to him, breaking him out of his reverie. Coryn eased himself down to the roof’s edge. From there, he saw Jack standing on the cool stone. His friend gave Coryn a quizzical look, let the question pass from his mind, and delivered his message.
   “She’s waking up.”





Spoilerrific Author Notes
So, this is something of an attempt to rectify some sins of the past (as discussed in previous posts). In the beginning, I only conceived of the Five as being these, immortal friends who team up to fight big bads kind of group. And that concept really hasn't changed on a surface level, but through nearly a decade of emotional maturity and life experience, I've come to the realization that my high school definition of each of them really wasn't up to snuff. So don't think of this as a retcon of any previous work, but more like a reestablishment of what they mean to each other. They're not just some school clique, but it's more like, they are each, each other's soul mate in a way. Every one of them has met countless people throughout their lives, but ultimately the other members of the Five are the people they would like to spend the rest of eternity with if they could. They share a bond that can only be discovered and forged after living an immortal life. It's the platonic ideal of a bond between people, and it's something they could only find in four others after untold millennia of traveling and meeting people.

So yeah, that's kind of the reasoning behind this chapter, and I took the opportunity to show when they all got together on this Eternal Five thing. Hopefully it reads nice and warm like I intended it to.

Will review stories upon request. My latest arc: http://goo.gl/KYgsfF

Offline legomaestro

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Re: Coryn's Saga Arc 3
« Reply #125 on: June 10, 2018, 05:49:20 PM »
Solid chapter here!  Totally doesn't fall under the classification but I'd say 'A beach episode done right' is the feeling I get from it. The camaradie is quite legit. Also lucky Coryn with a vampire bride. I do have sympathy for whatever intern has to explain.

It did feel wall-of-texty? But the paragraphing is well done so there's no confusion there. It's just really compact. I'll check it out on mobile so it might look better there. And I'm all for this formatting style anyways. Saves paper when printed haha.

I suppose I should've asked a long time ago but do they breathe in space? What prevents them from being horribly deaded by walking on the surface of Mars do they have a Green Lantern esque layer of power protecting them or are they like Superbeings ala Goku and Superman who don't really need to worry about such things?

Also, would piss be liquid or evaporate?

Really was a fun chapter to read, and I risked the spoilerific author notes and yeah seems legit. Also, it makes things sadder for how things turned out with Shiro and all. 

Offline Coryn

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Re: Coryn's Saga Arc 3
« Reply #126 on: June 10, 2018, 07:01:56 PM »
'A bleach episode done right" is the highest praise you have ever given me Lego. Thank you!

I didn't double space once I posted it here, so I can see where you're coming from. It didn't completely destroy itself on mobile though (at least from here) so maybe that's a sacrifice worth making. Then again, I didn't make a lot of perspective shifts this chapter, so I will consider more paragraph breaks when editing the next chapter, as I'm thinking it may have more of the same.

It's not a question I have ever come to a satisfying answer for. But I always assumed that they have a work around. I won't say they straight up don't need air, but let's say they can infinitely regenerate the air in their lungs or something. Ultimately the explanation isn't important how they survive in space, only that they can. Use "enix" as an excuse in the same way people use "magic".

They influenced the atmosphere to allow fluids to exist, so liquid (Science fact: the low levels on atmosphere on Mars cause any liquids to evaporate instantly) so they needed to mess around with it for the beer to stick around. Again, not important how, just that they did. Story telling! *Sparkle sparkle*

Don't go thinking I'd spoil future stuff. I just didn't want you reading it before the chapter. If I ever post something like that, it will be about the chapter I posted with it.

Got to make it sad, otherwise there's no point is there? Shiro could just be a random guy. Nah man. They're out there trying to bring justice to and for their friend, and it's not something any of them really want to do. 'sins of the past' strikes yet again (until I get around to the full rewrite)

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Re: Coryn's Saga Arc 3
« Reply #127 on: June 12, 2018, 09:14:01 AM »
You don't know how bad I want to read this right now...

But I gotta finish the first two arcs first, and I'm about halfway through the first one I think. The road is long, but I will walk the path nonetheless.

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Re: Coryn's Saga Arc 3
« Reply #128 on: June 12, 2018, 01:47:04 PM »
When did you even start that path? Honestly though, you can definitely knock out an arc faster than you might imagine. They aren't even full length novels the first two. (For reference, 3 is now longer than 1, and is rapidly closing in on 2's record)

Basically what I'm saying, is that it's only going to get worse from here on out.

But seriously, it would be swell to see someone besides Lego enjoying this.

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Re: Coryn's Saga Arc 3
« Reply #129 on: June 12, 2018, 03:32:07 PM »
I feel that side-eye on me, Coryn. I'll get to it eventually.

Offline Coryn

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Re: Coryn's Saga Arc 3
« Reply #130 on: June 12, 2018, 04:32:38 PM »
It is a side-eye of your own making. I wasn't even holding you in my mind in that moment. Perhaps you simply have a deep guilt you cannot avoid, buried deep in your soul? "Read Coryn's story." It seems to say.


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Re: Coryn's Saga Arc 3
« Reply #131 on: June 12, 2018, 06:48:02 PM »
On my part I don't do enough to force people to read CS. *Starts working on mass ad campaign*