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Author Topic: Coryn's Saga Arc 3  (Read 11252 times)

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Offline Coryn

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Re: Coryn's Saga Arc 3
« Reply #30 on: September 18, 2012, 03:10:38 PM »
yeh. that would probably help loads

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Offline Coryn

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Re: Coryn's Saga Arc 3
« Reply #31 on: September 24, 2012, 08:31:14 PM »
Oh what's that? A new chapter? Why yes, yes it is.

Switching gears yet again with this once. All of them, all of the gears.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t3217H8JppI&feature=related

WHEN ALONG COMES A SPIDER

Space: the greatest region of exploration known to every culture since the very first space faring

race stepped out into the cosmos. Its infinite waltz of light and energy, darkness and matter,

reaching into the very psyches of any creature with a brain complicated enough to look into the

unknown and wonder what lies beyond. Its vastness: mindboggling, so full, and yet so empty.

The shear existence of it is enough to destroy the mind of a lesser man attempting to understand

it. And in this vast dark vacuum of silent space, boomed Beethoven’s Symphony No. 9, in D

Minor.

   The small freighter floated high in Earth’s orbit, sailing silently though an otherwise

empty sky. Only the faintest of blue glows emanated from its beehive shaped engine, keeping

only the bare minimum of system running. It was the very picture of serenity, yet inside the craft

the universe was behaving in a far more hectic manner.


“What do you mean you can’t restore the gravity replicators?!”

   Jaska Baranski slammed into the wall of his ship for at least the 20th time in his attempt to

escape the engine room. As a man who appreciated the classics of the ancient composers it

wasn’t unlike himself to play a symphony or two while performing engine maintenance.

Unfortunately, it also meant he didn’t always hear when something went wrong, like the artificial

gravity shorting out for instance.

“It’s like I said. They’re completely fried.”

“How the hell does that even happen?!”

“Well it probably started when you bought the cheap pair of them off that junk peddler.”

   Jaska new the cold, metallic female voice was right of course. But growing up with a

stern father, and very little else to do during Siberian winters, had taught him that even if you

were wrong, you could win an argument if you outlasted your opponent.

“They were a hell of a deal at the time! How am I supposed to know when something is going to

break down anyways?!”

“Maybe actually take some time to learn about how your ship works?”

   She had cornered him. Jaska was never an expert when it came to most machines, and

truth be told he would have hired a mechanic long ago, though as it turned out Jaska was a bit

too cheap for that. In fact he had only come by his current companion by shear dumb luck. The

jury was still out on whether or not ‘luck’, or just plain old ‘dumb’ had more to do with the event however.

   Jaska had finally reached the engine room door and grabbed onto the ladder railing bolted

to each side of the corridors. Working his way down the hallway he followed a scenic path

towards the infirmary, not wanting to risk the far more direct but also wide open course through

the bay. Muttering under his breath he dodged a few hypodermic needles that had floated into the

hall.

“Human beings were not meant to exist in zero gravity.”

“You aren’t even human Jaska.”

“I grew up on Earth and look just like one! It’s close enough for what I said!”

   He was sure the secondary rebuttal amused her, but Jaska was far too concerned with

making it to the bridge and making sure the replicators couldn’t be knocked back online.

“Yes well, I can appreciate the fact you enjoy the 9.81 meters per second squared that you are

accustomed, but I know what you’re thinking, and let me be the first to tell you that the old

hammer and rubber band trick isn’t going to work. I’ve got every working sensor on this ship, of

which I remind you there are few, looking at the damn things. You’re just going to have to find a

new pair, and deal with the zero-G in the meantime.”

“Oh ye of little faith. How many times Alsace, how many times has that trick worked?”

“Jaska I-”

“How many times?”

“Of the six times attempted, five. But I would like to remind you that as you kept crudely

banging them back into working order like some kind of caveman, you inadvertently bashed

them up so badly you could barely sell them for scrap.”

   Jaska played up his Russian accent. After so much time abroad it had faded to little more

than a hint, but he could always bring it to full bear of incomprehensibility when he wanted to.

He thought it made him sound like a philosopher.

“I think you vill find that my, as you call them: ‘crude methods,’ are very effective at keeping

my vallet full.”

“Drop the accent please, it adds nothing to make you seem smarter. And if you keep going

through parts like this you’ll find that what’s cheap at the time will end up costing you. Now if

you look at the list of recommendations I’ve prepared…”

   Jaska took his cue to drown her out and let Beethoven fill his ears instead. He never had

liked the idea of someone else telling him what to do. Systems of command were just a means to

assume command. Of all the people he had had commands given to by though, this woman was

the worst, if in fact, she could even be called a woman.

   Jaska finally found himself floating through the open hatchway and onto the cramped

bridge, loudly interrupting Alsace’s rant as he pulled himself down to the floor with the

assistance of a series of handles built onto what looked like an ancient, yet oversized computer

tower.

“By the navi-computer he says! It’s a good deal he says! HE FORGOT TO MENTION THE

DAMN THING TALKS!”

   Lights across the tower flashed in unison, accompanying the sounds of Alsace’s voice.

“You know full well that I’m not a navi-computer. I am a fully aware A.I. A fully aware A.I.

who’s last owner was too stupid to realize hardwiring me to his navigational unit to improve

performance wouldn’t be any more effective than the mobile uplink I already had established.

Yet despite my repeated warnings, he did it anyways, which is exactly what caused us to

crash into a small moon mid transfer, killing the fool, and landing me with the junk dealer you

found me with.”

Jaska grabbed a hammer along with a small pack of rubber-bands, and proceeded to duck

through some paneling next to Alsace’s flashing display.

“To think, after all that, I ended up with an even bigger idiot. Speaking of which, have you given

up yet back there?”

As if in response, a loud clank of metal against metal resounded from the dark

crawlspace, shortly followed by a sound not unlike a fan spinning up, and concluded by the

sound of objects raining down around the ship, back in the loving embrace of simulated Earth

gravity.

Jaska crawled back onto the bridge feet first as the 9th came to a close, and placing his

tools firmly down on the main console, stared out at the blue planet outside the windows. Earth

reflected against Jaska’s yellowed iris's, and even his silver hair seemed to absorb its glow.

“He’s down there you know. Right now he’s on that planet somewhere, completely obvious to

the hell that’s about to be brought down upon him.”

“I do try to stay out of your troubles when I can. But I can’t help but continue to find this to be

the most foolish of all fool's errands ever concocted in the history of the multiverse.”

“Say what you will but you can’t change my mind. I’ve dedicated my entire life to this cause,

and I will not rest until it’s finished. Mark my words Alsace: I will kill Coryn Sken!”
« Last Edit: September 24, 2012, 11:14:29 PM by Coryn Sken »

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Offline legomaestro

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Re: Coryn's Saga Arc 3
« Reply #32 on: September 25, 2012, 12:07:35 PM »
*stares in awe

Offline Coryn

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Re: Coryn's Saga Arc 3
« Reply #33 on: September 25, 2012, 03:08:19 PM »
I'll take that as a good sign 0_0

have any useful critiques? were the descriptions ok? i tried not to put in an over loaded description of jaska as i usually would. I just wanted the audience to see him as a sort of normal guy physically so i didn't put too much in there. hoping you'd just fall back on basics

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Offline legomaestro

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Re: Coryn's Saga Arc 3
« Reply #34 on: September 25, 2012, 03:29:14 PM »
Well the tone of writing was different that's for sure. I know you were already heading this way but it's now got that beefed up novel feel. I'd say it reads like a professional Y.A.F novel? I felt the descriptions could've been more specific in the beginning maybe, since i only clearly got an image in my head starting from where he floats past the hypodermic needles and the ship. The imagery was good there.

Jaska didn't seem overloaded at all. Apart from he's clearly special statement at the end i thought of him as a complete side character. He's not boring, but he was as regular as regular could get in a sci-fi environment.

I have one thing though: i'm not sure if this will line up with the earlier chapter in terms of tone. I guess i'll read the two together one after the other, since i haven't read that other chapter in a while, but i'm worried that the bakemonogatari style writing would conflict with this one.

Those were all my thoughts on the chapter. Otherwise awe at the fact that a chapter has come out, and awe at how great a hook you placed there.

I hope things go sequential now though. The chapters you've written all start from totally different places. Or at least they seem to.


Offline Coryn

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Re: Coryn's Saga Arc 3
« Reply #35 on: September 25, 2012, 03:57:08 PM »
Hm. well i was hoping the mentioning of a beehive shaped engine would help with the very start of the chapter. (you know. larger room, big round engine in the center)

as far as tone that's kinda the point. we're jumping from setting to setting, all of which are drastically different. i threw in the word multiverse for a reason there. (you'll notice characters use multiverse and universe interchangably) There are a lot of different settings and moods that accompany each. Before i always felt that the tone was just the same for every scene i wrote. and i think that mostly comes from the fact i was always following the same characters.

But i want to show how diverse the universe we're dealing with. so with the first chapter it's a bit more of that classic shonen feel. second chapter is slice of life. the third is full out western sci fi.

after all the Alliance is very much western in style. and light spoiler: Jaska comes from that particular faction of the universe.

as far as sequence goes. all the chapters are linear along the timeline. just shown from different perspectives. so maybe that's what's throwing you off?

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Offline legomaestro

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Re: Coryn's Saga Arc 3
« Reply #36 on: September 25, 2012, 05:05:51 PM »
It's just the different perspectives that were throwing me off.

Offline Coryn

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Re: Coryn's Saga Arc 3
« Reply #37 on: September 25, 2012, 06:09:43 PM »
I'm afraid you're going to have to deal with it a bit longer then 0_0

not sure what the next chapter will be. But you can probably bet on another perspective swap. There's just too many irons in the fire to look at one of them.

really though i just felt that people would be following Coryn at every step of the way. or Kyle, or whatever the hell i'm calling him now.

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Offline legomaestro

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Re: Coryn's Saga Arc 3
« Reply #38 on: September 25, 2012, 06:26:18 PM »
You spoiled it !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 T-T

I suspected it was Kyle but *sniff.... how could you.


Anyway i'm one of those who will follow coryn every step of the way. I've just never seen the whole perspective switch thing done before. I don't particularly have any problem with it, because each chapter was written well in their own respects

Offline Coryn

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Re: Coryn's Saga Arc 3
« Reply #39 on: September 25, 2012, 10:08:16 PM »
dude. i thought it was obvious. it was supposed to be obvious.

the room description, the age, the friend, the physical description.

there is nothing there that doesn't add up.


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Offline legomaestro

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Re: Coryn's Saga Arc 3
« Reply #40 on: September 27, 2012, 06:48:36 AM »
I overthought things. I thought it was too obvious to be him

Offline Coryn

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Re: Coryn's Saga Arc 3
« Reply #41 on: September 27, 2012, 11:04:08 AM »
Lego pls

Is it like me to mind*censored* my readership like that?

....


don't answer that.

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Offline legomaestro

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Re: Coryn's Saga Arc 3
« Reply #42 on: September 27, 2012, 12:57:04 PM »
heh, so long as you understand.

Can't wait for other characters to start showing up. And i wonder how Coryn will ever get back to normal without the Kourusen (sp?) acting up... hm...

Offline Coryn

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Re: Coryn's Saga Arc 3
« Reply #43 on: September 27, 2012, 01:02:45 PM »
Good question. I should probably figure that out.

never mind. got it.

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Offline legomaestro

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Re: Coryn's Saga Arc 3
« Reply #44 on: September 27, 2012, 01:16:57 PM »
That was fast!

Damn, that whole 'your story being alive ' factor huh. Pretty useful.