OLD SCARS INTO OPEN WOUNDS
0. Why is the song so awesome? You know what, new rule: Thou shalt not post a story without an accompanying song. You've got goodish taste in music in general but this song has definitely enhanced the experience for reading this chapter Coryn.
1. Between the four of them, Colt, Coryn, Jack, and October had led what could be described as
long and eventful lives. In all this time, they had each encountered, been a part of, or otherwise
witnessed many events that could be classified as ‘miracles’. The definition of what constituted a
miracle changed of course. Certain species would classify flying as a miracle, but such a
classification would make little sense to a people born with wings. Because of this, miracles
depend entirely upon the observer to determine whether they deserve the distinction. Despite this
limitation, it can be universally agreed upon that resurrection from the dead will classify as a
miracle in almost every case.
* Something missing between 'What consituted a miracle' sentence and 'certain species'. If you put a minor story of evolution that builds up and leads to the word 'species' the awe at flight would be more pronounced, especially if you threw an aloof example in the middle of the text e.g Rasputin or something or if you glided at least over the fact that October is not even human (anymore? I don't remember if she's an original vamp or not)
2. Some universes have special attributes which make resurrection less of hurdle of course.
But even in these rare places, bringing one’s self back from the dead is no Sunday drive.
- Good to know that there are still rules out there.
3. Now, the oncoming storm clouds
took on an ominous tone they had not possessed just a few minutes earlier.
- Better written with a forward flowing sense of time rather than revisionary e.g 'clouds rolled over the sky. They gradually took on an ominous tone. OR e.g the gray clouds that floated about gradually took on an ominous tone they had not possessed just a few minutes earlier.
4. Naomi’s arms snapped to her sides as Eva’s strings closed around her midsection. She
cocked her head back to see an arrow of yellow energy pointed squarely at her back. “Don’t
make a move.” Said Camarin. Whether Naomi would try to return to Shiro’s side or not, she
wasn’t going to be given the chance.
- Dun dun dun
5.
Coryn’s sword fell lightly at his side, and his piercing eyes bored straight into Shiro. It
was without doubt Shiro’s energy that he felt, but there was something wrong to it. He felt like it
was coming from far off, like his body had come ahead of his soul. The feeling was deeply
unnerving, but none of the Five were intending to let Shiro live long enough to find out what was
producing that notion.
- Why, just why do they still want to murder him. Seriously The Five are more lenient to eachother than Shiro. Like he freaked out ONE time. Are you telling me that any of the others have managed to be immortal without screwing over something badly?
6. Blades of ice and steel came at him from above and below, but a twist of the chain sent
his own blades on intercept courses.
- So Kubo Tite. Epic action stuff as always.
7. Coryn spun a kick into Shiro’s side
while he was occupied holding the blade back. The blonde would have to worry about how Shiro
had known what he was doing later.
- Funny, almost never seen Coryn never having the right words to say.
8. Shiro broke free of the ground, but the ice which had encased his lower leg remained, and forced his movements into and awkward cadence.
- For once in my life I read an anime story where the ice guy doesn't just make refridgerator ice that doesn't do anything really damaging or helpful. Jack is proving to be useful in cool ways, man.
9. Call it petty revenge if you want, but I had
time to kill! You may have stopped my attempt to destroy the Kurousen, but the God War has
broken out, and you sure as hell can’t put a stop to that yourselves!” He let the blade fly loose.
- Man God Wars don't sound like anything fun or even reasonable... Things are hitting the fan I see.
10. “You make me so sad Coryn. You can’t see the bigger
picture of things.”
- Can you please first explain yh
11. “You four are the first to bear witness to my prophesy. Before I am through, you will lay
dead upon these stones.”
- Just need to comment that the song really goes in at this point. (And several other points in the chapter but yeah here it happened to reach the crescendo and it was so damn cinematic you have no idea)
12. It was on the tip of his tongue, but Coryn’s concentration was broken when Shiro noticed
his gaze. Suddenly the air was cut off from Coryn’s lungs. His windpipe collapsed inwards as a
great pressure was applied to it.
- One of the first times that I legit almost felt the pain that Coryn or other immortals felt. The whole passage including this sudden twist gave me a visceral taste of the actual pain and action involved in being an immortal fighter (other than Shiros death in CS 2). So if you know how you wrote this passage, repeat this sort of thing and spread this mojo because it definitely hits.
13. The traitor writhed in pain, but as he fell to
his knees, something even more remarkable occurred. Coryn’s energy traveled out from Shiro’s
body, soaring off in tight bands in all directions. It was as if Shiro was being tethered by reality
itself. Some strands disappeared straight into the ground below him, others were lost in the sky
above.
- I've watched enough anime to understand that white energy flows out of Shiro as he loses it, but you assumed that everyone knew what Coryn's energy looked like - is it electric, like water? Is it fast or slow? What is Shiro doing as these currents emanate from him?
14. “Shiro…you haven’t resurrected yourself at all. You’re still dead.”
Shiro looked up at him with distain. He tested out his restored limb as he spoke.
- Dammit I don't even know what's happening here. Is this some DBZ permanent death stuff? If yes then Shiro was madder than I thought. Die man. The afterlife is better than the neverlife.
15. “And baby, there ain’t no way I’m letting that happen!”
- Man there's gotta be a wicked song for this part of the story at least. Although tbh the themesong has still been pretty good so far so yeah.
16. Jack and Coryn came at him at once. Shiro let himself fall back as Jack swung a newly
formed blade at him. His palms hit the cold stone and he pulled up into a flip as Coryn stabbed
out to spear him. The tip of Coryn’s sword skirted past its target as Shiro twisted, and was
knocked clean of its owner’s grasp as the glowing chain whipped back around and caught
Coryn from the side. Coryn had slid across the courtyard and slammed into the castle wall by the
time Shiro completed his maneuver. Shiro turned his head up and expected to see Jack suffer the
same fate, but was caught at a disadvantage when Jack snapped Coryn’s blade from the air, and
with his own ice saber, met Shiro’s energy-form with both weapons. The white energy was
cleaved through, and Jack turned to his opponent.
-
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EieA3KIykjgI accidentally started listening to this song at this section, and it doesn't fit at all, but for this session it was awesome 'I ain't in no hurry, you go run and tell your friends you're losing touch, fill your friends with rumours of impeding doom'. I imagined it perfectly. Like I saw a Tarantino esque scene where Shiro is twisting and turning fighting all of The Five and everyone is reacting like the Power Rangers do (With all those small boxes showing their faces in some moments and all their exagarrated reactions when they're attacked)
Guh, never mind.
17. For a moment it was unclear who would win the contest, but Jack had made a
mistake. In his inexperience with the weapons, he had not gotten close enough to Shiro.
- Dammit. Ice guys always lose afterall.
18. This time, Shiro did not have the opportunity to defend
himself with enix, and resorted to blocking October’s rain of blows with his bare flesh.
- Does enix take long to form or was it a matter of resources as in he had already used it to defend against others?
19. With no other recourse, Shiro took a gamble. He
concentrated as much energy as he could just above his solar plexus.
- Did Shiro seriously think he could take everybody on? If even one of his attacks could get blocked then what the hell is he doing? He risked so much, and he's going to get his ass kicked again. That's not to say that he doesn't deserve it, though. He's shown zero concern or interest for his subordinates so yeah please get beaten in an embarrasing manner.
20. The pair paused for just a moment. Camarin spoke a few words, and together, they
sped off towards the recovering Shiro.
- Idiots...
21. When the chaos had ended, and Shiro offered to let them serve as
his guard, Alexis had said much of the same as Naomi just had. There was no other hope for
their lives, and when it had come time for Naomi to decide for the group, she had taken the same
path. “He’ll kill us all, either way…”
- Wait a goshdarned minute they were beinge stockholmed the entire time? I thought they joined for a reason! Either nega-morals are weird as heck, or I've got to reexamine how much I feel sorry for Shiro's subordinates.
22. Even if Alexis had been brainwashed and raped.
....
....
.... wut.
... Wow, just wow.
... *censored* Shiro.
23. Naomi forced her foot to get back flat against the ground. As she pushed herself back up,
her black katana formed itself in her hand. As she straightened her back, she caught fire. Scarlet
energy roared around Naomi, and as she dropped into a rushing stance, she concentrated every
inch of it into her blade.
- I-ke, Naomi!
24. Red fire fueled her
speed, and like a rocket, she closed in.
- I- KEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEH
25. “I’m going to end you, Shiro!”
- End him.
26. . He blade was already in motion.
***her
27. But try as she might, Naomi
could not match Shiro’s speed.
- dammit
28. The blade had been melted all the way down, and only the half-charred hilt
remained.
-Chikuso
29. The madman glared at him for
just and instant, and disappeared in a flash of white.
- COWARD
30. Coryn did not meet her directly. Instead, he waved the ruined grip in October’s direction,
and started to wander towards the castle gates. October followed quickly after him, and together,
they arrived at the grand doors. Together, they pushed them open, and let in the rain.
- Surprisingly cinematic scene. Totally heard that deluge of rain as the gates opened...
31. Before them,
laying crumpled at the base of the ruined woodcut of Amaterasu, was the burnt form of Naomi
Amano. No movement remained. There she rested, blackened, and still.
- Man, *censored* you Shiro
General Thoughts - Weird. You've got this thing where you describe actions in a reviewer's voice - they've already happend but you explain how they end up i.e like I said on comment 3. Personally it feels weird to read, especially because I've seen you do more staccatto direct action in stuff like Mortal Combat, but the nature of the chapter made this style of yours quite fitting, so to be honest ignore everything I ever say on that front (I think I mentioned the same on the Bleach fan fic review somewhere, so yeah) This might be something of your own style that you need to nurture rather than avoid.
I hope sincerely that Shiro was always this bad of an asshole. If you turned him into this rape allowing creature of the night because I felt sympathy for his disembowlent then CHEAP MOVE DUDE. But yeah, otherwise I pretty much do want him to end. Bastard has no redeeming qualities anymore.
I wish The Five would talk to eachother more. I assumed when I first got into CS that ther'd be at least fan art or fan fiction or background stories that'd flesh out the relationship between The Five, but the more I read the more I notice that it'll be necessary for this merry group of immortals who've already had every possible emotional drunken party of honesty with eachother to set aside all small talk to deal with the very real threats that confront them in this concluding volume of CS. I don't know how you could swing it, but it'd seriously be nice to have more hints at The Fives' backstories somehow somewhere.
Otherwise it was a pretty fun chapter. And now I think you don't quite need to read more novels, you need to see more television! Or anime. I mean hell yeah for language you'll get what you need from reading legit prose works, but I don't think anything can give you passion for finishing your story other than imagining it on the big screen or absorbing inspiration from that source. I suggest this very subjectively because I'm rewatching Kill Bill, and it's the first time I've rewatched an old school classic like ever, and now I know the appeal: There is merit to rewatching old classics. It's like doing repetitions (e.g pushups) for the creative brain.
So thankful for a new chapter dude, and so soon! I thought I'd need to be reading this ages later. Good stuff. Keep at it, and cheers!
Topic: Coryn's Saga Arc 3 (Read 10061 times)
