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Author Topic: BLACK PINE H: MR  (Read 16542 times)

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Offline legomaestro

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BLACK PINE H: MR
« on: September 23, 2010, 06:44:05 PM »



BLACK PINE H: MR

Okay, I’ve started with the beta-chapters, I’ve got a small idea to run this thing on. Don’t expect a perfect description of your ‘avatars’ in the story but I’ll try my best. I can promise some amount of horror and I’ll try to keep with the same style of the other chapters in the original story: Fast-paced and dialogue run…

This is meant for you to enjoy but also to interact with by making suggestions and commenting. I’ll need them in the beginning stages to get a clear picture of how to go on. Remember I don’t need long reviews, even single words could help me. After all, I began the project with a few five phrases. :D


CHARACTERS: Totsificer,  Doodler (AnimeDoodler) , Coryn , Aero, Sai, Kaijin (Monster in japanese) Litt , Lirne, Matsu, Lego
Feel free to ask to change you're names. I'll do it so long as i haven't gone far.

OVERALL PLOT SUMMARY: An investigation around a blast site turns into another outbreak of zombies when a secret underground bunker that survived the first explosion (See the original story) is discovered


PROLOGUE

    The students who escaped left a horror, thinking that the terrible story in Kuro Matsu had ended, but they were wrong.
    The UN and other secret organizations needed to clean up this mess, and a massive investigation was pulled underway. Things got tense.
    On the field, random people from across the world found themselves tiredly working together on the troublesome investigation, thinking that the storm had blown over. But they were wrong.


The following story happens AFTER Kuro Matsu Central Hospital imploded (If you want to know more read the story by clicking the link, otherwise a couple of things may not make sense at all).

The story begins and ends in the period of 12 hours.



STAGE SUMMARY: Doodler gets an official e-mail recruiting her for a mysterious mission.

STAGE ZERO A: Recruits!


***START MESSAGE***
TO:  (Ex) Captain Doodler
RE: OPERATION SKELETON-CLOSET

(Ex) Captain AnimeDoodler,

By the power invested into me by The Honorable Ambassador, who in turn was directed by The President, I hereby order you to be part of the investigation concerning the event that occurred in the township, Kuro Matsu, in the hospital/facility: Kuro Matsu Central Hospital.

Any more information is restricted: you'll find out more when you arrive.

I can only share that you’re required to control any potential outbreak of this news, and control of any possible ‘dangerous’ situations. You are ordered to call people you trust to come on this journey.

You are also ordered to work with the six other random operatives chosen from around the globe.
As compensation, you will be wired a sum of 1,499,000 USD and all of your minor misconducts in the military will be expunged, you will also be rewarded in other ways.

We expect you on site within 7 hours of receiving this email.
***END MESSAGE***

    Doodler sighed after reading the e-mail and picked up her cellphone. She dialed a number and waited a few seconds-
     “Hello?”
     “Hey, Aero?”
     “Oh, Doodler... wait, you don't need to ask me anything. I got an e-mail too. I phoned Coryn and apparently he’s already on the site of the incident. He just happened to be trekking through that region.”
     “OK… Later, then.”
     “Yeah… Bye.”





STAGE SUMMARY: Sai is recruited

STAGE ZERO B: Visit for Sai

    The large wooden structure was so majestic and artistic it almost looked royal. The two agents even mistook it for a mansion at first glance, since the trees around it made it bigger than it was. But there was no time to sight-see. They knocked on the door frame and the man they were looking for, Sai, walked into view, looking bored as he drank a cup of tea from a wooden mug,
     “What is it?”
     “You’re country needs you.”
    Sai chuckled, “Nice. Respect for a disowned assassin.”
     “You’re the closest to this operation, and we need people who aren’t too public.”
    Sai looked at them both, “I’m on a holiday, you know. Give me one good reason to come with you on some unknown mission.”
    They told him three good reasons.




BLACK PINE MR

STAGE SUMMARY: Another boring day investigating the site of what used to be Kuro Matsu Central, that is until Aero comes with troubling news to Anna May, that an investigation team has gone missing...

STAGE ZERO C: Missing Team

24 September 2007, 12:16 PM

    AnimeDoodler walked up the winding dusty road leading up to Kuro Matsu Central hospital, which was now a black smoking hole of silence. The explosion had completely destroyed it almost completely, leaving charred blocks and pieces within it. It made her wonder what she was doing there, even though she knew exactly why.
    She slung her sheathed broadsword over her shoulder, keeping her hands in her pockets as she arrived at the busy carpark. A jeep roared past packed with soldiers, and at that moment the sunny day slowly dimmed.
     Doodler looked up, "Damn, It's going to rain."
     Through an ear-piece she heard some of the ruckus of activity:
     “Section 23 Clear! Nothing living detected!”
     “Sir! We need new scanners, and our technicians need replacements!”
     “Damn this work… what do they expect us to find in all this ash…”
     “I agree, soldier.” Doodler spoke through the chatter of many voices. The voices all remained silent at once, and the man replied,
     “M-my apologies Captain!”
Doodler smiled, “There’s no need to be so formal. I mean, I’ve brought a sword to work. Does it look like any crisis is about to happen?”
     “No Ma'am!” The soldier replied, still in a tense manner. AnimeDoodler shook her head,
     “Continue. Whoever you are.”
    She removed her earpiece and looked at the crater. Smoke still rose from the remains. Trucks, cranes and people moved around the area, checking each and every section within the wide hole. They were ordered around by teams of scientists and soldiers, and in the distance of the whole thing, in the background were tall pillars of blue flare smoke.
    The entire radius of Kuro Matsu’s mountains were had blue flare smoke, indicating the area of search for survivors… or possibly escaped zombies.
    Zombies… Unbelievable-
     “Hey, Captain?”
     “Hm?Oh, it’s you, Aero. For goodness sake don’t talk too seriously I’m tired of acting like there’s something happening here.”
    Aero looked sweaty as he walked over, he was carrying a digital pad and had headset on,
     “There’s a problem.” He panted.
     “Finally, something to do.” Anna placed the sheathed sword in the ground,
     “What’s up?”
     “Group 24 went missing.” Aero showed Anna the digital pad, “It consists of five members, one of which is Professor Kaijin”
     “That creepy guy? What happened?” Anna held up the pad and scrolled through the details,
     “They’re the ones that went down in the center of the blast hole. Professor Kaijin said he wanted to recover some sensitive material from the Blast Proof Bunker.”
    Anna’s eyes widened, “Blast Proof… Bunker?”
     “Um… yeah?”
     She took off towards the crater and Aero followed,
     “What’s up?”
     “How come I’m only hearing about this now? In all my mission briefings nothing was mentioned about a bunker. FIVE different teams have been here and none reported this.”
     “I had no idea it was top-secret. When Professor Kaijin mentioned it, it seemed normal to me.”
    Anna went down a make-shift path down the ashy, blocky remains of the hospital. The yellow-black metal walkway led down to a rickety elevator, which looked like a metal cage. It seemed to go down into a small hole.
     “Got your gun?”
     “Very funny…  Should I call Coryn?”
     “It’s okay, I may just be overreacting.”
    She wasn’t overreacting. Things were about to get really bad.
« Last Edit: September 24, 2010, 03:45:45 PM by legomaestro »

Offline AnimeDoodler

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Re: Zombie Situation Quiz
« Reply #1 on: September 23, 2010, 07:15:56 PM »
oooo, nice ^^ suspenseful >D

and if tis easier, you can just call me Doodle, or Doodler, everyone else here does O-o...lol

Offline Coryn

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Re: Zombie Situation Quiz
« Reply #2 on: September 23, 2010, 07:18:17 PM »
sorry but stories still go in the story section. rename the topic as you will

Will review stories upon request. My latest arc: http://goo.gl/KYgsfF

Offline Coryn

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Re: MR: Zombie Situation
« Reply #3 on: September 23, 2010, 07:26:14 PM »
nice work lego! nice exposition for the story. love how monster ended up as some creepy guy. will be looking forward to the rest.

Will review stories upon request. My latest arc: http://goo.gl/KYgsfF

Offline Monsterful

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Re: BLACK PINE H: MR
« Reply #4 on: September 23, 2010, 07:49:37 PM »
Uber Lol the creepy guy suits me so well... Though i have always been the funny one too xD.

Looking forward to more... and myself ROFLCOPTER :P

Offline [aero]

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Re: BLACK PINE H: MR
« Reply #5 on: September 23, 2010, 08:20:47 PM »
nice lego, cant wait to see what happens

Offline SaiHawkeye

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Re: BLACK PINE H: MR
« Reply #6 on: September 24, 2010, 01:00:20 AM »
It's very good so far. I like the details and some of the conversations. The way you introduce characters is alright as well. The point that needs some work is creating the atmosphere of emergency. I feel that even more suspense in the setup and more militarization/mobilization would help make the atmosphere more urgent.

One word I'm thinking of right now is grungy. There doesn't need to be signs of zombies yet but there should be a chill sent down our spine as we continue reading.
I'm back~~~

Offline [aero]

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Re: BLACK PINE H: MR
« Reply #7 on: September 24, 2010, 01:02:56 AM »
/agree with sai on the grunge and reveal of zombies

Offline Tostificer

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Re: BLACK PINE H: MR
« Reply #8 on: September 24, 2010, 03:02:24 AM »
Very good, I like it! Although I'm not sure if anyone'd call me 'Toasty' in real life.

I loved 'Anna May'. And I chuckled about the name of the Operation.

Oh oh oh, and an Edit: Please don't let me be the weak, coward one, just a very stupid one which jumps up and runs towards the zombies... With a sniper. And he manages to survive (until, of course, he gets bitten and becomes a zombie too) because of his friends, which have had to help them.
« Last Edit: September 24, 2010, 03:04:00 AM by Tostificer »
Bros with Legomaestro since 2010. I think.

Offline legomaestro

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Re: BLACK PINE H: MR
« Reply #9 on: September 24, 2010, 01:35:13 PM »
@ Doodler. Thanks :D , and i'll change the name accordingly.


@ Coryn sorry about that and thanks. I'm relieved that you liked it.

@ Monster  Glad you liked it XD... but... um... what does ROFLCOPTER mean?

@ aero Thanks aero

@ Sai As you know, I'll definately work on that.

@ Toasty thanks. Though her name is changing. Honestly i'm not sure you'll get a sniper at your age... but who knows what will happen? ... and i thought you wanted to be a zombie ASAP... ? Anyway doesn't matter. I'll go with what seems best.


Thanks everyone. I'll just touch up on this chapter and continue from there, with other characters coming into focus.

Offline Tostificer

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Re: BLACK PINE H: MR
« Reply #10 on: September 24, 2010, 01:45:26 PM »
You DON'T know what a Roflcopter is?!

...Lego, Lego, Lego. You have much to learn.

Bros with Legomaestro since 2010. I think.

Offline legomaestro

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Re: BLACK PINE H: MR
« Reply #11 on: September 24, 2010, 01:45:59 PM »
No kidding.

Offline Tostificer

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Re: BLACK PINE H: MR
« Reply #12 on: September 24, 2010, 01:48:50 PM »
Oh, and about getting a sniper...

...

...

...You'll figure something.
Bros with Legomaestro since 2010. I think.

Offline Coryn

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Re: BLACK PINE H: MR
« Reply #13 on: September 24, 2010, 01:54:34 PM »
could be he just proved to be a naturally great sharpshooter despite his young age and was "adopted" by the military when his skills were discovered.

Will review stories upon request. My latest arc: http://goo.gl/KYgsfF

Offline legomaestro

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Re: BLACK PINE H: MR
« Reply #14 on: September 24, 2010, 02:01:00 PM »
That's entirely possible, it being a manga and all...
 I'll see if that works but i'm sure it will. You might have just been saved, Toasty.