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Author Topic: Black Pine H  (Read 11806 times)

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Offline Coryn

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Re: Black Pine H
« Reply #120 on: September 16, 2010, 11:06:24 AM »
meh. but yeah. cant wait to see what he does with it.

Will review stories upon request. My latest arc: http://goo.gl/KYgsfF

Offline yulemaestro

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Re: Black Pine H
« Reply #121 on: September 20, 2010, 09:27:18 AM »
O.O

(The following is a severe understatement of how the author feels.)  THE COVER IS SO AMAZING, FABIA! SERIOUSLY THIS SETS MY BRAIN TINGLING AND ALL. It's so great. THANKS A MILLION! I think this boosts me to finishing it completely by the end of September. Thank you thankyou thank you!



Offline yulemaestro

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Re: Black Pine H
« Reply #122 on: September 20, 2010, 09:57:07 AM »
@ Sai


Thanks for the corrections. I've definately got the term 'comma splicing' in my head now forever. I'll get on those, although some of them are on purpose, i'll reduce them and try to rewrite the other segments.

In this story i've been trying to blaze through the events with as few descriptions as possible. I wanted no chance for the reader to calm down. Since this is a new method i kinda tripped hence the mistakes here and there. I'll definately get to it now.


How did we even get on this?! Anyhow, -Black Pine H-

Lego was already busy with the next story thing. I wonder how it will look like. Wasn't he saying stuff about the MR members being involved?

Oh wait, I think we're #118-ing him.

That project is still on. I'm just not sure if i'll be using MR names or anagrams.

Which one do you think, people?


I've also prepared a Zombie Situation Quiz i'll be posting soon for you guys to answer. From that data i'll judge your chances of survival in the hospital.

I'm gonna make it an Alternate Universe sorta thing so its not what really happened in the hospital. One or two of you may see the main characters though.

My brain is ready to go so its only a matter of 15-20 hours before i have something (Quiz / Beta Stage)

And I've already been 118'd Toasty. But thanks for the consideration :).

Offline Coryn

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Re: Black Pine H
« Reply #123 on: September 20, 2010, 10:01:03 AM »
considering a lot of the members dont really have names that can be used as actual names i would say use anagrams for them. but if they have a name that can be used like sai's or mine i would say just use the user name

Will review stories upon request. My latest arc: http://goo.gl/KYgsfF

Offline yulemaestro

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Re: Black Pine H
« Reply #124 on: September 20, 2010, 10:12:01 AM »
That's one vote.

I'm working on the Zombie Situation Quiz now...

Offline Fabiafidus

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Re: Black Pine H
« Reply #125 on: September 20, 2010, 10:48:56 AM »
Before:

 /right click report on caps lock

now:

 /hug and right click favorite on caps lock

xD
<p>My pony name is <b>Orange Dash</b>.<br /><a href="http://rumandmonkey.com/widgets/toys/namegen/14459/">Take MLP name generator today!</a><br /><small>Created with <a href="http://rumandmonkey.com/">Rum and Monkey</a>'s <a href="http://rumandmonkey.com/widgets/toys/namegen/">Name Generator Generat

Offline Fabiafidus

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Re: Black Pine H
« Reply #126 on: October 16, 2010, 09:55:50 AM »
Here lego. I made 5 examples. pick what you want. (or just the old one and fix it up for the anthology or what you wanted.)

is these accepted?











On this one i show the eye
« Last Edit: October 16, 2010, 10:04:18 AM by Fabiafidus »
<p>My pony name is <b>Orange Dash</b>.<br /><a href="http://rumandmonkey.com/widgets/toys/namegen/14459/">Take MLP name generator today!</a><br /><small>Created with <a href="http://rumandmonkey.com/">Rum and Monkey</a>'s <a href="http://rumandmonkey.com/widgets/toys/namegen/">Name Generator Generat

Offline yulemaestro

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Re: Black Pine H
« Reply #127 on: October 16, 2010, 01:57:00 PM »
Woah. Nice work. Smooth and visible!

Aargh. It really is a hard choice. But the one that fit's what i want is the last one. Completely. It's really great. I'll use that one (i'll need to use a Sharpen effect on the title though). Thanks a million, fabia. Seriously i appreciate it very, very much. I'm in your debt

Offline Coryn

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Re: Black Pine H
« Reply #128 on: October 16, 2010, 04:59:25 PM »
good covers fabio! and yeah i like the last one the best too

Will review stories upon request. My latest arc: http://goo.gl/KYgsfF

Offline kuro-ame-neko

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Re: Black Pine H
« Reply #129 on: October 16, 2010, 08:45:17 PM »
wow! luv it <3

Offline Santa's Little Fro Elf

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Re: Black Pine H
« Reply #130 on: January 13, 2018, 05:26:03 PM »
*Emerges from the shadows after an hour and half long binge read*

I really shouldn't comment on story topics this old, but I thoroughly enjoyed this story, so much so that I felt the need to share my thoughts.

My face while reading Black Pine H

That's actually me by the way

Thoughts/semi review
I won't comment on the actual writing since this was written so long ago, and your skills have obviously improved leaps and bounds since then. However, I will note that there were quite a few adverbs being tossed around throughout this story, "crazily" in particular. Must've been on sale.

The story, while fun and suspenseful, left me scratching my head a few times. The reasoning behind the whole outbreak was never really explained and there were story moments involving characters reacting to events rather oddly. For instance, when Ishikawa snatched Katou away from Nozomi in fear of the idea that she may have been infected, I felt like Nozomi should've harbored a little more resentment towards him throughout the rest of the story after she and Okuno decided to help him in spite of his actions. He practically tried to separate the two, and  the fact that she sort of forgives and and forgets about it feels kinda weird and somewhat unrealistic to me.

And there's that bit where Okuna announces that he and Katou were still alive and then later appears with his right hand missing. I understand that you were trying to keep the story moving as fast as possible without giving the reader a break, but I still found it odd that Nozomi didn't ask Okuna about Katou's whereabouts, seeing how Okuna did mention earlier that Katou was alive and was with him. If Katou was my brother that would've been the first question I asked. Like, "Yo, I know you alive and all and that's real goody mah G, but like yo, where the hell is my brother, homie!?"

Obviously without all the ghetto diction, but you get my point. I don't think adding in a extra line or two regarding this would've hurt the pacing that much.

As for characters, the cast was pretty good. I found myself not caring too much for Ishikawa, though. He came off kinda annoying and dickish, so even when he had his badass moment at the end (Which was really badass I have to say), I kinda brushed him off and felt more feels for Okuna instead, who was my favorite out of everyone. 

Overall, I'm really glad that I read this story. It's fast and fun, and it was a breeze to read. I was gonna skip this this story and head straight for the MR continuation (I'm binge reading MR canons by the way), but ultimately decided to read this story first to have some working context to go off of. Needless to say, I'm grateful I went with my better judgement.

I will now return to the shadows and continue to lurk for MR Canon related stories to read. Next stop: Black Pine H: MR! Hopefully that story will answer some of the questions that this piece left me with. Until then...

*Awkwardly creeps back into the shadows*
« Last Edit: January 13, 2018, 05:31:28 PM by Fronomenal »
Messatsu...



Offline yulemaestro

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Re: Black Pine H
« Reply #131 on: January 14, 2018, 04:31:07 PM »
Holy cheese it's the grim reaper. I mean damn, this has got to be a record son! 8 years! 8 years! Indeed, the internet never forgets, and I definitely forgot I ever used the word 'crazily'. Gawd, now I'm scared to see how bad it is.

Man for this read alone I owe you an in-depth review for any project you plan on writing in the future. Send me a PM when you've got something. Muchly appreciated.

Also damn, that afro may actually threaten mine. BUT I REFUSE TO BOW DOWN. *pulls at hair to extend it as much as posisble


As for the inconsistencies... It's exactly a result of what you saw: I wrote it trying to be super fast and the like. No excuse for not wondering what happened to everyone though. In my head at the time I knew exactly where everyone went. I still remember some scenes even before I cheated and skimmed the story, so with a good rewrite there could be something to save... But I think I'll leave it as it is, and apologize for any of that annoying stuff haha. It wasn't style, it was me being a noob writer (not that I've improved all that much in comparision haha)

8 years man. Jeez lewise. Thanks Frono haha

Offline Santa's Little Fro Elf

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Re: Black Pine H
« Reply #132 on: January 14, 2018, 07:57:59 PM »
Haha No problem Lego! I shouldn't had even commented on this seeing how this is so old (Isn't there a rule against doing something like that?), but hey, when I like something I'm going to say I like it, no matter how old the work may be.

It would be nice to see a rewrite of this, but I agree that you should leave this one alone for now. I'm pretty sure you got tons of new material to work on.

And also, it may seem like it, but my afro is actually not that big. I honestly wished it would grow out some more. Once it reaches a certain length, it just stops there and hibernates, forcing me to cut it and the start cycle all over again.

The woes of having a fro...
Messatsu...