umm...hold on. let me work some copy paste magic.
1)Awsome story!
My favorite line is "or space marines, or Mayas, or whatever the case may be.”
“The Maya shot you up?”
The flipent way the information is given in the heat of the moment and the by play was just right.
"forces Coryn to take alternate measures" alternate measures seems off somehow.
Perhaps change meathods, but that doesn't sound right either.
This sentence seems Alien yet familiar. Coryn. “Go time now?”
"He pulls out an unopened bottle of bourbon and opens it up" It's not nesesary to say unopened
as soon as they’re out of the door" isn't nesesary if we know that they are already out of the building.
My grammar isn't top notch but I know what I like.
And I liked this.
I used to use all advice given to me and I had bland stories.
Use what you want pitch the reast.
Read you later.
2) Awesome characters! Awesome plot development! Really really awesome diologue! Loved it!
The document as a whole needs a little...little polish here and there, but I really loved it!
3) First of all, let me welcome you to WDC. I see you are new here, and I want to reinforce the fact that you have made a great choice. You'll find many people here who are willing to help. So Welcome Aboard.
Now to your story. Please understand that what I write here reflects only my personal opinion, and whatever suggestions I might make are offered for your consideration; you are the final authority.
STORYLINE: This is an action-packed story with a number of characters. The opening paragraph functions similarly to a prologue, setting the time and place through exposition. This is fine.since the story commences at a fairly rapid pace until its conclusion. I can't be sure if this is meant to be a self-contained short story or a part of a larger work-in-progress. I suspect it is the latter?
TECHNICAL ISSUES: You have written this story in the third person POV. However, since Coryn plays such a major role in the story, you might consider writing it from the first person POV...This will have the added benefit of self-correcting some of its other weak spots.
You have elected to write the story in the present tense. This tense adds immediacy to the story and the reader gets the feeling she/he is involved in real time. The problem arises when you try and describe events that have taken place out of the present. This story contains some areas where there is tense disagreement. Additionally, there are some sentences that have subject/verb tense disagreement.
I noticed in a number of places you open your sentence with a participial phrase; this is okay but should be used sparingly. Try varying sentence structure, it livens up the forward movement of the story, and your readers will appreciate it.
On the whole, I enjoyed your story and look forward to reading more of your work.
Thank you for sharing.
Topic: Writer Discussion Table (Read 320368 times)
