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Author Topic: Chimera  (Read 125483 times)

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Offline Coryn

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Re: Chimera
« Reply #645 on: July 28, 2010, 01:18:34 AM »
RADOAMMUTHAWBTBL

Raiders Against the Death of Anime and Manga Mains Unless They Have an Awesome Way to Bring Them Back to Life

cause if you do it right its a good thing

Will review stories upon request. My latest arc: http://goo.gl/KYgsfF

Offline [aero]

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Re: Chimera
« Reply #646 on: July 28, 2010, 01:19:08 AM »
like Ichigo?

Offline Coryn

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Re: Chimera
« Reply #647 on: July 28, 2010, 01:22:49 AM »
yep. both times. being able to cause sadness and then bringing the reader back out is a great ability for a writer

Will review stories upon request. My latest arc: http://goo.gl/KYgsfF

Offline [aero]

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Re: Chimera
« Reply #648 on: July 28, 2010, 01:31:48 AM »
hmm.. well i made monster, doodle and matsu sad so hopefully im on my way =P

Offline Coryn

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Re: Chimera
« Reply #649 on: July 28, 2010, 01:34:25 AM »
yeah. though when i read it it was less of a sad reaction and more of a "thats horrible" reaction

Will review stories upon request. My latest arc: http://goo.gl/KYgsfF

Offline [aero]

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Re: Chimera
« Reply #650 on: July 28, 2010, 01:36:29 AM »
well.. it was supposed to be traumatic...




T-T

Offline Coryn

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Re: Chimera
« Reply #651 on: July 28, 2010, 01:40:22 AM »
well i never said it was a bad thing did i?

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Offline AnimeDoodler

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Re: Chimera
« Reply #652 on: July 28, 2010, 01:47:40 AM »
it can be o_o

Offline [aero]

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Re: Chimera
« Reply #653 on: July 28, 2010, 01:50:15 AM »
no you didnt...

/sigh it kinda feels like thers been a lot of that though so far... though i guess its needed to set up the world of chimera for the readers

Offline Coryn

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Re: Chimera
« Reply #654 on: July 28, 2010, 01:57:59 AM »
it can be o_o

<.<

at anyrate if i say something about the story and its not clearly a critique saying you did something badly just take it as a neutral comment or as a compliment

as for all the darkness in the story you're right about it probably being necessary to set up the world (i say probably cause i dont know where you plan on taking it all) and i think i told you this on msn before but the story is probably ripe a more light hearted chapter about now.

Will review stories upon request. My latest arc: http://goo.gl/KYgsfF

Offline [aero]

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Re: Chimera
« Reply #655 on: July 28, 2010, 02:18:43 AM »
i was kinda planning on having the beach be some nice fun, but that didnt work >_>

but yeah i agree i need a light chapter soon

Offline [aero]

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Re: Chimera
« Reply #656 on: July 29, 2010, 12:47:51 AM »
So i tried moving that weird bit about cronus to the end of chapter 7, ill post both 7 n 8 so you guys can check it out

let me know if you think it worked or not


--- Chapter Seven: Camp Crystal ---


---The gang watches as the ragged man pokes at the fire. As the arm falls out of the flame all three take a step back, Chione covers her mouth to stifle a gasp. Cronus’ foot lands on a fallen branch which snaps with seemingly earth shattering force. The ragged man turns his head slowly towards the group, looking into the darkness of the dense brush and grins wickedly. He stabs his machete into the open palm of the charred hand and uses the handle to shakily stand up. Holding the machete in one hand he stands towards the darkness with open arms, that evil grin still on his face. (artist note: Cronus left his backpack at camp, so he is carrying his axe)
(note: actions have been separated from the speech at  which they are occurring, they will be the next line down from it instead. This now means that if something is written two lines down then it occurs later on the timeline instead of the same time as the above speech)

Tuco: Friends! Please… no need to be afraid, for everyone is welcome at Camp Crystal. Now, why no come join me by the fire?
 *Tuco motions to multiple rocks and logs placed around the large fire*

Cronus: *whispering* Rhea, head over there *pointing to the north end of the camp* and climb up the hill a bit. We’ll distract him while you see if you can get a shot in.

*Rhea nods and runs off silently, circling around the camp*
Cronus: Chio, be ready for anything… I don’t like this guy, there’s something off about him…

*Cronus starts walking towards the camp, he motions Chione to follow behind him.*
Cronus: Uhh… Sorry to bother you sir, we were just wondering through.

*Tuco watches as Cronus and Chione walk out of the brush then eyes them up and down.
Tuco: You don’t look like travelers; you’re not carrying any packs… *looking at Cronus’ axe* You’re not carrying any wood either… Any chance that axe is meant for me friend?

*Cronus starts to say something but hes cut off*
Tuco: Oh don’t bother lying… It doesn’t matter anyways. These things start in all kinds of ways, but they all ways end the same. *playing with the machete* Now, why don’t we find out what you and the little miss can do?

*Tuco starts laughing as he continues to play with the machete, flipping it in his hand and twirling it in the air. Suddenly he whips the machete behind him to reflect a PEP shot. The charred arm that fell out of the fire explodes as its hit by the reflected shot

Tuco: *grinning* Oh this is exciting; you have a friend in hiding… *glancing over his shoulder* I wonder if she’ll come out and play.

*he rolls his head back in laughter as we see Rhea’s eyes widen in shock*
Rhea: How does he know!?


*Tuco jumps to the side dodging a vertical axe swing from Cronus. With his new position he can see Chione running at him with two of her daggers in her hands. His eyes suddenly shift to the far left; he flips the machete to a backwards grip and spins to the left. Chione jumps into the air, spinning slightly she swings the daggers towards Tuco. As Tuco makes his way around he catches another PEP shot with his machete, reflecting it into Chione’s right shoulder.  Her arm goes limp but she keeps going with the attack. Her left arms swings at Tuco and he blocks it with the machete. Chione twists her wrist, angling the blade around the machete so the dagger is on Tuco’s side of the machete. Once Chione locks her dagger around the machete she pulls hard. Tuco manages to hold on to the machete but he’s thrown off balance for a second. Just as Chione pulls Tuco a PEP shot explodes on his back and he goes unconscious.
Cronus: Chio!
Chione staggers back as Tuco starts to crumble towards her but Cronus catches him and tosses him on the ground to the side.*

Cronus: Chio you all right? Your arm-

Chione: *wincing and holding her right arm* Yeah, I’m fi-*she breaths in through her teeth* I’m fine…
*Chione tries to move her arm but it just flops a little*

Cronus: *still a bit worried* You should be able to move it in a few minutes…

*Rhea comes running in from the north side of camp*
Rhea: Where is he! Where’s that bastard! *She spots him on the ground* You… *She spots Tuco on the ground then starts walking towards him* You son of a bitch! *she slams her foot down on his chest and points a pistol at Tuco’s head*

*Chione stares at Rhea with one eye, the other closed tight from the pain*
Chione: Rhea! St-*she winces again and squeezes her arm* …Stop.

*Rhea stares back at Chione for a moment. She hears Tuco groan under her foot, shifts her hand slightly, and blasts him in the chest.*

*Cronus helps Chione to her feet*
Cronus: C’mon Chio, let’s see if this guy has anything useful around here. Rhea, tie up Mr. Friendly. We’ll be heading back to camp in a bit.


---About an hour later the gang walks back into their camp with Tuco in tow. Rhea walks him over to a pillar and ties him up to it, then walks back to Chione and Cronus who are getting ready for some sleep.

Cronus: We’ll be getting up in a few hours so we can drop that guy off as soon as the gates to the fort open up. I don’t want to stay this close to the Varren any longer then I have to.

Chione: What are they doing way out here anyways? Don’t they like to stay as close to Alpha as they can?

Cronus: That’s what I thought too, but now I'm worried they're up to something…

Rhea: You mean the rumors of a crusade don’t you Cronus.

Chione: Crusade?

Cronus: You remember the Prophecy of Alpharon right Chio?

Chione: Well yeah…*reciting like a student*Fourty-Two years after the Exodus, a prophet of Panzen by the name of Schultz Alpharon had a vision. Panzen told Alpharon that the human race is impure and damned; That humanity is tainted by the demons that roam the land disguised as humans. Panzen told Alpharon thathe must save humanity and destroy those who work to destroy its sanctity. And so Alpharon spread the wisdom he had received so that humanity rise up and destroy the evils of this world.

Rhea: She’s like a freaking dictionary!
Cronus: Uh… R-right. Well, because of that prophecy Chimera have all ways been killed on sight, but there has never been a large scale hunt. There’s just too much area to search for anything of that caliber to happen. But recently, there have been rumors that the Varren have gathered an army and are going to use it to hunt down every last Chimera. We can’t really be sure but seeing a large group of soldiers out in some middle-of-nowhere fort is kind of unsettling. Anyways, the point is we need to stay as far away from them as we can.
*Cronus looks over at Tuco who’s slumped over in his bindings*
Cronus: All right, let’s get some sleep.


--- About an hour later the entire camp is asleep. The readers view is at an aerial position, then zooms in on Chione who is fidgeting in her sleep. Finally the readers view switches to Chione’s view (currently black)

*Chione slowly wakes up, her eyes blurry from the short sleep. Strangely there’s a dark shape hovering over her head. She blinks a few times to try and bring the object into focus, and when it does her eyes snap wide open in fear.*

Tuco: ‘Ello kitten, enjoy your nap?
*Chione screams into a gag as Tuco grins and pulls his head away from her face*
Tuco: Now, what was it I wanted? *he thinks for a bit* That’s it! *He shoves his hand into Chione’s jacket and pulls out all six of her daggers* You know these are quite nice… I think I can come up with a few uses for them.
*Tuco laughs and stands up, then walks over to the other side of camp. Chione struggles to move but she is bound as well. She manages to roll over a bit and ends up finding Cronus who is slumped against a stone pillar about two feet away from her.*

Tuco: Now, how ‘bout some target practice?
*He laughs manically as he throws five of Chione’s daggers at Cronus and each land with a loud schlock sound as they bury themselves in Cronus’ chest. As the last one hits Cronus falls over to his side, landing next to Chione.  Chione screams even harder into the gag but still only a muffled sound is heard.*

*Tuco keeps on laughing as he begins to pace the camp, playing with the last dagger as he does.*
Tuco: You know, it’s kind of funny… You’re the only bounty hunters to ever catch me, yet you spare my life? Now I can’t just leave without repaying that kind of mercy. Correct me if I'm wrong but I believe it was you *he points the dagger at Chione* who saved my life, so to repay your kind actions I’ll be putting on a show. You already saw the first act, *he motions at Cronus* but trust me there’s much more to come.
*Tuco starts to walk over to Rhea as Chione hears a quite muffled sound coming from Cronus. She looks up to see Cronus staring at her. He makes a noise and looks down at the daggers in his chest then motions towards Tuco. Chione looks back at Tuco to see him standing over Rhea*

Tuco: *He looks back at Chione* How ‘bout an anatomy lesson for act two? But where to start, there are so many options… *He crouches down over Rhea and starts mumbling to himself as he points out various regions on Rhea*

*Chione Rolls closer to Cronus, her back now facing his chest, she twists her arms in their bindings so she can bend them towards Cronus. The tips of her fingers scape at the ring on the end of one of the daggers until finally one barely hooks through. Chione pulls on the dagger and Cronus groans as it slides into her hands. Rolling back to her original position she begins sawing at the ropes around her wrists. Suddenly we hear muffled sounds coming from Rhea, Tuco has his hand around her neck. The muffled protests grow louder as he pulls her up into a half sitting position to talk to her.*

Tuco: You know… It was pretty cold shooting me in the back, but you didn’t stop there. You shot me again while I was on the ground. Now it might just be me, but that seems a little unnecessary. In fact, I'm beginning to wonder if you even have a heart. So, why not do the scientific thing? But before we can get started with that we’re going to have to break through thist nasty little sternum of yours. *He taps the back of the dagger on Rhea’s Upper chest making a quiet tok sound*

*Chione is cutting the rope around her wrists as fast as she can, barely half way through the thick rope.*

Tuco: This’ll require a bit of force, so you may feel a bit of a tingle.
*Tuco laughs as he raises the dagger over Rhea’s chest*

*Chione’s eyes widen as she watches Tuco bring his other hand up to grip the dagger, the rope binding her hands still has about a quarter left.*

*In slow motion Tuco brings down the dagger, Rhea’s eyes close tight in anticipation and Tuco’s grin grows into a wicked smile. Suddenly his eyes snap open, his face loses all expression and his pupils shrink. The dagger sinks into the earth leaving a fine line of blood on the side of Rhea’s neck. Tuco collapses onto the ground revealing a dagger sticking out of the side of his neck. The readers view then pans to Chione, with one hand free and tears streaming down her face.*


---It’s sunrise and the gang walks up on a fork in the dirt path. Cronus is carrying a dark stained bag in his right hand. They stop for a second to talk to eachother.

Cronus: See you on the other side of the fort.

Rhea: We’ll be there.

*Cronus turns to walk towards Fort Tusken but Chione stops him by grabbing onto his sleeve*
Chione: Cronus… Are you-

Cronus: Don’t worry Chio, I'm fine. We need to hurry up though I don’t want to stay near this place any longer then we have to.

*Cronus starts walking, pulling his sleeve out of Chione’s weak grip and heads towards the entrance to Fort Tusken.*
Chione: But… I saw you… *almost whispering to herself*

Rhea: Chio *Rhea puts her hand on Chione’s shoulder*, Cronus may look the most human on the outside, but on the inside it’s a completely different story. I’ve seen him walk away from things that would kill anyone else. A few knives to the chest is nothing for him, so stop worrying. If he says he’s fine then he’s fine, alright?

Chione: You sure?

Rhea: No doubt in my mind, now c’mon *she spins Chione around to face the path heading around Tusken* Let’s get moving.

*Rhea and Chione take the path to the left and start the hike around the massive fort, walking with the sunrise on their backs*

Chione: Hey Rhea

Rhea: Hmm

Chione: I'm sorry…


---End Chapter Seven---

Offline [aero]

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Re: Chimera
« Reply #657 on: July 29, 2010, 12:49:36 AM »
---Chapter 8: The Yacht of Arrakis---
   

--- Chione and Rhea are seen walking side by side down the path from the last chapter, about three hours after they split up from Cronus.

Chione: Hey Rhea, do you know why we’re walking to the other side of Tusken?

Rhea: Knowing Cronus, he probably has another surprise planned for us.

---A few minutes later Cronus is seen with a big grin on his face on the back side of Fort Tusken standing next to a tall structure hidden under a large sheet. Rhea and Chione are standing opposite Cronus a few feet away staring at the covered structure.

Rhea: I knew it…

Chione: what is it?

Cronus: This, *he pulls hard on the sheet* is a sand yacht!

---What’s revealed is a skimpy three seated dune buggy looking vehicle with a large sail attached to the top.

Rhea: What is it…
*Chione is already trying to climb in*

Cronus: It’s a sand yacht!

Rhea: I know that!
*Rhea pinches the bridge of her nose*
Rhea: What does it do, and much did you spend on it.

Cronus: This should be able to get us to the coast, and as for our funds…

Rhea: Crap… We’re –
Cronus: Not broke.

Rhea: What?!

Cronus: Unlike you, I saved some of our cash when I got this thing.

*The yacht starts rolling away*
Chione: Uh guys… GUYS!

Cronus: What?
Rhea: Eh?

Chione: I don’t know how to stop!
*Cronus and Rhea start chasing after the buggy*
Cronus: LEFT PEDAL! LEFT PEDAL!

---That night, with a full moon to light the way we see the sand yacht sailing through the sands of the desert. A trail of dust behind it, open dunes in front, and one sleeping Cronus on bored, Chione and Rhea sit back and stare up at the stars above.

Chione: Hey Rhea?

Rhea: Hmm?

Chione: Can I ask you something?

Rhea: Sure, whats up?

Chione: Who’s uh… Who don’t you want me to end up like?

Rhea: Oh… That… Well, I guess its story time then. Not like there’s much else to do out here. You can probably tell that me and Cronus have been on our own for a while. It wasn’t always like that though.

---Woosh flashback mode!---  (Note naration is in bold text)
---We see a young Cronus and Rhea sitting with three other young chimera around a small fire. In the background is a cave cutting into the rock face. The oldest of the group, an Owl chimera around 16 years old is tending the pit standing above the fire. Cronus, 15 years old at the time is sitting next to a young rabbit chimera that is about 12 years old. At the same time Rhea, also 12 years old seems to be having an aggressive conversation with a young wolf chimera who is 14 years old.
Rhea: About five years ago, before we started traveling, me and Cronus lived with a small group of chimera.

Kouko (Owl): We’ll be out of meat soon, who turn is it to go hunting?

Lyko (Wolf): I went last time, so don’t look at me.

Cronus: It’s my turn I think.

Kouko: Alright, you should take Rhea and Eirini with you too, teach them a bit about hunting. With more people hunting we could split up work a bit more evenly.

Cronus: You guys want to come with me tomorrow?

Rhea: Yeah!
Eirini: *shakes her head back and forth*

Rhea: We were all just kids, outcasts from Tau.

Cronus: What you don’t want to come Eirini?

Eirini: *flustered* No, I… *she looks down and to the side* I just don’t want to hurt any animals.

Cronus: Oh, right. Well, maybe next time then ok?

--- The next morning, the group is being attacked by two lumberjacks from Tau. Cronus, Rhea and Lyko are on the front lines while Kouko and Eirini try to stay back (Kouko is protecting Eirini).
Rhea: We had our problems, but we worked them out together.

--- One of the lumberjacks swings his axe at Lyko, the wolf chimera grabs on to the head and swings the assailant into a tree knocking him out. The other human from Tau sees his partner go down and swings hard at Rhea. Cronus jumps in the way saving Rhea and knocking the axe out of the man’s hands. Rhea charges and hits the man head on, knocking him to the ground. As he struggles to get up Cronus walks up with the man’s axe and knocks him out with the back of the axe head.

Cronus: Everyone alright?

*Rhea stands up and knocks the dirt off her clothes from tackling the guy*
Lyko: Why are these guys out here! They’re not supposed to be out here!

Kouko: They’re just lumberjacks, probably looking for a certain type of tree. I bet they saw us and thought about the reward being offered in Tau for chimera.

Rhea: This isn’t good; they know where our camp is.

Lyko: We need to get rid of them!

Eirini: No! I… We can’t just hurt people like that…

Lyko: They know where we live! We can’t risk that!

Cronus: We could put them out in the forest like the others. They’ve never come back.

Lyko: They also never attacked us in the first place!

Kouko: I agree with Cornus.
Lyko: What!?

Kouko: I only kill what I eat, and I don’t plan on eating them. So if there’s a way to get rid of them other than killing them then I’d rather try that.

Cronus: Let’s get moving then, they’ll probably wake up soon.

Lyko: I still don’t like this…

---On their way back to camp from dropping off the lumberjacks Eirini tugs on the back of Cronus’ jacket to make him stop walking.
Cronus: *turning around* Huh? What’s- *Eirini hugs him around the wasit*

Eirini: Thanks Cronus… I.. I just don’t think I could stand it if we had to hurt anyone.

Cronus: *surprised that Eirni is hugging him* Eheh, no problem. *goofy smile*

--- That evening Cronus and Rhea are walking back towards camp along the rock face carrying a strange looking boar. Along with the boar Cronus is carrying one of the axes taken from the lumberjacks.

Cronus: Man this thing is going to feed us for a week!

Rhea: Cronus?

Cronus: Hmm?

Rhea: Do you think it was ok to let those people go?

Cronus: What, you don’t think we should have?

Rhea: No… It just, what if Lyko’s right? What if they come back or something…

Cronus: Well even if they do come back, well just move camp again. We’ll go somewhere even harder to find, sit back, relax, and enjoy some pig. Sound good?
*he looks back at Rhea to see her freeze in place, eyes open wide in shock*
Cronus: *Turning around* What are you- *He drops the pig and runs towards camp, Rhea just falls onto her knees, still staring at camp*

---Cronus runs into the destroyed camp, almost tripping over the belongings of the other chimera that have been strewn across the site.  He sees a lump of torn clothing and fur lying face down on the ground near the edge of camp and rushes towards it. Cronus rolls over the lump to find a limp Lyko covered in blood and with that second axe sticking out of his chest.
Cronus: Lyko, no…
*Cronus looks up towards the cave to see another collapsed body. Tears streaming down his face now he sets Lyko down and runs towards the cave. Lying against the entrance of the cave is Kouko, his eyes only white, the pupils rolled back in his head. Cronus tries to wipe the tears from his face but they are quickly replaced. He turns to face the inside of the cave and loses what little composure he had left at the sight he finds waiting. Slumped against the back wall of the cave with a broken neck is the small body of Eirini.
--- That night Cronus and Rhea are walking along a trail going east, the rock face that held their camp in the background.
Rhea: We weren’t prepared for what happened that night… No one could have been. That night we lost the only scraps of a home and loving family we had, and to none other than those we had shown mercy.

---Woosh end of the flash back---


*Rhea looks over at Chione to see her trying to keep her composure*
Rhea: But that’s the past, and soon we’ll be at the coast, sitting on a beach relaxing in the sun and forgetting about all this

Chione: Yeah…


---A little over a day later the yacht finally rolls up on a sandy beach. A layer of trash and debris cover the beach and float in the shallow waters. In the distance you can see that the beach clears up, but it seems that the disaster like area is focus around here.  The three of them crawl out of the buggy, similar to the way you would if you had been sitting in a car for twelve hours.

Rhea: Well there goes relaxing on the beach…

Chione: I can live without the water but the smell here is terrible! It’s like something crawled up on the beach and died!
*Rhea taps Chione on the shoulder and points down the beach*
Chione: Oh that’s just… ugh!

Cronus: So, since the beach is out, anyone up for looking around a bit?

Chione: Yeah, I guess…

Rhea: You got the map?

Cronus: Yup!
Chione: What map?

Rhea: A while ago Cronus found a map in some abandoned vault; it has a bunch of marks on it all over the place. The first one we checked out had some clothes in it. Others had tools and weapons. Most were empty though. The last one that had anything in it was where I found these. *She rests her hands on her pistols* We try to plan out where we go so we can hit as many of those little dots as we can.

Cronus: You never know, you might just find something invaluable.

Chione: Oh wow! So there’s one nearby?

Cronus: Yup, should be over by those buildings if I read it correctly.

Chione: What are we waiting for then? Let’s go!


--- About an hour later the gang is walking though the metro like area. Skeletons of infrastructure are all that’s visible other than the various rubble and debris. Time was definitely friendly to this city. As they walk they look about, looking for the smallest clue of where this hidden treasure might lay.

Chione: Any idea on what we’re looking for?

Cronus: Usually we see a star or stars of some sort.

Rhea: Eagles too, Stars and Eagles are usually nearby these things.

Chione: Wait… Stars and eagles?

Rhea: Yeah, painted on walls, sculptures, anything like that.

Chione: You mean like that? *pointing up at the last standing wall of a weathered building*

---  Painted on the side of the building are five large lines making up the outline of an upside down star.

Cronus: Well… it’s a star, but I don’t think I’ve seen anything like that before.


---End Chapter 8---
« Last Edit: July 29, 2010, 12:55:00 AM by [aero] »

Offline Coryn

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Re: Chimera
« Reply #658 on: July 29, 2010, 12:51:14 AM »
much better. the reaction is much better now that its in the moment that it happens

Will review stories upon request. My latest arc: http://goo.gl/KYgsfF

Offline [aero]

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Re: Chimera
« Reply #659 on: July 29, 2010, 12:53:29 AM »
ooh one more correction, i need to change the times at the beginning of chapter 8

EDIT: i was thinking of what to write there and here at the same time >_>
« Last Edit: July 29, 2010, 01:02:51 AM by [aero] »