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Author Topic: Beat Limit  (Read 13586 times)

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Beat Limit
« on: May 01, 2010, 05:26:35 PM »
Iceh and I have decided to do a collaboration of a Yaoi Doujin through another topic, and since we would need a topic to discuss it, this is the place, since it really is being developed as we go.

So the basic summary of the story...I'm not exactly sure of it myself right now, so I'm gonna skip that and just go on posting the story and hope you get it along the way if you read. Now then, off to writing more moments that make me uncomfortable. (>.<)
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Re: Beat Limit
« Reply #1 on: May 01, 2010, 06:30:05 PM »
This is what I have so far for the story, now mind you, I'm not used to writing in story format or used to writing a yaoi romance, if only the heroine was a female and not a sickly boy. :secret:



Beat Limit

   In a world different from yours is where I currently stand. This world has no such things as magic, demons, any

odd beings or special powers, though in fact you could compare our two worlds and you would see many similarities,

but without saying, there is a big difference and that difference is our hearts...

   “Hey, how are you feeling today?” a boy with light brown hair and hazel eyes asks, in one arm is a basket of fruits

and the other is the doorknob as he enters though the door.  This boy wears a dress shirt over a t-shirt along with

jeans and sneakers, he looks very plainly dressed, yet he would be mistaken for a celebrity if it wasn’t for this world

and their lack of such people.

   “I’m feeling pretty good today, maybe we should go out?” replying is a sickly looking boy, his skin slightly pale, his

hair a dirty blonde and his eyes a blue as pale as his skin. Dressed in nothing but his pyjamas, he sits upright, his

sheets covering the lower half of his body. Speaking again, the sickly looking boy reaches over to a chair near his night

stand and he turns it around, “Why don’t you sit down?”

   Laying down the basket on the night stand, the brown haired boy sits down in the chair and looks at the blonde

haired boy with intent eyes, he speaks, “...are you really alright? I don’t want your heart rate rising because we go out

today.” Taking his hand between his and clasping it tightly, the brown haired boy continues speaking, “I don’t want to

lose a single day, Ian.”

   Showing an innocent and pure smile, the blonde haired boy named Ian puts his free hand on the brown haired

boy’s hands and looks at him with his blue eyes, “I know, and I promise that I won’t die until the day my beat counter 

tells me, so don’t worry Brandon, it isn’t good for your heart.”

   His head slung down, Brandon is silent for a moment, though he soon raises his head returning a smile to Ian,

“Would you like me to peel an apple for you first?” he asks as he lets go of Ian’s hand, he grabs a fruit form the basket

along with an apple peeler that was on top of all of the fruit, he begins to peel it while looking down.

   With another smile that could rival the innocence of a child’s, Ian grabs onto Brandon’s hand which holds the

peeler to stop him, Brandon looks up at Ian with a curious look, Ian tells Brandon, “Brandon, I’m fine with any one, but

that isn’t how you peel a banana.”

   Looking down at his hands, Brandon notices the long yellow fruit in his left, expecting a round red one. Brandon

says, “Ah, I must be a little out of it, I’ll peel an apple now.” Brandon grabs another fruit, this time its round, he begins

to peel it again with his head facing downwards.

   Ian looks down at the fruit and he shows a worried smile, he chuckles and raises Brandon’s head with his left

hand, Brandon looks past Ian, as if he wasn’t paying attention to reality, Ian talks to Brandon even though he noticed

this, “I think we should head out now, Brandon.”

   Returning to reality, Brandon is surprised and quickly responds, “Why?”

   Taking the basket in his arms, Ian turns it to Brandon, to show him the contents and says, “Because if we don’t,

we’ll be stuck here all day. There isn’t an apple in this basket.” The basket only containing oranges, bananas and

grapes, Ian takes a grape and feeds it to Brandon, who willing cooperates and eats it. “Shall we go then?”

   The warm sun shines down and the clear sky engulfs everything. Ian and Brandon walk in this weather, they walk

side by side while talking. Not a car passes by them on the road, nobody else walks outside, the city itself looks barren

and nothing is heard but the sounds of small insects and birds. Brandon comments on this, “It’s quiet as always.”

   “Well, we are the crazy ones here.” Ian says back to Brandon, while looking at the clear skies with a smile.

   Brandon sighs and says, “What’s the joy in staying indoors all the time? Heading outside wouldn’t affect your

heart that much.”

   Reaching a green park that glistens in the sunlight, the fountain in the centre with a design resembling an angel

spouts water. Benches are strewn across the park for people to sit down if needed at any moment. Brandon and Ian

walk to one of these benches near the fountain and they sit down, they do not say anything for a long while and only

stare at the fountain.

   Ian, while continuing to stare at the fountain, speaks, “Do you believe in angels, Brandon?” His hands are put

together as if he were praying.

   Brandon replies to Ian, “I can’t answer that at all, I don’t even know what they are. They just look like humans

with wings.” Brandon stares at the angel on the fountain with curious eyes.

   Now turning his gaze to the sky, Ian says, “I think that angels bring us to the sky when we die, carrying us with

their wings.” Looking beyond the sky, Ian notices a single cloud pass by.

   “The sky, is it?” Brandon stands up and walks over to the large area of grass and lies down, he stares up at the

sky and says to Ian, “If I lie down like this and look up, it feels like I’m in the sky.”

   Ian stands up and well and walks over the Brandon and lies down right next to him, “Maybe when I die...you can

lie down like this and we’ll be in the sky together.” Ian’s smile disappears for a moment as he gazes at the sky as well,

“It feels lonely, all I see is the sky and nothing else...”

   Brandon stands up again and he looms over Ian’s face, “Is that so? Well now all you see if me, are you lonely

now?”

   His smile returns as he stares at Brandon’s face, “No, I don’t feel lonely at all.”

   Sounding very serious, Brandon speaks again, “Then since you’re so gloomy right now, then I’ll say it straight

now, if you die and end up bring brought up to the sky by an angel, then look down and I’ll look up, we’ll see each

other and neither of us will be lonely.”

   “Is it really that simple?” Ian asks.

   “If it isn’t, then I’ll just have to go up to the sky myself and keep you company.” Brandon says with resolve.

   Ian then jumps up and grabs onto Brandon’s shoulders, “No! You can’t joke about that! My heart is near its end,

but you can’t joke about you dying! I don’t want you to die because of me, Brandon!”

   Brandon is slightly stunned by this, “I-I get it Ian, but don’t shout or jump up, even if you are going to die, I don’t

want it to happen any faster than it is.” Brandon takes Ian’s hands and takes them off of his shoulders, though still

holds onto them, “I don’t want to lose you either, but you can’t listen to me...” His face shows a sorrowful expression.

   Ian also shows such an expression, “It isn’t me, it’s my heart that won’t listen...”

   Silence once again fills the entire environment, not even the birds of bugs make a sound now, only two silent

boys stand in the park with their hands together under the clear sky.


There aren't any chapters or anything so the next part won't have any heading. Also, I changed the name of the sickly boy from Sean to Ian since I didn't think Sean fit him too well.
Arcane Judgement - Chapter 5 END (Now being reworked):
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Offline Iceh

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Re: Beat Limit
« Reply #2 on: May 01, 2010, 07:38:47 PM »
I liked it alot.
The part with Brandon peeling the banana made me laugh outloud. xD It was really sweet.
I noticed that you had a lot of grammar errors though. I don't mind though. I'll revise that obviously, when I'm writing out their dialogue in the doujinshi.
My overall opinion about it is that it's really sweet, light, and slow.. but fast-paced at the same time.
Also, to give you an idea of how much more you probably have to write..
I'd estimate that all of that so far ... would be about.. 5 pages. Around there.
So far I'm liking it and wouldn't really make any big changes.. The only changes I would make are changes that you don't really need to know about and will naturally happen while I am drawing out the pages. Mostly just the actions that they do and stuff.

I'm sorry I don't have that much critique for you.. >_>"
Oh, well, there is one more thing. I found that sometimes the dialogue was a little clunky. Like, one person would say something and the other person would kind of reply oddly. It didn't feel that smooth. That's something I can't really help with though.. and you'll improve over time. :)

I can't wait to read more!
Oh wait, I forgot one more thing.
The part where they were talking about angels and seeing each other in the sky.. that was sad. ;_; But cute. You did a good job on that.


..I'll try to post the designs asap. ...Do you mind that their descriptions here do not quite match the ones I've drawn? ..If so, don't worry about going back and changing the descriptions when you see the designs though. xD

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Re: Beat Limit
« Reply #3 on: May 01, 2010, 07:47:49 PM »
I think your designs should be the ones used, their looks didn't exactly jump out at me, so I think you'd have a better image of them than me since the only type of male characters I can imagine are stereotypical ones.

Now on to the other points, I'll try to work on my grammar, I just need to get used to this novel format a little first, I'll probably get the hang of it soon. As for the replying thing, I'll see what I have there and see if I can work on it, though if it's anything like how they speak to each other, try to understand the world they're in, it's a beautiful world, but the people rarely speak or interact with one another, so Brandon and Ian are really close, they're way of speech may be set off by this as well sometimes, though I'll definitely try to get it to flow better form now on.

Another thing, if you want romance or comedy, I've got that covered, :D though I'll have to work my way around some things in my normal routine and try to make some better shounen ai scenes.
Arcane Judgement - Chapter 5 END (Now being reworked):
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Offline Iceh

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Re: Beat Limit
« Reply #4 on: May 01, 2010, 07:59:31 PM »
So far, so good.
And I think a bit of the "clunky" speech I was talking about was slightly referring to how formal they were and slightly awkward.. but I what was bothering me mostly had to do with the grammar.

But wow, great so far. And looking foreward to the more romantic, comedy and shonen ai parts. : )

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Re: Beat Limit
« Reply #5 on: May 01, 2010, 08:08:23 PM »
Ah, well I happen to write in a formal way and speak in a crude way, it balances out somewhere. :laughing11: The grammar though, is probably bad since I don't know how to add speech in along with the actions and descriptions, it'll smooth out eventually though.
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Offline Fnnenn Enninn

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Re: Beat Limit
« Reply #6 on: May 01, 2010, 08:47:29 PM »
Litt: While you do your research remember to flush often  :laughing11:
Were going to party like it's 1986/ Blow in the cartridge and get ya' fix./

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Re: Beat Limit
« Reply #7 on: May 01, 2010, 08:57:09 PM »
Sumi: Why're you in this topic, Sumi? Stay outta here, a man has gotta do what a man has gotta do.
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Re: Beat Limit
« Reply #8 on: May 06, 2010, 04:10:08 PM »
This is the second part I have so far to the story. I just wrote it since I've been feeling more in the mood for writing today, sunny, windy days make me want to write. :D Please tear it apart and point out the flaws again.



   The moon rises and the sky suddenly becomes filled with twinkling stars, the night of this world even more silent

than the day. Walking into Ian’s room, Brandon carries Ian on his back and lays him on the bed.

   “You sure are worn out easily.” Brandon says quietly to Ian who is fast asleep. Sitting down in the chair he had

earlier in the day Brandon stares at the sleeping Ian under his covers, Brandon leans in over Ian’s face and he puts his

right hand around Ian’s neck and his heart beats loudly as he slowly closes in. Pulling out a necklace from under Ian’s

shirt, he looks at the screen of the necklace shaped beat counter and sighs, “Not much time left.” Brandon backs up

and walks towards the door and turns off the lights, “Good night Ian, rest well.”

   Awakening the next morning Ian finds himself in his own bed, the fruit basket laying on the night stand, the chair

near his bed turns towards him, everything was as he left it the day before. Ian looks at his alarm clock which is near

the fruit basket and he notices he has woken up an hour before the alarm is set to go off, he sits up and looks at the

window hovering over him, on the wall his bed is against. The blinds on the window are close so Ian opens the blinds

to allow light to flood the room but to his surprise, Brandon is there instead, cleaning his window, “Uwaa!” Ian yells as

he jumps back off of his bed, onto the floor.

   Brandon sees this and shows and extremely worried face, he disappears from the window’s view and appears in

Ian’s room only moments after, “Ian! Are you alright!?” He rushes to Ian to help him up.

   Brushing off the dust Ian stands up, “I’m fine, for the most part.” Instinctively Ian’s right hand goes onto his chest

and he checks his pulse but he quickly realizes this and stops immediately, “A-ah, my heart is fine, that wasn’t too bad

of a surprise.” Saying this, Ian tries not to worry Brandon, “What were you doing outside of my room anyways?” Ian

asks, now realizing the odd circumstance.

   Brandon replies right away, his face showing slight signs of worry, “I usually clean your house, I’d usually be done

by the time you wake up as well, but you woke up an hour earlier than usual.” Speaking as if this was all natural,

Brandon sizes up Ian to check for any injuries.

   Showing a confused face, Ian asks yet another question, “You clean my house? Every day? I never knew this.”

   “Yeah, it’s not any trouble, and I figured a sick person shouldn’t be living in the dirt and dust.” Brandon replies

back to Ian.

   “I told you already, did I? Stop worrying so much, a little dust and dirt won’t kill me.” Ian says this while walking

to his dresser.

   “I can’t help but to worry a little bit...and what exactly are you doing?” Brandon stares at Ian as he goes on with

his own business.

   Taking out a pair of boxers from a drawer, “Since I’m awake I figured I might as well get dressed so we can head

out somewhere.” Ian takes out a pair of pants and a t-shirt as he says this.

   “What!? You should rest some more, I’m sure you didn’t get enough slee-“ Being cut off as he talks, Ian puts his

index finger on Brandon’s lips while holding a change in clothes in his other arm.

   “Didn’t I just tell you not to worry?” Ian walks to his bed and begins to remove his shirt, but as he has half of it off

he turns around to face Brandon and says, “No peeking , or so I’d like to say, but we’re both guys.” Ian turns back

around to change without noticing Brandon’s face turn bright red.

   Out for the second time, the two stand where the wind blows a refreshing breeze, the city is in the distance

looking like nothing more than a toy set. High above sea level Ian and Brandon stand on the top of a mountain, of

course they did not hike there, a cable car system stands still a few metres away from them.

   Standing out near the edge of the mountain, Ian looks out on the town with his hair waving like a raging flame,

“This place is the best!” Ian shouts, trying to get his words across to Brandon.

   “Is it alright to be here? Isn’t this causing your heart rate to go up?” Brandon says as he sits down on a flat rock

on the mountain top enjoying the view himself.

   Ian steps back from the mountain edge and walks over to Brandon, putting out his hand to help him up, “I’m fine,

if anything this makes my heart feel even better.”

   Brandon takes Ian’s hand and stands up, “I get that feeling too.” Both of them walk over to the edge now and

look out upon the city and the vast sky above it.

   “This is the best!” Ian shouts again at the top of his lungs, he then looks over to Brandon with a smile.

   Getting the message, Brandon takes in a deep breath and shouts, “I love it here!”    

   Now both of them now shout at the top of their lungs many things they wished to lift off of their shoulders, they

wear themselves out and both lie on the rock Brandon sat on before.

   “Haah, haah, haah, that was tiring.” Brandon pants from the constant yelling against the winds.

   “But it was fun, right? Haah...” Ian sits up and looks over at Brandon, who is staring up at the sky.

   Brandon raises his arm to the sky with an open palm, “It’s as if I can reach the sky from here.” He closes his hand

as if grabbing a piece of the sky.

   “The sky...” Ian says so quietly that the wind carries it away, yet somehow it manages to reach Bandon’s ears.

   Sitting up next to Ian, he turns his head and looks Ian straight in the eyes, “Are you the one worrying now? I

thought you were going to live your days until the end.”

   Showing a surprised expression, Ian looks back at Brandon, “Did you actually say that Brandon? You aren’t really

worried?”

   “Maybe that shouting got some of it off of my chest, I know what you mean now. You want to live and enjoy life,

not worry about your last days, and I’ll help you enjoy every single day to come.”

   Still surprised, but now smiling from ear to ear, Ian stands up and looks at Brandon and he opens his mouth,

“Brandon, I...” A strong gust of wind passes them as Ian speaks, this time Brandon does not hear his words.

   “What was that?” Brandon asks as soon as the strong gust of wind passes.

   Ian closes his eyes for a moment and smiles, “It’s fine this way, I finally did it.”

   Brandon shows a confused expression of his own, “Finally did what?”

   Ian begins to run off to the cable cars and gets in one, “Hurry up and get in a cable car Brandon, or else you’ll be

stuck up here alone!” The cable cars begin to move.

   Brandon rushes to the nearest car himself, just missing the one Ian’s sits in, stuck in the one behind and from

inside he shouts loud enough to Ian to hear, “What did you do Ian!?” His curiosity at its peak.

   Showing that smile while looking back at Brandon he fogs up his window and begins to write with his finger, he

writes backwards so Brandon can read it.

   Reading the words out as he writes, Brandon says, “It’s....a....sec...re...t....what? Hey! That isn’t an answer!”

   Riding back home in the stable cable cars, Ian and Brandon live out yet another day happily in this empty world

revolving around the heart, though these two probably have the best understanding of what ‘heart’ really is.
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Offline Iceh

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Re: Beat Limit
« Reply #9 on: May 09, 2010, 03:51:49 PM »
I liked it..
The pacing seemed a bit rushed.. but maybe it'll translate better in manga pages.
I like how this part is a seperate day from the last part. Is this something you are going to continue to do? Do each day after the other? I think that's good.. but.. it will have to stop short.. since that conclusion needs to eventually come. ;) But you can do a few more of those.. Urk.. don't wanna ruin your creative juices though. Do whatever you think would work the best.
And haha..
Quote
Please tear it apart and point out the flaws again.
That made me laugh. xDD


The only thing that had me confused was the end part with the cable car..
I actually had to look up what it was..
This is one..right?
http://www.tundria.com/trams/USA/Photos/SanFrancisco-CableCar.jpg
And do you think you could explain to me more specifically what happened in the last part with the cable car? For some reason I find myself not understanding it at all.. O.O

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Re: Beat Limit
« Reply #10 on: May 09, 2010, 06:48:07 PM »
I'll try to slow a few things down in the next part and after that Ian will be headed to get the fireflies. I also wasn't try to do each day, it just seemed to happen that way, speaking of which....that gives me the idea to make a scene during the night.

My juices are just fine, refrigerated even.

As for the cable car, not that one, it's the suspended types which are used to get to places in the mountains.
Like this:


If you understand what the cable car I was referring to is, you may understand the last part much better. If you're still confused, just go ahead and say so, I'll explain the best as I can.
Arcane Judgement - Chapter 5 END (Now being reworked):
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Re: Beat Limit
« Reply #11 on: May 09, 2010, 06:49:58 PM »
baaaw thats a freaking gondola not a cable car! gaaaaah!

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Re: Beat Limit
« Reply #12 on: May 09, 2010, 06:56:53 PM »
Say what you will, but I call it a cable car, and I actually rode that cable car. It's not my photo, but it was a result for "cable car" in google image search.

My reasoning: I'm Chinese -> gondola doesn't translate well -> closest translation for what my parents were saying when I rode that was "cable car" -> must be called a cable car.

Sorry if I was wrong in the naming, I'll try googling things more often to verify the names.
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Re: Beat Limit
« Reply #13 on: May 09, 2010, 07:00:07 PM »
nah i think its actually more a an area thing, people in this part of the us call it a gondola, but people in france call that little boat a gondola... soo w/e i know it as a gondola but other people will know it by other names

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Re: Beat Limit
« Reply #14 on: May 09, 2010, 07:04:04 PM »
Still, I'll try making things clearer for everyone to have a better understanding of the situations in the story, if I don't, I'll just look stupid. :'(
Arcane Judgement - Chapter 5 END (Now being reworked):
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