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Author Topic: Slice.  (Read 13439 times)

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Offline Account Disabled

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Re: Slice.
« Reply #15 on: April 27, 2010, 03:03:51 PM »
I see, so trying to get people used to writing to another person's style perhaps? The story may become pretty deep depending on who's working on it, but I think it'll be pretty interesting in the end, seeing how each chapter flows from the last.
Arcane Judgement - Chapter 5 END (Now being reworked):
http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php?topic=2972.0

Offline Faith

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Re: Slice.
« Reply #16 on: April 27, 2010, 08:16:00 PM »
ya. that is my dreams for this and i know it will work.

Offline legomaestro

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Re: Slice.
« Reply #17 on: April 28, 2010, 05:31:48 AM »
So this is what i made. Its the narration part i suggested, so this isn't the exact style i'm proposing...

---

A beautiful blue and green planet floats in space.

Drifting spirits found a vast world, full of nature and struggling humans. One wanted the world for its hell, to enslave humans and put it under a shroud of darkness.

A mass of shadow crashes into a village. And a scared woman stares at the carnage...

The other wanted to protect and enlighten them, and provide gifts for them, giving their souls rest when they passed.

A beam of light shines over a village, and a kid looks up in awe...


The pure energies underwent fierce battle.

Shadowy forms of things on horses and demonic faces float over the clouds, a battle field in the sky...
 
The forces were even, and finally only two leaders remained, The Mother of Light and Life and the Mother of Darkness and Death.  They fought in corporeal human forms, fighting with blades


A beautiful woman in white. She has long pure white hair hanging over her back, and holds a sword in a professional two hand grip.

Her opponent is in black revealing clothes, and has pure black hair. She holds her blade in a casual one hand grip.

They used to be sisters in a heavenly kingdom, eons ago. They engaged eachother-

They slash and lunge, explosions vaporize clouds.

and finally and the final blows were struck.

They stab eachother. Both of them cough blood.

Realizing the opportunity, The Mother of Light performed a special seal ancient even to her-

The good sister raises her hand and performs gestures. They both lose their forms, and sink into their blades. The bad sister screams in fury.

-and sealed themselves away into their blades, which fell from the battlefield in the sky to the earth in form of comets.

Two comets, one fiery white whilst the other smoky and red, fall to the earth.


The blades were found, and through divine means their stories told to the two tribal families who recieved them.


One was good, and the other evil.

Offline Faith

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Re: Slice.
« Reply #18 on: April 28, 2010, 01:21:51 PM »
I like the start and i see your stily of writting i guess i will start working on my sectionof the story. Proulby goign to explaine the story of how the two blades are in the two villages and how the villages have battles inside thier own village to determain who will wield and hold the blades and detory or protect thier world. Wont be till this weekend though that i will be able to give about 2 hours to this which is all i will need.

Offline legomaestro

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Re: Slice.
« Reply #19 on: April 28, 2010, 01:32:52 PM »
Good, and don't forget, keep with the unique tone, i think the only way to completely pull it off is give it an unpredictable [yet simple] plot. Good luck! I'm relieved you accepted my draft...

Offline Faith

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Re: Slice.
« Reply #20 on: April 28, 2010, 03:25:20 PM »
well this is more of an experment to see if we can pieace togeater a story without talking to one another just reading the section that eachother post and learn from eachother styles of imgination. i will work onmy story and post it no later then sunday.

Offline Faith

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Re: Slice.
« Reply #21 on: May 02, 2010, 10:04:15 AM »
Jafa the strong and Rytu the Feared.               


                15 years later many stories about the fight between the Mother of Light Kira and the Mother of Darkness Mia. As the stories were told many villages started to worshiping them making statues of them in their villages praying to them to help them defend against their rivals. Out of all the Villages in the Realm two were the biggest. The Village of Garu was a poor but large village where the people helped one another with their day to day life. Weather it was the need of a meal, clothing, or helping with their little ones all in this village cared for all in the likeness of the Kira. The other was The Village of Nor which was very rich and powerful. They believed if other villages didn't have the wealth they had then you were inferior and needed to be taken over and ruled by them. Following Mia the Mother of Darkness they wanted to rule all villages around them including Garu.
   As time went by the Village of Nor trained many warriors to go and fight for their purpose, but they always failed when they tried to take over Garu. One day In the Mountains of Nor were a feared warrior named Rytu was training by punching rocks inside a cave he found. While he was training he saw a light shining in from a hole above his head and under the ray of light was a rock that was glowing Reddish black with a gray fog around it. Rytu went to look at the rock but when he got near it he fainted and went into a dream world where he was soon to encounter the worst fight in his life in a dream.
   Mean while back at Kira a local Farmer Jafa was digging a new hole to plant a tree in the center of the Village. Jafa was known for his huge heart and strength . He was always trying to make the Village of Garu look beautiful by planting flowers and trees around the Village. After he got done digging the hole he set off into the Forest of Kira to find the biggest tree he could to dig it up and bring it back to the Garu. As he was looking in the forest he came to a tree that had a trunk twisted and mangled, but the tree grew tall and the branches were full of the greenest leaves he had ever seen. Jafa said to himself "this is the tree Garu needs. As he began to dig up the roots which were long and big he finally got them all up  and as he pushed the tree over gently to pull it out from the ground a bright Bluish Yellow Light shined in his eyes blinding him to the point where he fainted. Now Jafa was about to meet his inner self and find out how strong he was in this blind dream he was having.

Offline kuro-ame-neko

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Re: Slice.
« Reply #22 on: May 05, 2010, 07:57:43 AM »
nice start >w< soz i suck at writing so i can't help

Offline Faith

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Re: Slice.
« Reply #23 on: May 05, 2010, 12:16:10 PM »
it all good i was just looking for someone to check out our progress our post sorta died this weekend.

Offline [aero]

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Re: Slice.
« Reply #24 on: May 06, 2010, 02:21:35 AM »
"other villages didn't have the wealth they had then you were inferior and needed to be taken over and ruled by them." grammar yaaaay

"One day In the Mountains of Nor were a feared warrior named Rytu was training by punching rocks inside a cave he found." can be worded much much better

"While he was training he saw a light shining in from a hole above his head and under the ray of light was a rock that was glowing Reddish black with a gray fog around it. " would work better as two sentances

"Rytu went to look at the rock but when he got near it he fainted and went into a dream world where he was soon to encounter the worst fight in his life in a dream." sentance should end at he was soon to encounter the worst fight of his life.

"trunk twisted and mangled," adjectives should come after the noun in this instance

"were long and big he finally got them all up" (i quoted this for the lulz) comma after big

"and as he pushed the tree over gently to pull it out from the ground a bright Bluish Yellow Light shined in his eyes blinding him to the point where he fainted. " run on sentence, split it up somewhere to hard to follow as one thing.


"Now Jafa was about to meet his inner self and find out how strong he was in this blind dream he was having." remove now, and end it with "in this blind dream he was (soon to have / about to experience).

that's all grammar and wording so nothing terrible

content wise i thought it was pretty good, im curious if its the same dream and what the connection is between the two

Offline legomaestro

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Re: Slice.
« Reply #25 on: May 06, 2010, 04:59:59 AM »
RYTU'S EXPERIENCE

Rytu found himself on a flat, empty land. He was standing on rough dark rock, and there was nothing else but red sky and the flat surface. Before him stood a girl dressed seductive clothing that barely covered her bosom and hip. She held a long sword.

Before Rytu could say anything, she jumped forwards and slashed at his throat. Rytu brought up both of his banaged arms and directed the blade downwards and away from his body. His extensive training made such a move possible, but he still got thin cuts on his arms. The woman in black smiled, "That's nice. I have no use for fighters with no instinct."

Rytu growled in anger and punched at her with a right fist. The black blade slashed, and Rytu's hand was cut off at the wrist. Rytu stared at the sliced limb in horror, and he screamed in pain. The girl laughed, "What idiot goes against a sword with bare hands so recklessly, do you want to lose my blessing?"

Rytu cursed, "You slut!"

The girl smiled, then slashed at him with the sword. Rytu jumped backwards. As he did so, he rolled off the bandages along his right arm and quickly wrapped them around the stub where his right hand had once been. The bandages were soon soaked red, and the blood still dripped. He did these motions in a few seconds, and by the time he landed he was a little ready to fight again.

But this is impossible. Rytu thought. I've never gotten a wound worth talking about in my life. I have never let it happen. He felt weak as blood drained away from him.

The woman in black took steps forward, "You should know, though this is your mind, and your wounds may heal. However, if you die, You die."

She raised her sword so that it was horizontal, "This time, i shall fight with no mercy."

Rytu shouted, "Why the hell are you attacking me?"

She laughed, "Blood, anger, and misfortune fuel your powers. You have so far dished it out without caring for your victims, why should I?"

The blade shimmered mysteriously, then the woman grabbed it and took a stance: two legs wide apart, with the sword held away from her, pointing upwards and behind her. She looked at him in that sideways stance,

"This might end the battle, if you don't think fast."

Rytu looked at her angrily. Then he cursed. He ducked and ran forward as the woman took a step forward and slashed.

The sword didn't touch anything whatsoever, but a perfect curving white line appeared on the rock floor Rytu had just run from. The line exploded, sending pieces of black rock everywhere.

Rytu had reached the woman as he ran forward, and now he made a sliding tackle. This was a good move, because the woman had slashed horizontally. The entire top half of Rytu's messy hair was cut off cleanly.

Rytu's tackle hit the woman at her feet, and she gasped as she flipped forwards, feet off the ground. Rytu didn't let her fall onto him, he punched her with his left fist, feeling bone shatter, and then he rose and elbowed her.

The woman in black flew backwards, a trail of blood flying from her nose. She landed on the ground with a heavy crack, but she still held onto the sword.

Rytu rose from his tackle, and jumped in the air. He landed with two feet onto the girls neck, and felt bone crack. She was surely dead. He began to smile, but then suddenly a white line appeared, dividing him in half. She had cut him.

Impossible. I'm dead. Rytu thought. But the line didn't explode, it faded away into the tatoo of a vine with thorns. Rytu felt the girl move under his feet, and he stepped off her. The girl rolled backwards, then rose to her feet. She sheathed her blade.

"We have killed each other, and this part of the contract is complete."

"What contract?" Rytu asked, breathing heavily.

The girl smiled, "I am trapped in this blade, and i need a vessel who shares my dreams to aid me in a quest for pure power. I can use you to gain my freedom, and you can use me to gain more power and fame. And fun."

Rytu glared at her, "You don't make any sense."

The woman smiled, "I shall. Now, return. Awake, and from there i will give you instructions. Do not worry, though i will order you around, it will all be things you enjoy very much."

The land vanished, and Rytu awoke in the cave he had been training in. He woke up shakily, and he raised his eyebrows as something landed off his chest. He stood up quickly and looked down. He reached for the object, and his eyes widened as he recognized that his right had was back.

He patted his hair, but that was still cut. He was angry, as he had never shaved in his life, but at least he had his hands. He noticed that his entire red fist was wrapped in tattoos that showed black thorns. He checked his chest and noticed that a line tatoo showing a vine and thorn was also there.

Wherever the girl had cut him in that dream world, had turned into the strange tatoos. But it was better than death. Rytu looked at the rectangular thing that had slid off his chest. It was a sheathed blade.

He picked up the object he saw. It was a short, boxy sheath patterned with silver drawings that showed boxy flowers. The white crystal hilt of the sword was slightly long and curved.

"Is this my sword? It looks so pathetic and girlish." Rytu noticed that just two of the hilt put together would make up the whole sword. He frowned, and he grabbed the hilt, and pulled it out.

His eyes widened in astonishment as the blade kept on coming, and in the end he had a sword almost as tall as himself, and definitely longer than the sheath. Though the hilt of the katana was white, the blade was black. It had no reflection, and looked very sharp. Rytu tested the weight of the blade, and he looked at the wall he had been punching for so long.

"Go ahead." A voice said in his head. The voice of the woman. "Test me. Tell me if i look so girly then."

Rytu took a stance similar to the one the woman had chosen, and he sliced once. Nothing happened.

"Che, nothing happened. However, i'll keep this sword."

The voice didn't reply. Rytu walked out of the cave. He found himself under the light of the moon. He wondered how much time had passed. His thoughts were cut short when he heard a loud rumble. He grabbed his ears and looked back at the cave, and his jaw dropped in astonishment. The whole top half of the cave and the hill that held it had crumbled. A line had clearly been sliced along it.

Rytu looked at the sword with respect, "Woman, you are the best thing that has happened to me."

The woman chuckled, "Be careful with your words. I loathe romance."

"As do I." Rytu answered. He slashed the blade one last time, and the surrounding rocks and trees split in half. Rytu laughed with happiness.

Offline Faith

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Re: Slice.
« Reply #26 on: May 06, 2010, 08:29:52 AM »
About the grammer part. Yha i usely write it exzactly how i picture it in my head. I am not raelly big on english grammer due to the fact that it was not my first language and I think my counrty focues way to much on it when it more about the story the person it telling. My kids have bad grammer but the storyies they tell me are amazing. IDK TBH but thanks for your imput maybe when the story is done i will let my wife re edit it and fix all the grammer cause i proulby wont :)

Offline Faith

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Re: Slice.
« Reply #27 on: May 06, 2010, 08:44:50 AM »
Very good stroy man. I coudl see pictures of everything. I dont care to much for spell checking or errors i just care you ge your ideas out. I gues si will write the story for the good blade :) i am glade you saw wher ei was goign to let youpick which pieace of th epuzzel you wanted to write i think we are donig a good job so far with it.

Offline legomaestro

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Re: Slice.
« Reply #28 on: May 06, 2010, 10:30:18 PM »
Thanks a lot. To be honest i ran out of ideas so i was hoping you could make the good guy's chapter. And yeah, this is basically a match up for ideas and concept more than grammar. That can easily be fixed later, if we bother with it.

I'm completely okay with how its going.

Offline matsurinoaoi

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Re: Slice.
« Reply #29 on: May 06, 2010, 10:47:29 PM »
It's getting really interesting. I'm looking forward to the good guy's chapter...I like how it's the beginning of an old feud...like, you can see the villan forming instead of just the hero.