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Author Topic: Prey  (Read 22093 times)

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Offline Monsterful

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Re: Prey
« Reply #15 on: March 27, 2010, 01:29:41 AM »
wow this one was a lot better, pretty good, except that the two assassins were really annoying, but i bet that was your intention anyway xD. pretty good battle flow and hitman should remain that, the hitman. xD

Offline Fnnenn Enninn

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Re: Prey
« Reply #16 on: March 27, 2010, 01:55:31 AM »
I enjoyed it.
But one part I found a little inconsistent is that after the assassins were dead and the old man looked at the blades, he was blinded. Then about 20seconds later he looked again and they were covered in blood.
How exactly did that help the Hitman during the fight? It seems they were covered afterwards.
I do like it though, its a good idea and so far is a smart story.
Were going to party like it's 1986/ Blow in the cartridge and get ya' fix./

Offline Account Disabled

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Re: Prey
« Reply #17 on: March 27, 2010, 04:24:51 PM »
Well Kite Shugo Sumi, I'm not 100% sure, but I am pretty confident I said "mostly covered in blood" so it means he had been blinded by a part not yet soaked in blood.

And thanks for the reviews guys, I actually enjoy writing this story, hitmen are pretty interesting, though all I know about them is what I learned from hitman reborn and the first 2 chapters of Black Cat.

P.S. Cause of Shugo's pic I thought it was Kite, sorry about that one.
« Last Edit: March 28, 2010, 01:33:45 AM by Lurking Balmung »
Arcane Judgement - Chapter 5 END (Now being reworked):
http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php?topic=2972.0

Offline Fallen Kite

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Re: Prey
« Reply #18 on: March 27, 2010, 06:06:18 PM »
Eh', I found the two assassins pretty amusing  ;D Too bad they died  :angel:
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Offline Fnnenn Enninn

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Re: Prey
« Reply #19 on: March 27, 2010, 10:33:21 PM »
The assassins were the kinda like the typical Bonnie and Clyde, I enjoyed it.

And it was "Almost completed soaked in blood" I see what you mean.
Were going to party like it's 1986/ Blow in the cartridge and get ya' fix./

Offline matsurinoaoi

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Re: Prey
« Reply #20 on: March 27, 2010, 11:34:57 PM »
I liked it a lot. I LOVED it. Thank you very much~
I am sorry to say that I am not very good at critiquing...sorry...

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Re: Prey
« Reply #21 on: March 28, 2010, 01:34:34 AM »
I'm actually surprised you even read this "Shugo", I figured you'd only be in the break room, or other chat sections.
Arcane Judgement - Chapter 5 END (Now being reworked):
http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php?topic=2972.0

Offline Fnnenn Enninn

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Re: Prey
« Reply #22 on: March 28, 2010, 02:33:38 AM »
I decided that I should do something minor, like aid people in storys, since I can't draw or write myself.
Were going to party like it's 1986/ Blow in the cartridge and get ya' fix./

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Re: Prey
« Reply #23 on: March 28, 2010, 03:03:44 PM »
Well i still figure you should try to write only i ever started was due to fanfics. My stories arent very frequently posted or written either so you would best give aid to others instead.
Arcane Judgement - Chapter 5 END (Now being reworked):
http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php?topic=2972.0

Offline Fnnenn Enninn

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Re: Prey
« Reply #24 on: March 28, 2010, 03:50:04 PM »
I'm trying to keep up on the newer things people are making, and help there too.
Were going to party like it's 1986/ Blow in the cartridge and get ya' fix./

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Re: Prey
« Reply #25 on: March 28, 2010, 06:51:28 PM »
A good idea, but try to make something yourself as well, if you can critique and help someone improve, you've gotta have some ability yourself.
Arcane Judgement - Chapter 5 END (Now being reworked):
http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php?topic=2972.0

Offline Fnnenn Enninn

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Re: Prey
« Reply #26 on: March 28, 2010, 07:16:00 PM »
I've been thinking up ideas for a few days now and I think I may start on one.
Ahh well, Ill give it my best.
Were going to party like it's 1986/ Blow in the cartridge and get ya' fix./

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Re: Prey
« Reply #27 on: March 28, 2010, 07:28:27 PM »
Well I surely don't give it my best, it would be easier to start off slacking and then get into it more and more. Going at something with your all just stresses you out and then you can't think at all.
Arcane Judgement - Chapter 5 END (Now being reworked):
http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php?topic=2972.0

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Re: Prey
« Reply #28 on: March 31, 2010, 08:35:35 PM »
Wrote up chapter three today, figured I should and not lag behind Sumi.

Every chapter more of less has a lot of action in it, but what do you expect? Hitmen never get a moments rest, expecially if you're on duty.



Target Three – Welcome To My Home
*Walking through two large wooden doors, into a European style house with detail in every nook and cranny,  is the
hitman wearing a stylish, yet tattered suit, and the old man that hired him*

Old Man: This is my home.

Hitman: Quite a place you have.

Old Man: Make yourself comfortable.

Hitman: Is that possible with so many stares?

*A small army of maids and butlers stand in front of the hitman and old man, in the middle they split, creating a
pathway to an elegant staircase*

Maids: Welcome back master.

Butler: Is there anything you would like sir?

Old Man: My guest and I will be heading to where Adelina is, bring us both coffees.

Hitman: Even maids and butlers, exactly how rich are you?

Old Man: Does that matter at the moment, hitman?

Hitman: Not exactly, just wanted to know how much money I could get from you.

Butlers & Maids: [He said it so bluntly!]

Old Man: Do not worry, your pay will be high, if you complete this job successfully.

Hitman: Alright, but you better not try to trick me later on.

Butler & Maids: [Hitmen aren’t allowed to say that!]

Old Man: Rest assured I am a man of my word.

*The old man turns to a butler, wearing glasses and a ponytail*

Old Man: Where is my daughter, Adelina?

Butler: She should be in the fifth guest room.

Old Man: I see, let us head to the fifth guest room.

*The old man heads towards the elegant staircase, the hitman follows*

Hitman: Why the hell are there so many guest rooms?

Old Man: The room depends on the guest.

Hitman: And so why is your daughter in a guest room?

Old Man: That room is her favourite, she always sits in that room to read and study.

Hitman: She seems pretty diligent, but isn’t she too old for studying?

Old Man: What are you saying? She’s only 16.

Hitman: What the hell!? You’ve gotta be over 200 yourself, how do you have a girl that young as a daughter!?

Old Man: I’m 74, rude hitman.

Hitman: Oh, I see now, she’s got to be adopted, no way such an old man could be active so late in live.

*Hitman shrugs his shoulders in an ‘of course’ manner*

Old Man: Then how old are you!?

Hitman: 28.

Old Man: Whaaaat!? You look forty!

Hitman: Really? Thanks.

Old Man: It was not a compliment!

*The two reach a door at the end of the hallway, all while still arguing*

Hitman: This is the fifth guest room, right?

*The old man stops fuming and notices he has reached the room*

Old Man: Ah, yes, this is the room.

*The Old Man pushes open the doors*

Old Man: Adelina~~~~~~~~~~~~

Adelina: Guran-Pa?

Hitman: Grandpa?

Guran: I’ve missed you~~~~~~~

*The old man, now identified as Guran, dives towards Adelina with open arms, Adelina smashes his face into the
ground with an axe kick*

Hitman: My god! You’ve killed him!

Old Man: Ehehe, so it’s pink today.

*Guran looks up while his face is ground into the ground*

Adelina: Guran-Pa...have you written your will yet?

*Adelina raises her leg again to repeat the same move*

Guran-Pa: Wait Adelina!

Adelina: No mercy for you!

*Adelina brings her divine axe down but is stopped by the hitman*

Adelina: Wha-? Who are you!?

Hitman: Now, now, if you kill him I can’t get paid.
*
Adelina steps back and the hitman lets go of her foot, the hitman then helps Guran to his feet*

Guran: A good kick as always Adelina.

Hitman: She’s your daughter?  She isn’t any different than a hitman after your head.

Adelina: Hmph.

Guran: No, there is a difference.

*Guran shows a face of seriousness*

Guran: She’s cute~~~

*Guran breaks that intensity in 0.005 seconds and dives at Adelina yet again, the hitman holds onto his foot, Guran’s
face hits the ground for a second time*

Guran: Oomph.

Hitman: I don’t want to have come here for nothing old man, stop trying to die.

Adelina: So then Guran-Pa, who is this man?

Guran: This man is a hitman, I have hired him to deal with that man.

Adelina: You can’t be serious Guran-Pa, there’s no way one man could deal with him, you’d need an entire army to take
out that man.

Guran: Yes, and even then it would be up to fate.

Hitman: You’re kidding...right?

Adelina: Are you even sure about this man Guran-Pa? He’s wearing dirty, tattered clothes.

Hitman: It’s a suit!

Guran: Please don’t insult his suit Adelina, he’s killed over it.

Hitman: In all seriousness, I need to be filled in on this job.

Guran: Of course, just head over there and sit.

*Guran, Adelina, and the hitman walk over and sit down on very comfortable chairs around a coffee table, the hitman
falls asleep*

Hitman: Snore.

Adelina: Don’t fall asleep!

*Adelina slaps him with no mercy*

Hitman: Uh? Oh, right, job.

Guran: I really do doubt this man...

*Opening the doors with a trolley is a maid, she walks to the coffee table*

Maid: I’ve brought you your coffee master.

Guran: Ah, thank you, just lay it on the table.

Maid: Yes.

Hitman: Hmm?

*The maid puts three cups of coffee on the table*

Maid: Would you like the usual one sugar and cream?

Guran: Yes, but firstly I would like to know why you have brought in three cups when I had asked for two.

Maid: Ah, since you had told us you were going to meet with lady Adelina we presumed she would also like a cup.

Guran: I see, very thoughtful of you.

Maid: Of course not, I’m only doing my job.

Adelina: Then I would like the usual fifteen cubes of sugar.

Hitman: That’s a lot of sugar!

Maid: Of course my lady. And for the guest?

Hitman: I’ll take mine full of lead.

*The hitman draws his gun and shoots the three cups of coffee*

Adelina: Kyaa!

Guran: What in god’s name are you doing!?

Hitman: I’d like to ask your maid that same question.

Maid: Heh, so you figured it out.

Guran: What!?

*The maid dashes at the hitman with a dagger she apparently had concealed on her body*

Maid: I won’t be able to kill this old man with you around, so you’ll die first!

*The maid lunges at the hitman and strikes*

Maid: Hah, for a hitman he sure died easily!

Adelina: Aaaaahhh!

Guran: Run Adelina!

Maid: Not so fast!

*The maid turns to Adelina now and tries to run, but she’s held back by something*

Maid: Wha-

Hitman: Who said I was dead?

Maid: But the dagger went right thro-

*The hitman holding onto the dagger has a weapon concealed himself, a tanto hidden in his shirt*

Hitman: Hitmen don’t only use guns.

Maid: Then I’ll just stab you again!

*Before the maid can move, the hitman throws her at the ceiling, the maid slams into the ceiling, only making her
descent even more painful*

Maid: Ugh!

Hitman: I don’t really like hitting women, but you know, as long as you’re my prey, your gender doesn’t matter.

*The hitman takes out his now unconcealed weapon and draws the tant? from its sheathe and walks to the
motionless maid*

Adelina: Stop!

Guran: Hitman, stop it!

*The hitman ignores the two and looms above the maid*

Maid: Y-you’ll die soon enough, hitman...there’s more than...ugh! There’s more than one of us here...

*The hitman looks down at the maid with the eyes of a heartless killer, then he takes his gun in his right hand already
and shoots at the door, sounds of death are heard*

???: Ugh!

Man: Ack!

Woman: Ack!

*Four thuds are heard, silence afterwards*

Hitman: You were saying?

*The maid shows complete and utter fear of the demon above her*

Hitman: I’ve got a job to do, and I’m going to do it flawlessly, as a hitman should.

*The hitman brings his tant? down upon the maid’s heart*

Adelina: K-killer...

Guran: No matter how many times I see a person die....it never becomes right.

*The hitman pulls his sword out from the now dead maid and turns to the two, repulsed by the grotesque sight of
death*

Hitman: This was a warm welcome you gave me old man, but I have to say the coffee sucked.

Without reason or explanation the hitman kills, all for one thing, his job. If you ever wish to stand in front of a hitman,
be sure to have written your will, have said your goodbyes, and to have repented your sins, for no living being in this
world can stop the predator known as a hitman.

Hitman: I actually like my coffee black.
Arcane Judgement - Chapter 5 END (Now being reworked):
http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php?topic=2972.0

Offline Fnnenn Enninn

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Re: Prey
« Reply #29 on: March 31, 2010, 08:57:51 PM »
Great update, I love how the story is going so far =D
He's such a calm badass. 8)
I can't wait to find out about that girl too, she seems like a hotwire.
Were going to party like it's 1986/ Blow in the cartridge and get ya' fix./