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Author Topic: A Brave New World  (Read 2257 times)

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Offline 3rmal

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A Brave New World
« on: March 03, 2010, 12:54:38 PM »
this is the manga im working on!!!! this is the first draft.... i hope you like it... your comments are welcome....

the story talkes about 5 kingdoms and a 1000 years war.... there are a lot f characters...... special people..... the story is focused in a fantasy medieval world........ it is a dialog manga it doesnt have a narator

Offline 3rmal

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Re: A Brave New World
« Reply #1 on: March 03, 2010, 12:56:16 PM »
Chapter 1. "A new start"

No1: "We have to do something.."
No2: "What are you saying? We cant do anything and you know that!"
No1: "But..."
No2: "But what... We cant interfere we are Observers..."
No1: "This time is different the world is..."
No3: "Its the beginning....A new world is coming.... He is back..."
No2: "We knew it...."
No1: "But They arent ready to stop Him this time...."
No2: "The New Order....."
No3: "The brave new word...."

...................................................................
        (  15 years later)
...................................................................

(a boy is traing and he lookes EXHAUSTIT a women all coverd with clothes comes like a islamite women)
Woman: "Darken what are u doing? Stop!!!!"
(he his not there with the mind he didnt hear her voice)
Darken: "i m not weak"
Woman<thinking>: "Darken...."

........................................................

(castle throne room)
Woman: "Daghert what the hell are you doing?"
Daghert: "What do you mean?"
woman: "You know it... Darken our son!!!"
Daghert: "Our son?!! He is not our son!!!"
Woman: "Stop it..."
Daghert: "im tired"
(the woman leaves the room and a soldier comes in)
Solder: "majesty a monster is terrorizing our kingdom,i need authorization to send our army"
Daghert: "no dont do it!!! go away now!!!
Soldier: "but....."
Daghert: "go away..."
..................................................................

Darken: "Father you were watching me?"
Daghert: "I have a mision for you Darken"
Darken: "What? a mision?"
Daghert: "a monster is terrorizing our people... if you want to be the next king go and kill it and bring to me his horns"
Darken: "A monster?!!"
Daghert: "yes, why? are you afraid?"
Darken: "No father im not"
Daghert: "ok go im waiting you"
Darken: "..."

.................................................................
(castle throne room)

Woman: "where is Darken?"
Daghert: "your pet? i dont know"
woman: "what you dit to him?"
Daghert: "nothing he went to kill the moster"
woman: "What.... you re the monster"
Daghert: "it was time to prove his power"


.................................................................

Darken: "Where are you monster? im here to kill you... come on"
Monster: "what a kid hahaha.. fresh meat..."
Darkanarken: "im gona kill you"
(they fight and the kid is down)
Monster: "what happend to you kid? you are to weak"
Darken: "i must win im not weak... im not weak.... father..."
(he lose the control his eyes become black and a black aura cover him)
monster: "what.... whats happening... nooo it cant be true..."
(darken kills the monster)
Darken:"what happend?!!!! i won!!! but how??? lets go home"
.................................................................

Woman: "Im gona save him before.."
Darken: "Im here mother... here are his horns"
Daghert: "what.... how.... no way..."
Woman: "Darken... How you...."
Daghert: "You little freak... im  gona kill you"
(the king try to kill him with his sword but the queen use her body to stop him and she died)
woman: "Daghert noooo"
Darken: "mother....."
Daghert: "Nooooo Aria... nooo"
Darken: "Nooooooooooooo mother"
Daghert: "what i did?!!!"
(the king is shocked darken lose again the control and kill the king)
.................................................................

(a man comes in)
Man: "What you did Darken you killed them"
Darken: "No i didn't.. i dont know"
Man: "Run Darken go away You killed the king.... Save yourself before they come..."
Darken: "No i....."
Man: "The soldiers are coming Darken run..."
(the boy started to run and another man appeares he was invisible)
Man: "Phantom"
Phantom: "yes sir"
Man: "kill him"
Phantom: "yes sir"

.................................................................

(they are in the forest darken is running in front of him apears phantom)
Phantom: "Hi kid"
Darken: "you..."
Phantom: "Die!!!!"
Darken: "nooo"
(the have a fight and they are ON THE EDGE OF THE ABYSS. darken is truing to escape)
Phantom: "you cant escape me"
Darken: "Nooooo"
(darken falls into the abyss)

...............................................

(In the castle throne room)
Man: "Phantom you are back"
Phantom: "Yes sir but the kid will never come back again"
Man: "Finally im the king...."

Offline 3rmal

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Re: A Brave New World
« Reply #2 on: March 03, 2010, 12:57:42 PM »
...............................................................

Chapter2 : " life"
..............................................................
(in the forest in an old house)
Unknown: "Majesty?!!! its a surprise.... I didnt expect you..."
Majesty: "My dear old friend Abur.... Its being a lot of time..."
Abur: "Yes... come on sit down... do you want some tea?"
Majesty: "Yes, thank you...."
Abur: "How is the little King?"
Mayesty: "yes the little king.... he is fine. he is growing up to fast...  i miss Lileth..."
Abur: "Here your tea..."
Majesty: "This war.... I dont know what to do? i need some help my friend.. the people cant stand any more... The enemy is bigger...."
Abur: "I dont know.. how can i help you?"
Majesty: "you are a great mage.... i need you by me side.... i need a friend some one that i can trust...."
(a boy come in)
Boy: "Father father..."
Majesty: "Abur?!! you.... this young man is..."
Abur: "Yes he is my son... what  happend Dragan?"
Dragan<He is angry>: "i cant learn it, its to hard"
Majesty: "hahaha"
Dragan: "Who is this man father?"
Abur: "A friend Dragan.... Go now Dragan....i ll teach some other tricks later"
Dragan: "yes father... Goodbye sir"
Majesty: "goodbye young man.. Abur i didnt know.."
Abur: "I found it in the forest 15 years ago when he was a little child..."
Majesty: "he said he cant learn smth, he is gona be a mage?"
Abur: "i am surprised .... i dont know but he cant learn magic... he has another ability,
Majesty: "i see, he is special... but what are you gone do? are you coming with me? I need you.."
Abur: "ok lets end this war...."
Majesty: "thank you.. im going now, see you at the castel..."
(The kin leaves the house)
.........................................

Abur: "Dragan come on!!"
Dragan: "what father?"
Abur: "we are leaving! a new home is waiting.. new friends.. new life"
Dragan: "ok!!"
Abur: " before we do it promise me that you will not use your powers at full capasity!! ok?"
Dragan: "uffff ok!!!"
Abur: "good! lets go now..."
Dragan: "A new life......"

...................................................

(at the castel)
Dragan: "wow Father, here?"
Abur: "yes Dragan here you like it?"
Dragan: "i love it"
Man: "Abur my old friend welcome!!!!"
Abur: "Spyke... how are you?"
Spyke: "I m fine... ohh this must be Dragan!!!"
Dragan: "hi Sir"
Spyke: " hi Dragan nice to meet you!!you are amage like your father?
Dragan: "A mage?!! im not a mage im much more than a mage!!!"
Abur: "Dragan..."
Spyke: "He is like you abur... the king is waiting you"

..................................................
(throne room)
Abur: "majesty!!"
Majesty: " abur call me Eduard, like old times..."
Abur: "Yes Eduard"
Spyke: "Finaly together again!!"
Abur: "Yes like old times!!!"

...................................................
(some where in the castel)
Boy: "so you are the famous Dragan"
Dragan: "Who are you?"
Boy: "Im the Princ, my name is Taro nice to meet you.."
Dragan: "The princ wow"
Taro: "My father said that you are special show me what can you do!!"
Dragan: " im not so special!!!"
Taro: "Hahahaha dont worry im special too, ok hero show me what can you do!!"
Dragan: "come on princ!!! im ready!!"
(Abur comes in)
Abur: "Dragan what i said to you!!!"
Dragan: "Sorry!!!! But.."
Abur: "But what.. Dragan.."
Taro: "it was my fault..."
Abur: "so you are Taro, you look like your father.."
(the king comes in too)
Eduard: "why you stoped them? i want to see what can they do..."
Abur: "Eduard..."
Eduard: "Abur dont you remember when you where a kid..."
Abur: "Yes always dueling... ok!!"
Eduart: "so we have a battle here are you ready kids!!
Dragan Taro: " Yes we are!!!"
Taro: "Get ready to lose Dragan!!"
Dragan: "No way..."
(the fight and taro wins a sword duel but taro used a kind of energy wave)

......................................................

Taro: "i won!!!!"
Dragan: "uffffffaaaaa!!!!"
Eduard: "A nice duel!!!"
Abur: "Dragan..."
Eduard: "lets go now the dinner must be ready!!!"

.......................................................

Abur: "Dont worry dragan, you will win next time..."
Dragan: "no im not warried, i let him win he is the prince, you remember..."
Abur: "Dragan..."
...........................................................
(The throne room. a soldier comes in)
Soldier: "Majesty, i have important news for you, Daghert and the rest of royal family are dead"
Eduard: "what? how happend? who is the new king"
Soldier: "i dont know how happend but the new king is Jack"
Eduard: "Jack!!!"

Offline 3rmal

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Re: A Brave New World
« Reply #3 on: March 03, 2010, 12:58:41 PM »

Chapter 3: "the war that never end"
.........................................................

(4 mans in a dark room, Eduard, Jack, the elfs king and the orcs king)

Eduard:"welcome jack"
Jack:"why we are here?"
Eduard:"to end this war for the moment just for now!!!we have agreed you are the only one who have to sign. the war that never end!! im tired 1000 years and noone is wining"
Elfs king: " i agree im tired too, and all the elfs too we have to stop this"
Orc king: "im in"
Eduard:"what do you think Jack?"
Jack:"ok what can i say"
Eduard:"5 kingdoms 1000 years war no winer.... Me the king of White land jack the new king of Chaotica, Elefer the king of Eternity(elfs), Gaman the king of Uniti(orcs) and the demons kingom Tartarus when their king died 300 years ago they stoped the war they are neutral now"
(they sign the concord and the leaves)

.......................................................
(Chaotica, Castel, throne room)
Jack<angry>:"phantom!!"
Phantom:"yes sir"
Jack<angry>:"They stoped the war!!! How they did it!!! no it cant be!!!! I have to do smth!!"
Phantom:"what can i do sir"
Jack:"Kill Elefer's son"
Phantom:"ok sir"
Jack:"Phantom, Orcs killed him"
Phantom:"Yes sir"
............................................................
(Eternity, A park, a elf woman and a efl kid are waking)
Kid:"Mother are we going to see the new guy?"
Woman:"yes son"
(Phantom appears)
Phantom:"hi queen"
Woman:"What... Who are you?"
(phantom kills them and disappar)
.............................................................
(Etenity,castel, throne room, a soldier comes in)
Soldier:"Majesty, Majesty"
Elefer:"What?"
Soldier:"the queen and the princ....."
Elefer:"What? What Happend to them? Tell me"
Soldier:"They are dead.... orcs killed them we found some of their footprints"
(Elefer is shocked....he leaves to see the corps...)
..............................................................
(Eternity,Park,The corps are there, alefer arrives)
Elefer<shocked>:"......"
Elefer:"Where is my daughter? no one should know that my son is dead)
(a elf arrives)
Elf:"Majesty...."
Elefer:"Agar.... What they did, we stoped the war but...."
Agar:"Majesty what can we do"
Elefer:"Get ready, the war never ended...the peace is over, we are going to visit Gaman, the army must be ready"
Agar:"Majesty...."
Elefer:"ill kill you Gaman"
.......................................................................
(chaotica,castel, throne room)

Jack:"Phantom"
Phantom:"Im back sir"
Jack:"good"
.........................................................................
(white land,castel, throne room)
Abur:"Eduard...."
Eduard:"yes Abur"
Abur:"Elefer's wife is dead, they are saying that orcs did it"
Eduard:"What?But......"
Abur:"Gaman didnt adimit it"
Eduard:"How the hell...... Finaly we had peace but...."

Offline 3rmal

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Re: A Brave New World
« Reply #4 on: March 03, 2010, 12:59:31 PM »
........................................................................

Chapter 4: "Again And Again"
........................................................................

(eternity,castel, throne room. Eduard and Abur come to visit elefer)
Eduard:"Elefer..... CONDOLENCE"
Abur:"..............."
Elefer:"Thank you!..."
Eduard:"im so sorry..."
Elefer<interupt him>:"Why are you here?"
Eduart:"We are here to talk"
Elefer<interupt him again>:"We dont have nothing to say, dear Eduard the peace is over, i have a lot of things to do so"
Eduart:"Elefer....."
(Eduart and Abur walk out)
(Agar comes in)
Elefer:"Agar are we ready?"
Agar:"yes sir..."
Elefer:"Were is Ange...??"
Agar:"the princes is sleeping"
Elefer:"ok, Lets go now.."
...................................................................................

(Uniti,castel,throne room. a big orc comes in)

Gaman:"Agus you come...."
Agus:"Majesty, elfs are attacking us.... they will be here in 2 days"
Gaman:"Someone is manipulating us, ok agus we have to be ready, we cant lose"
Agus:"yes sir we are ready"
Gaman:"Come on elefer im waiting you..."
..................................................................................

(chaotica,castel,throne room, Jack and Phantom)
Jack:"Phantom"
Phantom:"yes sir"
Jack:"Not sir phantom but majesty.. you siad you killed his son but..."
Phantom:"they are lying majesty and i dont know why"
Jack:"intersting.."
(a man arrives)
Man:"So Jack the war started once again...."
Jack:"im your king Dether control your tone..."
Dether:"hahaha yes you are my king, for the moment but dont forget im one of the 5 lords and you are one of us"
Jack:"I were one of us now im the king..."
Dether:"dear Jack dont play with us.... we know what you did..."
Jack:"Idont understand you?..."
Dether:"Phantom.... i am the comander of the assasins Jack i know every thing"
Jack:"You Bastard"
Dether:"Hahahahaha See you Jack"
...................................................................................

(white land,castel, throne room. Eduard, Abur and Spyke are talking)

Eduard:"So the war started again"
Abur:"Someone is manipulating us we have to find who he is or what it is"
Spyke:"Who can make this... now we cant do anything"
Eduard:"Now we have to think about our kingdom, they changed everything"
Spyke:"Yes now we have to wait"
Abur:"......."
..................................................................................

(Unity out of the castel, the elfs arrives and the battle starts,they fight)
<now lets explan the term special used for taro and dragan... Special peole are peoples that have a borned ability not a learned one like mage....
Character            Ability
Elfs(only elfs with a ability)
Elefer ---- Sounmanipulation .He can manipulate sound. he can create sound waves
Agar  ----- Firethrower from the hands
Aren (general) ----- air slash
Maira(general) ----- Earshot can hear an insect walking in a distanc of 1 km

Orcs
Gaman ------ Super strength.
Agus ------ Super rezistance. his body can stand more then a normal one, like iron body
Axe ------ Focus. he can focus his strength in an object
Agalata ------ Alterrock. she can transform like the thing in fantastic 4

the enter in the castel

Elefer:"Kill them all but gaman is mine"
Aren:"majesty dont go alone"

Gaman:"We cant lose"

(elefer and gaman are fighting they use they powers <use the fanasy people> Gaman kills Elefer and orcs win.....)

.....................................................................................
Ability that were used in this manga
Character         Ability
Phantom ----- invisibility
Taro ----- energy wave

Offline 3rmal

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Re: A Brave New World
« Reply #5 on: April 03, 2010, 12:59:01 PM »
........................................................................

Chapter 5: "Years of Darkness"
........................................................................

White land, the throne room, a young man is seating on the throne, he is wearing the crown he seems not happy , seems that everything has changed. Blond long hair a normal body what happened  to the King Eduard? No way the new king is Taro. Silence everywhere. Footsteps. someone is coming. a man , better a young man, tall in a good shape with a light armor, gray spiky hair.

Taro: “Dragan, you are back”

Dragan: “yes I am, but I don’t have good news!!! We are losing!!”

Taro: “I don’t know what to do anymore. The new alliance is killing us”

Dragan:  “ Chaotica and Uniti formed the alliance, and now we are always under attack Eternity like us is under attack too they cant help us”

Taro: “ Tartarus are neutrals, we need a plan”

Dragan: “Yes but….”

They look despair, their hope is dying they need a miracle. At the same time in Eternity something is happening. A  soldier is running he seems to be in hurry. He is in the castle. A big door and 2 Guardian soldiers stopped him.

Guardian soldier: “Stop there, who are you”

Soldier: “I have news for the king I need to see him Uniti are attacking us”

The door open. The throne room. A big room but it seems so empty only a throne a carpet nothing more. In the throne a masked elf. All covered by clothes  and a light armor. He is the king. Near him is staying an old elf he look like a mage a white one. The soldier entered.

Soldier: “Majesty the alliance is attacking us and our troupes aren’t ready and they are attacking us from the secret road”

Majesty: “what?!”

No one could see his face but they tone of the voice wasn’t normal. The king was terrified

Soldier: “What ….”

The king stopped the soldier. Looks that he don’t want to hear anything else.

Majesty: “you can go now”

The soldier leaves the room

Majesty: “We have a spy! Someone told them about the secret road”

Agar: “I don’t know what to say princess”

When Elefer died his son and his wife were dead too only his daughter was alive. In Eternity only a male elf can be king. So they said that the daughter of the king was killed not his son so his daughter wear a mask to hide her identity.

Agar: “im going to get ready”

No response. The end is near. The kingdom is falling and she cant do anything do save it. Agar leaves the room. A soldier is walking to the castle. He seems not worried. He is smiling. Now he is in the castle. He is searching something or someone. He is in the hall.

Soldier<whispering>: “perfect time”

A elf general is coming. She is a woman.

Maira: “soldier what are you doing here, and perfect time for what?”

Soldier:  “what, how you heard me?……. An ability!!!!”

His eyes are shining he looks like a kid that found a new toy. An evil smile cover his face.

Maira: “so we found the rat”

Soldier: “no you found the devil”

Maira: “Who are you?”

Soldier: “get ready to die”

She seems confused. Who is this soldier? What does he want? The soldier look happy. The battle start. The soldier attack using a dagger.
Maira: “he is to fast I cant see his movements, his not our soldier.

The soldier is attacking and maira is trying to avoid his attacks. He make a move and disappear in the air.

Maira: “I cant see him but I can hear his heart beat… his is back of me”

Too late the last move was fatal for her. Her heart stopped. A slash and her head is now on the floor far away from her body.

Soldier: “to easy now lets hide the body”

A white mist is covering the soldier.
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

A woman is walking in the hall, her face is not shown.

Maira<thinking>: “so the alliance is attacking this kingdom”

He was not a common soldier. A shapeshifter assassin. He get others look when he kill them.

Maira: “lets find a decent body”
..............................................................................

White Land, a small room. Sat on the bed Dragan reflecting.

Dragan<thinking>: “We are lost and I cant do anything to save my home. I need power more power”

His expression changed now he look determinate fire on his eyes.

Dragan: “im sorry father I must do it this is the only way.”

Dragan: “lets kill some freaks I need their ability, lets start the hunt”
......................................................................................

Offline Hasith

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Re: A Brave New World
« Reply #6 on: April 03, 2010, 01:16:37 PM »
3rmal, your dialogs are cool but you have lot of dialogs and very little action. You can't make a whole story with Dialogs ( its possible but won't good for the story ). Spice up the story !! :)

Offline Coryn

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Re: A Brave New World
« Reply #7 on: April 03, 2010, 01:21:00 PM »
ill have to agree with hasith. all you have is dialogue. the few actions you have depicted are one sentence summaries. write out these scenes! also another problem is that every single setting is a throne room. variety is the spice of life but i dont see it here.

Will review stories upon request. My latest arc: http://goo.gl/KYgsfF

Offline 3rmal

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Re: A Brave New World
« Reply #8 on: April 03, 2010, 01:49:14 PM »
Yes it looks cold. But the problem is my english. I can add action but i cant find the worlds or dont know how to write it down. Ill try to make something different add more action on the next chapters if you see i changed the story telling style on chapter 5.

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Re: A Brave New World
« Reply #9 on: April 03, 2010, 01:59:43 PM »
try this then. just write your action scenes using the descriptive words you know. once you do ill take a look at it and give you some good words to use.

Will review stories upon request. My latest arc: http://goo.gl/KYgsfF

Offline 3rmal

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Re: A Brave New World
« Reply #10 on: April 03, 2010, 02:12:29 PM »
Nice ill try this! Thank you man!

Offline Hasith

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Re: A Brave New World
« Reply #11 on: April 03, 2010, 11:18:11 PM »
3rmal, do you read English novels ? If not then you should try. That's the best way to build up your vocabulary. Because those novels have all the words you need. Those help you to learn a lot about things like sentence structures, common phrases and also how to show the nationality of characters etc.

Offline 3rmal

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Re: A Brave New World
« Reply #12 on: April 04, 2010, 02:32:43 PM »
For the moment im reading fantasy books but in italian (italy language) im trying to learn italian better coz i need it for my work! Im not so bad in speaking english but in writing english i dont know how to write the word or the sentence structure thats why i use short sentences when i write something like chapters or letters etc