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Author Topic: The Path of Legends  (Read 222 times)

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Offline ParadoxS7N

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The Path of Legends
« on: June 04, 2022, 12:54:22 AM »
 Prologue

       Silence. The world is calm, the sound of wind only to be heard across a desolate land. Years into the future, buildings are destroyed, no longer pointing to the sky that is now blood red. The silence is broken, the sounds of heavy breathing. An angelic but demonic being, Satan, is kneeling on the ground, facing it with his hands holding himself up. With skin as white as a sheet of paper, he dons a purple armor, wearing black metallic pants and armored boots. Sweat drips down from his face, leaking from exhaustion, pushed to the edge. His hands clutches the ground, dirt now in his hand as he has had enough. Satan looks up at the sky, furiosity in his blood red demonic eyes. A human, Dane, comes crashing down from the sky into Satan, a dust cloud covering up the aftermath. The next second, Satan leaps out of the smoke, staying close to the ground with Dane following. Dane begins throwing punches at Satan, becoming relentless as the punches fly at speeds almost invisible to the naked eye. Satan continues backing up from the assault, blocking and deflecting whatever punches he can before being overwhelmed. One of Dane’s punches slips through the crack, heading straight to Satan’s gut. Satan gags from the blow, taking the full force of the attack. Unable to respond fast enough, Dane follows up the attack with a jumping spin kick, hitting Satan in the jaw. Satan is sent flying off the ground and away from Dane from the force of the impact. Upside down in the air, Dane tries to not let up as much as possible. This is made obvious as he shoots out four white energy blasts from his hands, heading in the direction of Satan who is now recovering from the attack. Quickly, the blasts catch up to Satan, but not before Satan plants his feet back into the ground, standing tall as with great determination, and uses his arms to deflect the energy blasts behind him.
        Once the last one is sent behind him, Satan looks ahead of him and to his surprise, sees Dane now in front of him, ready to attack again. The blasts go off behind Satan, lighting up Dane’s face of confidence, aiming to end this fight as soon as possible. Satan looks at Dane, surprise quickly fades as Satan grows tired of this farce.
        This human… besting me? Me?!, Satan thought, refusing to believe it to be possible. With extreme frustration, Satan gives a loud yell, a black and red energy shockwave suddenly shooting out of him, surprising Dane and destroying Satan’s surroundings. Dust clouds kick up, a small crater created under Satan as the shockwave ends. Satan catches his breath, unable to relax as he feels… something. He looks up and sees Dane, in the air. Dane looks down at him, his gaze is empty, telling Satan this battle is already decided for him. Dane starts coming crashing down again, this time he is spinning in the air, preparing for a kick. Satan, angered, prepares his own attack. One fueled by hatred for one person, for one human. As the two get close, Satan’s yells out at Dane, fueled by hate and determination.
        "I… will never lose to a human. Especially to one like you… Dane!"
« Last Edit: June 04, 2022, 05:59:56 PM by ParadoxS7N »

Offline Suuper-san

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Re: The Path of Legends
« Reply #1 on: June 04, 2022, 05:30:37 AM »
A nice punchy read, very quick into the action. A good description of the action punch-by-punch, made it easy to follow what was happening.

I'm not much of a writer so I can't offer too much advice, but you used the term "figure" twice to introduce the characters. Typically I see "figure" used for unidentified people, i.e. too far away etc.
I think if Satan yelled out the last line, rather than just thought it, would sound better.

Also, given it's a prologue it's probably not too relevant as it's meant to be quick to the action, but a bit of context would make the characters and location more relatable, I.e. Satan as in actual Satan, or just a guy called Satan? A description of his horns or red skin would make it more clear. I don't even know if Satan is the good guy or the bad guy. Some dialogue from Dane might help, i.e. "I'll never forgive you demons for destroying my world!". Also the setting certainly sounds cool with a red sky and buildings destroyed, but...why is it red, why were the buildings destroyed etc, was it demons, was it an earthquake, why did they not get rebuilt? although you probably plan to answer these things at some point in the story.
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Offline ParadoxS7N

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Re: The Path of Legends
« Reply #2 on: June 04, 2022, 05:47:41 PM »
I will take what you said into consideration as I do agree with a few of the things you suggested. It's good it does leave you with questions as it'll make you want to read more to answer those questions. So you'll be pondering those for a bit lol

Offline Suuper-san

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Re: The Path of Legends
« Reply #3 on: June 05, 2022, 04:21:18 AM »
hehehehehe well I'm looking forward to finding out the answers :D
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Offline Coryn

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Re: The Path of Legends
« Reply #4 on: June 20, 2022, 03:34:13 PM »
I broadly agree with Suuper's points. The action is easy to follow, although it is a little clunky at times. For instance when you describe Satan doning armor mid fight, you could easily rephrase it so he's already in armor. As is it feels like an odd thing to happen.

Also curious about the exact theology here. If we're looking at this from a sort of devilman or paradise lost point of view (and it kinda feels like that's the case), then calling Satan by his name works well since "satan" is more of a job title and not a proper name. But as Suuper said, the actual story should clear a lot of this up. Still you should aim to eliminate these kinds of uncertainties during a prologue. You want a prologue to wet the whistle, not bring up questions. It might be better to omit names all together (at least until the very last second). That way it's more of a cliffhanger.

@Suuper: I do believe the last line is meant to be said out loud. The American formatting default is for spoken dialogue to be between double quotes.

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Offline Suuper-san

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Re: The Path of Legends
« Reply #5 on: June 23, 2022, 09:44:23 AM »
Curious, I wonder why I thought it was not dialogue...must have just misread it XD
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