@coryn thanks for the feedback!
this is almost the perfect level of feedback I'm looking for, to attack the issues with the main plot and core story.
The art style is really just to draft/represent the script idea, so it's not a "final" version at all. It's very close to a first draft style. Ideally I'd like to work with just a script and have no art, but I think it's crucial to develop both skills at the same time hence me producing low quality pages.
OK so to answer your questions I'll have to give away quite a bit of spoilers, although this is a developing story so that's how it goes. If you think certain points should have been mentioned explicitly then it would be good to know if I should have put some things in when I didn't.
1) I didn't want the intro to be too long so I abbreviated it heavily from the idea in my head. Basically when the Users start to appear, enough of them used their abilities for breaking the law, stealing/robbing/shoplifting etc, which led to other normal criminals joining in the chaos, making it worse. The general public reacted in panic and hate (especially with regard to mind-reading, invisibility and other "questionable" Abilities), rioting and pouring fuel on the flames. This led to "good" Users getting doxxed and the like, which led to more Users reacting to protect themselves.
The army involvement also had Users, although they were heavily under the army's control (brainwashed etc) because the army also didn't trust the Users but their powers were too useful to ignore (mind-reading for example)
That's the reason the organisation is operating in secret, they view themselves as superheros (especially the younger ones), but the public is heavily suspicious of them still. It's changing towards acceptance, but just not yet.
2) That's probably because fireballs are the easiest to draw, I really should have given one of the thugs a different power, but fire is pretty threatening and powerful so gangs would want pyrokinetic ability Users in their ranks.
I'm also struggling on the range of powers I want to have in my story, I'm not going as creative as x-men or BnHA because I'd rather work with a smaller range of abilities given the high rate I'm developing my story.
Generally anything that alters the body is out (i.e. transforming), so I'm going with elemental for the most part, with telekinesis, telepathy, and some other random default powers like healing because I like that.
Sorry about the hair floating, I don't know why I added that feature. I just like drawing floating hair ehehe
EDIT: I completely forgot the hair floating is just because any ability will alter reality around the user, and so small objects will float regardless of ability. hair being light, floats the easiest. a User using a powerful ability would have other objects float too, such as their clothes or pieces of rubble etc.
3) That's well noticed, and it's deliberate. Sam's ability, while currently being nerfed (he only has one eye glow as well), is incredibly powerful and basically is a "power of words" ability, where what he says, becomes real or effected. So in the whole story only he has to say his ability out loud, and he uses other words as well for different effects. Later on he uses "shatter" to break apart rubble.
I'm fluffing around the exact reason since I don't know it, but all Abilities are based on some part of the brain being developed and "connecting" to some other plane of reality to affect the current reality. I suppose in Sam's case, his ability is also connected to the speech part of the brain. That sounds good enough. But without being explained, it certainly seems strange, I can understand that. I dont know how I would fix that. A few chapters down I do directly point out that he has to say the command out loud and how that differs from others.
4) There's a couple of limits on mind-reading abilities, as well as the character herself.
Annabelle has a cliched "mind reader reads the minds of their friends and finds out that they're lying to her" backstory, and so while not always an issue, she doesn't like using her ability out of old trauma. That's why she sadly responds to Emily saying "that's a cool ability" with "no, it really isn't". perhaps that needed more emphasis.
Also mind-reading is not an all-powerful ability (everyone in-universe thinks it is though), you can only read what the mind "freely gives", so it's harder to read secrets that people are heavily protecting and so-on. that was the general idea.
5) yeah no idea on rate of introducing characters yet, that's a tough cookie tbh
As for Emily's "test", the actual boss is super open minded and accepts anyone at first glance, to the mind-reading girl's dismay. This specific branch of the organisation is more like an orphanage and the boss views himself like everyone's uncle and picked them off the streets basically. Given this leads into them fighting quite a lot it's a bit of a paradox, but generally children are stronger and so he honestly believes they'll be fine.
As it is, it feels like we missed a chapter 2.5 when Emily became trusted enough to come inside the HQ.
That's because of the boss being so accepting that even the mind-reader girl knows that Emily is going to be accepted and so she goes along with it, but complains the whole way.
6) that's two-fold again. Time passed without warning, so the chapter ends at 9am. I had no way of passing the time without spamming another chapter of random touring the base, and so just jumped. That's probably my largest "deliberate" mistake so far. sorry :P
And secondly, the base is technically part of a larger organisation, there are actual rules and regulations, none of which are being followed in this branch, which is why Annabelle gets so frustrated because she's a stickler for the rules.
The other branches are much more considerably adults and operate more regimented army style.
Hope that answered your queries, as I said, let me know if those justifications could or should have been included in the chapters somewhere, but mostly everything I have said will come out in the next 10 chapters or so. so I think it's the order of exposition that's an issue.
Topic: Eclipse [Prototype] (Read 3394 times)
