Just a few more steps… the light was near. Holy flames illuminated the darkness. Only a bridge awaited him in the circular room.
+
Action = seeing as this is a Novel like style and that we are beginning right into the action. it would be important to get a little more description of where we are and what is around us
It can be brief and layered on as the story goes on but at the moment things seem to appear out of nowhere
You mention metal, then a lava room[are these the holy flames?] and a bridge
Are we indoors? An evil fortress? A volcano? Kinda hard to get a picture of what is around us when you mention metal
All i can picture is mt.doom from LOTR with metal work instead of rock
+
Falling off would incinerate him in seconds. He must endure it—entering the room was enough to make his forehead sweat. But, this wasn’t the time to complain. Time was of the essence.
+
Action = Curious to why the evil guys have this tightrope esk bridge. If it's a security feature, like it was a wide bridge and became narrow for intruders then why not just cut off access entirely?
Seeing as the girl dropped from above there must be another accessway, that or she flew which brings the bridge style even more into question.
If not then why is this bridge so narrow? Seems unnecessary dangerous as it's already hard to breath from the lava/ holy flames/ and surely super heated metal on the bridge
It's more likely to kill the ones guarding this place then any intruder
+
Sickness filled the air, and the people were caught by it. Coming from a different world, he was unaffected. He must destroy the generator otherwise the people would continue to grow sick.
+
Action = this confused me, it sounds like there are people right here, right now with this setup. Also the generator, what is it? Where is it? Seeing as this is a magic type world is this a magic orb? A scary stick? Or what? Little descriptions like what it is or looks like, can really help paint your world and color our imagination to what our hero is seeing
+
The dreaded hot wind from the pool of lava blew through his soul as he progressed. His hands swelled, turning red the further he continued. Oxygen became harder to grasp, his breaths shortened, and his vision nearly blurred.
+
Action = it seems like the hero knows what he was in for this mission.
since he was told about the NEW Unit by someone. So why does he not have any preparation for this mission? Nothing to cool him down? Nothing to defend against the heat?
Did the person who told him about New fail to mention the generator was also in a volcano fortress?
+
Almost there, he thought. A couple of steps into the room nearly exhausted him. How he was able to endure such heat, he didn’t know.
It would seem easy to reach the next room until he saw a young girl fall in front of him. Unlike the guards he disposed of before coming here, this one wasn’t going to be easy.
+
Action = if this device is so important that it's the essential core in means to create a plague, why is there only New to defend it?
And 2nd, it’s mentioned he beat up some guards. Were there only 1-2 guards watching this essential place with New?
If so that's rather odd they leave this place so weakly defended
If not it's even more strange to why there is no backup chasing this kid down
Unless he managed to defeat this entire fortress on his own
+
He had been warned about her. It was only a matter of time when she would come—he knew what to do, searching through his pockets until he pulled out a stick.
“So you must be Project Device Type-0013 NEW?”
“Analyzing…Target…Complete…Returning into Memory Mode…” Then, her eyes opened, their gazes interlocking with each other. She met his chestnut eyes while he glared into her azure eyes. “Kotaro! Have you come here to kill me…again?”
He recalled no memories with her. Nevertheless, he knew what to do. “I’m not here to kill you. I’m here to destroy whatever is causing the smoke.”
+
Action = wait so there is smoke now? Does this room have a roof? If so How can he see/ breathe? Also it kinda hits the ear wrong when it seemed like he was crossing the bridge to GET to the generator on the other side, but it sounds like that is not the case
So why is this room so extremely dangerous if not to protect the generator? Is it just a lava room with a narrow bridge for the specific reason for New to battle intruders here?
Seems a little excess but if that's the case why make a bridge at all?
+
Suddenly, NEW burst into laughter. “Oh, Kotaro! You’re so funny!”
Then her high-pitched tone shifted. “You know that can’t happen…You and I are meant to be…”
Kotaro remembered the most important warning to this battle. He mustn’t lose. Despite the fiery heat burning him, his determination to fight pushed him to his limits.
“Power Sword!” Kotaro commanded, the stick in his hand morphed into a steel sword.
NEW smirked, “Yay! Let’s have fun and kill each other again!” The high-pitched tone of her sweet and innocent voice became more sinister and evil.
Kotaro charged towards her, readying his attack.
“Project Device Gear Activate,” the girl commanded. A sword-shaped object fell between the two. A single slash from Kotaro knocked him away, causing him to drop his sword.
+
Action = seeing as he was told about NEW by someone, i’m surprised he did not look around for her flying blades the moment he saw her unless his informant neglected that fact.
Also seeing as she is pretty determined to just kill him effectively and not play/ tease/ mock or even savor her kill i'm surprised she did not impale him with her flying swords when she was hidden away, Then drop down for their death hug
+
His hand made contact with the metal floors. Absorbing the heat from below, Kotaro groaned roughly—yet he remained calm and endured the pain. Picking himself and his sword, he watched the giant sword disperse into pieces of armor for NEW.
Her cloak disappeared, replaced by a thick azure suit with gray metal shoulder plates. Two sharp steel appeared in NEW’s hand, and their battle commenced.
Swords clashed into a shower of sparks. NEW’s laughter filled the battle. She attempted to finish the fight by impaling her opponent.
Luckily, Kotaro kicked her away from him, resulting in her to lose balance.
Now’s my chance! He dashed forward with a readied slash.
Then, it occurred, and it would always happen: the Infinite Loop…
No matter how what happened or how many times it changed, the conclusions remained the same. Fresh crimson stained the floors.
The days continued to repeat itself, and eventually, the two would come to meet once more in combat. In their fight, he fell into battle again, and the day would repeat again.
This was not the first of his attempts. The world went round and round, a never-ending world it became. The kaleidoscope never stopped.
“How did you…get me?” Kotaro panted as he convulsed a pool of scarlet. Unknown to him, a cold steel impaled his chest from behind.
“Summoning Technique: Undefined Saber. I thought you knew I was bound to use Skills for our fight,” said NEW. Smoke-like particles of energy billowed from her fingertips. “But I was wrong…”
+
Action = was the line meant to be “But you were wrong”? Otherwise she's making a statement she later claims is wrong, does she mean her assumption was wrong on Kotaro? That she knew that HE knew she would use skills? It's kinda hard to understand what is being said here. Perhaps you could clear it up for me
+
His eyes widened, “How? You’re breaking the Skill Rules…how did you—”
It didn’t take long for him to realize. She may express signs of sentience, but she was an artificial entity.
+
Action = realize what? Also it seems he is getting a lot of surprise from someone he supposedly got intel on. Was the intel that bad or just very brief?
+
Carelessly, she walked towards Kotaro, ignoring the pain of the sharp steel piercing through her chest. At last, they were together.
+
Action = when did she get stabbed? Or are you saying she stabbed herself while walking to him? Might need to space that apart so we know what’s happening
+
“Let’s become one, Kotaro! Let me accept you!” she exclaimed, smiling. “Engaging Project Device Type-0000 THE END…unleashing the ultimate power.”
Wrapping her arms around Kotaro, NEW jumped into the pit as she dragged his lifeless body. They burned into cinders until the pool of lava slowly changed into an emerald hue.
Behind a magical barrier, two individuals watched their battle. “And he failed once more…”
+
Action = so they were just floating around, i guess in the smoke?
+
The golden-haired man rested his parasol on his shoulders. Darkness slowly corrupted the azure sky, and an eclipse emerged.
“I’ll see you again, Yuuki Nohara…” said the lady in red robes, standing next to him.
“Kamiyama Shrine Maiden, how many loops have we experienced? Even our efforts to hone his skill wasn’t enough. That machine keeps adapting.”
“This is our twentieth loop,” the tears and worries had been dried for the shrine maiden. “Kotaro…we’ll meet again.”
The golden sun arose like a baby,
+
Action = arose like a baby? Does that have a specific meaning? Not quite sure what this line meant
+
painting the darkness into light; the snow remained motionless upon the green; and soon the fork in the road would change his life forever.
+
Action = i’ve notice how you keep flip flopping between your descriptions and similes, for example the above line
You describe dark to light then the snow/ green which I assume is grass perhaps?
So i assume it's morning somewhere
But then the next words are a metaphor out of nowhere and it's quite jarring
+
Comfortably cuddled in his blanket, the instrument of time rang a song of capriccios. Brows adjusted before a pillow was placed over his head. The sound wouldn’t stop.
“Kotaro, breakfast is ready!” echoed a serene voice across the hallway.
He arose from his bed like a hero from a story.
+
Action = did he pose or something? Curious to what you meant by that
+
His eyes were met with a paper portraying a courageous man pumping his chest forward. To his left arrayed a set of three wooden boards with a collection of movies, including books. Kotaro walked up to his working desk, retrieving all of the unfinished papers
+
Action = papers of what? A minor nitpick but is it school papers? Drawings of the courageous man? Little details like this can help build to the who and what of your MC
+
and shoving them into his folder, and then into his backpack.
Exiting his room, he progressed through the hallway on his left. He continued on his way to the halls, passing the living room to his right, and heading straight to the kitchen.
It seemed to be a normal day. A typical morning routine. Breakfast.
“Thanks for the meal, mom!”
After one final spit into the sink, Kotaro picked up his backpack before heading out to school.
+
Action = might need to add him brushing his teeth or some notion to that, on my first read i thought he spat out the breakfast behind his moms back
+
“Have fun in school!” said Amanda.
+
Action = stange you use her name here when it was mom before it's almost like their is another member inside his household
+
“I will,”
Vehicles drove by as the cold wind blew about, and the white snow fell upon the earth. One of the neighbor’s homes bore a bell hanging on the porch where it constantly chimed by winter’s breath.
Nothing could go wrong until he encountered a fork in the road. Darkness lurked in the alley. No one touched the path before. Even his friends dared him to enter it.
+
Action = this will be touched on later down below on the final review but i’ve noticed a problem comprehending your story, and it's really hard to know what i should be imagining at this time, you describe so little i have no idea what to think
I can’t tell if this is a village or a busy city or a small town or anything, things just seem to appear apparently now we are somewhere with an alley that I guess is between 2 buildings? Huts? I have no idea because you also say it's a fork in the road implying this is out in the open
Setup is very important, a suggestion would be to give a light summary of where we are or what we are looking at
For a quick example
“As the morning chill swept across the bustling city, from it’s steel skyscrapers to the smallest homes.
it’s icy bite kissed Kotaro cheek as he maneuvered his way between the crowds of people occupying every inch of the sidewalk.”
Something very simple but gives us a idea of where we are, we can imagine such a place with skyscrapers and filled with people to help paint us a picture
+
Kotaro was too scared to move. However, he lost a bet. He had to check what was behind on the other side.
+
Action = why? Kinda strange to bring this up about a bet because why was he so afraid to go in when he at least had people to back him up? But now when he is alone, he thinks this is now a good idea?
+
Neither Rocky nor Ging were around, so he could check the dark path quickly. He extended his right leg forward. The young man felt the strong chill breathing down his spine.
Nonetheless, he continued. There was no turning back at this point.
Cold. Dark.
His heart raced at a fast tempo.
Warm. Bright.
“Hm?” A dim light shone ahead. Whether it was an illusion or not, the snow was no more. Colorful avians soared through the environment of life. Trees were vibrant with branches having multiple pink spots on them, or even the entire tree itself becoming the color of the sun itself.
More winged creatures flew by, and Kotaro managed to catch a quick glimpse of its appearance before it swiftly flew into the wandering skies.
An obscure, slithering snake with wings of a butterfly flew past Kotaro. A shy, crimson skinned, and sharp-tipped squirrel picked up a piece of nut left on the ground before retreating straight into the forest. He continued onward, encountering a large silver cat with curved horns. Its menacing appearance intimidated the young man, but he was lucky the cat had zero interest in him.
+
Action = this here is a good example of setting up the scene it's much easier to imagine the upcoming events with it. But this next issue will also be touch on later with Kotaro
But the fact is he does not react
He seems very hollow, imagine he was in a winter wonderland of his hometown and moments later he is transported to a warm area with weird creatures
But he has no reaction to it
In fact it's so low on his priorities he remembers he has to go to school
That be like seeing a dinosaur and then remembering you forgot to turn off the stove
Another thing is why is this world so easily accessed? If this is just a casual alley way in a populated area how is this world not discovered?
We later learn from Riku that people do come in here and get attacked
So why is that alleyway not Anything? Noticed? Studied? People go in and don’t come out. It's not by chance it's just a doorway, and ignoring the fact why the doorway is even there. This is a place that is dangerous
Imagine, there is a building in your hometown that once you go inside no matter what time of day, you suddenly disappear and never seen again
That building would have hundreds of witnesses and people seeing it with their own eyes
There is no way this place would not be discovered in such a populated area
+
Embracing this world’s heat, he carried his winter jacket to the side. Then, he remembered. School. He only came here to check, so he turned around.
However, to his surprise, something was out of place. How long he spent walking in this path, he wasn’t sure. One thing he knew was that he continued a single path. Yet the path he previously took seemed to imply that he had taken several turns.
+
Action = wait what? If he was only walking one way how would he see his previous path? Do you mean he turned around and saw his footprints?
If he can clearly see his footprints why not just follow them the way back?
+
“Where am I?”
Returning would be impossible. No, this must’ve been a dream. This had to be an illusion.
He could hear the peaceful chirps of birds distort into sounds of metal scraping against another metal. Anxious, Kotaro ran in whatever direction he laid his eyes on. He covered his ears and increased his pace at which he was traveling through the forest.
+
Action = rather a strange jump
He comes in with no reaction to the wonders of this world
Remembers school
Thinks he is lost despite him seeing his footprints
Suddenly panics and freaks out as the world sounds suddenly become scary
Might help if we start with his initial reaction of this world and him trying to make his way back but the illusions do not let him
Then perhaps the cute forest slowly becomes more menacing causing Kotaro to freak out
+
No matter how fast he ran or how hard he tried not to perceive the hellish chirps, his eyes caught the upcoming trees growing larger in size, and the bark slowly shaped into murderous grins. Crowds of ghostly waves of laughter manifested within the forest.
His eyes shut. Kotaro refused to stop moving his legs. Blinded by his fear, he tripped on a stick—or a rock. Heavy breaths were released. Sweat poured down his forehead, and his hands dug into the soft ground.
A rough growl quickly caught his attention, so he raised his head. He was startled by the sudden appearance of a dark figure.
“Meat…meat…meat!” The dark image became clear, and Kotaro saw the sight of a shirtless man, his ribs showing and his wrinkled face almost seemingly about to rot in any second.
+
Action = curious to why a Yokai is in a human form in it’s own realm, while everything else here is more or less in it’s true form
It's really strange since it's not using the form for stealth since it just walked up to Kotaro saying Meat.
And it's also decaying so it's not to deceive him
Just rather odd of why it's not in it’s true form
+
The sight to behold was grossing; its grotesque form wanted Kotaro to vomit in disgust.
“D-Do you want some snacks?” Kotaro offered.
+
Action = feels rather rushed, since we don't know Kotaro current state such as fear or anger or anything other then sickly
perhaps after the vomit line he tries to communicate with the beast
But it only Replies with Meat
Then Kotaro can become Afraid/nervous or what have you
And offer snacks
This way we as the reader can join in on the emotions of Kotaro
+
The stranger had different plans. He swiftly charged towards the young man, but Kotaro was quick to push him away.
+
Action = Wait push him away? I thought the old man was super strong
+
“Meat!” the old man grinned, revealing his large canines. He wasted no time on his prey.
Attempting to defend himself, Kotaro threw his fist at the delirious human; however, the stranger managed to catch it before throwing him into the ground. Despite his puny appearance, the old man was rather strong.
This was no ordinary human. Crimson eyes stared into Kotaro’s soul. The hungry man howled, and then he started leaping at the young man. Only death awaited poor Kotaro.
Suddenly, moments before Kotaro would meet his end, a young lady in red-and-white robes kicked the aggressor away from the young man.
The old man quickly picked himself up, screeching in a pitch that was no longer human. “Shrine maiden! Me want to eat!”
His heart pounded vigorously. Everything was happening all too quick, Kotaro wasn’t sure what was happening.
The old man attempted to move around the priestess, hoping to find some sort of opening for his prey. She kept her eyes on the aggressor, paying close attention of his body language and any antics he was planning to pull.
It was clear he was limited in what he could do. The only option he had: to attack the girl himself. And so, he did.
The old man leaped forward with his sharp claws and teeth. He was faced with the priestess’ hand. A mere hand caused him to retreat and rethink his actions.
He crouched on all fours. “Me knows what shrine maiden can do. Hand scary! Hand bad!”
“But shrine maiden no good if she don’t see!” His hands dug into the dirt.
Before he gained the chance to act, the shrine maiden manipulated the earth with a simple stomp to the ground. The earth was materialized from underneath, and it struck the old man’s stomach.
+
Action = feels kinda strange that if this girl can manipulate earth with magic why she did a drop kick instead of using magic, as clearly she can use it from a distance and that it's very quick
Why not use a magic wall to protect kotaro or that attack she did above since she already had the element of surprise, why the drop kick?
Kinda gives the vibe she was watching Kotaro freak out then jumped in at the last second despite later on we know that’s not the case
+
He laid lifeless on the dirt. The young woman slowly approached him.
“Who are you?” Kotaro stopped her.
The girl took a quick glimpse—both their chestnut eyes interlocking and trading glazes. He saw two matching crimson tubes on her sidelocks.
Their staring contest didn’t last long as the old man quickly recovered. Learning the might of the shrine maiden, the old man retreated into the forest.
She sighed in irritation. Narrowed brows, she turned her sight away from him. Then she began walking.
“Hey wait, who are you?” Kotaro followed her. “Are you even listening?”
“Stop following me…”
+
Action = why would she say that? Later we learn she WANTS to send him home and in fact was leading him to the shine TO send him home. So why tell him to stop following her? On top of that why does she not take him the way they came? It's also curious why Kotaro does not ask this since she’s just taking him deeper into the forest
Also why doesn't Kotaro ask her how to leave? Why is he quietly following her and not asking anything? Didn't he want to leave?
+
Despite her order, he continued following her. Remaining here would be a fool’s death wish. Occasionally, the two exchanged a couple of stares, but most of the time, the two sauntered the unknown trail.
Walking through the mysterious woodland, Kotaro encountered many creatures in different shapes and forms. He even came across this world’s greatest abomination.
+
Action = might help to describe the creatures abit thus far they seem to be just bigger versions of our worlds woodlife creatures, if this is magical it might help to build up on that here while they walk around
+
A titanic-sized arachnid peacefully passed by. The girl began petting it near its fangs; the spider hardly reacted.
Kotaro, on the other hand, picked up a stick and went into a defensive stance. But he was quick to notice the stick crawling within his hand. Dropping the stick, he watched it slithered into the nearest bushes.
+
Action = this feels reversed again Kotaro had no initial reaction until Riku started to pet the spider
When it already shown to be friendly
A suggestion would be that the spider appears
Kotaro grabs the stick to attack it
Riku walks past him and pets the spider showing that this creature is friendly
Then the stick wiggles away
+
A sudden giggle caught his attention. “What’s so funny?”
She immediately stopped laughing, turning her sight back to the trail. Kotaro could see a slight smirk on her face. Progressing through the forest, Kotaro discovered more unusual things; flowers had birch stems while some plants radiated in multiple colors; trees had venus flytraps as leaves while other trees bled the color red.
“We’re here…” the girl announced. The wind blew behind them. Two leaves danced along the skies; one of them, black and withered, faded away into the ground, and the other leaf, green and fresh, continued flying into the azure skies.
+
Action = curious to what she would have done if he didn't follow her, after all she did not kill the Yokai if he actually listened to her and left
couldn't the beast just attack him again once Riku is far enough away?
+
A path of cobblestone stairs awaited them, ascending to the very top. At the end mark, a tall scarlet gate stood as a rock. A familiar energy slowly returned to him.
My dream, he recalled. Something about this world brought him a sense of familiarity.
+
Action = wait so the prologue was the dream? I thought it was a event before the reset and him waking up was just the start of the chapter, it raises more questions to why he was so unfamiliar with this world and people since Riku was someone he knew
+
Two boys passed through Kotaro as they raced each other to the top. One of them bore the same face as Kotaro, except more younger.
+
Action = might need to preface that with it being a memory or him lost in thought as it stands it's jarring to suddenly have 2 people around in a apparently abandoned place
+
Smiles. Joy. Laughter. But, Kotaro realized there weren’t any kids. He awakened from his illusions, meeting a sacred house, with small stairs ascending to the entrance to the house, and a large rectangular box laying in front of the house. The roof was triangular in shape, having two other roofs intersecting from the sides of the triangular roof. To his left and right, two standing stones evenly spaced glowed azure.
The rain of nostalgia returned him. Have I been here before? Why does it feel so familiar?
“Welcome to the Kamiyama Shrine,” the girl announced. “My name is Riku Kamiyama, the Kamiyama Shrine Maiden.”
“Kamiyama Shrine Maiden?”
“That old man who attacked you? He was a yokai, disguised as a human. It’s my job to protect humans from monsters like him.”
+
Action = then why is she not guarding the gateway? If she knows humans come in and get killed why does she not stay on the other side of the alleyway and turn them back?
Also if that ally is a gate why did she take him deeper in and not the way Kotaro came?
Is she the bridge between worlds?
if she is the only gateway to the outside world, then why did she not encourage Kotaro to follow her seeing as he could not get home on his own?
If this is a time loop that has happened 20 times she should know by now when and where Kotaro will enter since events keep repeating
+
Kotaro widened his eyes, “Wait! That person wasn’t a human?”
She nodded, “Recently, monsters have been emerging and attacking careless humans in the Forest of Nothingness. They’ve become more ruthless and deadly as the days—”
Riku stopped herself. Kotaro was a mere human outside of this world’s comprehension. “Forgive me, but this world doesn’t concern you. I will…send you home right away.”
“But, I have more questions!”
+
Action = why only now though? And not the entire way here? In fact, why did Riku suddenly start speaking exposition unprompted to Kotaro instead of just sending him home?
She does not want to involve him yet it seems she is doing everything in her power to do just that very thing instead of just sending him home
+
“You don’t belong here, K—,” she turned her face away, “Outsider…”
“What if there’s some way I can help?”
+
Action = i really can't get a read on this guy, he is so weak against the yokai and so confused by this world he is held by it's mercy as we saw him fleeing from spooky trees and birds
On top of that he was just introduced to this crazy place perhaps an hour ago? But he seems so casual about it like he went out of town but now he wants to help it without knowing a single thing about anyone or anything?
+
Riku froze. Her pupils dilated. The history of words flickered like a flash of a lightbulb, endlessly repeating itself. No matter how it changed, words of time remained the same; and history would soon repeat.
+
Action = This is another issue with reset storys , you have made it clear on Kotaro is unaware of the reset
But everyone else is Aware, yet the story and characters do not reflect this information, i will get into more detail at the end
+
How many times had she heard him say those words? More than twenty times.
“I will fix it!” Riku murmured.
“What did you say?” Kotaro leaned closer, unsure what she said.
“You must return, Outsider. Densetsu is not a safe place for people like you.”
“Densetsu? What’s that?”
“This is Densetsu, the world of the Legends. Ten powerful individuals were given the power to keep this world intact and in balance; they are known as the Legends.”
+
Action = does she want to send him home or not? She seems adamant but stops everything to answer him when she knows it puts him in danger of repeating the past
+
“So like…gods?”
Riku shook her head. “Close, but the Legends have been gifted by the power of a greater god who surpassed all other gods. This great god is known as the All-Creator, the God of Creation. Their powers far exceed any god you can imagine.”
+
Action = this is all kind of heavy and very thick in exposition, it's also a little confusing since we know so little about this world we don’t understand it's power structure in it's gods
Are they like the greek gods who have a dominion that is an aspect of this world?
Are they just really strong beings with magic?
We are just told they are gods and a greater god better than all the gods that we didn't know even existed till earlier that very line
If it's to raise the stakes or open up the world
we first need to know what this world even is to even attempt to grasp at the scale of what RIku is saying
Also why is Riku so chatty all of a sudden? Why was she giving Kotaro the cold shoulder early on and not responding yet here she will stop her own objective to answer him?
+
“Now, this world isn’t safe for you. Follow me, and I will send you back to the Outside World,” said Riku.
“Wait, I have one more.”
She glared at him, waiting for his next question. “Last one…”
+
Action = why is she listening to him? Does she really think telling him more mythical information will get him to stop asking questions? Or make him not want to come back?
+
Kotaro had seen them in the movies—individuals traveling into another world. His curiosity was dying to know this answer. “Has anyone like me ever come to this world before?”
+
Action = strange he asks that since early on, she said careless people have been attacked so why would he ask that?
+
“There were plenty of them, but one of them stood out the most. His name is Joe Jones. Like you, he’s from the Outside World.”
“What’s he do—”
“No more questions! Do you want to go home or not?”
He nodded.
“Then, promise me something…don’t ever come back…”
+
Action = the door is still open, even if he said he would not return meaning people are still going to get killed walking into that alley way.
Final Review
All and all i'm not really sure on the characters Anything except for perhaps Riku not wanting Kotaro to repeat the Cycle but her actions contradict her every claimed intention
I am very lost with Kotaro since your going with a 3rd person perspective
He seems to react very little and because of that I have no idea on his personality since sometime you put how he feels and other times you do not
It's almost like we have to fill in the blanks but that just makes Kotaro a empty vessels and not a character
It would really help if you could keep up with describing how Kotaro reacts to this world so we can feel it along with him, and during his reactions we can get a feel for what kind of person he is because of his reactions
And that goes double for your world, you did well when describing the forest the first time and the same technique needs to be applied anytime we travel to another area or if the settings change so we know how things look as characters actions take place
And finally is story consistency
Remember this story did not begin at page 1, your characters and world existed before this story started
We as readers are just joining in at the most interesting part
Your world and characters need to abide by this and especially if it's a resetting type storyline
I mentioned them before with the Alleyway that something so easily accessed would cause big problems and that there is no way this realm would still be hidden up to this point
A suggestion would be some sort of special condition like a object or a key or bloodline or something that would prevent the masses from going in
Resetting type story's It is a challenge because Characters have an internal consistency that needs to be thought out since they have a unique experience that should show in their dialogue, actions and even their powers
Otherwise their actions will feel contrived for story purposes instead of being alive and in character
As i mentioned above if Riku has done this so many times then why is she not taking any steps in stopping the cycle? It be reasonable for her to be outside that ally[if possible] or right behind that path to smack kotaro around the moment he arrives and tell him to go back home
The point is she can take steps to prevent the outcome
A way to fix this is that perhaps the alleyway is a random portal so the only reason Riku was in the woods was Because she was looking for Kotaro due to her not knowing where he would pop out
This would show preventive measure and also hint to your resetting timeline
Her powers also need to be considered since she can attack from a distance you need to imagine how a girl like her would conduct herself if she grew up with such a power
Would she even bother with physical attacks since she can manipulate the earth? If she can attack from a distance would she risk Kotaro's life with a dramatic entry?
We need to see her try to prevent this outcome. Imagine yourself in her shoes. If you wanted to protected someone and failed 20 times
What did you learn in those failed attempts?
Where would you be with that kind of experience?
What would you do differently?
What would be your plan this time?
If asking your friend not to return to this magic realm failed 20 times, would you really expect him to listen the next time?
And that is all ^^ my final note would be that If this story is to be believed
then the Characters need to be believed as well
And the best way to show that is in their actions and dialogue
Looking forward to your updates ^^
-Action
Topic: Densetsu: A Beautiful Day (Read 6630 times)
