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Author Topic: Densetsu: A Beautiful Day  (Read 1095 times)

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Offline renko9thao

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Densetsu: A Beautiful Day
« on: November 07, 2020, 09:55:12 PM »
This is my first time sharing a story on this website, still kinda new, so let me know if there's anything I need to fix. I'm always trying to improve myself! For now, I'm just going to share the prologue of my story. It's called the Densetsu Series. Hope you enjoy it!

Brief Summary: There resides a world that hides behind ours, separated by a mystical barrier. A utopia where humans and other beings such as fairies, yokai, and even gods live peacefully together. High in the mountain, there lives a shrine maiden who guards the border that conceals its identity from us. This world is known as Densetsu, the world of the Legends, created by the Legends.

Prologue
Just a few more steps through the hallways… the light was near. Magma illuminated the darkness. Only a bridge awaited him in the circular room.

Falling off would incinerate him in seconds. He must endure it—entering the room was enough to make his forehead sweat. But, this wasn’t the time to complain. Time was of the essence.

Sickness filled the air, and the people were caught by it. Coming from a different world, he was unaffected. He must destroy whatever was causing them to grow sick.

The dreaded hot wind from the pool of lava blew through his soul as he progressed. His hands swelled, turning red the further he continued. Oxygen became harder to grasp, his breaths shortened, and his vision nearly blurred.

Almost there…, he thought. A couple of steps into the room nearly exhausted him. How he was able to endure such heat, he didn’t know.

It would seem easy to reach the next room until he saw a young girl fall in front of him. Unlike the guards he disposed of before coming here, this one wasn’t going to be easy.

He had been warned about her after bypassing the Barrier of Makai. They relied their security on the barrier, yet they failed the extra measure of an outsider bypassing it.

It was only a matter of time when she would come—he knew what to do, searching through his pockets until he pulled out a stick.

“So you must be Project Device Type-0013 NEW?”

“Analyzing…Target…Complete…Returning into Memory Mode…” Then, her eyes opened, their gazes interlocking with each other. She met his chestnut eyes while he glared into her azure eyes. “Kotaro! Have you come here to kill me…again?”

He recalled no memories with her. Nevertheless, he knew what to do. “I’m not here to kill you. I’m here to destroy whatever is causing the smoke.”

Suddenly, NEW burst into laughter. “Oh, Kotaro! You’re so funny!”

Then her high-pitched tone shifted. “You know that can’t happen…You and I are meant to be…”

Kotaro remembered the most important warning to this battle. He mustn’t lose. Despite the fiery heat burning him, his determination to fight pushed him to his limits.

“Power Sword!” Kotaro commanded, the stick in his hand morphed into a steel sword.

NEW smirked, “Yay! Let’s have fun and kill each other again!” The high-pitched tone of her sweet and innocent voice became more sinister and evil.

Kotaro charged towards her, readying his attack.

“Project Device Gear Activate,” the girl commanded. A sword-shaped object fell between the two. A single slash from Kotaro knocked him away, causing him to drop his sword.

His hand made contact with the metal floors. Absorbing the heat from below, Kotaro groaned roughly—yet he remained calm and endured the pain. Picking himself and his sword, he watched the giant sword disperse into pieces of armor for NEW.

Her cloak disappeared, replaced by a thick azure suit with gray metal shoulder plates. Two sharp steel appeared in NEW’s hand, and their battle commenced.

Swords clashed into a shower of sparks. NEW’s laughter filled the battle. She attempted to finish the fight by impaling her opponent.

Luckily, Kotaro kicked her away from him, resulting in her to lose balance.

Now’s my chance! He dashed forward with a readied slash.

Then, it occurred, and it would always happen: the Infinite Loop…

No matter how what happened or how many times it changed, the conclusions remained the same. Fresh crimson stained the floors.

The days continued to repeat itself, and eventually, the two would come to meet once more in combat. In their fight, he fell into battle again, and the day would repeat again.

This was not the first of his attempts. The world went round and round, a never-ending world it became. The kaleidoscope never stopped.

“How did you…get me?” Kotaro panted as he convulsed a pool of scarlet. Unknown to him, a cold steel impaled his chest from behind.

“Summoning Technique: Undefined Saber. I thought you knew I was bound to use Skills for our fight,” said NEW. Smoke-like particles of energy billowed from her fingertips. “But I was wrong…”

His eyes widened, “How? You’re breaking the Skill Rules…how did you—”

It didn’t take long for him to realize that she may express signs of sentience, but she was an artificial entity.

Carelessly, she walked towards the impaled Kotaro. She hardly reacted as the sharp steel pierced through her chest. At last, they were together.

“Let’s become one, Kotaro! Let me accept you!” she exclaimed, smiling. “Engaging Project Device Type-0000 THE END…unleashing the ultimate power.”

Wrapping her arms around Kotaro, NEW jumped into the pit as she dragged his lifeless body. They burned into cinders until the pool of lava slowly changed into an emerald hue.

Behind a magical barrier, two individuals watched their battle. “And he failed once more…”

The golden-haired man rested his parasol on his shoulders. Darkness slowly corrupted the azure sky, and an eclipse emerged.

“I’ll see you again, Yuuki Nohara…” said the lady in red robes, standing next to him.

“Kamiyama Shrine Maiden, how many loops have we experienced? Even our efforts to hone his skill wasn’t enough. If not for the Barrier of Makai, we could easily help him. That machine keeps adapting.”

“This is our twentieth loop,” the tears and worries had been dried for the shrine maiden. “Kotaro…we’ll meet again.”

Interesting fact, I worked on this over 100 times--but I still don't think it's good YET. I was kinda hesitant to share my story, but I realize I needed to push my boundaries if I wanted people to read my stories. Plus, if I don't improve, I'll stagnate--and I think that's everyone's biggest fear. Anyway, thank for reading! I love to hear some feedback, and then I'll post the next few chapters every now and then!

Comments:
Feel free to comment here or through this link. I'm still new to this.
http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php/topic,20776.0.html

EDIT: I shortened majority of the paragraphs to make it feel like a Light Novel. Added a few descriptions.
« Last Edit: March 09, 2021, 12:09:17 PM by renko9thao »

Offline Action Animation

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Re: Densetsu: A Beautiful Day
« Reply #1 on: March 07, 2021, 08:48:35 AM »
Looks like your pretty commited to this, if you like I'd be more then happy to make a full review for your story^^
-Action

Offline renko9thao

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Re: Densetsu: A Beautiful Day
« Reply #2 on: March 07, 2021, 09:45:05 AM »
Looks like your pretty commited to this, if you like I'd be more then happy to make a full review for your story^^
-Action

A review will be awesome! Do you want me to continue posting more chapters? And then you review all of it, or are you going to review chapter by chapter?

Offline renko9thao

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Re: Densetsu: A Beautiful Day
« Reply #3 on: March 07, 2021, 09:59:52 AM »
Here's the first chapter

Chapter One: Kotaro Nishiki
The golden sun arose like a baby, painting the darkness into light; the layers of white remained motionless upon the green; and soon the fork in the road would change his life forever.

Comfortably cuddled in his blanket, the instrument of time rang a song of capriccios. Brows adjusted before a pillow was placed over his head. The sound wouldn’t stop.

“Kotaro, breakfast is ready!” echoed a serene voice across the hallway.

He arose from his bed, yawning gloriously, and his arms raised in the air. His eyes were met with a paper portraying a courageous man pumping his chest forward. To his left arrayed a set of three wooden boards with a collection of movies, including books. Kotaro walked up to his working desk, retrieving all of the unfinished homework and shoving them into his folder, and then into his backpack.

Exiting his room, he progressed through the hallway on his left. He continued on his way to the halls, passing the living room to his right, and heading straight to the kitchen.

It seemed to be a normal day. A typical morning routine. Breakfast.

“Thanks for the meal, mom!”

After finishing his breakfast, he proceeded to the bathroom. One final spat into the sink, Kotaro picked up his backpack before heading out to school.

“Have fun in school!” said Amanda.

“I will,”

As the morning chill swept through the bustling city, from its steel skyscrapers to its smallest home, its icy touch kissed Kotaro’s cheek as he maneuvered through the quiet streets.

Vehicles drove by as the cold wind blew about, and the white snow fell upon the earth. One of the neighbor’s homes bore a bell hanging on the porch where it constantly chimed by winter’s breath.

Nothing could go wrong until he encountered a fork in the road. Darkness lurked in the alley. No one touched the path before. Even his friends dared him to enter it.

Kotaro was too scared to move. However, he lost a bet. He had to check what was behind on the other side.

Neither Rocky nor Ging were around, so he could check the dark path quickly. He extended his right leg forward. The young man felt the strong chill breathing down his spine.

Nonetheless, he continued. There was no turning back at this point.

Cold. Dark.

His heart raced at a fast tempo.

Warm. Bright.

“Hm?” A dim light shone ahead. Whether it was an illusion or not, the snow was no more.

He couldn’t stop himself falling into a trance by the colorful avians soaring through the environment of life, vibrant trees with branches having multiple pink spots on them, or even the entire tree itself becoming the color of the sun itself.

“So pretty!” Like a tourist in a different country, Kotaro strolled through the forest and turned his head from left and right.

A slithering snake with wings of a butterfly flew past Kotaro. A shy, crimson skinned, and sharp-tipped squirrel picked up a piece of nut left on the ground before retreating straight into the forest. He continued onward, encountering a large silver cat with curved horns. Its menacing appearance intimidated the young man, but he was lucky the cat had zero interest in him.

Embracing this world’s heat, he carried his winter jacket to the side. He wandered the forest like a child. Then, he remembered. School. He only came here to check, so he turned around.

However, to his surprise, something was out of place. How long he spent walking in this path, he wasn’t sure. One thing he knew was that he continued a single path. Yet his footprints seemed to imply that he had taken several turns.

“Where am I?”

Returning would be impossible. No, this must’ve been a dream. This had to be an illusion.

He could hear the peaceful chirps of birds distort into sounds of metal scraping against another metal. Anxious, Kotaro followed his footprints briskly. He covered his ears and increased his pace at which he was traveling through the forest.

No matter how fast he ran or how hard he tried not to perceive the hellish chirps, his eyes caught the upcoming trees growing larger in size, and the bark slowly shaped into murderous grins. Crowds of ghostly waves of laughter manifested within the forest.

His eyes shut. Kotaro refused to stop moving his legs. Blinded by his fear, he tripped on a stick—or a rock. Heavy breaths were released. Sweat poured down his forehead, and his hands dug into the soft ground.

A rough growl quickly caught his attention, so he raised his head. He was startled by the sudden appearance of a dark figure.

“Meat…meat…meat!” The dark image became clear, and Kotaro saw the sight of a shirtless man, his ribs showing and his wrinkled face almost seemingly about to rot in any second.

The sight to behold was grossing; its grotesque form wanted Kotaro to vomit in disgust.

The man seemed hungry, so the frightened Kotaro tried communicating with him.

“Are you h-hungry?”

“Meat!”

His ravenous growl spooked Kotaro, forcing him to maintain a safe distance from the old man.

“D-Do you want some snacks?” Kotaro offered.

The stranger had different plans. He swiftly charged towards the young man, but Kotaro was quick to push him away.

“Meat!” the old man grinned, revealing his large canines. He wasted no time on his prey.

Attempting to defend himself, Kotaro threw his fist at the delirious human; however, the stranger managed to catch it before throwing him into the ground. Despite his puny appearance, the old man was rather strong.

This was no ordinary human. Crimson eyes stared into Kotaro’s soul. The hungry man howled, and then he started leaping at the young man. Only death awaited poor Kotaro.

Suddenly, moments before Kotaro would meet his end, a young lady in red-and-white robes kicked the aggressor away from the young man.

The old man quickly picked himself up, screeching in a pitch that was no longer human. “Shrine maiden! Me want to eat!”

His heart pounded vigorously. Everything was happening all too quick, Kotaro wasn’t sure what was happening.

The old man attempted to move around the priestess, hoping to find some sort of opening for his prey. She kept her eyes on the aggressor, paying close attention of his body language and any antics he was planning to pull.

It was clear he was limited in what he could do. The only option he had: to attack the girl himself. And so, he did.

The old man leaped forward with his sharp claws and teeth. He was faced with the priestess’ hand. A mere hand caused him to retreat and rethink his actions.

He crouched on all fours. “Me knows what shrine maiden can do. Hand scary! Hand bad!”

“But shrine maiden no good if she don’t see!” His hands dug into the dirt.

Before he gained the chance to act, the shrine maiden manipulated the earth with a simple stomp to the ground. The earth was materialized from underneath, and it struck the old man’s stomach.

He laid lifeless on the dirt. The young woman slowly approached him.

“Who are you?” Kotaro stopped her.

The girl took a quick glimpse—both their chestnut eyes interlocking and trading glazes. He saw two matching crimson tubes on her sidelocks.

Their staring contest didn’t last long as the old man quickly recovered. Learning the might of the shrine maiden, the old man retreated into the forest.

She sighed in irritation. Narrowed brows, she turned her sight away from him.

“If you don’t want to die, follow me…” Then she began walking.

“Hey wait, who are you?” Kotaro followed her. “Are you even listening?”

“Because you distracted me, that man is currently waiting until you’re alone. Then he will attack you.”

“So where are we going?”

“Taking you back where you came from,”

“So, shouldn’t we turn ba—”

“The portal you came from is closed. It’s not going open anytime soon.”

Occasionally, the two exchanged a couple of stares, but most of the time, the two sauntered the unknown trail.

Walking through the mysterious woodland, Kotaro encountered many creatures in different shapes and forms. He even came across this world’s greatest abomination.

A titanic-sized arachnid passed by. Kotaro picked up a stick and went into a defensive stance; however, the girl walked past him and caressed the spider. It hardly reacted.

Then he noticed the stick crawling within his hand. Dropping the stick, he watched it slithered into the nearest bushes.

A sudden giggle caught his attention. “What’s so funny?”

She immediately stopped laughing, turning her sight back to the trail. Kotaro could see a slight smirk on her face. Progressing through the forest, Kotaro discovered more unusual things; flowers had birch stems while some plants radiated in multiple colors; trees had venus flytraps as leaves while other trees bled the color red.

“We’re here…” the girl announced. The wind blew behind them. Two leaves danced along the skies; one of them, black and withered, faded away into the ground, and the other leaf, green and fresh, continued flying into the azure skies.

A path of cobblestone stairs awaited them, ascending to the very top. At the end mark, a tall scarlet gate stood as a rock. A familiar energy slowly returned to him.

That gate…where have I seen it before, he recalled. Memories of two boys emerged from his thoughts as they raced each other to the top.

Smiles. Joy. Laughter. Lost in thought, he found himself at the top, meeting a sacred house, with small stairs ascending to the entrance to the house, and a large rectangular box laying in front of the house. The roof was triangular in shape, having two other roofs intersecting from the sides of the triangular roof. To his left and right, two standing stones evenly spaced glowed azure.

The rain of nostalgia returned him. Have I been here before? Why does it feel so familiar?

“Welcome to the Kamiyama Shrine,” the girl announced. “My name is Riku Kamiyama, the Kamiyama Shrine Maiden.”

“Kamiyama Shrine Maiden?”

“That old man who attacked you? He was a yokai, disguised as a human. It’s my job to protect humans from monsters like him.”

Kotaro widened his eyes, “Wait! That person wasn’t a human?”

She nodded, “Recently, monsters have been emerging and attacking careless humans in the Forest of Nothingness. They’ve become more ruthless and deadly as the days—”

Riku stopped herself. Kotaro was a mere human outside of this world’s comprehension. “Forgive me, but this world doesn’t concern you. I will…send you home right away.”

“But, I have more questions!”

“You don’t belong here, K—,” she turned her face away, “Outsider…”

“What if there’s some way I can help?”

Riku froze. Her pupils dilated. The history of words flickered like a flash of a lightbulb, endlessly repeating itself. No matter how it changed, words of time remained the same; and history would soon repeat.

How many times had she heard him say those words? More than twenty times.

“I will fix it!” Riku murmured.

“What did you say?” Kotaro leaned closer, unsure what she said.

“You must return, Outsider. Densetsu is not a safe place for people like you.”

“Densetsu? What’s that?”

“This is Densetsu, the world of the Legends. Now, this world isn’t safe for you. Follow me, and I will send you back to the Outside World,”

“Wait, I have one more.”

“No!”

“I promise it’ll be the last one!”

She sighed roughly, waiting to hear him.

Kotaro had seen them in the movies—individuals traveling into another world. His curiosity was dying to know this answer. “Has anyone like me ever come to this world before?”

“There were plenty of them, but one of them stood out the most. His name is Joe Jones. Like you, he’s from the Outside World.”

“What’s he do—”

“No more questions! Do you want to go home or not?”

He nodded.

“Then, promise me something…don’t ever come back…”

Interesting fact: This is one of the hardest chapter I've ever written. Not only is the first chapter to try to introduce you to the world of Densetsu, I still think it is nowhere complete. The one thing I am afraid of doing is info-dumping on the very first chapter.

And one thing I look forward to improve while re-reading some of my old works and current works. I hope to improve from my redundancy. Just realized how redundant each words I use, and some of the sentence structure feel redundant.

That was something I did on my first few drafts. This chapter also makes it feel a little slow-paced. Not sure if that's a good thing or not. Nevertheless, any comment from feedbacks to critiquing is very welcomed!

Thank you for reading!
« Last Edit: March 09, 2021, 01:34:59 PM by renko9thao »

Offline Action Animation

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Re: Densetsu: A Beautiful Day
« Reply #4 on: March 07, 2021, 10:05:02 PM »
Looks like your pretty commited to this, if you like I'd be more then happy to make a full review for your story^^
-Action

A review will be awesome! Do you want me to continue posting more chapters? And then you review all of it, or are you going to review chapter by chapter?

I make full detailed reviews of any material provided, would you like me to review it here? Or since you have a drive account you can share it that way so i can make more spot on notes ^^
Look forward to hearing from you
-Action

Offline renko9thao

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Re: Densetsu: A Beautiful Day
« Reply #5 on: March 07, 2021, 11:03:56 PM »

I make full detailed reviews of any material provided, would you like me to review it here? Or since you have a drive account you can share it that way so i can make more spot on notes ^^
Look forward to hearing from you
-Action

Reviewing it through my GoogleDocs will be a bit difficult since I'm currently rewriting my story (ofc, I can share the previous version if you are fine with that too), and I am not finished rewriting it. If you're fine with that, I'll be more than happy to share it to you through PM. Otherwise, reviewing it through here will be fine.

Offline Action Animation

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Re: Densetsu: A Beautiful Day
« Reply #6 on: March 08, 2021, 01:15:19 AM »

I make full detailed reviews of any material provided, would you like me to review it here? Or since you have a drive account you can share it that way so i can make more spot on notes ^^
Look forward to hearing from you
-Action

Reviewing it through my GoogleDocs will be a bit difficult since I'm currently rewriting my story (ofc, I can share the previous version if you are fine with that too), and I am not finished rewriting it. If you're fine with that, I'll be more than happy to share it to you through PM. Otherwise, reviewing it through here will be fine.

Alright then ill go ahead and review it here on this page ^^
-Action

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Re: Densetsu: A Beautiful Day
« Reply #7 on: March 08, 2021, 09:04:45 PM »
Just a few more steps… the light was near. Holy flames illuminated the darkness. Only a bridge awaited him in the circular room.

+
Action = seeing as this is a Novel like style and that we are beginning right into the action. it would be important to get a little more description of where we are and what is around us
It can be brief and layered on as the story goes on but at the moment things seem to appear out of nowhere
You mention metal, then a lava room[are these the holy flames?] and a bridge
Are we indoors? An evil fortress? A volcano? Kinda hard to get a picture of what is around us when you mention metal

All i can picture is mt.doom from LOTR with metal work instead of rock       
+

Falling off would incinerate him in seconds. He must endure it—entering the room was enough to make his forehead sweat. But, this wasn’t the time to complain. Time was of the essence.
+

Action = Curious to why the evil guys have this tightrope esk bridge. If it's a security feature, like it was a wide bridge and became narrow for intruders then why not just cut off access entirely?

Seeing as the girl dropped from above there must be another accessway, that or she flew which brings the bridge style even more into question.

If not then why is this bridge so narrow? Seems unnecessary dangerous as it's already hard to breath from the lava/ holy flames/ and surely super heated metal on the bridge
It's more likely to kill the ones guarding this place then any intruder   
 

+
Sickness filled the air, and the people were caught by it. Coming from a different world, he was unaffected. He must destroy the generator otherwise the people would continue to grow sick.

+

Action = this confused me, it sounds like there are people right here, right now with this setup. Also the generator, what is it? Where is it? Seeing as this is a magic type world is this a magic orb? A scary stick? Or what?  Little descriptions like what it is or looks like, can really help paint your world and color our imagination to what our hero is seeing

+

The dreaded hot wind from the pool of lava blew through his soul as he progressed. His hands swelled, turning red the further he continued. Oxygen became harder to grasp, his breaths shortened, and his vision nearly blurred.
+

Action = it seems like the hero knows what he was in for this mission.

since he was told about the NEW Unit by someone. So why does he not have any preparation for this mission? Nothing to cool him down? Nothing to defend against the heat?

Did the person who told him about New fail to mention the generator was also in a volcano fortress? 

+

Almost there, he thought. A couple of steps into the room nearly exhausted him. How he was able to endure such heat, he didn’t know.

It would seem easy to reach the next room until he saw a young girl fall in front of him. Unlike the guards he disposed of before coming here, this one wasn’t going to be easy.

+

Action = if this device is so important that it's the essential core in means to create a plague, why is there only New to defend it?
And 2nd, it’s mentioned he beat up some guards. Were there only 1-2 guards watching this essential place with New?
If so that's rather odd they leave this place so weakly defended
If not it's even more strange to why there is no backup chasing this kid down
Unless he managed to defeat this entire fortress on his own 

+

He had been warned about her. It was only a matter of time when she would come—he knew what to do, searching through his pockets until he pulled out a stick.

“So you must be Project Device Type-0013 NEW?”

“Analyzing…Target…Complete…Returning into Memory Mode…” Then, her eyes opened, their gazes interlocking with each other. She met his chestnut eyes while he glared into her azure eyes. “Kotaro! Have you come here to kill me…again?”

He recalled no memories with her. Nevertheless, he knew what to do. “I’m not here to kill you. I’m here to destroy whatever is causing the smoke.”

+

Action = wait so there is smoke now? Does this room have a roof? If so How can he see/ breathe? Also it kinda hits the ear wrong when it seemed like he was crossing the bridge to GET to the generator on the other side, but it sounds like that is not the case

So why is this room so extremely dangerous if not to protect the generator? Is it just a lava room with a narrow bridge for the specific reason for New to battle intruders here?

Seems a little excess but if that's the case why make a bridge at all?   

+

Suddenly, NEW burst into laughter. “Oh, Kotaro! You’re so funny!”

Then her high-pitched tone shifted. “You know that can’t happen…You and I are meant to be…”

Kotaro remembered the most important warning to this battle. He mustn’t lose. Despite the fiery heat burning him, his determination to fight pushed him to his limits.

“Power Sword!” Kotaro commanded, the stick in his hand morphed into a steel sword.

NEW smirked, “Yay! Let’s have fun and kill each other again!” The high-pitched tone of her sweet and innocent voice became more sinister and evil.

Kotaro charged towards her, readying his attack.

“Project Device Gear Activate,” the girl commanded. A sword-shaped object fell between the two. A single slash from Kotaro knocked him away, causing him to drop his sword.

+

Action = seeing as he was told about NEW by someone, i’m surprised he did not look around for her flying blades the moment he saw her unless his informant neglected that fact.

Also seeing as she is pretty determined to just kill him effectively and not play/ tease/ mock or even savor her kill i'm surprised she did not impale him with her flying swords when she was hidden away, Then drop down for their death hug   

+

His hand made contact with the metal floors. Absorbing the heat from below, Kotaro groaned roughly—yet he remained calm and endured the pain. Picking himself and his sword, he watched the giant sword disperse into pieces of armor for NEW.

Her cloak disappeared, replaced by a thick azure suit with gray metal shoulder plates. Two sharp steel appeared in NEW’s hand, and their battle commenced.

Swords clashed into a shower of sparks. NEW’s laughter filled the battle. She attempted to finish the fight by impaling her opponent.

Luckily, Kotaro kicked her away from him, resulting in her to lose balance.

Now’s my chance! He dashed forward with a readied slash.

Then, it occurred, and it would always happen: the Infinite Loop…

No matter how what happened or how many times it changed, the conclusions remained the same. Fresh crimson stained the floors.

The days continued to repeat itself, and eventually, the two would come to meet once more in combat. In their fight, he fell into battle again, and the day would repeat again.

This was not the first of his attempts. The world went round and round, a never-ending world it became. The kaleidoscope never stopped.

“How did you…get me?” Kotaro panted as he convulsed a pool of scarlet. Unknown to him, a cold steel impaled his chest from behind.

“Summoning Technique: Undefined Saber. I thought you knew I was bound to use Skills for our fight,” said NEW. Smoke-like particles of energy billowed from her fingertips. “But I was wrong…”

+

Action = was the line meant to be “But you were wrong”? Otherwise she's making a statement she later claims is wrong, does she mean her assumption was wrong on Kotaro? That she knew that HE knew she would use skills? It's kinda hard to understand what is being said here. Perhaps you could clear it up for me

+

His eyes widened, “How? You’re breaking the Skill Rules…how did you—”

It didn’t take long for him to realize. She may express signs of sentience, but she was an artificial entity.

+

Action = realize what? Also it seems he is getting a lot of surprise from someone he supposedly got intel on. Was the intel that bad or just very brief?

+


Carelessly, she walked towards Kotaro, ignoring the pain of the sharp steel piercing through her chest. At last, they were together.

+

Action = when did she get stabbed? Or are you saying she stabbed herself while walking to him? Might need to space that apart so we know what’s happening

+

“Let’s become one, Kotaro! Let me accept you!” she exclaimed, smiling. “Engaging Project Device Type-0000 THE END…unleashing the ultimate power.”

Wrapping her arms around Kotaro, NEW jumped into the pit as she dragged his lifeless body. They burned into cinders until the pool of lava slowly changed into an emerald hue.

Behind a magical barrier, two individuals watched their battle. “And he failed once more…”

+

Action = so they were just floating around, i guess in the smoke?

+

The golden-haired man rested his parasol on his shoulders. Darkness slowly corrupted the azure sky, and an eclipse emerged.

“I’ll see you again, Yuuki Nohara…” said the lady in red robes, standing next to him.

“Kamiyama Shrine Maiden, how many loops have we experienced? Even our efforts to hone his skill wasn’t enough. That machine keeps adapting.”

“This is our twentieth loop,” the tears and worries had been dried for the shrine maiden. “Kotaro…we’ll meet again.”

The golden sun arose like a baby,

+

Action = arose like a baby? Does that have a specific meaning? Not quite sure what this line meant

+

 painting the darkness into light; the snow remained motionless upon the green; and soon the fork in the road would change his life forever.

+

Action = i’ve notice how you keep flip flopping between your descriptions and similes, for example the above line
You describe dark to light then the snow/ green which I assume is grass perhaps?
So i assume it's morning somewhere

But then the next words are a metaphor out of nowhere and it's quite jarring 

+

Comfortably cuddled in his blanket, the instrument of time rang a song of capriccios. Brows adjusted before a pillow was placed over his head. The sound wouldn’t stop.

“Kotaro, breakfast is ready!” echoed a serene voice across the hallway.

He arose from his bed like a hero from a story.

+

Action = did he pose or something? Curious to what you meant by that

+

His eyes were met with a paper portraying a courageous man pumping his chest forward. To his left arrayed a set of three wooden boards with a collection of movies, including books. Kotaro walked up to his working desk, retrieving all of the unfinished papers

+

Action = papers of what? A minor nitpick but is it school papers? Drawings of the courageous man? Little details like this can help build to the who and what of your MC

+

 and shoving them into his folder, and then into his backpack.

Exiting his room, he progressed through the hallway on his left. He continued on his way to the halls, passing the living room to his right, and heading straight to the kitchen.

It seemed to be a normal day. A typical morning routine. Breakfast.

“Thanks for the meal, mom!”

After one final spit into the sink, Kotaro picked up his backpack before heading out to school.

+

Action = might need to add him brushing his teeth or some notion to that, on my first read i thought he spat out the breakfast behind his moms back

+


“Have fun in school!” said Amanda.

+

Action = stange you use her name here when it was mom before it's almost like their is another member inside his household

+

“I will,”

Vehicles drove by as the cold wind blew about, and the white snow fell upon the earth. One of the neighbor’s homes bore a bell hanging on the porch where it constantly chimed by winter’s breath.

Nothing could go wrong until he encountered a fork in the road. Darkness lurked in the alley. No one touched the path before. Even his friends dared him to enter it.

+

Action = this will be touched on later down below on the final review but i’ve noticed a problem comprehending your story, and it's really hard to know what i should be imagining at this time, you describe so little i have no idea what to think

I can’t tell if this is a village or a busy city or a small town or anything, things just seem to appear apparently now we are somewhere with an alley that I guess is between 2 buildings? Huts? I have no idea because you also say it's a fork in the road implying this is out in the open

Setup is very important, a suggestion would be to give a light summary of where we are or what we are looking at

For a quick example
“As the morning chill swept across the bustling city, from it’s steel skyscrapers to the smallest homes.

it’s icy bite kissed Kotaro cheek as he maneuvered his way between the crowds of people occupying every inch of the sidewalk.”   

Something very simple but gives us a idea of where we are, we can imagine such a place with skyscrapers and filled with people to help paint us a picture       

+


Kotaro was too scared to move. However, he lost a bet. He had to check what was behind on the other side.
+

Action = why? Kinda strange to bring this up about a bet because why was he so afraid to go in when he at least had people to back him up? But now when he is alone, he thinks this is now a good idea?

+

Neither Rocky nor Ging were around, so he could check the dark path quickly. He extended his right leg forward. The young man felt the strong chill breathing down his spine.

Nonetheless, he continued. There was no turning back at this point.

Cold. Dark.

His heart raced at a fast tempo.

Warm. Bright.

“Hm?” A dim light shone ahead. Whether it was an illusion or not, the snow was no more. Colorful avians soared through the environment of life. Trees were vibrant with branches having multiple pink spots on them, or even the entire tree itself becoming the color of the sun itself.

More winged creatures flew by, and Kotaro managed to catch a quick glimpse of its appearance before it swiftly flew into the wandering skies.

An obscure, slithering snake with wings of a butterfly flew past Kotaro. A shy, crimson skinned, and sharp-tipped squirrel picked up a piece of nut left on the ground before retreating straight into the forest. He continued onward, encountering a large silver cat with curved horns. Its menacing appearance intimidated the young man, but he was lucky the cat had zero interest in him.

+

Action = this here is a good example of setting up the scene it's much easier to imagine the upcoming events with it. But this next issue will also be touch on later with Kotaro
But the fact is he does not react

He seems very hollow, imagine he was in a winter wonderland of his hometown and moments later he is transported to a warm area with weird creatures

But he has no reaction to it

In fact it's so low on his priorities he remembers he has to go to school 

That be like seeing a dinosaur and then remembering you forgot to turn off the stove

Another thing is why is this world so easily accessed? If this is just a casual alley way in a populated area how is this world not discovered?
We later learn from Riku that people do come in here and get attacked

So why is that alleyway not Anything? Noticed? Studied? People go in and don’t come out. It's not by chance it's just a doorway, and ignoring the fact why the doorway is even there. This is a place that is dangerous

Imagine, there is a building in your hometown that once you go inside no matter what time of day, you suddenly disappear and never seen again

That building would have hundreds of witnesses and people seeing it with their own eyes

There is no way this place would not be discovered in such a populated area     

+

Embracing this world’s heat, he carried his winter jacket to the side. Then, he remembered. School. He only came here to check, so he turned around.

However, to his surprise, something was out of place. How long he spent walking in this path, he wasn’t sure. One thing he knew was that he continued a single path. Yet the path he previously took seemed to imply that he had taken several turns.

+

Action = wait what? If he was only walking one way how would he see his previous path? Do you mean he turned around and saw his footprints?
If he can clearly see his footprints why not just follow them the way back?

+

“Where am I?”

Returning would be impossible. No, this must’ve been a dream. This had to be an illusion.

He could hear the peaceful chirps of birds distort into sounds of metal scraping against another metal. Anxious, Kotaro ran in whatever direction he laid his eyes on. He covered his ears and increased his pace at which he was traveling through the forest.

+

Action = rather a strange jump
He comes in with no reaction to the wonders of this world
Remembers school
Thinks he is lost despite him seeing his footprints
Suddenly panics and freaks out as the world sounds suddenly become scary

Might help if we start with his initial reaction of this world and him trying to make his way back but the illusions do not let him
Then perhaps the cute forest slowly becomes more menacing causing Kotaro to freak out

+

No matter how fast he ran or how hard he tried not to perceive the hellish chirps, his eyes caught the upcoming trees growing larger in size, and the bark slowly shaped into murderous grins. Crowds of ghostly waves of laughter manifested within the forest.

His eyes shut. Kotaro refused to stop moving his legs. Blinded by his fear, he tripped on a stick—or a rock. Heavy breaths were released. Sweat poured down his forehead, and his hands dug into the soft ground.

A rough growl quickly caught his attention, so he raised his head. He was startled by the sudden appearance of a dark figure.

“Meat…meat…meat!” The dark image became clear, and Kotaro saw the sight of a shirtless man, his ribs showing and his wrinkled face almost seemingly about to rot in any second.

+

Action = curious to why a Yokai is in a human form in it’s own realm, while everything else here is more or less in it’s true form
It's really strange since it's not using the form for stealth since it just walked up to Kotaro saying Meat.
And it's also decaying so it's not to deceive him
Just rather odd of why it's not in it’s true form 

+

The sight to behold was grossing; its grotesque form wanted Kotaro to vomit in disgust.

“D-Do you want some snacks?” Kotaro offered.

+

Action = feels rather rushed, since we don't know Kotaro current state such as fear or anger or anything other then sickly

perhaps after the vomit line he tries to communicate with the beast

But it only Replies with Meat

Then Kotaro can become Afraid/nervous or what have you
And offer snacks 

This way we as the reader can join in on the emotions of Kotaro
+

The stranger had different plans. He swiftly charged towards the young man, but Kotaro was quick to push him away.

+

Action = Wait push him away? I thought the old man was super strong

+

“Meat!” the old man grinned, revealing his large canines. He wasted no time on his prey.

Attempting to defend himself, Kotaro threw his fist at the delirious human; however, the stranger managed to catch it before throwing him into the ground. Despite his puny appearance, the old man was rather strong.

This was no ordinary human. Crimson eyes stared into Kotaro’s soul. The hungry man howled, and then he started leaping at the young man. Only death awaited poor Kotaro.

Suddenly, moments before Kotaro would meet his end, a young lady in red-and-white robes kicked the aggressor away from the young man.

The old man quickly picked himself up, screeching in a pitch that was no longer human. “Shrine maiden! Me want to eat!”

His heart pounded vigorously. Everything was happening all too quick, Kotaro wasn’t sure what was happening.

The old man attempted to move around the priestess, hoping to find some sort of opening for his prey. She kept her eyes on the aggressor, paying close attention of his body language and any antics he was planning to pull.

It was clear he was limited in what he could do. The only option he had: to attack the girl himself. And so, he did.

The old man leaped forward with his sharp claws and teeth. He was faced with the priestess’ hand. A mere hand caused him to retreat and rethink his actions.

He crouched on all fours. “Me knows what shrine maiden can do. Hand scary! Hand bad!”

“But shrine maiden no good if she don’t see!” His hands dug into the dirt.

Before he gained the chance to act, the shrine maiden manipulated the earth with a simple stomp to the ground. The earth was materialized from underneath, and it struck the old man’s stomach.

+

Action = feels kinda strange that if this girl can manipulate earth with magic why she did a drop kick instead of using magic, as clearly she can use it from a distance and that it's very quick

Why not use a magic wall to protect kotaro or that attack she did above since she already had the element of surprise, why the drop kick?

Kinda gives the vibe she was watching Kotaro freak out then jumped in at the last second despite later on we know that’s not the case   

+

He laid lifeless on the dirt. The young woman slowly approached him.

“Who are you?” Kotaro stopped her.

The girl took a quick glimpse—both their chestnut eyes interlocking and trading glazes. He saw two matching crimson tubes on her sidelocks.

Their staring contest didn’t last long as the old man quickly recovered. Learning the might of the shrine maiden, the old man retreated into the forest.

She sighed in irritation. Narrowed brows, she turned her sight away from him. Then she began walking.

“Hey wait, who are you?” Kotaro followed her. “Are you even listening?”

“Stop following me…”

+

Action = why would she say that? Later we learn she WANTS to send him home and in fact was leading him to the shine TO send him home. So why tell him to stop following her? On top of that why does she not take him the way they came? It's also curious why Kotaro does not ask this since she’s just taking him deeper into the forest

Also why doesn't Kotaro ask her how to leave? Why is he quietly following her and not asking anything? Didn't he want to leave?

+

Despite her order, he continued following her. Remaining here would be a fool’s death wish. Occasionally, the two exchanged a couple of stares, but most of the time, the two sauntered the unknown trail.

Walking through the mysterious woodland, Kotaro encountered many creatures in different shapes and forms. He even came across this world’s greatest abomination.

+

Action = might help to describe the creatures abit thus far they seem to be just bigger versions of our worlds woodlife creatures, if this is magical it might help to build up on that here while they walk around 

+

A titanic-sized arachnid peacefully passed by. The girl began petting it near its fangs; the spider hardly reacted.

Kotaro, on the other hand, picked up a stick and went into a defensive stance. But he was quick to notice the stick crawling within his hand. Dropping the stick, he watched it slithered into the nearest bushes.

+

Action = this feels reversed again Kotaro had no initial reaction until Riku started to pet the spider
When it already shown to be friendly

A suggestion would be that the spider appears
Kotaro grabs the stick to attack it
Riku walks past him and pets the spider showing that this creature is friendly
Then the stick wiggles away

+

A sudden giggle caught his attention. “What’s so funny?”

She immediately stopped laughing, turning her sight back to the trail. Kotaro could see a slight smirk on her face. Progressing through the forest, Kotaro discovered more unusual things; flowers had birch stems while some plants radiated in multiple colors; trees had venus flytraps as leaves while other trees bled the color red.

“We’re here…” the girl announced. The wind blew behind them. Two leaves danced along the skies; one of them, black and withered, faded away into the ground, and the other leaf, green and fresh, continued flying into the azure skies.

+

Action = curious to what she would have done if he didn't follow her, after all she did not kill the Yokai if he actually listened to her and left

couldn't the beast just attack him again once Riku is far enough away?

+

A path of cobblestone stairs awaited them, ascending to the very top. At the end mark, a tall scarlet gate stood as a rock. A familiar energy slowly returned to him.

My dream, he recalled. Something about this world brought him a sense of familiarity.

+

Action = wait so the prologue was the dream? I thought it was a event before the reset and him waking up was just the start of the chapter, it raises more questions to why he was so unfamiliar with this world and people since Riku was someone he knew

+

Two boys passed through Kotaro as they raced each other to the top. One of them bore the same face as Kotaro, except more younger.

+

Action = might need to preface that with it being a memory or him lost in thought as it stands it's jarring to suddenly have 2 people around in a apparently abandoned place

+

Smiles. Joy. Laughter. But, Kotaro realized there weren’t any kids. He awakened from his illusions, meeting a sacred house, with small stairs ascending to the entrance to the house, and a large rectangular box laying in front of the house. The roof was triangular in shape, having two other roofs intersecting from the sides of the triangular roof. To his left and right, two standing stones evenly spaced glowed azure.

The rain of nostalgia returned him. Have I been here before? Why does it feel so familiar?

“Welcome to the Kamiyama Shrine,” the girl announced. “My name is Riku Kamiyama, the Kamiyama Shrine Maiden.”

“Kamiyama Shrine Maiden?”

“That old man who attacked you? He was a yokai, disguised as a human. It’s my job to protect humans from monsters like him.”

+

Action = then why is she not guarding the gateway? If she knows humans come in and get killed why does she not stay on the other side of the alleyway and turn them back?

Also if that ally is a gate why did she take him deeper in and not the way Kotaro came?

Is she the bridge between worlds?

if she is the only gateway to the outside world, then why did she not encourage Kotaro to follow her seeing as he could not get home on his own?

If this is a time loop that has happened 20 times she should know by now when and where Kotaro will enter since events keep repeating

+

Kotaro widened his eyes, “Wait! That person wasn’t a human?”

She nodded, “Recently, monsters have been emerging and attacking careless humans in the Forest of Nothingness. They’ve become more ruthless and deadly as the days—”

Riku stopped herself. Kotaro was a mere human outside of this world’s comprehension. “Forgive me, but this world doesn’t concern you. I will…send you home right away.”

“But, I have more questions!”

+

Action = why only now though? And not the entire way here? In fact, why did Riku suddenly start speaking exposition unprompted to Kotaro instead of just sending him home?

She does not want to involve him yet it seems she is doing everything in her power to do just that very thing instead of just sending him home

+

“You don’t belong here, K—,” she turned her face away, “Outsider…”

“What if there’s some way I can help?”

+

Action = i really can't get a read on this guy, he is so weak against the yokai and so confused by this world he is held by it's mercy as we saw him fleeing from spooky trees and birds

On top of that he was just introduced to this crazy place perhaps an hour ago? But he seems so casual about it like he went out of town but now he wants to help it without knowing a single thing about anyone or anything?

+

Riku froze. Her pupils dilated. The history of words flickered like a flash of a lightbulb, endlessly repeating itself. No matter how it changed, words of time remained the same; and history would soon repeat.

+

Action = This is another issue with reset storys , you have made it clear on Kotaro is unaware of the reset
But everyone else is Aware, yet the story and characters do not reflect this information, i will get into more detail at the end

+

How many times had she heard him say those words? More than twenty times.

“I will fix it!” Riku murmured.

“What did you say?” Kotaro leaned closer, unsure what she said.

“You must return, Outsider. Densetsu is not a safe place for people like you.”

“Densetsu? What’s that?”

“This is Densetsu, the world of the Legends. Ten powerful individuals were given the power to keep this world intact and in balance; they are known as the Legends.”

+

Action = does she want to send him home or not? She seems adamant but stops everything to answer him when she knows it puts him in danger of repeating the past

+

“So like…gods?”

Riku shook her head. “Close, but the Legends have been gifted by the power of a greater god who surpassed all other gods. This great god is known as the All-Creator, the God of Creation. Their powers far exceed any god you can imagine.”

+

Action = this is all kind of heavy and very thick in exposition, it's also a little confusing since we know so little about this world we don’t understand it's power structure in it's gods

Are they like the greek gods who have a dominion that is an aspect of this world?
Are they just really strong beings with magic?

We are just told they are gods and a greater god better than all the gods that we didn't know even existed till earlier that very line

If it's to raise the stakes or open up the world
we first need to know what this world even is to even attempt to grasp at the scale of what RIku is saying

Also why is Riku so chatty all of a sudden? Why was she giving Kotaro the cold shoulder early on and not responding yet here she will stop her own objective to answer him?

+

“Now, this world isn’t safe for you. Follow me, and I will send you back to the Outside World,” said Riku.

“Wait, I have one more.”

She glared at him, waiting for his next question. “Last one…”

+

Action = why is she listening to him? Does she really think telling him more mythical information will get him to stop asking questions? Or make him not want to come back?

+

Kotaro had seen them in the movies—individuals traveling into another world. His curiosity was dying to know this answer. “Has anyone like me ever come to this world before?”

+

Action = strange he asks that since early on, she said careless people have been attacked so why would he ask that?

+

“There were plenty of them, but one of them stood out the most. His name is Joe Jones. Like you, he’s from the Outside World.”

“What’s he do—”

“No more questions! Do you want to go home or not?”

He nodded.

“Then, promise me something…don’t ever come back…”
+
Action = the door is still open, even if he said he would not return meaning people are still going to get killed walking into that alley way. 


Final Review
All and all i'm not really sure on the characters Anything except for perhaps Riku not wanting Kotaro to repeat the Cycle but her actions contradict her every claimed intention

I am very lost with Kotaro since your going with a 3rd person perspective
He seems to react very little and because of that I have no idea on his personality since sometime you put how he feels and other times you do not

It's almost like we have to fill in the blanks but that just makes Kotaro a empty vessels and not a character

It would really help if you could keep up with describing how Kotaro reacts to this world so we can feel it along with him, and during his reactions we can get a feel for what kind of person he is because of his reactions 
 
And that goes double for your world, you did well when describing the forest the first time and the same technique needs to be applied anytime we travel to another area or if the settings change so we know how things look as characters actions take place

And finally is story consistency

Remember this story did not begin at page 1, your characters and world existed before this story started

We as readers are just joining in at the most interesting part

Your world and characters need to abide by this and especially if it's a resetting type storyline

I mentioned them before with the Alleyway that something so easily accessed would cause big problems and that there is no way this realm would still be hidden up to this point

A suggestion would be some sort of special condition like a object or a key or bloodline or something that would prevent the masses from going in

Resetting type story's It is a challenge because Characters have an internal consistency that needs to be thought out since they have a unique experience that should show in their dialogue, actions and even their powers

Otherwise their actions will feel contrived for story purposes instead of being alive and in character 

As i mentioned above if Riku has done this so many times then why is she not taking any steps in stopping the cycle? It be reasonable for her to be outside that ally[if possible] or right behind that path to smack kotaro around the moment he arrives and tell him to go back home

The point is she can take steps to prevent the outcome

A way to fix this is that perhaps the alleyway is a random portal so the only reason Riku was in the woods was Because she was looking for Kotaro due to her not knowing where he would pop out

This would show preventive measure and also hint to your resetting timeline

Her powers also need to be considered since she can attack from a distance you need to imagine how a girl like her would conduct herself if she grew up with such a power

Would she even bother with physical attacks since she can manipulate the earth? If she can attack from a distance would she risk Kotaro's life with a dramatic entry?

We need to see her try to prevent this outcome. Imagine yourself in her shoes. If you wanted to protected someone and failed 20 times
What did you learn in those failed attempts?
Where would you be with that kind of experience?
What would you do differently?
What would be your plan this time?
If asking your friend not to return to this magic realm failed 20 times, would you really expect him to listen the next time?

And that is all ^^ my final note would be that If this story is to be believed

then the Characters need to be believed as well

And the best way to show that is in their actions and dialogue

Looking forward to your updates ^^
-Action

Offline renko9thao

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Re: Densetsu: A Beautiful Day
« Reply #8 on: March 09, 2021, 11:17:13 AM »
Here's the second chapter

Chapter Two: The Shrine Maiden
An uncomfortable silence filled the shrine. She remembered this feeling all too well. Wind’s soft breath blew the leaves away, scraping against the stone entrance.

The same questions as before. His curiosity would be his demise. And she feared the seeds of fate had already been planted.

She had seen his efforts thwarted from that machine. While he lost all of his memories from the previous loops, Riku and everyone in this world kept theirs. It was vexing.

This time, she was going to fix it.

“I-I won’t!” He answered.

Good, this was progress.

“Follow me,”

The shrine maiden led the young man to the shrine.

“What’s this?” His curiosity led to the box.

“It’s a donation box,” Riku picked up a piece of coin. Shaped circularly, golden with a square-shaped symbol cut through the middle, it was gleaming by sunlight.

She extended her arm over to him, holding the tiny currency between her two fingers.

“For me?”

She nodded. “Put it inside the box.”

Residents of Densetsu who visited her shrine often donate money as a sign of gratitude. Their faith in her was strong. She could not fail them this time.

“I’m going to keep it,” said Kotaro.

She expected that. Nonetheless, she allowed him to have it. At least it would be the last time he would remain here in this world.

They continued until they entered one of the rooms behind the shrine. Tainted in darkness, a hollow rift awaited them ahead. Unlike the other rooms, this one contained a single monochrome.

“Walk into the portal, and you will be home safely.”

It had been so long since Riku visited this room. This was the ticket for outsiders to return to their homes. Though, it was uncommon for them to stay in Densetsu.

She sensed the tremble in Kotaro’s feet. An unknown realm was coming his way. Riku assured him by stepping forward, unharmed. He reluctantly followed.

Kotaro continued onward to the distorted gate. Turning around, his view of Riku faded into small particles. Soon, the world turned white.

Tiny flakes fell upon his scarlet cheeks. Their ice cold touch awakened him.

“Am I home?”

He found himself in the same alley, lying on a pile of snow. Whether it was an illusion or reality, that dream felt real. The cold was slowly piercing its way to Kotaro’s clothes, so he picked himself from the ground.

Now that he returned, Kotaro quickly remembered about school. Hopefully, I’m not late. He sprinted his way to school. Drivers honked their cars furiously as Kotaro scurried to school.

“Hey, are you dumb?! Don’t you see it’s a red light?”

“Sorry, I’m in a rush” was what Kotaro wished he could say. His brisk pace invited a bit of snow between his shoes. He endured it until he saw the silhouette of a tall building.

Two rusty gates awaited him. Students were still coming inside. Running at a pace he never reached before, Kotaro managed to make it in time.

“Phew, I guess I’m not late after all,” he met many of his peers. Amongst them, a particular friend patted his shoulders.

“Man, Koty, you’re never here this late,” he was a student of dark skin. Rocky, a jolly and young teen as Kotaro who constantly teased him when he found the chances.

“Oh, Rocky, I just happen to have a lot of problems around my house, you know?”

He continuously patted Kotaro on the shoulders. “You’re a terrible liar, you know that?”

Rocky grinned mischievously.

“I really do have a lot of problems at home!” Kotaro needed to end this before it became worse.

“Sure, Koty, sure,” said Rocky. “You really have problems at home. I see how it is. Didn’t think I would’ve noticed you and Mimi talking to each other, did you?”

His eyes strayed away. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“You’re too easy to read, you know? I’m just teasing you,” he patted Kotaro’s head, his grin becoming wider.

The school bell rang loudly, and the crowd of students went to their classes.

“Well, I’ll see you in Mr. Praum’s class.”

Kotaro sighed, “Why do I have a bad feeling about this?”

Thank you, Action, for the reviews on my prologue and first chapter! There were things I completely brushed off which I'm glad you called out for.

To answer briefly on some questions, I wanted Kotaro to be this nerd who had collections of superheroes and mythical monsters--or at least an introvert. But then, re-reading it again, it feels like he's almost the opposite as you reviewed.

I get a little hesitant in trying to info-dump--but thinking through, I need to gradually add more info, or rather, useful info of the main plot that's currently happening in the character's boundaries.

Offline Action Animation

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Re: Densetsu: A Beautiful Day
« Reply #9 on: March 09, 2021, 05:07:46 PM »
An uncomfortable silence filled the shrine. She remembered this feeling all too well. Wind’s soft breath blew the leaves away, scraping against the stone entrance.

The same questions as before. His curiosity would be his demise. And she feared the seeds of fate had already been planted.

She had seen his efforts thwarted from that machine. While he lost all of his memories from the previous loops, Riku and everyone in this world kept theirs. It was vexing.

+

Action = so the yokai old guy remembered him? What about the guards in the previous chapter at the volcano/fortress/metal bridge/lava room? If they or the people remember then why were they not prepared?

+


This time, she was going to fix it.

“I-I won’t!” He answered.

Good, this was progress.

+

Action = did he say “he will come back” the past 20 times? Or did she just never ask?

+

“Follow me,”

The shrine maiden led the young man to the shrine.

“What’s this?” His curiosity led to the box.

“It’s a donation box,” Riku picked up a piece of coin. Shaped circularly, golden with a square-shaped symbol cut through the middle, it was gleaming by sunlight.

She extended her arm over to him, holding the tiny currency between her two fingers.

“For me?”

She nodded. “Put it inside the box.”

Residents of Densetsu who visited her shrine often donate money as a sign of gratitude. Their faith in her was strong. She could not fail them this time.

“I’m going to keep it,” said Kotaro.

She expected that. Nonetheless, she allowed him to have it. At least it would be the last time he would remain here in this world.

They continued until they entered one of the rooms behind the shrine. Tainted in darkness, a hollow rift awaited them ahead. Unlike the other rooms, this one contained a single monochrome.

“Walk into the portal, and you will be home safely.”

It had been so long since Riku visited this room. This was the ticket for outsiders to return to their homes. Though, it was uncommon for them to stay in Densetsu.

She sensed the tremble in Kotaro’s feet. An unknown realm was coming his way. Riku assured him by stepping forward, unharmed. He reluctantly followed.

Kotaro continued onward to the distorted gate. Turning around, his view of Riku faded into small particles. Soon, the world turned white.

Tiny flakes fell upon his scarlet cheeks. Their ice cold touch awakened him.

“Am I home?”

He found himself in the same alley, lying on a pile of snow. Whether it was an illusion or reality, that dream felt real. The cold was slowly piercing its way to Kotaro’s clothes, so he picked himself from the ground.

Now that he returned, Kotaro quickly remembered about school. Hopefully, I’m not late. He sprinted his way to school. Drivers honked their cars furiously as Kotaro scurried to school.

+

Action = this kid really can bounce back it seems, i'm surprised he can take all this in such an easy stride, but he has the coin wouldn't he know for a fact it was not a dream?

+

“Hey, are you dumb?! Don’t you see it’s a red light?”

“Sorry, I’m in a rush” was what Kotaro wished he could say. His brisk pace invited a bit of snow between his shoes. He endured it until he saw the silhouette of a tall building.

Two rusty gates awaited him. Students were still coming inside. Running at a pace he never reached before, Kotaro managed to make it in time.

“Phew, I guess I’m not late after all,” he met many of his peers. Amongst them, a particular friend patted his shoulders.

“Man, Koty, you’re never here this late,” he was a student of dark skin. Rocky, a jolly and young teen as Kotaro who constantly teased him when he found the chances.

“Oh, Rocky, I just happen to have a lot of problems around my house, you know?”

He continuously patted Kotaro on the shoulders. “You’re a terrible liar, you know that?”

Rocky grinned mischievously.

“I really do have a lot of problems at home!” Kotaro needed to end this before it became worse.

“Sure, Koty, sure,” said Rocky. “You really have problems at home. I see how it is. Didn’t think I would’ve noticed you and Mimi talking to each other, did you?”

His eyes strayed away. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“You’re too easy to read, you know? I’m just teasing you,” he patted Kotaro’s head, his grin becoming wider.

The school bell rang loudly, and the crowd of students went to their classes.

“Well, I’ll see you in Mr. Praum’s class.”

Kotaro sighed, “Why do I have a bad feeling about this?”
+


Thank you, Action, for the reviews on my prologue and first chapter! There were things I completely brushed off which I'm glad you called out for.

To answer briefly on some questions, I wanted Kotaro to be this nerd who had collections of superheroes and mythical monsters--or at least an introvert. But then, re-reading it again, it feels like he's almost the opposite as you reviewed.


+

Action = a pleasure ^^ glad to be of any help.

If he was to be a nerd some evidence could help, perhaps you could show him being more interested in the fantasy world
He mentions how traveling to other worlds is something he has seen in fiction so wouldn't that same enthusiasm start right when he entered this world?

And as for introvert i would never have guessed, he was very open to talk to Riku and even here he is open to talk to rocky with a relationship with a Mimi apparently so it seems he is very sociable

+


I get a little hesitant in trying to info-dump--but thinking through, I need to gradually add more info, or rather, useful info of the main plot that's currently happening in the character's boundaries.


+

Action = could not have said it better myself, excellently put.
Indeed if the situation cannot organically bring up the subject don’t try to force it in

If i can make a suggestion for this story it would be to focus on the wants and needs of your characters and have it show in the story through actions and dialogue

Although with that said it would really clash with what you have already done and most likely cause you to rewrite the story ( a writer's favorite pastime eh? )

Because the edits you make in chapter 1 will have to be carried into the next chapter and the next and so on

I understand it's a frustrating process and it's annoying to tackle alone, but if you have a discord i be more than happy to brainstorm with you^^
-Action




Offline renko9thao

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Re: Densetsu: A Beautiful Day
« Reply #10 on: March 11, 2021, 08:46:24 AM »
Third chapter is here!

Chapter Three: Dreams Disappearing
Entering his History class, he was met by a grouchy old man—tall as the Eiffel Tower and thin as a stick, his appearance was not intimidating, but his voice was the thunder. He spouted powerful words that affected the minds of young teens.

Kotaro always avoided meeting eye contact with Chad Willcox, but that seemed to only anger the beast. The teacher announced him in front of the class before proceeding to yell at him.

Some said Chad Wilcox earned his angry attitude from his dad, Dan Wilcox; he always argued with his dad, and nobody knew why. His mere presence brought silence. No one dared to slack off even the slightest in his class.

Kotaro was a disciplined student who kept his voice to himself, remaining in solitude with extreme silence until someone spoke to him, and he responded accordingly. Generally, he spoke carefully not to hurt anyone, and he often stuttered when talking. Sometimes, he developed dark thoughts in this isolated world of his.

This world he created set him free from all the troubles around him, and he had all the freedom to speak whatever was on his mind. Overtime, he embraced this solitude. But sometimes, the isolation was unbearable.

Mimi Yukihara freed him from this curse. Her angelic presence encouraged him to be more active than usual. He couldn’t recall, but he believed it was love at first sight. Mr. Wilcox’s voice muffled as he locked his eyes on Mimi. It was the only class he had with her, unfortunately.

Suddenly, a pencil smacked his forehead.

“Hey, wakie-wakie dreamer-boy!” The class laid their eyes on Kotaro. Even Mimi.

He perceived the silent whispers amongst his peers. They became so noticeable that the teacher’s voice was nothing but a sound in the background.

“Mr. Wilcox, can you please continue the session rather than focus your time on Kotaro?”

Her sweet, soothing voice freed him yet again. He couldn’t stop putting his eyes away until he glanced into her light-brown eyes. Kotaro turned them away like nothing happened.

If Rocky were here, they would pick on him with zero restrictions. Sometimes, he felt honored to be isolated from his friends.

The teacher eventually gave up, but there was repercussion if he caught his student slacking again. The classroom had resumed in silence.

For some reason, Kotaro felt his reflexes from his spine kicking in. An ominous wind so odd, he tucked both his arms close to his torso.

“She’s here…”

“Here?” The students including the teacher turned their attention to Kotaro.

“You have something to say, dreamer-boy?”

He shook his head. “Sorry, I thought I heard something.”

“Well, the only thing you should be hearing is me!” yelled Mr. Wilcox, continuing his lecture.

Was I just hearing things? It wasn’t a voice he recognized.

“Dark One…” the ghostly voice returned. Nor was he hearing things.

The pencil on his left hand trembled rapidly, creating small scribbles on paper. His eyes moved left and right. Zero reaction. Why am I the only one hearing it then?

“Here she comes,” Kotaro beamed at the door with intense concentration. The door screeched high-pitched.

Clinging with darkness, it continuously damaged his fragile ears—not even Mr. Wilcox’s thundering voice was enough to overpower this high-pitch noise. Then, a shadowy and feminine figure emerged from the door.

“Good morning, Mr. Wilcox, I hope I’m not interrupting you.” Recognizing the health teacher, he sighed with relief. Perhaps the voice was foretelling the health teacher coming into the class. If so, it predicted correctly.

“She’s here! Dark One! The Dark One is here!” The voices were no longer whispers, becoming fueled by the flames of rage and malice. The horror returned to him like a splash of cold water.

An invisible force pushed into his waist, his body tensed, shoulders lifted up, and his legs tucked close together.

“I hope it’s nothing serious, Mrs. Jones,” replied Mr. Wilcox.

“Oh no, but you will be having a new student in your class,” Mrs. Jones announced. She turned to the door, her hands waving back and forth in a friendly gesture. “Come here, don’t be shy!”

She entered the classroom. Her face was round, tiny nose, and long, golden strands of hair extended to her shoulders. One particular detail he couldn’t help himself from staring were those bright, azure eyes. Shining like the sun and pure of blue, it was difficult to stop staring.

“This is your first hour. Go on and introduce yourself!”

“Um, my name is Noel Natsuki. As you can see—or I mean, hear, I learned my English from my dad, and my mom is Japanese. I hope to be friends with every one of you!”

Quiet messages passed down amongst the boys and girls. Kotaro was too focused on the whispering voice to listen to his nearby peers. This new student’s very presence bothered him, mostly because of the warnings the voice had said.

The two met eyes. Instantly, her face became threatening with furrowed brows. He quickly looked away, hoping not to cause any trouble with the new student. She must be at me, but why?

It was usually a wonderful experience to have a new student in the class, but that feeling wasn’t there for Kotaro.

“May I please be seated next to him?” requested Noel, bold yet innocent.

A brief silence filled the classroom, and Kotaro became the spotlight among his peers. The grumpy, old teacher gave him an ugly look before accepting the new student’s request.

She slowly walked to the empty desk. He gulped when she took a seat next to him.

“He sent me here to retrieve from this world,” she whispered. Blending like any other student, her knowledge of the other world intimidated Kotaro.

White limestone met the green board, crashing into each other and creating art, and a badly detailed map was shaped. Loud growling, always filled with the tension of anger, caused the class to remain silent, but the tiny conversations weren’t over.

“You will remain in Densetsu for the rest of your life to keep our world a secret.”

“Kotaro! What year did World War I start?”

He was startled by the teacher. Mr. Wilcox often called students to review what he was currently teaching. Some students found it useful; other students found it terrifying.

“1939?” he answered.

“That’s World War II,” then Mr. Wilcox murmured to himself before asking the same question to the next student. “Noel, what year did World War I start?”

The new student stood up from her seat. Everyone turned their attention to her, confused. Silence filled the room. The teacher waited as he constantly stepped on the floor.

Kotaro waited to hear her. Coming from another world, she couldn’t know the answer.

“World War I, also known as the Great War, started in 1914. The cause? Assassination on the Archduke. This war lasted for four years on the eleventh of November.”

Her peers were awed in silence. Mr. Wilcox smiled which was rare. “Correct.”

Unlike his classmates, Kotaro reacted differently. Noel glanced at him. She said a few words that struck deep in him. Her knowledge of this world transcended beyond her own. It terrified Kotaro the fact she had knowledge about his world.

Class ended peacefully, yet Kotaro was left dumbfounded. He hardly remembered what Mr. Wilcox was teaching other than Noel’s impressive knowledge. Even walking at this moment, he could feel her presence.

His head raised before he turned around. The new student casually walked behind him without saying a word which startled him.

“Why didn’t you say anything? You scared me!”

“You’re not leaving my sight. After all, it’s my mission to send you back to Densetsu.”

He wasn’t planning to return. Quickly turning around, he readied himself to run.

“Don’t even think about it. You can’t run away from me. No matter how hard you try.”

“What are you? An alien?”

Noel scoffed, “you will never understand.”

His eyes dropped to the floor.

“But you know, if you come with me, everything will become clear.”

He raised his head; her black stockings reaching up to her thighs, her azure shorts, her white shirt coated with an azure jacket; her small neck, then paused when seeing her only pink lips.

“My master can teach you all the things you need to defend yourself!” and he met her azure eyes again. They were the skies. A closer look, both her eyes were different from each other. Her left eye was a darker blue. “Oh, I almost forgot. I’m still new around here, so do you know where Mr. Praum’s class is?”

Coincidence or fate, the two souls seemed destined to be together. Before his mouth moved, a slight image of a younger and rounder girl emerged into his sight. The background briefly changed into an unknown meadow before returning back to the hallways. He paused.

“What’s the matter? You look like you’ve seen a ghost or something.”

He shook his head. “I was just daydreaming…again…” His eyes swayed from the new student. “I saw a younger version of you, but she was more f—big…”

Her eyebrows furrowed, face flushing in scarlet. “You know what? Forget about asking you for directions! I’ll ask somebody else!”

“H-Hey, w-wait! I didn’t mean it like that. I happen to have amnesia!”

“And why should I believe that?”

His memories darkened and emptied, consisting only of the jubilation of times with the Wilsons. From then on, new memories were forged—some of them happy times and sad ones. Overall, he failed to remember the other life.

But that other world—Densetsu—fragments of his childhood lied within it.

“My parents found me in a seashore. I don’t remember how I got there, but they saved me. I was scared, but my mom was here for me. It was then they decided they wanted to be my parents.”

“That’s sad,” she replied, “but I like it!”

“You do?”

She nodded. “I finally decided!”

“On what?”

The new student burst into his personal space, but he retreated at a fixed distance. “I’ll help learn about your memories!”

“B-but!”

“There was another reason why I came here,” she added.

“Another reason?”

“There’s this child I knew!”

“A child?”

“Yes, we made a promise to each other if we ever meet again,” she pressed a single hand into her other hand. Her eyes closed. “I know he’s in this world. That’s why I’m going to find him and fulfill our promise that we made as children.”

He remained speechless for a while. Nobody knew of his story, not even his friends to which he feared they’d taunt him for it. She was the first, to help and to listen.

“Then I decided, too!” he blurted.

“Decided on what?”

The tides had turned. “Since you’re helping me, I’ll help you find this boy!”

Noel was awed to see reminisce of her childhood friend within this teenager whom she met today. Scarlet flushed her cheeks, and she avoided eye contact. “W-Whatever, do what you want! Take me to Mr. Praum’s class now!”

“Why are you getting mad so quickly? I really want to help!”

Words couldn’t be expressed around him. She searched through her brain for a reply, but there was nothing. “Just take me to class!”

Kotaro complied with her decision. After all, he was heading there too. Somewhere out there, his memories laid dormant in that world. Somewhere in here, a certain boy remained in this world. A new journey carved a new path for the two, combining into a single path. Several students passed by, and the two were quickly mistaken to be a couple.

This chapter I sorta love and hate at the same time. Re-reading it again, and reading through your review, Action, this chapter in particular MIGHT contradict Kotaro's characterization (and possibly, become very difficult to even gain a connection to him, you'll know what I mean when you read it). So I just want to tell you ahead of time, that THIS is probably how I wanted the introverted Kotaro to be like. Obviously, it doesn't fit the Kotaro's in the past two chapters (okay, maybe chapter 2, but definitely not chapter 1).

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Re: Densetsu: A Beautiful Day
« Reply #11 on: March 13, 2021, 01:56:05 AM »
The fourth chapter is here!

Chapter Four: Going Back
He wasn’t aware how much time was consumed, yet he managed to arrive in time. The adventure was messy. Of all the girls whom he met, this one was probably the most stubborn.

She took incorrect paths, refusing to listen, and she wandered elsewhere if he didn’t keep an eye on her. It certainly felt like a marathon finding the class. Even when she sought him for the assistance of her next class.

The school rang proudly and loudly. Four single desks arranged into one, two desks facing each other while the other two desks sat next to each other set in the same position.

“Well, we’re in class! That’s all that matters,” he walked to his assigned desk, and the new student followed to the desk next to him. However, the two were stopped by the teacher.

“Oh, I see you found yourself a girlfriend, Koty!”

Presented in front of Kotaro was a tall man, formally dressed in his favorite pink necktie, along with his square-shaped glasses as usual. Although he dressed nicely, there was room for improvement on his hair department—brown and messy, he cared less on combing it.

“N-no, this is not what it looks like! I swear!” Kotaro protested.

Mr. Praum chuckled, “I’m only kidding! Here I thought you decided to give up on M—”

“Shh! The whole class is here. They can hear you.”

“Oh sorry, forgot about that!” and he laughed some more. “But anyway, I believe you’re the new student. Noel Nat-su-ki (he thinks the “T” in her last name is silent)?”

“Na-tsuki,” she corrected.

“What school did you go to before coming here?”

She pondered on the thought. Kotaro did too. That world looked trapped in the past if he remembered correctly. But, he knew there was more to Densetsu than an ordinary shrine. He also wondered where Noel lived in Densetsu. His many wonders had him questioning what that other world offered.

“I don’t remember the name, but it was a school which consisted of ranks—starting from bronze, silver, gold, platinum, and diamond. It was a fun school, and I would love to come back sometime.”

Kotaro stared at her with widened eyes. That’s not a school at all. It’s more like a military program. The teacher had a similar reaction too.

There was a brief silence between the two until Mr. Praum broke it. He announced the entire class about Noel. He wanted her to feel welcome. Complete isolation was not an option for the teacher.

She proudly introduced herself to the class as they remained respectful. Unlike before, she sounded more brave and brief on her introductions.

“May I ask to be seated next to him?” The other classmates beamed their eyes on Kotaro.

“Koty, I think she likes you,” said Rocky, who returned from the bathroom.

Gossips emerged amongst his peers. This humiliation presented to him on such an unexpected day. He felt like running, escaping from the voices that talked about him.

Rocky rose from his desk as he reached his hand over to Noel. “Hi there, I’m Koty’s friend, Rocky! I see that you and Koty are getting along really well!”

Noel shook his hand, and she smiled. “It’s a pleasure meeting you. It was just a coincidence for the both of us to have the same class, so knowing that we have the same class makes me feel a little more confident in myself!”

Awed by her story, Rocky gave his friend a proud tap on his shoulders. He faked manly tears. “I’m proud of you. You’re such a gentleman!”

This was probably one of Rocky’s tricks again. One time, Rocky told the girls about his secret—that he always cried himself to bed whenever he had a bad day.

Kotaro fell right into his trap, asking the girls about it, but it turned out none of them heard of it. For a whole week, everyone called him “crybaby”.

Ging, another friend of Kotaro, sat next to Rocky. Among the three, Ging spoke little words. When he did, it only foretold upcoming danger. Most of them were fairly accurate. This was the only class where the three were together.

The new student shot a deadly stare at Ging, quietly groaning to herself, but Ging hardly showed a reaction to her.

“A-Are you two alright?” Kotaro asked, worried. None of them reacted. “Rocky, have any idea what’s going on?”

He shrugged, unsure of it either. There seemed to be some sort of link between the two. Rocky gasped after putting some thought into it, leading down to one conclusion. “Noel must be your ex-girlfriend! Isn’t she, Ging?”

“What?” Kotaro gasped. 

Both Ging and Noel glared at the fools. Their intimidation scared off Kotaro, but Rocky brushed it off. Then, they returned to their staring contest again. It looked to be true, but that raised some questions.

Mostly Ging, whom he befriended around the same time he met Rocky. Ging’s origins were mysterious. Neither Rocky or Kotaro could read him, and he was quiet about his stories. His background. None. His favorite food, color, and hobbies? There was nothing.

Time flew quickly during school. It was ironic. Noel had the same hours as him—other students managed to mistake them as couples.

Kotaro had never been so overwhelmed with loads of questions thrown at him about Noel. Her presence enticed the other boys’ interest.

Snowflakes showered the sky, the wind blew by, and Kotaro imprinted his footsteps on the snowy path. There, Noel stood all alone, lying her back against the orange brick walls. Alone on school grounds, Kotaro didn’t mind killing some time before walking home as usual.

“Do you like this school?” Noel asked, softly. He stopped. “Well, I like it! The people here are very nice. If only I was born here, I wonder how my story would be?” and she smiled.

Her soliloquy under the cold weather was enough for him to understand her. The amount of suffering she must’ve endured during her childhood years. Thoughts of coming back into the other world were coming to him.

However, he couldn’t afford to lose his own life. There was danger in that world, but something inside him made him curious about the beauty within that mysterious land. Perhaps it was an excuse to learn of his past.

With hundreds of thoughts running through his head, he left Noel’s question hanging. He left her alone, forgetting her existence as he retraced his path home.

Turning around, he took one more look at the new student. She remained in the same spot. The further he walked, her figure shrank before disappearing.

His fist clenched tightly, regretting not answering her. It was probably too late. He assumed her parents took her home to Densetsu.

“Yeah, she is cute…” Her azure eyes were the most enticing that he couldn’t stop staring at them. Maybe that’s why she always kept her eyes away from him, heavily disturbed.

“Who’s cute? Have you found another girl better looking than Mimi?” replied a voice.

He turned around, not expecting someone to overhear him. It was Rocky. He inspected Kotaro, giving the young a suspicious look.

“Hmm, it’s Noel, isn’t it?” He slowly grinned. “I think you and Noel make a great couple. Better than you and Mimi…I approve!”

Kotaro looked away, hiding the red hue on his cheeks. Rocky, on the other hand, took advantage of the situation and teased him more. “You’re too easy, Kotaro! You should totally ask her out!”

Kotaro ignored him.

“Are you still into Mimi? Seriously dude? You have no chance of going out with her! She’s way outta your league.”

His friend continued to tease him while heading home. This was their everyday life, rinse and repeat lifestyle. Discovering Densetsu completely broke that loop. Kotaro never talked to anyone about it. Noel and this person she mentioned would know. Though, maybe returning to the world would change his way of life.

He couldn’t afford the risks. Anxiety ran through his blood and veins, thinking of the worst possibilities of his friends. Kotaro didn’t want to think too much about it.

A change of direction had parted them as they reached the next avenue. The Wilsons were already home, waiting for him to arrive.

“I’m home…” he announced.

He saw his dad reading a newspaper, and his mom who seemed to be knitting something.

“How’s school, honey?” Amanda asked while knitting.

“It was great, mom!” The first thing that came to mind were those azure eyes.

“Really? Tell us what happened,”

“There was a new student,” he reported. “It was a girl.”

The married couple canceled their performance and stared at their son. Like lightbulbs.

“Tell us more!” Amanda requested. “What’s her name?”

He anticipated this would happen. But what’s there to tell? Should he tell them that Noel was after him—no, that was unethical and foolish; she promised she would help him with his memories, and he would do the same for her. That was a promise he wouldn’t break.

“Uh, her name is Noel. She’s a…uh, kind person!”

It was difficult to analyze her. On paper, she appeared nice. But, she had this aggressive aura within her too. During the passage of a few minutes, Kotaro’s parents asked him number questions in a continuous fashion.

Soon, they declared they would meet her in person. Regret filled Kotaro. Hours had passed until the conversation died down.

Kyle checked the refrigerator. “Hey, Kotaro? Can you buy us some more eggs?”

“Will do, dad!” Kotaro obeyed, carrying his wallet before leaving the house.

He came across the school on his way to the grocery store. When he did, he found Noel still standing in the same spot. All alone.

Shivering in the sheer coldness, trying to keep herself warm by wrapping her with her arms, Kotaro immediately rushed to her aid.

“What are you doing, you dummy?!” he yelled.

Why did I say that? An inner instinct ran through the course of his veins as he moved on his own with the urge to help Noel. An action he never thought of doing. Why am I trying so hard to help her?

Noel drew a deep, foggy breath into the air. “H-Hi, Kotaro! How’s it g-g-going?”

Kotaro expressed an angry concern for her. Why am I feeling angry? “You idiot! You’re going to freeze here if you stay like this! Where are your parents?”

She chuckled a little. At a time like this, this was no laughing manner. Her skin was pale. Wearing clothes like that and exposing too much skin in the winter, she was already on the verge of hypothermia.

“What’s so funny?!”

“Everything I said about my parents was a lie,” she confessed.

The young man raised a brow. You should’ve said that in the first place, Kotaro thought.

“W-what are you doing here? And why do you care about me?”

He sighed heavily, “I don’t know. I was on my way to buy some eggs. Then I see you here freezing.”

Noel smiled. “Good enough…”

Truthfully, he couldn’t find the answers to his actions—but he knew he couldn’t stand doing nothing. “Well, it’s not much, but you can have this.”

He wrapped his crimson scarf around her neck. “Let’s go, Noel!” He grabbed her by the wrist as they started moving somewhere warm. She was a living refrigerator.

The new student stared at Kotaro from behind. Her face flushed red as it felt unusual to be holding his big, warm hand. “I’m sorry…”

Kotaro stopped, turning to Noel. “Hm? You said something?”

Noel gripped onto his hand tightly. “I can finally take you to Densetsu now!”

A portal materialized behind Noel. Kotaro’s eyes shrunk upon seeing the same portal from Riku’s shrine.

She forcibly pulled him to the portal, coming closer to the undefined rift. Black hands swarmed from the open portal and gripped onto Kotaro. Horrified, he tried freeing himself from both Noel’s grip and the black hands. It was too late.

Many phantasmagorias flashed through his eyes. Kotaro screamed in fear as he entered the portal.

Visions of himself as a young boy appeared before his eyes. Next to him was another kid, who looked nearly identical to him. The two boys seemed happy, smiling and laughing together. What am I seeing? What are these visions trying to tell me? Surely, Densetsu had answers to his childhood memories.

Coming across the small fork, he must pay the price. Time must repeat itself, and it could never change. His life would never be the same.

This chapter is probably one of my favorite chapters to write, especially writing Noel. I knew I wanted her more than just your typical tsundere girl archetype. And in this chapter, I wanted to foreshadow the amnesiac Kotaro making impulsive decisions such as trying to help a stranger whom he just met (a thing his past self would do, implying his past habits are slowly returning to him when he discovered Densetsu).

Offline Action Animation

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Re: Densetsu: A Beautiful Day
« Reply #12 on: March 13, 2021, 09:12:11 AM »
Apologies but since the inconsistencies will be carried throughout the story it will make reviewing them very difficult, since I will have no point of reference to look at and compare/contrast
and I would hate to sound like a broken record remarking the same or related issues that branched from chapter 0

the best I could do would be a surface level review instead of being in depth like I was before

with that said chapter 3 and 4 has shown a bit of a rhythm with your story and I do notice the inconsistencies you mentioned

Chapter 4 seems to have a lot of time devoted to your cast which is a good thing, it seemed to me you really enjoyed your time, especially with Noel
– Action
« Last Edit: March 13, 2021, 09:49:11 PM by Action Animation »

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Re: Densetsu: A Beautiful Day
« Reply #13 on: March 15, 2021, 03:21:58 PM »
The fifth chapter is here!

Chapter Five: The Legend Retold
The blazing sun coated him with warmth. Hordes of trees waved their arms, full of life and energy. He arose from the dirt, finding himself returning to the other world.

Surrounded by trees, he noticed the brushes moving. The horrors slowly returned. Kotaro saw their silhouettes.

The new student had been lying next to him. Her soft hands were warm, and Kotaro felt a sense of comfort around her despite she was only a mere stranger. One of the brushes shook violently.

Seconds later, a small green child appeared. And it leaped forward.

“Stay away!” Kotaro cried.

It was so sudden. He felt a strong jerk from his hand. Noel had awakened, her fist flew straight into the child’s jaw. “You won’t be hurt as long as I am here!”

The young analyzed the creature’s appearance. Green skin and pointy ears, nimble and nearly the size of a child, Kotaro collected all details of the monster. Its appearance looked nearly identical to those figurines he owned back home.

Noel arose, and she lent him a hand. He accepted it.

“Shouldn’t we get moving?” Kotaro suggested. “Goblins come in groups, don’t they? And it’s just the two of us!”

“You’re very knowledgeable of these creatures!” Noel commented. “But it’s not a problem if I take care of every one of them like this!”

A strong breeze of wind passed by. Leaves aborted their homes, and Kotaro saw more silhouettes appearing from the dark forest. “I call upon thy name. Hear my call as I require thy assistance! Arcus Demiror: Yoichi, appear!”

A beam of light struck from above, and Kotaro saw a turquoise bow wielded by Noel. The bow’s string emitted in a green light, and thin arrows filled with light materialized into her hand.

She readied her arrows in an archery position. The first arrow was fired, revealing several goblins hiding behind the tree.

The ground, the skies, and the trees vanished and transformed into a space of unfamiliarity. Hordes of the green children lost their hiding areas when trapped within this unknown world.

“What’s going on? Did we get transported?”

“It’s called a Spatial Dimension Field,” she fired her arrow which impaled one of the children. “Attack Skill: Shining Light!”

A third arrow. A goblin struck by this arrow started glowing in an azure hue. Reaching to its brightest color, the arrow and the goblin exploded—the explosion spread among the nearby goblins too.

He watched them scream high-pitched, fleeing the open battlefield. Except the problem was that this odd world had walls, completely symmetrical from each corner with zero lifeforms residing in it other than those who were trapped.

The unharmed goblins, malicious with audacity, charged toward the two with their small weapons.

“Attack Skill: Bullet Style: Bullet Dance!” Within seconds, she fired apace. One by one, her arrows were ready to be fired, and Noel released each projectile with zero delays. Her precision left the two untouched by the charging goblins.

Then, the world returned normal.

“Now, you might have some questions. I’ll try to answer them as best as I can.”

She was right. So many questions bubbled his head. Noel was incredible. Her archery skills were inhuman, capable of releasing arrows after arrows without any drawbacks. And, her arrows easily replenished—they were limitless.

“What are you?”

“I’m a full-fledged esper. What I used was called Skills.”

“Skills?”

“Skills are the magical arts practiced thousands of years ago in Densetsu. One must concentrate their reiki energy with their mind and lead the energy with their heart to which transforms into Skill. Once a person is able to master Skills, they can become espers.”

Every word out of her mouth sounded like quotes straight from a comic book. The way she fought those creatures by herself, she was like a vigilante. “There’s energy involved?”

“Reiki energy, the life force that lives inside all of us. It isn’t exclusive to lifeforms—it resides within inanimate objects too.”

She demonstrated the visible essence of the aforementioned energy. A shapeless and azure orb manifested above her hand before vanishing into thin air.

“You mentioned the Spatial Dimension Field. What’s that about?” Kotaro asked.

“It’s simple. An empty space where one could throw even the most deadliest attack. Essentially, a playground. After all, that’s what every esper must obey within the Skill Rules.”

“Skill Rules?” He raised a brow.

“A set of rules that is created for espers in order to prevent the destruction of the world,” Noel explained. “Espers like the Kamiyama Shrine Maiden have the power capable of destroying both Densetsu and the Outside World, so the Skill Rules exist to suppress that power.”

“Riku can do that?!”

“Her powers are immeasurable. Every one of the Kamiyama Shrine Maidens were revered as saints ascended from the Heaven. Thus, the Skill Rules was created in order to create a balance.”

“Do you think I can do that too?” Kotaro replied.

“If you train hard enough, you’ll be able to do the same as me,” she said. “Now come, my master is waiting.”

He remembered…she only fulfilled a part of her mission. And her next objective was bringing him to this person she referred to as “master”. The two wandered through the dark forest.

Noel warned Kotaro to stay alert for any sudden movement. Monsters thrived in the forest. It was convenient and deadly.

“Hey, Noel?”

“What is it?”

“That bow,” he mentioned, “where did it go?”

“I don’t know, but I can always summon it upon calling its name.”

“What kind of bow does that?”

“It’s complicated. In short, they were special weapons used for war.”

And their conversation withered. They continued walking to a path of nowhere as it felt like a never-ending loop. Time acted differently in this world.

If he remembered, the moon remained in his world. Yet, the sun was out here. They walked through the tunnel made by the remains of dead trees.

By the end of it towards the light, Noel stopped her tracks. Her head dropped to the dirt, so did Kotaro. Their eyes spotted a tiny door attached within a particular tree. Noel knelt to its level.

Noel’s master is an elf?

“Master Yuuki, he’s here. The one you told me to bring.”

“He has appeared?” a voice called, coming from the house.

A portal materialized in front of them. From the portal came a young man in a white jacket, standing around the same height as Kotaro. He had long strands of blonde hair, glowing violet eyes, and he carried a pink parasol.

“Kotaro, am I glad to see you again! It’s me, Yuuki Nohara!”

Noel’s eyes widened. Kotaro, on the other hand, stared at him curiously.

He nervously smiled, “Um? Do I know you?”

“You mean you don’t remember me?”

He shook his head.

“Oh, I’m so sad…” Yuuki whimpered. He leaned closer to Kotaro’s ears. “Well, you are going to remember me when you step upon my world.”

He stared at Kotaro with an intense glare, causing Kotaro to raise both his shoulders up to his head. Chuckling, he retreated a few meters from Kotaro. “Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Yuuki Nohara, one of the Legends who created this world.”

The Legends, he recalled those words spoken from the shrine maiden. “You discovered this world by accident. Like all other outsiders before you, this will be your new home!”

“But, I have school. And my parents will be worried about me if I don’t return!” Kotaro argued.

His quivering only fueled Yuuki’s laughter. The young blonde approached up close which was enough for Kotaro to enter a turtle state. “Oh? You have people who will be worried about you?” and he came even closer to Kotaro’s comfort, causing him to land on his lower back. “Then cry for me!”

Yuuki’s eyes, violet and shiny, reminded him of all the other eyes he’s seen, filled with brute and intimidation. Sometimes, he regretted not standing up for himself. Having these memories coming back to him made him clenched his fists tight.

He picked himself up from the ground, and he confronted his adversary. “I’m not living here whether you like it or not! There are people who will miss me if I’m gone!”

The flames within every breath diminished. Upon realization of his action, Kotaro quickly backed away. “I-I mean, I didn’t mean to sound angry! I was just scared.”

Laughter sparked in the air, and the young blonde pressed upon his stomach. “You’re a funny one, Kotaro! So it looks like I did choose the right one!”

“The right one?”

He shook his head.

“That’s right! I forgot to tell her!” and Yuuki laughed hoarsely. Then he cleared his throat. “There’s a certain plague that’s causing sickness upon this world. Yokai and monsters- alike are attacking on sight. And a factory is the cause of it. However, Densetsu natives like myself cannot enter it due to a powerful barrier. In conclusion, the balance is in the process of falling apart.”

“If you’re one of the creators, aren’t you supposed to fix—” Noel quickly elbowed his waist, and she shook her head.

“It’s a yes and a no. Legends like us have rules we have to follow—although, I often break them because I feel like it. Legends aren’t allowed to participate in human or monster quarrels otherwise it’ll favor one or the other. However, we can turn the tides, but it must be a fair outcome—meaning there are no winners or losers if we’re involved. There is one exception. Because we’re Legends, we keep both worlds in balance. So, let’s say someone has the guts to destroy Densetsu and Outside World, that’s where the Legends can get involved.”

“Then who does the dirty job?”

“Why, the Kamiyama Shrine Maiden of course! Her main purpose is to protect the balance between human and monster conflict.”

“What about my world? Who keeps it safe?”

“Funny that you ask…nobody…” he replied.

“I don’t understand. Why?”

“It’s simple. Humans in your world move forward and forget about the folklore, myths, and legends. Densetsu exists to keep the traditions alive, thus giving birth to the monsters. If it were to ever be discovered, Densetsu will merely be a world of resource and expansion. Why do you think the wandering portals I create close once an individual enters them?”

His words, all of them became clear. Before he spoke again, he noticed Yuuki’s hand raised. Above, a portal was created, and a tiny orb materialized. It flew straight into the portal.

Instantly, a nearby branch fell from the skies. Kotaro jumped in fear. “There’s no need to hide, shrine maiden.”

The brushes shook briskly, and the red-and-white shrine maiden revealed herself. “I thought we discussed not bringing him along!”

She appeared more aggressive the last time he met her. “You know this would all repeat again, so it’s already pointless. He’s going to lose to her no matter how many times we try to alter it.”

“What makes you think your plan would work? By breaking the Skill Rules? You will become a threat to the entire world despite your intention.”

The shrine maiden angrily smacked one of the trees. It snapped in half. “I can’t do anything if sickness plagues my people!”

“You’re the Kamiyama Shrine Maiden. People have hope because you’re always there for them,” replied Yuuki.

Riku quietly growled. Her brows furrowed in frustration.

“Kotaro, give me your hands!”

He immediately extended his arms to Riku. No questions asked.

Her soft hands warmed his hands, and he felt a sensation running through his arms up to his shoulders, then up to his heart and brain. Kotaro’s heart raced briskly within seconds, feeling the adrenaline coursing through his biceps and his calves.

“What did you do to me?” He freed himself from her grip.

“Did you feel that? That is reiki energy. I gave you a pierce of my powers to you. It’s only temporary, so finish the job before you waste it all!” She strayed her irritated eyes off the young man, now targeting Yuuki. “I hate to admit it, but I can’t do anything if it weren’t for that barrier blocking the entrance. So I’m putting my trust into the outsider once more.”

“Oh, that’s right!” How could I forget? You are going to need a weapon to defend yourself! I know the perfect weapon that’ll do the job,” said Yuuki, stealing a glance at Riku.

The shrine maiden slowly shook her head, but he retaliated with a wink.

Yuuki opened a portal above Kotaro, and a stick fell into his hand. The young man tilted his head in confusion.

Tiny winged creatures chuckled by the puny gift. They were no smaller than a penny, green and haughty.

“Just a moment. Allow me to show what this sword is capable of.”

Kotaro happily gave the stick to him.

“Power Sword!” The stick transformed into a sword. The haughty fairies’ presence disturbed Yuuki greatly, so he slew them with no remorse. “And I believe this is yours.”

He hesitantly accepted the sword as it reverted to its puny form.

“Now, let us go to our main destination!” He snapped his finger, creating portals beneath his peers’ feet.

Kotaro shrieked briefly, almost forgetting about Yuuki’s power. He dropped to a field of bladed grass.

The sky blackened. Animals retreated to the forests, including the large predators. He saw a visible barrier surrounding a building. It looked like a modern factory with blue package containers lying around.

“You see that? That is the Barrier of Makai. Only outsiders like you are able to enter it without harm. There is something that’s creating the smoke, and it’s making everyone sick, so your job is to destroy the source.”

I see, so that’s why Riku can’t do anything, Kotaro thought.

Though, he was curious. Both Riku and Yuuki were arguing like parents in a disagreement.

“So, why doesn’t she want me here? Does she hate me?” Kotaro asked.

“Not at all. It’s more like she cares for your safety,” Yuuki answered. “You can feel it, can’t you? The memories of your past?”

He widened his eyes, turning his attention to Yuuki. “Do you know something about it?”

“I know a lot of things. For starters, you have been here before. But this particular day always repeats itself because of you. Often, the other you have told me about your past—and that your memories are returning.”

“I don’t understand. Why is this day repeating itself?”

“We’re restarting the day to prevent you from dying.”

“I die?” This conversation overwhelmed him. He didn’t want to believe it, but he felt that he should. “How?”

“By a machine known as Project Device Type-0013 Never Ending World or NEW for short. You’re forced to fight her, but when you do, you always die. She seeks the power inside of you, and if she has it, both our worlds are in grave danger.”

“Do you really think I can do this?” Kotaro asked.

“I believe in you,” assured Yuuki.

Expectations pressured him, yet it encouraged him. He walked past the shrine maiden, who stared at him. Completely silent. There was no stopping him.

He proceeded forward to his destination until he approached the violet forcefield. He entered it unharmed.

“Kotaro, you should be careful when you enter the barrier. I can sense several security guards.”

Kotaro turned around. His brows raised as he noticed Noel passed through the barrier unharmed.

“Noel? How did you bypass the barrier?”

She looked at herself, unscathed. Intruders who weren’t from the Outside World would be badly injured, or worse, die.

“Impossible! I’m native to Densetsu. I know I am! I was born here.”

“This doesn’t mean you’re originally from my world?”

“No, it doesn’t! It just means I was able to bypass it unharmed.”

“Hey! What are you two doing here?” Two guards in scarlet helmets were alerted by their argument. “Not even the Kamiyama Shrine Maiden can enter here which means the two of you are outsiders!”

They pointed their ranged weapons at the two.

“I’m not an outsider!” yelled Noel, her brows furrowed. She observed their appearance.

They wore helmets that revealed only their mouths, brown scarves, and large dirty boots; however, it was their fire-symbol emblem that caught her attention.

“You’re Infernians! What are you two doing in Sylvan grounds?” Noel demanded.

“Classified information. Besides—”

“No, they deserve to know. They’re not going to like what’s happening behind their backs,” the guard interrupted, smirking.

Noel squinted her eyes in suspicion. “What are you talking about?”

“Let’s just say, Sylvan Supreme Jones struck a deal with our government. He has agreed to buy Infernian technology in order to improve sylvan land.”

“How is this improving Sylvia? The people of Sylvia are growing sick everyday by the smoke that you are creating!” Noel argued.

“Do you have any proof? From the looks of it, you look perfectly fine,” the guard countered.

“We’re creating the ultimate weapon. The Project Devices. They will defend your people from monsters,” the other guard added.

“Enough! I challenge the both of you in a Skills Battle! You will not continue this project of yours and tarnish my land as you desire!” Noel declared.

Both the guards glanced at each other before turning their attention back to Noel. “You’re going to fight us on your own?”

Kotaro had remained silent this entire time, unaware of what was happening. This appeared to be a bigger conflict he got himself involved in.

“Noel, are you sure you can handle this? Don’t you want any help?”

“I don’t need your help. You will just be dead weight to me.”

Kotaro froze, unable to protest her decision. She was at a disadvantage which worried him.

“Now, let the battle begin!”

This is probably my longest chapter, and the most info-dumping one too (if there's too much unnecessary info-dumping, let me know). Cause this is where I introduce its magic system and briefly about Riku and her role as the shrine maiden.

And as for the new character introduced, I wanted him to be mysterious and mischievous while being clearly hinting that he knows a lot of things that most other characters don't. Such as having information about Kotaro's memories and NEW herself.

Originally, I was also thinking about changing POVs into Riku and her struggles in trying to save Kotaro from the Infinite Loops--though I was unsure whether or not it was necessary to add it in this chapter in particular--because the next chapter (spoiler alert) is the fight between Kotaro and NEW. Nevertheless, feedbacks are always welcomed to help me improve!

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Re: Densetsu: A Beautiful Day
« Reply #14 on: April 10, 2021, 05:22:32 PM »
You have gotten alot brtter with the discriptions, its much easier to envision your world and your cast has also become more lively^^
-Action