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Author Topic: The Raven of Rowe  (Read 337 times)

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Offline Hikari

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The Raven of Rowe
« on: September 20, 2020, 03:38:02 PM »
Alrighty, figured I'd look for some critique as Im getting it nowhere else.

The world was formed by the heavenly being Ea, who in turn created 7 gods controlling different aspect of life. He would then use his control of Life to form all living creatures including man and mer. Time flowed peacefully for many millennia. However, Ea had become increasingly frail, he had wanted to follow the rule he set for his children and would age and eventually die. His gaze had left the gods he had created and they used this freedom to make their rules more enforced. They ended up becoming tyrants, demanding sacrifices and often hunting and destroying whole cities for fun. This would all end when the Hero of Rowe teamed with the then Elven Prince and the two would lead a rebellion. They succeeded in killing their oppressors. Over time the two races became distant and the country of man would split into 6 kingdoms: Alden, Rowe, Regalia, Vardar, Phaxi and Ezo. They would fight constant wars.

It was in these wars, that 6 soldiers emerged. They possessed superhuman abilities and left no soul alive. They were: Dolos, Iah, Morrigan, Shango, Benzaiten and their leader Sol. Soon after the wars they had taken new roles. Benzaiten (Now Uta), Shango and Iah had become heavenly figures in their respective kingdoms. Dolos (Now Apocrypha) became an advisor to the ruler of Regalia and Morrigan feld to the forrests of Alden, with stories of her slaughtering the innocent lost souls who find her alone. It was only Sol who had disappeared into the void. Never to be heard of again

Now, a plot unfolds. The elven Prince Ithkan and his royal guard Zatahl find themselves in the country of man, chased by those who wish to do him harm. They call upon a deadbeat hunter named Murakami to help them find their way back home.


So then, this is a story of gods, elves, tyrannical kings, magic and a few mythical beasts. I could include more, however you dont need to hear that. Over the next few weeks I'll try to add character profiles to this. The first will most likely be of Uta as she is the most complete character in this.

Sorry for the long read, I just want to see what can be improved on, I have sorta walked down one path and cant find any others, dont want to hit a brick wall and try to blindly find another way when I can get a second opinion

Thanks  :sheep: :sheep: :sheep:

Offline Coryn

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Re: The Raven of Rowe
« Reply #1 on: September 20, 2020, 04:08:58 PM »
Well it certainly seems like a sound basis of mythology to base a story on. I would like to dig into it for faults, but seeing how it doesn't look like it contradicts itself there's not too much to say. One gripe I will point out is that some of your naming is a nmbut on the nose, and clashes with real life mythology in an unpleasant way. Since most of your names are based in fantasy, it throws me for a loop when you drop in Morrigan as a she-witch type creature living out in the woods, or Sol as the leader of the group of heroes. You just seem to be creating inconsistencies with the naming conventions.

Will review stories upon request. My latest arc: http://goo.gl/KYgsfF

Offline Hikari

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Re: The Raven of Rowe
« Reply #2 on: September 20, 2020, 06:37:52 PM »
Can you elaborate on the unpleasant feeling? I did try and make it less jarring but if it still is I’d like to get that issue ironed out.

Tbf with some of the characters they do have a lot to do with actual mythology and I can’t say I’m not borrowing a lot especially with Morrigan. I started to get really into mythology a little while ago and that might have seeped into the creation process. One thing I can say about the characters however is that though they will have some borrowed pieces from pantheons, these will hopefully only be building blocks alongside some traits I feel work and make the characters more unique. I’ll get Morrigan’s our first so there’s a bit more to sink ya teeth into

Offline Coryn

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Re: The Raven of Rowe
« Reply #3 on: September 20, 2020, 07:32:01 PM »
I think it really is just the disparity between some names being obvious references and others not. It's the fine line between making a reference and out-right saying "this is what this is based on". While the others may be based on pieces of actual mythology, you would actually have to read the story to make the connection. When you name a character Morrigan though, I can immediately go, "Oh, this character is just The Morrigan", and there's no digging or thought left to the reader. You're just spelling it out without leaving the reader the accomplishment of figuring it out for themselves.

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Offline Hikari

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Re: The Raven of Rowe
« Reply #4 on: September 21, 2020, 02:37:32 AM »
I see...

Might be an idea to use a new name like with Benzaiten and Dolos. Bit like a nickname. The two with nicknames have em mainly due to them being designed before I started adding mythology to the series. I’ll have to think bout that  :hmm:

Thanks Coryn, if there’s anything else that could be improved on let me know

Offline Hikari

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Re: The Raven of Rowe
« Reply #5 on: September 21, 2020, 01:53:03 PM »
Alrighty, character profile no.1: Uta/Benzaiten

Benzaiten was a soldier alongside Sol, Morrigan, Iah, Dolos and Shango. She utilises sound waves to distort, and destroy. Her powers range from simple sound blasts to breaking opponent’s ear drums. She actually has incredible hearing, being able to hear conversations countries away. Due to this hearing, continuous use of her power actually affects her as well. This, plus her already weak constitution makes her advisors of Ezo very protective of her. She is an adventurous soul who would love to hear the music of the world in person, but she is also very proper as she has been treated like a goddess for many years. Due to her hearing she catches moments of normal people doing things that she really doesn’t want to hear... or at least she says she doesn’t.  She has a diary filled with details on which members of the world are being indecent... which makes her blush every time.

She tends to spend her days speaking to her advisors about the current affairs of her kingdom. She spends a good amount of time practicing her Biwa and keeping an ear out for any interesting stories.

Uta’s hearing is so good that she can actually hear everything across the country of man. There was once a rumour (that was very true), that she almost broke the kingdoms strict lockdown in order to allow musicians from Vardar as they produced her favourite music... this was swiftly stopped by her advisors and she was reprimanded

Offline Lord Kesashi

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Re: The Raven of Rowe
« Reply #6 on: September 22, 2020, 05:13:45 AM »
One thing to consider would be the significance of each element of the story.

"The world was formed by the heavenly being Ea, who in turn created 7 gods"
We can all except a premise where someone creates the world for no reason, but Ea's second decision seems odd. Why? Why make specifically 7 gods? What's the significance of that choice. Obviously one of the reasons is that it will move the story forward, but other than that there doesn't seem to be a reason to do that. It could be:

-There are 7 things that needed to be governed.
-Ea wasn't capable of, or didn't want to, do what those 7 gods did
-The people asked Ea for 7 different gods to rule over them for 7 different reasons
-The number 7 will be a repeating theme
-They have 7 unique personalities like say if god#1 wasn't a tyrant, god#2 was extra evil, god#3 created new things, etc.


Greek Mythology is based on the idea of man being god, the significance is that relatively inconsequential choices that humans make, like cheating on their spouse, have a cataclysmic impact on the entire world. The idea of having a creator who grows old and dies is interesting because it brings up some interesting questions like, "who created him?" "what happens if no one replaces him?" "does he need to be replaced?" and finally "who will replace him" which tends to be the only question most Demon Lord anime tend to answer. These are problems human beings have to solve, but actual universe never has to deal with these problems.

"They succeeded in killing their oppressors."
This statement is dangerous here because what you're essentially saying is in the end none of that matters. They're all dead now, and the world is completely different. If the significance of that was to setup a divided world, it would be reasonable to skip it entirely, and start off with a divided world and say "as long as we can remember we have been divided into 6 nations". However, the significance could be:

-They will need to unite again to defeat a common enemy, like how the Hero of Rowe and the Elven Prince united.
-The gods will return
-History will repeat itself


You are setting yourself up for something interesting, but it may be easier to ignore things that may not be significant and work directly what they setup.

Offline Hikari

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Re: The Raven of Rowe
« Reply #7 on: September 22, 2020, 12:57:30 PM »
Actually didn’t think about why 7... I can most definitely think about that, thanks man.

So far my plans for after the gods are killed is that all of the power they had is stolen (you can probably guess who by based on religion). I realise now I didn’t make a point about Ea not being killed. Now Ea and this other character are yin-yang, in a constant battle. The worry is that Ea does indeed have a time limit and age will eventually take him, so now he is scouting for someone to take his place whilst battling the evil. Should he fail this, then this thief will take the throne, whether he would make the world a better place or plunge it into chaos is up to anyone’s guess.

There is a reason the gods needed to die and why we start the story after this but that is a major plot point, it links to everyone from Sol, Murakami as well as the elves and to an extent the hero.

Thanks for the advice my guy. And thanks for reading through the text wall