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Author Topic: Sci-fi story I thought was mildly interesting  (Read 494 times)

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Offline TheGreatestWriterOnEarth

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Sci-fi story I thought was mildly interesting
« on: July 19, 2020, 12:14:43 AM »
Basic Synopsis
Story of a small crew on an expedition trip, the story revolves around the predator concept. They are trying to find other intelligent life forms, while continually sending out radio waves. However, the predator species intercepts their messages and decides to invade. The predator species is one that takes over organisms and forces them to do things against their will, like some classic parasite type *censored*. The crew consists of a married couple, a marine biologist, and a puppeteer.



Story I have so far
As I step on to my deck and survey my crew it becomes increasingly obvious how taxing this trip will be, as my crew consists of a couple and a puppeteer. They’re people who have the unique ability to follow simple instructions, and that is about it. The government was desperate to find another planet to safely colonize as they followed this bare-bones formula for at least a hundred other crews. Priorities meant that they needed to keep the competent people within reach but push the expendables through the reaches of the galaxy for the random chance of finding Earth 2.0. Now, what happened to our original Earth? I am not sure since the population was deported onto a mobile space station in such a rush over some threat, no one paused to verify what that threat was. Of course, we are all asking questions now but people tend to get silenced in interesting ways so we keep to ourselves in these trying times.

And by “population” I mean everyone under a certain tax bracket, excluding people with existing debilitating health conditions and of course a very loose age requirement, 16 - 55 year olds. The admission was quick as well, you simply got a shady looking government official at your door with armed guards and were very quickly ushered to a bland-looking white building. Which in hindsight was likely serving as a packing facility, at least from the outside, when you stepped inside it looked more like an airport. Complete with metal detectors and guards that shook you down. Sadly though that’s as far as the similarities go because after you were checked for weapons or illegal items you were stripped down and evaluated by a group of doctors who deemed you to be fit or not. As soon as you were given the green light by them you were given a fresh set of white jumpsuits and a cloth bag. You could put on the bag willingly or by force and I’ve always considered myself a pacifist if the situation involved armed guards. From then on though I can’t tell you what happened, I can mention that at some point I got stuffed into what felt like a box and being pricked by quite a few needles. Next thing I knew I was in a mobile space station. How exactly did I get here? Your guess is as good as mine honestly but I can’t help but think that the needle pricks had something to do with making the journey very smooth.

Anyways the station reminded me of the packing facility, guess consistent is their key focus oddly enough because we got stripped and checked again but otherwise it was a cramped space with narrow hallways. Coupled with proper gravity, it was so proper that I had a hard time believing I wasn’t still on earth though a brief view out of a window convinced me shortly after. Not quite sure why we were forced to strip again since we were already deemed fit but I guess they were checking delivery damage like we were merchandise. This time was much easier since the meds were still in effect and their judging glares were easier on our dignity. From then on we were separated into 2 different groups, “Leaders” and “Followers”. This process included a brief questioning stage and then a testing stage. Of course, this was held after we sobered up with a quick 45-minute nap in a large room with short beds attached to the walls and large windows to the abyss beyond our perception, there were a couple of people who asked for more meds but I distinctly remember their bodies floating outside of our windows so there were no more requests after that. Oddly enough I don’t think it was the naps that sobered us up but it was the 45 minutes most of us spent with eyes far agape staring at the bodies outside the windows in complete and utter disbelief. It was a truly surreal experience remembering how close we were to home just a little bit ago but now we were looking at people encased in the cold embrace of space wondering if we were next. Many people were purposefully rebelling because they did not want to continue with whatever nightmare this was leading to but the guards were at some point permitted to beat down any signs of insubordination instead of outright killing it. Almost seemed like they could no longer afford killing more people. It felt weirdly comforting knowing we were needed by this entity that had whisked us from our lives and put us in this surreal position. It wasn’t enough to quell our deep-seated hatred against them however.



Some advice on where I could take the story and some additions you might think could help.
« Last Edit: July 21, 2020, 10:44:11 PM by TheGreatestWriterOnEarth »

Offline Coryn

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Re: Sci-fi story I thought was mildly interesting
« Reply #1 on: July 19, 2020, 10:54:21 PM »
I don't have the time now, but I'll mark this one down to take a look at!

In the he meantime, I suggest you introduce yourself in the welcome center! Your handle is certainly a statement in of itself, bit let us know you've arrived and who you are!

Will review stories upon request. My latest arc: http://goo.gl/KYgsfF

Offline TheGreatestWriterOnEarth

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Re: Sci-fi story I thought was mildly interesting
« Reply #2 on: July 21, 2020, 10:27:54 PM »
I appreciate the reply and I'll do that right now.

Offline jollymaestro

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Re: Sci-fi story I thought was mildly interesting
« Reply #3 on: July 23, 2020, 05:30:26 AM »
It's a pretty interesting concept. I love odd situations that just happen like this, sort of like Kafkas' Metamorphosis that just goes right to the story. I was wondering how the heck a pupeteer got onto the ship but it adds to the mystery of why people are being chosen, and since a lot of people are being sent out it makes sense that not everyone is an expert.

As for the story I can follow what the narrator is explaining, but it'd help a lot if you broke up the sentences with more paragraphs. It's just a simple thing that lets' the reader follow the words better. Formatting on the forum is iffy so you've got to pay attention to that.

All in all a very interesting concept.

As far as how it progresses I'd say just start at the start. I like what's been narrated so far, but it'd work a lot better if you started the story on the ship as the radio transmissions are being sent out. That way you can introduce the other crew members and immediately develop the scene where the predator race finds them out.

Offline TheGreatestWriterOnEarth

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Re: Sci-fi story I thought was mildly interesting
« Reply #4 on: July 23, 2020, 08:53:44 PM »
Thanks for the advice, I typed this out in like 45 minutes so I did like no formatting lmao. I agree that I should start the story a bit more differently, the radio idea was good I'll likely go with that. I appreciate the suggestions quite a bit.