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Author Topic: Writing a Fight Scene!!!  (Read 3006 times)

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Offline Vikings1428

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Writing a Fight Scene!!!
« on: March 13, 2020, 12:53:34 PM »
Guys, I wasn't sure how a great literary fight scene was from the start to finish, so I gave it a try within my attempt at a light novel that isn't finished with editing, but here it is, and I want to see everyone here try their hand at a literary fight scene as well!!
I'll give feedback and also like feedback on my attempt as well!

Spoiler
“Hey, you!!” Yuki shouted, maintaining eye contact with the man, as Theo didn’t really notice Yuki within his hypnotic state. Theo was startled by Yuki shouting, but attempted to merely look away, hoping the boy wasn’t yelling at him.
“Did that child actually notice me… No, that’s impossible…” Theo thought while nervously looking to the ground now.
“Yeah, you! Librarian!” Yuki shouted, without much of a plan on what to do afterwards.
“What… Impossible…” Theo thought, then suddenly took off, stifling his way through the crowd in the process.
“He’s running!” Yuki shouted as he began pursuit after the librarian which started with a leap over the yellow tape and into the crowd. Anastasia took notice, the only one who gave Yuki attention as he was shouting, others dismissed it as another one of his emotional outbursts after seeing the crime scene.
“What is he doing…” Anastasia thought.
“He actually thinks he can escape?” Yuki thought while in pursuit, then shouted, “Hey, stop running!”
Theo on the other hand remained running, ignoring much of the obnoxious shouting by the child who happened to be running after him. “Did he figure it out... How did he even see me...” Theo thought as he began to push pedestrians over, attempting to slow Yuki down.
“Get out the way!” Yuki shouted as he paid no mind to the pedestrians who had been pushed over by the suspect. Theo changed his straight forward direction and took a sudden left into an alley beside the main street. Yuki, without much thought, ensued into the alley as well, following the suspect, hoping to finally stop these murders from continuing. His emotions may have overpowered his thoughts during this whole process. As soon as Yuki made the sharp turn, he saw Theo standing there with his back turned at least halfway into the alley. The alley itself was pretty narrow, it could barely fit Theo if he spanned his arms out.
“You actually thought you could run…” Yuki said, surprised that the suspect halted the chase.
“I’m surprised you figured it out… who would’ve thought a kid like you would’ve figured it out. How did you know?”
“I saw you in the surveillance footage and you happened to be in the crowd when another body showed up… you running away didn’t help either.”
“So you know why I have to do this then, right…”
“What is he planning…” Yuki thought as his guard was up, as one should be once they corner their prey.
“It doesn’t matter though… I’ll get rid of you quickly.”
“You have nowhere to go pal, just surrender.” Theo began to laugh at Yuki’s confidence as he whipped out a knife, Yuki spots the weapon almost immediately and thinks “Now I’m at a disadvantage… I can easily get out the alley but do I want this guy to really get away? My best bet is to beat him here or hold him off until some of the others realize I’m gone.”
“I’m guessing you’ll be the next victim!” Theo shouted in excitement as Yuki hadn’t the slightest idea what he was capable of.
“He’s completely different from when I first met him…” Yuki thought as Theo began rushing towards his opponent.
Theo goes to plunge his knife downward into Yuki’s chest, after all, with the height difference, this motion is ideal. This is what Yuki trained for, a situation like this, with his back against the wall and his one goal is to subdue the criminal in front of him. Yuki swiftly blocked Theo’s attempt to end this quickly, which led to a physical rift between Theo attempting to push the knife further and Yuki holding his arms up to prevent that scenario. Yuki needed to get himself out of this situation, after all, how long can he hold a block like that, especially with Theo’s height advantage, he needed to do something before Theo was able to pin his blade into Yuki’s ribcage. Yuki, still somewhat struggling holding the block, grasped onto Theo’s wrist, attempting to get the knife out of his hands. However, that plan only made things worse, Theo used that slight opening to his advantage, and swiftly pinned Yuki to a wall to his left, using the momentum he had previously that was halted by Yuki’s block. Yuki literally found himself against a wall now, the tight space within this alley didn’t help much, and somehow, Theo’s pressing seemed to be getting stronger by the minute.
“What the hell?! He’s getting stronger… he’s pushing me against the wall…” Yuki thought as he pushed back from Theo, attempting to gain separation from the malicious hot iron.
“How did he do that? Was he holding back before?” Yuki thought as his shove worked for now.
Theo doesn’t let up his assault, barely giving Yuki much time for a second breath. Theo goes for a reckless swing for Yuki, hoping to land a fatal blow, but to his surprise Yuki was able to easily dodge the first thrust, and so he continued for another, to which Yuki was able to dodge, albeit just barely, again. Theo couldn’t quite understand how Yuki was able to keep up with his attacks let alone capable of dodging them, this wasn’t something he was used to. His victims prior to today would always freeze in utter terror, not knowing what to do other than scream for help, which ultimately is recognized as useless. But dodging? No, that hasn’t ever happened prior to today, he was quite shocked at how Yuki wasn’t shivering in fear by now, this was unexpected to say the least. Nonetheless, Yuki remained on the defense even though he couldn’t do much to alter that situation.
“Dammit, I can’t let it keep going like this…” Yuki thought.
“Are you going to keep resisting boy?” Theo questioned Yuki’s drive to continue this assault.
“All I have to do is get that knife out of his hands…” Yuki thought as he focused on the sole weapon that created this disadvantage in the first place. Yuki barely has his back off the wall, still in a bad position as Theo doesn’t relent his attacks. He swiftly goes for another fatal blow, to which Yuki barely dodged, but it still made Yuki bleed by leaving a small hairline scratch on his right cheek. Theo continues, this time aiming for Yuki’s heart, a blow that doesn’t usually miss, nor does Theo use much since it isn’t much fun if he were to kill his subject with just one blow. He felt it was necessary for this occasion as Yuki’s agility became a nuisance to him. To Theo’s surprise, Yuki caught his wrist before he was able to land the fatal blow. Yuki smirked at Theo as he knew he finally got an advantage within this altercation, he swiftly twisted Theo’s wrist, making it habitual for Theo to drop the knife. Yuki kicked the knife further into the alley, and smirked again, finally, it was an even playing field now.
“You actually think that you have a chance now?” Theo redundantly asked.
“Well, without that knife of yours, we’re even now.”
“Hahahaha!!—” Theo broke out into a deranged laughter before finishing his response with “Hehe… you’re so naive boy.”
“What?!” Yuki shouted as Theo swiftly went to punch Yuki in the chest. Yuki couldn’t dodge it in time with the amount of speed Theo put into the hook, it caught Yuki off guard a bit on how quick it was compared to his previous attacks. Yuki was still able to defend himself with a block using his right arm. To Yuki’s surprise, his arm breaks like a twig with the impact of Theo’s straight, which Yuki creates further separation between the two, facing his back at the edge of the alley towards the main street, still questioning what just occurred. Luckily, the adrenaline made the pain not as noticeable as it should be, he didn’t know that it was going to hurt a helluva lot later, if that ever happens.
“My arm, how did he break it… just how strong is this guy…” Yuki thought.
“Do you get it now boy?!”
Yuki grasped his arm, feeling the clean cut break on his forearm, thinking “Dammit, I don’t think I can last much longer…”
Theo doesn’t allow Yuki a second more, the shock from the previous blow didn’t help Yuki’s case either, as the speed from Theo was too much for a dodge or even another block.
“You’re finished kid!”
“Dammit… I can’t move…” Yuki thought. Was this is, was this the end? Talk about a poor way to go, not only did he confront the person similar to the culprit within his own case, he couldn’t even land a single blow on him, just how far did he have to work to get where he wants to be, was these past two months not enough? Yuki expected another hurdle or two, but he didn’t even think in his wildest imagination that the gap was larger than a mountain, how could he ever achieve to leap such a distance. This is it, after all, the only bright side to all of this is maybe he’ll be able to see his father again, even though he’s leaving with shock and a large pack of regret. It couldn’t be like this, could it? He didn’t want it to end like this, there’s still far too much he needs to do, and like this, at the hands of a psychotic deranged killer, no, not like this.
   Then, suddenly, something grabs Yuki’s shirt from his backside, and yanked him to the right, to which Theo’s fatal blow is able to miss Yuki completely. Yuki is tossed a bit to the right, barely having his back off the right wall of the alley, still surprised that he’s somehow still alive, and yet, there stood the person that saved his life, well, the back of the person that is. It was Anastasia, the swing that missed Yuki left Theo wide open, and Anastasia capitalized on that by kneeing him in the gut. The impact, as well with a retreat thereafter, allowed Theo to separate himself from a surprise guest that allowed Yuki to go beyond his expiration date.
“Next time you should tell someone.” Anastasia said.
“Sorry, but I didn’t have time for that.”
“It’s her…” Theo thought, then said, “Well well well, it looks like my plan worked out in the end after all…” Theo couldn’t withhold all of his excitement from his plans succeeding.
“What… did he want me and Yuki here?” Anastasia thought while glancing back towards Yuki, already identifying his broken arm.
“This was part of his plan?” Yuki thought, still shocked that he’s still alive, and the fact that he now knows he walked right into the belly of the beast willingly.
Theo couldn’t waste this perfect opportunity, his plans had worked just as he set it up after all. Theo darted towards Anastasia, attempting to complete his blueprints, and attempts a full on assault on her by swinging recklessly and testing her capabilities. She was able to easily dodge his onslaught of bone breaking swings with ease, even managing to land another blow on him, which allowed a pause within the assault.
“Hmph… you’re better than the boy…” Theo let out before swinging straight for her temple. Anastasia dodged it, yet again, by simply outmaneuvering it, but Theo didn’t let up, he resumed the assault, with another swing, this time to the side of Anastasia as she left herself open for a fraction of a second after her successful dodge. She managed to push his wrist out the way, making sure whatever he isn’t able to land a blow that seemed to be enough to break her ribs. He swung towards her again, this time heading for her cheek. She dodged it with ease, but didn’t expect him to already have launched his second attack, as it was T-minus two seconds towards impact. She barely dodged the second one to her left cheek, but in the process, she somehow still got a cut on her right cheek from dodging the nearly career ending blow.
“What... but I dodged it...” Anastasia thought as she looked at the small scratch on her right cheek. This irritated her, but this didn’t stop Theo’s assault, he swung again, this time aiming for her neck area. Anastasia easily dodge this by ducking and still going through in a sweeping motion in the process, successfully cutting through Theo’s legs. He was down on his back, similar to a flipped over tortoise, as she didn’t hold up from her part with a knee going straight into his chest, pinning him onto the ground.
“Don’t move.”
“You actually think this’ll hold me?!” Theo shouted as he began to grasp onto the ground beside him. The ground began to crumble away like shortbread as Theo sunk his fingertips into the concrete.
“What the hell is he…” Anastasia thought before stepping back from the situation that was very threatening to say the least.
“Yuki, can you move?” Anastasia asked, now knowing it’s going to take more than just her to
last a couple rounds with this guy.
“Yeah…” Yuki is a bit surprised Anastasia was able to gain an advantage, even though it only lasted a few seconds. Theo slowly rose from the ground, smirking and barely holding back laughter as his lust for blood was palpable, the sinister smirk alone was enough to scare large animals away. Just what was he? It was as if they felt a big gust of the screams from the underworld blast through their pores every second they gazed upon the sadistic beast.
“You… you’re the gold that my brother needs…” Theo said while holding back his joy from becoming a double edged sword.
“What… what is he?” Anastasia and Yuki thought as the foul presence of Theo was so overwhelming that they even questioned their own capabilities in the few seconds of him standing there.
   Anastasia couldn’t help but think of the past during the overwhelming ocean of bloodlust being poured onto her and Yuki. A dark room, a slim man sitting in front of a fireplace that was presumably her father spoke to her.
“You’ll know when you see someone like this one day, Ana.”
Anastasia was much younger than her present self, standing innocent and childlike and idolizing the still man in front of the fireplace who gave off the impression of experience with just a glance.
“Papa… but how?”
“When one is consumed by their own bloodlust, one would be consumed by fear at the sight of this. Whatever you do, don’t let the fear consume you or you will freeze.” her father wisely said as his breath was visible even though he sat directly in front of the fireplace.
“Huh?” Innocent Anastasia couldn’t understand what her father was talking about let alone even define the concept of bloodlust. This brought a smirk to her father’s experienced face, to which he gave her more attention by turning towards her while still being seated in the chair.
“Don’t worry, one day you will see.” her father finished, and turned back around to continue bathing in heat. Anastasia’s past was more than this, but this alone was brought to the surface as she finally experienced just what her father talked about. For what it was worth, his information was useful as Anastasia snapped out of it from the sheer screams of a wailing banshee.
“I’ll kill the both of you!!” Theo is consumed with rage right now, as he heads straight for the two of them who are stuck within the fearsome aura, it feels as if they are neck deep in swampy waters, unable to avoid the speeding bullet, the one way train to hell.
“I can’t let it consume me!” Anastasia thought as she slowly overcame her fear, although it felt like it took forever, it was a mere half a second. She was able to move just in time, and just enough to shove Theo to the side, avoiding his murderous intent. Unfortunately, she shoved him straight onto Yuki.
“What the hell!” Yuki thought in frustration as the bloodthirsty demon’s breath oozed onto Yuki’s cheek. Yuki’s shoulder hit the right wall, causing slight pain as his broken arm pressed against the brick, especially with Theo having lost complete control and basically squirming about on his other shoulder. Theo grudgingly swings his palm straight for Yuki’s cheek, attempting to crush his head against the brick wall. Luckily, Yuki was able to slide forward a bit, just barely stepping out of the way of the devastating hand of the underworld. Theo’s hand crushed the brick wall, as if it were a sheet of styrofoam, to which he swipes through it, hitting Yuki further into the alley. It looked as if Yuki was thrown by a twister as he begins to roll deeper into the alley. Theo then swings through, using the same arm he crushed the brick wall with, heading straight for Anastasia who was behind him. She was able to duck down under his vicious swipe.
“I can’t let him land an attack on me...” Anastasia thought as Theo was already swinging his palm downward towards her as she just dodged his initial strike. She stood up and sidestepped the downward swipe.
“He’s fast.” Anastasia thought as she attempted to land a kick on the deranged beast that stood in front of her. Theo blocks it as if he was fighting an infant, it looked far too easy for him to do so as he smirked at Anastasia, possibly smirking at the very fact that she even attempted to do such a pitiful counter. Theo swiftly reacted by grasping Anastasia by the throat, such a swift motion that Anastasia didn’t even see it coming even though he stood right in front of her.
“I finally caught the little birdy…”
“Dammit…” Anastasia thought as oxygen was a luxury at this point, each breath being more precious than the last.
Theo slammed Anastasia against the wall behind her, still having a firm grip of her throat, which was strong enough to knock her unconscious. Theo didn’t recognize this, nor has he even been pushed this far, he never knew the lustful essence of his strength that lay beyond the picket fence. He continued to press further, and further, even though she was unconscious, he pressed her almost halfway into the brick wall. This feeling, the feeling was much, much more blissful than the first bite of an egg salad sandwich while watching the birds sing along to classical music. The very thought of this very situation brought a feeling of euphoria, more than enough to stiffen Theo enough in pure excitement. The feeling was nothing like he’s ever felt before, even though he was doing this for his brother, the benefits were truly something to die for, were they not? It was far better than anything he’s ever experienced before his first kill, even though that one still remains special to his heart. Each one brings him to a new height, a different height as well, as each had their own erotic and undescribable feel that brought individuality to each carcass. This feeling was truly something else, but it was cut short, far too short than what he was used to by now. Theo found himself back to reality, and away from Anastasia, who was still pinned in the brick wall in the alley.
He found himself on the outside of the alley, standing on the main street, staring at a gasping Yuki who had just launched his head straight into Theo’s ribcage, but only causing him to step away just a few feet.
“Dammit… what am I doing… I should’ve just played dead... but I had to throw my
safety away to help her… I… Couldn’t stand by and watch him take another innocent life...” Yuki thought. His appearance was far different than what he looked like before this altercation, both of his arms dangled from his shoulders, his face was similar to an old road, bumpy and rough. He could barely see through his eyes as they were swollen, his cheeks were stained with blood, he didn’t really know where from though as his entire body and face were numb, and this is with the adrenaline and dopamine still in full effect.
Theo, who now is fully aware that he is out in the open now, takes a halfhearted step forward towards Yuki, questioning whether he should still continue and kill the only bird left, was it too much of a risk being that anyone could have seen him by now? He was very hesitant with taking a second step towards Yuki who was a few more breathes away from passing out. No, he had to end this now, he already finished off the candidate, but now, he has to tie loose ends, it’s only the logical thing to do. Risks shouldn’t be a problem now, the only thing that is a problem stood a few feet in front of him. Theo’s third step was halted by the sounds of sirens in the distance, he grew more conscious in his next decision, what should he do, what was the best choice of action here?
“Dammit… They’ll probably be here in two minutes, but he’s standing right there… I…” Theo thought as his eyes began shaking in relentless fashion, he couldn’t control his infinite amount of thoughts that led to no conclusions. The sirens grew louder by the second.
“They’ll be here any second now…” Yuki gasped towards Theo, which brought a confident smirk to his face.
“The gods granted you your life for now, but let’s see if it’ll do the same for my next victim…” Theo said with arrogance.
“What?!” Yuki surprisingly shouted, then thought, “Dammit... the police will probably be here in another minute or so... He can easily escape if he wanted to... I just have to hold him here for a bit longer...”
“If you do that, who knows when you’ll get a second chance on me… leaving me alive may be regretful…”
“He’s actually trying to make me stay here... I underestimated him, I’ll make sure I don’t make that mistake the next time I see him...” Theo thought as he gazed at Yuki, then said, “I’ll save that for the next time.” once he finished his words, he took off, leaving Yuki’s poor field of vision.
“Dammit… I couldn’t keep him here… It wasn’t enough…” Yuki sadly said while gasping for air. Those were his last words before he fell unconscious to the ground, it was surprising that he was able to stand up at all after being dealt that much damage, let alone attempt to get under Theo’s skin, risking his own life to make sure Theo stays at the scene for a few more seconds. Nonetheless, his bravery was something to be looked up to, a hero? Maybe not, but he was still able to stand his ground against a demigod of Hades, that in itself should be something to be proud of, shouldn’t it?

Good luck with your attempt at a literary action sequence!!

Offline Coryn

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Re: Writing a Fight Scene!!!
« Reply #1 on: March 15, 2020, 10:33:37 PM »
Whoosh, well that was quite the long one there. Let me do a little critique then. I'll have to root around as well and post a recent excerpt from CS as well at some point. A bit hard for the phone though, lol. Anyway...

- You switch between present and past tense from time to time. You really need to make sure to stick to just the one. That goes for all writing, but especially for fight scenes when the flow of action is hyper critical. You yank the reader out of the scenario every time you ask their brain to readjust to a different tense. A fight scene should have a hypnotic flow. Everything should follow naturally.

- You have to work on word choice extra hard for fight scenes as well. This became apparent when the one guy (sorry, I lost track of the names at some point. It's late), was so surprised at someone actually dodging one of his attacks. You used the word "dodge" so many times that it lost its meaning. Now obviously there are a lot of word choices that disappear to a reader. The filler words and what not, but the verbs are important. You've got to find a lot of ways to say "they attacked". Enough that you can rotate through without things getting repetitive, or getting confusing. Pop yourself open a tab to good ol' thesaurus.com, and get to searching synonyms for every action you're going to need to describe a lot.

Well, I could do with a more thorough read, but for now I'm going to leave it at this: Fight scenes amplify everything regular prose has to contend with. A lot is happening in a little time. So you have to be hypervigilant. There's a reason they've been the hardest things I've been writing for all these years, lol.

Will review stories upon request. My latest arc: http://goo.gl/KYgsfF

Offline Vikings1428

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Re: Writing a Fight Scene!!!
« Reply #2 on: March 22, 2020, 02:29:35 AM »
Whoosh, well that was quite the long one there. Let me do a little critique then. I'll have to root around as well and post a recent excerpt from CS as well at some point. A bit hard for the phone though, lol. Anyway...

- You switch between present and past tense from time to time. You really need to make sure to stick to just the one. That goes for all writing, but especially for fight scenes when the flow of action is hyper critical. You yank the reader out of the scenario every time you ask their brain to readjust to a different tense. A fight scene should have a hypnotic flow. Everything should follow naturally.

- You have to work on word choice extra hard for fight scenes as well. This became apparent when the one guy (sorry, I lost track of the names at some point. It's late), was so surprised at someone actually dodging one of his attacks. You used the word "dodge" so many times that it lost its meaning. Now obviously there are a lot of word choices that disappear to a reader. The filler words and what not, but the verbs are important. You've got to find a lot of ways to say "they attacked". Enough that you can rotate through without things getting repetitive, or getting confusing. Pop yourself open a tab to good ol' thesaurus.com, and get to searching synonyms for every action you're going to need to describe a lot.

Well, I could do with a more thorough read, but for now I'm going to leave it at this: Fight scenes amplify everything regular prose has to contend with. A lot is happening in a little time. So you have to be hypervigilant. There's a reason they've been the hardest things I've been writing for all these years, lol.

thanks a bunch for this, I can really use this feedback to edit my writing lol. editing is really difficult, especially overcoming your own bias which is much more difficult than it seems.
Fr though thanks for this feedback  :clapping: